Chapter Text
“Having a meal with you, and drinking coffee with you. That’s a treat I give myself”
Songhwa stood by the large window in her brand-new Sokcho apartment. Five minutes ago, Ikjun was here, saying words that reminded her of that one night a few months back. She closed her eyes, pondering even more, thinking about the past 20 years that she had spent on his side as his best friend, listening through his girlfriend woes, and much later on, his marriage troubles. Sometimes she chides herself for not letting him know how she felt -- had I told him I liked him when we were still medical students, she thought, things might be different now.
But this is 20 years later, and despite reciprocating his feelings still and wanting to be together with him as desperately as he does, seeing the three times he had confessed to her in the past few months, she knew it’s not the same. Not when she had to see him walk down the aisle with another woman a few years ago, although that marriage did not end well. Ever since his first confession, Songhwa has to admit that sometimes she finds herself daydreaming, thinking about the ‘what ifs’, now that her first love is once again single. But everytime her heart leads her to think that way, her brain quickly shuts it down, fully realizing the numerous things she might have to risk if she ever goes with her heart.
One month later...
Songhwa seems to be settling down in Sokcho pretty well. She knows that the move is temporary -- one year is enough for her to get a change of scenery, to have a better work-life balance, and more importantly, to take care of her health better. Lesser number of long surgeries means that her neck condition has been improving, and she also has time to actually explore the nature around her. She makes weekly trips to Seoul every weekend to meet the gang for their weekly band practices, while catching up over good food and at times, a few drinks.
One thing that makes her wonder every time they all meet is how well Ikjun is able to mask his curiosity and feelings despite the lack of answer to his question from a month ago. Ikjun is still the Ikjun she knew from years ago, still very caring, supportive and a jokester. She is still the only one that laughs at his dad jokes, and from what she can see, he is ever so grateful for that. Yet the question still lingers at the back of Songhwa’s mind, and despite numerous attempts from her side to gather enough courage to say “I like you too, Ikjun-ah”, she was, and is still unable to say it out loud.
“Songhwa-ya, when is your next scheduled appointment for the lump in your breast? It’s been almost six months, you know, and I think you should not overlook it despite it being benign,” Jeongwon asked out of pure curiosity.
“It’s tomorrow, that’s why I’m still here in Seoul until this late on a Sunday night,” Songhwa replied with a lack of concern in her voice, although her facial expression said otherwise.
“Ya, why are you telling us only now?” Junwan asked.
“What time is your appointment tomorrow?” Seokhyung added.
“Is it at the same hospital as before? Why don’t you get it tested at Yulje instead, now that you’re working in the Sokcho branch instead of the Seoul one?” Jeongwon said.
This feels like deja-vu, Songhwa thought, as she sighed before answering their questions one by one, saying, “It’s at 9 in the morning, and yes I’m going back to the breast cancer specialist I met last time because this is a follow up appointment from the one I did six months ago.”
“Also, it’s because I’m the only one who’s so free these days, and I don’t want to bother all of you with this on top of your busy schedule, and girlfriends,” she said while smirking at both Jeongwon and Junwan.
Her answer unexpectedly diverted the topic of the night to romantic relationships, with Jeongwon openly sharing his first-time-dating experience with the rest of the gang. It has been a while since they were able to hang out until the night falls, as usually Songhwa had to rush back to Sokcho so that it won’t be too late when she reaches home every Sunday after their practice. The conversation flows as what she expected, with Jeongwon getting either teased for his lack of dating experience, or praised for doing things for Gyeoul that they did not expect of someone who is dating for the first time.
“Ya, it’s already almost 10,” Ikjun said, breaking the conversation, “I need to get home so that I can kiss Uju goodnight before he sleeps,” he continues. Despite what he said as the reason, Songhwa can clearly see some streaks of uneasiness in him. Maybe it was the sudden shift of topic to romantic relationships, or the revelation that she is getting another check up for the lump on her breast the next day, Songhwa will never know. Ikjun is always unpredictable, his thoughts running way faster than what others think it would.
Ain't nobody hurt you like I hurt you
But ain't nobody need you like I do
I know that there's others that deserve you
But my darling, I am still in love with you
The song played in the radio as Ikjun drove home on that day. A feeling of guilt washed over him again, the lyrics causing him to reminiscent about the past.
Am I not good enough for her? Is it why she still doesn't answer me until today?
The next morning comes, and Songhwa finds herself sitting nervously in her car at the parking lot of Jaean Medical Center. She did her morning routine like a robot that day, maybe an extension of the numbness she’s been trying to feel since the night before. She has been trying to put up a tough front once again, saying to herself, “It’s going to be alright,” and “It’s benign after all,” to clear her mind from unpleasant thoughts that have been bothering her for the past week or so. Truth be told, with her neck pain significantly decreasing, she has been noticing the slight pain and discomfort in her breast area more than before, worrying her to the point that she had actually moved her appointment two weeks earlier.
As she steels herself to open her car door, a white sedan swiftly parks beside her black SUV. A few seconds later, a man -- the man who has been in her thoughts for the past month or so, the man who is ever so silent when she brought up any issue concerning her health -- gets out of the driver’s seat and knocks at her car door.
“Chae Songhwa, do you want to be late for your appointment?” the man asked, prompting Songhwa to look at her watch. She jumped slightly when she saw that it is 5 minutes to 9, and realizing the difficulty other patients and the doctor will face if she comes late, quickly gets out of her car, smiling at the man.
“Ya Lee Ikjun, don’t you have better things to do on a Monday morning?” Songhwa teased him, completely not expecting what would come out next out of his mouth.
“What’s better than spending time with you, who is never here in Seoul on a Monday morning?” Ikjun replied, sending shockwaves in Songhwa’s heart and mind.
“Is that his fourth confession in three months? Maybe I should end his suffering and give him an answer today, after this appointment,” Songhwa thought to herself while walking side by side with him towards the entrance of the hospital.