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MARCH, 1986
Father Paul finds Jeong-won curled up pitifully on a pew in the corner of the main cathedral after a long search.
He had been in a scuffle with an older boy about something his seminarian had managed to be completely unclear about. Father Paul, Brother Peter, and Sister Catherine (who had only come in as a replacement for Sunday catechism, bless her heart) then decided that splitting up the search was the best way to find Jeong-won, whom Father Paul knew to be very good at hiding. After all, the boy thought of the church as his second home.
Jeong-won looks up balefully at Father Paul, face streaked with tears, before burying his face into his knees again. The elderly priest pats him on the head gently and settles next to him, hands crossed on his lap. The silence is comforting to Father Paul. He’s used to the quiet passing of time, streaked with colour by the lovely stained glass windows in the cathedral. He looks down at Jeong-won, still hiccupping indistinctly, and sighs.
“Are you alright, Andrea?” Father Paul asks, and Jeong-won shakes his head, sniffling loudly. “Do you mind telling me what happened?” He encourages the boy, who lifts his head for a moment before sobbing again.
“Father, I’m s-so angry with F-Francisco. How could he p-pull on the b-bird’s wings like that? W-why did he have to h-hurt it?”
Father Paul pauses for a moment. Andrea is the gentlest of the kindergarten kids, possessing a heart so tender he’d always look out for ants in his path before taking a step forward. Jeong-won’s eldest brother, a seminarian in preparation, often laughed to Father Paul about how over-the-top he would get at home about not hurting the various summer bugs that would find their way into the house. But there is nothing wrong in being kind, Father Paul thinks.
“Francisco was wrong, Andrea,” he tells the young boy gently, “but I think you could have tried to tell him that in another way.”
Jeong-won blinks at him, tears still rolling down his cheeks. “I d-don’t like it when people get hurt. A-animals too.”
Father Paul smiles. “Andrea… there will always be people out there who will hurt others. What we can do,” he watches as the boy listens, now intently, “is give our help to those who have been hurt.”
“How?” Jeong-won asks, swinging his legs back down to the ground. “How can I help them?”
“Well…” Father Paul says as the young boy holds his breath, cheeks still stained with tears. He laughs at the adorable sight and helps him up from the pew. “Let’s go look for your mother, shall we?”
“Father!” Jeong-won protests but follows the priest anyway. “Please tell me how I can help them, please?”
Father Paul leads them both to the entrance of the cathedral, where he sees Jeong-won’s mother pacing anxiously at the gate to the church a few meters away. Jeong-won’s elder brother is there as well, fidgeting in his almost-brand new seminarian outfit. Father Paul looks down at Jeong-won, bright-eyed and still waiting for his answer.
“Andrea,” he kneels down and puts a hand on the boy’s head, “that’s for you to find out. When you’ve found your answer, come back and tell Father Paul all about it, alright?”
MARCH, 1992
Jeong-won is never one to procrastinate. He’s finished every single piece of the holiday work assigned to them by his fifth grade form teacher (who, he thanked God very gratefully, was going to follow them up to the sixth), but this particular piece is proving to be very difficult.
“Jeong-won!” He hears his mother calling to him from the dining room downstairs. “Do you want to have your lunch now?”
Great idea, he thinks to himself as he bundles everything into a pile and rushes down. The living room is woefully empty except for Mum, who’s fussing at a fresh pot of stew on the dining table. The door to the study is ajar and Jeong-won doesn’t see anyone in there. Dad must be at work. He places his pile of books and stationery neatly on his eldest brother’s seat before helping to dole out bowls of stew.
“How many bowls do we need, Mum?” Jeong-won asks and watches as his mother looks up to the ceiling in what suspiciously seems to be a roll of her eyes.
“No one’s home except for the both of us, so just two. I’ll freeze the rest.” She says and motions for him to sit down. Jeong-won positions the two bowls nicely in front of their respective seats and waits until his mother is back before digging in. He’s halfway through his bowl when he looks up and sees her looking out of the window, a distant expression on her face.
“Mum?” He calls out to her and she blinks rapidly before looking back at him. “Are you okay?”
“Eat up. I’m fine,” she says quietly, pushing the plate of kimchi towards him. “I hope your siblings are doing alright.”
Jeong-won picks out the longest slice of kimchi he can find. His fourth sister had recently joined the convent where his second sister had gone a few years back. Now all of his siblings are in the service of God, though he has no idea why his mother looks so sad. When his third brother had come forward to say he’d like to enter the seminary as well, his mother had been his biggest supporter.
“Mum, I need your help.” Jeong-won says after he’s polished off his bowl of rice. “I need to write this journal entry but I’m not sure how…”
His mother reads the question aloud after he passes the journal to her: “What do I want to be when I grow up? Well, Jeong-won, have you thought about it?”
He hesitates for a short moment. “I want to be… a priest.”
Something flits across his mother’s face but Jeong-won can’t quite tell what it is.
“I also want to be a doctor.” He adds on, almost hastily. “Mum, I can’t decide what to write for the journal.”
His mother bows her head towards the mahogany table, like she is deep in thought. The silence is not like the one he is used to in church, when he prays alone and finds utter peace and solace in the comfort of God. It’s something he looks forward to, serving Him like the rest of his siblings have done.
His mother then gives a loud sniffle and looks up, a glint to her eyes.
“If you’re not sure, why not write down both ambitions?” She says, smiling at him. Jeong-won blinks.
“You can be a doctor, then a priest, if you wish.”
MARCH, 1999
Somehow, Jeong-won finds himself next to Yang Seok-hyung again, the kid he sat next to for most of his elementary and middle school years. Their mothers are good friends, but in one way or another they’ve never really hung out that much after middle school. Jeong-won chalks it up to intensive studying for the CSAT (and, if he may, Seok-hyung’s utter dislike of leaving the house if he could ever help it). They have a quick conversation about how high school was, slipping back into familiarity almost instantly while standing in line for their freshman registration.
“I thought you wanted to be a priest, though.” Seok-hyung says, scratching at the sticker of the folder with their university’s logo emblazoned on it. Everyone had been given one and Jeong-won’s is currently sitting in his backpack, stickers untouched. “Remember how everyone in fifth grade was so impressed?”
Jeong-won pushes his glasses up his nose. “I also said I wanted to be a doctor.”
“Whatever it is,” Seok-hyung smiles a little, “we’re here.”
Jeong-won looks up at the sign above them—SCHOOL OF MEDICINE—and grins. In all actuality, he had wanted to apply to the seminary once the CSAT was over, but by some stroke of fate, his application had, in the words of his eldest brother, “gotten lost”. So he went for the pre-med interview first, still hoping that his application would somehow turn up, but it never did. Pretty sure hyung is still looking for it, Jeong-won thinks to himself.
It’s finally their turn and they get issued forms by student volunteers who welcome them excitedly. Seok-hyung finds them a spot to fill in their particulars and Jeong-won goes over everything meticulously. The only thing left to do when he nears the end of the form is to sign his name and date the document. Seok-hyung is already done, looking around for someone to hand his form over to, but Jeong-won’s hand hovers over the signature box.
Is his dream of priesthood really over? His eldest brother’s words ring in his ears: “You can always be a priest after you help others by being a doctor first.”
“ ‘cuse me.” His thoughts are interrupted by a voice he doesn’t recognise and Jeong-won looks around to find a bespectacled, lanky guy frowning a little too hard at him. “Ya gotta pen? Ours ran outta ink, yeah?”
“Oh,” He looks back and forth at Lanky Spectacles for a moment before handing over his pen. “Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy,” Lanky Spectacles replies with a grin and signs his form with a flourish before giving the pen back. Jeong-won can’t really place the accent but thinks the guy is probably from the south. Lanky Spectacles motions in some sort of thanks and walks back quickly to where his friend (with a suspiciously long strand of hair in the front) is waiting for him. Must be cool to be this cool, Jeong-won thinks, just a tiny bit envious.
He gives his own form consideration for a second more, before clutching the pen a little tighter and signing on it carefully.
AHN JEONG-WON
MARCH, 2006
“If you can’t learn how to draw a line between your patients and yourself, I don’t think you should be a surgeon.”
Jeong-won flinches as his professor slams the door behind him. It hasn’t been a good day for him, he thinks, before the thought of poor Jin-hee, the seven-year-old who had passed away a couple of hours ago, floats up and he tears again. Professor Kang had been adamant that he keep a distance from the very beginning, but Jeong-won hadn’t listened.
It wasn’t like he didn’t want to, he thinks to himself. How could he treat Jin-hee if he didn’t know how she was like, how she reacted to injections, how she talked to the doctors, how she wanted to be a ballet dancer when she grew up even though she had a weak heart, how—
Jeong-won is still in tears when Jun-wan sticks his head into the GS residents’ room. Lanky Spectacles is now Seoul Guy, and Jeong-won still can’t help but marvel at Jun-wan, Ik-jun (whose punk rock fringe has now all but disappeared) and their Changwon transformation. Jun-wan lets out a tsk and pushes the door open.
“I told you,” Jun-wan begins and Jeong-won wipes his tears with the back of his sleeve. The stains on it just makes him want to cry more but he holds it back. “You have to learn how to let things go.”
Jun-wan is good at that. Really, really good. But Jeong-won can’t bear to not know his patients personally. What’s the use of being a doctor if you can’t understand what your patients need?
“I know, I know, you need to know your patients before you can treat them,” Jun-wan says, like he can read Jeong-won’s mind, “but who’s gonna treat you if you keep this up? We’re not God. We can only save the people we can and if you can’t understand that, you’re going to fall sick.”
“Shush,” Jeong-won says, rubbing his temples, but he knows Jun-wan is right. Jun-wan motions for him to move to the convenience store, where he grabs a pack of cigarettes and an espresso. He downs the espresso and lights up one of the cigarettes at the smoking corner, where Jun-wan watches him billow smoke into the air.
“You are irony personified,” Jun-wan says with his usual distaste, hands shoved into his white coat, “you know that, right?”
“Nope,” Jeong-won shakes his head, watching as the smoke dissipates into the still frigid March air. This is his favourite month of the year, the intersection of winter and spring, the beginning of life on earth. Not everyone gets the chance to see the flowers bloom, he thinks, as his eyes get wet again.
“Ah, whatever.” Jun-wan rolls his eyes and plonks himself down on the bench next to him. “When are you going to quit smoking? You don’t want to die halfway through being a super rare type called the paediatric surgeon, do you?”
Jeong-won thinks about it, the cigarette smouldering bright in between his fingers. Smoking is an outlet, as are tears. Except perhaps more harmful, he thinks balefully. Father Paul would never approve. He never did get to show Father Paul what he eventually chose to do since the cancer took him in their fourth year of med school. It’s a painful memory and Jeong-won pushes it as far down as he can before turning back to Jun-wan.
“Probably when the time is right,” he replies, before exhaling more smoke that shrouds him in a light grey.
“So never?” Jun-wan guffaws, leaning back to enjoy the slight breeze that has picked up, “Or when you eventually become a priest?”
“Yup.” Jeong-won says as he stubs out the cigarette and throws it away. The breeze has turned into something of a mini gale by now.
“Basically never, then.” Jun-wan concludes and stands up. “Time to get back to work, Dr. Ahn.”
Jeong-won gives Jun-wan one of his looks, the one he thinks means I’m all business but Song-hwa usually disputes as “it’s just harmless puppy, Jeong-won!”.
“Whatever!” He yells and scuttles after Jun-wan as he strides off. “It’s my dream!”
“Like you said, it’s your dream. Keep dreaming! You’ll get there!” Jun-wan yells back, before taking off towards the entrance.
“Hey!”
Jeong-won briefly considers taking off one of his Crocs and aiming it at Jun-wan’s head. He’s too far away by now to even aim at properly, so Jeong-won decides that he’ll settle it with Jun-wan tonight. Perhaps by emptying his confectionary drawer? There are so, so many ways, he thinks as he finally breaks into a tiny smile.
MARCH, 2017
Their glasses clink in unison as Song-hwa lets out a whoop. “Congratulations! You’re all assistant professors now.” She smiles as everyone downs their drinks. “Well, except for Jun-wan, since he got there first.”
Jun-wan rolls his eyes and they toast to each other again. Jeong-won looks around in satisfaction as the sounds and smells of their favourite barbeque place swirl around him. The years had gone by and here they still were, fighting over pork, beef, and how many bowls of stew they needed to have. Ik-jun slams down another glass in front of him and pours a heaping serving of soju. Jeong-won returns the favour.
“I wish Seok-hyung was here.” Song-hwa says wistfully after her fourth shot. Jun-wan scowls but Jeong-won knows he feels the same way. Seok-hyung had left for the States a month ago, freshly divorced. They don't know much about Yoon Shin-hye, Seok-hyung’s ex-wife, and Jeong-won honestly doesn't feel qualified enough to pass any comments either. Seok-hyung’s familial situation has always been complicated but it never did stop him from being a good friend.
“He’s doing well in the States. I heard his professor really likes him,” Jeong-won offers up and Song-hwa smiles at that. “Besides, it’s good that he’s away from Korea for now. My mum says… well, to put it nicely, his family’s a—”
“Freakin’ mess.” Jun-wan finishes and downs another shot.
Jeong-won glares at him. “In a complicated situation, is how I’d put it.”
Jun-wan makes a face at him and Jeong-won returns it. Ik-jun then pounces on Jun-wan with questions about his new girlfriend. The Changwon boys may not be in the same hospital, Jeong-won thinks, but they still are the closest to each other. Only Jun-wan and Jeong-won had chosen Kangwoon, while Ik-jun opted for a hospital closer to his place for U-ju’s sake. Song-hwa had gone to Yulje during their military service, none the wiser about his connection to the place. He clears his throat as he thinks about it, still finding it exceedingly difficult to tell his friends about how he’s linked to Yulje.
“You alright?” Song-hwa asks. “Caught a cold?”
“Nah,” Jeong-won shakes his head and smiles. Song-hwa has always been the lynchpin of the group. If Jeong-won has to say it himself, he is only ever comfortable with telling Song-hwa his secrets, mainly because she’s very good at keeping them. If he ever told Ik-jun anything… no way.
Song-hwa then asks him about his latest patient, a five-year-old who’s doing a lot better with his liver now, and Jeong-won launches into what he knows must be a spiel about the boy. When he’s done with the specifics, he looks up to see Song-hwa smiling at him indulgently. It’s the same look she’s always had with him, like he’s the younger brother she doesn’t have.
“Jeong-won,” she says as Ik-jun and Jun-wan squabble over the new car that Ik-jun’s bought recently and how Jun-wan thinks his is so much better, “are you sure you don’t want to get married?”
Jeong-won pauses for a moment before he laughs. It’s the one question all of his friends and family ever ask in unison: does he not want to get married? The dream of priesthood still lingers in the back of his mind, every day, as he goes on his rounds, does his consultations, eats his meals. It’s something he’s held on to for the longest time, the motivation he’s sure is driving him to perfect his bedside manner and surgery skills.
“What’s that got to do with my patients?” He asks with a wry grin, and Song-hwa gives him that same indulgent look again. “Really, though. You guys know, right?”
He’s never had to spell out his dream too many times to his friends, but Jeong-won knows that they don’t really believe that he’ll become one. Song-hwa lifts her eyebrows slightly and nods her head.
“I just think it’d be a waste if you didn’t have your own kids,” she says and puts a slice of pork on his plate, “because you’d be the best dad among all of you.”
“Excuse you,” Ik-jun butts in, apparently offended by what he’d just heard, “but what’s this I heard about best dad not being me? I’m the only dad here!”
“Yeah, yeah,” Song-hwa and Jun-wan say simultaneously before giving each other a hi-five. Jeong-won watches as the three of them erupt into a very noisy argument about Ik-jun’s presumption that he’s the best father of them all. He thinks that it’s great they never grew apart, not even with them being in different hospitals, after all this time. What would happen if they all did manage to be in the same place at the same time?
“Hey, Ahn Jeong-won! Come defend me!” Ik-jun yells at him for back-up. Jeong-won takes a quick look at them, all red-faced in their serious argument over something completely not serious at all, and dives right in.
MARCH, 2019
It takes a while for Jeong-won to get his car started, mainly because it’s very, very old. Jun-wan stares at it in disbelief, before forcibly shutting it down and pushing Jeong-won into his car. Jeong-won then bears with the tirade Jun-wan launches against his “junk of a car” before they thankfully get to the Yulje car park.
As Jun-wan finds his allocated parking space, Jeong-won looks out of the window at the yet-unfamiliar sight of Yulje. It still hasn’t sunk in fully for him, that somehow he’s managed to gather all five of them at his father’s hospital and they were finally all colleagues at the same place. Jun-wan finally locates his lot and reverses in expertly.
“I’m not nervous at all. Are you?” Jun-wan asks as they make their way to the lift lobby. Jeong-won looks at his housemate out of the corner of his eyes. Not nervous, his ass. Jun-wan’s practically shaking at the fingertips.
“Yeah, I’m positively quivering with excitement.” Jeong-won quips and Jun-wan nods solemnly as the lift doors slide open. Jeong-won laughs at him as they ascend and get off at the level where their office is situated. He’d specially allocated the same office for them both, so as to facilitate better mooching. After a quick tour, Jun-wan takes off for the Cardiosurgery department, while he takes the escalator up to General Surgery. He sends a quick text to Ik-jun but receives no reply, though Ik-jun’s probably already been there and is currently having breakfast with all the residents or something.
GS is an easy find and Jeong-won finds himself staring up at the door for a moment. He can hear people talking inside the room. It takes two breaths but he finally admits to himself that he is, actually, kind of nervous.
“Professor Ahn!” He turns around to find the head of GS smiling genially at him, a few steps away. “Welcome, welcome. Let me bring you around.”
He obliges and after a few pleasantries, the head pushes the door open. There are three people inside—two men and curiously, only one lady. “Let’s welcome Professor Ahn Jeong-won. He’ll be joining us from today onwards.” He hears the head say and knows it’s his cue to go around introducing himself.
“This is Dr. Jang Gyeo-ul, the only GS resident.”
Jeong-won looks at her and steps forward, hand outstretched.
“Hello. I’m Jang Gyeo-ul.” She says after a quick wipe of her hands on her scrubs, and Jeong-won shakes her hand.
“I’m Ahn Jeong-won.” He says in reply, a smile on his face, and she nods stiffly.
“It’s nice to meet you.”
MARCH, 2020
His phone rings for a few seconds before he manages to get to it and answer in hushed tones. Jeong-won squints, eyes hurting from the sudden eruption of light from the phone screen, and listens as his PICU nurse tells him about the stable vitals of Na-hyun, the infant they’d just performed surgery on earlier in the morning.
“I‘ll go over to check on her in a bit,” he says in as quiet a voice as he can.
“Sure, Professor. Dr. Jang also said she’d come over in an hour.” His nurse informs him and he casts his eyes down, where Gyeo-ul is sleeping soundly, curled up against him and mouth just slightly agape.
“It’s okay. I’ll go over. Dr. Jang is, uh,” Jeong-won squirms just a bit so that Gyeo-ul can cuddle up a little tighter, “she’s um, sleeping.”
“Oh, okay.” The nurse sounds slightly perplexed but promises she’ll continue keeping an eye on the infant's vitals. As he puts his phone down as gingerly as he can, Gyeo-ul stirs awake and stares at him, sleep still in her eyes.
“It’s nothing! Go back to sleep.” Jeong-won pats her on the head hurriedly and she blinks a few times before she closes her eyes again, snuggling up as he pulls the blanket over her.
Jeong-won looks at her for a few moments more, heart oddly full, before he closes his eyes and drifts back to sleep.