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Patton poked at his rib. The harsh angles of himself were reflected in the mirror. He shivered despite the warm temperature of his room. It was 85 degrees and he was cold. He wondered if sides could die. He knew they could duck out like Virgil did before he was accepted, but could they waste away in to a puddle of nothing?
Patton didn’t think so. If he was human he was fairly sure he would have been dead already.
It hadn’t always been like that. When they were kids Roman and Patton would make pillow forts in the commons and lay against each other when Thomas listened to a story. When they got a little older and Roman didn’t want to make pillow forts anymore he still liked to sit on the couch and watch movies, and Patton would watch with him, braiding the hair he liked to keep long, and Logan would like to show him the science experiments and research he did, and didn’t mind if Patton invaded his space a little bit for a hug or to get a better view of whatever vial he was showing.
They got a little older still and Roman didn’t like to watch movies so much and he made his hair short, but he also took up dancing, and Patton would look up partner dances in musicals and suggest they do them, and they would dance and mess up and end up together, laughing on the floor with limbs loosely intertwined. Logan started withdrawing, but he didn’t mind if Patton cuddled up to him a little bit while he was watching a documentary or sat a little close when he was helping Thomas with homework, and Patton was making sure he didn’t get too stressed out.
They got a little older and Logan started helping Thomas from his room. Patton would offer hugs and he would accept them, but Patton knew he was just doing it to be nice. Logan was logic: he didn’t need physical contact. Roman and Patton got better at dancing, so they no longer ended up in a puddle on the floor, but the dances still had a lot of contact. Besides, he started getting in to movies again and didn’t mind Patton cuddling with him while they watched.
They got a little older and Logan started refusing Patton’s hugs. After a week where Logan refused all his hugs Patton stopped offering, but it was fine. He still danced and cuddled with Roman. He got a little skinnier, but he had been a little chubby before. He was fine. He knew he was. So why didn’t he feel fine?
They got a little older and Anxiety started hanging around the light side commons sometimes when Thomas was meditating. Anxiety was so thrown off the first time it happened that when Patton approached him to see how he was doing he latched on to his leg. Patton brought him to the couch and helped him up. Anxiety wrapped his arms around Patton and buried his face in to his chest, not letting go for the entire time he was there. Then Thomas stopped meditating and Anxiety disappeared. Patton was surprised to rediscover the feeling of being comfortably full. The next time Anxiety appeared he was a little less confused and made it to the couch, although he was nearly bouncing off the walls. Patton came over and they cuddled.
“‘M sorry I’m so needy. He’s never focused so much on me before, and I just need something to ground me while I work through all the energy he sends me.”
“No, no, kiddo, I love cuddling with you. I’m happy to stay here as long as you need. I can work from here, too!”
“But isn’t it easier to work in your room?”
“A bit, but if you need me here, then I don’t have any problem working from the couch.”
“Okay.”
Anxiety started to become less and less disoriented when he showed up in the light side until he ducked out, and after being coaxed back out, appeared in the light side for good. Virgil never asked Patton for cuddles again, although he took every hug Patton offered.
Slowly, Patton stopped offering. The others didn’t need contact. They had their own things to deal with and didn’t have time to set aside just to cuddle with Patton. Besides, Roman and Patton still cuddled when they watched movies, even though that was becoming less and less frequent with Thomas starting to need Roman more for all of the creative projects he was taking on, but that was fine. Roman no longer danced with Patton so that he could devote enough time to brainstorming and acting, but that was fine. Patton was fine. His pants wouldn’t stay up without a belt anymore.
They were preparing for a trip, so everyone was busy. Roman was locked in his room helping brainstorm and act out ideas for the short videos they would prerecord. Logan was locked in his room helping to put together packing lists and edit the short videos. Virgil was locked in his room trying to control all the anxiety around the trip and funneling it so that Thomas stayed productive without having too much anxiety. He’s making sure Thomas stays at the top of the yerkes-dodson curve, Patton’s mind helpfully recalled. Patton himself was making sure the others didn’t neglect their self-care and helping keep his emotions in check. No one had time for cuddles or hugs, but it was fine. Patton just made his shirt thicker so that he stayed warmer and the others didn’t notice how it hung off of his frame now. They didn’t need extra worry. He was fine.
Patton looked up, as the door to his room swung open. It was Deceit.
“Hey, what can I do for you?” he asked cheerfully, flopping back on to his bed. He wasn’t sure how much longer his legs could have supported his negligible weight.
“The real question isn’t what can I do for you?”
“What do you mean?”
“Are you okay?”
“Of course I am! What about you? Have you and Remus been eating properly? I can whip something up for you two and-”
“We’re aren’t capable of taking care of ourselves. Have you been eating properly?”
“Aw, are you worried about me? That’s so sweet! Of course I’ve been eating properly.”
Deceit stepped forward. Patton didn’t have the energy to push himself away, as Deceit grabbed the edge of his t-shirt and pulled it up, revealing the ribs aching to out of his skin and the jagged points of Patton’s hip bones against the pants held up by a belt he had had to shrink in order to get it to fit. Patton pushed the shirt back down, ignoring the flash of pain in Deceit’s eyes.
“They aren’t going to help you if you let them.”
“They’re busy, and I’m fine! Really.”
“I can’t tell when you’re lying. Thomas doesn’t need all his sides healthy and functioning in order to stay healthy.”
“Well, I am healthy and functioning.”
“You’re not being hypocritical.”
“How am I being hypocritical?”
“You didn’t say lying is wrong,” Deceit replied, sinking out of the room. Patton watched the spot where he had been for a minute before peeling himself off the bed and going to make dinner for the others.
The next day he couldn’t muster the energy to get out of bed. He sorted through emotions from his bed. At breakfast time he heard a knock on his door.
“What’s up?”
“The ceiling,” Logan replied, “Will you be joining us for breakfast?”
“No, I’m not feeling too hot right now.”
“Okay, is there anything we can do for you?”
“Not right now.”
“Will you be joining us for lunch?”
“I’ll see how I’m feeling then, okay?”
“Okay. Are you certain there is nothing we can do?”
“Yup! Have a good day!”
“I hope you recover quickly.”
Patton heard Logan walking away. Patton felt so tired and cold. He waved his hand to make his room warmer. I’m being like a reptile , he thought, giggling at the comparison. It was 90 degrees and he was cold. He pulled his blankets up closer to his chin. He was fine.
A few hours later he heard another knock on his door.
“What’s up?”
“I was wondering if I might accompany you to lunch?” Roman asked.
“Oh, I’m still not feeling too good.”
“Alas, is there anything I can get you to speed your recovery?”
“No, I’m good.”
“Are you sure? Not even the breakfast you missed? I must admit it’s slightly burnt. Logan spent far too long trying to get the ingredients perfectly measured, and I rushed through a much simpler breakfast fueled by hunger.”
Laughter bubbled up in Patton from the imagery, “What did you make?”
“Bacon and eggs. I would have made something extravagant, but the resident nerd had already taken up half an hour trying to measure exactly one cup of milk.”
“That sounds good.”
“Excellent, I shall go retrieve it at once!”
Patton quickly summoned tissues in to the trash can next to the bed along with a half-empty tissues box. He turned down the temperature in the room to a more reasonable 75 degrees and hoped it would be enough to convince Roman. He opened the door, took a look at the trash can and tissues, made a face Patton vaguely placed as sympathetic. He put a tupperware of slightly steaming bacon and eggs on the bedside table with a glass of milk.
“I’m barely a call away if you should desire something more,” he said, then showed himself back out of the door. Patton heated his room back up and took the food in to his lap, slowly chewing and savoring its warmth.
A few more hours passed and another knock sounded on his door.
“What’s up?”
“Um, are you coming for dinner? I know Roman said you’re pretty sick, but Logan said I should invite you anyways, um, ah, I should probably actually let you answer, right?” Virgil replied, a tiny chuckle punctuating his question.
“Yeah, I’m still not doing too great.”
“Okay, um, do you want some more food? We just made sandwiches for lunch because I didn’t trust Logan or Roman in the kitchen again.”
“I don’t think that’s fair; Roman’s bacon and eggs were pretty good.”
“That’s because I took them off of the skillet for him before they were completely ruined and used a bit of Mindscape magic to clean them up. Uh, does peanut butter and jelly sound good?”
“Yeah. Thanks, kiddo.”
“No problem, Pat.”
Patton turned the temperature in his room down again and waited for Virgil to come back. A few minutes later the door slowly inched open and Virgil set the food on the bedside table, silently taking the dishes from earlier and letting himself back out. Patton slowly ate the sandwich. It was made with the blackberry and pomegranate Crofters had made for Logan and crunchy peanut butter. He was just finishing up draining the glass of milk when another knock came on his door.
“What’s up?”
“Thomas got through everything he needed to today and is just watching tv in his downtime, so I was wondering if you wanted to sit together and binge Parks and Rec with him?”
“I would love to!” Patton replied. His heart screamed to hold and cuddle Virgil. He beat it back with a broom. He wouldn’t make Virgil uncomfortable.
Virgil came in to the room and sat on the floor in front of Patton’s bed. Patton waved a hand to have the tv tune in to Thomas’s vision. He rolled over and started gently running his hands through Virgil’s hair. Virgil relaxed against the edge of the bed.
“Do you want to make a pillow fort?” Patton ventured.
“Why not?”
Virgil did most of the work clearing a spot and setting it up, then Patton pulled himself inside. It had been too long since he had made a pillow fort. He had forgotten how good it felt to have your own little world. Virgil crawled in next to him, and Patton adjusted himself until he could comfortably mess with Virgil’s hair again. Virgil leaned against him, and Patton moved an arm around his shoulder. By the time Thomas went to bed, Virgil was half-asleep in Patton’s lap.
“Hey, Pat?”
“Yeah?”
“Why’d you really not come out?”
“I wasn’t feeling good.”
“Your trash can is full of tissues, but you haven’t even used one while I was in here.”
Patton’s mind raced for an excuse and came up empty.
“And I can feel your hipbones. You weren’t this skinny when I first came to the mindscape. Are you okay?”
“Yeah.”
“Why are you so skinny?”
“Well, it’s, um, touch is like food to me?”
Virgil was silent for a moment. Patton could practically see the gears turning in his head.
“Why didn’t you tell anyone?” he whispered.
“I just...didn’t want you to worry.”
“You do know who you’re talking to, right? I’m always going to worry about you.”
“Well, you just seemed like you needed your space, and I didn’t want to pressure you in to doing something you didn’t want to.”
“Pat, I love your hugs. I never asked because I didn’t want to pressure you in to doing something you didn’t want to.”
Pat let out a tiny chuckle, “We’re quite the pair, aren’t we?”
Virgil hummed against him, “Do you want me to tell Logan and Roman?”
“Probably should.”
“We’re not going to let you starve.”
“Okay.”
“I love you, Pat, platonically. I know Roman and Logan do, too.”
“Okay,” Patton replied, and he was better than fine.