Chapter Text
It had been four months, two weeks, and five days since Kaz Brekker had last seen his Wraith.
It had been four months, two weeks, and five days since she had departed on her first voyage, dark hair billowing behind her as she turned her face into the sea-scented wind.
It had been four months, two weeks, and five days since Inej had left Kaz, gripping his cane in shaking hands, alone on the dock.
At the beginning, the hole he had felt was so acute that it seemed it would tear him apart. The tiniest flash in the corner of his vision had him turning eagerly, hoping, only to see the wing of a crow or the flash or another girl’s hair disappearing into the crowd. The window of his room remained as empty as the night sky, the rooftops of his city lifeless without the silent footfalls of Inej Ghafa.
Hope. Kaz shook his head, disgusted, as he made his way through the damp streets of Ketterdam. He was Dirtyhands, scum of the Barrel and leader of the Dregs. He didn’t have time for hope. He didn’t have time for weaknesses.
And yet, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t ignore the jagged hole gaping in his chest. He’d tried to fill it- rebuilding, scheming, planning jobs, visiting Jesper and Wylan- and over time, the ache had lessened.
This is what he wanted, wasn’t it? Kaz knew Inej was better off without him- in fact, it would be better for both of them if she forgot him entirely.
How could he deserve her if the very thought of touching her- running his hands through her silky hair, cupping her cheek with his fingers- left him shaky and wheezing?
He was Kaz Brekker. He couldn’t allow sentiment, and he sure as hell didn’t deserve Inej.
But he couldn’t seem to shake the memory of her hand in his, and he couldn’t stop himself from scanning the sea as he passed the docks, hoping against hope.
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As The Wraith docked in berth twenty-two, Inej stood at the prow, smiling faintly at the sight of her city. They had been at sea for nearly five months, gathering intelligence and hunting the slave traders that menaced Kerch. And, Saints, it had felt good.
She now had a purpose, a goal, but she couldn’t deny the chasm in her heart- the one she suspected could only be filled by one Kaz Brekker. Inej had felt a pull, an inner compass always drawing her back towards Ketterdam. She’d tried to ignore it, but… she missed him.
Her mother came up beside her as Specht finished mooring the ship to the dock. Inej’s parents had travelled with her the past few months; they didn’t intend to for much longer, but they hadn’t been able to let her go as soon as they had gotten her back. Her mother, sharp as always, hadn’t missed her daughter’s pining for the conman.
As Inej turned to face her, she took her daughter’s hands in her own, a small, knowing smile gracing her lips.
“Until our hearts are joined again, my daughter,” she said softly.
“Until our hearts are joined again,” Inej repeated, the Suli farewell holding a weight it never had before. She took one last look around the ship- her ship- and left, the Ketterdam streets darkening with the setting sun.
As Inej ran across the rooftops, she had to admit that she’d missed this- the city laid bare before her, its farthest buildings disappearing underneath the haze of the sunset. Even the smell of brine, fish, and smoke seemed oddly comforting.
As Inej glimpsed her first sight of the Slat in months, an unfamiliar feeling stirred deep inside her. Nervousness? She wondered derisively. What the hell do I have to be nervous about? It’s just Kaz.
And yet… she was nervous. He had no more need for Inej, so why should he want to see her?
She shook her head, dispelling the thought. Old habits die hard, and it was still hard for her to reconcile the old Kaz with the one she had left, the warm feeling of his palm in hers still lingering.
Inej reached the Slat, and, bracing herself, swung silently onto the ledge of Kaz Brekker’s window.
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Kaz felt her presence the second she was there; the hole in his heart was empty one second, then deliciously, gloriously filled the second.
And as much as he hated it, he couldn’t stop the smile that came to his lips, and was glad his back was to the window so that Inej couldn’t see it.
Hunched over the paperwork at his desk, writing figures, he attempted to sound nonchalant. “Those birds out there missed you.”
There was a pause as she weighed his words, considering. Then: “Just the birds?”
Kaz finally turned, unable to bear it any longer. And there she was, casually draped on his window ledge, as if she’d never left.
The breath he hadn’t even realized he was holding left him in a rush as he took her in: her lithe body, even more muscular than before; her unbound black hair, gently stirred by the wind; a bandage wrapped around her left forearm. The sight of it made him bristle internally, although he knew that whoever had inflicted it likely hadn’t survived to tell the tale.
There were so many things he wanted to say.
He wanted to tell her that he had felt perpetually cold without her presence beside him. He wanted to say that the night sky had felt empty, knowing how far she was, feeling the acute pain of every mile between them. He wanted to say that he had lain awake every night since before sleep found him, wondering, waiting.
He wanted to tell her that he’d missed her.
But Kaz didn’t have the courage to. So he simply turned back to his desk and said, “Just the birds.”
Inej huffed behind him, the barest trace of a laugh in her voice as she slid off the ledge and into his room. She stalked around the room, her eyes noting every change, until she stopped next to his desk.
Kaz sat back in his chair, weighing her stare, her dark eyes luminous in the lamplight. Slowly, achingly, he removed his gloves.
Inej’s eyes dipped down to his hands as he flexed them, feeling bare and exposed in the chill night air. As her eyes rose to meet his once more, a small trace of a smile curled her lips. She held out a hand- an offering, a challenge, a promise- and all he had to do was reach out and touch it.
Steeling himself, Kaz extended his arm, and slowly, torturously, their fingertips brushed.
And desperation and revulsion flooded him, the water rising around him, pulling him under, under, under, the rotting flesh of his brother beneath his hands, water entering his lungs…
And then it disappeared as he felt the warmth of Inej’s fingers intertwined with his. She was a tether, anchoring him to who he was.
Kaz opened his eyes, only realizing at that minute that he’d closed them. Inej was closer now, their hands joined. She waited patiently, her eyes steadying him as his breathing calmed.
Now that the revulsion had passed, he could concentrate on the feeling of her hand in his. It was comforting, riveting… and he wanted more.
But before Kaz could build up the courage, Inej tugged him, pulling him to his feet and towards the window.
Confused, he was barely able to think past their joined hands and the warmth of her fingers. “Where are we going?”
Inej spared a glance over her shoulder as she climbed gracefully onto the sill.
“To feed the birds,” she shot back with a grin, before jumping out.
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For the better part of an hour, they stayed up on the roof of the Slat. Conversation was easy- Inej told him about her travels and the slavers she’d captured, pride coloring her voice. Kaz recounted the schemes and jobs he’d planned since then, and lamented that his intelligence gathering was greatly inhibited by the loss of his Wraith.
Eventually, they both fell silent, gazing up at the stars. At some point- Inej couldn’t quite remember when- they’d ended up lying on their backs.
The warmth of his shoulder pressed to hers, even through layers on clothing, was strangely comforting. The silence between them was natural and easy, and it almost felt as if she had never left.
Except that they never would’ve shared a moment this intimate, before.
Inej wished she knew what he was thinking as his dark eyes scanned the night sky. Probably planning his next job, she thought ruefully.
She immediately banished the thought. Why should Kaz Brekker think of anything else?
Inej closed her eyes, the night breeze whispering over her skin. She nearly started as she felt something brush her fingers, but relaxed as Kaz’s hand joined with hers.
She opened her eyes and turned her head to face him. His eyes, mere inches from hers, were dilated, almost fearful.
She wished she could help him, but she didn’t want to risk pushing him away. He wouldn’t want her pity, nor was she inclined to give it. He had to overcome this on his own. But something in his eyes made her speak up.
“A man grabbed my arm a few weeks ago,” Inej confided, her voice small. “I was wearing silks- we were infiltrating a club in Novyi Zem.”
Kaz closed his eyes, and she wondered at how young he looked, slightly trembling under the night sky.
“It was just my father, but I was instantly back in the Menagerie, pinned down. I had my knives in my hand and at his throat in seconds.” She swallowed, painfully. “I’ll never forget the look in his eyes.”
Kaz opened his then, his dark eyes pools of unfathomable emotion that she wouldn’t have thought possible, mere months earlier.
Slowly, cautiously, he raised a hand to Inej’s hair, spread between them. He carefully twirled a strand around his finger, and leaning closer, he gently pressed a chaste kiss to it.
Kaz looked up at her then and brushed his other hand lightly across her cheek.
“Thank you,” he rasped, before pulling away.
That was good enough for her.
——
A few minutes later, Inej ran across the rooftops to Wylan and Jesper’s house, where she spent the night, welcome and safe.
Though a deep, dark part of her secretly wished that Kaz had asked her to stay.