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Four and X were seated upon a grassy hill, watching the sun slowly sink beyond the horizon. Another contest had gone by and they now had a while to wait for the votes to come in. This was their leisure time and they wouldn’t have to worry about planning another contest for the next week, at the very least.
The fading glow of the sun tinted everything slightly pink. The technicolor sky, peppered with the occasional puffy cloud, made the world seem almost dreamlike. A subtle breeze carried the subdued, sweet scent of spring air. Anyone in this moment would’ve felt that the world, even for such a brief period of time, was perfect.
Anyone except X.
X should’ve been happy. The day’s contest went fine. He now had free time to do whatever he wanted, and witnessing a sunset like this was a wonderful way to spend the afternoon.
However, his mind couldn’t think of anything but the number sitting next to him.
X would say that Four was the root of many of his problems (no pun intended). Of course, he wouldn’t say that out loud. He couldn’t say anything that might make Four displeased. Every sentence was a roll of the dice when spoken near Four’s general vicinity. He just didn’t get it. Sometimes Four could be so kind, so loving, that X forgot every bad thing he’d ever done, and then, at the drop of a hat, Four’s whole demeanor could change drastically. This is usually what leads to Four scolding X.
Four doing that awful screech at X.
Four tearing off X’s limbs.
Or worse.
X doesn’t know what happened. He doesn’t remember Four being this way when they were kids. Well, numbers and variables don’t technically age, but “kids” seemed like the best way to describe them in his mind. He wonders if Four remembers those times at the equation playground. If Four remembers anything, or if his mind is so far gone that he couldn’t remember, even if he tried.
X looked up from his fingers, which were idly picking at blades of grass, to see Four’s iconic thousand-yard stare. He wasn’t looking at anything in particular, just staring off into nothing, like he usually did. The unmoving smile plastered on his face didn’t make it any more comforting. In fact, it probably did the opposite.
X wished he could know what was going on inside Four’s mind. He wanted to see past that soulless gaze and know what Four felt. And, worst of all, he wanted to know that Four still cared about him. X deeply loved this strange being and yearned for his approval. He wanted Four to think he was special. He wanted Four to tell him he was doing a good job. He wanted Four to give him a hug, a friendly pat on the head, or any sort of touch without the intent of hurting him. He wanted Four to-
“You’re staring an awful lot.”
That nasally voice spoke, breaking X’s reverie. The statement wasn’t meant to be mean or to tease X, it was just that; a statement. He was simply making an observation, and if his voice had any hint of playfulness, (like it usually did,) it didn’t actually mean anything.
X now realized that Four was looking back at him. His eyes no longer had that vacant appearance and there was clearly something alive behind them. Someone listening intently. X doubted it was intentional, but that look was even scarier than the blank stare. Being under Four’s conscious gaze meant he was trapped. Every word and movement X made would be scrutinized by the blue creature.
“Oh, sorry, Four. I was just lost in thought.” X’s lilting voice was less lively than usual. X knew this, and X knew Four knew this.
A brief silence fell between them. Silences were never exactly awkward with Four since they were a regular occurrence. Four just needed time to plan his next sentence; X and all the contestants knew that. For a seemingly uncontrolled, chaotic being, his speech was incredibly calculated.
“What’re you thinking about, X?” Four asked, that empty smile still spread across his face.
X wasn’t sure how to respond. This was the first time in a while that Four seemed like he might be genuinely interested in what X has to say. It didn’t help that the sun setting in front of them illuminated Four’s face in such a picturesque way, making X wish he could just reach out and hold him.
“... I want to know what you think of me.” The sudden confidence in X’s voice surprised even himself.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” For the first time in hours, the smile on Four’s face faltered, just slightly. His snarky tone was now vaguely hesitant.
X was getting what he wanted.
“I-... I want to know what you really think, deep, deep down. I want to know what goes on in your head when you’re doing that weird stare. A-And I don’t just want to know what you think, I wanna know what you feel! I have so many feelings about you, and I just-... I have to know if you feel things about me too!” Their usual dynamic somehow switched for a moment. X was confident. Four was confused and nervous. With each sentence, Four struggled to maintain his fake smile. His voice uncharacteristically quivered.
“Where’s all this coming from, X? What’s gotten into you?”
“Nothing‘s ‘gotten into’ me. I’ve been thinking about this for a while. I just wish I knew you, Four. I know we’re best friends, but... I don’t know why you hurt me. I don’t know anything about your feelings. Sometimes I don’t even know if you really like me, and I know that’s silly, but, I…”
The world itself seemed to pause for a moment as X took a deep breath.
“I worry that I like you too much and you don’t like me much at all.”
The smile on Four’s face completely dropped. X emotionally braced himself for whatever abuse might come next. But, instead of yelling, Four just turned his head to look down at the grass beneath his feet. His posture changed and he looked relaxed rather than unnaturally stiff. Just for this small moment, it almost appeared that he dropped his chaotic persona entirely. They sat in silence for about a minute. X wanted an answer, but realized it was probably best not to push him.
A smile spread across Four’s face once more, but it wasn’t quite like the last one. It was shaky. Unstable. The corners of his mouth wouldn’t stop twitching. If X looked close enough, it almost looked like there were tears forming at the edges of his eyes...
... And there were. X watched in shock as tears rolled down Four’s face. But Four didn’t sob or make any noise; the tears simply streamed down. His blue hands held a vice grip on the grass beneath them. He was still smiling throughout it.
“I haven’t been a very good friend, have I?” Four’s voice quavered. X had never seen him like this before.
“Oh my goodness, Four, I didn’t mean to-“
“No. Stop it. Don’t talk. Don’t, please, there’s so much noise-“ Four hardly managed to get the words out. His entire body was shaking, though X couldn’t tell if it was from rage, sadness, or a mix of the two.
Four’s smile finally broke and his hands flew up to hug his knees to his chest. He began gently rocking back and forth as the steady stream of tears continued to flow. X was speechless. This was a whole new kind of terrifying. There was little he could think of to say or do. He tried to ask himself, what would I want my best friend to do if I was crying? X did the only thing he could think of. He reached out to put his hand on Four’s shoulder. He would’ve liked to hug Four, but this seemed like a safer option.
Four’s rocking ceased. He didn’t lift his head to look at X, but it was obvious he felt the variable’s touch. It seemed to calm him a bit.
“... I wish I could... c-communicate better.” Four’s voice croaked, not sure of how to put these intense emotions into words.
“Even if I could tell you what I was thinking, y-you’d probably just be scared off.”
“What makes you say that, Four?” X gently asked, his hand still resting on Four’s shoulder, now rubbing his thumb in small circles.
“Nothing in my head makes sense. It’s all so uncomfortable. I do care about you, and you’re so special to me, X, but I keep having weird thoughts, and I feel like I have to act on them, a-and they just don’t stop— there’s so many ideas, so much noise, and-“
Four was nearly hyperventilating. X had to do something.
“Then tell me one of the loudest thoughts you’re having right now. I won’t judge you. Don’t second-guess it, just say it.”
“I want to hold your hand.” Four blurted out. X was pleasantly surprised. That seemed like a reasonable thought. He gently lifted one of Four’s hands and entwined their fingers together, resting them on the grass between the two beings. Four’s fingers twitched beneath X’s. He stared at X with a slightly dazed expression and damp eyes. The flood of tears was less intense now, at least.
“See? Now we’ve got one thought out of the way. That wasn’t so bad, right?” X said in his singsong voice, trying to make the conversation less daunting while still staying on topic.
“Yeah. You’re right.” Four played along.
Four tenderly tightened and loosened his grip on X’s hand, repeating that motion over and over.
“I’m sorry I’m not very good at talking about feelings.”
“That’s okay! Maybe the more we talk about them, the better you’ll get at it. But you have to promise not to screech at me or take my limbs off, okay?” X could only hope Four would take kindly to the suggestion.
“... Okay. That sounds like a good plan.”
Four had stopped crying. He was smiling, but it wasn’t the regular eerie one he wore. It was natural. Genuine. One of his arms still held his knees to his chest, but the other was at his side, letting his hand unthinkingly fidget with X’s.
“Hey, X?”
“Yes, Four?”
“I’m having another big thought, but I don’t know how you’re gonna feel about this one.”
X felt vaguely concerned.
“Well, I’m all ears, if you’d like to tell me!”
Four looked down at where their hands met.
“I wish you could kiss me.”
Any coherent thought X had was now gone.
They’d given each other a few kisses before, on the cheek or the forehead, but those were just friendly. They’d never directly asked the other one for a kiss; sometimes they just happened in a brief moment of excitement. This seemed more intimate. X felt like his stomach was filled with butterflies. He had to do something quickly.
X lifted Four’s hand towards his face.
“Tell me if you want me to stop.”
X pressed a light kiss to the top of Four’s hand. Four flinched, ever so slightly, but didn’t protest. X continued to leave multiple kisses on Four’s knuckles, palm, and wrist. Four eventually scooted even closer to X. He never asked X to stop.
X eventually moved Four’s hand away from his mouth and looked up. Four‘s expression wasn’t discernible, but the darker shade of blue that spread across his face was telling enough.
“Do you want more?”
“Yes, please.”
X let go of Four’s hand and instead held his head with both hands. He began leaving featherlight kisses all over his face. Four gradually warmed up to it, slowly snaking his arms around X to hold him in a loose hug. Four would let out embarrassed grumbles now and then only for X to giggle in response, then go right back to kissing.
Some time later, they realized it was night. The moon shined down on them and the air was now colder. Not that either of them cared, since they were both huddled close enough to be warm. X pulled away and admired Four’s dreamy expression, his pupils blown and his mouth twisted in a dopey grin.
X softly spoke, “We should probably get some rest.”
Four replied, “Yeah, we should.”
They held hands the entire way back home.
There was still a lot for them to work on, but X had a feeling they'd be okay.