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it's always a battle.
whenever sana and momo lay in their bed and a single blanket spread open, the moment their feet gets underneath it; it was a struggle of whose side is more covered than the other. a constant tug of war, only to end up with sana's arms wrapping around momo's instead, and that is the other battle that sana strives to win everyday. with momo vehemently removing sana's draped arm around her waist. the disputed blanket lay on top as if the furious battle for it didn't take place, underneath was two figures who were fighting to mold to each other as if in the beginning they weren't meant to be as one.
but tonight is different.
no matter how light momo's tugs were, there was no inch of restraint from sana. there wasn't even a complain when momo completely took the blanket off sana. sana just curled into a small ball, and there was a pang of worry that grows inside momo. momo grew remorseful and placed the blanket on top of sana. the room was cold, but momo definitely felt colder than the ambient temperature. she never felt sana as distant as this before. a little hole was caving inside but it didn't matter, maybe tomorrow is a lot better, right?
momo woke up with the blanket on top of her, and the other side of her bed oddly empty. sana always waited for her to wake up, no matter how late they would be. maybe sana needed to head off somewhere really early and didn't want to wake her up. but momo knew, deep inside, that these are poor excuses. they're clearly falling apart, she doesn't know how to prevent a fall out.
"i hope you liked my gift! a blanket so you don't have to share with momo." jihyo excitedly beamed to sana as she handed her a box. but jihyo's excitement quickly dampened when she saw sana's glossy eyes. she's certain that this has been one of the nights where sleep was more than futile. "what is this for?" sana lightly smiled, jihyo didn't answer and just engulfed sana in her embrace. she isn't the biggest fan of hugging, but sana is. there's nothing that could soothe the ache of being turned down for every attempt of affection with the person you've been meaning to do it with. jihyo isn't the cure, she doesn't intend to be, but at least she could alleviate. that's all that matters right now.
"how do you ask someone what's wrong?" momo asked nayeon as the latter played with her fingers. nayeon rested her cheek on momo's shoulder and looked up to her. "how do you ask a question?" momo sighed and scrunched her nose. "of course this is different." "no, it isn't." nayeon and momo's face were dangerously close, when a familiar figure entered momo's peripheral view. there was nothing but shock in sana's eyes. of course, it's always like this when it comes to momo and nayeon. touch isn't as aversing as it is. momo was frozen in her place for some reason, no matter how much she wanted to stand up and go to wherever sana is, her limbs were nothing but an immovable mess. her world was stopping altogether when sana walked away without throwing her a single glance, it stood frozen when she saw jihyo grabbing sana's hand.
being with sana felt like destruction, with her heart violently shaking, and her mind melting down to a gooey mess— momo feels like sana was pulverizing her core only to rebuild it with a new one. sana stumbles her foundation, and momo couldn't understand that. she couldn't even explain how sana's touch makes her fumble for words, that they came out worse than she thought; or how sana's hugs make her feel like she's choking in air, but every successful breath made was a wave of euphoria. sana's touch isn't revolting, it brings revolution to momo. she couldn't think of why and how. maybe that's why she chose to stay frozen in that place. at least her words wouldn't make her a mess in front of sana.
but honestly, a word from momo was all that matters. sana was waiting, but everything gets spent one day when left unchecked.
that night, momo felt eerily empty when sana showed up with a new blanket in her arms. momo wasn't sure if it was the hot surge of displeasure or the cold and biting realization that dawned to her— she's starting to lose sana. the moment sana laid on top of the bed, with the blanket surrounding her body, momo threw her blanket aside. she started pulling sana's blanket, but sana won't let go. momo pulled harder and when she found a small opening, she inserted her arm and wrapped it around sana's waist. momo pulled her closer onto her curved figure. "you have your own blanket, go away!" sana tried to unhook momo's arm around her. but the latter was stronger, with her every attempt to escape momo just held her tighter. if last night, the room felt so cold, tonight, momo could feel herself burning yet with comfort. her heart still violently shakes, but she feels that if her skin isn't melding with sana's, her world would stop altogether— it feels like dying.
"no." momo whispered as she rested her face on the crook of sana's neck. momo heard sana controlling her sobs. worry crept up to her system faster than lightning. she didn't know what the hell is she supposed to do. "sana talk to me." momo softly spoke to sana. but the latter just stayed still. "i don't like your blanket. please move back to mine." momo whispered and sana sobbed harder. "then go back to your blanket." "you're not with me in that blanket." "go call nayeon." momo cocked her eyebrow. "why is nayeon suddenly in the picture? do you want jihyo here instead? well boo hoo, i'm not letting jihyo come here." momo couldn't hide the distaste in her voice, her arms still tightly wrapped around sana. "am i not your friend momo?" sana sadly asked. momo was taken aback by her question. when sana felt momo's hesitance she immediately stood up. "you're not my friend sana." momo said. head still hung low. "that much i understood." but before sana could even open the door momo spoke. "i don't think i could simply be friends with someone that i want to marry one day." sana was stopped in her tracks. she could hear her heart beating. "well shit, i'm fucking this up might as well tell you this." momo took a deep breath and spoke again, with no inch of restraint. "nayeon's hugs are welcomed because they make me feel nothing. while you make me feel like flying and falling at the same time. you make me lose my mind, yet making so much sense, as if my very purpose in this world was being with you for the rest of my days. i'm scared that everytime you hug me, all i'm wishing was you'll never let go. i'm scared because i'm selfish when it comes to you."
momo was pleasantly surprised when she felt her bed dip. only to find sana laying on it. "you could've told me." sana's eyes were still shining from the tears, but with her flushed cheeks and shy smile— she could never fool anyone. "i was hurt. you're choosing nayeon over me, i felt like i have no place in your heart, like you didn't want me anywhere near you." "you have don't have to find a place when you clearly own it, sana." momo's ears were tinged red with embarrassment. but seeing how sana's eyes twinkle with delight, she could do this everyday or every night. "sana, whenever you hug me... don't surprise me that much. don't take my rejection as actual rejection, my heart still makes funny things whenever we touch." sana giggled and the vibrations sent chills across momo's spine.
they went underneath the covers once again, but this time they didn't have to fight for the blanket— not when all the warmth they needed belongs in their arms.