Chapter Text
I didn’t regret going after Abby. I knew that if I left things the way that they were before, I would not have survived. I ruined everything that I created with Dina and yet I still couldn’t bring myself to completely regret my decision.
The walk from the farm house to Jackson was longer than I remembered, or maybe given the circumstances I was just walking slower. I didn’t grab anything and didn’t have a particular destination, I just didn’t know where else to go. Walking into town felt like a scene from an old movie. I could see where everything used to be: the place Jesse and I met up before going on patrol, the playground were Dina and I had a snowball fight just to prove a point, the place Joel and I sat and talked the night before he died where I should have said or done more to move into forgiving him.
I moved through town like a ghost. After the big gates opened no one stopped and said hi or asked where I was or what happened, they moved about as if it truly didn’t matter if I was here or not. I continued moving until I found myself only a block away from where Jesse’s family lived, as far as I knew anyways. I heard her laugh before I actually saw her. JJ crawled around in front if the building, giggling as Dina followed him on her hands and knees. I didn’t know what I was going to say…. I didn’t have a plan or an idea or even a clue as to whether or not she even wanted to see me ever again. Nonetheless, it did not stop my feet from moving towards her.
I got a few feet away before my heart began to race. I could feel my face turning red as she turned towards the sound of my footsteps, scanning by body before fixing her eyes on mine. Her mouth opened slightly as if she wanted to stay something, but it closed before anything escaped.
“Hi.” I said nervously as her chocolate brown eyes devoured my soul. “I just wanted to…” I stuttered ,my words falling short as she stood up and walked towards me. “To…. um. Hi.”
She looked me up and down and didn’t say a word… she just stared at me like I was an alien.
“Um… been a while I know but um…” before I could finish my horribly choppy sentence, JJ came crawling up to me. He sits down near my shoe and looks up at me with a smile from ear to ear, putting his hands up in the air like he recognized me. I looked at Dina, then back to JJ and to Dina again. “Can I… pick him up?” She nodded her head yes and so I thanked her with a smile before reaching down to pick up the boy I almost considered a son.
He babbled and smiled as he grabbed at my face and my hair. It was harder to hold him now then before, he was a bit bigger and I had a few less fingers to work with.
“What happened to your hand?” the first words Dina said to me. Of course I was hoping for something along the lines of ‘I missed you’ or ‘I love you’ but then again… I couldn’t ask for something like that given how I left. I shifted JJ into the crook of my right elbow and lifted my hand up so Dina could get a better look at it. The fingers were just nubs, taken off just above the second knuckle so they bent but in the most awkward way.
“It’s… complicated.” I replied with a small smile again. I could tell from the look on her face that she was angry with me though I could have sworn I saw a flicker of concern. It was small, but at least there was something. “You live here?” I gestured with my head towards the house.
“Yeah. Jesse’s parents they um… they help.”
“Good! Good… that's good.” You could cut the awkward tension with a knife. I turned my attention back towards JJ and watched as he smiled up at me. I put my hand up so he could see it. He didn’t look scared like I thought he would, instead he grabbed at the nubs with his fingers and giggled. “So I-” Before I was able to get up the nerve to say anything, a door opened up behind us.
“Dina? Everything okay?” I turned to see Jesse’s mom peeking her head out of the house. Her face reminded me of Jesse...they had the exact same nose. “Ellie? Ellie!” She ran out of the house and enveloped me in an awkward hug that had my arms pinned down to my sides. “Oh wow it’s been so long! How are you? Where did you go? What happened to your hand? Oh we missed you. Dina missed you.” The heat rose to my cheeks. Out of the corner of my eye I could see that the same went for Dina as well. She looked towards the ground to try and hide it but not before I saw. “Well don’t you two just stand there, come inside for a few? We can grab a beer and talk a bit?” I looked over to Dina, searching her face for something that showed she wanted me to come inside as much as Jesse’s mom did...but to no avail.
“No, it’s okay. Raincheck.” I took JJ in my hands and turned to hand him to Dina. “I need to find Maria, but thank you. Dina?” She looked at me with a blank face. I wished that she would say more because there was so much I wish I could say… but I refrained. “See you later?” She hesitated before slowly nodding her head yes. I smiled and waved awkwardly at Jesse’s mother before backing away.
I walked away without turning back. I couldn’t look at her face staring back at me with all of that...disdain. I wanted to make things right with her, prove that this was all over for real this time and that I can be there… but from the looks of that conversation I didn’t have much hope.
I walked back towards the center of town, towards a bar I know Maria loved to be at no matter what time of day. It wasn’t until I set foot inside that I finally got a bit of the welcome I was looking for. A few men from the patrols waved or raised a glass for me, one even came up and patted me on the shoulder as I walked by. Maria was sitting at the bar, facing away from me, so I slid the stool out that was next to her and took a seat.
“Glad to see you.” She said without looking at me. Was she mad at me like Tommy was? Had I disappointed her too? “Heard you went back for Abby again. Was that Tommy’s doing?” This time she looked at me. Her eyes were filled with fear but her face stayed neutral, raising her eyebrows and picking up a bottle to put to her lips as she waited patiently for my response. I took a big breath in before slowly nodding my head yes. “Fucking hell.” She rolled her eyes and took a bigger swig of her drink. “That bastard. Look I…” she paused. She set her drink down, turned towards me and put a hand on my forearm before continuing. “I’m sorry. I know I can’t speak for him, I never could. But for whatever it was that he said that brought you out of that beautiful little farmhouse? I’m sorry.”
“How’s he doing?” Seth shoved a bottle over towards me, nodding his head and I took it with a faint smile in thanks.
“He’s surviving. Angry at the world, angry at himself. Has been having a lot of nightmares recently.”
“Yeah I know what that's like. I did too. Still do every now and again.”
“We’re separated.” She said it so plainly, like it was just a fact. No emotions or anything else behind it, just a fact. “He’s actually living in Joel’s house. I… hope that’s alright with you?” She stared at me, looking for some sort of reaction in my face that I wasn’t sure was there. It took a moment before I was able to say anything. The thought of someone else living in that house that wasn’t Joel was… rough. We’re Joel’s things still there? Did someone get rid of it or was Tommy inside making coffee and sipping it out of Joel’s favorite owl mug? It felt wrong but… I knew that it was something that had to happen eventually.
“Oh, yeah that’s fine. I mean it wasn’t my house I just… used the garage.”
“Still. It feels wrong not to ask, knowing how close you two were.” I smiled and looked down inside the bottle, watching the yellowish liquid bubble up against the inside of the glass.
“Thanks…”
“You should talk to him.” She said after a few more awkward moments of silence, I looked in her direction but she was staring down just like I was a few moments ago. It was as if she did not want to face me after saying that. “I know that you left things in a bad way… but I bet he would be happy to hear from you… to hear what happened and why the hell you only have three fingers on the hand you’re trying to hide from me.” She ended with a little light hearted laughter that made me feel a bit better about the situation. I didn’t realize until now that I had my hand sitting down by my side, out of her view. It wasn’t as intentional as I bet she thought it was, but still impressive that she saw it anyways.
“Yeah. I should. Thanks Maria, don’t worry I’ll explain later.” I stood up and reached into my pocket to grab something to pay for the drink, but Seth put up a hand to stop me. I nodded in thanks as I turned to leave. “Oh… Maria?” she turned to look at me with raised eyebrows, giving me the look I’d imagine a mom would give when her kid was about to tell her the bad thing they did at school. “Can… I have my spot on the patrol back?”
“You sure you’re ready for that?”
“Yeah.” I nodded slowly as I brought my hands together so I could pop my knuckles. I tried to go for the knuckle on my left ring finger but then realized it wasn't there anymore. Still something I would have to get used to I guess. “I want to help out again.” Maria nodded and smiled, giving me a small wink before I turned and walked out of the bar.
Walking toward Joel’s house filled me with a sense of dread. I started to get flashbacks of the two of us together, good times this time instead of the bad ones. Learning to play the guitar, pushing me into a river while teaching me to swim or even just him looking over my shoulder and commenting on the drawings that filled the pages of my journals. The closer I got the more I missed him… but everything was so different now. The snow had melted away and the grass in his front yard was starting to grow. As I got closer I looked over at the graveyard that was across the street only to see that someone had put a new set of flowers on his gravestone. I couldn’t help but smile and think about the comments that he would have made about decorating the headstones. I can almost hear him in my head and see him looking down at me saying ‘Man, what a sap. I guess someone likes me or something.’ followed by one of his big awkward smiles.
I walked up the steps and stared at the big front door, took a deep breath in and firmly knocked. I waited there a while, so long that I thought Tommy saw that it was me and refused to answer. I began to turn around when I heard the door creek open. I turned and saw half of his face peering out of the opening. His hair was completely grey and his beard had grown so much that it hovered just above his collarbone. His hair was matted and the bags under his eye were so dark that it was obvious he hadn’t slept in weeks. Neither one of us said anything at first, we just stood there and stared at each other. Finally Tommy stepped back and opened the door all the way before limping back into the house, leaving it wide for me to follow.
I walked inside and gazed at the familiar staircase. The last time I was in this house was with Dina before we left to find Abby the first time, so not only did it leave me with sorrowful memories of Joel...but of Dina as well. I turned to the right and followed slowly behind him as he made his way into the living room. He moved around piles of dirty dishes and clusters of beer cans before sitting on the couch next to a scrunched up wool blanket and a single pillow.
“Sorry about the mess I… it felt wrong to sleep in his bed.” he said as he looked around at his unusual set up. “What brings you in.”
“Maria said I should come and see you.” I responded quickly. It felt wrong to have this awkwardness in the air. We used to be so close and I could think back on the times that we spent laughing or joking together. Now all the joy that used to be in his smile...was gone.
“So I-” we both said at the same time, both letting out a little laugh at the end. I nodded my head towards him so he could continue before me. “So I… wanted to apologize for the way that I left things. I was… angry. I still am angry. That being said… I shouldn’t have called you a joke because you’re not. I know how much it took out of all of us to do that in the first place and the toll it took on us… but Abby was and is still in my head. She’s the reason that I am missing an eye and that my leg is fucked up. She is the reason Joel and Jesse are gone, the reason that JJ doesn’t have a father and I no longer have a brother. I want her gone… but I’m not willing to lose anyone else to make that happen. I’ve made my peace with it and, now that you’re back, I hope you have too.” He said this piece while staring down at the ground, only looking up at me once he finished. I shared with him for a moment, taking in his words and processing them, making sure that he was serious with what he said and there wasn’t some sort of punch line that I should be waiting for. After a few moments, I took a deep breath and replied.
“I have. When I went after her I was filled with the same rage you were. I wasn’t eating or sleeping and it got in the way of the family that I had created. But when I actually faced her… and got the opportunity to kill her…” I paused and watched Tommy’s face change with my words. He scooted forward in his seat, putting his elbows on his knees and stared at me as best as he could with the one eye as he waited for me to continue. “...but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I had her pinned down, she couldn't get out, my hands were around her throat but… all I could think about in that moment was Joel. The only thing I could bring myself to think of was Joel and our last moments together. How I couldn’t bring myself to completely forgive him for what he did, and that I wanted to try...but I never and will never get that chance...because of what he did to me and what he did to Abby. I just… wanted this cycle of revenge to end. If I killed her there who knows who would have come after me. Then they could come and kill me and Dina or you or Maria would feel compelled to go after them and it would just… it wouldn't end. So I ended it. Not by ending her life but by just… ending the cycle.” Tommy looked at me. He looked confused as he slowly moved to lean back on the couch. He fiddled with his fingers, twirling his thumbs together for what felt like forever before he stood up and looked at me.
“Okay.” I was shocked. That was it? Just okay? He walked into the kitchen and began rummaging through the cabinets. “Want some coffee?” Still stunned by his reaction, I stood and followed him once again. He handed me the familiar owl mug and I smiled as I held it in my hands as the warmth from the coffee spread through my entire body. We stood there for a while and talked about little things. He didn’t ask for more details about what happened with Abby and maybe that was for the best. We talked about the house and what he wanted to do with it, him and Maria, and what I was going to do now that I was back.
“I don't know… I hadn’t really thought about it much.”
“Well… Everything here is the same so… you’re garage hasn’t been touched. It’s yours if you still want it.” I could see some of the light returning to his eyes as he spoke. He took a sip from his cup, tilting it all the way back so he could get the last drop before setting it down in the sink and looking out the window. “Besides, I could use the company.”
“Yeah. Sure. Thanks.” I knew it would be weird being here without Joel but… it was a roof and a place to start again even if it felt like I was back as square one. “It was nice what you did by the way, with the grave?” Tommy looked at me, his eyebrow raised in question.
“Grave? What do you mean?”
“The flowers? On Joel’s grave. It’s nice.” His face was the epitome of ‘what the fuck’. He shook his head and turned his attention back to the sink so he could wash out his cup.
“I haven’t set foot in that graveyard since we buried him. But hey, grab me those plates will ya? It’s about time I clean up this mess”
I did as I was asked and walked into the living room and began to pick up the plates and utensils that were scattered everywhere. Who else could have gone in there and put flowers in there? I couldn’t think of anyone else that would do something sappy like that, or even think about doing something like that...until it hit me.
Dina.