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Tonight is yet another full moon. A blue moon, he heard them call it.
Its silvery light radiates in the dark and over the endless stretch of the sea, the reflection dispersing across the ripples of water underneath. From where Jiwon is sitting by the rocky shores, the view is undeniably stunning, especially with the band of stars joining in.
However, it’s still like any other night, it’s just that it’s been graced by the moon’s completely illuminated face. Beautiful, definitely so ─ but also nothing out of the ordinary.
What’s far more mesmerizing for him is the seemingly round silhouette slowly emerging to the surface as his eyes adjust to the shadows of the night.
A head.
Bobbing gently with the waves, drifting steadily towards the shoreline.
Closer and closer it comes.
The two pinpricks of light coming off of it, mistakable for mirrored stars, grow bigger and eerily brighter, luminous like the moon above, yet the figure itself remains as murky as the deep sea waters.
The hairs at the back of his neck all stand on their end as the pair of unblinking, pupil-less eyes draws nearer. Soon, it rises over the waters, revealing its form in all its glory, and the fear creeping up Jiwon’s spine rises to his throat, rendering him mute even when the rest of his body wants him to scream.
Because there are no dazzling, emerald scales or silky, flowing hair like in the myths and the folklores. Only the vague shape of a body oozing with grease-like substance, black as the endless void, dripping all over its frame but never running out. Fins, or the skeletons of them, protrude at each side of its head, and what seems like a huge nose juts out below the demonic looking eyes.
A heavy limb that resembles some sort of flipper sticks out of the ominous mass, helping the rest of its body climb over the rocks. At one point, a flash of ashen white bones shows grotesquely under the flowing blackness, making Jiwon shudder even more. The back of his mind begs him to stand up and run away, quickly and as far as possible, but instead he remains planted on the boulder he’s perched on, allowing the creature to plop right beside him.
The head splits wide open, revealing jagged teeth, thin and sharp like needles, nestled in the pit of its enormous mouth. In contrast to its appearance, a light, enchanting voice comes out.
“I can’t believe I still frighten you.”
“In case you aren’t aware yet, you’re actually quite terrifying, Hanbin.”
There’s a loud hissing sound as fins flare out in retaliation.
Before Jiwon could belt out a nervous laugh, the formless mass of blob beside him quivers and tightens up, gradually shifting to a more familiar form ─ a torso of a man and a tail, covered in creamy white scales that gleam like gems of opal, iridescent under the moonlight.
“Your nose is still a little big to me,” Jiwon teases lightly as if he never was unnerved by Hanbin’s true appearance earlier.
“Tsk! I transformed so that you’d stop shaking like a leaf, you know?” Hanbin exclaims, flicking the end of his tail in annoyance, his now normal-looking eyes squinting in the process.
“Well, you look adorable to me either way!”
Hanbin doesn’t feel convinced but regardless, Jiwon seems to be at ease now, and that makes it easier to talk to him freely.
“It’s so strange how you humans only came up with this image of merpeople. It’s highly impractical,” the merman says as he rearranges himself on the rock with a grimace, “like it would probably take me ages to climb over here in this form.”
“That’s true,” Jiwon responds as he leans back on his arms. “Honestly, all sea creatures kind of look daunting to me so I wonder why they never took into account that a merman could look like a blobfish! Like you and that cute nose of yours!”
“Oh, shut your mouth! I know you fancy my face like this.”
“I do?”
“Don’t deny it, I can see it in your eyes!” Hanbin huffs out, his soft looking lips puckering to a pout.
Jiwon snorts but concurs, “I mean this state of yours is easy on the eyes.”
“Just tell me I’m beautiful and we’ll be done with it.”
Hanbin’s unexpected sass had Jiwon cackling. As he does so, he tried giving him a friendly pat on the back to tease him, but he missed, so he ended up hitting the merman’s scales on his front by accident. The tail launches upward almost immediately and Jiwon notices that Hanbin’s eyes have shut tightly in discomfort.
“Oh my god! Are those your balls or something? Did I destroy your fish-baby-making parts?”
“What? No! I don’t have ─ I ─ we don’t reproduce like that, okay?!” Hanbin’s arms flail wildly together with his tail as he tries to face Jiwon completely to make sure the man actually listens when he starts his spiel on merman anatomy. But as he does so, the man clumsily tries to deflect, hiding a part of himself in the shadows.
The carefree atmosphere dissipates all too quickly.
Something is wrong.
The merman is certain.
“What is it?” he asks cautiously. Jiwon turns his chin further away, looking over the coastline.
Hanbin finds humans so peculiar. They fear vulnerability so greatly that they’d rather not speak their hearts when it’s evident in their eyes that their souls are in torment. It’s the one way he could tell how Jiwon truly feels.
“I... couldn’t fall asleep.”
Hanbin didn’t really expect to get a clear answer from him. Once, he asked Jiwon why parts of his face were sometimes black and blue. The man just laughed at him for not knowing a thing, and the topic was never brought up again.
To be fair, there’s a hard truth in that. Hanbin barely knows anything about the human world, let alone about the life the man before him lives. Jiwon must think he’s too different to understand, so how can Hanbin ever blame the man?
Silence falls upon them momentarily. Jiwon lets it pass comfortably, content with having someone by his side, while it hangs heavily for Hanbin, deep in thought about the man who has both the brightest and the saddest of smiles.
“They said mermaids sing with captivating voices. Is it the same for you, my little blobfish?” Jiwon asks this time, tilting his head a little. Hanbin chooses to ignore the pet name, and figures the man is requesting for a lullaby. He can do that.
So he draws a quick, steady breath and opens his mouth. He starts out with the softest hum, barely overpowering the sound of the splashing waves, and slowly, each note builds up to what should be a beautiful crescendo of melodies but instead, they avalanche to a whiny screech.
The instant Jiwon erupts into unrestrained laughter, Hanbin gnaws at his lips with his reddened cheeks, the fins around his head bristling with embarrassment.
“W-what in the world was that?!” Jiwon chokes out in between his fits of giggles.
“I─ uh...” Hanbin stutters, “I-it’s because we’re on land ─”
“Yeah, sure.”
“─ my voice might not have worked well here ─”
“Right─”
“─ ugh, you know what? Come here!”
Not a word of protest was able to leave Jiwon’s tongue as he hardly had enough time to process what’s happening. Even the strong pull of Hanbin’s faintly webbed hands barely registered. Before he knows it, he’s been submerged deep underwater, cold and dark.
Forgetting he should hold his breath, he inhales and sucks in the salty seawater. His lungs burn painfully, and he starts to panic. His limbs flounder aimlessly while his eyes frantically search for the familiar white scales in the blur of shadows in the water.
There’s a swish of tail below him, and soon, a pair of arms come up to wrap around him. Soft, pillowy lips press gently against his, breathing warmth and much needed ‘air’ into him. When they part, Jiwon no longer feels the assault of water in his lungs, and the sting of salt in his eyes. It’s still somewhat dark, but he’s able to make out Hanbin peering at him with genuine concern.
Deciding that he’s ready, the merman kicks his tail again, and they propel together in the middle of the sea with Jiwon’s arms hanging around his neck. The moonlight streams through the moving waters and little by little, at the center of Hanbin’s chest, a bright spot appears, glowing with a tinge of bluish white like Rigel in Orion. A delicate tune arises from his mouth, a few tiny bubbles escaping past his lips.
There, in the vast expanse of the ocean and the dead of the night, is a man dancing with one of the most mystical creatures of the sea, swirling gracefully in the waters while honeyed melodies accompany them. And all Jiwon can do is gaze with child-like wonder as they float around suspended in the bluest of blues.
The enchanting notes continue to flow sweetly like the tide, engulfing Jiwon in a dreamlike daze as they sink deeper and deeper. The light overhead fades, only for them to be bathed in cold darkness, but thankfully, the bright light in Hanbin’s chest continues to glow. More spots of light also surface throughout his whole body, head to tail, though they are all pinpricks in comparison to the first one.
Jiwon, however, grows afraid.
Unfamiliar creatures swim around them in the shadows, but he could glimpse their needle-like teeth and barren-looking eyes. Terrified of the dark and the unknown, he flinches with anxiety, imagining they would gape their maws wide to swallow him whole, leaving him to drown in the dark trenches of the sea.
The merman must have recognized his growing panic for he tightens his hold around Jiwon, tucking him under his chin. The saccharine song changes to that of comfort and solace while Hanbin’s lower-half melts to its original inky form, wrapping around Jiwon in a protective embrace, pacifying his fears.
Eventually, they halt; they have landed on the seabed.
Jiwon lifts his eyes bravely. There are no more scary deep sea dwellers in sight, just Hanbin with the constellation of lights in his own body casting an incredible light on the number of scattered pearls that surround them in the dark floors of the ocean. Together, clasped in each other’s arms, they lie amongst ocean stars and calming melodies.
For the first time in a long, long while, Jiwon feels safe, and he lets Hanbin’s heavenly voice lull him to a deep, forgiving sleep.
*
The moon has not yet risen. Only the high noon sun blares in the sky, but he’s already along the shores.
That’s odd.
Jiwon usually drops by at nightfall, but Hanbin drifts towards him regardless. He hauls himself up like a black shadow scaling the mossy boulder where the man is perched before he transfigures to his version of man and tail.
“Goodness, you do resemble a blobfish in broad daylight, Hanbin!” Jiwon greets him with a sneer, and Hanbin would have flipped his tail to splash some saltwater on the man in frustration, if not to see that his expression is truly pained.
Without a word, Hanbin grabs him by the shoulders and pins him to the ground with his body, pressing their chests together. A cold hand carefully grasps the side of his face while obsidian eyes survey him thoughtfully.
With knitted brows, Hanbin’s thumb grazes lightly below Jiwon’s red rimmed eyes.
“You were crying.”
The words spoken delicately catches Jiwon off guard for a minute. He closes his eyes with a wry smile before placing his hand over the webbed ones holding his face.
“I am.”
A drop of tear slips past his lids, gliding down his cheek. With pure curiosity, Hanbin halts it with a touch of his finger, fascinated at how it faded to a mere wetness on his scaly skin.
Humans cry differently, far from the way he does, but the grief and sadness are conveyed nonetheless.
“Someone important to me is gone...”
“Gone?”
Jiwon just gives him a weak nod. Hanbin, unsure of what to do or say, rests his forehead against the other, allowing the tranquil sounds of the tide to pass between them solemnly. When more stray tears begin to run down his face, the merman lowers himself down to his chest, giving Jiwon a sense of solitude while he laments.
While he listens to the muffled whimpers and suppressed sobs, Hanbin wonders if humans feel the same stabbing pain in their misery. Twisting his head to one side, he rests a pointy ear against Jiwon’s chest, only to hear desperate beats of a desolate heart, too worn out to carry on, the same as his own.
“I just... h-he’s dead. H-How could he just leave me all alone like this?”
“...”
The body underneath him trembles and heaves, and the merman doesn’t know the right word to describe this kind of sorrow, doesn’t know what he should say, which one is right, to hold gently or to hold tightly, what exactly can he do to stop the man in his arms from falling further apart?
For Hanbin, death is nothing but a concept to comprehend. He has yet to understand loss but he’s well-acquainted with the feeling of loneliness. All he can do is envelop him in a warm embrace, praying the waves could come then take away the ache as it returns to sea.
If only it was all so easy.
Jiwon cries. Loudly. Quietly. In shaky breaths and stifled sniffles.
The whole afternoon, he weeps and weeps until there are no more tears left for him to cry. Then he laughs. He laughs because in his wretchedness, it dawns on him that he isn’t all alone. In his mourning, in his despair, in the times he runs away to escape, Hanbin is there, Hanbin is with him.
And maybe that’s enough for now.
For one more day.
One more day in this world...
*
It’s afternoon when he visits him next.
For reasons unknown, Hanbin looks irked, making a lot of loud, squeaky fuss as he pulls himself up over the waters in his true form.
“Uh… Hanbin?” Jiwon checks on him.
“Why do you have to come in the day?” Hanbin grits out exasperatedly, baring his sharp, thorn-like rows of teeth that, even in the light of day, makes Jiwon’s blood run cold.
“Um… is now not a good time?”
“Look at this!” Hanbin shoves a droopy-looking flipper with oozing tar in front of him. He inspects it with his eye, raising a brow, and nothing actually comes to mind. There’s only the inky, slimy, who-knows-what substance that’s holding the shape of what’s being presented to him.
“That looks sinister, yes ─ um wait, are you flashing at me or something? That’s rude, Hanbin!”
“What? No!” Hanbin whines, frustrated that Jiwon doesn’t get it and has the audacity to joke around.
His whole body twitches and spasms, and reluctantly, he has changed to his more recognizable form, except, he’s all flared up skin and scales, with several areas looking alarmingly raw.
“Oh...”
The merman glares intensely at him as Jiwon finally grasps the situation.
“A sunburn!” Jiwon says, struggling to bite back his laughter. His eyes crinkle in amusement as his gaze falls on Hanbin who’s fuming and quite literally red in anger.
“Don’t act so surprised! It’s because I was out in the sun all day with you!” Hanbin grumbles, huffing his cheeks. The opalescent tail that’s partly dipped in the water swings aggressively, hurling angry droplets of water towards Jiwon.
“Fine, fine! Just give me a minute,”
The merman watches with a scowl as Jiwon deposits whatever it is in his hands to the ground, and steps closer to the edge. He unbuttons his shirt, crumples it to a ball and dumps it in the water, effectively soaking the garment.
When he returns, he kneels down, draping the wet shirt over Hanbin’s head, the cloth serving as a shade and a cool blanket over him. “That’s all I can do for now. I’ll drop by in the evening next time.”
“You better,” Hanbin threatens, but his annoyance has been subdued. He draws the ends of the shirt closer around his body as Jiwon sits beside him. Upon realizing that the man is only in his trousers, he shyly offers one end of the cloth.
Jiwon doesn’t really mind bathing in the sun but he finds Hanbin’s gesture endearing, so he accepts it and lets a part of the damp shirt cover him. It’s a good thing it’s oversized, fitting the two of them under just fine.
“That’s so unexpected of you, little blobfish,” he comments playfully. There’s a dusting of pink on Hanbin’s cheeks and the tip of his nose. Jiwon is not sure whether they’re from the sun or not.
“Well, I’m not the monster you keep framing me to be!” the merman answers back with a pout.
“I never said you’re a monster!”
“You sure did!”
“No, I only called you a blobfish. Hold on, do you consider blobfish as monsters? Oh my god, Hanbin!” Jiwon cries out, faking a gasp as Hanbin’s eyes widen like saucers at the sudden accusation.
“What ─ no ─”
“They’re just peaceful creatures of the sea like you ─”
“Yes, I know they are, but you ─”
“─ and you think they’re monsters, that’s so mean ─”
“NO!” Hanbin insists, his palm clamping over Jiwon’s mouth to muffle the rest of his words, “I never thought they’re monsters, okay?”
Jiwon gives a quick nod in agreement, and after a whole second, the merman releases him from his hold.
“I’ve encountered monsters here on land, Hanbin, but you don’t even come close.”
Hanbin notices the light in Jiwon’s eyes somewhat dimmed when he spoke. Aside from the passing of the person dear to him, this is the only other time the man mentioned anything about his life.
It takes him a moment to think of something to say, but Jiwon got to it first.
With a wide grin on his face, a probable hint of mischief, he adds, “You could be ugly, but you’ll never be a monster to me.”
The fins on the sides of Hanbin’s head flutter as he flares his nose and holds his breath, doing his best not to lose it or slap Jiwon’s face with his tail. Will he ever talk to him seriously?
His eyes roam around, looking for a distraction, when it lands on the stuff Jiwon brought with him. They look very intriguing.
“What are those, by the way?”
“Oh. These are for you,” Jiwon reaches for the small bunch beside him and gives them to Hanbin, attentively guiding the merman’s hands to hold them upright by the stem. “They’re called dahlias. I noticed you kept on staring at the cliff and realized you were looking at them.”
The said cliff stands in the distance, sticking out towards the ocean, and along its grassy slopes are the flowers the color of sunset, swaying with the breeze of the sea.
“Wow. So that’s what they are,” Hanbin’s eyes light up in awe. He runs his fingers eagerly along the head of the flowers, feeling their soft, velvety texture. On impulse, he brings them to his face and, to Jiwon’s surprise and amusement, Hanbin nibbles on a petal with a curious, contemplative look. His expression immediately turns sour upon tasting the flower, and Jiwon has to hold himself back from giggling at the sight.
“Uh… they are quite bitter... but they’re beautiful. It’s the first time I receive these um... dahlias, so thank you,” he mumbles timidly, a stronger hue of pink blooming across his cheeks and nose. Jiwon must not have noticed them during their late night meetings but apparently, Hanbin blushes so adorably.
“It’s my pleasure.”
Jiwon proceeds with observing the merman under the light shade of his shirt, and Hanbin simply eyes the flowers, fumbling with their stems. While they settle in silence, there’s only the serene sound of the waves hitting against the sand and the rocks of the shores.
“I actually have something for you, too…” Hanbin finally speaks up after a moment. “Here,” he extends his free hand over to Jiwon’s fisted one, turning it over and guiding the fingers to open up, “I made it myself!”
A tiny opaline bead drops to the center of his palm, milky and smooth. It shimmers slightly with some of the rays of the sun passing under the cloth.
Jiwon gives a huge smile, the one where his eyes almost disappear, touched at the thoughtfulness of his blobfish.
“Hanbin, is this your egg? We should celebrate ─”
“You should know it’s a pearl!” The temptation to push Jiwon off to sea is close but Hanbin exhales his temper away. “Don’t lose it. Those are rare,” or at least, that’s what he assumes. He doesn't know if that actually applies to the human world.
“Aw, then that means I’m special, right?” Jiwon remarks gleefully.
“Um, I ─ yeah,” he falters a little. Jiwon isn’t wrong, but there’s more to it than just him being special. “...when you went with me in the ocean, it looked like you really liked it.”
“I did find the pearls lovely. Thank you, H ─”
“I meant you being there. You seemed genuinely at peace,” the merman clarifies to the best of his abilities, “and the other day, when you told me that someone important to you left, you were so sad, and I just...” Hanbin wanted to give him relief and comfort, the same way the depths of the ocean did for them both. But he couldn’t exactly carry the sea, even in his true form.
Jiwon is silent again, expression unreadable as he looks at the tiny round gem in his hand. Hanbin doesn’t know if there’s anything more to say.
“... if it makes you feel any better, I can’t really die so...”
The words never make it out of his lips, and they didn’t have to. The message is crystal clear to Jiwon.
I’ll always be here.
Jiwon’s fingers enclose over the pearl tightly. The edge of his eyes water with a faint sheen but he holds his tears at bay. “Thank you, Hanbin, really. I promise you, I’ll always come back to you, for as long as I live.”
After a moment, he lifts his head up to face Hanbin who’s already watching him closely with his sparkling black eyes that has always reminded him of the beautiful evening sky, his only solace ever since.
Jiwon leans into him, and in a split second, his lips press tenderly against Hanbin’s. They’re as warm as they were in the waters. When they part, he touches their foreheads together, not ready to separate completely from the other.
“Jiwon,” Hanbin calls out delicately, his soft breath brushing against Jiwon’s lips. Their gazes meet, both of their eyes reflecting nothing but utmost endearment.
“You’re aware that I can breathe on land, right?”
Overwhelming fondness bursts in Jiwon’s chest, and he sputters into uncontrollable laughter as the merman looks at him unfazed. He caresses the side of Hanbin’s jaw, stroking his cheek daintily with his thumb.
“My silly blobfish, what do I do with you?”
“Did I say something wrong?”
“No, no, no...” Jiwon shakes his head, beaming as he pulls Hanbin even nearer towards him. “On the contrary,” he murmurs, “everything you said had consoled me, and I can’t thank you enough for that. Anyway, the kiss... it’s to say that I will keep my promise to you.”
“Oh!” Hanbin’s expression brightens up upon understanding, then his brows furrowed together worriedly. “But I didn’t say mine...”
“You didn’t have to, I heard you loud and clear,” Jiwon assures him with eyes so openly sincere that Hanbin is able to trust his words fully. He reaches for the hand cupping his face, lacing their fingers together, and following what he just learned, he gives Jiwon his own sweet kiss, one that promises to love and to protect.
“I will never leave you.” the man whispers into his mouth.
“And so will I,” the merman whispers back into his.
Thus, at the onset of twilight, while the sun hides behind the horizon, and the crescent of the moon rises overhead, with Jiwon’s shirt hanging over them like a veil, and a bouquet of dahlias and a treasured jewel clutched in their hands, they pledge their vows to one another in hushed voices and interwoven fingers, sealed by a kiss for all eternity.
*
Jiwon is nowhere to be found.
The moon continues to wax and wane, and the sun continues to rise and set.
The lovely dahlias atop the cliff eventually withered with the coming of winter. The azure skies have turned bleak and gray, and so did the sea below.
And Hanbin?
He waits.
And waits.
And waits...
Making do with his promise.
I’ll always be here.
But truthfully, a heart can only yearn for so much and so long until it turns brittle with sorrow and cracks like glass, the edges of the shattered pieces seething and ruthless.
Soon, his cherished memories of all their sweet nothings only remind him of empty words and unfulfilled promises. Something inside him breaks and dies and rots, leaving him with nothing but bitter disappointment and acrid hatred.
The icy winds pierce wildly one day, bringing a tempest so violent and unrelenting, ravaging everything in its way. The waves lash out uncontrollably and the evening sky splits with the flashes of lightning.
In the chaos, Hanbin heaves himself onto familiar rocks ─ the place where they met in the dead of the night, where they spent time in each other’s comforting company from dusk till dawn, where they kissed in front of the setting sun and the rising moon, where they parted last, only to never see each other again.
A shrill cry rips out of his mouth, his agonized howling lost to the deafening rumbling of thunder.
Jiwon
you
liar
*
Another full moon rises tonight. He had already lost how many of them had passed.
Jiwon runs about, barefoot and in tattered clothes. The chill in the air is unforgiving, but this is the only chance he’s got to get away from the monsters of his world, to go back to his place of solace, to come back to Hanbin like he promised.
So he runs, even when he’s wounded, all broken skin and bones, because he only needs one day.
Just one day, or one night ─
Excruciating pain punctures his side, and slowly, a red patch of warmth blooms in his soiled clothes.
Or even an hour ─
He wobbles even more with each passing step, every inhale seems like a stab of knife against his lungs.
He wills his mind and body to keep going. He’s already overcome so much, he can’t stop now.
Just have to reach the shore ─
He collapses on the cold, harsh ground, his destination still a hundred feet away.
Rain begins to fall, and every drop stings his skin like ice.
I just need to tell him that I’m sorry and I ─
The skies above him unleashes its wrath. The torrents of rain continue, as lightning strikes and thunder rolls in between, the dawn of a punishing catastrophe.
As he lies on the ground, his ears pick up the onslaught of the waves from a distance.
He needs to make it.
Gritting his teeth as his whole body screams at him in affliction, he scrambles to stand back up. His only option now is the cliff. He makes his way to climb the slope amid the turmoil of both his body and the earth.
He fell and stumbled so many times along the way, but he rose back up in unsteady feet, and when he couldn't get up, he crawled, until he got enough strength to stand on his legs again.
Throughout his whole ordeal, he breathes his unforgotten vows like a prayer, and like always, they’re the sole reason he’s able to carry on.
I promise you
I’ll always come back to you
For as long as I live
I will never leave you
When he reaches the peak, bruised and bleeding, barely able to support himself or breathe properly, all his eyes could see is the bleak hopelessness brought by the raging storm as the ocean wreaks havoc below.
There’s nowhere else for him to go.
He lifts his gazes up to the heavens, letting the drops of angry rain mix with his bitter tears, and in one final desperate cry for his lover, he succumbs to the call of the sea.
*
When he opens his eyes, there is no more pain, no more suffering.
The gentle current of the waters sways him softly at the bottom of the ocean where he lies among a myriad of pearls. What once seemed like dispersed stars across the evening sky has now grown into an ethereal cosmic cluster.
Braced in the arms of the creature who lights up his own constellations, Jiwon lets himself be soothed by the most beautiful and comforting melody coming out of the merman’s lips.
Each note in his lullaby permeates with the devotion of his promise.
I’ll always be here for you
To love and to protect
Jiwon caresses his face as he sings, for he sees Hanbin’s eyes glisten with tears that gleam in shifting pastel hues. A drop slides off, and as soon as it parts from his face, it transforms into a precious, tiny pearl.
With a tender touch, he brushes the rest of them away, and pulls Hanbin in closer, so he can whisper in harmony his own song of covenant, never to be broken, because here, in the darkest depths of the sea, nothing will ever separate them.
From now
Until eternity ,
I will always love you
*
Tonight, we have a blue moon rising overhead
and right below it,
in the depths of the ocean
where its light could never reach,
a man rests his bones in the arms of his lover.
Forever.