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“No.. I like you just as a friend, Seokjin-ah. I’m sorry. You’re one of my best friends!”
The thing he feared most, actually happened.
Jin keeps replaying these words in his head, hearing them ring over and over again, like the first time. It’s been a couple of hours and he is back home in his bedroom, tears still streaming down his cheeks, his heart broken and the pain in his chest making it hard to breathe. Breathe in. Out.
Just three hours ago he confessed his love to his friend Taehyung. Jin was never the most confident guy, but with the way their friendship was progressing, he had reasonable hope that his confession would go well. They started hanging out together in school, during their junior year, having met through mutual friends at a party. His mind drifts to that night.
He had been dating a boy from his class back then, Namjoon, but their relationship was fizzling out after a few months - or so it seemed to Jin. He didn’t really have any previous experience to compare it to, but he realized that the affection he felt for Namjoon was more for a friend than a boyfriend.
Namjoon was tall, cute and the smartest guy in class, but also incredibly dorky and clumsy when left to his own devices: the whole class had Jin to thank for saving Namjoon from setting the classroom on fire because of a chemistry experiment gone wrong. Namjoon developed a serious crush on his saviour, and Jin relented after many invitations for study and movie dates. He liked Namjoon, and was curious about dating in general, so he decided to give it a shot. Soon they settled into an easy rhythm and seemed like a couple that’s been together a while. Three months in, at an end of the school year party, he was talking to his friend Yoongi, leaning on the wall, observing the crowd getting rowdier from all the alcohol they managed to procure.
“Where is your boyfriend?” Yoongi asked, a tinge of irony in his voice, not missed by Jin.
“Yoongi, why do you make it seem like it’s abnormal for him to skip a party? He’s preparing for the math championship.”
“Yes, yes, he’s the best! You don’t seem so down he’s skipping it?” Yoongi is not letting it go.
Jin rolls his eyes at Yoongi and answers: “Should I be moping somewhere in the corner? I’ll see him this weekend.”
He feels offended by Yoongi’s remarks, but also.. Why doesn’t he miss Namjoon more? As he ponders this, he notices a couple of kids from the school making waves on the dance floor.
He recognizes the popular kids, among them some from their year, Jimin and his best friend Taehyung. They were hard to miss: Jimin, the school’s star dancer with pink hair, slim dancer’s physique and infectious laugh; then there was Taehyung, the beautiful and quirky boy with large, warm eyes, fluffy brown hair and a boxy smile, artist who had the school girls and boys swooning over him. Both known as the free spirits, so the best the admirers could hope for was a hookup, and even that didn’t happen that often.
They were the stars of the dancefloor, Taehyung following Jimin’s lead quite well, their dancing becoming more sexy with time. Jin stopped talking to Yoongi and they both observed the scene in front of them unfold.
“Jin, you’ve got drool coming out of your mouth”, Yoongi observed his friend who couldn’t tear his eyes from the spectacle on the dance floor.
Jin quickly averted his eyes to his friend, annoyed, “Well if you were not so boring, I wouldn’t have to look around for entertainment.”
“Nice save!” Yoongi started laughing, watching his friend’s ears getting redder by the second.
Soon their attention returned to Jimin trying to grind on Taehyung, when Taehyung started laughing and pushed his friend away, “Jiminah, stop it, that’s so gay!”
Yoongi and Jin looked at each other in surprise, hearing the comment, and Jin couldn’t help himself but say loudly: “Dancing is a good way to cure even the more acute forms of homophobia.”
Every head in the vicinity turned toward Jin who now looked like a deer in the headlights, all his courage disappearing under so much attention. Taehyung turned toward him, looking confused and embarrassed, while Jimin was laughing at him, “Serves you right for saying dumb shit like that!”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything bad with it, it’s just a stupid expression..” Taehyung’s big brown eyes were staring earnestly at Jin, who felt his heart fluttering at the sight.
“It’s okay, I am not the pc police..” Jin managed to at least appear calm. He also wasn’t enjoying all the attention he was getting, so Yoongi jumped in, “But if you ever decide to do some “gay” dancing again, give us a call”. People around started laughing and soon the attention turned elsewhere, but Taehyung remained standing in front of Jin, along with a now confused looking Jimin.
“I am really not like that… I’m sorry, I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Taehyung.” The boy was really trying hard to make amends.
“Taehyung, don’t you know Jin and Yoongi?” Jimin asked, surprised. “Hey guys, my bff can be a dumbass. How am I supposed to not act gay when I am?”
The boys laughed, Taehyung still looking embarrassedly down, and Jin thought he would probably forgive him for murder in this moment. He couldn’t believe this was the same person from the dance floor a couple of minutes earlier: this boy looked so cute and shy, standing awkwardly and fiddling with his hands. The contrast between his sexy outfit of skinny jeans and a loose, almost see through gray silk shirt, and his facial expression was making Jin’s brain glitch.
“No, I don’t think we’ve met.”, said Yoongi, side eyeing his friend. “Drinks, anyone?”
“Yes! I hope they haven’t drank all the beer already.” Jimin jumped up and down, looking like an orange ball of energy, “I’ll help you and give these two a chance to bury the hatchet.”
Jin and Taehyung began to protest at the same time, but they were ignored and soon left to their own devices. Jin leaned back against the wall and chanced a look to his left under his eye.
Taehyung was still standing next to him with hands in his pockets, awkwardly observing the dance floor.
“So that was not a federal crime, you know?” Jin decided to start the conversation.
Taehyung turned and finally looked him in the eye, his brown eyes lighting up under the curly bangs. “I know - I just feel so dumb for even saying it. I’m bi, I have no idea why I said that. Can we start over?”
“You shall never be forgiven! Your sins are too great, young man! Go and repent!” Jin had no idea what came over him but suddenly he felt light and silly, looking at Taehyung’s facial expression going from surprise to the widest, sweetest smile he’s ever seen.
“AHAHAHHAHAA!” Taehyung’s laugh was surprisingly deep and Jin could feel the vibrations in his body as he joined in and soon they were just laughing like crazy.
“I like you. Wanna be my friend?” Taehyung looked at him earnestly when the laughter subsided and Jin, feeling helpless at the sudden charm attack, just nodded. And that was how their friendship started.
Jin fell hard and fast for the beautiful and quirky boy with fluffy hair and a boxy smile, but decided not to say anything, in fear of losing the friendship. He knew Yoongi was right and that Namjoon was already history that same night he met Taehyung, so he broke up with him right after the math championship. Namjoon didn't handle the breakup very well and Jin knew it would take some time before they could be friends again.
As time went by, Taehyung and Jin were spending more and more time together, both in school and out - so much that his friends started teasing him about Taehyung, to his embarrassment. Despite his good looks, Jin was also a bit of a nerd, and painfully shy. He’d blush in an instant: even when someone would just mention Taehyung, the colour of his pale cheeks would turn the softest pink. He still found it hard to believe that one of the coolest guys in their year wanted to be his friend. He just wished it were enough for him.
His best friends Yoongi and Jungkook were becoming more and more annoying with their constant teasing, and started to try to talk him into doing something. At first he adamantly denied the idea of making a move, but with time, as he grew closer with Taehyung, and everyone noticed their special bond, he gained some courage.
“So I decided.. I will wait for him today after school, walk him home, and then confess!” he says excitedly, efficiently startling Yoongi and Jungkook from their sleepy haze before the first morning class.
“What?!”, Yoongi jumped in his seat. Jungkook’s round eyes grew bigger as he looked at Jin in surprise: “I never thought you would actually do it! But hell yes, go Jin!”, he elbowed Jin who yelped at the punch.
“What will you say, do you have a speech prepared?” Jungkook, always the practical one, wanted to know the action plan.
“I will tell him everything as it is: that I love spending time with him and that I’d like us to be more than friends. Should I have a speech prepared?!” Jin asked, starting to panic, watching his friends with big, brown eyes. He started to nervously pull at the edge of the sleeves of his oversized pink hoodie.
“No, Jin! You don’t need a speech!” Yoongi said, glaring at Jungkook, who just looked down, shrugging his shoulders. “But if you’ll need some help, just text us, we’ll be on standby!”
This seemed to calm Jin down a bit, although he still felt a bit queasy. These were no butterflies, he thought. Love is pain.
The school day passed in a daze, and here he was, standing in front of school waiting for Taehyung. He watched the kids leave, saying bye to his classmates, and soon he saw a head of unruly, curly dark hair and a forest green jacket. His heart started to beat faster as he watched Taehyung greet his friends and turn around, his eyes searching for Jin. Once he found him, his eyes twinkled and he smiled and waved, and started to run to him.
“Hey!! Finally. I thought this day would NEVER end.”, Taehyung gave Jin a big, bear hug, and stayed like that for a moment. Jin felt like he was going to melt right on the spot.
“I know what you mean!”, Jin smiled awkwardly, thinking oh, you have no idea.
“Let’s go! I want to get away from this place as soon as possible!” Taehyung took his arm and dragged him towards the street. They fell into a leisurely pace, chatting about their school day, teachers, and friends. Jin always felt at ease in Taehyung’s company, and today was no different: he almost forgot about what is ahead, enjoying Taehyung’s sarcastic jokes and impressions of teachers.
“And then she asked Jimin and me to go with her to her office to “help her bring the teaching materials””, Taehyung was telling him another story about their history professor, a beautiful lady in her 40s who had a soft spot for good looking boys, especially Taehyung and his bff, Jimin.
”She always makes us bring heavy stuff and then comments on how strong we are.. God, it’s so cheesy!” he laughs in a deep voice, and Jin feels a sudden surge of sympathy towards the teacher. He understands.
“She doesn’t do it to anyone in our class”, Jin notes.
“No?! Not even you? I don’t believe it!” Taehyung looked at him in surprise, and Jin felt giddy at this kind-of-compliment.
“No! She is pretty well behaved. I did catch her staring at Namjoon’s ass and thighs once or twice.” Jin laughed.
“Who would look at Namjoon over you..” Taehyung looked on in wonder, almost unconsciously, and Jin’s cheeks started to turn into a more intense shade of pink.
They turn the corner into the park close to their houses, and slow down as Jin finally gathers the courage and asks “Wanna hang out here a bit? I need to talk to you about something.”
Taehyung looks at him in surprise, “Sure! What’s this all about, why are you so serious?!”
Jin breathes deep as they sit on a bench in the park, their legs almost touching. Jin stares at his favorite, scruffy, navy Chuck Taylors, going silent, sensing the confusion from Taehyung next to him.
“I.. wanted to talk to you in private.. And in person.”
“Hey, are you okay? What’s going on?” Tae looks so worried, Jin thinks. I need to do this now.
“Tae.. I like you. I like you as more than just a friend. It’s been on my mind for a while, and I feel you need to know..” Jin says it all in one breath, feeling like these couple of sentences are the most important thing he’s said in his 17-year old life.
He finally gathers courage to look at Taehyung, lifts his eyes and meets a surprised.. No, horrified gaze! Taehyung is looking at him in horror.
Maybe not horror, but not.. In a good way. His stomach sinks and he can feel the tears gathering already. Wait, Jin, he hasn’t said no yet. Maybe you’re imagining.
“Tae?”, he asks in a small voice.
“Jin.. I.. Don’t know. I didn’t expect this.” Taehyung still looks confused, his eyes big like saucers, glued to Jin’s face. I mustn’t start crying, Jin thinks. Not now.
“I.. like you, but as a friend.” he finally sighs, looking at Jin with a sad gaze. “I’m sorry.”
Jin feels his heart shattering into a thousand pieces, sitting there on the bench, listening to the sounds of a normal workday afternoon rolling around him. The kids playing on the playground, cars passing, wind rustling the trees around them. How can everything seem so normal when it’s not? Not for him.
“Jin-ah? Hey!” Taehyung looks at him worriedly, his face full of sadness that is but a mere fragment of the emotions going through Jin. He straightens out, and tries to smile,
“It’s okay, Tae! No problem, just friends!”, he stands up, “Let’s forget this conversation ever happened. I will not bother you with such things anymore.” Jin knows he has to leave this place as soon as possible.
“Hey, no.. I am glad you talked to me about it. We are best friends, we talk about everything, right?” Taehyung looks at him worriedly, his brows knit together in thought.
“Yes, the best of friends!” Jin tries to smile but feels like it is more of a grimace. “Listen, I need to get going, I have so much math homework for tomorrow..”
Taehyung jumps up, “Sure, yes, let’s go! I need to study as well.”, he seems lost in thought, and Jin is thankful for it. At least he is not paying attention to my pathetic face trying not to cry.
They walk in silence, Jin never so eager to lose Taehyung’s company. Soon they come to Taehyung’s house, say their goodbyes, and Jin starts running to his home, not far away. He can feel the tears now streaming freely down his cheeks, and the sheer pain and loss ripping through him.
He runs into the house, says a quick hello to his parents, excuses himself with homework and goes to his room. As soon as he closes the door, he slides down to the floor and the sobs just keep coming. He rewinds the whole conversation.. Still in disbelief that it actually happened.
Was I too confident? Did I imagine things?
He thinks back to all the times Taehyung was so clingy with him, always paying him so much attention, and also hating when someone else grabbed Jin’s attention.. Taehyung always made fun of Jin’s ex, Namjoon, for no apparent reason.
No, you’re not crazy! You were not imagining things! Well, what good does it do now? I was obviously wrong.
He hears another incoming message sound, and takes the phone out of his pocket, wiping the tears with his other hand. His group chat with Yoongi and Jungkook is full of unread messages, and he scrolls through all the messages of encouragement, curiosity, begging for information, and decides to let his friends know what happened.
“FAIL. He likes me just as a friend.”
Y: “What?!”
JK: “Noooo!! I don’t believe it!”
J: “Believe it..” Jin describes the sad event in a couple of sentences.
Y: “His loss!”
JK: “Hyung, r u ok? Want us to come over??”
J: “Fine, just a bit tired..see you tomorrow?”
Y: “Of course! Text us if you need us. Not too late though, you know I need my beauty sleep.”
JK:”Text us WHENEVER! You can text me anytime.”
J: “Thanks JK - a true friend. Later!”
He lies down on the floor and turns up the music.
Why are you getting farther away?
So far that I can’t reach you?
Tell me why, you’re so far away, why
Can’t you see me in your eyes anymore?
He wakes up the next morning at the sound of the alarm at 6:30, feeling like he’d been run over by a truck a couple of times. His head hurts from all the crying he did last night and he briefly considers acting sick and skipping school today, but decides against it. It would be too pathetic. Even more than he is feeling right now.
He takes a shower, solves the issue of red eyes with some eye drops, and decides to dress up a bit today, just to make himself feel better. He puts on black skinny jeans and a black shirt that hugs his wide shoulders perfectly, and combs back his hair from his face. He always liked this hairstyle, but he doesn’t normally feel comfortable wearing it, because it seems a bit dressy. But today, he wants to feel good about himself.
He goes to the kitchen, greets his parents at the table having breakfast, and hugs his mom.
“Jinnie, you look so handsome today! Even more than usual! Is there someone special you are dressing up for?”, his mother looks at him fondly.
Jin grabs a banana and pours himself a cup of coffee, heavy on milk and sugar.
“Mom!! NO! I just wanted to look good today.”Jin rolls his eyes but feels embarrassed lying to his mother like that.
“Honey, maybe he dressed up because he is planning a career in fashion?”, his father teases him, but Jin is already running out of the door with his backpack in hand, “I have to run or I’ll be late for school! Love ya!”
Yoongi and Jungkook wait for him in front of the school, and it makes Jin feel a bit better and less anxious.
“Check you out!” Jungkook whistles, looking him up and down, “If I weren’t already gay, you would be responsible for my gay awakening!” Yoongi and Jin just laugh at his silliness, and he is pleased with the effect he achieved.
“He’s not wrong, you look hot today - I thought you would barely drag yourself to school and here you are, looking better than, well, ever?” Yoongi looks at him questioningly.
Jin looks at his friends’ worried faces and feels a certain warmth inside: “I thought I would feel better if I looked better. Last night was.. A lot. But here I am - what doesn’t kill you..”
“What will you do when you run into him?”, Jungkook asks.
“I don’t know.. Try to act normal but also not hang out too much with him for now? I don’t want to lose him as a friend, but I need some time to get over this..” Jin feels last night’s sadness rising again, and blinks the tears away.
“Okay, let’s get inside, we’ll be late!” Yoongi pushes both of them towards the school entrance, and Jin throws him a grateful glance. Jungkook elbows him back, “We look like three idiots, all in black.” They look at each other and sure enough, their outfits almost match. “You mean like the hottest boy band in school?” Jin laughs.
“You mean, the world?” Yoongi adds cooly, pushing his mint green hair back dramatically, like he’s doing a photoshoot.
“Noo, my eyes hurt! Make it stop!” Jungkook sighs dramatically, hiding his eyes with his hand.
They pile up into the classroom, Jin going in the last. As he closes the door, he sees Taehyung standing down the hall, surrounded with his classmates, looking at him with a serious expression on his face. Jin quickly closes the door, suddenly feeling out of breath.
The day passes by uneventfully until the lunch break when Jin is dragged by his friends to the school cafeteria even though he was trying to make a break for the classroom - even the toilet would do. He’s not ready to face Taehyung, especially after he caught a glimpse of him earlier.
They get food and find a table, joining some of the people from their class.
“Guys, are you coming on Saturday?”, their classmate Hoseok, the most energetic person Jin’s ever seen, asks.
“What’s on Saturday?”, Yoongi replies with a question. Namjoon joins in on the conversation, “Hobi, I haven’t had a chance to invite them yet! I am throwing a party on Saturday night, and I was hoping you’d come?” he looks at them over his thin-framed silver glasses, suddenly looking a bit shy, but keeping his gaze mostly on Jin.
“A party!” Jungkook shouts enthusiastically, “Yes, we’re in! Right?”, he looks at Jin and Yoongi.
“Sure” Yoongi answers, and Jin finally looks at them absentmindedly, “Huh? Yes, we’re in.”
Namoon’s smile turns wide and Yoongi just rolls his eyes, catching on the way Namjoon’s been looking at oblivious Jin. Hmm, seems like someone is eager to get Jin back, thinks Yoongi.
“Thanks, Joon, text us the details!” Jungkook adds, before they get up to go to their next class.
As they exit the cafeteria, they find themselves face to face with Taehyung and Jimin.
“Hey!” Jimin smiles at the three of them, while Taehyung nods quietly.
“Hey, what’ve you been up to?”, Jin asks, mustering up a weak smile, trying to act cooler than he feels. Taehyung looks at him in what Jin can only explain as in wonder.
“What’s the occasion, Jin? I was just telling Tae you look especially hot today”, Jimin asks Jin.
Before Jin could think of an anwer, Jungkook huffs acting insulted, “Jimin, don’t you see that all three of us have a black outfit thing going on today?” He points at Yoongi, Jin and himself. “Yoongi said that wearing black conveys his views on the world today best and that we should support him.”
Yoongi and Jin nod at the dumb explanation in relief, and Jimin laughs at Jungkook acting cute, “Jungkookie, you always look hot to me!”, winking at him.
Now it was Jungkook’s turn to be flustered, but soon Taehyung mutters: “Jiminah, we’ll be late for the class, we still have to grab some food before or I’ll starve!”
He starts dragging Jimin away, waving at them, and Jin catches his eye for a moment, but they both quickly look away.
“That was so AWKWARD!” Yoongi says, looking at Jin, “Are you okay?”
Jin, still looking after Taehyung’s retreating figure, sighs, “I have to be.”
“Why is no one asking me how I am after Jimin called me hot?!” Jungkook’s big, round eyes look even bigger as he watches them in question. “I. Am. Hot.” He does a little winner’s jump as they head towards their classroom.
“Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder.” Yoongi teases him, and earns a playful kick to the butt.
Jin takes a seat in the class, half-listening to his friends bickering, thinking about what just transpired in the hallway. Why was Taehyung acting like that? Did he ruin their friendship with his confession, or will they be able salvage it? The mere idea that Taehyung might feel awkward around him and that his company might be unwelcome, makes him queasy. He feels the tears coming back, and quickly wipes a stray, first one, before the teacher comes in.
He feels a warm hand squeeze his shoulder and hears Yoongi whispering, “It’ll be okay, Jin.”
The rest of the day passes in a blur, and soon he’s walking home, after saying no to Jungkook insisting they go to an arcade, “To shoot away those bad feelings”, as he says.
He needs to have some more time to himself, and Yoongi, as a fellow introvert, understands that and without a word drags Jungkook away.
At home he busies himself with his homework, does his chores, and even cleans his room. He knows his mother will figure out something is strange with him, tidying up on a Tuesday instead of over the weekend/last minute, but he can’t sit still.
After dinner with his parents, he quickly excuses himself, saying he has more studying to do, and retreats back to his room. He grabs a book from his bookshelf, deciding that the world of fantasy is the only place he wants to be right now, and starts reading. The world of a private eye/wizard investigating supernatural murders among vampires and witches quickly pulls him in, and when his phone buzzes, he almost jumps from his bed.
He looks at the phone and sees a message from Taehyung. Any other day, it would be a normal occurrence - they would text even right after they came back from school, just continuing their conversations. Now Jin is finding it hard to muster up the courage to read the whole message.
He takes a deep breath and opens the message.
T: “Hey.. sorry about today :/”
Jin breathes a sigh of relief.
J: “Why sorry, wdym?”
T: “For disappearing so quickly after running into you. I didn’t mean to.. It just felt awkward.”
J: “Oh no.. did I make you that uncomfortable? I’m so sorry, Tae :(“
T: “No, it’s not you! It’s me. I just wanted to say sorry, and I promise I’ll be back to normal tomorrow.”
I wish I could be back to normal tomorrow, thinks Jin.
J: “No need to apologize! I put you in that position.”
T: “I just want us to be okay.. I don’t like not being able to talk to you.”
J: “You can always talk to me, Tae.”
T: “Thanks!! So.. what are you up to?”
J: “Just reading..”
They text back and forth for another hour, just like they usually do, but for Jin it feels bittersweet. The idea that this is all there will be between them is still so hard to grasp.
As he feels another wave of sadness coming in, he sends a text:
J: “Yawn.. gotta go, Tae. Almost asleep here”
T: “Sure.. sleep tight”
J: “You too! Night!”
T: “Oh I forgot to mention, you should wear that look you had on today more often! Looks so good on you.”
Jin sees the text and feels a sudden burst of anger as he chucks the phone on the bed and curses, “FOR FUCK’S SAKE WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!”
It takes a moment for him to calm down, grab his phone, and text back:
J: “Oh? Thanks”
He stops himself from sending Taehyung another draft he had in mind: “Why do you do this?!”, and decides not to wait and see if another message comes, so he switches his phone off.
I’ll be better by morning, he thinks, the emotional and physical toll from the whole day finally settling in. The fear he will not be able to sleep disappears as soon as his head hits the pillow, and he falls asleep almost instantly.
As he gets out of his house the next morning, he finds Taehyung waiting for him on the street. He’s standing on the sidewalk, lost in thoughts, looking up into the nearby tree, and Jin thinks he is the most beautiful boy he’s ever seen. He’s dressed in a brown cardigan he probably confiscated from his grandpa, a white t-shirt, a pair of faded jeans, and the wind is messing up his curly locks, cut just below his eyebrows. There is an old leather satchel hanging off his shoulder almost carelessly, the whole ensemble making him look like a page out of a magazine.
“Hey” Jin says as he is approaching him, seeing the look of surprise in Taehyung’s eyes as he is startled from his reverie.
“Hi!” Taehyung greets him back with a smile, “Surprise! Thought it’d be good if we walked to school together.”
Jin feels weak at the knees looking at his wide smile, anger from last night long forgotten. What replaced it is pure confusion and curiosity.
“Sure thing, I’m just a little surprised?” They used to go to school together from time to time, usually when they would run into each other along the way, as Taehyung’s house was on Jin’s way to school. This was.. Unexpected.
Taehyung looks at Jin, his smile falling a bit, “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable..”
Jin elbows him and starts walking, “Enough of this, let’s go, we’ll be late!” and he can see Taehyung’s smile out of the corner of his eye. This getting over thing will be more difficult than I imagined, thinks Jin while they walk to school and chat.
Once in school and in the Taehyung-free classroom, he can relax a bit. He feels the hurt and confusion seeping back in, wondering how he will get over him and remain his friend.. Before he thought it possible, but now he thinks that it feels pretty masochistic, even for him. Does he need the self torture? Will he be there when Taehyung starts dating someone, and play the part of the bff dutifully, maybe even third wheel on their dates? While constantly wondering what does the other person have that he doesn’t?
It all seems a bit much, he sighs while leaning his head on his arms folded on the desk.
“Why so dramatic?” asks Jungkook, as he enters the classroom.
“Nothing! Just tired.” Jin doesn’t feel like reliving his misery once more at the moment.
Jungkook takes a seat next to him, not saying anything upon picking up his friend’s mood. Yoongi joins them a few seconds before the teacher, and they listen to the class in silence.
The rest of the day goes pretty well, from Jin’s point of view: he stays in the classroom for the whole day, feeling cowardly, but also like it is necessary for his current fragile state. Yoongi and Jungkook don’t ask any more questions regarding Taehyung, and Jin feels like he can breathe a bit better. Maybe a bit of avoidance is a good strategy for now.
As he walks home, thankfully this time alone, he thinks more about the whole situation. He never considered all the ways the aftermath of his confession would go: he saw either a happy ending (how naive, he thinks bitterly), or that Taehyung might feel awkward around him and avoid him for a while, thus giving Jin a chance to get over it… The current state feels like an uncharted territory: he needs some time away to heal, but Taehyung seems not to realize it. Is he really that clueless? Or just heartless, selfish?
The questions swirl around his mind and he cannot find an answer, he just knows he has to find a way out of this mess. The worst part of the whole thing is still the tiny glimmer of hope that is hiding in his heart, and he feels so angry at himself for being so weak.
The next few days until Friday pass by in a daze of schoolwork, friends, carefully dosed interactions with Taehyung, who can see he is being kept at arm’s length but doesn’t say anything, just observes him. Sometimes even from the other end of the hall and Jin feels like he has a special radar for Taehyung and can sense his presence, but it turns out Taehyung is that obvious - even Yoongi catches him looking on more than once.
“I don’t know what to say, Jin. It makes no sense to me, why is he giving you the sad puppy eyes the whole week?” His best friend seems as confused as he is.
“I’m not imagining it, Yoongi, right?”
“No, you’re not. I think even Jungkookie noticed and you know he’s not much for subtleties.”
“It’s driving me crazy. I’m happy it’s Friday, I need a break from it all.” Jin sighs, making sweater paws out of his oversized hoodie and drags Yoongi down the school hallway towards the exit, “Where’s Jungkook?”
“I saw him talking to Jimin and decided it was best to leave them alone, and also lessen the chances of running into Taehyung one more time.”
Jin smiled thinking of Jungkook trying to awkwardly flirt with his crush somewhere in the school, “He really has it bad for Jimin, I’ve never seen him like this.”
“Look who’s talking!” Yoongi smirked at him.
“Yah! You’re NOT helping! So. The party tomorrow. I am going and will get drunk.”
“Fighting words! Also, you need like two beers to get completely wasted so that shouldn’t be
too hard.” Yoongi bolts away a couple of steps in front of Jin, and Jin chases after him, swinging his leg to kick him in the butt.
“Hey I need this now!”
“Well I need to drown my sorrows too, I’m painfully single and you and Jungkook are all caught up in your love dramas!”
“Nothing to be envious for here - also, Yoongi, who could resist your charms?”
“F*ck off! I’m not paying for your coffee, I changed my mind.”
“But I really mean it.” Jin teased his friend, looking at him with his big brown eyes pleading as they entered a caffe. “Also, I’m broke, come ooon!”
They spend a couple of hours just talking and reading comics in the caffe, and annoying Jungkook by texting him constantly and getting just one-word replies from him. They know he’s alive, he talked to Jimin, and is now back home playing games online and blatantly ignoring them.
Jin cannot help but notice a lack of texts from Taehyung the whole afternoon, and tries to rationalize it as being for the best. Since the end of the school year is here, he spends the evening looking for summer jobs online, and goes to sleep early to avoid glancing at his phone too often.
Saturday comes and Jin drags himself out of bed past noon. He couldn’t fall asleep for a long time, so he spent half the night at his window, looking at the full moon outside and listening to music. It was his ultimate getaway, time only for himself: the quiet of the night, pierced by melancholic sounds played at low volume and the darkness only disturbed by the light of a celestial body.
Healing time, as his mother would call it. He just wondered how long will the hole in his chest take to heal, because at the moment he felt like a zombie with a gunshot wound to the heart, walking around and mimicking the living.
The time until the party passed in a blur of chores, texts with his friends and it was time to get ready. The party theme was black & white, so Jin decided to go with an all black outfit similar to the one that got him many compliments the other day, less because of the need for attention and more because it went well with his current mood. Soon he is waiting for Yoongi and Jungkook to pick him up, in a black thin sweater exposing his collar bones, black skinny jeans and black boots. He slicked his hair back and to the side, and, looking at the mirror, he had to admit he looked good.
The party was already in full swing when they drove up to Namjoon’s place: a beautiful, sleek, modern house at the end of a cul-de-sac. He comes from an upper middle class family, an only child of two very busy and important surgeons in the city’s university hospital. Since it was the end of the school year party, the house was crowded and it took some time for Jin, Yoongi and Jungkook to power through a blur of monochromatically dressed people.
They stumble into the kitchen looking for drinks, and run into Hoseok and Namjoon, trying to mix cocktails. Luckily, Namjoon is the one reading the recipe off his phone, and Hoseok is doing the actual mixing.
“What’s cooking??” asks Jungkook, jumping onto Hoseok’s back and making him jump in surprise.
“Careful, we mustn’t spill the precious booze! Hey boys, you made it!” Hoseok hugged them all as soon as he got himself out of Jungkook’s grip. Namjoon smiles happily at them, his eyes lingering on Jin, “I’m glad you came.”
Jin smiles at the boy, actually feeling happy to see him. “Hey Namjoonah, good to see you!”
“Should we try this or stick to beer? Have YOU tried it?” Yoongi asks Hoseok, eyeing suspiciously the blender with greenish-coloured liquid. “What’s in it?”
“Mostly tequila? Some Triple sec and lime juice and.. Some other things? It’s delicious! Margarita inspired but better” Hosek smiles at them and it’s easy to tell he did some quality control while making it.
Namjoon pipes in, “Yes, try it! We already made a couple of pitchers, and we cannot keep up with the demand!” He seems buzzed as well, but knowing him, he probably won’t get completely wasted. Hoseok is another thing, and in the next moment they see him clearing out the bar counter and climbing up to dance. He’s an amazing dancer, so even in a drunken state seems pretty coordinated, only the giggling and slightly pink cheeks betraying him.
“We should either cut him off now or give him another three drinks and make it a full spectacle” Jungkook is smirking at Hoseok wilding and dancing with some guy on the bar.
Yoongi is just staring at the dancer, drinking the first glass of the magical green drink quietly, while Jin accepts a glass from Namjoon. “If you don’t like it, don’t drink it, there’s plenty of other things, Jin.” Namjoon says, looking a bit flustered with Jin’s presence.
Jin feels a little bit endeared with the fact that he still has that effect on Namjoon, and it does soothe his wounded ego for a minute.
“Thank you, Namjoonah, you’re the best!” He smiles at the blushing host, while Yoongi rolls his eyes at the exchange.
“We should go dance!” Jungkook exclaims enthusiastically, and continues quickly, watching the faces of his friends fall, “no backing out, you promised you will be on the dance floor for at least half an hour, TRAITORS.”
Jin downs his first drink and motions at Namjoon to pour him another one, sighing, “Okay, we promised.. Hold your horses, we’ll be dancing soon!”
After some more drinking, they move to the living area, a huge room with glass windows and a view to the outside patio and pool. The scarce, minimalist furniture is moved a bit out of the way to make room for a mass of horny, jumping or writhing teenagers, dancing to the latest hits.
“What, Jimin is DJ-ing?!” Jungkook’s eyes grow even rounder and bigger as he notices Jimin swaying to the beat behind a desk with a laptop and other equipment.
“He actually offered it himself, I was so surprised? Also grateful because I have no idea who’d do it, certainly not me!” Namjoon smiled at them, not noticing the way Jin’s eyes started roaming the crowd.
Jin didn’t have to search for long before he noticed Taehyung, dancing close to the DJ, decked out in an ethereal white outfit of a loose shirt and pants. His hair was messy and curly and in his eyes, and when he raised his arms, Jin could see a bunch of silver bracelets on his delicate wrists. He looked like a fallen angel with moves so sinful, it was no wonder he was attracting lots of attention.
Soon a girl and a guy joined him and started dirty dancing with him, pressing their bodies dangerously close to his, and Jin felt physically sick in an instance, but he couldn’t turn his gaze elsewhere.
He felt a nudge, and saw Jungkook looking at him worriedly. He knew he didn’t have to explain anything to him and Yoongi, and finally decided to at least try and take his mind off his heartbreak. So he finally joins his friends, and starts dancing and doing some silly moves with Yoongi and Hoseok, feeling the warmth of alcohol spreading through his body and loosening his inhibitions.
Namjoon is apparently in the same mood, and is doing a dorky kind of dance accompanied with faces that were probably meant to look sexy, but causes the gang to just laugh at their friend, including Jin. Namjoon takes it as encouragement and moves closer to Jin, starts dancing with him, and Jin finds it so funny and adorable, he goes on with it.
He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively at Namjoon jokingly, but his drunk ex sees it as clear encouragement and puts his hands on Jin’s hips and moves even closer. Jin can hear whistles from his friends, and thinks about stopping it, but then decides there’s no harm in flirting and feeling wanted by someone, even if it’s his ex. Namjoon’s brown eyes are observing him, his lips quirked in a sweet, drunken lopsided smile. He’s trying really hard to act cool, doing some silly moves, and Jin laughs at it all because he finds it very cute.
Feeling encouraged by Jin’s smiles, Namjoon leans in closer and says, “I missed this. I missed you.” Jin stops dancing, surprised by the confession: “Joonie, you’re just drunk, that’s why you’re saying it!”
“No.. Could we go somewhere quiet to talk?” Namjoon suddenly seems way more sober than a minute before. “Uh.. sure.” Jin replies, and Namjoon takes him by the hand and they go outside to the deck. As they are leaving, they hear whistles from their friends, and Jin turns around to give them death stares, which just makes Yoongi yell even louder.
Taehyung is standing next to the DJ booth, observing the whole scene, dancing long forgotten. “Just standing here won't solve things, Tae. Why aren’t you doing something about it?” Jimin asks him, observing his friend’s sad face.
“I messed it all up, Jimin, and now he’ll go back to Namjoon. I can’t believe I was so stupid..”
“Don’t you think, if he wanted to be back with Namjoon, he would have?” Jimin hugs his best friend. “He confessed to you. You turned him down. You need to go fix this mess, and now!”
Taehyung smiles at Jimin, “You really have a shit-for-brains friend - when you say it like that, it seems so simple.”
“‘CAUSE IT IS!” Jimin yells at Taehyung exasperatedly, over loud music from the speakers nearby.
“NOT FOR EVERYONE! LOSERS LIKE ME!” Taehyung yells back, just in the moment when the song suddenly finishes, and heads turn toward them, which causes Jimin to start laughing like crazy.
Taehyung turns red from embarrassment and sighs, “I am such a mess. You’re right, Jiminah.. I’ll do it.”
As Jimin plays another song, he looks at his friend and gives him one final push, “You better get to it before Jin drowns his sorrows in Namjoon.”
That worked like a kick in the butt and Taehyung springs like a mad man toward the terrace door.
It’s dark outside, lit up with some garden lights here and there, and a nearly full moon. There are more people outside than he thought, couples making out, some trying to sober up or get more wasted. The uneasiness in his chest is quickly turning into sheer panic, as he frantically looks for Jin.
There is a prettyish sort of wilderness in one corner of the otherwise perfect lawn, and Taehyung zooms in on two silhouettes in the dark, sitting on a bench. He could recognize Jin’s wide shoulders anywhere. They’re just talking, not kissing, thank god, he thinks. What now?
He is already close to them and they are bound to notice him very soon, so he finally decides to just go for it.
“Hey guys..” Taehyung clears his throat, as Namjoon and Jin turn around in surprise.
Jin’s eyes grow wider as he sees a vision in white, Taehyung, staring at them with a determined expression on his face.
“Taehyung?” Jin asks, his eyes growing wide.
“We are kind of in the middle of something, Tae.. did you need anything?” Namjoon doesn’t look too happy with the distraction.
“Sorry, but I need to talk to you, Jin.. it’s pretty urgent.” Taehyung’s eyes are glittery and Jin is wondering if it’s just the moon reflecting in those brown, beautiful orbs, or is he on the verge of crying?
“Why, what’s going on?” Jin’s anger and frustration are still here, emboldened by his friends’ alcoholic concoctions.
“Please, just five minutes, I won’t bother you more.” Taehyung’s resolve is slowly seeping away and his voice seems to be trembling.
Jin’s anger seeps away and he decides to say yes. I am so weak for him, he thinks.
“Okay, sure.. Namjoon, do you mind? I’ll be inside soon.” He says to Namjoon, who is looking between them, a bit confused and disappointed.
“Sure..” He stands up, giving them an awkward wave, and walks back inside.
Taehyung is left standing in front of Jin, looking at him with the same sad puppy expression, and Jin breaks the silence: “Sit down, Tae.. what’s going on?”
“Jinah, please forgive me.. I was so wrong.”
Out of all the things he thought Taehyung would say, this would have to be the last.
“About what? I can’t do this, Tae… “ He moves to get up from the bench, but Taehyung catches his hand, and pleads, “But I need to explain why I turned you down. Please.”
He looks at Jin with such a desperate look in his eyes that leaves Jin stumped, and, for the first time, speechless. He sits back down but now they’re suddenly so close.
Jin can feel the warmth radiating off Taehyung’s skin, and the scent of his woody, earthy perfume mixed with the natural smell of his hair and skin. It would be so easy to get lost in the moment.. But he can’t shake the uneasiness and has to ask, quietly, “Why then?”
Despite the darkness, Jin can see Taehyung’s features well, and he seems so, so serious.
“Because I’m an idiot.”
“I can’t do this Tae, if you’re messing around with me. What do you want from me?” His eyes fill with tears and his lip starts to quiver, part sadness, part frustration. He tries to move away but Taehyung’s hands hold him firmly in place.
“Jin, please! I can explain.” There is such desperation in the tone of his voice, that stops Jin in his tracks.
“I’m sorry. For everything. My reaction had nothing to do with how I feel.” Taehyung’s eyes are telling a story but his words are lacking, and Jin sighs in frustration:
“You’ll have to be clearer, Taehyung.”
“I was wrong about us, I was so stupid.. I don’t want to just be your friend. I want more.”
Jin raises a brow at this statement and thinks about commenting, but decides to let the boy talk further. He can tell Taehyung is having trouble holding his gaze and that catches him by surprise, because he always thought of him as a confident, life of the party kind of guy.
“I.. like you. I like you as so much more than a friend. I think I have for some time now, I just haven’t realized it.” His eyes drop down to the ground, and Jin can see the blush crawling up his cheeks. He still cannot believe the words that came out of Taehyung’s mouth.
Suddenly he feels like there is not enough air and Jin takes a deep breath before saying:
“But Tae, I confessed and you turned me down?!”
“Um.. I was taken by surprise, I wasn’t really thinking about us in that way until you said those things.” Taehyung sighs, his embarrassment still clearly visible.
“What changed then?”
“I started figuring out what I want.. I want.. This. Us. I’m sorry I am so bad at words.” He gathers courage and takes Jin’s hand in his, stroking and massaging it gently.
Jin feels his heart skip a beat at the sight, and he leans closer, without thinking, resting his forehead against Taehyung’s.
“You really suck at this - for such a popular guy, you have no game.” He manages to joke even though he feels like he will melt into a puddle beneath Taehyung’s feet any moment. “What should I do with you?”
Taehyung lifts his eyes and says with his deep voice, “You can do anything you want with me.”
Okay, maybe he does have some game, Jin thinks, feeling his ears grow the darkest shade of red possible. He looks at Taehyung’s lips, throws caution to the wind and slowly closes the short distance.