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Beautiful.
That was the first word that came to Mark’s mind when he thought of Donghyuck. His smooth coffee coloured skin, his warm brown eyes that glistened like pools of honey when under the sun. His moles that gently dotted his body like constellations. Mark could endlessly talk about his beauty, but not only physically.
His interest in sweet and simple things. His laughter when teasing the other members. His melodic voice when he sings and even when he speaks. His concentrated facial expression when playing the piano or a video game. Even when he was angry, Mark still found him absolutely beautiful. Donghyuck was beautiful inside and out, and Mark couldn’t deny it.
Days went by and Mark realised it wasn’t just a crush, but instead hopeless love.
Mark’s heart ached for Donghyuck in a way he’d never experienced before. Mark had never thought about a person the way he thought about Donghyuck. He wanted to hold Donghyuck’s small body close to his, he wanted to hold his warm hands and press his mouth against his cherry coloured lips. Mark’s mind also sometimes went to different, more wrong places. He wanted to see parts of Donghyuck nobody else had seen before, and he wanted to touch and know every sensitive part of his body. He wanted to touch and feel him in wrong areas and kiss and lick him where it would feel good. He also thought about Donghyuck doing dirty things to him, with an immediate rush of guilt afterwards.
Mark knew he would never be able to be with a male, let alone Donghyuck, yet he still fantasized. Although foreign, love was a good yet slightly wrong feeling.
Mark sat up in his bed and looked out the window, intently staring at the moon as if it would give him an answer.
He had never loved someone before, and even when he liked people they were always female. He knew he wasn’t allowed to be with a male. But he knew he wasn’t straight. He had never felt so strongly about a person as he did with Donghyuck. Donghyuck was so unique and Mark loved every single part of him, even his flaws and it hurt him that he loved him so much. He wanted Donghyuck so badly but he didn’t know what to do. Donghyuck was his closest friend, the person he shared his dreams with, the person who held him and comforted him when he cried, the person he was deeply in love with. How could he want to change what he had? He was so grateful for Donghyuck and yet he couldn’t even settle with what he already had and that hurt him. Mark felt guilty for liking him in a way he probably didn’t even reciprocate.
His heavy thoughts gently drifted away as he tried to fall asleep, but his heart was still heavy.
The days still went by the same.
Mark yearned for Donghyuck while trying to hide how he felt. He felt guilty for even wanting to be around Donghyuck. Everytime he looked into Donghyuck’s eyes it was a look of love and desire, yet he would never be able to express those emotions into words despite how badly he wanted to.
Donghyuck softly leant into Mark’s side. Mark looked down at his gentle and welcoming eyes, ignoring the words coming out of Donghyuck’s mouth. Donghyuck’s response was to stop speaking and just look back into Mark’s eyes.
Soft breathing was exchanged between the boys as they silently communicated through slow blinking and small smiles, while Donghyuck’s hold on Mark’s hand became slightly tighter as the passing time went by.
Mark felt a wave of warmth coat his body as he just stared deeply at Donghyuck. He took in the perfect view presented to him. Donghyuck’s hair was freshly washed and slightly fluffy. Mark wanted nothing more than to run his hands through his hair and connect their lips together, yet his imagination led him to thinking about more. His soft pink lips looked so good and he couldn’t help but think about what Donghyuck would look like while using them for sinful things.
Instead he got up in a hurry and went alone to his room without a word spoken to Donghyuck, all while Donghyuck’s saddened gaze watched his every move. He knew it was a hurtful thing to do but the guilt was slowly building up inside him, more and more.
Love is wonderful, but also horrifying.
Every moment of every day it is on Mark’s mind. Sometimes it fills him with a sense of happiness that makes him feel fond and his heart heavy, and whenever he spends time with Donghyuck he gets this feeling. Although he knows he can never pursue this feeling he still loves it and he’s glad he fell so hard for Donghyuck. He’s special and Mark wishes he could be the one to show Donghyuck how much he is worth, but he can never give him that.
Sometimes it is painful. Mark wishes he could love Donghyuck and be the one for him. He knows it is farfetched and he’ll never be able to be with him, but he can’t help but imagine that one day he will be the one holding Donghyuck at night when they sleep, and be the one right next to him when he wakes up. Be the one to kiss him and tell him how beautiful and amazing he is. Be the one to tell him how much he loves and wants him. Be the one to tell him how he would do anything for him.
But he can’t be the one to do any of that for him, and it ruins him.
At first it was bearable. It felt anything but nice, but there was nothing he could do about it. The days went by slowly and painfully, but as long as he could get through the day he was fine.
Mark missed him. Everyday he avoided him. He couldn’t face him, without wanting to scream. He missed his pretty sun, the boy he would light up his day in one giggle. He missed giving in to his tight hugs and listening to him rant about random things. He missed the way his eyes lit up when he was excited about anything. He missed him and every little thing about him.
As the days went by the members also noticed the change in Mark.
The once happy and attentive Mark became tired and stressed. The members tried to help in any way they could but soon realised that the efforts were useless, but despite it they still tried their best to help their friend they loved dearly.
A part of Mark wanted to tell his members, but then he thought about how they could react. He was scared they would be disgusted and he knows it’s wrong for him to feel this way about another male. Especially his sweet Donghyuck.
Although hopeless and deflated, Mark tried his best to carry on. He knew you couldn’t choose who you fell in love with, and he knew this very well. While still hurting, this still reassured him.
The days started to get easier. Whilst still knowing he couldn’t do anything Mark started to understand himself better.
He still struggled to accept himself, but love was such a natural feeling. Whilst it made life difficult, he was also thankful for it. He was lucky he even had someone like Donghyuck in his life and he was thankful he had him. Whilst still pushing Donghyuck away he began to slowly feel better, and he knew the feeling wouldn’t disappear.
Donghyuck was still kind to him. He still asked Mark if he wanted to speak, if he wanted to cuddle despite the constant rejection from Mark. He still remained as the same Donghyuck Mark fell in love with, even when his eyes filled with sadness watched Mark constantly.
Every time Mark thought about confessing he realised it would be pointless. Although it would help to get it off his chest, he could never give Donghyuck the love he deserved, despite how badly he wanted to.
No matter how many days went by it stayed.
He despised it. He didn’t ask to be like this. He didn’t ask to be in love with Donghyuck. His full sun, his soulmate, the most beautiful person he ever met, the love of his life.
Hollowed cries filled up his room. Hot tears ran down his cheeks and fell into his lap and his hands gripped his hair increasingly harder, as his dried tears from before stung his cheeks. His eyes shut together tightly as his breathing became erratic.
The thing that once filled Mark with happiness and euphoria had become one of the worst feelings he’d ever experienced.
All he could think about was much he wanted him, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t be with him because it would be wrong. He could never hold him and call him his.
His heavy breathing soon became cries of defeat. There was nothing he could do.
Tears flooded from Mark’s eyes as his throat began to feel raw.
As his breath steadied, so did his numb mind.
Mark’s love for Donghyuck would never stop, no matter how many endless days went by.