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Mammon hates being alive.
Something that his brothers would never imagine him saying, but it's the truth. Everything else he did was a lie - all those fancy speeches and acting like what other people said about him doesn't hurt.
He started lying since he was still an angel in the Celestial Realm. But now he's doing it everyday. It's as if he was standing on a stage and there was an audience looking at him, judging him if he'd make any mistake and his performance will never end as long as it's not perfect.
Obviously there was one simple way for him to end it, to put a horrible ending to the show. And the only way he can do that is to die.
It's only a thought, but it's the only thought he has whenever he woke up from his sleep just to find out he's still alive. That he's still breathing.
Maybe he had gotten the urge to stand on the edge of a cliff. Perhaps he had also held a bottle of sleeping pills for too long, unsure if that would be the right way to end his life. Maybe he always stared down at the watery abyss after finishing with his work at Majolish.
But it was just a thought. Even if he were to actually do it, there's still a chance he would fail. He had read about all the people that had failed their suicide attempts on RAD news.
and if he failed, all his efforts would be all for nothing-
"Mammon!" Beelzebub exclaimed, his hands landing on his older brother's shoulder from behind.
Startled, out of reflex, Mammon slapped Beel's hands off his shoulder.
"Why are you so surprised? Did you not hear me come in?" The younger had a confused look on his face.
"Sorry," Mammon said with a small smile, turning to look behind himself, "I was too deep in my own thoughts at the moment."
"What were you even thinking about until you don't even notice someone else's presence in your room?" Beelzebub just chuckled as he sat down next to his brother on the couch.
"Oh, yeah. Mammon, the others said they're going to eat at Ristorante Six for dinner later. Are you going to join us?"
"...." He didn't really feel hungry. But the others would probably ask questions if he didn't show up.
Wait... they wouldn't care, would they? Why would they care about him? He's just a scumbag, a moron, a disgrace to the family someone that shouldn't have been born They'd be glad to hear that he won't be joining them. Of course they would never want him there. They just invited him so he wouldn't feel left out.
"Mammon..?" His thoughts were interrupted by Beel's voice. The younger was still staring at him, making him realize that he hadn't answer the question yet. "Sorry, Beel. I was just thinking about something. The truth is, I don't feel hungry so I think I'll just stay here."
Beel's facial expression changed. "Are you sure? Didn't you already skip breakfast and lunch today because you were meeting up with the witches?"
Wait a minute.. Was that today? Mammon doesn't remember. He doesn't even remember when was the last time he had eaten something. "Don't worry, Beel. I ate something after that."
Beelzebub's facial expression only got even stranger. Probably because there was a frown on his face.
"Is something wrong, Mammon? You haven't been acting like yourself lately. And you never want to spend time with us anymore. Everytime we asked you to hang out with us, you'd avoid us."
"What kind of question are you asking me, Beel?" Mammon laughed.
"Well, you look skinnier than the last time I saw you. It's like you haven't been eating for weeks." Beelzebub stated, gently grabbing and lifting Mammon's thin wrist." As far as I know, I haven't seen you eat anything this week, not even during dinner."
"Please don't worry about me. Like I said, I did eat something today." And by that he meant by trying to eat but just to end up throwing all of it in the toilet. He was really hungry but just the thought of eating something had already make him feel sick.
Meanwhile, Beelzebub didn't look convinced at all. "You'd tell me if there's anything wrong right? If there's any problems with the witches, you'll tell me right?"
"I can handle the witches myself." Mammon said. He doesn't want his brothers to see him being weak. Especially, Lucifer. Mammon would never ask him for help no matter what. No matter how much trouble he's in because of the witches, he would never tell him. Lucifer already has five other younger brothers to deal with and with all the work Lord Diavolo had given him. Mammon doesn't want to add to that. He doesn't want to be more of a burden than he already is right now.
Mammon can handle his own problems, there's absolutely no need for his brothers to help him. It's not like they'll care if he's in trouble anyway. They'd straight up make fun of him and call him "a sorry excuse for a demon"
Beelzebub smiled, patting Mammon's back. "What did you even do today because I haven't seen you all day long."
Mammon grinned. "The witches was annoying and they took a lot of my time." But in reality he had went to stand at a bridge going over the rushing, rapid river. Simply pondering the thought, the urge,
The urge to kill himself--
"Mammon," Beel gave him a sad smile. "You're lying to me, aren't you?"
Mammon's eyes widened. Beel detected his lie!? How?? How did he know!??
"Why would I lie to you? There's no reason for me to lie."
"Really?" The younger's sad smile disappeared, replaced with a genuine concerned frown.
As far as Mammon knows, he was sure that he didn't do anything weird or suspicious!
"You're just overthinking things, Beel. I don't know what you're talking about."
Beelzebub turned his sight from Mammon. "I know when something's wrong with my brothers, Mammon."
The older hoped he didn't look nervous right now.
Mammon quickly stood up from his seat on the couch, hoping to escape the situation, but Beel had quickly grabbed his wrist before he could give out an excuse. Beelzebub was gripping his wrist so tight that Mammon could feel the fingernails digging into his skin.
"Mammon."
FUCK! This isn't good. This isn't good at all! Mammon can't let him found out about his secrets. He can't let anyone know.
He kept this secret for a reason! It's because he's such a shitty-ass demon and older brother that he has this as a punishment! He's not supposed to be helped, it's not even supposed to be known by anyone!
"Is something wrong?" Mammon tried to ask casually.
"I don't know how else to say this, Mammon. But you look awful. When was the last time you had slept? When was the last time you ate something?"
Mammon can't remember. He can't remember anything at all.
"I said I ate today." Mammon stated.
"You're lying to me!" Beelzebub shouted.
"I'm not!" Mammon claimed. "I'm telling you the fucking truth! Why would I lie to you about what I eat?!"
He's such a bad liar and Beelzebub knew that.
"Mammon," Beelzebub had a serious, worried look to match the tone of his voice. "Just please tell me what's wrong."
"Beelzebub, if there is something wrong, I'll tell you alright?" Bullshit. "I promise you." You're a terrible liar. "For now, let's just head over to Ristorante Six."
"You said you're not hungry, Mammon."
"I had a change of mind, Beel."
"You're just trying to get away from this, Mammon."
"I don't know what you're fucking talking about."
"Mammon please-"
DAMN IT
Mammon ripped himself out of Beel's grasp before running out from the house.
Running out of the house hasn't been one of his best ideas yet, that's for sure.
Now he definitely can't go back. Not without facing the others. He would rather die.
Maybe, he should just die right now.
Every step he took would make him feel dizzy because he hadn't eaten anything this past few weeks, And the sprint he did earlier? It sure didn't help the dizziness he's feeling right now. Why did he run though? Right. Beel almost found out about his secret.
After a few minutes of walking, he found himself moving towards a bridge. The same bridge he spent the entire day at. Why didn't he do this earlier? Would someone even save him? But why would someone save the scummiest demon of Devildom right? They would be happy to hear that the Avatar of Greed is dead.
The bridge was empty. All of the demons had probably returned to their home, a home with family members that love and care for them.
Maybe now he could put an end to all of this.
He no longer had a place to go back to. Everyone would find out that he's actually weak and useless if he went back now.
The one that should've died during the celestial war was him, not Lilith. He should've killed himself a long time ago, truthfully.
Why does he have to kill himself again?
Because he has no other choice left. This is the only possible thing for him to do. His brothers would be happy once he died, this is the only thing a sinful, scumbag, and a terrible demon like him should do.
He deserves this. He could finally stop being a burden to his family and his family would finally be perfect after he's dead--
"MAMMON!!!"
Mammon whipped his head around, seeing Lucifer, his older brother at the other end of the bridge. What the fuck? What is he doing here?? Lucifer was staring at him with wide, terrified eyes. Staring at Mammon standing on the edge of the bridge.
"Mammon, please!" Lucifer was slowly holding his arms out. "Please don't do this! Just come to me. please just come to me, please!"
Oh, the desperation in Lucifer's shaking voice was painful to hear. And the way he was holding his arms out for Mammon while still staring at him with terrified eyes. This was unexpected. Mammon never would've thought someone would go as far to search and try to stop him from commiting suicide especially by the one person that always reminds him about how much of an embarrassment he is to their family.
But there's no way Mammon can stop now. He had already made the decision to kill himself. He can't stop now. Mammon knows how painful it is for Lucifer to lose his siblings, but he needs to do this. He can't continue anymore.
Mammon whipped his head back to stare at the dark watery abyss down below him.
"NO! Mammon, please… please don't leave us!" Tears spilled down Lucifer's cheeks as he continued, "Mammon, I can't lose you too, please! I promise that I'll try to become a better brother for you, so please just come to me!" The stored tears continued to flow and the sobs wracked his body, robbing it of the ability to speak – barely allowing a breath to be drawn from him.
Mammon sighed and looked at Lucifer's face. "I don't have any other choice. Take good care of the others for me and don't be too harsh on them, yeah? thank you for everything."
Right before Lucifer had almost reached him, Mammon gave one last smile to him as he pushed himself off the bridge.