christmases when you were mine

by RottenKidNextDoor (PortalofWords)

Summary:

“why should my christmas get ruined just because he decided to drag his sorry ass back from paradise?”

or

jay and carlos haven't spoken in six months, and christmas just isn't the same.

Notes:

• For Ithuriel.

hi all !! this is part of the secret santa gift exchange ! i got rather carried away and this little 14k fic was born !! happy holidays to everyone in the descendants family <3

It was the day before Christmas Eve. 

Or Christmas Eve Eve as someone had once told Jay, his smile brighter than all the lights on all the trees and windows and tables in the world. 

Of course, it didn’t feel much like December from Jay’s current vantage point. The tropical air lifted his hair gently from his back, and all along the white dunes, slender palm trees swayed. The sky above him was streaked with purple and orange - the fading reminders of a spectacular sunset. At the moment, he was standing by the ocean’s edge, staring out at the long horizon in the distance. With every gentle whoosh of the surf coming up to pool around his ankles, Jay let out a long exhale. 

In. Out. Surge. Sink. Inhale. Exhale. In - 

“Hey!” 

A voice pulled him away from his trance, pulling like each wave receding from the shore, pulling like every fiber of Jay’s being towards something he refused to think about. 

Gil was standing farther up the beach next to their pitched tent. He was smiling - tan and muscled from their months of hiking and outdoor sunlight. 

“I’m coming.” Jay kept his voice quiet; the waves weren’t crashing tonight. Gil could still hear him. He turned and slowly made his way up the sand, his feet landing softly among the powdery grains. 

The blonde pirate was holding something, but it was getting too dark for Jay to really make it out. 

“What’s that?” Jay nodded towards whatever Gil was holding. 

“Uma and Harry sent it.” So that’s why Gil looked so bubbly. “A Christmas present. Apparently, in Auradon -” 

“Yeah, yeah.” Jay had learned about that tradition when he’d first arrived in Auradon, too. “They give gifts. It’s a little weird, but there you have it. Quick question - how’d they get that to you when we’re all the way out here?” 

Looking down at the box in his hands and then back up a Jay, Gil shrugged. “Dunno. I guess magic. It just… kinda poofed up near me.” He held up a card, grinning. “They say they miss me. And Harry wants to go to the naval academy. I’m not sure what that is except it’s got to do with boats, and Harry likes boats. He really likes boats.” He smiled, like just the thought of Harry doing something he enjoyed made him happy. “And Uma’s learning all sorts of magic stuff.” 

“Yeah?” Jay sat down with a heavy thump, picking up a stick and dragging it through the sand in front of him. “She and Mal killed each other, yet?” 

“I think she would’ve included that.” Gil turned the card over, the sarcasm going over his head. Jay didn’t bother to try and explain it to him; he was too tired. 

He exhaled again, abandoning the stick to lean back on his hands. He was grateful for his surroundings; warm weather and salty air was much preferred to the fresh cold snow and warm drinks that could only ever remind him of people he didn’t want to think about. 

Person. The person he didn’t want to think about. 

“Oh!” Gil laughed above him, still reading that goddamn card. Uma and Harry must be missing Gil more than usual; they practically wrote him a novel. Sure, it had been awhile since they’d contacted anyone from home; their cell reception during their many travels had been unreliable to say the least and there weren’t many post offices in the wild. For a brief moment, Jay let himself wonder how long Uma had been practicing whatever spell she’d used to transport Gil’s Christmas gift. 

“Hey,” Gil’s foot nudged Jay. “Guess what? Harry, Ben and - uh - just Harry and Ben went ice skating the other week.” 

Jay knew what that pause meant, but he’d gotten so good at ignoring it he almost believed Gil’s clumsy omission. 

“Apparently, Ben is trying to -” Gil was saying, pausing for a moment as his eyebrows scrunched. “ - ‘facilitated group healing’ whatever that means. Harry says he outskated everyone, but he tends to overestimate his talents, so I’m not sure I believe him.” He reached into the box and dug around for a moment, finally producing a polaroid photo. 

“What? Harry send some photos for proof?” If Jay hadn’t been so committed to his self pity, he might’ve smiled. 

Gil nodded, still smiling, but he didn’t turn the photo around. 

“Come on,” Jay jerked his head towards the polaroid still facing away from him. “Show me. I bet it’s Harry dancing on the ice like a goddamn ballerina or something. Bonus points if he’s wearing one of those ice skating tutu things.” 

But Gil still wouldn’t turn the photo around. In fact, it seemed like he was deliberately trying to hide it from him. 

“What?” Jay asked, trying to imagine the worst thing Harry could send. “Is he naked or something? Dude, I get that you three miss each other, but -” He reached up, snatching the photo to have a look. 

Jay’s smile faded as quickly as it had appeared. His gut turned to lead, sinking him down, down down into the sand until he thought he might drown. 

The photo had indeed been taken at the ice rink - bright lights strung up along the rails and overhead. The sparkling ice looked well-used but pretty, glittering under the pale winter sun. And standing in a group - cheeks and noses pink with cold and laughter - was Ben, Harry, and him. 

He’d grown since Jay had last seen him six months ago, his freckles standing out against his flushed cheeks. Jay didn’t miss how he leaned on Ben for support, his other arm coming up to rest on Harry’s shoulder. He looked happy - completely and utterly so. He’d even brought his fucking dog with him, and Dude was safely bundled in a winter coat of his own no doubt crafted by Evie. 

“I - uh -” Gil shifted, looking embarrassed. “I forgot to mention that - uh - Ca -” 

“I got it.” Jay kept staring at the photo, all the room in his chest suddenly filled with a burning ache. six months. It had been six months since that night. 

Since the night he’d lost everything. 

“Never fucking cared, Jay!” 

His voice came back full force, ringing in Jay’s ears with the same words he’d worked so hard to shove away; to forget. 

“You just expect me to wait around for you? I thought you… really cared about me. But I guess you have a type, right? Blonde. The weird ones. The ones you can save and fulfill that damn hero-complex of yours.”

Jay turned the photo away, throwing it down into the sand and walking towards the tent. He didn’t want to look at his smiling face anymore or the way he so affectionately held on to Ben’s arm. Jay didn’t want to look at his face ever again. 

“Jay?” 

It was Gil again; of course it was Gil. They were the only two people out here for miles and miles. This sweet, Isle-ruined, blonde son of Gaston was the only other human Jay had talked to in a long time. It was probably a bad idea to ice him out now. Still, he wasn’t in the mood to talk about what had happened; he would never, ever be in the mood for that. 

“I tried to keep the photo away from you.” Gil stood nearby, running a hand through his hair. And that was true; he had tried. But apparently Jay just couldn’t leave shit alone. 

“Yeah, well, how the fuck was I supposed to know he’d be there?” Jay snapped. “I thought you were just being a difficult little shit.” He immediately regretted his tone, wincing at the way Gil retreated a bit. “I - Gil, damn, I didn’t mean to… yell. I’m not… not angry at you.” 

“You’re angry at him.” 

“You’re a coward, Jay. You’re selfish. You lead people on. You make them think they’re special. And then you leave them breathless, with their pants down, and feeling so fucking stupid!”

“Yeah.” Jay knew it was a lie; it was a lie, and he knew it, and he still said it. “I am angry with him. And I don’t want to talk about it.” 

“It’s been six months.” Gil was holding the picture again; he must’ve picked it up off the sand. 

“Yup.” Jay unzipped the tent. 

“Uh -” If Gil said one more thing about him, Jay’s self control - which was already teetering on the edge of erasure - might actually snap. “You know, the stuff in the box wasn’t all for me. There’s a card for you, too. From Mal and Evie. And some photos. Oh, and Evie might’ve sent you a new beanie.” 

Jay’s eyebrows raised. The girls had sent them letters when they could, but he’d missed them both like crazy. He retreated back to the box, carefully picking up the card addressed to him in Evie’s recognizable blue swirls. 

Jay, the card began, his name looking perfectly flawless in her penmanship. These months have simply dragged on without you. Mal says that’s not how I’m supposed to open up this letter, but it’s true. We’re all getting ready for Christmas around here, and we definitely missed your height and muscles when getting all those lights up on the house. Mal’s much too tiny to reach the rafters, even with a step ladder. 

Jay found himself really smiling for the first time that night. Mal no doubt berated Evie with affectionate words and pillows for adding that line. 

And of course you know, her handwriting continued. That your body isn’t the only reason we miss you. Your laughter is absent from every conversation, I promise. The eggnog is going to be much too safe from your heavy hand with the alcohol at our Christmas Eve party this year. 

Jay remembered last year’s Christmas party. Everyone had gotten just a little bit drunk and when Evie suggested they sing carols, he and… some other people… had purposefully belted every note off key. Jay swore he hadn’t had that much to drink, but the videos circulating were rather damning. 

Business is booming, as usual, Evie wrote, and he could practically hear the pride in her words. Especially around the holidays. I’m always surprised by the number of holiday balls Auradon puts on, aren’t you? Last week, Mal was also commissioned to paint a mural down at the City Hall building, and I’m telling you because she’s way too weird about it to tell you herself. She keeps brushing it off like it’s nothing, and you’re not around to knock some sense into her. I hope wherever you are is warm and beautiful because as I’m writing this, I’m wrapped in at least three layers of fur. The snow is stunning, but after awhile, the cold wears me out. A girl can only look good in sweaters and fancy coats for so long. 

Jay wished he could tell Evie that she looked beautiful no matter what she was wearing; he hoped Mal was reminding her of that. It would take some of the weight off his shoulders to know that the two of them were okay without him. 

I’m sorry this card isn’t longer. Here, Evie’s pen had made a rather large blot of ink, like she’d begun something and scribbled it out. Uma and Mal have been trying for weeks to get this spell right - so many pieces and photos and letters had to get transported - which has given me time to plan I might say to you and now that we have the chance I’m blanking on everything interesting happening right now! We love you, Jay. I hope your Christmas is the merriest. Please know that we’re thinking of you always. Write us back if you can.

Love always, 

Evie (and Mal) 

Jay tried to push away the lump that had formed in his throat. He wasn’t one to get overly emotional or sentimental. And yeah, he’d missed the girls like crazy, but he’d never been punched in the gut with the feeling before. It sounded like the homefront was locked down tightly, though. Evie surely would’ve included something if things were that bad. He turned the card over, ready to stow it away somewhere safe and special, when another slip of paper fell from inside. 

It was Evie’s handwriting again - a bit messier, like she’d scrawled it last minute. 

Sorry, she scratched out hastily. Mal told me not to do this. She told me it was a bad idea, and she’s probably right, but I’m doing it anyway. Let me start by saying I don’t know what you both said to each other that night - he still hasn’t told me - but I just can’t accept that you and ‘Los are done. Yeah, he’s okay. We all are. But you’re still special to him, and I won’t let our gang fall apart at the seams because of one little fight. I don’t know if you’ll listen to me, but please, Jay, think about trying to fix this. I know the only reason you’re staying away for so long is because you’re angry. And I get that. I don’t know how I got stuck loving the three most stubborn people in the world, although I suppose I’m stubborn, too, because Mal told me to let this go, and I clearly haven’t. But if I can somehow change your mind, there’s one last gift. It’s the only photo in there that isn’t a polaroid, and I think you’ll recognize it. Just… in case you’re missing home. It might be too soon, but I refuse to believe it’s too late.

With all my love, 

Evie

Jay folded the extra piece of paper so quickly he sliced a paper cut into his finger. Evie was wrong; it was too late. 

“What did she say?” 

Shit. He’d forgotten that Gil was standing right there. 

“Ah, same old stuff.” Jay forced a grin. “Gonna turn in for the night, alright?” 

 

--- 

 

After living for sixteen years on the Isle, Jay was used to sleeping in just about any condition. In fact, he sometimes preferred to sleep on the ground than in a big luscious feather bed; it reminded him of his carpet roll back home in his father’s junk shop. 

But tonight, he just couldn’t seem to get comfortable. Gil had fallen asleep hours ago, crawling into his sleeping bag not long after Jay had curtly announced that he was turning in. But Jay was still wide-awake, listening to the rhythmic sound of the waves wash across the sand.

Evie’s words might as well have been imprinted behind his eyeballs. Whenever he tried closing them, there they were in all their blue glory. 

Ah, fuck, Jay groaned as he turned over again, trying desperately to find the right position. I don’t want to think about him. Is that too much to ask? 

Apparently it was because in a few minutes, Evie’s words weren’t the only ones haunting him.

“... disgusted. Am I really that beneath you now? That you can’t even look at me? Found a new boy toy, huh? You gonna steal him for his pack the same way you steal everything? He’s taken, Jay; but I guess you wouldn’t understand that unless it’s in a sexual setting, huh?” 

Covering his ears - as if that would help - Jay let his eyes fall shut for half a second before they shot back open. He could see it now - that night. They’d been outside, the crickets and insects chirping away in the warm summer night air. And Jay had been happy. He finally, finally had felt like he was somewhere he wanted to be. 

“It’s a nice night,” Jay had said with a smile, staring up at the stars. He hadn’t recieved receive an answer. It was the first clue - the first hint that something was intrinsically wrong. But it had crept by Jay, flitting up into the starry sky - escaping notice. He’d been sitting right next to him, their shoulders just barely brushing.

A nice night. The irony wasn’t lost on Jay now. 

In the sleeping bag beside him, Gil suddenly threw out an arm, jarring Jay back to the beach. He sat up, rubbing his eyes. As much as people liked to say that Gil was soft and sweet and innocent, Jay knew better; there were no innocent people on the island - just children who were alone, abandoned, and conditioned for survival. It was particularly evident in the night, when low groans and whispers slipped past their usual daytime defenses. 

And because the person Jay wasn’t supposed to be thinking about was somehow still on his mind, he let himself remember the nights they’d spent together - huddled in one bed for warmth and maybe something else, too. They’d promised to protect each other; a promise now shattered beyond repair. 

Jay listened to the waves again, his eyes falling on the box resting at the foot of Gil’s sleeping bag. Gil had said he saw a beanie in there, and although Jay didn’t think he’d been needing a hat in their current climate, he reached over and dragged it closer anyway. 

And yes, after digging through a few nautical trinkets (no doubt meant for Gil) and a dozen more polaroid photos, Jay found a brand new beanie. That wasn’t all, though, because apparently the girls had decided a repeat-clothing item wasn’t enough of a gift - even though he thought it was a damn good one. Wrapped up in the knit beanie, he found a new leather bracelet, a bag of his favorite popcorn (a little stale, too, just the way he liked it), and a photograph. 

Oh. 

Jay remembered that Evie’s second note had mentioned a photograph. He turned it over, despite his growing apprehension and sighed - wishing suddenly that he hadn’t flipped it over. 

Because he did recognize the photo. It was bent on one corner, and there was a shadow on the back of bunched up tape where he’d stuck it to the wall above their bedside table as a joke. Jay had laughed about it at the time, saying something about it him guessing it “belonged in a museum and their wall was the next best thing”, but after a few weeks, it became clear his roommate had no intention of taking it down. And Jay hadn’t minded; it was a good photo, especially of… well, the person who’d hung it up. 

His hair was still curly - back before he’d learned how to go ham with the straightener. And he was laughing, too, his nose all crinkled. He had an arm around Jay, sitting with him in the stupid fort they’d built one night after he’d had trouble sleeping. Jay hadn’t thought about that fort in a long time, but now, he couldn’t stop. They’d dragged the pillows and blankets off the bed, draping them over the table with messy satisfaction. Jay had even made a little sign stating that the two of them were the only ones allowed inside, so when Dude had been allowed to enter, Jay had insisted on starting a war. With tickles.  

“This is treason, de Vil!” he’d laughed, digging his fingers into the offending ribs. “Treason!” 

“The dog doesn’t count!” 

Jay’s breath hitched. It was the first time in a long time that he’d been able to hear his voice without all the shouting and anger. It was… nice? A relief? Awful? 

Maybe a mix, Jay decided. Because hearing those words again, so happy, so blissfully unaware of what was going to happen to them, hurt almost as much as the angry ones. And sitting there in the darkness, a tiny, tiny bit of the numbness started to wear away - numbness Jay hadn’t even been aware of until just then. 

“Christ.” Jay rubbed his forehead, still staring at the photo in his lap. He went to throw the picture back into the box, but he couldn’t seem to actually let go. Finally, he shoved it into the hat along with the other gifts the girls had sent and flopped back onto his sleeping bag. 

And as he drifted off, Jay wondered vaguely why he couldn’t hear the waves lapping the beach anymore. 

 

----

 

“Jay!” 

He woke up the sound of Gil’s urgent call. Sitting up, Jay’s hands reached reflexively under the pillow for his knife. “What? What’s wrong?” 

Gil had his head poking out of the tent, the zipper only halfway undone on the flap. “Uh - where’s the beach?” 

“Where’s the what?” Jay crawled out of his sleeping bag to look outside his brow, furrowing in confusion. He squinted, trying to adjust to the brightness. Judging from the position of the sun, it was very late afternoon; they never slept in this late. But as his eyes focused, Jay had bigger things to worry about than a seeming skip in time. 

The sand, the waves, the palm trees, their firepit, everything he and Gil had left outside just one night before had somehow… disappeared. 

“That’s…” Jay rubbed his forehead in irritation. “This is bullshit. Beaches don’t just -” He scanned the snowy woods their tent had somehow ended up in, but couldn’t find any explanation for why their tropical climate had somehow been replaced with frost and trees and ice.

“Ah, man,” Gil rubbed his bare arms. “It’s freezing out here. Jay, where the hell are we?” 

Jay didn’t answer; everything seemed a little too familiar. And, when he glanced behind their tent, his worst suspicions were confirmed. “I think…” he said slowly, trying to puzzle out exactly how it had happened. “We’re home.” 

Shit. 

He ducked back into the tent, trying to conceal himself from the home Evie had affectionately deemed “The Starter Castle.” She’d purchased it all on her own: her money, her name on the deed, her castle. Jay had been and still was strangely proud of her; he’d always felt some measure of protectiveness towards the little blue-haired princess who’d wandered out onto the island streets after sixteen years of banishment begging the universe for a prince, and he thought it pretty remarkable that she’d come so far. Now, though, the sight of The Starter Castle made his blood churn with discomfort. 

“Dude?” Gil came back into the tent, too, kneeling next to him. “You good?” 

Jay nodded, but he couldn’t find any words. His entire family was inside. For so many months, he’d been able to push it all away; Mal and Evie’s insistence that he fix things; the person he’d sworn to cut off. 

“Dammit, Jay.” The voice was back to a steely growl in his mind. “What are you still chasing, huh? You’re always out there looking for the next best thing! You got me and that took all the fun out of it? Is that it?” 

“Jay?” Gil’s voice went soft. “I promise I didn’t do this.” 

Jay’s head snapped up. Shit, the last thing he needed was Gil blaming himself. “Nah, I know. That’s - I’m just trying to figure out how to get as far from here as possible before they find us.” 

“Harry and Uma are up there.” Gil suddenly sounded dreamy, almost longing. “Haven’t seen them since summer.”

“No.” Jay shook his head vehemently. “If you show up, they’ll wonder where I am. And then they’ll know I’m avoiding them!” 

Gil frowned. “You’re avoiding them? I thought you were only angry at -”

“I’m not angry at the girls.” Jay took a deep breath. “But I know they’re gonna get on me about talking to him and working things out. They won’t get it. They weren’t there that night. You can’t go up there. I’m sorry.” 

Gil flicked his gaze down, disappointed. Finally, he wrapped his sleeping bag around his shoulders for warmth. Apparently, only their tent had been transported which meant most of their supplies were still back on the beach. And with the snow covered tree branches cracking and snapping in the frigid air, they weren’t left with many other options for retaining body heat. 

As they sat, Jay tried to pull himself together enough to make a plan. He was good at plans; not as good as Mal, maybe, but his instincts made up for whatever else he lacked in organization. He and Gil could pack up the tent, he supposed, although that would definitely slow them down. But they’d already probably lost most of their shit, and Ben had been really generous with the travel supplies. They couldn’t just leave this thing in Evie’s backyard; where would they sleep once they got back on the road? 

Jay hated owing people; the only reason he’d agreed to take Ben’s things in the first place was because he’d convinced himself they were only borrowing them. But he couldn’t very well return items left on a beach halfway around the world, now could he? Leaving the tent, too, just felt… wrong. A tent wouldn’t book them a hotel room, though, nor would it get them passage out of the city. 

“Jay,” Gil spoke up at last. “The sun is gonna set soon. It’ll get even colder. We can’t just sit here.” 

“I know.” It came out harsher than he would’ve liked. “Give me a second, okay?”

“I’ve given you like an hour!” Gil rarely got pissed at him, but Jay figured he deserved it right about now. “And if I’m not going to go up to the warm house to see Uma and Harry, then I really don’t want to sit around here in the freezing cold.”

The warm house. 

Jay looked up. That was it. He’d snuck into plenty of houses before. He could grab some extra cash, some food, and maybe some warmer clothes from his bedroom upstairs and get the hell out of there before anyone saw him. 

“I’m gonna steal some supplies. 

“That’s risky.” Gil looked less than thrilled about that idea. “Besides, you know that… he… lives there, right? Didn’t you guys share that bedroom at the end of the hall?” 

“He definitely switched rooms once I left.” Jay knew there was no way in hell he hadn’t. “Come on, just let me do this. Our trunks with all our clothes were left on the beach, and I only stowed so much cash in my pillow.” 

“You keep money and a knife in your pillow?” Gil asked, giving him a weird face. 

“You don’t?” Jay had learned two valuable things from his father’s junk shop: one - never accept the first price offered - and two - don't store all the spoils in the same place. “I keep some in my pillow, some in the toe of my boots, and some -” he stopped, not wanting to reveal all his hiding places. “Point is, some of it didn’t come back with us. I need more if we’re gonna get a train ticket out of here, especially last minute on Christmas Eve, and Ben’s the only person who would carry around sizable unprotected pocket money.” 

Once again, he tried not to think about how Ben had purchased his and Gil’s first train tickets out as a “graduation present.” He needed to find a way to pay the king back, and while stealing from his wallet definitely wasn’t an answer, Jay didn’t really have a choice at the moment. He would figure something out; he always did. 

“How do you even know Ben’s even here right now?” Gil shook his head. “Didn’t he and Mal split a few months ago? ” 

Jay shrugged, standing up. “It’s Christmas Eve. They’re having a party. He’s definitely here  - romantic relations or not. It’ll be perfect. They’ll all be tipsy and singing around the fire - too busy to notice me. And I’ll be in and out, I swear.” 

GIl stood, too, moving to follow him out into the snow, but Jay shook his head. 

“Stay here,” he instructed, sliding on the only footwear he could find. “I’ll come get you when I’m done.” 

The house looked very inviting as Jay made his way through the snow, his flip flops crunching with every step. All the windows were lit with candles and warmth, the light spilling out across the white ground. Something smelled good, too, and Jay figured Uma and Evie were cooking together - just like last year. His mouth watered at the thought of the meal they’d produced. Evie’s precision coupled with Uma’s experience resulted in some damn good food; maybe Jay could sneak a bit before he headed out. 

It was strange to imagine them being so close after all these months. In fact, as he edged along the side of the house and towards one of the darker windows in the back, he thought he heard Mal’s laughter echoing in the night. It definitely felt more like Christmas now; with the cold, the party within grasp, and the lights strung up around the house, it was suddenly much harder for Jay to push the loneliness away. 

The latch on the leftmost window in the back of the house had a decoy lock; he’d purposefully left the real one mostly unlocked awhile back, just in case he and a certain somebody needed to slip in after evening adventures. It was generally near the back stairs, but not close enough to be the window he’d choose if he were a stranger hoping to steal - both important qualities in making it an escape route. Jay realized rather bitterly that - tonight, at least, - he was that stranger trying to steal. 

Just like all those times before, the window slid up after a few moments of well-practiced jiggling, and Jay was able to swing his leg over the sill. Sneaking back into his own home was a new kind of weird, but back on the island, he used to sneak back into Jafar’s shop long after his dad had wanted his spoils, so he supposed it was par for the course. 

The hum of conversation and dishes clinking together was much louder now that he was inside, but thankfully, it seemed to be contained to in the front of the house. 

Jay looked around the darkened room and noticed that Mal’s paints were sealed on the table, while a few covered canvases stood in the shadows; it all felt so familiar and so Mal - artistic and just the right amount of reckless. Maybe he’d leave the girls a letter, he decided, just to check up on them. Mal and Uma would probably assume he and Gil replicated their spell. 

The stairs were down the hall and to the right, and Jay was just about to scale them quietly when he heard someone nearby speak up. 

“I guess we should make a toast or something.” 

Ben. Jay paused, listening. He’d assumed everyone was in the front room, especially since Uma usually kicked everyone out of the kitchen, but apparently the King of Auradon was hanging out with the pots and pans that evening. At least he’d been right about Ben attending the party. 

“Hell,” another voice laughed. “Ya Auradon pricks can’ even take a drink without makin’ it a celebration.” Harry Hook. Instantly, Jay wondered what the pirate would do if he knew Gil was outside.

“Come on, Harry, Benny Boo’s got a soft spot for big fancy things, what can we say?” 

That was the moment that Jay’s heart stopped. He sucked in air involuntarily, nearly choking on it. The voice that had been living in his head for the past few months - forever furious and betrayed - sounded so… happy. 

“Aye,” Harry laughed again. “An’ I suppose he’s got a sof’ spot for other big fancy things’, righ’? Thas’ why he’s been after the pup’s co -” 

“Harry!” He didn’t sound angry - more… breathless? “Honestly, I’ve told you a million times, I’m  -” 

“Ah, still mournin’ tha’ lost love, are ya?” Jay could practically hear the simpering smirk on Harry’s face as he sipped whatever alcohol he’d poured for the group. 

“No.” That familiar cold and brittle voice was back, but this time, it wasn’t in Jay’s head. It was right there - down the hall. “He could die out there for all I care. I’ve told you. That wasn’t love, and I’m done with that. I got better things to worry about.” 

“Now tha’,” Harry stated triumphantly, “Is what I call a good fuckin’ toast.” 

All three of them laughed, and presently, Jay heard the sound of glasses clinking together. 

“To shitty ex boyfriends who leave and never come back!” the voice that had already stolen all of Jay’s breath cheered. “Good riddance"

His toast was followed by more laughter from Ben and a few “aye aye’s” from Harry, and suddenly, Jay felt the need to grip the wall to keep from falling. It didn’t matter; he wasn’t here for him or Ben and Harry. He was here to get clothes and get the hell out. 

He set his jaw and moved towards the stairs. Somehow, he made it up without stumbling, which had to be sheer luck because he hadn’t taken a breath in a long while. Once he reached the top, however, the luck ran out. 

“Oh!” 

He ran into someone, grabbing onto familiar arms to steady himself. 

“Sorry!” Evie gasped, pulling back. “I didn’t…” She trailed off, realizing who was holding her. She stared at him, eyes wide. “Jay?” 

Jay stared back for a few moments, breathless. He took in her warm eyes and flushed cheeks, the way she smelled like she’d been in the kitchen all afternoon. And then, he let go, turning away. “Oh, shit,” he swore. “Shit.” 

“Not happy to see me?” She sounded a little hurt. 

“No - yes!” Jay rubbed his forehead. “I just… hadn’t planned on running into anyone.” 

“So you somehow made what must’ve been a very long trip all the way back just to sneak into our house and not see anyone?” There was something about Evie’s tone that made him turn and study her more carefully. There was a small gleam in her eye, one that he knew meant she was up to something. 

“What did you do?” 

Evie just shrugged a little. “I didn’t do anything. You did.” She stepped towards him, tucking a stray strand of hair behind his ear. “You look really good, Jay. Tan. We’ve all missed you.” The softness in her voice was quickly replaced by laughter as she eyed his bare chest and shorts. “And you’re definitely not dressed for this weather. What? You didn’t think to pack any warmer clothes for your return trip?” 

“I -” Jay’s eyes narrowed; there was something he just wasn’t getting. “I wasn’t really expecting to come -” He stared at her expression, his eyes narrowing. “Evie, did you take us back here? Take me?” 

“No.” She shook her head. “I didn’t. You did. But I may… have provided you with the tool to do so? And I’m guessing you left Gil outside wherever you came over, so I’ll send Uma out to find him. He must be freezing if he’s wearing anything remotely similar to -” 

“Evie!” Jay interrupted, shaking his head. “I don’t understand. I didn’t - I didn’t want to come home. I did nothing. I fell asleep!” 

“You had to have wanted to come home,” Evie answered evenly. “That’s the only way you’d be here right now. The spell only worked if you - well, if you wanted it to. Even the tiniest part of you.” 

“Spell…” Jay said slowly. So it had been magic. And then, it clicked. “The picture. You spelled it.”  

She had the decency to look a bit ashamed. “I’ll admit, it wasn’t the most… correct way to handle it. But I knew you’d be too stubborn to come back or even admit that you even wanted to at all, so… I spelled the photograph and tucked it in there. I knew you’d look at it; you miss him.” 

“Evie!” Jay hissed again. “I can’t be here. I have to leave. You have to pretend I wasn’t here at all!” 

“I can’t force you to stay,” she sighed, her shoulders falling. “And I guess, if you’d like me to cover for you, I will, but you’re too good of a thief to have just been… accidentally caught. A piece of you wants to be here, I just know it, so - please, Jay? Just stay for dinner? Stay for the party?”

“Not while he’s here.” Jay folded his arms. 

Downstairs, Jay heard a loud knock and a string of cursing from Uma. 

“Uh,” came Gil’s loud voice after a few beats. “Jay is probably gonna murder me, but I got cold down there waiting for him, and besides, I wanted to see -” 

“Harry!” Uma’s voice interrupted. She sounded nothing short of elated. “Harry Hook, get your ass over here and look what the snow dragged in!” 

 “Shit.” Jay went back to rubbing his forehead. Gil was inside, which meant their plan of secretly jetting out was over. And he’d dropped Jay’s name, so everyone knew; the whole house - included the guy who’d just toasted to his hopeful death - knew that he was home. 

“You have to fix this,” he hissed at Evie. “He’s gonna flip.” 

“No -” 

“He just toasted to my inevitable death!” 

Evie bit her lip, looking down. “Well… I didn’t quite anticipate that kind of animosity. Maybe… stay up here until I sort everything out?” 

Jay snorted in irritation. “Yeah, you think? Look, Eves, I appreciate what you’re trying to do, I really do, but things aren’t ever going to get better between him and I. They’re just not. It’s time you accept that. I don’t even want them to get better, you know? He’s a pain in my ass.”  

“Evie?” a voice called, joined by light footsteps on the stairs. 

His reflexes on fire, Jay darted into the bathroom next to them as the sound of those footsteps echoed a bit louder. 

“Evie?” The very same person who wanted Jay dead at the bottom of the ocean was coming upstairs, towards them. “I need to talk to you.” 

From his vantage point mostly shielded behind the bathroom door, Jay saw Evie flick her eyes over for half a second before answering. “I’m here, ‘Los. Just had to change my shirt. I spilled -”

“Gil’s here.” 

Jay could see him now, peering through the crack where the door hinges met the wall. Except - just the side of him - not enough to really get a good reading on his face. 

“I -” Evie blinked, as if trying to decide whether to appear surprised or disappointed. “I’m sure Uma and Harry are over the moon.” 

“You know what this means.” He definitely didn’t sound thrilled. “Why should my Christmas get ruined just because he decided to drag his sorry ass back from paradise?” 

Evie messed with the end of her braid, twisting it around her finger slowly. “You don’t mean that.” 

“Yes,” he insisted. “I do. I don’t want to talk to him. This isn’t some petty disagreement, Evie. I won’t make the mistake of letting that back into my life.”

“‘Los -” 

“If you see him,” there was a bitterness now, creeping into his words alongside the anger. “Tell him to just leave. Please. If he wants to stay, then, I guess I’ll get a hotel room or something. Maybe stay at Ben’s.” 

“And wake up on Christmas alone?” Evie’s eyes were sad, their earlier gleam melting away. 

“I wouldn’t be alone.” He turned, ready to head back downstairs. “Ben would be there.” 

Jay waited until he was sure his footsteps had retreated before emerging, shrugging half heartedly. He wished he hadn’t heard the conversation because now, Evie was staring at him like he was someone to be pitied. And Jay hated being pitied. 

“Don’t,” he warned - quietly in case the owner of those footsteps decided to lurk. “Don’t start with the pity-bullshit. You know that’s not how we do things. I’ll just grab some clothes and head out, alright? He won’t even see me.” 

“This was supposed to fix things.” She glanced at the floor, blinking quickly. “I - I don’t know. I guess I hoped once he knew you were here… he’d want to see you.” 

“This is over. You don’t want to be in my life - you said it yourself. I’m just holding you back. Tying you down. So we’re done. Happy now?”

Jay forced himself out of his head. “You’re just now realizing that this was a mistake?” He regretted his tone immediately, holding up a hand. “Sorry. My bad. I know… I know you meant well. Now.” He straightened her silver little Christmas shawl, sparkling in the dim hall lights. “Go downstairs and enjoy the party, alright? Tell Mal I say hi, by the way. And that I’m sorry I couldn’t stay and see her.” 

“Please come home soon,” Evie said softly, giving him a little sad smile. “Things aren’t the same around here without you being a douchebag all the time.” 

Jay didn’t have the heart to tell her that after tonight, he probably wouldn’t be coming back for a very, very long time. “Sure. Let Gil know I’ll be staying somewhere in town tonight. He can stay here for the night; I don’t think that’s gonna be a problem for anyone. Hopefully. And he can come find me when he’s done socializing, and we’ll bounce. Gotta go find that beach with all our stuff.”

“December twenty-sixth.” Evie looked up at him. “That’s when the spell wears off. December twenty-sixth. You’ll both be sent back to the exact spot you left. This was just supposed to be a… temporary -” 

“Kidnapping?” Jay managed a grin. Her smile grew some, and he punched her shoulder playfully. “Go on, Eves. What’s a party without the world’s most fabulous hostess?” 

She smiled, shaking her head, and turned to leave. Just before she reached the stairs, Jay voiced one more thing burning in the back of his mind. 

“Hey, uh, is he - you know - with Ben?” 

Evie looked over her shoulder, staring at him for a long moment. “I don’t know.”

At least it wasn’t a yes.

Once Evie had disappeared, Jay lingered in the hallway, doing his best not to pace. He could hear everyone downstairs, but for some reason, he still listened carefully - as if every creak of the house was someone coming upstairs to find him. Still, no matter how alert he tried to be, his muscles still felt slow, and his heartbeat pulsed rapidly in his ears. 

“This is absolutely ridiculous,” he muttered to himself, walking down the hall to his old room. 

Somehow, all his instincts - all his hard-won walls - turned muddled and confused when his ex-boyfriend came around. That’s how it had always been - from the very first day he’d met him. 

Jay’s room was right down the hall - he could see the door half ajar from where he was standing - but for some reason, it took him several seconds to gather up the will to step inside. He knew it probably wouldn’t look the same anymore since one side of the room was undoubtedly empty now. A certain someone didn’t want to share the same house as him anymore, let alone the same bedroom, and for some reason, the idea of facing that half-empty room made him falter more than he would’ve liked to admit. 

Jay was angry. And that was good. If he was going to get out of this house with his wits about him - if he was going to make it to town and out of it without falling apart - he needed to stay angry. Maybe their bedroom just felt… too intimate. 

Eventually, though, Jay made up his mind to push forward anyway. It was a bedroom, and he needed clothes; he wasn’t about to get sentimental over a fucking four-walled box now. So, taking a deep breath to steel himself, he pushed open the door and stepped inside - an action so familiar he might’ve fooled himself into thinking he’d never left at all. 

Oddly enough, the place didn’t look quite as different as he’d been expecting. Sure, both beds appeared as though they hadn’t been used in awhile, but there were still the familiar posters tacked to the wall - a large periodic table hanging across one and several signs for various tourney players and island music bands taped messily on the other. One half of the dresser (Jay’s) even had clothes falling out of the drawers. Mostly, if Jay squinted past the dust and the absence of Dude’s toys and bed, he could imagine those six months had never happened.

It didn’t help with the memories, though. At the previous year’s Christmas Eve party, the two of them had snuck away before dinner to fool around for a bit, and even if Evie had given them a knowing look when they’d returned, it had definitely been worth it. At the time. 

It had also, coincidentally, been the first time that they’d said… that word… to one another. 

 

“Hey, de Vil?” 

His boyfriend - whose legs were still halfway wrapped around him - had rolled his eyes and groaned. “Don’t you dare ruin this with a stupid Christmas pick-up line, Jay, I swear -”  

“You know, contrary to what most believe, I’m not a complete ass,” Jay had laughed, craning his neck ever so slightly to admire the best part of his life. “Only a little bit of one.” 

“I love your ass,” came the muffled (and very smug) mumble. 

“I love you.” 

Wide brown eyes had suddenly met Jay’s, bright and maybe a little disbelieving, but certainly the most beautiful ones he’d ever had the privilege to stare into. He’d known it in that moment; he did. He loved him. 

“I love you, too, Jay.” 

No one had ever said that to him before. With his name. With the whole thing in one terrifying, beautiful, dangerous phrase. 

Worth it. At that moment, it had all felt worth it. 

 

Jay clenched and unclenched his hands, staring blankly at the wall in front of him. He’d never been good at identifying feelings - not until they bubbled up and destroyed everything around him first - so it didn’t surprise him that he had no idea what he felt at the moment.

Maybe heartbreak. Maybe those six months were easier to ignore in the depths of the jungle or at the edge of the ocean. Maybe they’d never been easy to ignore, and Jay had just gotten worse at hiding it from himself. 

Moving over to their old bedside table, Jay opened the drawer slowly. His fingers hovered over the odds and ends they used to keep inside - condoms, a spare tourney ball, a charging cord, and a photobooth strip from some party he barely remembered. 

Next, he wandered over the dresser. Jay told himself it was to find warm clothes to change into. To leave. To get out of the house for good. But even he was starting to doubt that as he opened the drawers that didn’t belong to him to find a sweatshirt, trying not to remember how they’d all mysteriously gone missing only to turn up in his ex-boyfriend’s laundry. 

“Didn’t think you were the sentimental type,” came a voice.

He looked up, relief washing over him. Mal. “I’m not.” To prove his point, Jay shut the dresser drawer with a bang. 

Mal shook her head - unconvinced - but walked forward anyway to wrap her arms around his neck. “Dammit, why’d you have to leave us for so long,” she muttered into his shoulder before stepping back. 

He was glad to see her; Mal was his first friend. He trusted her with his entire life. And of all the people he’d want to talk to at the moment, she made the top of the list. He absolutely adored Evie, but she always wanted to talk about his feelings, and Jay wasn’t good at that. Mal, on the other hand, hated it almost more than he did. She wouldn’t force him to talk; she’d just… sit there with him. 

“You getting ready to bolt?” She knew him so well. 

“Something like that.” He grinned a little, his eyes scanning her purple hair - shorter than it had been when he’d left that summer. “You got a haircut.” 

“Eh.” Mal reached up to run her fingers through her hair. “I was getting tired of brushing it. E did it for me.”

“She is good at that shit, isn’t she?” Jay was so happy to be having a normal conversation for once. 

“Maybe a little too good,” Mal laughed in agreement. “She’s started asking to cut my hair like three times a week. Says it’s ‘good practice’ whatever the hell that means. What about you, though? You’ve certainly got stories bound to be more interesting than my haircut.” 

Jay smiled, chewing on his bottom lip before answering. “I never thought I’d get to see the world. I mean, I thought I’d die on that island. It’s big. It’s way bigger than I ever thought it would be, which sounds dumb, I know -” 

“No.” She stared at him, hanging onto every word - a sincere concentration that most people never got from her. “It sounds awesome. Next time you decide to see the world, drag my ass along with you, will you?” 

He patted her arm, nodding. “It would be better with you.” And he meant that. 

“So.” Mal gestured around the room. “Is it maybe a little sad that I knew exactly where to find you?” 

Jay let out a breath. “A little. It’s not what you think, though. I only came in here to get clothes. I’m not really… dressed for the weather.” 

Mal snorted, her eyes tracing the same path Evie’s had up his chest. “Is that so?” 

“Smart ass.” He held up one of his sweatshirts to prove it. “See? Just getting clothes.” Jay slid it over his head, his breath hitching at the faint scent still infused in the fabric. 

Looking amused, Mal cocked her hip to the side. “Yeah, you look great. Really emotionally stable.” 

“Okay, Mal?” Jay pulled his hands through the sleeves and straightened it out. “Not in the mood for that.” 

There was silence, thankfully, as Jay grabbed a duffel bag from the closet and began shoving other various articles of clothing inside. Mal was still studying him, though, eyeing him like she always did when she knew something was up. 

“He doesn’t talk about it, you know,” she said at last, leaning against the wall. “Never. Not even when he’s drunk.”

“He gets drunk?” Jay whirled around quickly - too quickly. 

“Not totally shitfaced,” Mal amended. “Just close to it.” 

“He’s faking it.” Jay said it without thinking. “He hates drinking too much because you know, he was on the bottom of the food chain on the island, and his inhibitions are survival instincts, so he usually just acts. For him, sobriety is control, you know? I think if he were really hammered, he’d  -” Jay stopped, feeling at once guilty for revealing private information and confused at having thought it was pertinent at all. “Sorry. I don’t know why I said all that. You probably already know that. You know everything about us. I didn’t mean to - shit, I dunno what I meant.” 

The corner of Mal’s mouth twitched. “Evie and I really failed the two of you, huh?” 

“What?” The girls hadn’t failed; the girls had done absolutely nothing wrong. 

“We should’ve been there,” she sighed. “We should’ve helped. We -”

“Couldn’t do anything.” Jay definitely wanted to change the subject. “Besides, as Gil says, that ship has sailed. It’s alright. Shit happens, Mal. This isn’t on you.” 

“Actually, it is.” Mal folded her arms. “Island or no island, I’m still our leader. I was… so busy trying to play that stupid fucking role of Ben’s perfect girlfriend I didn’t notice that things for you two were tense.” 

Oh, the breakup. Jay felt like an ass for not asking her about it sooner. “How are you? After all that?” 

“Better than I was,” she shrugged. “Can’t say the same for him, though. He’s been putting on a good face, and we’re still friends. Ish. But I’ve heard from… others… that he’s missing that companionship and affection.” 

“Others?” Jay knew exactly what others she was talking about it, and it was someone single and probably regretting his strict self-imposed rules regarding alcohol downstairs. 

“Don’t jump to any conclusions,” Mal warned. “I don’t think they’re official or even… doing much.” 

“ Doing much?” Jay knew he had no right to be angry. They were no longer together. And yet, he still felt all the familiar signs of that rubber band snapping at his chest - pulling tighter and tighter. 

“They might’ve kissed,” Mal admitted, wincing some. “A couple of times.” 

Turning away, Jay hoped the tightness in his chest hadn’t made its way to his face, yet. He didn’t know what he expected. For some reason, he’d always kind of imagined time had stopped back home. That everyone had stayed exactly the way they were before. But now he was kissing other people, and Mal and Ben weren’t together, and Evie was cutting Mal’s hair and probably doing more from the way Mal’s eyes had twinkled when she brought it up and… things were just different. 

“For the record,” Mal spoke up again, holding up her hands defensively. “I didn’t put the photograph in your beanie. That was all Evie. She did the spell and everything. I told her you wouldn’t want to come home and find him trying to move on.” 

“I don’t care.” Jay’s voice was low and hard. 

“Don’t lie to me,” she sighed. “I can see right through that shit with you. You don’t have to talk - I’m not Evie - but just… I know, okay? I understand.” She shifted from foot to foot for a moment. “You don’t have to leave just yet.” 

“Yeah, I do.” Jay couldn’t stay. He just couldn’t. Not now that he knew all that. “Thank you for coming up here. I really did miss you.” 

She hugged him one last time, but didn’t try and argue. She knew better than anyone how stubborn he could be once he made up his mind; and maybe, too, she understood what heartbreak felt like. If what Jay was feeling could even be called heartbreak. 

Because he didn’t deserve to label it that when he’d been the one doing most of the breaking. As Mal’s steps faded down the hall, Jay rubbed his forehead. This was his fault. Any pain, any anger, it was all on him. 

He closed his eyes, trying to put himself back in that muggy night - to remind himself that, yes, this was his fault. That he didn’t deserve to feel any of this. 

 

“I think we’re gonna hit the woods first,” Jay had said with a smile. “But honestly, I don’t care where we go. I just want to see it all, you know? All that shit I never ever thought I was gonna get to see. And Gil is stoked, too, since he never saw any of it either. Except the sea. And it’ll be nice to have someone who knows his way around the water when we get to the ocean.” 

“Cool.” His boyfriend had sounded so… empty. So disinterested - as if he hadn’t been listening to a word. 

 

Taking out his phone, Jay scrolled through the emails and messages he’d been unable to open for a few weeks. He’d never been too attached to the thing - unlike some people in Auradon - mostly because he’d never grown up needing it. It did make a good distraction, though. With all the pictures and information at the tips of his fingers, he could effectively pass any time, block out any emotion. After awhile, his eyes flicked up the top of the screen. It was already nine. No doubt Evie and Uma had already served up dinner; everyone had moved into the sitting room to exchange gifts and drink in front of the fireplace by now, so it would probably be his best shot at slipping out without running into anyone else. 

Gathering up his packed bag, Jay stood up and glanced out the door. He told himself that once he left, he wasn’t going to look back - only forward. Everyone was moving on, and so was he. 

As if in response, though, the doorway was suddenly blocked by the last person on earth he’d expected - or wanted - to see. 

“Carlos?” Jay scrunched up his forehead in confusion. He barely registered that it was the first time he’d said his name in a long, long time.

Carlos was leaning against the door frame, his jaw set and narrowed eyes wandering over Jay languidly. He didn’t say anything at first - just watched Jay’s every breath. Finally, he cleared his throat. “I thought you were leaving.” 

“I am.” Jay held up the bag still clutched in his hand. 

“Doesn’t look like leaving.” Carlos’ speech wasn’t quite slurred, but he didn’t sound totally sober, either. 

“Were you drinking?” Jay sniffed the air, trying to decide how much he’d had.

“Yes.” Carlos straightened up. “Didn’t wanna for six months in case my stupid fucking brain decided to talk about you, but then -” he paused, blinking. “You showed your ugly face, and it didn’t matter anymore.”

“You didn’t have to come up here,” Jay said defensively. “I just needed some clothes.” 

Carlos advanced, walking forward with a blazing expression on his face. “Why the fuck did you come back? I was happy without you. We were happy without you.” 

Jay didn’t retreat; he straightened his shoulders - dropping the bag to the floor. If Carlos wanted to hash things out, then fine; he’d asked for it. “This might shock you,” he snapped. “But I didn’t ask to come back, okay? Evie spelled my Christmas present. It wasn’t my fucking choice, alright? Lay off.”

“Evie did this?” Carlos laughed coldly. “You expect me to believe that? That you didn’t come grovelling back here on purpose?” 

“I don’t fucking grovel,” Jay hissed. “I was the one that left, remember?” 

“Yeah, after I broke up with you!” 

Silence. Jay listened to the sound of their ragged breathing, staring into the face of the person he used to adore more than anything in the whole world. 

 

“It seems like you're not excited for me.” 

It was the foundation - the pouring of the gasoline needed to send one into flames.

“You gonna fuck him?” 

“‘Los -” 

“No, Jay, tell me. Why on earth would I be excited about my boyfriend leaving to go ‘traveling’ for months on end with another guy. Tell me.” 

“Well -” Jay stuttered. “You have school! Otherwise you could totally -” 

“Ah! School!” Carlos slapped his forehead in mock relief. “That makes so much more sense! Thank you, Jay! I feel so much better now!” 

“You’re blowing this way out of proportion, dude.” Jay glared at him. “If you've got a problem -” 

“A problem?!” Carlos stood up. “Do I have a problem? Jesus, I forgot how selfish you can be sometimes. You always do this! You’ve got no self control! You turn it back on me and pretend it’s my fault!” 

“I’m not gonna run off with Gil!” Jay argued. “I don’t understand why you’re being such a little bitch about this! Do you really not fucking trust me? Maybe I will trade you in; I thought you’d be supportive!” 

It was definitely the worst possible thing he could've said. There was the spark - red hot and hungry. 

“Dammit, Jay.” Carlos’ face was dark and shadowy, and for a moment, Jay had almost not recognized him. “What are you still chasing, huh? You’re always out there looking for the next best thing! You got me and that took all the fun out of it? Is that it?” 

“No -” 

But Carlos wasn’t done. “You just expect me to wait around for you? I thought you really cared about me. But I guess you have a type, right? Blonde. The weird ones. The ones you can save and fulfill that damn hero-complex of yours.”

The dreaded tightness in his chest was building, and Jay knew he wouldn’t be able to hold his tongue much longer. “I don’t have a fucking hero-complex! And I’m not trying to save him! Or you!” 

“Really?” Carlos demanded, his hands on his hips. “Is that why you haven’t been able to look at me all week? Always throwing off my arm or dodging me to hang out with him? Is that why you ignored me in the woods? Am I really that beneath you now? That you can’t even look at me anymore? Found a new boy toy, huh? You gonna steal him for his pack the same way you steal everything? He’s taken, Jay; but I guess you wouldn’t understand that unless it’s in a sexual setting.” 

“You have no fucking right to be angry!” The tightness was splintering his lungs, Jay’s vision turning red. “I had no idea you felt that way!  Do you think that every person I hang out with I wanna fuck? Is that it? You just don’t trust me?” 

“Maybe I have a reason!” Carlos had shouted back. If they’d been any closer to the house, they would’ve woken everyone inside. “You flirt with everyone! You’ve been eyeing him all week! I know all your tricks and your games, Jay! I was stupid enough to fall for them! And you’ve never fucking cared!” 

“Oh, don’t even start -” 

“You’re a coward,” Carlos continued. “You’re selfish. You lead people on. You make them think they’re special. And then you leave them breathless, with their pants down, and feeling so fucking stupid!” His breaths had grown shallow - near panting. When he spoke again, his voice was low. “I was really stupid enough to be believe you actually loved me.” 

“Yeah, well.” The scathing words slipped out before Jay could stop them. “You knew what you were signing up for. I’m a whore, right? Can’t settle down to save my life? But of course, you know that. You just screamed it all at me. Sorry to disappoint you.” 

Something was broken between them. All the tension; all the quick glances and furtive kisses; the warmth that swelled in Jay’s chest when he looked at Carlos - all gone - replaced by an icy wall pushing against his very lungs. 

“This is over.” Despite the anger, Carlos’ voice sounded fragile - like it might break at any moment. “You don’t want to be in my life - you said it yourself. I’m just holding you back. Tying you down. So we’re done. Happy now? Go find Gil and tell him the good news.” 

 

And standing in their old bedroom, staring at Carlos again for the first time since that night, the tightness in Jay’s chest began to melt. He could feel his fingers and his legs and his arms - each pulse of his heart vibrating through his entire body. He hadn’t realized just how much he’d been blocking out. And it hurt. Everything hurt. Because he knew what he’d lost; he knew what he’d wrecked that summer night. But even the pain was better than feeling all that nothing. 

“I hate you.” Carlos sounded tired. He came closer, balling up his hands in the front of Jay’s sweatshirt. “I hate you so - much .” 

Jay didn’t move. He just stared down at Carlos who was practically beating Jay’s chest with every word. “I know.” 

“I hate that I still think about you.” Carlos glared up at him, his eyes now glassy with tears. “I want you out of my life. I don’t want you here. Where I can still get to you. Where I can see what you fucked up for us.” 

“I did love you, you know.” The words felt fuzzy on his tongue. “I destroyed something really, really good. All because I was too… my ego… I just couldn’t -” 

Carlos cut him off by leaning up and pressing his lips to his - scalding and furious. He brought his hands up to tangle them in Jay’s hair, pulling him impossibly close. Jay’s mind went blank for a few moments - unable to register anything beyond I missed this. But then Mal’s words came back to him - then everything came back to him - and he just couldn’t keep kissing him. 

“No -” Jay murmured, pushing Carlos away - gently at first, then more firmly. “No! Carlos, no, you’re drunk -” 

“I’m not drunk.” Carlos’ lips were pink and swollen. “I’ve barely had one glass. Just enough… to get up the courage to come up here.” 

“A sober Carlos wouldn’t be kissing me.” Jay shook his head. “Besides, you’re with Ben.” 

“I’m not with Ben.” Carlos’ cheeks colored now. “We just… made out a few times because he was depressed about Mal, and I was depressed about your stupid ass. But that’s it. He’s a shit kisser compared to you. Horrible with his tongue.”  

“Carlos,” Jay rubbed his forehead. “You know we can’t - this can’t happen again.” 

“I know.” Carlos was still staring at him. “You fucking left. Without saying anything. We fought and you just… ran away.” 

“I…” Jay sighed heavily; his lips were still buzzing from Carlos’ kiss. “I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t stay with us… being, you know. Apart. We were already packed and ready to leave, anyway. And I knew…” The words were there - on the tip of his tongue - right where they’d been since their fight. “I knew it was my fault you were pissed in the first place.” 

“Wasn’t just your fault,” Carlos muttered, glancing down. “I got on you about Gil.”

“We haven’t done anything.” It was suddenly very important to Jay that Carlos knew that. “Gil and I. We’ve done nothing. Not even flirt, I swear. He’s got Harry and Uma, and I’ve got -” He broke off, shaking his head. “Well, I’ve got no desire to start anything with him. Not even a hook up.” 

Carlos mulled that over for a moment. “Six months,” he said at last, his shoulders falling. “We could’ve fixed this if you’d only just… not left for six months.” 

The lump returned to Jay’s throat. Now that he’d kissed Carlos again, it was going to be damn near impossible to leave with his dignity. “I should go,” he said, gathering up his bag. “I missed you, Carlos. I’m sorry for ruining your Christmas. And your last six months.” 

Carlos didn’t say anything - just watched him shoulder the bag and move past him towards the door. For a moment, it looked like he might speak, but then he shut his mouth and Jay walked out the door. 

 

--- 

 

The hotel room was small. 

Jay didn’t mind, though. He didn’t need a lot of space. Strangely enough, he felt more grounded than he had for a long time. Everything in him was just… quiet and hurting. But his head was clear; talking to Carlos - kissing him - had wiped away the fog and the pressure.

He sat on the bed, staring out the window at the city lights. He hadn’t bothered to unpack; he was only here until the twenty-sixth when Evie’s stupid spell finally wore off. 

Jay couldn’t tell if he was glad she’d spelled the photograph or not. On the one hand, Gil had looked incredibly happy sitting with Uma and Harry when Jay had slipped out the door. And he’d definitely gotten closure with Carlos. But Evil what a painful closure it was . 

“We could’ve fixed this if you’d only just not left for six months.” 

Jay sighed; those words would probably haunt him for a long time.

 Leaving was something he was very good at. With all his lays on the island and even the assorted cheerleaders he’d managed to bed in his time at Auradon Prep, he’d once never made it past the sunrise. It was always too easy to slip out the door or the window rather than face what they wanted from him in broad daylight. When his dad started yelling at Jay for a less-than-satisfactory haul, Jay had left. When class got hard or challenging, Jay skipped altogether or went to the bathroom and never came back. Leaving was his escape; his safe word. If Jay could find an exit route in a room, he could protect himself. 

Isn’t that exactly what you’re doing now? a voice in his head whispered. Leaving? 

“No.” Jay shook his head. He and Carlos had fixed things the best they could; they’d apologized. They’d left room for recovery - perhaps a friendship someday. They’d made it easier for them both to move on. 

He kissed you. 

Jay reached up and touched his lips gently, remembering how familiar Carlos’ had felt. Their kiss had broken through the haze of emptiness, stirred the butterflies and the pain and the longing up again. Bitterly, Jay wondered if that was the only True Love’s Kiss breaking a spell he would ever experience. 

That kiss made you feel things, the voice reminded him. And you didn’t even try to fight for him. You just… ran away. Like you always do. 

“He didn’t fight for me, either.” Jay remembered how quietly Carlos had watched him, how he’d shut his mouth against any words building there. 

You already know one outcome, his brain insisted. And now you’ll never know if there could’ve been a different one. 

The thought echoed loudly, seeming to reverberate off the walls of the hotel room until Jay couldn’t possibly come up with an answer. And maybe there wasn’t one. The voice was right. And while Jay didn’t know if it was his conscience or the devil’s advocate feeding him the words, he did know that it was right. 

Gathering up his stuff, Jay left the room before he could talk himself out of it. And by the time he was sitting in the back seat of a cab driving in the exact direction he’d just come from, he knew he’d made the right choice. He just couldn’t let himself run away this time. The pain hurt, but nothing could be worse than slipping back into that numb fog. 

Jay’s leg bounced for the entirety of the drive home. In fact, it didn’t stop moving until he’d paid the driver fumblingly and shot out of the car. 

Standing outside the Starter Castle, Jay let his eyes drift off to the right; just beyond the tree line, sat the bench where it had all gone down. He’d stood just like this after their fight, his throat raw and sore from shouting and suppressed tears, studying the house one last time before bolting.

But not tonight. Jay wasn’t running away - he was running back. 

The window in the back of the house slid open soundlessly. It was late now, and it looked like most of the house was dark. He found the stairs, scaling them silently lest he wake up Mal or Evie - or, God forbid, Uma. The sea witch would probably flay him alive once she discovered he wasn’t an intruder coming to kill anyone - especially if she and her boys were enjoying their first night back together in the way he thought they were. 

When he reached the top of the stairs, though, Jay paused. He didn’t know where Carlos had started bunking after he’d left. Maybe he was crashing with Evie or Mal these days or maybe he’d moved onto one of the bedrooms on the other side of the house. But as it turned out, Jay didn’t need to worry for very long. After a moment of panic, he noticed a faint strip of light coming from under their old bedroom door.  

Carlos. 

Jay crept forward until he reached the end of the hall, wrapping his hand around the doorknob and turning slowly.

“Evie?” came Carlos’ voice. He was lying in his old bed, curled around several blankets and pillows - his gaze trained on the door. The bedside light was still on, casting a warm, dim glow across his face. When he caught sight of Jay, his eyes widened, and he sat up so fast he nearly fell out of bed. “Jay.” 

“Hi.” Now that he was there, Jay didn’t quite know what to say. He wished he’d done less self-reflecting and more practical planning on the way over. 

“You came back.” Carlos said it like he might not totally believe it. 

“Yeah.” Jay swallowed hard, shifting. “I did. I just… didn’t want to run away again. I know you said we couldn’t fix it, but -”

Carlos slid out of bed and padded over him, wrapping his arms around Jay’s neck. When Jay inhaled sharply, he hesitated. “Is this -” 

“Yeah.” Jay hugged him back. “It’s okay.” 

They stood like that for several minutes, swaying slightly. Jay thought his eyes might’ve even closed as Carlos rest his head on his shoulder. 

“I know I messed up -” he started, but Carlos squeezed him tighter. 

“We both messed up, I think,” he said softly into Jay’s neck. “We just… yelled. And yelled. And didn’t listen.” 

“Yeah, but I left.” Jay pulled back to look at him. “I left, Carlos. And yeah, I was leaving anyway since the trip was planned and packed for and everything. But I should’ve stayed and worked things out; I didn’t listen to how upset you were - or I did and didn’t like what I heard. But you should know that your voice fucking haunted me every second I was out there,” he managed to laugh a little bit. “It wouldn’t leave me alone, dude. And you were right. I was a coward. And I don’t wanna be one anymore.”  

Carlos lifted his head to stare up at him. “I didn’t make it easy for you to want to work things out, though. I… punished you with… shitty words instead of just talking to you. There was some breakdown between us. We shouldn’t do this again. I shouldn’t be considering… risking another fight like that.” 

“But you are?” Jay hated how hopeful he sounded. 

Standing on his tiptoes, Carlos pressed his forehead to Jay’s. “There are always gonna be fights, I suppose. We just gotta learn to handle them… a little better.”

Jay let himself enjoy their current position, breathing in all things Carlos. “We didn’t really grow up with good role models for that.” 

“I know. And I got insecure,” his ex boyfriend sighed. “I was jealous, so I baited you into losing your temper. I said shit I didn’t mean, and if I didn’t mean those things, then how can I sit here and tell you that you meant all the things you said?”

“I never liked Gil,” Jay assured him, still holding him. “Not like that. But instead of listening to you I just - I got cocky and tried to laugh it off and -” 

“Yeah.” Carlos nodded. “You did. And that… hurt. But I know you didn’t mean it. You said you loved me before. And I think you meant it.” 

“I did.” Jay nodded, playing with a strand of Carlos’ hair lightly. “I meant it. And then I fucked it all up and ran away - just like I always do.” 

“You came back, though,” Carlos breathed. “I didn’t think you would come back.” 

“I’m tired of running.” He kept his forehead against Carlos’, speaking softly. “I ran with my words. And then I ran with Gil. I really do care about you. And it might be too late, but… I couldn’t leave again without trying. Without you, I didn’t feel anything. Nothing at all. So, yeah, I was safe. But it wasn’t worth it.” 

“Safe,” Carlos echoed. “Safe from… love?” 

“From losing it.” Jay shook his head. “It doesn’t make sense it - it’s the self-destructive streak in me. Destroying something because I don’t think… well, I didn’t think I deserved it. Which isn’t an excuse! I’m not… excusing what I did.” 

“I know.” Carlos reached down slowly and intertwined their fingers. “I’m not excusing what I did, either. You brushed me off for a week… so I lost my shit… then you lost yours… and so you went on that damn trip without saying anything. And I was really angry about… all of it. The whole thing. What I did. What you did. But after awhile… the hurt faded. I stopped being angry at you for that and started being angry at you for just… not being here. I missed you.” 

“You told Harry and Ben you wished I was dead.” 

Carlos stepped back, squinting at him. “Were you eavesdropping on our toast?” 

“Not on purpose,” Jay shrugged with a small smile. “It’s just always a shock to hear someone you care about toast to your hopeful demise. Kinda couldn’t help listening.” 

“Sorry about that.” Carlos messed with his sleeves. “I was just… really angry tonight. I mean, last year, we -” 

“Snuck away and had way more fun than any of those fuckers downstairs?” Jay really hoped the joke would go over well, and thankfully, he was rewarded with another small smile from Carlos. 

“Yeah.” Carlos moved closer again, placing his hands on Jay’s shoulders. “For the record, I know why you flirt. I know why you do all of that. I know who your dad is and what he made you do to bring him gold and trinkets that were never enough. I’ve never… been jealous of any of your marks. Gil, though, he felt different. I guess… he was the first person I thought of as a threat. He was like me… but better.” 

“Better?” Jay didn’t know how anyone could be better than Carlos. 

“Yeah.” Carlos shook his head. “He was… so sweet. And I know I can get snappy and cynical and… stressed. But everyone in Auradon wants me to be sweet and innocent. They’re always… commenting about my big eyes and how soft I am. But I’m... not. And I thought, well, maybe you wanted that. It’s stupid. I should’ve had more faith in you. You’ve never given me a reason not to trust you -” 

“I don’t want anyone but you.” Jay knew it sounded corny, and he didn’t care. “Seriously, ‘Los, I don’t. I love you. Not… whatever Auradon wants you to be. Got it? And I should’ve told you that. I should’ve assured you that you were good and perfect and instead I panicked and ignored you for a week.” 

“Uh huh.” Carlos reached up to run his fingers over Jay’s lips. It made Jay’s heart pound harder in his chest. “Can I kiss you again?” 

“Depends.” Jay quirked an eyebrow. “Are you sober?” 

Carlos punched his shoulder gently. “It was one glass.” 

“I’m not taking my chances!” 

Carlos hummed a little, smiling. “Good show of character on your part. I guess I wasn’t really thinking when I kissed you before. The second I heard Gil say your name and just lost it. Couldn’t see straight. Downed a glass and then came up to find you. I wanted to yell at you, I think. Or rip your clothes off. Maybe both.” 

“Alcohol will do that to you.” Jay caught the look on Carlos’ face and bit his lip.  “Sorry.” 

“It’s alright.” Carlos’ other hand squeezed his, holding it close. “I just don’t want you to think that I only kissed you because I was drunk. I kissed you because I was angry. And lonely. And angry about being lonely.” 

Jay shrugged some. “But I didn’t want our first kiss in six months to be driven by… that.”

“What did you want?” Carlos’ voice was near breathless again, soft and warm. 

As a man of action, Jay was tired of words; he’d already used up enough to last him a lifetime. And so, he finally closed the gap between them, kissing Carlos for the second time that day. 

And this time, it wasn’t fueled by anger or tears. They kissed softly - slowly - because they were caring for something fragile, stoking the flames of a fire that had nearly died down after imploding them. Jay’s gut flipped for the first time in months, the familiar sound of Carlos de Vil’s little gasps anchoring him to the moment. 

“ Yes,” Carlos whispered finally, coming up for air. “I want - I want that, too.” 

Jay responded with another kiss. He had six month of kisses to make up for and everyone else in the house  was asleep, so no one was around to interrupt. He cupped his hand around the base of Carlos’ neck, his tongue swiping his lips - asking for entrance. After a moment, Carlos gave it, and Jay accepted gratefully. 

“Are we -” Carlos asked in between deep kisses, his mouth open and panting. “Does this mean we’re - you know -” 

Jay slipped his other hand up Carlos’ back gently - slow enough for him to back out if needed. “If you want. We could keep it casual, I guess. You could keep making out with Ben, too.” He clenched his fists, waiting for an answer. 

And Carlos positively whined at the idea. “No, no,” he gasped, pressing into Jay. “You’re so - so much better.” 

“Alright, Pup.” Jay tried not to glow too much, returning to explore the expanse of warm skin beneath Carlos’ shirt. “If you insist.” 

Time didn’t seem to exist right then, and Jay swore he could’ve made out with Carlos until the very end of it, but finally, he slowed - giving Carlos one last peck on the lips. 

“Just so you know… ” he raised an eyebrow. “If we keep going, I’m gonna need to go farther.” Sex wasn’t something he ever got embarrassed about. “And I don’t want the reason we try this thing again to be an excuse for us to hook up.”

Carlos stared at him, and for a second, Jay wondered if he was angry, but then he started to cry. “God, I never - you’re so good, Jay. Twice tonight you’ve… you’ve been so fucking considerate, and I was the one who… yelled at you for being so sex driven and unable to… to do anything other than sex.” 

“Shhh.” Jay thumbed away the tears on Carlos’ cheeks, shaking his head. “No. It’s okay. You were upset. And I love making out with you. I really do. And I love having sex with you, too. I’m so fucking down to do it right now. But I want… I want us to choose that, okay? I don’t wanna rush us back into this thing for sex.” 

And Carlos nodded. There were still tears on his face, though, so Jay leaned forward to kiss them away, even licking a little bit just to make him laugh, which reminded him -

“Where’s Dude?” Jay glanced around. “Doesn’t the little guy always sleep with you?” 

“He’s still with Evie,” Carlos admitted, ducking his head. “That’s where I’ve been sleeping recently. Tonight, though, I just… couldn’t. So I snuck in here.” 

Jay checked his watch. “It’s already past midnight. Think you can sleep now?” 

A hand closed around his wrist. “Where are you going?” 

“Nowhere.” Jay leaned forward to peck his lips again with a laugh. “I promise. I was just asking a question.” 

“Oh.” Carlos pulled him over to the bed. “You wanna - share - or sleep separately?” 

“Share,” Jay admitted. He’d gone six months in a sleeping bag by himself. “If that’s good with you.” 

Carlos nodded and pulled back the blankets, burrowing back underneath and patting the space beside him. Jay stripped down to his boxers before crawling in next to him and switching out the light. 

It felt nice to be close to Carlos again, to feel their faces inches apart and legs tangled together. 

“Hey,” Jay said softly into the darkness. “It’s technically Christmas day.” 

“Mmm.” Carlos sounded sleepy. “Merry Christmas, then. Are you gonna stay? Tomorrow, I mean? Evie’s making cinnamon rolls. Mal said if she didn’t she’d riot and cancel Christmas for everyone.” 

Jay smiled, running his finger along Carlos’ collarbone and shoulder - pale and freckled in the silver light cast by the window. “Yeah, ‘Los. I’ll stay. And I’m gonna ask Evie to alter her spell, too, so Gil and I can stay here for awhile longer. It was supposed to take us back the twenty-sixth, but… I’m gonna need more time than that.” 

“Okay.” Carlos’ voice had dropped to a near whisper. “Hey, Jay?” 

“Yeah?” 

“I’m sorry. And I love you.” 

“I’m sorry, Carlos. I love you, too.” And the first time in a long, long time, Jay fell asleep with a smile on his face. 

----

 

In the soft blue early hours of the next morning, the door to their bedroom creaked open. Jay was already awake - lying still to keep from disturbing a sleeping Carlos - but he could see the doorway as he peeked over a freckled shoulder. 

“Carlos?” Evie whispered, poking her head in and looking very concerned. “Hey, I just -” Her eyes seemed to settle on the scene in front of her, taking in Carlos’ sleeping form tangled around Jay’s. After a few moments of pure confusion, her face morphed into something that looked a lot like relief. 

“ Jay !” she cried, stepping a little farther into the room. 

Jay held a finger to his lips, gesturing to Carlos’ sleeping form, and she nodded quickly. 

“What - I don’t understand -” She’d lowered her voice, thankfully, but Carlos stirred a little anyway. The island tended to breed light sleepers, and Carlos was no exception. 

“We made up,” Jay whispered, returning his gaze to Carlos for a moment. He really did like to watch him sleep in a not-creepy sort of way; Carlos’ face smoothed out and the tension seeped away from his body. He looked much younger, more innocent, like someone who hadn’t lived the life he’d lived. 

“Made up or made out?” 

Jay laughed a little, hoping it didn’t shake Carlos awake. “What if I said it was a little bit of both?” 

Evie’s face lit up even more, and she couldn’t seem to take her eyes off them. Leaning on the door a little, she nodded. “Well… I guess I’ll set another place for breakfast then?” 

“Yeah.” He nodded, curling one arm behind his head - the other being stuck underneath Carlos. “Could you maybe change the spell a little? So I can stay a bit longer?” 

She clasped her hands together - probably waking up Carlos for good - but she looked so cute it didn’t really matter. “Oh, I was so hoping you’d ask that. Of course! I’ll go and work on that right now! Of course, I might need Mal’s help, but I think…” her voice faded as she moved quickly out into the hallway. 

Beside him, Carlos stretched - yawning a little. One eye opened and then the other. He looked up into Jay’s face for a few moments - unfocused and calm. “I forgot,” he said finally in a hoarse voice. 

“Forgot what?” Jay would never, ever get tired of staring at a half awake Carlos - with his curls all tousled and wild. 

“What it’s like to wake up with you.” A happy smile spread its way across Carlos’ face. “It’s nice.” 

“You forgot!” Jay shoved his arm playfully. “How could you forget?!” 

“I had to!” he laughed quietly, shaking his head on the pillow. “Just shut up and kiss me good morning like a normal boyfriend.” 

“‘Los?” Jay swallowed a little, chewing on his bottom lip. The nickname brought a pink flush to Carlos’ cheeks, and for a moment, Jay allowed himself to be distracted. But he couldn’t stay that way for very long. “I’m not… a normal boyfriend. You know that, right? I’m probably gonna fuck up again. Maybe multiple times. I hate it. I’m doing my best, I swear. And I’ll do better because god if I could wake up and hear your voice every day for the rest -” 

“Hey.” Carlos’ hand touched his arm gently, followed by his lips. “I know. I was only joking.” He slipped his hand into Jay’s. “And I want you, okay? Exactly how you are. Fuck ups and all.”

And that was all Jay could take. He leaned down and pressed his lips to Carlos’, kissing him gratefully.   

Pretty soon, someone was yelling about presents and people getting their asses downstairs, which forced them to break apart. As Jay sat there laughing, half on top of Carlos, he couldn’t help grinning down at him. 

“Oh, no,” Carlos groaned. “I know that face. That’s an ‘I-have-a-cheesy-pick-up-line’ face.” 

“‘Los,” Jay smirked, doing his best to turn on the charm. “How can I be excited about opening gifts underneath the tree when I have the best present underneath me?”

Their laughter grew louder, mixed with shouts as Carlos began beating him with a pillow, and Jay suddenly wondered why he’d gone halfway around the world to find paradise. 

If this is Christmas morning is supposed to feel like, he sighed happily, still fending off pillow attacks. Then I’d like it to be Christmas every single day.