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The first time it happened was after a game, it was Neil’s first year as captain since the upperclassmen graduated – and Andrew couldn’t even pretend he missed them, it was a relieve not to be obligated to deal with people who would never understand him, people who saw him as a monster and Neil as a saint even though they were more similar than everyone cared to think – , Neil was dealing with Kevin’s humour, their adversaries provocation – some of the ravens still thought that calling him the butcher’s son was a good idea – and the freshman’s disrespect, all of this with fierce eyes and a sharp tongue that couldn’t stay quiet.
It was supposed to be just another game, the raven backliner was calling Andrew a monster, but he couldn’t care less, he was shoving Neil around like a punching bag, and that was getting under Andrew’s skin, but Neil needed to fight his own battles, which he did, resulting in a punch in the nose and a red carded backliner.
Neil finished the game bleeding, but smiling proudly with another victory and a new enemy.
Andrew was at the goal, watching him from distance, and, not for the first time, he thought “I want to touch him”, and, for the first time, he thought “I want him to touch me too”.
Neil offered his hand to Andrew, he didn’t accept it, he went to the locker room, and to the roof, and Neil was there, smiling, silent, not touching him - not touching him because Andrew didn’t want to be touched -, Neil slept alone in his bed and didn’t complain, Andrew didn't even close his eyes.
The next day, Andrew kissed him after a sleepy good morning, Neil grinned, he asked no questions.
It took him a week, a whole week thinking about Neil, imagining Neil touching him, wanting it, being afraid of it – Neil wasn’t like them, but, what if Andrew hated him after that? What if it was too much?
Andrew could scream how much he hated Neil, but it wasn’t true, Neil knew that, everyone knew that, and he didn’t want it to be.
Opening himself to somebody for the first time was hard enough, he wasn’t ready to do it again, he couldn’t lose Neil, he couldn’t lose the only thing keeping him sane, keeping him alive - was he alive?
Andrew should know better than to want, people like him couldn't – shouldn’t – want anything, but he wanted anyway, and, goddammit, he wanted it so bad.
Neil noticed he was quieter than usual, he didn’t ask anything, but at some point he would - he would say something, give him something, he would not demand ‘cause he was Neil, and if Andrew refused to answer, he would wait -, Andrew didn’t want him to, so wednesday morning, when Neil returned from his run, Andrew was sitting on his bed, waiting for him.
“We’re going to Columbia friday”, he said.
“Okay, I’ll tell Kevin and Nicky. Aaron is coming with us?”, Aaron always went with them to Columbia, but Neil didn’t pretend to like him, he didn’t want him around, period.
But this time, Andrew had other plans.
“We, me and you, are going to Columbia friday”, he didn’t offer an explanation, Neil stared at him, and shrugged.
“Alright.”
And that was it.
Friday came faster than Andrew expected, he knew he was ready, for this moment, for this conversation, they were alone in the house, he was in the kitchen drinking cocoa while Neil complained about the empty fridge, when Andrew got up, Neil followed him to their room in silence.
“Andrew?”, he called, closing the door “Are you okay?”
And there it was, the question, Andrew shrugged.
“Bad day?”, bad thoughts, he couldn’t help but think.
“I want you to touch me.” that’s what he said, even though his mind was racing, even though his heart was pounding, his face was neutral and his voice steady.
“Where?”
“Wherever you want.”
Neil wasn't convinced, but he took a step closer.
"Guide me."
“Yes or no?”
“Yes”, Neil whispered, so Andrew kissed him, Neil opened his lips, inviting him, Andrew guided his hands, one on his neck, one on his waist, Neil slipped his fingers in his blond hair, but didn’t move the hand on his waist, even when he kissed Andrew’s neck, even when he shivered under his touch, he didn’t move his hands until Andrew moved them for him.
Neil looked at him, he didn’t ask but Andrew could see the question in his eyes: are you sure?
Andrew nodded, Neil kissed him, he bit his lips, and it was like fire in his veins, he wasn’t the most experienced boy he’d kissed, but he was Neil, he was gentle and rough, he was fury and pureness, he was nothing, he was everything.
He guided Neil above him, guided his hands to his thighs, and to his zipper, if Neil noticed his breath failing, his hands shaking, his jaw clenching, he didn’t mentioned it.
It was new to him, feeling hesitant hands touching him, asking, not demanding, receiving, not taking, Neil’s hands were hot, Andrew could feel it through his pants, he was slow, careful, and Andrew wanted it, he wanted it so fucking much.
But he should know better than want.
“Stop.” he whispered, and Neil was out of the bed in a second, just like that, as if he was never in this bed with Andrew.
He was panting, shaking.
“Did I..”
“No”, Andrew answered, ‘cause he did nothing wrong.
“I’m sorry”
“Stop it”, Andrew said, ‘cause it wasn’t his fault – it wasn’t Andrew’s fault either.
Maybe he was broken beyond repair.
“Do you want me to leave?”, Neil asked from distance, looking in his eyes, no lower, nor higher.
Andrew nodded, and Neil got out of the room, returning for two seconds to bring a bottle of water, closing the door and disappearing from Andrew’s view.
They drove back to the fox tower in total silence, a comfortable one, there wasn’t pain or pity in Neil’s eyes.
Three days passed until Andrew brushed his fingers on Neil’s wrist after practice, five days until Andrew hold his hands again, and a week before they could kiss again.
Never demanding, never taking, Neil sighed in relief and smiled at him.
“Stop it.”, Andrew said on the roof, expressionless as if their progress was nothing.
Neil didn’t stop smiling, but he really didn't have to, Andrew could never hate this smile.