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It’s midnight when Jaejin opens his window to be attacked by torrents of rainfall pelting on his face. Bad decision. He clearly knew what he was going to get.
Retreating from the mini emergency caused by his profound instinct and stupidity, he smashes the windows shut and wipes the droplets off his face. Maybe he just wanted to get a clearer view of the surroundings outside. He was lucky enough to buy a spacious apartment facing the sea after all; he should at least be able to enjoy the beautiful sight of the ocean, not a blurry dark-white mist like hellscape of a mess- it’s equivalent to a lazily slopped up abstract painting.
But he still has to give abstract paintings credit for their artistic expression. You see, as an artist himself, Jaejin knows that a piece of artwork always hold some value towards its creator; after all, an artwork is a reflection of a creator, their own of statement to the audience. And for Jaejin, who can hardly express himself properly (or be called a human, really), is grateful for such a medium to exist, where he communicates his love for his dear sister through tints of oil paints. She has been the only one supporting him ever since their parents passed away.
He is envious of her strength to overcome things. Or he’s probably just a weak-willed coward.
He glances at the half-done painting of his sister gazing through the window. What is she looking outside? I don’t know, but it’s definitely not the blurry mess of rain obstructing the sea. She doesn’t deserve it. He probably does. Screw the ocean.
He looks at the paint on his hands. It’s late, time to clean up and sleep. He will fine-tune the details on the painting tomorrow.
Nearly two decades ago in Busan, he tells his dance crew Quicksilver that he is leaving in dreams of pursuing an idol life. A life of glamour. A life of fame. A life he, alas, never got to experience.
The day before departing, he heard his friend, Jaeduck, not the closest, had disappeared. The remaining crew members apologise that they couldn’t sent him off as a whole. It’s okay, Jaejin retorts, you will find him later, he’s gone to talk to the aliens. They laughed. Jaejin laughs.
And Jaeduck was never seen again.
Until, that is, when he sees Jaeduck on television on the first time since he failed his third audition.
And nothing else hurts so much that Jaejin bites down his lips, blood spilling out from his wound.
Jaejin wakes up to a new day. Weirdly, it’s still raining.
He, like any normal person does, pours himself a glass of water and switches on the television. He listens to the television as he makes himself breakfast.
The ambient atmosphere is shattered when the news decides to stupidly announce a big celebrity scandal right at 9.00 a.m. in the morning. Combined with the heavy pouring of rain the day is as strange as it gets.
Jaejin doesn’t really care when he’s only done making seaweed soup and he slumps onto the sofa with a bowl and spoon in hand. He doesn’t even get to register the comfort of sinking onto the couch when reporter solemnly announces-
“Former idol member, Kim Jaeduck, involved in a drug scandal.”
The second time Jaejin sees Jaeduck on television is when Jaeduck and his newly formed idol group (Sechkies, still dunno what that means) were performing to a large audience somewhere in Seoul. At that time, Jaejin had returned to Busan, dreams crushed and awry. He can only feel bitter jealousy as he watches his once dance crew member bathed in the success that Jaejin had craved for.
The final straw came when during the middle of School Byeolgok when Jaeduck was to perform his dance break. And what did he do? And what did he do?
Jaeduck swiftly places his right hand behind his neck as he boldly falls over and everyone cheers-
And Jaejin mashes the power button on the remote control, flinging the poor piece of machinery across the room.
Jaeduck is performing the backdown dance. The backdown dance he created in Quicksilver. The backdown dance he was so proud of.
His backdown dance.
Bloody asshole.
As the years pass by, Jaejin’s thankful that he’s not an idol. Or a singer. Or a dancer. Or any type of entertainer in general.
His hatred for Jaeduck wears off when Jaeduck gets more and more worn out by his idol lifestyle. He feels guilty for that fact. Maybe he enjoys seeing someone that had robbed him of his dreams suffer? He isn’t sure. But Jaejin knows that at least, he doesn’t hate Jaeduck as much as he used to. Jaeduck doesn’t deserve it. He only regrets not being a better friend when he was younger.
Jaeduck hardly visits Busan. And when he does, Jaejin decides he needs to put aside his anger to welcome his friend along with the other members of Quicksilver. The first thing he notices is Jaeduck’s exhaustion reflected in his eyes.
“Are you okay?” A concerned friend asks.
“I’m okay.” Jaeduck sounds like he’s not okay.
They settle down in a restaurant together, discussing their current lives. Jaeduck, as the oh so shining idol, was given the lion’s share of the conversation.
He talks about his hardships prior to his debut. How he needs put up with his leader’s strict temperament. Teach everyone to dance because he’s the only one who has experience in dancing. Drill the hell out of his vocal chords. Getting rid of his thick Busan accent. And when he’s finally up on stage, despite all the thrill, endure performing in uncomfortable costumes for an hour straight. And the stress of being dragged behind due to their rivalry with another popular boy group who had debuted even before them.
“Wonder if it’s even worth it anymore.”
If he heard those words now, Jaejin might have given an empathetic nod to Jaeduck. But his younger, more fiery self, fresh from Jaeduck’s unknowing betrayal towards him, shoots his idol friend a death glare. Jaeduck flinches and Jaejin follows it with a loud hiss. Everyone looks at him.
Ah shit. He’s got too caught up in his rage.
Jaejin, embarrassed, excuses himself to go outside for breather. He stares at the light rain and smells the faint scent of wet earth and flowers.
He thinks. He decides he doesn’t want to think. He stares at the dissipating ripples on the ground. He observes his fragmented reflection.
He hears the tinkle of bells when the restaurant doors open but he doesn’t look up. He only looks up when the figure sits down next to him. Jaeduck has a nice glow-up ever since he left Busan.
“Jaejin-ah.”
“…”
“Long time no see.”
“Yeah.”
“You’re crying.”
“Huh?” Jaejin uses a finger to wipe the bottom of his eyes. It’s sticky with tears.
There’s a long pause between them. Jaejin focuses on the pitter-patter of the rain to divert his embarrassment somewhere else.
“Uh. Sorry.”
“What are you sorry for?” Jaejin sounds a little riled up.
“You must have been feeling angry at me-”
“I said, what are you sorry for?”
“Leaving you behind.”
Jaejin doesn’t want to question Jaeduck further. But Jaeduck continues explaining himself.
“I also wanted to become an idol. But my parents didn’t allow and… You know what nevermind-”
“What.” Jaejin’s trying to sound as annoyed a possible, but he wants to know the whole reason for Jaeduck’s action. Might be just pure passion. But he needs to hear everything from Jaeduck. For closure’s sake.
Jaeduck suddenly becomes a little shy, tapping his fingers on the wooden boards of the floor coquettishly and scratching his cheeks for no reason at all. Jaejin’s a little confused.
“You know, I’d had confidence that you’d be able to become an idol. I wanted to surprise you, like, um, if we happen to be in the same industry, combined with my family’s disapproval… So I decided to leave on my own. Didn’t expect… you… wouldn’t…” Jaeduck sounds like he wants to say something, but he’s to choked up on guilt? Shame? Jaejin can’t read his expression.
“I get it if it’s for family reasons, but to meet me in Seoul? Isn’t that a little too much to expect?”
“Jaejin-ah, it’s a little embarrassing, but I thought it would be nice if we could pursue the same dream together. I feel happier to be with you.”
“Tsk. And you’re the one who could get there. Save your friendship excuses for next time. I don’t really care anymore.” Short and direct. Enough to bring Jaeduck to his senses.
He stands up to leave Jaeduck abruptly, pretending to ignore the small little “wait” at the corner of his ear. He enters the toilet, because it’d be weird to rejoin his friends at the table without Jaeduck.
He feels like he’s done something quite wrong. He doesn’t really know what’s wrong, though. He leans forward on the sink to wash his face. The toilet’s cold because of the rain.
And when he comes out, Jaeduck has rejoined his friends for lunch, he thinks.
Jaeduck has disappeared, his friends say.
On the way back from his first painting session a decade ago, Jaejin remembers fighting the wind and rain with his feeble, unreliable umbrella. It is as difficult to control as the oil paints and brushes he tried to use for the first time. But he is a fast learner, and that is okay.
He is soaked from head to toe when he finally finds the correct key to his door and stumbles clumsily from the lack of friction between his wet socks and the glossy tiled floor of his apartment. He feels like a wet sock himself, and cringes at the thought of it.
As he cleans himself up, he switches on the television, giving him something to listen to while brightening his apartment up. Rain makes everything darker, and he needs to give the shade a little bit more highlights.
Coincidentally, right when he slumps down onto his sofa, the television screen flickers a little, before playing a short clip of a world globe spinning accompanied by cheesy and dramatic sounding orchestra music. Just in time for the evening news, Jaejin muses, wolfing down his convenience store-bought sandwiches.
He hardly gets to register the stale taste of the sandwiches when the reporter announces-
“Former idol member, Kim Jaeduck, has come out as homosexual.”
Everything has been a spiral downwards ever since his parents died and when he ran away from military. Like a vortex in a sink. Like he’s staring at the sink in the toilet when he was twenty in that restaurant. He feels so wrong everyday everywhere, like time has stood still in his life, pausing at that moment of torture.
Take up painting, his sister tells him. She’s so beautiful when she tells him that. Hardly perturbed by their parent’s death. She knows she needs to move on. Her brother needs her.
Jaejin cries. What an amazing older brother he is.
Shortly after he’s discharged from the military, Jaejin is surprised by a familiar face.
“Long time no see.” Jaeduck smiles at him weakly. It’s the first time they met in six years.
“Oh, hi.” Jaejin replies awkwardly. Oh shit, he cusses silently. (Not in “I hate him” way per say, but in his moment of awkward panic.)
“Uh, drinks?”
“Um, okay.”
He hates how the both of them are reduced to mumbling little girls when they’re around each other.
At the store, he likes how beer opens the both of them to each other better.
“How are you doing?” Jaeduck asks.
“Okay.” Jaejin sounds like he’s not okay. But Jaeduck, that observant ass, points it out indirectly.
“Are you coping well?”
“Yeah. My sister encouraged me to take up painting. She says my drawings are good and that I have potential to be an artist.”
“Oh, I’ve seen your drawings in middle school. Really nice. But you’ve always seemed to pursue dance more. But now you’re hardly dancing.”
“I’m becoming old and unfit.”
“Dude, you just got out of military! And you call yourself unfit? Wow.”
“Why do people always think that you’ll always be fitter when you get out of military? We don’t dance in military. Imagine dancing to fight in wars. I don’t understand.”
Jaeduck laughs. “Typical Jaejin.”
“Huh?”
Jaeduck laughs even harder. Jaejin doesn’t quite get it, but he too finds himself chuckling a little.
“How about you?” Jaejin unexpectedly starts the conversation this time.
“Me? Ugh, life’s getting worse.” Jaeduck grins sombrely.
“Hmm?”
“It’s hard to keep up with the younger generations of Korean entertainment. Life is progressing so fast, it’s hard to believe that it’s been ten years ago that I was at my prime like them. Now, it feels like I’ve fallen behind. Scraping for every opportunity to climb up. I’m no longer in my youth. I’m already feeling the pressure.”
Jaejin nods empathetically.
“Jaejin, you’re lucky.”
“Eh?”
“You’re lucky that you’re not in the entertainment industry. It’s a warzone, and the battle is getting fiercer every day. And every star will lose it shine eventually after reaching their highest point. Especially for someone old like me, who doesn’t know when my comeback for J-Walk will come. I’m glad you don’t have to suffer like I do.”
Jaejin feels a sharp pang of guilt when he hears Jaeduck say it. “Why?”
“Why what?”
“You’ve known I have always been jealous of you. Well, I’ve even hated you for a period of time. Why are treating like this? So nice?”
Jaeduck flinches like he did when Jaejin gave him that death glare years ago. “Oh yeah, I haven’t had the chance to say it.” His eyes seem to drift away somewhere, but he gives himself a determined shake to calm himself down.
“Say what?” Jaejin’s puzzled at Jaeduck’s fluster and resolve.
“I love you.”
And he hears the heavy shower of rain starting to pour.
Jaeduck looks as youthful as he was, ten years ago.
Jaejin switches on the television just to see Sechkies’s concert on their newly released album, Special Album. What a creative name.
A few months had passed since Jaeduck’s daring disappearance from the restaurant. And dare he says daring, because Jaeduck was found only ten minutes later at the playground nearby, sobbing his eyes out in the wet weather. Everyone looks at Jaejin.
“What?” Isn’t Jaeduck the one being a little melodramatic over here?
Now everyone thinks they have some sort of friction with each other. Jaejin doesn’t want to believe it. But now thinking about, their friction was always there to begin with.
So then after an uneventful reunion, life continued uneventfully for Jaejin. He attends school as per usual, and strengthens his reputation for being weird for one: failing to make a cut for the auditions, wasting school time and two: making Jaeduck cry. (It takes two to make a tango, though.)
So when Couple was being played to Jaejin on screen, life takes another turn for Jaejin, for the better or for worse.
Interestingly, Jaeduck is the first to sing.
The song is a heartfelt message about love; about two lonely people finding each other, reuniting as one.
Jaejin recollects on the girls he dated before. Two in total, each lasted less than a year. Love is a wonderful thing, but it’s too much of a fantasy for Jaejin right now. Everyone wishes for true love, but what people care about now is not the love- it’s the relationship. Which the song ironically betrays its message by its title, Couple.
Does Jaeduck care about love, too? What are his thoughts on it?
His soft tone in this song contrasts his angry rapping in the other songs. Jaeduck’ voice seems so soft as if it could melt. Too soft for comfort. As if he was craving.
Jaejin wonders how it is to crave as well.
Jaejin’s a little hesitant when he fishes out his umbrella and stands in front of the ajar door.
He ponders a little. His house feels a little emptier than usual.
He chooses to walk out into the thunderstorm today.
Four years ago, Sechkies finally made their comeback. Jaejin feels a little happier for them, after their last disbandment sixteen years ago. They are finally getting the limelight they needed.
They are invited to a variety show to discuss their experience with the comeback. Jaejin tunes in idly for support.
“Sechkies have been met with positive reception! When I see so many light sticks among the audience and hear them cheering… I feel very touched.” Jiwon places his hands on his chest. He seems very motivated.
“There has also been a lot of positive comments in our social media as well,” Sunghoon adds cheerfully.
“Was there any backlash to your comeback as well? I heard Jaeduck has been dealing with some hate recently. Do you mind sharing?”
Jaeduck scratches the back of his head. “Ever since I announced that I was gay, yes, I was met with some backlash. The hate can get overwhelming sometimes, but I’ve learnt to ignore it.” He ends it with a reassuring smile. There’s an edit of a little circle of shine around his face.
“There’s also a rumour about you having feelings for a person for two decades. Twenty years! Is that true?”
“Really?” Jaeduck laughs even though he’s being pushed to an uncomfortable territory “Isn’t it too much?” His other bandmates laugh.
The producer flashes a picture of his Twitter post over a year ago.
“Its so turing, looving someone fo 2O ywerssss…”
“I was drunk! I swear I was drunk!” Jaeduck leaps out of his seat immediately, defending himself. There is animated clip of fire burning at the side of him.
“Jaeduck, you even wrote 20 as “2O”! No one does that!”
“I was drunk! I didn’t know what I was writing.” He exasperatedly points towards the producer in exaggeration. “Change the picture!”
Jaejin can’t remember what they squabbled about after that. He only knows after ending with Jaeduck looking defeated, Jiwon saying, “Duckie fighting!”, then they move to a topic. He can still remember how painful Jaeduck looks even though he is smiling, like he’s trying to contain something from the verge of erupting.
He doesn’t want to believe that Jaeduck had loved him for twenty years.
He can’t deny it’s true though.
Living by yourself is especially lonely. His sister has gone on to find happiness with another man. He can’t just let her stay by him and drag her down. She deserves more happiness than he does.
And Jaeduck too.
Ever since Jaeduck came out as gay, more and more hate comments piled up in Jaeduck’s social media.
Jaeduck is a strong person. He feels useless for being observer.
They are both lonely. Waiting for another half to occupy them.
So Jaejin finally leaves a comment on Jaeduck’s post.
“Duckie fighting!”
“Hello.”
“Long time no see.”
“It’s been a year.” Jaejin gingerly steps into the hospital room. He’s soaked from head to toe after recklessly running through the thunderstorm to get to his car. He’s still wet despite the heater.
“How has it been like, for you?” Jaeduck questions softly. His voice is as soft as when he opens the lyrics for Couple.
“I’m about to finish my last painting for my gallery.”
“Unlike me, you’re accomplishing something.” Jaeduck smiles proudly. No jealousy, no anger. “Your sister, huh?” Now he sounds a little bit envious.
“Yeah. You passed the auditions though.” Jaejin states with a mocking, unemotional tone. It’s a light tease.
Jaeduck nudges him gently, “Aish. It’s been over twenty years. Anyways, you should be glad. I’ve always wanted a peaceful life. Stardom is tiring. Look at me. Took drugs, now admitted here. Don’t worry, I’ve been recovering.” Jaeduck smiles reassuringly when Jaejin flashes him a worried look.
Jaejin doesn’t know what to say. Jaeduck continues, though.
“You know, I’ve already made it so far. It’d be a waste to quit halfway. I don’t want to let anybody down. Or else I’ll be a disappointment. But I’m tired. I’m already a disappointment. Two months ago I thought it’d be better if I gave up. I don’t know where to go.”
Jaejin nods. He too, felt like that ten years ago. Nowhere. No one.
“Jaejin-ah.”
“Huh?”
“You’re crying.”
Jaeduck is strong. He is weak.
He doesn’t need to feel the tears. He feels like a pathetic observer. He can’t help.
“Jaejin-ah, don’t cry.”
He’s not the one on the hospital bed. He doesn’t need to cry.
“Jaejin…”
“Jaeduck-ah, I’m sorry.”
“Do you know why I decided to announce my sexuality to the public?”
“Why?”
“I felt like I had the strength to do so, after you rejected me and became my friend again.”
“Do you regret it?”
When Jaeduck first meets him in middle school, it was raining very heavily. Jaeduck could see the white droplets sliding down the glass windows of the classroom. It’s a cold and damp day. It’s the first day of school.
The classroom door creaks open. A boy is soaked from head to toe.
The teacher chides him, “Why are you so wet?”
He nonchalantly replies, “It’s raining.”
The classmates whisper, “He’s weird.”
Jaeduck thinks, I like him.
“No.”
His voice is gentler than he has ever heard before.
It’s midnight when Jaejin opens the window. It’s a light shower today, so he can still whiff the uplifting scent of salt from the ocean despite the wet earth smell. It’s a strange but pleasant combination of rain and sea.
The scenery outside is a little bit less chaotic today. In fact, the rain gives the surroundings a strange sense of peace and calm. It’s a surreal piece of art for the eyes, by itself.
Love too, is surreal, Jaejin reflects. It’s harder to express than an abstract painting, because the concept of love is even more abstract in its purest, rawest form. It's hard to water it down into a single piece of artwork. Hard to water it down into complex steps of a dance. Yet it is simpler than all of that.
Jaejin hasn’t married yet. He will find a partner when the time comes. For now, he is satisfied for his sister and her two children. He visits them occasionally, when he has time.
He visits Jaeduck occasionally too. Jaeduck has found a new boyfriend, too.
Jaeduck is happier, too.
The rain stops pouring. Jaejin looks at the paint on his hands. It’s late, time to clean up and sleep. He will continue laying the base colours on the drawing of Jaeduck tomorrow.