Chapter Text
Eren lifted the cover of his laptop and cracked his knuckles, staring at the newly illuminated screen. Ah. The Internet. A tool that placed the wealth of the entire world’s knowledge right at his fingertips, encompassing millions upon billions of possibilities, a source rich and brimming with untapped power just waiting to be properly utilised.
Eren snickered.
He was probably going to watch porn again.
-
Miles away in the artfully monochromatic lounge of a twenty-four year old man sat a…well, the twenty-four year old man himself. He was often alone in the lounge, surrounded by piles of paper, but this time proved to be an exception. The table was clear of files and documents, glass surface devoid of anything but a white box.
“Can I open the fucking thing now?”
The woman sitting beside him with a head of rusty-auburn hair pouted. “But, Levi, can’t we just…You know, bask in how brand new it is? It’s a newly personalised macbook! Your best friend bought it for you! Can’t you just appreciate-“
“You’re not my best friend, Hanji,” the man named Levi scoffed, and pressed two fingers to the bridge of his slender nose. “And I do appreciate the gesture, but as I said, I would appreciate it a hell of a lot more if you’d let me open the thing.”
Narrowing her eyes childishly, Hanji drew back with a disgruntled murmur and let Levi slide the sleek metal device out of its package. “Not bad,” Levi muttered, “Looks like kids these days are actually designing something useful.”
“You’re twenty-four! Stop making yourself sound old!”
“Yeah, but with people like you monkeying around all the time it’s a wonder I don’t feel older.” If Hanji were a different person, she’d have been severely wounded, but she deflected the insult like a pro. She’d been friends with Levi for so long that she was already used to the twitch in his lip when he sneered, or the wrinkles between his eyebrows when he frowned- which was practically all the time. She’d been friends with Levi so long that she’d even seen his dick-
“ Hanji. May I enquire as to what the fresh ass fuck this is?”
Hanji started and leant over his shoulder to take a look. “Oh!” She cried, obviously delighted with her own genius, “I installed a chat widget for you! It links you up to this chat feature that lots of websites install. Look, if you press this button, you can find out people who are online within the area!”
“And why, exactly, do I need a chat widget?”
“Because you’re a lonely, single, unmarried twenty-four-year old man who can count his friends on his fingers and holes himself up in his house all day working!”
Levi was actually in awe. “You…did you memorise that?”
“No you’re just too pathetic- Waugh!” Hanji screamed and fell off her chair as she received a stinging kick to the shin. Levi sighed, opening his pursed lips. “I told you, Hanji, I don’t need company. I’m fine like this. I hate noise, and I hate dirt, and I hate people because all of them are stupid.”
“But…Levi…at least give it a shot? At least try chatting for a day? You have nothing to lose! Come on, please, Levi, please please please, at the very worst you end up still lonely, at the best you make friends, maybe even a boyfriend, at least you’ll be talking! Right?”
“N…” Very nearly denying it, but then Levi caught a glimpse of his friend’s soul-destroying expression of hope. Shit. Well, he could try chatting for five minutes and tell Hanji it had been a day.
“Fine.”
He booted her out of the door before she could happily weep all over his laptop.
-
“Ew, no, don’t want to see that, I might be a hormonal teenager jerking off but I still have my boundaries- that looks all right, a little boring though- what the hell is that girl doing with that potato? Oh, thank god, it’s an ad, she’s just eating it,” Eren wiped the sweat from his forehead. Lazily circling his mouse around the screen as he looked for a suitable porn clip, his attention was mildly grabbed by a little flashing window in the corner.
Find hot guys in your area!
Eren paused.
100% reliable! NO scam!
Eren’s boner died as his curiosity sprang to life.
Sign up and chat for FREE! No details or pictures needed-
That was it. Forgetting all about the porn, Eren ignored any and all cybersafety lessons he’d received in high school and slammed on the mouse.
-
“The fuck is this, the fuck is that…” Levi impatiently entered a username into the box. “Looking for: Boys/Girls…Hanji, you bastard, this is definitely a little more than a friendly little chatting widget…” He shrugged and clicked “looking for boys” because he’d always been more than just a little homo and he wasn’t going to deny it now. The green sign up button looked rather cheerful.
Go fuck yourself, Levi told the green button. No one should be this cheerful this early in the morning.
There was an electronic beep, a happy little jingle, and he was in. Lame. How was he supposed to use this, though…? Curse technology. Curse his old, withering up twenty four year old self.
-
Eren couldn’t believe it. He was actually excited.
Sure, there were lots of shit websites to look for potential boyfriends or girlfriends or friends with benefits, but he might as well give this one a try. The advertisement had looked rather classy. Plus, he was sure his mother preferred to walk in on him chatting to a random stranger than viciously stroking his-
Holy shit. There were a lot of people online.
Colossaldick read the first one, and Eren shuddered.
The next username was Armouredtits.
Eren gulped. Okay, well, maybe this wasn’t as classy as he thought it would be, but no harm done, right?
Dancingwhore.
Femalewhocanbemaleifyouwant.
Attackonmygenitals.
Eren was just about to close the tab, clear his history, shut down his computer and pretend the whole morning hadn’t happened when a username caught his eye.
Corporal looked rather tame by comparison, and if that turned out to be some kind of creepy military kink Eren could just sign out and delete his account. You won’t be sure until you try, Eren reminded himself of the age old mantra, ignoring the fact that it was probably not best applied in this sort of situation.
He clicked on it.
-
You are now chatting with Jaegerbomb.
Levi blinked. That was fast. At least this Jaegerbomb person didn’t pick a username similar to 80 percent of the whole site.
[Jaegerbomb]: @ least u dont have a weird ass name
Levi blinked again. Telepathy seemed to be present in this world. He made a mental note to tell Hanji. Wrinkling his nose at the screen, he set his hands lightly onto the keyboard.
[Corporal]: Jesus Christ, kid, at least type properly. Grammar. Spelling. You know the drill.
[Jaegerbomb]: oh so ur one of those fcking grammar nazis? also im 18, im not a kid, thx.
[Corporal]: Now, who put the stick there?
[Jaegerbomb]: what r u talking abt. who put what stick where
[Corporal]: Who put the stick up your fucking ass, that’s what I’m asking.
[Jaeger]: ur rude u know that
[Jaeger]: i can type however the fuck i want and refuse to be called a kid all i want
[Jaeger]: basic human rights u piece of trash
[Corporal]: Sometimes I wonder why I even bother.
[Corporal]: Basic human rights, kid? If I ever see you in real life I’m going to punch you in the face and call it a basic human right.
[Jaegerbomb]: not if i punch u in the face first. and good luck finding me
[Corporal]: The advertisement did say “singles around your area”. Your sorry ass shouldn’t be far away.
[Jaegerbomb]: ur an asshole but ur funny. also if u stalk me ill call the police.
[Corporal]: Whatever helps you sleep at night.
[Jaegerbomb]: if only u were a nice guy, then u could be the one helping me sleep @ night.
[Corporal]: I don’t want to admit it, but quoting your words, “ur an asshole but ur funny”.
[Jaegerbomb]: did u just compliment me
[Corporal]: No. See you around, kid.
Corporal has disconnected.
Eren stared at the flashing screen in disbelief. It felt like an hour of war and bloodshed had passed on that virtual battlefield, but in reality they’d talked for about two minutes.
Also, that guy was a major dickhead.
Shaking his own head, Eren went to deactivate his account.
Are you sure you want to leave the site?
For some reason, Eren had the feeling that his friendly conversation with the Corporal would be the first and last chat not filled with sexual innuendos and second rate pick up lines, if all the other usernames were anything to go by.
Yes, I’m sure.
Eren clicked the annoyingly vibrant green button.
-
“Fucking Hanji,” Levi growled, conjuring an image of the woman shoved headfirst into a garbage bin. Good, she was where she belonged. Surrounded by her own loving kin. Fuck her.
And then the woman in question’s Caller ID flashed on Levi’s phone screen and it was all Levi could do not to smash his iPhone with brutal force into the unmarred grey wall. Squeezing his eyes shut and holding the phone away from his face, he answered the call.
“LEVI! ARE YOU CHATTING WITH PEOPLE AND MAKING FRIENDS? ALSO. I KNOW I JUST LEFT YOUR HOUSE, BUT. ERWIN IS BACK FROM ENGLAND TODAY. SO. I THOUGHT WE COULD ALL GO OUT FOR DRINKS TONIGHT!!! WHADDAYA SAY, LEVI BOY? NIGHT OUT? PUB CRAWLING?”
“Even if I say no it won’t make a difference.” He was resigned to his fate. All he wanted to do after that stomach curdling- the boy had been slightly entertaining, but still- online experience was drown himself in his lavender-scented sheets and go the fuck back to sleep.
“YAY! I’VE BEEN DYING FOR A GOOD JÄGERBOMB.”
Levi actually did throw his iPhone this time.