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What is love? This is not a title of EXO's or Twice’s song but New Thitipoom is seriously asking. He never understood what love is. Not the kind of love your family and friends give you, but the love which makes you feel butterflies in your stomach (says Gun), makes your hand sweat, makes your heart pound hard against your chest—the kind of love you will find on someone whom you will spend your eternity with. True he sees it in his parents, he sees it in the animes, dramas, movies that he watched or in the romance books that he had read—but New never experienced it.
At the age of 27, New never had a lover. Yes, you read that right. NEVER. “I am sorry”, “I am not interested”, “I need to focus on my studies”—those were just a few of his reasons when people confessed to him while he was still studying. Not that he is bragging but he dumped a lot of people already until it was well-known that New Thitipoom is cold-hearted, a heartbreaker and no one can ever make him say yes.
“New,” A mug of hot chocolate is placed on his table and New looks back to see Tay grinning from ear to ear.
“Hey, Tay.” He smiles, “Thank you for this. You need a ride later?”
“You always know what I’m thinking, B1.” Tay laughed, taking a seat beside New who is busy with his computer.
“It’s raining, Off and Arm are out of town, you don’t know how to drive, you gave me hot chocolate—I’m just connecting the dots, B2.” New grinned, taking a sip of the hot chocolate Tay made. It’s always perfect—Tay’s chocolate.
“I still don’t know why they were calling you cold-hearted when you’re actually pretty warm.” Tay comments and New shrugged at that. Though being labeled as cold-hearted made his school life and previous work life peaceful.
The door chimes and New watches Tay stand up leave for the counter. Be back later , Tay mouthed.
“Good afternoon, welcome to OAT.”
2 years ago
New finally resigned from his hell-hole of a workplace. His boss is evil and his salary is not enough for the amount of work being given to him. The stress was so much that he lost a lot of weight. Gun got worried, his family got worried so they convinced him to just leave and find a new job.
One hot summer day, New stopped by at a café after doing company-hopping, submitting his applications here and there. He was sipping in his Frappuccino when he saw a notice on the counter that the café is looking for an accountant. Graduating in Business Administration majoring in Management Accounting, New tries his luck and submitted his one, last resume.
“You’re hired.”
He was accepted right away. They badly needed that accountant, he thinks.
That was the first time he met Tay Tawan.
New learned the first day he worked as OAT’s accountant was, OAT stands for Off, Arm, and Tay. They pretty much thought about their café’s name seriously. He also learned OAT is not just a café—it’s an architectural firm since the three owners were actually architecture graduates. Building a firm was really their dream. It was Tay’s suggestion to make the first floor a café, and the second floor to be their office.
Off and Arm do most of the work in their firm while Tay manages the café. Not only that Off, Tay, and Arm are breathtakingly gorgeous (according to Gun), the café’s interior design is warm and cozy, and they are also booked and busy with their architectural projects.
It was a big hit.
Present Day
Finally done with his work for that day, New checks his watch and sees it’s already 6 in the evening and Tay hasn’t come back to the office yet. After all, the café is busy every time it rains with customers buying hot drinks to keep them warm—though sometimes they love to buy cold drinks too. Did you know that ice cream tastes better when it’s raining?
New stood up from his seat to take a peek at the café and as he guessed, they were all busy. During this kind of time, it is Tay who’s manning up the bar together with Pluem, a university student who’s been working part-time since the café started. Smiling, New dialed up for a delivery. They deserve a good dinner tonight.
“Oh, so you’re here.” New looked up to see Tay leaning on the kitchen door.
“And you look tired,” he replied, focusing back on icing the oreo cheesecake he made. Yes, he also does the baking of cookies or cakes but only when their patisserie is not available on that day.
“I went to the office and you’re not there. I thought you ditched me.” New can hear Tay pouting and it made him chuckle.
“I won’t ditch you. You might fire me if I will.”
Silence engulfed them and he can definitely feel Tay’s eyes boring on him but it’s not as awkward as you think. When he starts working, Tay talks to him every second, every minute and every hour of every day. That might sound too exaggerated but Tay really did talk to him a lot. He makes sure that New is not lonely in their office and that he’s comfortable. Off and Arm quickly befriended him too but somehow, Tay was different? Maybe it was because he mostly spends his time with Tay.
There was that time when Taay asked New to go to the café despite New's day off because he had somewhere to go to that day and no one’s gonna watch over their kids. (Yes, they call Pluem, Chimon, Nanon and Ohm, their part-timers, their kids. Tay announced it himself and their four kids just laughed. New can only facepalm.) Also that day, their patisserie called-in sick. New had no choice but to bake for the sake of their café.
Tay found him in the kitchen hours later and that’s when he added part-time baker in his job description. (Tay wouldn’t stop gushing how delicious his brownie was. No, it didn’t make him blush.)
For the past 2 years, Tay and New went on countless trips during their free time. Gun even complained how much he spent so much time with Tay rather than him, his best friend. But it’s not like Gun is spending time with him too. He’s too clinging to Off he bets Gun can still remember he has a best friend.
Tay and New also have their movie night every Saturday in either of their apartments, and also take turns in making dinner. Sleepovers are also their thing even on weekdays so their family in OAT is never surprised to see either of them wearing each other’s clothes to work.
“Why don’t you just move in together?” Arm asked both of them during one of their lunch meetings.
“And why would we do that? It’s not like we’re together.” New scoffed jokingly.
Gun sent him a pointed look (yes, Gun is there. Off’s boyfriend privilege), Off and Arm sighed, Tay went to the toilet.
“What?” New confusingly asked.
“You’ve always been so dumb, New. I don’t know why I’m friends with you.”
New couldn’t understand what Gun said.
That was a year ago.
“We’re best friends but we don’t hold hands.” Gun announced a sleepover one Saturday night, 2 months after that lunch talk they had and Gun wouldn’t take no as an answer so New had to cancel his plans with Tay. They are watching Flipped again countless times. New didn’t expect to be in a hot seat.
“And why would we?” New munches the popcorn. He knows where this is heading to. Ever since their lunch meeting, Tay started being kind of awkward with him. They rarely do sleepovers, lesser movie nights and cancelled trips. Tay still talks to him in the café but New can feel that Tay is holding something back. Pluem once asked him if they fought but New can’t remember that they did. It’s been 2 months already and New kinda felt lonely. He has no idea what he did wrong therefore he doesn’t know how to fix it.
“But you do that with Tay.”
New knows why but he didn’t say it. It is better this way, he thinks.
Weeks later, the wall between him and Tay vanished into thin air and everything fell back into place just like the old times. But New can feel something has changed.
Present Day
“I don’t want you to drive in this kind of weather alone.” Tay said as New drives him home after they dropped off their kids in their respective homes. The rain has been going non-stop and the wind is a bit strong. Driving in this weather is indeed a bit dangerous.
“Okay, I’ll stay over.”
When Tay closed the door to his apartment, the lightning strike making him shriek in surprise, cowering down on the floor and New fucking Thitipoom has the audacity to laugh at him. Tay glared at New who stifled his laugh, walking towards him. The lights went off just after that and thank you for the discovery of emergency lights.
“I’m sorry.” New said as he helped Tay stand up, intertwining their fingers together walking him to the couch. “You sound like a dying cat and it was funny.” It’s not that Tay is scared of lighting or the thunder. He just easily gets surprised.
New looked for the candles Tay had in his bedroom and lit it up before going back to the living room, settling the candle on the center table. Nobody talked when New sits down on the couch. It was so silent that you could hear the sound of their breathing and the sharp noise of the rain hitting the window. New has his head leaned on Tay’s shoulder while watching the dancing flame of the candle. He felt Tay’s head against his and he let out a breath. New thought of something.
“Are you sleepy?” He asked and Tay shook his head. “Then—“ New leaned back to look at Tay with a grin. “Would you like to dance with me?”
That was so random but Tay stood up and offered his hand to New with a bow.
Extra as always.
New opened his phone and played a song which made Tay grin from ear to ear. He took Tay’s hands with his before wrapping his arms around Tay’s neck. New stared at Tay’s eyes, smiling, even before the first line came. They played this song countless times knowing the lyrics by heart.
Are those your eyes, is that your smile?
I've been lookin' at you forever
But I never saw you before
“You really chose this song?” Tay asked, a soft smile painting his face while pulling New closer to him.
“I suddenly remembered that night.” New started, leaning his head on Tay’s shoulder, his breath fanning the older’s neck. Tay is sensitive when it comes to his neck, but New is an exemption. “Funny how it took me a year and 7 months to finally realize my feelings for you.”
Are these your hands holdin' mine?
Now I wonder how I could have been so blind
“And I didn’t expect for you to sing this song for me.” Tay teased and New mumbled a shut up.
When New realized that he does have feelings for Tay, it hit him hard like a train. Did he panic? Definitely a yes because dude, it’s his first time feeling those fluttering wings of butterflies in his stomach whenever he thinks about Tay. He thought he was just feeling nauseous whenever Tay did things that made him weak and he was even on the verge of going to the doctor to ask if he was sick.
For the first time I am looking in your eyes
For the first time I'm seein' who you are
Ever since that day, New sees the things Tay does to him in a different light; the way Tay calls his name lovingly, or whenever he laughs at New’s jokes. It is also endearing to see whenever Tay gets pissed off at New and sulks childishly. When Tay holds New’s hands, he can feel his heart pounding fast but he couldn’t pull them away or else Tay might think he doesn’t like it. The occasional hugs, the fleeting kisses on his cheek, hands or neck, the subtle flirting—he loves it a lot. No wonder Gun called him dumb. The feelings were already there but New was already content with what they had that he failed to accept.
I can't believe how much I see
When you're lookin' back at me
He’s pretty sure he had hurt Tay one way or another.
Now I understand what love is, love is
For the first time
New didn’t tell Gun about it. He wants to but he also doesn’t want this blooming feelings to be influenced by his friends’ teasing therefore, he kept it for months until Pluem confronted him when Tay was away. “Do you like, P’Tay?” He asked and Pluem was serious. He didn’t call Tay his dad and the blush on New’s face gave way and so he spilled the beans.
It was Pluem’s decision to surprise Tay on his birthday. The gang also have plans but they didn’t know about what New was going to do. New took a day off on Tay’s birthday saying he had to go somewhere important. Gun was mad, Tay was sad, Off and Arm are confused, even their kids begged New to be there on Tay’s birthday—but of course except Pluem.
The café closed down at 7pm in order to celebrate Tay’s birthday but it was not as fun as it should be because Tay is being sulky. They did try to cheer him up and he did smile from time to time but he feels empty not when New is there. Maybe it is time to stop running after him. Tay admits that he is at fault too for not confessing to New despite being forced by his friends to fucking do it already but Tay is a coward. He admits that. He’s scared that New doesn’t feel the same way and that he will ruin whatever they have right now. Tay will always say to their friends that he is already content with their relationship but deep inside, he wants more.
“Peng, you okay?” Off sat down beside him, leaving Gun dancing on the floor with the kids.
“Do you think I should just give up?” Tay sighed, looking at the glass of wine in front of him blankly.
“Do you want to?” Off asked, turning his body to face Tay. “You know Tay, I am barely here because of work but I know you and New have something special. It’s either you take a risk, or you will regret not doing so.”
Tay was about to reply when Arm turned off the music making the kids (and Gun) groan. “Okay everyone, take your seat for a while because this is rather important.” He said on the microphone. “Being a great friend for Tay, I invited a very special guest to be here today.” Arm announced rather enthusiastically.
Tay looked at Off and the latter replied with a shrug. I don’t know about it. They watched Arm as he looked at Pluem who gave him a thumbs-up.
The sound of piano filled the café and Tay doesn’t know why his heart is thumping in his chest. He heard this song once. New played it in the car while they were stuck in traffic days ago. When the first stanza started, a familiar voice resounded in the four walls of the café. Tay can’t be wrong. It is New’s voice.
The chorus hits and New emerges from the kitchen, holding a mic as he sings. Will Tay understand what he is trying to say? New hopes he does. He played this song for him days ago when Tay asked him what song he wanted to listen to and he gave him a hint. New is nervous as fuck. He is not confident in singing and English unlike Tay (but he can definitely compete with him when it comes to dancing). He might have pronounced some words wrong but he doesn’t care. All he wants is for Tay to feel what the song means to him.
Their eyes met.
Can this be real, can this be true?
Am I the person I was this morning
And are you the same you?
Tay wants to ask too. Is this real? Is it safe to assume that this song is actually New’s feelings for him?
It's all so strange how can it be
All along this love was right in front of me
New couldn’t remember when he walked towards Tay and pulled him up as he sang the song. He initially planned to just be a few feet away from Tay’s table but his feet brought him to where Tay was sitting. When New looked at Tay after he made him stand up, the latter was smiling. Did New ever say that Tay’s smile is like the sun? It’s so bright that it blinds him. New couldn’t help but smile back as he locked eyes with Tay.
Tay snorted and New knows the reason why. It’s a new side of him. New was never this cheesy after all. A shy punch and a laugh from Tay, Tay singing along with him—the song ended before New even realized.
Gun gagged in disgust. So much for a supportive friend.
--
The song has already ended but Tay and New are still in each other’s embrace. New moved his head to look at Tay who looked back at him.
“Hm?” Tay hummed, placing a long kiss on New’s forehead. New replied with a smile. Leaning back a bit, New gave space to Tay for the latter to put a trail of butterfly kisses down to his nose, his cheeks, the corner of his lips, and down to his neck which made New giggle.
Love, New didn’t know about that before. What is love? He sometimes asked himself. He sees it in his parents, he sees it in the animes, dramas, movies that he watched or in the romance books that he had read—but New never experienced it until Tay came into his life.
Being with Tay makes him happy. However, New learned that love is not always about glitters, rainbows, and butterflies. He and Tay sometimes fight to the point where they won’t talk for days and Pluem would always try to reconcile them (for the sake of the café, Pluem always says). But despite that, Tay would always leave New breakfast before he goes to work or New would leave cookies on his table whenever he bakes extra. Tay would feel New holding onto his shirt whenever they sleep and he would smile secretly until he gives up and turns around to pull his lover to his embrace. They would apologize and admit their mistakes and they would talk it out. No fight lasts more than two days. They make sure of that.
“Let’s live the present like it is our last. We will never know what the future holds. I know you’re scared. I am too. Whatever storm will come in the future; we will face it together. I love you New. I will keep your heart safe. So will you let me take care of it?”
As what the song said, for the first time…
New finally understood what love is.