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It was just past one in the morning on a Thursday in April when the sunny persona Hoseok had been known for vanished. It was so far gone that anyone who had never met Hoseok would’ve thought he was always so cold. He had spent so long reading every pregnancy and parenting book he could get and keeping in mind the fact that after the first 12 weeks, the risk of miscarriage goes down significantly. So why at 16 weeks was he no longer a dad-to-be?
Why had life decided to be so cruel to him after being so giving? Maybe it was some form of balance. If he was allowed to live a dream life touring the world with his 6 best friends -- his found family -- and making people everywhere so happy then he couldn’t also have a happy family of his own. He would trade everything BTS gave him if it meant he didn’t have to sit in a hospital room watching his wife get an ultrasound and the room fill with silence. Fill with the absence of a heartbeat.
He watched, in shock, as a doctor tried to tell them that these things just happen sometimes. That there wasn’t a real reason so they couldn’t blame themselves. Y/N cried so hard she ended up hyperventilating before nurses gave her some medication to calm down and eventually fall asleep. That was the first of many nights that Hoseok spent awake just thinking.
They go home in the morning. Hoseok turned his phone on for the first time since reaching the hospital to a flood of notifications. Maybe sending a simple ‘she miscarried’ to the group chat and turning his phone off wasn’t a good idea, he thinks. Y/N didn’t turn her phone on. Her lock screen was from a maternity shoot they did, and it made her emotional on days when her hormones were acting up so there’s no telling how she’d react now. Knowing the date on the picture was just a random day and no longer a countdown to the most exciting moment of their lives.
Hoseok ignores all the messages, missed phone calls, and voicemails as he opens the group chat again. ‘We’re home’ is all he sends. He mutes all notifications and decides how to tell his parents. Y/N already told her own parents, she called from Hoseok’s phone and they were going to come over ASAP, the insisted despite her kind heart not wanting to worry them with the travel. Hoseok toyed with the idea of just pretending everything was fine and not telling his parents. He knew a vague text to his mother wouldn’t be the right choice. He had to call.
Pacing around the living room, Hoseok tries to steady his breathing. Y/N sleeping in their bedroom, far enough away that she can’t hear him walking back and forth. Under normal circumstances, she’d scold him for ‘wearing down the wood flooring’. They were told she’d be very tired as her body recovered. He’s slightly comforted by that. She isn’t crying or in pain when she’s sleeping.
He calls his mother like ripping a band-aid. It’s ringing before he knows he’s even done it.
Her voice comes through so excited and all the work he had done to calm down is worthless in a moment as he recognizes she’s expecting some good news.
“Eomma…” His voice quivers. She knew right then something was truly wrong. “Y/N miscarried.” The words he hadn’t said aloud yet. He swears he feels his heart shatter. He doesn’t really hear what his mother says to him. Something with the purpose of being comforting, laced with her own sorrow.
“Do you want us to come over?” She asks.
“No.” Yes. She knows what he means.
“I’ll arrange a trip now.”
He resists the urge to throw his phone after hanging up. Anger is part of grief, he remembers. He didn’t want to remember. But he did. Walking to his bedroom, he regrets the decision to make the nursery the room before the master bedroom and not the room after it. He stands, gazing at the closed door for a good 5 minutes as if held more than unused furniture now tainted with happy memories of a child that will never use it.
“Hoseok…” Her voice breaks his trance as she stands in the doorway of their bedroom. Her eyes are puffy, her cheeks are a blotchy red color, her hair is falling out of the lopsided bun she put it in the night before. He clears his throat before speaking.
“Do you need more Tylenol? The doctor said warm showers can help the pain.” He tries to remember everything he was told. Y/N shakes her head, a sad smile on her face as she sniffles. She could see how hard he was breaking, and she could see how hard he was trying to pretend he wasn’t. It only broke her heart more.
“Come hold me.” Her voice is soft. “Please.” Hoseok closes his eyes for a moment, trying not to cry, trying to be strong. He nods and shuffles over to her, prompting her back into the bedroom.
“Do you want --”
“I just want my husband to hold me.” She cuts him off as she gets into bed. Hoseok lays down beside her and pulls her into his side.
“My parents are coming over and yours said they’d call when they land.” He speaks softly, afraid that if he speaks any louder, he’ll scare the tears into dropping down his cheeks.
“I don’t wanna talk about it.” It. It. It. The miscarriage. The ‘it’.
He mutters an apology.
The visits from their parents come and go quickly. Y/N stayed in bed most of the time, leaving Hoseok to try and be somewhat of a host. No one expected him to be though. Their family mainly cleaned up, cooked some food, took care of whatever needed to be done. Including box up some baby-related items hanging around. They made sure to do that while the couple was not around. As moving a plush toy had sent Hoseok into a fit that ended with him crying into his mother’s shoulder.
They had a couple of dinners together, only a couple though. Both were just to force Y/N to socialize. Telling her that isolating will only hurt her further. Hoseok’s father took to constantly reminding him that he needed to be strong for Y/N. That her mind and her body were both unwell at the moment. Only a passing comment of acknowledgment for Hoseok’s own mental state during this time. ‘Please take care of yourself too.’ He reassures his father that he’s fine. But his father never saw him smile in the week he was there. Not even a fake smile to reassure his parents, the ones they always saw through but pretended not to. His lips never moved more than the few words he spoke required. Y/N’s parents stay a couple of days longer than Hoseok’s but soon the couple are alone.
The other members checkup frequently. Mostly showing up to the door since neither was very good at answering texts or calls. Bang PD even comes by a few times over the next couple of weeks. TXT even makes a couple of rounds. But quickly, it’s been a full month since that Thursday in April.
Hoseok had only had 4 full nights of sleep in the past month. All were because of medication which he decided he didn’t like. He said he hated how he felt when he woke up. When asked how it made him feel he withheld giving an extended answer. Refreshed. That’s how it felt to wake up after 8 hours of sleep. And he hated it. How could he feel refreshed when he just lost a child. When his wife began therapy. When his band was put on a break. How could he let himself feel refreshed? So, he didn’t take the meds. Said they were for tour anyway, when the jetlag was really bad. No one pushed further.
30 whole days later, Y/N was smiling. No one really knew if it was genuine. It reminded Hoseok of when they announced their relationship and through all the hate and death threats, she still smiled saying it didn’t outweigh their love. Everyone believed her until she broke down at the BigHit building when a specific death threat was too concerning to let her walk around without security.
Hoseok didn’t believe these smiles. Not for a second. He couldn’t believe she was truly enjoying the warm May sun on her face and the sound of birds singing outside their home. He couldn’t -- wouldn’t -- believe it.
Namjoon takes her to therapy. He hangs around the area to pick her up when it’s over. She was scared to drive herself and Hoseok wouldn’t go. Thus, Namjoon decided to take her to and from her appointments twice a week and come in to check on Hoseok after.
Hoseok didn’t appreciate it. He’d much rather everyone leave him alone. Including his wife whose smiles only infuriated him.
One and a half months after that Thursday in April, all the boys come over with food. Hoseok is in the home studio. He says he’s working on music, but Y/N has passed by a few times and only heard the sound of their baby’s heartbeat on loop. They hadn’t all come over as a group in a while. Usually individually or a couple at a time. They decided all 6 at once could be overwhelming. Y/N tries to assure them that Hoseok is still grieving, but he’ll be okay, and he’ll be back to himself soon. She says this partially for her own benefit. She’s not sure if she believes it and the guys are unsure as they see her eyes tear up before she’s even finished talking. She thanks them for coming over, making sure to go over some cooking instructions with Seokjin before they leave.
Shortly after the door closes, Hoseok comes into the kitchen. She doesn’t know if he just had good timing or if he had been lingering. She gives him a quick smile.
“The guys came over.” She tells him, but she knows he’s aware. The doorbell is very loud, and so are 6 men walking into your home. He mutters a response. “They miss you.” She sticks a dish in the fridge and starts unwrapping the warm one Seokjin made for that day. His willingness to cook is a blessing, Y/N thought every time he made sure their fridge was full.
“That’s nice.” The most common phrase over the past 6 weeks.
“I miss you.” Y/N looks up, meeting his eyes. He tilts his head slightly in confusion. It’s the most emotion she’s seen from him since that Thursday in April.
“I’ve been here.” His voice is monotone. She shakes her head, pressing her lips together in a thin line, taking a deep breath as tears already build up in her eyes.
“I miss...my husband. I miss the sunshine personified. I miss the man I fell in love with. I miss Hoseok. I want Jung Hoseok. Not this shell of a human that sits at the foot of our bed all night long.” She sobs with a bitter laugh as she thinks about how crazy she must sound. “I’m in pain, so much pain. And I know you are too. I can see it in your eyes how hard this is. But we can’t keep doing this.”
“I’m sorry.” Tears fall from his eyes. Y/N isn’t sure she’s actually seen him cry since that Thursday in April. She tells him not to be sorry. Mouthing words as she can’t get her vocal cords to make. He takes her hands. “I’m sorry I haven’t been the supportive husband I promised I’d be. You wanted a family so bad. We wanted a family so bad. And...I couldn’t give that to you. I failed.”
“All I ever wanted...is right here in front of me.” She cups his face in her hands, making sure he sees the sincerity in her eyes. “You didn’t fail. Don’t ever think you’ve failed.”
“How do we fix this?” He questions. “Tell me we can fix this…” He begs her.
“I have an appointment tomorrow. We can start there.” She suggests, he nods. “I love you.” Hoseok kisses her lips for the first time in a month and a half.