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It was funny, Riley was much bigger than Maya now, but she still fit perfectly into Maya’s arms. They laid together on Riley’s bed, the curtains of the bay window swaying in the breeze. Since they were little, they’d always cuddled at sleepovers, falling asleep holding each other close. Riley hadn’t noticed that as they got older Maya’s heart raced a little when she melted into her touch. That her hands lingered in her hair, eyes lingered on her eyes a little longer than they had before.
As Riley hadn’t noticed this, she also hadn’t noticed the ache baked into her gaze since she and Lucas had started dating. It wasn’t as if Maya hadn’t known it was coming. The way he looked at her, the way she looked at him. It was just how Maya had always wished she had the guts to look at her. And so Maya had kept quiet, trapped in the gravity pull of her eyes and her smile.
Riley hummed low and snuggled into Maya’s embrace. Always the little spoon, she was. “Hey peaches?” she asked, voice not quite soft enough to be a whisper.
“Hm?” Maya hummed in response. She stroked the back of Riley’s arm with her fingernail, drawing absentminded flowers on her skin.
“Can I talk to you about something?”
“Always, Riles.” Riley sighed and Maya felt her back expand, pressing deeper against her for a second. Then she turned around and looked directly at Maya, her brown eyes almost black in the low light. Those eyes were so warm, so familiar. She was coming home every single time she met them. In a moment of unparalleled self-destructiveness, she wondered if Riley felt that looking into her eyes, or into Lucas’s.
“You’ve kissed people, right? Like, properly?” Riley asked her, and she felt all the air leave her lungs.
She had. The first was a boy from her building, during winter break of eighth grade. It was short and sloppy, and had done nothing but cement in her young mind that she definitely only liked girls, whatever that was going to mean for her. The second was at a party, Maya was drunk and the other girl was drunker, and she didn’t remember much about her except that she’d had blonde hair. Darker than Maya’s own, but lighter than Riley’s. Definitely lighter than Riley’s. The third had been a couple months ago, a really sweet girl from another school that Maya had actually thought she might like. They’d kissed for a while, but as soon as it got farther than that she’d bolted. She knew she couldn’t do that to her, not when she was still caught up on someone else. When she might always be caught up on someone else.
“Yeah,” she said, looking down for a second before she was drawn back to those eyes, back into orbit of the sun herself.
“I was thinking. Me and Lucas haven’t yet,” she said cautiously. Maya’s stomach somersaulted.
“Yeah you have. On the train. I was there, remember?”
“You know what I mean. That was a peck.”
“Okay,” Maya gave in. “What about it?” Riley breathed hard and looked away for a second.
“I was wondering…”
“Yeah?”
“Could you like… show me?” Maya’s throat closed up.
“W- what?” she managed to croak. Riley looked back at her. Maya held her gaze for a shaky moment, then turned her eyes to the ceiling. Fuck. She thought about what she would’ve said two years ago, a year ago even. She would’ve turned her down for sure. Too much respect for herself to let something like this happen, to let herself do something that would mean so much to her and so little to Riley.
As if on cue, “It wouldn’t mean anything. Obviously.” Obviously.
It had been so long. So many years. So many nights in tears thinking about what it would feel like to have Riley’s lips between her teeth, her fingers tangled in her hair. God was she pathetic. Just a little taste, maybe. Just a little bit of love from the one person she’d been in love with her whole life. Maybe she’d be okay then.
“Like… Show you show you?” Maya asked, voice shaking. She turned back to face Riley. Her cheeks were pink and she was beautiful. She nodded slowly.
Maya raised a hand to Riley’s cheek, tracing it with her thumb, and before she could think herself out of it she brought their lips together.
The fire from her stomach spiked behind her ears and in her throat as she took Riley’s bottom lip into her mouth, sucking hard. Her heart soared when Riley met her back with equal fervor. Maya pushed forward, raking her fingers into her thick, dark hair and pulling. Riley’s breath hitched and she swallowed a whimper. Her hands snaked their way around Maya’s waist, one hand’s fingers delicately sliding into the belt loops of her jeans and the other brushing under the hem of her shirt. Maya exhaled sharply, thumbing the edge of Riley’s jaw while tightening her fist in her hair once more, drawing a sweet little sound that made her need to kiss harder.
Just then, the buzz of Riley’s phone vibrated through the bed. Riley pulled away from the kiss, eyes wide and pupils blown.
“I uh…” she murmured, sitting up and reaching for her phone. She ran a hand over her lips, like she was confused as to what had even happened. She looked down at the screen. “It’s Lucas. He’s- he’s here to pick me up. We’re going out.” With a breath, she ran a hand through her own hair, trying to straighten it out as she got up off the bed. Maya sat there, heart not quite having slowed yet. Riley paused before walking out the door, turning around. “Thanks for- uh…” she said, face reddening slightly. “... Bye, Maya.” she finished. Her footsteps echoed through the empty apartment all the way to the front door, which Maya heard close.
Her chest felt heavy, but she didn’t regret a thing.