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Renjun wasn’t here anymore.
He left Jeno alone.
On his own.
Abandoned.
No Renjun didn’t abandon him for real. Jeno was just going through it.
Renjun left a couple of day ago and will be back in a few days but Jeno still felt lonely without his best friend. The chinese boy liked to call himself the better half of the two best friend and now that he was gone, Jeno was starting to agree.
He missed him so much.
How was he supposed to send his usual morning text when the other boy was in another country ?
Who was he supposed to meet in front of the hall before first period if it wasn’t Renjun ?
“Where is Renjun ?” Jaemin asked as a greeting when he met Jeno in front of said lecture hall.
Usually, Jeno meets Renjun here first then Jaemin after because the latter was always right on time, almost late to their morning lecture. Contrary to Jeno who liked to be extra early just to see and talk to Renjun a little longer every morning.
“China.” Jeno answered abruptly, his eyes on his twitter timeline. It was dry and made Jeno miss his best friend even more: his timeline was never dry with Renjun’s tweets in it.
“Oh yeah, I forgot !” Jaemin smiled softly. “When will he come back ?”
“Sunday.”
“Jeno, are you okay ?” The blond boy asked with worry in his voice.
“Yes.” Jeno said, deep cold voice and earphones on. He looked up to his friend, cold eyes and tensed shoulders.
Jaemin raised his eyebrow, looking at him knowingly before Jeno broke under his gaze, his tensed shoulder falling down as his entire stature slouched. His eyes softened, his entire aura shifted to show how he truly felt. He knew he didn’t have to pretend he wasn’t upset in front of Jaemin, one of his other best friend, his platonic soulmate.
Jeno held his breath for a second at this thought.
If Jaemin was his platonic soulmate, what was Renjun ?
His other platonic soulmate of course !
But was it truly like that between them ?
“No I miss him so much.” Jeno almost whined in a whisper. “Why did he have to go to China now ?”
“I’m pretty sure he didn’t decide to have a unexpected family reunion in China because his uncle is having a baby.”
“I know… But I miss him.” Jeno pouted like the big baby he was and Jaemin laughed for a second before becoming serious again, his eyebrow furrowed as he tried to investigate his best friend’s thoughts. “How much ?”
“What ?” Jeno’s voice broke a little because it was still the morning and… Again: he missed Renjun. Missing him took all his energy.
“How much do you miss him ?”
He looked at Jaemin with an eyebrow raised: how was he suppose to quantify a feeling ? He could try at least. After all, he had nothing to lose since his best friend was already gone.
“I-... I don’t know… Just...My mind is blurry ? It’s almost like I can’t stop thinking about him. Everything makes me think of him. I had hotpot yesterday with Mark, do you know how much Renjun loves hotpot ? This morning, a yellow car drove past me and do you know his favorite color is yellow ? I put milk before cereal for breakfast, I imagined him nagging at me like “what the fuck Jeno, it’s not the right order” and after I…”
“Okokok, I get it. You’re obsessed.”
“I’m not.” A silence, a doubt. “ Right ?”Jeno asked, mostly to himself.
“I don’t know, you tell me.” Jaemin softly smiled.
“I’m not.” Jeno stated, trying to hide his doubt by shoving his hands in the pockets of his sweatshirt, next to his lifeless phone because Renjun wasn’t texting him.
- ✩ -
When Renjun was away from Jeno, the two best friends always found a way to communicate. Sure it was easier when they were on the same country but they made it work. Renjun had to use a VPN when he wanted to communicate with him, but most of the time when he was back home in China, he didn’t have a lot of free time to text his best friends, busy between relatives and old friends.
Tonight, Jeno couldn’t sleep. He knew Renjun didn’t owe him anything, not even a text. He just couldn’t help himself, waiting for a news. His phone rang a little past midnight and Jeno’s face lightened up like his phone screen.
[junnie]: hey
the baby is born
it’s a girl
she is very small but very cute
Just like you, Jeno was about to type but retracted his fingers before typing something less out-of-character.
[nono]: cool so the baby is your cousin ?
[junnie]: yeah i think
i suck at genealogy but i’m pretty sure that the baby of my uncle is my cousin indeed
[nono]: shut up
I miss you, Jeno was already typing but he deleted it.
First, because feelings = ew.
Second, he really didn’t want to make Renjun feel bad for being with his family. It was something Jeno liked about him: he was there for everyone, close family, extended relatives and friends. He was thoughtful and caring, a constant, a lifeline, the sun in Jeno’s sky.. Wait no, it sounded weird.
[junnie]: i will be back on sunday
It was like Renjun felt his longing through his messages even though Jeno tried really hard to hide it. But maybe Renjun knew him too well. Or maybe Renjun felt the same.
[nono]: i know
How could he forget when it was all he could think about ? When his best friend will be back, the moment he could feel his presence next to him and hold him close.
Wait again, it sounded wrong.
[junnie]: i’m going to be bed today was exhausting
[nono]: wtf it’s not you who gave birth to a literal child how could you be tired ?
[junnie]: i was the emotional support of everyone that shit is tiring as fuck and the mother made me follow the baby around the entire hospital so they wouldn’t exchange her lmao
[nono]: wow a true hero
goodnight ily loser
[junnie]: ihy too fucker
The two best friends didn’t say “i love you” often.
It happened sometimes when one of them needed comfort but otherwise they just knew they cared about the other without actually saying it. So Jeno felt kind of weird for sending that text but he needed it. His feelings were all over the place lately, even more since Renjun left, so expressing it by text like it was the most random thing in the world, was the easiest way to express how he felt without being precise.
Yes, he sended “ily”.
No, he had no idea which kind of “ily” it was but he wasn’t sure he wanted to figure it out. Especially now when his other half, his confidant, was miles away.
- ✩ -
Renjun was supposed to take his plane tomorrow and Jeno couldn’t calm down. He was shaking his leg,visibly disturbed. He was waiting for anything, a text, a call, just him.
His phone’s screen, on the desk next to his computer, lightened up with a notification.
Renjun had sent him a picture and a vocal message.
Jeno’s heart was about to burst about of his chest. Excited but flustered, Jeno took the familiar device, totally forgetting about his essay due the next day. He took a moment to unlock his phone, the mix of Renjun, Jaemin and Donghyuck’s birthdays before his eyes met his lockscreen.
It was an old picture that dated back from the sleepover at Chenle’s, one of his best friend who was still in high school.
7 boys, all grinning to the camera, were gathered around on the couch, all their limbs intertwined with one another. In the middle of the picture, Jeno was showing his famous eye-smile, his arm thrown around Renjun’s shoulders as the older’s legs were on his laps. Renjun’s head was slightly lean on Jeno’s shoulder, beaming to the lens.
Jeno smiled at the memory of this unforgettable night, wishing all of his friends could be physically around him right now. Which was achievable since Mark was his roommate, he was sharing the same major as Renjun and Jaemin, Chenle will join them next year and Jisung was his neighbor. They were still close, the constant notification from their groupchat was a reminder of their unwavering friendship.
But Jeno brushed the groupchat’s notification aside to focus on Renjun’s.
He opened the conversation they had through social media and flushed even more when he saw the picture Renjun sent him. It was a portrait of the boy, dark brown hair framing his beautiful face, a huge proudful grin on his soft rosy lips as he was holding a small baby close to his chest. His eyes were on the camera, sparkling like the night sky.
There was a second picture attached to it. Kinda the same, still Renjun in his white button down, sleeves rolled to his elbow as he was holding the tiny human in his arms. But this time, he was smiling to the baby in his arms, looking at it was the most important thing in the world, a wide, happy and proud smile was breaking his face, still assorted with rosy cheeks and big bright eyes.
For some reason, Jeno couldn’t take his eyes away from this Renjun. This loving, beautiful, adorable, caring Renjun.
With his mind a little busy processing the pictures Renjun sent him, he clicked on the vocal message. The familiar voice of the chinese boy surrounded him and Jeno felt a feeling blossom in his chest.
He missed his raspy cute voice so much.
“I like him” Jeno said with a small voice, testing the words on his tongue.
But it didn’t feel like it was enough. It wasn’t the right words. It was more than that.
“I love him ?” He asked his phone like the device was going to respond and help him with his inner conflict.
“I love him so much.” Jeno finally declared as a strong affirmation, responding to Renjun with a big smile on his face.
“Like a best friend would of course.” Jeno murmured to himself and he could almost hear the walls of his bedroom laughing at him.
- ✩ -
“Ow, never thought the day would come but damm Jeno, you look like shit”. Donghyuck truthfully said when he met Jaemin, Jeno and Yeji during one of their lunch meeting in the crowded cafeteria of the campus.
“Aww, thanks, I’m touched.” Jeno answered sarcastically, his lips pursed.
Yeji patted his back with a small smile but everyone knew Donghyuck was right. Between assignments and the feeling of emptiness, Jeno had trouble sleeping. He had a hard time taking care of himself, get out of his bed and go on with his day. He could only think about one thing but he was also trying not to think about him too much. Obviously, it was a failure. He still managed to eat and take a shower but staying focused was out of reach.
He missed him way too much, it started hurting at night. A hole was carving itself in his chest, in the shape of him.
“You look like you just broke up with your significant other of ten years.”
“Shut up.” Jeno ran a hand through his hair before putting his cap and hood over it to hide his under eye bags and overall tired face.
“No, really, what’s going on Jeno ?” Donghyuck asked with his most serious voice.
“I can’t sleep.”
“But why ? Finals are months away.”Jaemin looked visibly worried like everyone around the table but there was a glint in his eyes: he had an idea of what was happening to Jeno. And the boy didn’t want to hear his best friend’s professional expertise so he quickly answered with a shrug: “I have a lot on my mind”.
He kept quiet for most of the lunch,his mind always drifting off to a beautiful, smart and adorable brown-haired boy whom he missed a lot.
- ✩ -
Renjun was finally in front of him. He had been gone for two weeks but now he was here, right in front of Jeno’s eyes, in an airport arrival hall.
It was with a beating heart that Jeno speed walked to the chinese boy, encircled his body with his arms and pulled him to his chest. His head found its way into Renjun’s hair as he was peppering small kisses in it. He really hoped Renjun couldn’t tell how lovingly he was holding and kissing him. It would be a little embarrassing otherwise because he never acted like that before. Not to that extent at least. But maybe he did and didn’t realize.
Right now, he really wanted to express his affection to his best friend.
“Oh man I missed you”
It was probably the truest thing Jeno ever said. He missed him, from the way he fitted against his chest, to the way his head find the perfect place in the crook of his neck and also by the way the scent of his parfum and his skin blended together into a unique fragrance. He missed the way Renjun’s eyes sparkled in real life, even more than in pictures. He also missed his hair, his voice and...
“I figured from the way you are crushing me right now” Renjun said back, muffled by Jeno t-shirt.
Fuck, Jeno even missed his witty comeback.
He missed Renjun. Having him in his arms felt like a breath of fresh air, like his heart was finally whole.
“Eh, not nice.” Jeno muttered, his head still in Renjun’s soft hair.
“I missed you too dumbass. Now step away I need to breath !”
Jeno obeyed but didn’t go too far, his arms still around his waist, his eyes staring into his sparkly one. Renjun was slightly blushing under his gaze, making Jeno visibly coo at him for being so cute. But he didn’t have the chance as the other boy pulled away, stepping back from his embrace. Jeno felt like his heart was being tear apart but shrugged to conceal it.
No, Jeno wasn’t feeling anything. Just pure and overwhelming happiness from having his best friend back.
All of their other best friend were around them, hugging the chinese boy sometimes a bit too long for Jeno’s liking.
“Okay, enough. We gotta go” Jeno grumbled, making Jaemin finally detached from Renjun after one whole minute of hugging him.
- ✩ -
Jeno thought that if he didn’t knowledge his feelings then they weren’t real. He knew it was stupid to repress his own thoughts about how cute Renjun looked because these kind of thoughts were almost constant, the poor boy just wanted a break from his own whipped mind.
So he tried to act like nothing was happening in his head or in his chest.
No thought head empty heart beating at a normal speed.
But no one was blind.
Donghyuck rose his eyebrow as he catches Jeno reaching for Renjun’s hand under the table at lunch.
Jaemin started wheezing not-so-discreetly when Jeno pulled Renjun’s thigh over his, almost pulling him on his laps.
Renjun tried to pull away when Jeno’s hand was finding a point to rest around his waist as they were walking through campus.
Jeno acted a little out of the ordinary for sure.
He tried his best not to stare too much, not to touch him too much, not to focus on him like he was the center of the Solar System.
But at the end of the day, Jeno still waited for Renjun after class, still brought him all the food he wanted, still held his hand and still looked at him like he was 8th Wonder of the World.
Everyone saw the difference.
Everyone felt it, even the two high schoolers through their groupchat. It was embarrassing how clingy Jeno had become but physical attention and care was the only way he unconsciously found to deal with his feelings. Like a small bandage on his heart. It was a way to distract himself from the bigger problem and the fact that if he really felt something for his best friend, he would lose him for real. He could never risk their years-long relationship.
“What’s up with you ?” Renjun asked, once seated in Jeno’s car, on the front seat next to him.
Even if they shared the same major, they didn’t always have class at the same time. Renjun had a class late that evening but Jaemin and Jeno didn’t so the latter waited for the former, brought him hot chocolate and was about to drive him home. Not without his hand naturally resting on Renjun’s thigh.
It was domestic, a little too boyfriend-like to be best friend-like.
“The sky.” Jeno knew but he was buying himself some time.
“No, Jeno, I'm talking about the way you’re acting.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about” Jeno gripped the steering wheel a little tighter but tried to relax his other hand in order not to hurt Renjun.
Jeno knew what he was talking about. Renjun probably knew he knew.
“You always had been a little touchy. I know you like hand-holding and stuff and it’s fine.” Renjun started with a soft, measured voice. “Since I came back from China, you became even more…”
“Clingy ?” Jeno whispered, clenching his jaw.
“No, no I don’t mean it like that. It’s not bad ! Maybe more touchy ?”
There had been an obvious change in the way Jeno acted toward Renjun but both of them weren’t able to put words on it. Not when the right word would put their friendship at stake.
“Nothing wrong with that but I just think it isn’t… I don’t know. “ Renjun finished, his head low on his laps as he was staring at Jeno’s hand resting on thigh like it belonged there. So, experimentally, Renjun put his hand over his. It felt nice, their skins touching, the warmth blossoming in Jeno’s chest.
It would be so easy to confess right now. He just had to say those famous three words and that would be it. It could easily explain his behavior.
But Jeno didn’t confess. He couldn’t. He wasn’t ready yet. He wasn’t even able to come in face with his feelings in his head so how was it suppose to voice it ? What if he was wrong and didn’t like Renjun that way ? Maybe Renjun was still his best friend whom he missed when he was in China because they were best friends.
Instead of saying anything, he pulled his hand away from Renjun’s thigh, eyes focused on the road. Renjun frowned and shivered. Jeno grabbed his jacket at the back of the car and put it on his lap without a look at him.
“I will step back then. I didn’t realize I was overstepping boundaries. I’m sorry, I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable by being too clingy. I just think a part of me missed you a lot and… As your best friend I’m trying to express how happy I’m feeling that you are back. I’m sorry if it was too much”. Jeno rambled, voice a little colder than usual, very intelligible in the quiet car.
It made sense but Renjun had been back for almost three weeks. Jeno was obviously over it now but it was the only excuse he had found.
“I’m not going anywhere, you know.” Renjun answered with his softest voice after he put Jeno’s oversized jacket around himself.
“Yeah I know…” Jeno shrugged for good measure, his gaze still extremely focused right in front of him, away from Renjun’s sweater paws and beautiful face. “But I just had doubts that maybe you would like to go back to China, which would be understandable. I just wanted to enjoy you being physically here while you are.”
Nice save. Very smart save even.
The silence stretched as Jeno parked his car in front of Renjun’s apartment building. Renjun was about to give Jeno’s jacket back until the boy refused, still avoiding his gaze. “It’s cold outside, keep it. You can give it back tomorrow.”
“I’m not going back to China. I’m not leaving your side either. Don’t even dream about it.” Renjun declared as he exited the vehicle, welcomed by the cold wind.
Before he closed the door of the car, the chinese boy bent a little to catch Jeno’s eyes and said with an assured voice “And I have no problem with you touching me or being a little clingy. I like it.”
Then he closed the door and ran to his apartment building.
Even if Renjun said he was fine with it, Jeno still felt bad. He put his best friend in an awkward situation without even asking for his consent… He felt absolutely horrible. He was being immature, stupid and it was causing exactly what he wanted to avoid: an awkwardness between them, a change in their relationship that could possibly lead to the end.
Overnight, Jeno stopped. No more being touchy, no more clinginess. He stopped seating next to him, stopped looking at him and stopped waiting for him after his class. He put an end on their study dates and on their lunch date. He stopped lending him his collection of jackets and hoodies. Talking to him became too difficult as well so he stopped too.
Quickly, Jeno distanced himself from his best friend. He had done too much and was trying to preserve their friendship no matter what. He had to put space between until he figured out the bottom of his feelings and got over it.
Nonetheless, it didn’t take a genius to figure it out. Jeno knew exactly what he was feeling. His friends knew as well. They tried to talk with him, to help him but shy boy he was, he acted like it was nothing, just a small passing feeling.
Jeno knew something was up the moment he felt this hole in his chest where his heart was supposed to be when he dropped Renjun at the airport that day.
He knew something was definitely up when all he could think about was his best friend. He felt alone even in the crowd because his most important person wasn’t here next to him.
He realized he was in love with him when looking his smile made his heart race when it was only a picture. He accepted he was in love with his best friend when he took him in his arms after two weeks and felt complete, like he belonged next to him. He accepted it because there was no point at denying it: he was in love with Renjun, the only person who understood him on a deeper level.
His best friend and his platonic soulmate. How could he have let that happen ?
- ✩ -
“Stop demonizing yourself Jeno ! Being in love is great: you did nothing wrong.”
“But it’s him and..I’m me. And…”
Jaemin frowned, standing tall next to the couch where Jeno was sitting in Mark and Jeno’s shared apartment.
“Aw, that’s deep. You’re you and he’s him. I’m baffled I didn’t know !” He exclaimed, rolling his eyes in annoyance. Jeno glared at him and tried to explain himself for the umpteenth time this week since he started his ‘stay away from the love of my life’ plan. “He has been my best friend for so long, I can’t just… Love him like that.”
“Why that ?” Jeno could tell Jaemin was really annoyed, jaw clenched and crossed arms over his chest, squaring up his wide shoulders.
He was being a little passive-aggressive and bitter but Jeno was aware he probably deserved it a little. After all, his change of demeanor not only impacted Renjun and himself, it also affected their group of friends. So Jaemin was just trying his best to get Jeno’s head out of his ass by showing an emotional reaction because Jeno was so empathic, caring and understanding. Seeing the results of the situation he caused on someone he cared about could possibly get him to do something about it.
“He has been my best friend for years ! I know he likes me but as a friend. Loving him romantically is like...betraying him ! He put his trust in me, to be his best friend forever, I can’t fuck up everything we build !”
“What I see is that you are being a fucking coward and a liar. You’re hurting him Jeno.”
It was brutally honest. Jaemin was mad at his best friend but he was also getting a little desperate: it was about his friends after all. It was his job to help them even if it meant telling them the ugly truth.
“I’m not lying ! I never meant to hurt him.” Jeno almost screamed but his throat was tight and tears were starting to gather in his eyes.
“The stupids excuses you gave him ? Are you kidding me ? He fucking believed you and now he thinks he did something wrong ! He is hurt because he thinks he is losing his best friend and he doesn’t know why.”
Jeno took his head between his hands and launched forward, hiding his face between his knees. He felt the couch move next to him before a hand stroked his back.“I’m not telling you this to hurt you Jen. We are all tired of this situation and Renjun and you even more. Just talk to him okay ? You don’t have to confess but please, for once, follow your heart and stop demonizing yourself or thinking love is wrong because it isn’t. Love is amazing, a unique blessing and you shouldn’t see it as a burden.”
Jeno let out a sob as he wiped away a single tear rolling on his cheek. Jaemin softly pulled him against his chest, arms secured around him, still stroking his back as he continued with a soft voice.
“If you decide to confess, it won’t change anything.” Jaemin whispered, reassuring. “You guys’ bond is way stronger than that. Any type of love is good and I’m sure you will be able to talk this out and find the right kind of love for you two.”
The small sobs quietened down in the silence of the room. Jeno pulled away from his best friend’s embrace but his eyes were still low as he opened his mouth with a quiet voice.“Do you think… He will hate me ?”
“No, of course no, Nono.” Jaemin ran a hand in Jeno’s disheveled hair with a smirk for his -bad- pun. “It’s Renjun we are talking about. The guys broke his Iphone last summer and he ended up being fine about it.” Jeno smiled shyly at the souvenir: last summer was a mess but it was the best kind of mess. (Renjun’s old Iphone would say otherwise though.)
“It isn’t about an phone now.” A line appeared between Jeno’s brows, he was visibly still upset, his voice low. “It’s feelings”
“Yep and it’s human. It’s fine and completely valid to have feelings, even if they are for your best friend. Just talk with him. Be honest. He will love you anyways.”
“Not like I love him.” It was the first time Jeno voiced at loud that way, like a known fact. Usually his friends and him danced around the subject, Jeno avoiding the big word in case it would burn his tongue and his heart.
“That’s for him to say.”
- ✩ -
It took a few more day for Jeno to act and for Renjun to have enough. A rainy Tuesday was all it took for Jeno to wait for Renjun after their last shared class of the day and for Renjun to pull him in a quiet corner.
“What is really up with you ?” Renjun started once he managed to get Jeno against the wall, without escape. He had guided him to this corner by the hand but retracted fast, like the contact burned him. Jeno, back against the wall, started sweating, his heart was so fast, entire being on fire.
“You haven’t talk to me in two weeks. You’re tensed and you’re avoiding me.” Renjun seemed to be looking for Jeno’s gaze that was directed to the floor in shame.“Is it something I said ? Something I did ?”
“Nonono, you did nothing wrong ! You’re not the problem, I promise.” Jeno said with urgency, widen eyes finally looking at Renjun. He was physically so close to him, Jeno could feel the heat of his body, his breath fanning on his face and the fragrance he wore. Renjun looked tired, brown hairs disheveled and eyes a little too sparkly as his figure seemed to be drowning in comforting oversized clothes.
He was so close yet so far because Jeno knew his best friend was unattainable in the way he wanted to reach him.
“Then what’s wrong ?” Renjun looked up, pouting so cutely that Jeno felt weak. The crease had appeared between Renjun’s eyebrows and Jeno didn’t even think before he rose his hand to cup the side of his head, caressing the small crease with his thumb.
“I-I’m…” Jeno stuttered as he was about to pull away, apologize and run away, until Renjun placed his hand over his, leaning the side of his head into his palm, closing his eyes.
“I missed you.” Renjun whispered for only Jeno to hear. The hurt and hopelessness in his voice was tangible and Jeno felt incredibly guilty. It hurted more to know that Renjun was in pain and that it was his fault.
“I missed you too.” Jeno spoke with a low voice to hide the shakiness of his voice. “So much.”
“Then why ? Why did you leave me ?” Renjun sounded so heartbroken it broke Jeno’s heart again. “I’m sorry.”
“I know.” Renjun whispered in a breath, with a quiet voice before he opened his eyes again, gazing straight into Jeno’s eyes. “But I need explanation.”
“I’m sorry… I’ll explain, just not here.” Jeno whispered hesitantly, eyes scanning around them with shyness.
“Let’s go to my apartment okay ?” Jeno hummed as an agreement but his breath got caught up in his throat when Renjun took his other hand, intertwined their fingers and pulled him in the light behind him.
- ✩ -
Renjun, Donghyuck and Jaemin’s shared apartment always had been a safe place for Jeno. When he knew Mark needed calm or that he wasn’t in a good mood, he would head to the other apartment and be met by the soft scent of cinnamon, cologne and clean laundry. It always felt welcoming, a little like home. Even more when Jeno was greet by Donghyuck’s bear hugs, Jaemin’s smiles and Renjun’s calming presence.
When he entered their shared apartment that rainy Tuesday, it was empty but the recomforting and familiar smell lingered. However, it felt different: the usual loud laughter of the three boys didn’t resonate between the walls and the yellow light shining through the bay window was dark grey.
“I think a storm is coming.” Renjun declared as he took off his shoes next to the door, finally letting go of Jeno’s hand to then take off his jacket -Jeno’s jacket-.
“That’s mine right ?” Jeno asked, directing his chin to the jacket.
“Yeah..” Renjun turned his back to Jeno to pull the curtain close, his voice equal. “ I didn’t have the occasion to give it back since you ignored me and avoided me.”
“I’m sorry.” Jeno’s eyes followed him in the room, admiring him. Renjun walked like he was dancing in the room, with a lot of grace and finesse. He sat on the couch, his legs under him, his voice was still perfectly even. “It’s fine.” Renjun shrugged, his eyes staring straight at Jeno’s unmoving figure as he continued. “I would say I understand but I actually don’t.”
“I’m sorry. Really sorry.” Jeno murmured but Renjun catched it and waved him off. Instead, his burning gaze still on his best friend, the chinese boy patted the couch next to him to invite him to sit. It was weird since Jeno usually didn’t have to wait for permission to move in his best friends’ apartment. After all, the group of boys lived after the saying “mi casa es tu casa”. But today in the small living room, Jeno felt awkward, out of the place.
Renjun must have felt his discomfort because the corners of his mouth turned slightly as he tilted his head to the side, still patting the spot next to him. Jeno shook his head to get out of his thoughts and took a few careful steps closer like Renjun was going to disappear if he got closer too fast. The boy wanted patiently, nodding encouragingly as Jeno finally sat next to him but not too close, almost out of arm-reach on the small couch.
“So what is going on ? And how can I help you ?” Renjun started, frowning, very serious and concentrated.
“You can’t help me. There is nothing to do.” Said like that, it sounded really dramatic. After all, like Jaemin said it was human, it was feelings. But Jeno was taking it to heart because Renjun became his heart and he couldn’t lose him.
“What happened Jeno ? I’m dead worried, have been for a while. Since I came back from China...um- and since we talked that night. I’m sorry if I hurt you. I didn’t mean it like that.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong Junnie.” Jeno avoided his gaze by staring at his hands on his knees.
“Then what’s going on ?” Renjun asked again, scooping closer. He seemed to hesitate to touch Jeno, suddenly aware that something had changed between them.
It was the moment, Jeno had to tell him. They could solve the situation together. Their bond was stronger.
“I love you.” Jeno said in a whisper with a low shaky voice, still looking down.
From the corner of his eye, Jeno could see Renjun frown harder but he seemed to tense too as he said slowly. “Um…What ?”
“I love you. So much...” Jeno stated, voice still careful but he looked up and stared straight ahead, still avoiding Renjun’s eyes on his face.
“And I love you too Jeno.” Renjun interrupted him, finally reaching to touch Jeno’s hand that was still resting on his laps. At the contact, Jeno shook his head in disbelief as the heat rose to his cheeks “ I told you : I’m not going anywhere, I’m staying here.” .
“No Jun. Not... Not like that…” Jeno took a deep breath, turned to finally look at Renjun in the eyes before continuing.“ While you were gone I felt like I was missing a part of my heart. When you’re here I feet like my heart is singing for you, I feel so happy and complete when you are next to me. You’re so important to me Junnie. I love you. But not like a friend would.”
No word from the other boy, just widened eyes and red ears. Renjun looked taken aback, confusion seemed to swim in his eyes. So Jeno had to continue, letting the words flow from his heart to his mouth, switching his hand under Renjun to intertwine their fingers together. They were going to get through this together and find the right type of love for them.
“I care about you so much, that’s why I didn’t tell you how I felt. I was scared it would put you in an uncomfortable position. But at the end of day, you’re Renjun, my best friend and I couldn’t not tell you about it.”
Jeno let out a long breath he didn’t even realize he was holding. “So now you know but please don’t feel entitled to reciprocate or force anything just because I’m your friend. I will always be your best friend as long as you want me too. I wanna stay with u forever if possible. I... I just love you also in a different way but it doesn’t have to change anything “
The silence stretched, his words resonating in the living room. Jeno, still looking at Renjun, saw a myriad of emotions follow one another on his face before Renjun finally settled. He opened his mouth slowly, cheeks a little pinker than usual but his ears a deep red color. “Well it kinda does.”
“No Junnie, it doesn’t ?” Jeno sighed, a little panicked. He had to save their friendship no matter his feelings for his best friends. It meant making sure Renjun didn’t force himself into something he didn’t truly want just for Jeno’s sake.
“It kinda does change something because I think I… I have feelings for you too.”
“Not..”
“Jeno, just let me explain…”
“Junnie no…” Jeno murmured with sympathy.
“No you’re not gonna start doubting my feelings !” Renjun rose his voice as Jeno stared at his earnest expression, with a ounce of pain behind it. “I have feelings for you. For real. You always had been my safe space. You always been there for me, by my side. You understand me like no one else can. You always had been my soulmate…”
It was Renjun’s turn to let out a pained deep breath, which gave goosebumps on Jeno’s arms. But he was frozen, just staring at his best friend’s face as his brain was doing its most to process his words.
“I always felt something more than friendship for you but I always suppressed because the thought of losing you....was too unbearable. You’ve been my best friend for so long I never thought you would… See me like that ?” Renjun’s voice almost cracked but he went silent before that, lowering his face to look between their intertwined fingers and the old fabric of the couch.
It was a lot to take in for Jeno, who, too confused to process everything, Jeno stood up from the couch, pulling away from Renjun hand to feel the cold air of the room. The sky outside seemed to have darkened even more like the atmosphere in the room.
“It was until you started acting like a real life perfect boyfriend.” Renjun smiled bittersweetly at the memory, voice now assured as he rose his gaze again to met Jeno’s from afar. Jeno, feeling a little idiot for standing still in the middle of the living room, turned around to avoid Renjun’s sparkly eyes and wrapped his arms around himself for comfort. “I tried to convince myself that it was normal, that my heart wasn’t beating for you. But the reality was that it had been for a while already…”
Renjun stood up too, walking around to get to Jeno. Staring at his face, he seemed to see what he was looking for since the corner of his lips tilted up and he reached to cup Jeno’s cheeks, redirecting his gaze to him. They were standing still in the living room,
“Renjun…” Jeno murmured as he leaned into his touch, eyes fluttering shut..
“I-..I definitely feel something for you. It always has been strong since high school and I know I can’t ignore it anymore…”
“Would you like to go on a date with me ?” The two boys asked at the same time.
Cheeks flushed, both pairs of eyes widened before they both smiled brightly at the other, sparkles in their eyes. Renjun let a small laugh escape his lips and Jeno couldn’t help but stare. “You’re so beautiful.” Jeno thought out loud, pursing his lips in embarrassment as his cheeks took a crimson color. Even with a flaming body, Jeno couldn’t look away from Renjun’s adorable face.
“You can’t say that and look at me like that and except me not to kiss you.” Renjun whispered, with a smirk but sounding almost out of breath.
Jeno laughed at his words to hide his embarrassment, his jaw still between Renjun’s hands. Renjun was staring at him with so much adoration, so much fondness that Jeno couldn’t hold his stare anymore.
“How about we do that date now ?” Jeno suggested, looking everywhere except the boy in front of him whom smile only got bigger by the second.
“I would like that.”
- ✩ -
After a few weeks of dating Renjun, Jeno decided that if being in a romantic relationship with him was this easy, there was no way he would date anyone else ever.
It had been five weeks since they started actively seeing the other as potential lover and not just affectionate best friend. They took their time to feel comfortable in this new evolvement of their relationship, to the point that after a while, Renjun stopped pulling away from embarrassment when Jeno wrapped his arm around his waist. Oh no, he now leaned into his touch, if he wasn’t the one to initiate it, by putting his thigh over Jeno’s when they sat next to each other at lunch.
(Their best friends were living a nightmare.)
Other than that, things didn’t really change. They still communicated via eye contact, read the other mind, fought over trivial things and laughed as their inside jokes no one else was able to understand. Now, they just hold hands, stared lovingly at the each other and go on dates. Study dates, lunch dates, facetime dates, just cute vibing dates.
Jeno still ordered hot chocolate for Renjun after his late class, except now it was Renjun who drive them to Mark and Jeno’s shared apartment for their weekly date, already comfortable in Jeno’s hoodie. They cooked together, chatted about whatever and cuddled a little closer than usual with a movie as background noise.
It was one of those night, two boys under a blanket in front of a show they started together. Jeno had almost his entire body pressed again Renjun’s side, almost falling asleep on his shoulder as his arm was wrapped around Renjun’s small waist to get him impossibly closer.
“Eh, you big baby. You’re crushing me.” Renjun whined as Jeno sleepily nuzzled where his shoulder meet his neck, almost on the other boy’s laps.
“Hum...Tired.” Jeno grumbled in his neck.
“Nono, wake up.” Renjun murmured in his ear, soft voice almost pleading.
Jeno wasn’t really sleeping, almost but not there just yet. He was too tired to open his eyes and just hearing Renjun’s voice and heartbeat was calming him down in the best way possible. He felt warm, pressed against the boy he loved, using him a little like a teddy bear.
Renjun scoffed under his breath but seemed to slightly moved under Jeno’s arm. Switching under his grasp, Renjun took Jeno’s head between his hands to pull him away from his neck. The sleepy boy kept his eyes closed, letting the other boy stroked his cheeks and stared at his face all he wanted if it meant he could feel his warmth a little longer.
As Jeno was finally letting go of his last ounce of consciousness to fall asleep in Renjun’s arms, he felt something soft pressed on his right cheek. Featherlike, he thought he imagined it until the softness landed on his lips. It lasted a few seconds but it was enough for a firework to explode in his chest.
The plush softness was gone before Jeno shot his eyes open. “Hi ?” Renjun beamed at Jeno’s widened eyes and red ears.
“You…” Jeno was dumbfounded, mouth agape. They never kissed before. It was their first kiss. And Renjun initiated it. Renjun kissed him.
Still smiling brightly, Renjun stood up from the couch to walk away from him backward, visiby mocking him.
But Renjun was wearing Jeno’s hoodie. It was a tiny bit too big for him, giving him sweater paws and making him look so cuddly it hurted. “Come back here.” Jeno felt a hot flame warm up his heart and the only way he found to let it explode in a firework again was to pull Renjun by his sleeve on his laps, pressing his lips against his. His hand found his hip as the other rested on his elbow to keep him close as he enjoyed the feeling of Renjun’s soft lips against his.
“I love you.” Renjun whispered against his lips, hands wrapped around his neck to keep him close.
Jeno felt a wave of warmth running through his body. Both of his hands rose to Renjun’s face, cupping his jaw before parting from their kiss to stare at him with big surprised eyes. “You do ?”
“Hum…” Renjun nodded before diving again, sealing their lips together tenderly.
“Since high school huh ?” Jeno recalled playfully, pulling away to pepper his entire face with kisses. It made the boy laugh, throwing his head back in his adorable laughter. Naturally, Jeno buried his face in his neck, lips attached to his skin. “Shut up Jeno and kiss me.” Renjun whimpered, his hands pulling at his lover’s hair. Jeno parted from his neck but didn’t oblige right away. Oh no, he prefered to take in his disheveled brown hair, slightly irrregular breathing, pink cheeks and sparkly eyes. He looked gorgeous, out of this world. Jeno felt so lucky to have such an amazing best friend and now boyfriend in his arms.
“I love you too.” Jeno pronounced slowly but confidently, smiling brightly at the boy patiently staring at him on his laps. Renjun flushed redder at his words before cupping Jeno’s jaw and kissing him lovingly, smiling into it.
- ✩ -