Chapter Text
Rey sat at a table with several other members of what little remained of the Resistance and listened inattentively to yet another heated discussion between General Leia Organa and Poe Dameron. This time it was about planets that could serve as a suitable place for a temporary safe haven.
She couldn't remember what it was about last time or the time before.
They were all currently floating through space huddled wearily on the Millennium Falcon, which she and Chewie had landed on a large asteroid deep in the Outer Rim. She was unfamiliar with most of the systems they were discussing and, as such, had little useful information to add.
Truthfully, even if she had been knowledgeable enough to have an opinion, there was little energy left in her for arguing.
She heard Poe briefly mention Tatooine, and Leia’s incensed voice responded something about sand, someone named Jabba the Hutt, and a bikini but she was too tired to make any sense of that. It was clear enough that Leia did not want to go to Tatooine, but they would need a place soon.
They would need food and beds for everyone. There were simply too many of them for them to be comfortable crammed into such a small space.
In the three days since they had fled the surface of the mineral planet Crait, Rey felt like she must have worried enough for a dozen lifetimes and had barely slept at all. The little sleep she had managed to get had occurred while she was curled up uncomfortably on a dirty stretch of floor.
She was used to struggle and uncertainty, but nothing could have prepared any of them for the reality of fleeing from the First Order with a fighting force small enough that they could all be crowded into one small freighter.
Poe’s voice was rising, and Rey felt the beginning of a headache building behind her eyes. Tensions were high and even the most even tempered of them were losing their patience.
Discussions like these had been common since they had made the jump at lightspeed away from Crait and realized that by some miracle of the Force the First Order hadn’t tracked them. Lightspeed tracking was new, and frightening. No one was certain how aggressively they were being pursued, but everyone on board knew that finding a safe place to hide was a top priority if any of them were going to survive.
There would once have been many places in the galaxy that would have welcomed them, but with Leia’s distress call from Crait going unanswered, they were no longer certain if there were any places remaining for them to go where they wouldn’t be immediately handed over to the nearest stormtrooper.
Even with Starkiller Base destroyed, the people of the galaxy had been frozen in fear of the First Order’s might since the destruction of the Hosnian system.
Rey suspected that they might have a bit longer before the First Order began to search for them in earnest than the other survivors realized. The death of Snoke and the destruction of his dreadnought, the Supremacy, would probably have thrown the First Order’s leadership into disarray.
Still, she was hesitant to mention this to the others because there was always the chance that she might be wrong. There might already be probes and roving search patrols looking for them. If that was true, then not being cautious enough could get them all killed.
That, in itself, was a good reason to keep her silence but it was not the only reason she hadn’t spoken up. Beneath that very real concern, she admitted to herself, she was also not eager to explain how she knew Snoke was dead or discuss the events that had occurred in his throne room on the Supremacy.
She sighed and rubbed the slowly healing wound on her shoulder. Defeating Snoke’s Praetorian Guards after Ben Solo had killed Snoke had been no easy task, and she knew everyone would have questions about how she had survived. Questions she wasn’t ready to answer because she didn’t really understand it herself.
Ben’s behavior was sure to draw mixed responses and she knew she didn’t fully comprehend his motivations, despite the strange bond between them.
Though Leia might have welcomed news that her son had shown some mercy or compassion, Rey was reluctant to hurt her further with the knowledge that he had once again turned his back on the opportunity to return to his family. He had refused to turn away from the dark path he was on.
The others would simply not understand why Ben had turned on his master instead of killing her. Most of them knew him only as Kylo Ren and they hated him almost as much as they feared him. It was understandable because of his position as a leader within the First Order, if nothing else, but he had also seriously wounded Finn in combat and tortured Poe for information that could lead to Luke Skywalker.
She, too, had felt that same mixture of fear and anger after being taken by him on Takodona and then enduring his invasion of her mind and watching him kill his own father on Starkiller Base.
Sadness washed through her again at the thought. Han Solo had been kind to her, and she had been deeply saddened by his death.
Rey had channeled that anger and grief, and her newly discovered connection with the Force, when she had dueled with Ben in the forest before the destruction of Starkiller Base. Somehow it had fueled her enough that she had given him a lightsaber wound that had permanently scarred his face and chest.
How could she explain to anyone else that, somehow, it had been his invasion of her mind that had unlocked the Force powers she hardly began to understand? Or that she had now also been inside his mind and felt his torn emotions?
Through a bond neither of them understood she now felt closer to him than she had ever felt to anyone and she knew his pain and his conflict as well as she knew herself. She knew that Ben Solo still lived under the hurt and rage that made up Kylo Ren and that he had saved her life, but would anyone else believe her?
That was a complicated enough problem to contemplate and she certainly wasn’t prepared to examine too closely the feelings she had felt emanating from him in the Force when she had confronted him in the Supremacy’s elevator. Feelings about his own conflict, yes, but also about her. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat. Those feelings were intense, confusing, and personal. She was definitely not speaking to anyone about that.
His conflict, at least, she had once believed she understood. She had been so certain that Ben would turn. She had seen it and felt it clearly enough on Ahch-to that she had abandoned her quest to bring Luke Skywalker back to the Resistance from his self-imposed exile and chased her vision of his future straight to Ben on the Supremacy.
So clear was her conviction, in fact, that she had been more surprised when he asked her to join him, to turn her back on her friends and let the Resistance die, than she had been when she’d reached out across a galaxy and actually touched his hand through their bond.
Rey looked around sadly at the results of his decision. So many faces were missing, those who were unfortunate enough to be on the escape pods that were destroyed before Vice Admiral Holdo had split the Supremacy into pieces by ramming it at lightspeed with a Resistance cruiser.
The remainder of them were now facing a panicked flight into an unknown future.
Even now it hurt, a physical ache in her chest, whenever she thought of his anguished face as he realized she wasn’t going to join him. The pain of loss, and the sting of guilt.
For one shining moment, she had believed that she had been right and that Ben was really ready to toss aside his allegiance to the dark side and his identity as Kylo Ren as she had seen in her vision of his future. When he had killed Snoke instead of giving in to Snoke’s order to kill her, she thought he was going to help her save the Resistance. That he would come with her when she fled and be the hope the galaxy needed.
The joy she had felt in that moment was more intense than anything she had ever felt in her life.
Even once she realized that he was not ready to come back, and that he couldn’t yet face his mother or his guilt over his own past actions, there was part of her that still wanted to take the gloved hand he offered her. If she had, she was certain she would never have felt alone again and the temptation of that had been strong.
Almost too strong to resist. She had nearly reached out her hand to take his, given in to the naked longing and desperation she had seen in his eyes.
“Please,” he had whispered, shattering her heart. Only the sick waves of guilt she felt at the thought of abandoning her friends to die had stopped her. She had seen beneath the mask of the monster she had despised, and there was something undefinable about the way she felt about the man she had discovered beneath it.
She was drawn to him, despite his choices and their disastrous consequences.
She had left him alive after the Supremacy had been destroyed, when she had woken to find him still unconscious on the floor. Partially because she felt that the Force still had a use for him despite his stubborn insistence on clinging to the darkness, and partially because she couldn’t bear the thought of killing him.
She had returned his own lightsaber to his belt and fled in Snoke’s escape pod with the broken halves of Luke Skywalker’s now useless one. It was tucked away with the Jedi texts she had stolen from Luke, hopelessly cracked down the center from the equal power of her need to leave and Ben’s desire for her to stay.
His anger after she left was something she expected and, from the stories she had heard from those who had been trapped in the Resistance base on Crait, it had been a frightening thing to behold.
She had not expected to see that anger fade once more to sorrow and regret when the Force had connected them for the last time, just before she fled the planet with the last of the Resistance survivors.
Thinking about him now brought back strong memories of how his conflicted feelings had buffeted through her as she locked eyes with him for the last time. She almost thought she could actually feel his presence again for just a brief moment. Those same feelings of rage, confusion, and surprise that he had felt as he knelt before her on Crait suddenly washed through her again before it faded away just as quickly as it came.
Those feelings had pulled at her, she wanted to help him. Closing the bond on him had been difficult, but she had tried her best to reach him and she had been needed to help save other lives.
Lives that were expecting the people at this table to lead them. Poe and Leia were used to this, but Rey was not accustomed to the demands of leadership.
She glanced at the quiet man sitting in the seat directly opposite her own. Finn, too, was listening to the current discussion without offering much insight. He looked tired and frustrated by the lack of progress. She knew he was still overwhelmed by the many changes he had also experienced in a short time.
He had gone from runaway stormtrooper to Resistance hero in only a few short days. She was grateful for his presence, since it made her feel less alone knowing he was also having to make some quick and uncomfortable adjustments.
Maybe they were all going to have to learn to make some quick adjustments, she thought.
Clearing her throat loudly to get Leia and Poe’s attention, she said quickly, “Maybe we need to think about this differently. We don’t need a place for all of us to hide. We need a place where we can land and get all of these people onto other ships. Finding a place to establish a new base that is safe may take some time, and if the First Order finds us now, they would be able to destroy everything that remains of the Resistance.”
Leia was listening intently, so Rey rushed on, “If we find a port, we can get everyone passage out to different places in the galaxy. In small groups it would be easier to blend in, and harder for the First Order to find us. Most of us have homes, families or friends, that we can go to, even if people aren’t willing to help the Resistance as a whole. Once we have a plan for the location of the next base everyone who is still willing to fight can join us there. In the meantime, they can rest and, if we are very lucky, recruit others to fight.”
Poe looked skeptical, and she understood that splitting up at this point was not the solution everyone had been hoping for, but after a moment he nodded. Rey looked around the small table to each face in turn, and they all reluctantly agreed that the plan would be their best option.
“We need to get everyone prepared,” Poe announced once the decision was made, quickly taking charge of the operation. “The faster we can start getting people passage on other ships the less likely it is that we will draw attention to ourselves. We need to choose a planet that is nearby, is busy enough that we can get enough of us passage off the planet, and where people will mind their own business.”
It looked like he was about to mention Tatooine again, but Leia’s glare stopped him.
Rey stood, intent on finding Chewie and being ready to finally get everyone off this asteroid once they had all decided on a suitable planet. It felt good to finally have a plan and she was eager to get started.
Several hours later she was watching the last small group of her friends slip into the crowd in a run-down star port on Saleucami. Her plan had worked remarkably well. Though the planet was hot and dim, its capital, Taleucema was a booming part of an established trade route. Consequently, it had a diverse population that saw plenty of travelers, so the chance of them drawing any unwanted attention was low.
Finding new clothes or cloaks for everyone to hide their resistance uniforms had been more difficult than they expected, but they had managed, and it was surprisingly easy to arrange enough transportation off the planet since there was no First Order presence this deep in the Outer Rim.
Those Resistance members who didn’t have anywhere to go were able to travel with someone who did. They were all looking out for each other, which gave Rey hope for their future.
Once the group disappeared from view, Rey turned back to Finn and Poe. “We need to get back to the Falcon. I hate leaving Leia there, even with Threepio for company and Chewie on guard.”
She had tried in vain to get one of them to stay behind with the General, too, once it had been decided that Leia would remain in the Falcon. She was safer there and they were safer without her with them. She would draw too much attention to the group. Years of service in the Rebellion and the Resistance had not changed the aura of royalty that Leia always carried and that was something even people in a place like this were sure to notice.
Both of them had refused to stay behind, however, wanting to make sure that everyone made it off the planet safely.
They made their way quickly, but cautiously, back out of the star port and down the busy streets until they had passed out of the city altogether. It was a long journey back to the Falcon since Rey and Chewie had landed it deep in a forested area far away from the crowds of Taleucema.
Frequent checks reassured them that hadn’t been followed. No one was likely to bother them out here but by the time they returned to the Falcon they were all exhausted from the journey and tension of getting everyone safely on their way.
Leia smiled when they all entered the Falcon’s main hold. “Finally, I was beginning to get worried.” She looked more tired and strained than Rey had ever seen her. Chewie was hovering close by, looking concerned, though he pretended not to be.
She had lost her husband and her brother in such a short time, and that both of those losses had come as the price of a war she was fighting against her son made the pain even more unbearable. She knew Ben had killed Han, though Rey had never mentioned it to her directly, because she had felt it in the Force. The weight of that was taking its toll.
“It’s a long walk,” Finn replied, dropping heavily into a seat at the table next to Poe. “But everything was fine. No stormtroopers, no problems.”
“Good, we can worry about what comes next after we have all had a chance to eat and get some rest. Chewie, Threepio, and I set up sleeping arrangements for everyone and we all get a bed tonight.”
Leia smiled at Finn and Poe’s exaggerated whoops of happiness, then held her finger to her lips, pointing to the bed nearby where Rose Tico still lay. She was recovering nicely from the injuries she had sustained on Crait, but she was not yet strong enough to be moved. Rose would stay on the Falcon until they set up a new base or she was recovered enough to go home.
After the stories Rey had heard, she was certain she knew which option Rose was going to choose. This girl was a fighter and devoted to the Resistance. Right now, though, she was clearly not up to fighting the First Order, since she had barely moved at the noise Finn and Poe had created.
After a hurried dinner during which everyone was too tired to talk, Rey followed Threepio to a bed that had been set up in the cargo hold. Leia was sleeping in the main bedchamber, and Chewie, Finn and Poe were in the crew chambers.
Leia seemed to sense that Rey would prefer a bit of distance, which Rey appreciated. Her nerves were still frayed after experiencing so much emotional upheaval in such a short time and she was hoping that sleep and some time alone would help her process all she had been through.
After listening to Threepio calculate their odds of returning successfully from getting everyone safely off the planet at 12,564 to 1, she gratefully closed the door behind him, dropped onto her bed, and fell asleep without even taking off her shoes.
The dream that invaded her exhausted mind almost immediately was unwelcome and confusing, but she was too tired to shake free of it. The first thing she became aware of was a presence next to her in the darkness, a weight pressing into the bed next to her.
It was familiar, angry, and radiating hurt and confusion so intensely that she felt herself sob out loud from the strength of it. She reached out her hand and bumped into something that felt solid and warm. It flinched from her touch, as though wounded or surprised, and she muttered soothingly.
She acted on pure instinct, scooting closer and wrapping her arms around the tense figure that lay next to her, trying in vain to provide comfort. She could still feel the Force pushing pain into her in sharp ragged waves.
Somewhere inside her mind she felt a vague sense of unease, as though something wasn’t right, but she was unable to place exactly what the danger was. He couldn’t hurt her in her dreams. Here she was free to imagine what could have been if he had joined her and she was no longer alone. To express desires her waking mind wasn’t prepared to acknowledge.
Her head nestled into him, her cheek sliding over his skin as she breathed in his scent. There was no danger here. She felt safe and protected, curled up next to his side. His emotions began to settle, and she slipped quickly back into a dreamless sleep with only one thought, one word that slipped from her lips like a prayer of longing, “Ben”.
He was still there when she woke up the next morning.
This was unusual, since she had never woken to find her dreams had crept into reality before, but there was absolutely no denying that she could feel his body pressed against hers and his presence in the Force was still pulsing with a strength that threatened to overwhelm her.
She lay as still as possible, eyes still closed, unable to focus on anything but the warmth of his body and the steady sound of his heartbeat. She was laying half on top of him, she realized with embarrassment. Her head was now resting on his bare chest, one arm flung ungracefully across his stomach and one leg intertwined with both of his. His arm was wrapped tightly around her back, pulling her as close as possible, his hand clutched tightly to her hip.
She knew that they touched hands on Ach-to, but it was the barest brush of fingertips. It seemed impossible that this was happening as a product of their bond, but the alternative was that he had managed to find her and sneak into her bed without detection and that made even less sense.
Snoke had claimed he was responsible for the connection of their minds, a claim she had begun to question when Ben had appeared to her again after Snoke was dead, but now there was little doubt in her mind that he wasn’t responsible for this. He was a powerful dark side force user, but Luke Skywalker was a Jedi legend and the effort of projecting even an image of himself across the galaxy had been enough to kill him.
No, Ben was right. This was…something else.
She felt him stir slightly beneath her and chanced opening her eyes for a quick peek at his face, expecting to find him sleeping. Instead he was looking at her intensely with an inscrutable expression in his impossibly dark eyes. He looked haunted and almost pained.
Her cheeks flushed, blood rushing under the skin, hot and horrible, to give away her embarrassment. She sat up quickly, pushing off him and moving toward the edge of the bed.
He didn’t move, though it had felt that he had hesitated briefly before letting her go, instead continuing to lounge with his head on her pillow. His black hair was ruffled, as if he had been running his fingers through it, and he was wearing only a pair of loose black pants suitable for sleeping. His bare chest showed clearly the scar she had given him on Takodona. It ran up his neck and across his face, narrowly missing his eye. He had other scars on his chest, arms, and hands. A lifetime of battle etched in thin ribbons across the pale tapestry of his skin.
His feet were also bare, and somehow that was worse, more intimate, than when she had turned to find him unexpectedly bare chested for the first time in a Force bond. She had been briefly captivated by his appearance despite her anger. She had experienced a similar reaction when he had removed his helmet and allowed her to see his face for the first time in the interrogation room on Starkiller Base. He seemed to have that effect on her.
The small smirk he wore told her he knew it.
Now, he was wearing even less. If this continued, she would soon find herself talking to him while he showered. It would undoubtedly amuse him to watch her discomfort if it happened.
His eyes, which had been scanning her face, watching her reaction to his unexpected presence in her bed, dropped lower to evaluate the rest of her appearance. She was uncomfortably aware that she had been sleeping in her clothes, down to the shoes, and must look like exactly what she was- a fleeing scavenger who hadn’t brushed her hair in three days. It made her feel vulnerable and resentful.
There were things she wanted to say, most of it heated and accusatory, and she could see that he was also struggling against the urge to speak.
The tense silence was broken when Finn called her name from outside the door.
“I’m coming!” Rey called quickly, standing up and moving away from the bed, away from Ben. She looked back at him, noting he was glaring at the door, his expression the same look of loathing he had worn when he called Finn a traitor in the forest on Starkiller Base.
“I have to go,” she whispered quickly. He didn’t look at her or acknowledge her words. “Ben,” she said, more firmly but still quietly, in case Finn was waiting outside the door.
He turned toward her, frowning. “I told you, I gave up that name…” he began, but she cut him off, waving her hand impatiently. He was making no attempt to be quiet and since Luke had seen Ben during their last Force connection on Ahch-To, the strength of the bond may have grown enough for Finn to now be able to hear him, too.
“Whatever this bond is between us, it doesn’t seem to be going away,” Rey hissed through clenched teeth. “We have to deal with that, somehow, but we are still on opposite sides of a war. You chose that.”
“Not much of a war,” he quipped with a nasty smirk. “There is almost nothing left of the Resistance and the First Order’s power still spreads. As for the bond between us,” he glanced pointedly at the spot on his chest where her head had been resting, “you didn’t seem to mind it last night.”
Rey felt the heat rise in her face again, and snarled, “This war is just beginning, and if I had known you were really here, last night would never have happened.”
Ben smiled bitterly. “You should have killed me when you had the chance.” His voice dropped low, took on the silky tone he always used when challenging her or daring her to defy him. “I am more your enemy than even you realize.” Then, as had always happened before when the force connection between them was disconnected, he was suddenly gone.
What, she wondered, could he possibly have meant by that?