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"if we want the rewards of being loved we have to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known"- Tim Kreider, NYTimes
The midday summer sun felt like a spotlight on Aziraphale as he paced in the back room of his bookshop, muttering furiously to himself. It had been little over a week since he had stood side by side with a demon, a witch, a witchfinder, and the antichrist and his friends against the collective forces of heaven and hell to stop the long awaited apocalypse. He barely had time to process that he betrayed all he had ever known in doing so, before Crowley and he had to narrowly escape executions by their respective head offices for doing the right thing. And yet, somehow, they had survived it all and were left to live on earth, free of obligation and retribution from either side.
For so long Aziraphale had only ever known what Heaven had told him, but then he had met Crowley, a not so evil demon, and his understanding of the world slowly went from black and white to shades of grey. As the centuries passed and they went from supernatural enemies to having the Arrangement, Crowley slowly slithered his say into a special part of Aziraphale’s heart. But they were on opposite sides -or so Aziraphale had told himself up until the apocalypse. Therefore, Aziraphale never expressed his true feelings to the demon and their relationship went no further than close friends, even when Crowley showed in not so subtle ways that he cared for Aziraphale as much as Aziraphale did for him.
But now with their respective head offices no longer concerned with what they did on Earth, Aziraphale finally had the time and space to fully embrace and enjoy all the pleasures of life without fear of being caught and punished. And the first thing on his long list was taking his and Crowley’s relationship to the next level- but that was easier said than done. The angel had wanted to pour out all his feelings to Crowley the moment he had decided to rebel against heaven, but then there was the apocalypse to stop and executions to avoid and Aziraphale didn’t exactly want to confess his undying love for a demon while in the body of a sex worker and faux psychic, lovely as she was, nor while he was body swapped with Crowley. Even after that was all over and they had gone to lunch at the Ritz, Aziraphale found himself too tongue tied and riddled with anxiety to say anything. Crowley had noticed the tension floating around the angel like fog on their drive home and tried to get him to open up. But instead of taking the opportunity to say what he had been bottling up for centuries, Aziraphale just shakily dismissed the concern and made a hasty retreat into his bookshop as soon as the car hit the curb without so much as a thanks for lunch, goodbye.
Ever since then, Aziraphale had been avoiding Crowley’s calls and texts, even closing up the bookshop and pretending he wasn’t in when he heard the Bentley roar outside.
“Oh bother!”, Aziraphale sighed, stopping abruptly in his pacing to slump in a nearby chair, “Why am I still hesitating?!”.
Did he not have feelings for Crowley anymore? Absolutely not, if anything they had grown stronger and harder to ignore by the day. Was there anything standing in their way? No, he was sure heaven and hell had more important things to figure out, like where they had gone wrong with the apocalypse, than what a rogue demon and angel were up to. Perhaps, he feared Crowley no longer cared for him and that he was too late to being honest? If the many texts, concerned voicemails, and gifts of his favorite treats left on his doorstep were any indication, that was a big no too. So then what was it? What was holding Aziraphale back from taking that final step? All these questions had swirled through his head since he last saw Crowley, but Aziraphale already knew the answer to that question. He had known it ever since he had run from Crowley and his furrowed brow in the Bentley.
He hadn’t told Crowley yet because he was afraid to take that next step. Not because he questioned his or Crowley’s feelings, but because once he took this next step, their relationship would be forever changed and there would be no going back. On the one hand, that was all Aziraphale had ever wanted for centuries now, but on the other they had a really great thing going and he worried that being a couple would make things different. What if being together wasn’t all that he imagined and hope? What if it just made things awkward? What if walking through St. James Park holding hands, sharing a loving kiss out at dinner, or lying together in the bookshop would be filled with awkward tension of keeping up expectations? Aziraphale knew that at the heart of his hesitation was this fear of things changing and not being better, but worse. He knew this, and yet, he kept questioning if it might be something else as a way of avoiding taking that last step off the cliff of all he had known and embracing the unknown and uncontrollable feeling of loving someone and being loved in return.
Aziraphale heaved a big sigh, dropping his head rather harshly onto the wooden desk beneath him. “At this rate, I’ll never tell him”, he mumbled into the wood grain below him.
He was just about to start another round of those pointless questions followed by more moping of his situation with a mix of daydreaming that things would magically work themselves out when his cellphone began to buzz on the table in front of him. It was a gift from Adam as part of the renewal of his bookshop. Aziraphale didn’t need to look up to see who it was, as there was only one person who knew the number. Instead he used one hand to fumble for the power button and decline the call, but in his attempt to do so his finger accidentally swiped across the screen, answering the call.
“Angel?”, came the concerned voice of Crowley from the phone.
Aziraphale let out a squeak and he shot up out his chair, fumbling to get the phone and hang up.
But just as he was about to press end call, the demon himself came shooting out of the phone and into Aziraphale’s back room. Aziraphale could only stand in shock and stare as Crowley glowered down at him. The last thing he needed right now was a confrontation with the subject of his undying affection.
“Ahhh”, Crowley said as he stretched and he cracked his neck, “You see, answering the phone wasn’t so hard was it?”
“Crow-Crowley!” Aziraphale squeaked out, hurriedly trying to erase all traces of his disheveled appearance, “I just got back in and-”, he began to lie, but was cut off by the burning anger in Crowley’s eyes.
“BULLSHIT!”, Crowley snapped as he slinked close to Aziraphale, like a snake closing in on a tiny field mouse.
Aziraphale took a step back only for Crowley to mirror him until he was pressed against the bookshelf behind him with Crowley looming over him.
“What? I-” Aziraphale fumbled, trying to slide away but was silenced when Crowley slammed his hands on either side of the angels face.
“Don’t lie to me angel! I know you didn’t just get back. I know that you have, in fact, been hiding out here for the past week. And I know that you have been avoiding me” Crowley spit the words out like venom, “and if you want to keep on doing that, fine by me, but answer me one thing!”
“Any-anything, my dear”, Aziraphale stuttered out, willing to perform a miracle at this point if it meant Crowley wouldn’t look at him with such contempt.
In an instant Crowley’s face went from burning with righteous anger to that of a beaten puppy. In a heartbreakingly pleading tone the demon croaked out, “what did I do wrong?”
Aziraphale was overcome with shame as he watched tears start to form in the shining snakelike orbs looking down at him, begging for answers.
Before he could stop himself, Aziraphale began babbling, his voice breaking and cracking and tumbling over itself.
“Oh Crowley, my dearest demon. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. It’s I who has done something terrible. I have been having quite the crisis these past few days and needed time to sort through it all before coming to you, but I didn’t stop to think about what my evasion might do to you. I would never want to hurt you of all people. I am so sorry for making you ever think otherwise.”
Crowley’s eyebrows raised warily, and his arms slowly softened, but before he could ask what he meant, Aziraphale took a deep breathe and took the jump.
“I love you Crowley, I have for a very long time. I never told you because I feared for what might happen to us if we went there. Not only because I feared heaven finding out and taking you away from me, but because I feared what would happen to us. I know I haven’t been the easiest companion at times, but our relationship means the world to me and I wouldn’t want anything to ruin that, least of all my desire for more. And I know that you’ve been desiring more too and that my refusal has caused you pain, but I just couldn’t bring myself to embrace it what with our head offices watching, and then the apocalypse began, and it just never seemed the right time. So, I just couldn’t bring myself to tell you until now. And for that and everything else, I am so very sorry my dear, my darling, my love. Please, please forgive me. Please tell me I am not too late.”
By the end of his rant, Aziraphale’s voice had all but gone hoarse and tears ran rivers down his face, but he refused to look away even for a moment. He would face whatever came of his confession, good or bad.
Crowley stood as still as stone, mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water gasping for air. In the moments that followed, which felt like an eternity, Crowley’s face went from shock to realization to amusement to elation to finally settling on love that nearly discorporated Aziraphale on the spot.
“Oh angel, my angel”, Crowley whispered softly, his eyes shining with joy and love, so much love. Then Crowley took a final step and the gap that had been between them all these years finally closed. Neither was sure which one of them made the first move, but it didn’t matter because suddenly they were kissing, hands gripping each other’s lapels and tangling in the others hair. And it was like supernovas were exploding like a whale breaching the surface of water to take a breath. It may have been their first kiss, but it felt familiar and warm and like destiny. Apart they were an angel and a demon, but together they were something entirely new and beyond human comprehension.
After what felt like forever but also far too short of time, they parted ever so slightly, still connected by sweaty foreheads and tangled limbs. Crowley was the first to speak.
“About bloody fucking time we did that”, he huffed, but there was no real malice behind his words and Aziraphale could tell he was fighting back a grin.
“Yes, well you know what they say, good things come to those who wait”, Aziraphale teased, leaning in for another kiss and Crowley was already ahead of him, with gentle hands cupping his face and warm inviting lips. This one smoldered Aziraphale to his very core and with it he could feel all his anxieties and the last shreds of his devotion to anything but the demon before him burn away.