Work Text:
“Y’know, Atsushi-kun… I’d die for you.”
Atsushi blinked, looking up from his book to lock gazes with Dazai. It was certainly a random declaration, but it wasn’t an odd idea coming from the brunet. The teen sighed and slipped his bookmark into his book so he could give his boyfriend his attention.
“Dazai-san, not to be disrespectful or anything, but there’s not a lot you wouldn’t die for. I appreciate the sentiment though.” He gave Dazai a soft smile, shaking his head when the other let out a gasp.
“Atsushi-kun, I’m wounded! Do you really think that?” Dazai pouted at him, giving an expression of mock hurt.
“Do you really need me to answer that?” Atsushi tilted his head, unable to help but laugh at Dazai’s expression. “Dazai-san, please. I know you love me, you tell me all the time. Please don’t die for my sake, though. That wouldn’t be fair to you.”
Atsushi knew that Dazai often wanted to die. He didn’t think he would ever be able to truly understand, but he liked to think that he felt like he thought similarly about himself.. After all, he didn’t put too much value in his own life. If he could be useful to someone else, then maybe he’d have a reason to exist on this earth. He didn’t see why someone would sacrifice themselves for someone who had such a flimsy purpose.
Shaking those thoughts from his head, he focused back on Dazai, and was surprised to see the sad expression on his face. “Dazai-san, what-”
“Do you really, truly think that you’re not worth dying for, Atsushi-kun?” Dazai’s voice was not accusing, soft in volume. He stood, making his way over to the teen. The cushions of the couch dipped as he sat next to Atsushi.
“I don’t think that the current issue is whether I’m worth it or not, Dazai-san. I’m more concerned about you actually dying.” Atsushi frowned at the brunet. “Besides, I’ve stopped you from dying for plenty of things, whether I thought they were worth dying for or not.”
Dazai’s expression didn’t change much. His eyes still looked sad, though disbelieving. That probably meant that he didn’t agree with Atsushi, but this wasn’t an uncommon occurrence.
It seemed like neither of them knew how to continue this conversation, because the silence stretched on for what felt like several minutes until Dazai finally looked away with a deep sigh. He flopped over, resting his head on Atsushi’s lap and effectively startling the teen.
“I’m tired, so I’m going to take a nap,” came the quiet excuse.
“Mm, alright Dazai-san. I’ll do my best not to wake you if I need to move.” Atsushi opened his book and started reading again, one hand drifting down to gently run his fingers through chocolate-colored strands.
After a while, Dazai’s breathing seemed to even out, though Atsushi wasn’t positive if he was actually sleeping or not. Atsushi worried that he had upset the brunet, but he wasn’t sure if he should apologize or not. Habit had him wanting to, but he was trying to be better about thinking things through before actually saying sorry.
The subject didn’t come up in conversation again for a while after that. That didn’t mean it had been forgotten about, however. Things were tense between the two of them for several days, even if they tried to act normal in front of everyone. Except… it was quite obvious that nothing was normal with them.
Dazai would spend even more time away from his desk, even going as far as to sometimes work on his assignments from the couch. Atsushi would try and take as many field assignments or errands as possible. They wouldn’t even take assignments together unless Kunikida demanded it. Atsushi could tell that the blond had picked up on the fact that something was wrong. Of course Ranpo knew, but he wouldn’t butt in unless he thought someone was actually in danger.
Neither of them could find a way to approach the topic until after a joint assignment. It was Atsushi, Dazai, and Akutagawa working together to look into a trail for an organization that both sides had been looking for.
Dazai was quiet, eyes peeled for anything suspicious. Atsushi was also quiet, working all his senses so that they could find what they were looking for. Akutagawa’s presence alone would’ve normally made the air crackle with tension, but even the raven was looking between Atsushi and the brunet. Atsushi ignored it though, he had enough on his plate as it was.
Atsushi finally caught wind of something, but it wasn’t something worth celebrating over. He jumped into action faster than Dazai could react, and the taller male could only let out a sound of surprise as he was toppled over by the teen.
“Dazai-san! Weretiger, what the hell was that?!” Akutagawa snapped at the teen as he stomped over, Rashoumon materializing from his coat as if he was going to fight Atsushi if he didn’t like his answer. Which probably wouldn’t be too far from the truth.
“I don’t know, but there was a sound over by that tree over there,” Atsushi started to explain before he could even climb off of Dazai, which he was now in the process of doing. “It sounded like a dart being blown, but from that distance, it couldn’t have been.” He pointed to the tree he was talking about.
Dazai sat up from under him, glancing over in the direction the teen was pointing. “A sniper, most likely. It means we’re close. I think we should be fine for now, unless they have more planted. Once a sniper’s location is out, they’re in big trouble, and Atsushi-kun knows where they are.”
That meant that they had to continue with even more caution, and that Akutagawa was going to be even more on edge. Atsushi thought this mission probably couldn’t get much worse than it already was.
Thanks to their luck, or lack thereof whenever they were with Dazai, they ended up having quite a fight in the enemy headquarters. Atsushi was good at fighting with Akutagawa, it was something they had worked on despite their dislike for each other, but it was made difficult when he was also trying to cover for Dazai. The brunet was awful at the physical aspects of a fight, and Atsushi really didn’t want him getting seriously injured.
Which, of course, Dazai had a problem with. He kept telling Atsushi to stop watching him and focus on the enemy, and Atsushi kept ignoring him. Until Akutagawa snapped at them both to quit their lover’s spat and help or they could leave. That got Atsushi focused and he ran back into the fight, because arguing with Akutagawa always had him in the mood to fight.
On the way home and during the process of writing their reports, Dazai looked like he was upset, and Atsushi didn’t know what he had done wrong. Was it wrong to want to protect the one he cared for, even with his life? His eyes widened.
Now he thought he understood why Dazai was angry.
Once they were home, Atsushi was fully planning on confronting Dazai about earlier, and their conversation from before all this. He was surprised when Dazai spoke first.
“I can’t believe you, Atsushi-kun. You’re such a hypocrite. How can you talk to me about not throwing my life away to protect you when you’re completely willing to do the same?” Dazai actually sounded angry, the hurt evident in his voice as he continued. “You’re naive and gullible, but you’re a smart kid. I thought you’d know better than that.”
Now it was Atsushi’s turn to feel hurt. “You say that, and as true as it may be, I’m not the only one who’s a hypocrite, Dazai-san,” he stated firmly. Atsushi saw the way Dazai’s eyes widened, but he had a point to make, and he wasn’t going to stop now.
“You tell me that I should stop thinking poorly of myself, and that I should find something to live for. You want me to put value in my life, so that maybe I’ll someday love myself as much as I love every one of you at the Agency. That I shouldn’t throw my life away for the sake of others.”
Atsushi crossed his arms, frowning as he stared up at his boyfriend. “You say all these things, Dazai-san, and then you turn around and do very similar things. You throw yourself away because you say you don’t want to live. You’re very smart, so you can clearly see the reasons why you could put value in your life, just like everyone else can see them.”
Dazai opened his mouth to say something, but the teen cut him off. He wasn’t done.
“You joined the ADA because you decided you would be good. You’re living for others because you can’t live for yourself. That’s still a reason to live! I don’t know why exactly you don’t want to live, and I’m not going to act like I understand why you actively look for a way to end it, but you are just as hypocritical as me if you tell me to live and then you try to find a way to die, and it’s time that someone called you out on it.”
Atsushi finally went quiet, though he was visibly worked up. The silence stretched over several minutes before Dazai broke it.
“.....pfft.”
Was Dazai… laughing? Atsushi blinked before his eyes widened in surprise. At least it looked like he was trying to hold it back, but Dazai was totally laughing.
“I’m sorry, Atsushi-kun,” Dazai apologized before giving him a sheepish smile. “Honestly… you’re right. It’s about time someone called me out on it. It’s just funny to me that it was you , of all people. I expected this kind of speech from Kunikida-kun, or something.”
Ah. Atsushi supposed that made sense. Still…
“Did you really have to laugh, though? I’m being completely serious!” Atsushi huffed. “I don’t appreciate being laughed at when I’m trying to prove a point, Dazai-san.” He let out a surprised sound when Dazai leaned over and pressed a soft kiss to his lips.
“I know you’re being serious, Atsushi-kun,” he murmured. “And so am I. So, since we both don’t want the other to die for us… how about we come to another kind of agreement?”
Atsushi blinked and tilted his head, curious as to what Dazai was going to propose. “What do you mean, Dazai-san?” Dazai smiled in response.
“Let’s live for each other.”
Atsushi couldn’t help but gasp. He didn’t know how they didn’t think of that before. But… Dazai, wanting to live for him. The idea had his heart racing and his gaze blurring with tears. “D-Dazai-san…”
“Oh Atsushi-kun… my sweet little tiger. You don’t have to cry. Come here.” Dazai pulled the teen close, holding him tightly as he pressed his cheek against silver strands. He whispered soft comforts to his boyfriend, which only caused Atsushi to cry more.
He felt bad, but having Dazai tell him all these good, nice things had him relieved. Atsushi felt so loved, and it made him happy. They were happy tears.
When he finally stopped crying, Dazai led him over to the couch and they sat down together. Dazai pulled Atsushi into his lap, letting the smaller male lean against him and tuck his head under his chin
“Why don’t you get some rest, Atsushi-kun? We’ve had quite the difficult week, and today wasn’t much easier.” Atsushi felt fingers running through his hair, and he closed his eyes with a hum of agreement.
“Okay. Thank you, Dazai-san,” he mumbled, allowing himself to press impossibly closer to the brunet under him as he felt a blanket being wrapped around him. It made him glad that they always kept one on the couch for reasons like this.
“Sweet dreams, Atsushi-kun. I love you.”
Atsushi smiled softly, even as he was drifting off. Today had been exhausting for sure, and Dazai’s heartbeat was lulling him to sleep even faster. “Mm… I love you too.”
You could only die once. Atsushi knew that. So he could only die for Dazai once. It made sense. But that meant that he could live for him every day, for the rest of his life. And that idea…
It made him happy.