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Bakugou Katsuki knew that he wasn't the best at expressing his emotions — except for anger or annoyance, maybe. And he knew that it wasn't easy to get along with him, especially if you didn't know him very well. And he also had a dirty mouth, and the habit to just set explosions off at his very own will and…
… and yes, he has a lot to work on, but he is trying, okay?
It's not fucking easy to get rid of all of this shit — not like he could snap his fingers and just like magic every little flaw of his would disappear.
But he is already making progress, thank you very much.
Comparing his older self to his new, more tame and much more experienced self, the difference is a fucking lot. Katsuki had many regrets about his actions in the past, and he will carry this baggage with him for the rest of his life, but he is trying to make things better.
And if we're talking about regrets of the past, Midoriya Izuku has a section of his own in Katsuki's mind.
The nerd had everything to hate him, but somehow the green haired boy never left his side. After everything they've been through, Deku was still there with Kacchan.
Their relationship was never easy, even from the beginning.
They were childhood friends, for fuck's sake. Katsuki knew Izuku since they were little brats. Izuku had always been there, looking at Katsuki with stars in his eyes. But even so, the explosive boy turned him down over and over. In a different universe maybe the two could have grew up together, being best friends. But alas, in this universe neither of them were the best at communicating (especially when it is about each other), and so they spent almost a decade without having a proper conversation. You know, about feelings and all of this shit. It wasn't until that fight on Ground Beta that they could at least start to understand what the other was feeling.
Katsuki had bottled up so much sadness and guilt and hatred… Letting at least some of that go was good. That fight was cathartic to both of them, really, and after that they kind of were on better terms.
And when he knew it, having Izuku by his side was just something natural.
He would never admit it out loud, but Izuku could bring the best of him out. That stupid Deku was the one to make him go every day and try to be his best version, both as a person and as a hero.
And as frustrating as it was, Katsuki couldn't stay in denial. They were on their third and last year on U.A. and somehow Katsuki found himself crushing on that stupid broccoli boy.
Seriously, how could the world be so cruel? For years he kept Izuku at a distance, tried to make him go away but now everything he wanted was to grab that freckled face and kiss those stupidly pink lips and never let him go ever again. But how could he? Even after so much time, Katsuki had never actually apologised for everything, and he didn't know how to.
How pathetic.
Izuku deserved better than someone who couldn't even say a simple "I'm sorry".
But Katsuki was weak, and one single smile from Izuku was enough to make him imagine what if…
And so, he would keep trying to be his best version everyday, his best version for Izuku, so maybe one day Izuku could forgive him and maybe, just maybe, Katsuki would confess.
x
But Izuku was trying to make Katsuki's life a living hell. And maybe he deserved it.
Sometimes, Izuku would look at Katsuki with those big green eyes full of adoration, like Katsuki was the most important thing in the entire universe and Katsuki could feel his world turning upside down because holy shit stop looking at me like that, stupid!
Or then Katsuki and Izuku would train together and just having the nerd close like that was a real ordeal, but Izuku had no mercy and those muscles flexing and the sweat and just Izuku on short shorts could make Katsuki do crazy things, like that one time he almost gave up on everything and just kissed him right there and then on the middle of training, in front of the whole class.
But there were the small things too, like Izuku sleeping on Katsuki's bed after a long afternoon of studying, or the way his green eyes shine when he talks about hero stuff, or the way his hair is so fluffy or his freckles that get more visible when he stays to much in the sunlight...
Just… Izuku Midoriya.
All of those things together made their weekly study session so hard to endure. Since that one afternoon when Izuku asked (read, pleaded) for Katsuki's help with homework, they have fallen with this routine; every Thursday Izuku would go to Katsuki's room to study with him.
And if Bakugou Katsuki was someone else, he would probably already have dropped on his knees and declared his love for Izuku, but Katsuki is Katsuki, and their past existed so…
But hell, today was extra difficult.
Izuku was practically glowing with happiness.
Everytime he looked away from his books was to direct that radiant smile in Katsuki's direction. His eyes looked more green than never, like when the leafs start to grow again in the trees when it's spring. When Katsuki asked about what he was so happy about, the green haired bastard had the audacity to say that he was just happy to be with Kacchan again.
How could he say something like that and not expect that Katsuki's heart would burst from his chest because of how fast it was beating?
"That's stupid" it was the only response he got from Bakugou.
Izuku just smiled more, like he expected this (and how sad it is that Izuku was so used to Katsuki being mean that he actually expected it from him).
"It's just that I had been thinking these days…" the boy said, looking down to his scarred hands "...about us, you know?"
Oh no. Katsuki's mind went blank for a moment, and then it was chaos.
Thinking about us?! What kind of bullshit is this? He can't be thinking the same things Katsuki have been thinking, right? Like, no way.
"What?" Bakugou asks, much more aggressive than he intended to be, and Izuku flinches.
"Ah, you know! How far we've come! Who could think that the two of us could be in such good terms like this, actually having a conversation and being able to help each other and just not screaming and fighting…"
"Okay nerd, I got it! There's no need for you to start mumbling shit." Katsuki cuts him.
The other scratches his neck in a nervous manner.
"Ah, sorry Kacchan. It's just that it makes me so happy."
And there it was that damn smile again.
Katsuki didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve Izuku. How could he have such a kind soul right there beside him for almost his entire life when all he have been doing is kick and curse him? Izuku now had other friends, so why doesn't he just ignore Katsuki (like Katsuki did to him for so many years)?
Not that the blond wanted Izuku to do that. But if Izuku could be happier without Katsuki dragging him down, then so be it. It would hurt like hell, but Bakugou could not be so selfish about this. Why Izuku wanted to be close to him? Why didn't he gave up on their friendship a long time ago? He had all the reasons to. It just didn't make sense to Katsuki.
"Why do you keep coming back?" Katsuki asked suddenly, and Izuku looked at him startled.
"What do you mean?" Izuku asks insecure.
"Why do you keep coming back?" Bakugou asks again, looking away "Even after everything I said and did to you, why do you insist on this?"
When Katsuki looks at Izuku again, the boy looks almost like a kicked puppy, and his eyes are glittering with tears.
"Do you… do you not want me around?" Izuku asks, his voice cracking like he is heartbroken just for thinking about the possibility of Katsuki not wanting him around. Like that could ever be possible.
"No, that's not what I said, you stupid! Can't you interpret things correctly?" Katsuki asks irritated, and once again Izuku flinches.
Oh God, Bakugou was the fucking worst at expressing himself. Everything he said sounded like an insult, for fuck's sake. How did Izuku put up with him for so long?
"A-ah! S-Sorry Kacchan…"
"You don't have to apologize, goddammit." Katsuki murmurs pressing his temples with his fingers.
"Sorry. Uh, I mean…"
"Deku!"
Izuku falls silent, and his early happy mood was nowhere to be seen. Great! Bakugou Katsuki and his ability to make Izuku Midoriya sad where at it again. Why couldn't he just shut up?
"Uh, I think it's best if I go now. So I will just…" Izuku starts to gather his things, but Katsuki grabs his arm, stopping him.
"No, wait." Katsuki says and Izuku looks at him.
Katsuki was tired of hurting Izuku. If he wanted to make this work, to make them work, Izuku couldn't be the only one to make the efforts. He wanted to be friends with him, wanted to be closer to him, he just needed to figure things out.
"I'm sorry." Katsuki says, and Izuku is shocked for a moment.
Izuku blinks and then smiles. "You don't need to apologize, Kacchan. It was nothing, really."
Katsuki shakes his head.
"No, I should have said it sooner, but when I open my mouth everything that gets out it's just bullshit. Sometimes I just wish I had never said anything." the blond says, looking to the side, and it's when he sees the tape.
Izuku it's ready to speak when Katsuki takes the roll of tape and just cuts it, putting it right over his mouth.
"Uh, Kacchan? What are you doing?!" Izuku asks I'm mild panic, and maybe Katsuki it's finally losing what was left of his sanity, but he just denies with his head. The explosive blond takes his notebook and a pen and writes on a blank page.
He shows it to Izuku, who reads out loud, "If my mouth is shut with tape I can't say shit". The other boy looks at Katsuki confused, but there is a remnant of a smile too.
"Kacchan doesn't need to worry. I'm used to your abrasive manners, everyone is." Izuku says, and Katsuki starts to wirites again.
"This is no excuse. Can't treat you like that."
Izuku rolls his eyes, finding everything a bit funny.
"Why are doing this now? If it's just because of what you said earlier I already said that there's is no need to."
Katsuki huffs, or try to, as the tape gets in the way of doing so.
He writes, "What I said before. I really am sorry. Not just for today, but for everything. Since kids."
It's annoying to have to write what he wants to say, but it's also easier because like that he thinks before writing and he can express everything that he really wants to say to Deku without fucking everything up.
Izuku looks at him with wide eyes, in a loss of words. Katsuki turns to another page, while the green haired boy only watched him.
I'm sorry. So sorry. I let you down so many times but you never gave up on me. I don't deserve your friendship. I don't deserve you. I can't express how much I regret everything I did to you, and I would understand if you don't want to forgive me but the least I can do is ask for your forgiveness.
Izuku reads it all in silence, and Katsuki can't read the emotions in those emerald eyes. Izuku bows his head, and his green locks hide his eyes completely. There is a second, and then another, and only when Katsuki hears a hiccup it's when he realizes that Izuku is crying. He drops his notebook and pen on the ground so he can grab Izuku's hands.
Izuku finally looks up, his eyes flooding with tears.
"Ka-Kacchan… you don't…" He stops to take a breath, but the tears keep falling through his cheeks "H-How could you ever think t-that I wouldn't forgive you... when I have already forgiven you a long time a-ago?"
Katsuki is so surprised by that response that he can only stay there looking at Izuku with a dumb shocked face like that Pikachu meme that Kirishima insists to send to him. Izuku tighten his hold on Katsuki's hands, and it's like something breaks inside Bakugou. The wall that he had built around his heart is starting to crumble, and all it took was one simple phrase from Izuku.
"Don't dare say that you don't deserve my friendship. You have said some cruel things to me, yeah. But that was then, and you have already been making up for everything."
Bakugou shakes his head again. There was still a long way for Katsuki to make up for everything, but Izuku says that he had already forgiven him? Izuku should hate Katsuki. That would make sense, but as always, this Deku doesn't make any sense at all. Izuku huffs in light exasperation like he knows exactly what the blonde is thinking.
"You're so stubborn, Kacchan." Izuku says, half crying half laughing. He let's go of their intertwined fingers to wipe the tears off his eyes. "I could never hold any hatred towards you, not when I see that you are trying to be better. Everyone deserves a second chance, you specially."
Izuku looks at Katsuki with soft eyes, and even when he is in this state of a crying mess he looks beautiful. The explosive blonde feels overwhelmed.
The thing about Katsuki Bakugou it's that he acts like he doesn't fucking care, like his feelings aren't even there. He doesn't want them, at all. It's easier. It's so easy to look at Izuku and just accept that is best for him to just let it go. There was no way that the nerd would want him, not the way Katsuki wants him. That was set in his mind. Everytime the thought crosses his mind he feels like the walls are closing up on him, and his heart aches like ten thousand knives are ripping it off his chest, but that's what he gets for being so damn cruel to Izuku. Why would Izuku ever think about him like that?
But when the green haired boy looks at him like that, it's hard not to imagine that maybe Katsuki it's wrong and that there is hope for him. For them.
As clichê as it may sound, when Izuku is looking at Katsuki, the rest of the world seems to disappear and it's just the two of them. There is so much love in those green eyes.
Sometimes Katsuki thinks that Izuku knows. Knows what Katsuki is hiding beneath all the layers of hate, aggressivity and everything else. While Katsuki gave him a million ways to forget and regret, Izuku always gave a million ways to stay and try. Bakugou almost ruined everything, the words would get out of his mouth so easily. And it would be much more easier for Izuku to let go and just forget him, but he stayed, and when Katsuki thinks about it, he can't see himself falling in love with anybody else.
Katsuki picks up the pen from the ground to write something on his arm. He doesn't fucking cares anymore. He spent so many nights without sleeping just thinking about it. The anxiety was eating him from the inside, and every time Izuku met his eyes it only got worse. He couldn't deny it anymore. If he wanted to make this work he should start being sincere, and what a better moment than this?
I have feelings for you. He wrote on his forearm and extended it to Izuku.
The boy took his arm with delicacy, like Katsuki was some kind of porcelain doll who would break at the least movement. And he was ready to be broken, if it was by the hands of Izuku Midoriya. He was ready for the blow, ready for the rejection.
Izuku didn't say anything, but the tears started to roll down his face again. His hands went to his mouth, and he closed his eyes. Katsuki was grateful the tape was still over his mouth, so like that he didn't have to say anything. He didn't know what to say.
When Izuku finally moves it's only to take the pen from Katsuki's hands and start writing something right under what the blonde had wrote before. Izuku's gentle touch on his skin was feather like, but Katsuki was too preoccupied with what the other was writing to gave it much thought at the moment.
I also have feelings for you.
And holy shit Katsuki almost started crying, which Izuku must have noticed because he cups Katsuki face and wipes at the corners of his red eyes. Izuku himself still had some tears in his eyes, but there was a soft smile on his face.
"Now that the tape has fulfilled it's mission, can I take it off?" Izuku asks, and Katsuki only agrees with a nod, too mesmerized with Izuku to do anything else.
Izuku laughs softly and carefully takes the tape with to not hurt Bakugou.
"Now that it's out of the way I can do something that have been wanting to do for a long time…" says Izuku.
He was still holding Bakugou's face, so he just starts to lean forward, closing his eyes. Katsuki only understands what's going on when he feels those lips touch his.
The kiss is better than anything that Katsuki had imagined (and he had been imagining this moment for so long). His hands move to hold Izuku, to pull him closer, close, close, close… He almost feels like he is going to burst, or maybe just his heart. Izuku smells so good, his lips are so soft, his skin, his hair. He is perfect.
When Izuku pulls away to breath he is smiling —Katsuki also needed to breath, but he was tempted to lose all air of his lungs if it meant he could stay close with Izuku. But just the look Izuku has on his face it's already another treasure. His smile is so pretty. It reaches his eyes and makes them shine like the brightest star in the whole universe, and his cheeks are so flushed which only highlights the tiny tiny freckles scattered across his cute face. He looks happy. So fucking happy, like Katsuki wasn't the only one who dreamed about this moment and now that it finally happened it feels like a dream come true.
"You're beautiful." Katsuki says softly, and Izuku turns another shade of red.
"Don't say things like that, Kacchan!" the nerd says hiding his face behind his crossed arms.
"I'm just stating facts, Deku." Katsuki laughs.
The boy in question tries to angrily look at the blonde, but the smile on his face disrupts his facade.
"Well, if it is like that, then you're also beautiful!"
Katsuki only laughs more. "That was sooo lame, nerd. It already shows that I'm better than you when it comes to compliments."
Deku huffs in a offended manner, but ends up laughing too.
"Well! I will show you who is the best, just… just you wait!"
Katsuki smiles.
"Are you saying that you want… this?" he gestures between the two. Even after everything, Katsuki was still insecure. Well, can you blame him? He had been overthinking for so long.
"Of course I want!" Deku exclaims, and then in a lower tone "... don't you?"
Katsuki it's almost outraged.
"Of fucking course I want it, Deku! I want you."
Izuku could have died just from hearing those three words (imagine what will happen when he hears the other three words) but he gather enough courage to pronounce what he is about to say without dying of embarrassment.
"Then I'm yours."
Katsuki can feel that the green haired boy is about to explode, so he just kisses him again. As if after that he could do anything other than that.
Izuku Midoriya was going to be the death of him, but Katsuki was fine with that.
… and yes, he has a lot to work on, but with Deku by his side, he knew he would be just fine.