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When Neil shot out of the bed like a firecracker, Andrew was already awake. Fortunately so, seeing as otherwise they might have two people freaking out instead of just the one.
It was six AM and the fear that molded Neil’s face was sharp and twisting.
The man had pressed himself into one of the room’s corners, wide-eyed and unblinking, moving his gaze from one side of the room to the other as if making sure that he wouldn’t miss a single threat.
His eyes landed on Andrew but there’s no recognition on Neil’s face - Andrew might as well not have been there at all. “Neil”, he said, unsure whether Neil could even hear him. “Neil, you’re okay. No one is going to hurt you.”
On his side of the room, Kevin unearthed from orange-and-white sheets, grumbling incoherently. “Wha’s goin’ on?” Andrew managed to decypher.
“Shhhh, Kevin”, Andrew replied, not taking his eyes away from Neil. Neil, who was pressing himself so hard into the corner that he might merge with it. “Neil, I’m going to give you a pillow. Okay?” He made sure to move slowly as he grabbed one, still warm from where Neil had been sleeping just minutes earlier, and made sure Neil was following his movements before he slid it across the floor.
Neil stared at it for a few seconds before allowing himself to slide down along the wall, reaching out and grabbing the pillow by one of its corners. Slowly, he pulled it to his chest, wrapping his arms around it and hugging it tightly to himself.
It was something they’d figured out over time: touch was too much with nerves so frayed, but physical reassurance still helped, as did a form of barrier between him and the rest of the world.
As did words. “Your name is Neil Josten. You’re a striker for the PSU Foxes, number ten. You’re a sophomore. Neil,” because repetition of his chosen name helped, “you’re at Fox Tower. You know me. Andrew.”
“Andrew”, Neil mumbled in reply. His gaze was beginning to thaw from distant and fearful to tired and focused, which was a good sign.
“Yes, that’s me.” When Kevin moved as if to leave the bed, Andrew gestured at him to stop, making sure not to move too quickly. He didn’t need Neil focusing on the other person in the room, especially not when it was very possible that Kevin had some association with whatever trauma his mind had chosen to torment him with. “You know me. You’re safe here, you know that.”
It took a few more minutes, but Neil eventually came back to himself from wherever his nightmares had taken him. He sighed and rubbed his eyes, still gripping the pillow tight in one hand. Andrew eventually let Kevin leave the room, which he did with a last, pained look in Neil’s direction.
Silence fell upon the room, and Neil eventually stood up on shaky legs, approaching, dragging the pillow behind himself almost unconsciously. “Yes or no?” he asked.
“Yes”, Andrew said. He reached his arms out to receive Neil as the younger man dropped the pillow and climbed onto his lap, curling up with his face pressed to Andrew’s neck. Andrew tried not to shiver at the breaths that grazed his skin. “Feeling better?”
Neil flinched slightly, a sign that the memories were still all too present. Sometimes, after nightmares, he couldn’t stop, bringing his hands up over his face and letting it wash over him. He didn’t seem inclined to do so now, though: “can we have breakfast?”
Andrew kissed the top of his head, moving a hand along Neil’s spine. It protruded more than usual in this position. It reminded him of all the times that Neil couldn’t eat, and he was glad that Neil seemed to at least want to try. “Want me to bring it in here?”
Neil shook his head. “Don’t wanna be alone.”
“Of course.”
He let Neil hold on to his hand as they left the bedroom, making their way into the kitchen where Kevin was concocting one of his infamous smoothies. Neil jumped up onto the kitchen island like he often did and simply watched as Andrew prepared enough oatmeal for them to share. He managed a small smile at the heaping of raspberries Andrew added to Neil’s serving and began to eat it while Andrew drowned his own in syrup.
The morning passed by peacefully. Kevin managed to rope Neil into watching a replay of the previous night’s collegiate exy game (Texas Longhorns vs. Orlando Gators) on the TV and Andrew felt some degree of gratitude to the man when his passionate commentary and colorful insults got a few, small laughs out of Neil. Andrew sat on the recently installed couch, Neil between his legs on the floor with one cheek pressed against the inside of Andrew’s knee. If Andrew focused more on carding his hands through Neil’s hair than he did the novel he was supposedly reading then that was his business.
Around nine, a knock sounded at the door. The game had just concluded, 12-8 Gators’ favor, so Kevin didn’t seem opposed to getting up and opening it.
Nicky strode in, already looking ready for the day from the color-matched getup to the excited glint in his eyes. “Get ready because we’re going to IKEA!” He said it as if it were some sort of great adventure.
“No”, Andrew disagreed.
“I’d like to go”, Neil said softly. “ I need distractions today ”, he added in Russian.
And what was Andrew supposed to say in response to that? No? Of course, he could let Neil go without him - he’d be surrounded by friends and perfectly safe. But after this morning, the idea of being alone in the apartment while Neil was out and about, and anything could be happening to him, what if he needed someone to ground him, to calm him down -
“Fine”, Andrew relented. Within seconds. Damn, he was getting too soft. (And if it weren’t for his efforts in Bee’s office - two sessions a week, just to make sure he got at least one alone with Bee since Aaron had started joining him - that would’ve freaked him out. But it didn’t, because it was okay to care about Neil. Neil was safe, and would never purposely hurt him. It was one of few convictions he didn’t have to fight to believe anymore.)
“Well, get ready then, ‘cause we’re leaving in half an hour”, Nicky warned, grin taking up half his face as he looked from Neil to Andrew. (Luckily, he’d eventually learned to keep his mouth shut about it, which improved Andrew’s quality of life by at least five percent.)
After Nicky left, the three of them got up to get ready. Neil got first shower and Andrew waited tensely until he came out okay (but looking very, very tired), dressed in wide jeans made of soft, faded denim, and a pale red t-shirt with his armbands secured around his forearms. The t-shirt clashed with his hair but Andrew didn’t make note of it, simply moving around him to get ready himself.
When they were all done, they joined their teammates and descended down the stairs of the Tower. Boyd, fortunately, had become more attuned to his ‘best friend’ over time and picked up on his frail emotional state. He also, more fortunately, knew not to press and instead attached himself to Neil’s side, cluing him clueing him in to what this venture was all about. Neil managed a small smile of acknowledgment and seemed to be listening with at least half an ear.
The closest IKEA was an hour’s drive away, and by the time they arrived, Neil had fallen asleep in the passenger seat, head leaned uncomfortably against the window. He woke up when they parked (Andrew decided it was worth a bit of extra walking to park farther from the entrance, where the cars were more spread out and less likely to scratch the Maserati) and trudged along to join the others, eyes slightly squinted and posture drooping.
“If you were this tired, we could’ve just stayed home”, Andrew muttered to him.
Neil shook his head. “Don’t wanna be there right now.”
Andrew couldn’t see why not, but he didn’t question it. “We could’ve made the drive to Columbia.”
Neil smiled. “I’ll keep that in mind for next time.”
They arrived first in the kitchen section, Matt, Allison, and Kevin each pushing carts ahead of them. Matt followed Dan as she plucked mugs from shelves and carefully set them down in the cart, enlisting Neil to help her choose. A few shelves down, Allison considered mason jars, light glinting off the glass as she spun them around.
Renee appeared at Andrew’s side, holding a heavy-looking pot in her hands. “Do you think you’ll get anything?” she asked.
Andrew shook his head. “I don’t need anything.”
Renee nodded. “We’re going to be here a while. Allison has decided to completely revamp our dorm, and Dan is helping her. I think she wants to figure out what her apartment will look like when she moves out next year, too.”
“Isn’t that what Pinterest is for?” Andrew questioned.
Renee’s ever-present smile widened. “I guess so. This might be more fun, though.”
“This is the furthest thing from fun I could think of right now”, Andrew replied, mouth stinging a bit at the hyperbole.
“Still, you’re here.”
Andrew gestured in front of them, where Neil was helping Dan choose between different plate sets. (Off-white or teal? It was a question Andrew frankly didn't care about the answer to.) It communicated his intentions quite effectively, but it also might communicate too much, judging by Renee’s happy eyes.
A small frown tugged at her lips soon after. “I noticed he looks tired”, she said. “I wonder if he’ll be okay sticking around for so long. Shopping is so tiring.”
Andrew was well aware of that. Just the brightness of the yellow-white lights and the way people’s voices echoed off the walls and became shrill were already digging into his head. He didn’t imagine Neil felt much better, certain that his sleep even before the nightmare that woke him had been fitful at best.
Andrew was about to say that, in that case, he’d just drive him back home, but then realized that Kevin, Aaron, and Nicky wouldn’t fit in Matt’s car alone and needed them to stick around. Damn .
“He’ll be fine”, Andrew said instead. Whatever it took, he decided - he’d guard Neil while the man slept in one of the display bedrooms if he had to.
After navigating through the living room displays, office, and lighting, Neil was looking worse for wear. Andrew had taken up post by his side and had to steady the other man when he stumbled over nothing. “You’re not gonna be able to stay on your feet for much longer”, he pointed out.
Neil sighed. The smudges under his eyes looked a bit like spilled ink.
Apparently, Dan had overheard the exchange, because she sidled up to Neil’s other side and looked at him with concern. “Hey, why don’t we make some room for you in one of the carts?”
Andrew felt his appreciation for the woman increase by several points.
Neil hesitated, but eventually agreed, and several of their teammates helped move things from Matt’s cart into Kevin’s so that there was enough room on one end for Neil to curl up. Before he got in, Matt shed his jacket and turned it into a make-do cushion, and Allison offered up her own coat as a sort of pillow so the metal edge of the cart wouldn’t push into his temple.
Neil curled into himself, knees drawn up and hands cradled to his chest, leaning against the back of the cart with Matt just on the other side of the grates. The way the other Foxes seemed to form a protective circle around the cart, helping Neil feel safe enough to close his eyes, actually made something clench in Andrew’s chest. Something close to wonder kindled inside him, but he tried to ignore it.
He supposed it was good to know that he could trust the others to keep Neil safe, at least to an extent.
After moving through the bathroom displays, Matt noticed how Andrew’s eyes never strayed, and he eventually stepped away from the cart, gesturing for Andrew to take his place, eyebrows raised in question.
Without so much as an expression or a word, Andrew replaced Matt. Neil wasn’t fully asleep, just resting, so he opened his eyes at the slight commotion near his head, and smiled softly when he saw Andrew standing there.
At least the others were somewhat preoccupied with gathering soap dispensers, towels, and the like, so Andrew let his coat slip off his shoulders and pulled it over Neil like a blanket. Neil grabbed onto the collar, burrowing into the fabric, and closed his eyes once more.
Andrew spent the rest of their time at IKEA carding his hand through Neil’s hair, glaring in warning at whatever teammate or stranger dared to even look at his vulnerable - but safe - something.