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Jiang Sect
1
“So, we’re on a boat,” Nie Huaisang said.
“Yes,” Jiang Cheng said. “A boat ride is a traditional part of the engagement process for the Jiang sect.”
“I get that,” Nie Huaisang said. “Do we need to do anything on the boat?”
Jiang Cheng scowled at him. It was his ‘confusion’ scowl, though, so Nie Huaisang didn’t take it personally. “What do you mean?”
“You know,” Nie Huaisang said. “Do we need to – do anything? Anything in specific? Anything at all?”
Jiang Cheng was still scowling.
“Perhaps assume a particular position –”
“Nie Huaisang!”
2
“As part of my courtship of you –”
“You’re courting me, now?” Nie Huaisang asked, smiling behind his fan. “Really? And here I was, thinking I was doing all the work.”
“Will you shut up and let me finish this.”
Nie Huaisang waved a hand permissively.
“As part of – as part of the courtship process – I present to you a lotus flower, which I have grown myself. It is a symbol that I have considered our relationship at length, tending to it over time, letting it bud and grow as a natural –”
“It’s dead.”
“I know it’s dead. That’s not the point.”
“Our relationship metaphor is dead and that’s not the point?”
“It’s not a metaphor for our relationship.”
“What was that about budding and growing and –”
“Shut up. The words are traditional. I stick a seed in the ground, wait the appropriate number of days, and give it to you – I did all that.”
Nie Huaisang poked the plant with his fan. “Did you water it?”
“It lives in a pond.”
“Jiang Cheng. Did you water it?”
“Listen, I’ve been busy –”
3
“A grand gesture,” Nie Huaisang said. “I think I’m scared.”
Jiang Cheng, by now somewhat inured to him, rolled his eyes.
“No, really,” Nie Huaisang persisted. “I’m scared. Terrified. Deeply worried. From the way you’ve described it, you have to make a grand gesture of your affection to, what, show off your spontaneous, adventurous spirit?”
“Basically.”
“You don’t have one. No, don’t give me that look, you don’t. You’re excellent in many ways, I wouldn’t be agreeing to marry you if I didn’t think so, but spontaneity gives you anxiety and anxiety gives you hives and makes you hit things. This seems like a bad idea.”
“It’s fine,” Jiang Cheng said. “I told Wei Wuxian to come up with something.”
“Jiang Cheng,” Nie Huaisang said. “You needed to come up with a great, big, explosive, stupid way to demonstrate affection…and you asked Wei Wuxian?”
“…I’ve made a terrible mistake.”
Nie Sect
1
“Now that we’ve gone on a hunt together –”
“Did that count?” Jiang Cheng asked. “I’m pretty sure we mostly just went walking through a forest. And then we went to a town to eat at a restaurant.”
“Now that we’ve obtained sustenance together –”
“You mean buying skewers from the street stall earlier? Or putting in our order at this restaurant?”
“Jiang Cheng.”
“What?”
“I’m trying to fulfil the rules of my sect here.”
Jiang Cheng crossed his arms and smothered a smirk. “Really? I’m pretty sure the rule said something about you needing to prepare food for me from something you personally tracked down.”
“So what? I tracked down a perfectly nice restaurant.”
“You didn’t prepare the food.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. It’s hot pot. I’m doing plenty of preparation.”
“Your sect are butchers,” Jiang Cheng said smugly. This was totally making up for the fiasco Wei Wuxian had put together. “I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to catch something and chop it up for me.”
Nie Huaisang glared at him. “Fine. You want me to personally kill something for you?”
His hand shot out, fan snapping down on the surface of the table.
“You’re welcome.”
Jiang Cheng looked down.
“Somehow,” he said, his voice strangled as he tried to figure out if he was angry or about to start laughing. “I don’t think flies are what your ancestors had in mind.”
2
“I don’t think this is necessary,” Jiang Cheng said.
“Of course it is,” Nie Huaisang said. “It’s in the rules.”
“Yes, but. You know. Under the circumstances, maybe we could – skip it?”
“We didn’t skip any of the other steps,” Nie Huaisang pointed out. “This’ll be fine.”
“Nie Huaisang.”
“What?”
“You know I respect you very much and consider you to be very fearsome, especially after what happened with Jin Guangyao. So I don’t want you to take offense or think I’m putting you down in any way. But…”
“But what?”
“You don’t have any martial abilities with the saber to show off.”
Nie Huaisang lifted his saber and immediately staggered a few steps from the unfamiliar weight. “No,” he said. “I don’t. But the rule is ‘display your martial abilities’, not ‘display good martial abilities’. You just have to watch me go through a few routines.”
“You’re going to cut off your own feet,” Jiang Cheng gloomily predicted. “Do I have to watch?”
“Yes. It’s mandatory. Don’t worry, it may have been ten years, but I still remember the basics.”
“Do you?”
“Of course! Sharp part goes in the other person.”
Jiang Cheng covered his eyes and whimpered.
3
“Why did that happen,” Jiang Cheng said. It wasn’t a question. “Why. Why did I have to endure that.”
“Nie sect tradition,” Nie Huaisang said apologetically. “Sorry.”
“Did they think we – that we didn’t know – we’re both fully grown adults.”
“My sect is known for having people who lose control of their tempers very easily,” Nie Huaisang said. “It’s traditional to teach incoming brides – yes, I know, we never agreed who was marrying in, but put that aside for the time being – to teach prospective new spouses about how to handle that.”
“In bed.”
“Yes. In bed. Outside of bed, the recommended approach is ‘flee if they’ve got a sword’ or ‘kick really hard until they stop moving’.”
“Don’t make me laugh, I’m still processing the horror that I was just subjected to. There were pictures, Huaisang. Charts. Why were there charts?”
“Some of those pictures were pretty nice, actually,” Nie Huaisang mused. “I should get copies to add to my lending library.”
“I feel like using traditional secret Nie sect bride teachings in your porn distribution network is wrong.”
“You make it sound so tawdry. It wasn’t even anything that extreme! Just a few helpful tips with rope. And chains. And various other objects –”
“We’re never talking about this ever again.”
“The worst part is, I’m pretty sure the ancestor that instituted this rule was making a joke,” Nie Huaisang said. “And his heir continued it entirely out of spite, with every subsequent sect leader adding their own additional ridiculousness in order to make the next generation suffer as they were forced to suffer. That’s why there’s quite so much, uh…”
“Innovation?”
“Good word.”
“Well, it was that or ‘horrifying perversities’, and the latter seemed a little judgmental.”
Extra: Meishan Yu
“No. Nope. No way. This has gone too far!”
“What are you whining about?” Jiang Cheng asked, hands across his chest and scowl on his face. “It’s just another stupid ritual. We’ve done a dozen or more by now. What’s the matter with this one?”
“I can accept greeting the dawn as it breaks over the mountains,” Nie Huaisang said through gritted teeth. “Uncomfortable as that might be. I can even accept having to spend the night before in your mother’s clan’s miserable little love nest –”
“It’s a perfectly nice structure. The fact that it’s built into a cave doesn’t make it miserable, and it’s not a love nest.”
“It’s where newlyweds spend a night together; it’s a love nest.”
“Fine. What’s the problem, then?”
“The problem? The problem?! The problem is that nowhere in that description –” Nie Huaisang jabbed at Jiang Cheng with his fan; Jiang Cheng dodged. That fan could be pretty pointy. “Nowhere in that description does it say anything, anything at all, about having to deal with a giant nest of spiders!”
“It’s not that many spiders, only a few dozen –”
“No!”
“You only have to leave them a little bit of food –”
“I am not feeding any spiders anything!”
“It’s good luck!”
“The answer is still no!”