Chapter Text
J'avais jamais vu de nuit aussi calme
Je la regarde enchaîner les cigarettes
Ses larmes coulent en silence on entend toujours les cigales. /
I've never seen such a calm night. I'm looking at her smoking cigarettes on cigarettes,
her tears are silently running down her cheeks while we're still hearing the cicadas song.
When Derek arrived at the trailer Addison was sitting outside. Of course she was, he knew how much she hated this place. And to be fair, he had to admit it might be the reason why he kept refusing to leave this place. Some part of Mcdreamy wanted the adulterous wife to pay. He wanted Addison to suffer as much as him. After all, she put them through all of this. She was the one who's been cheating. He just forgot to mention his wife to his new girlfriend. His " perfect twelve years old " as broken doctor Montgomery kept calling her.
" I had no idea you liked smoking .
She took a deep breath: -That makes us even. I guess I juste needed something. I hate it. I hate smoking . And after a long pause, she added : I don't know why I keep doing that.
Derek raised his shoulders as he sat next to her : -Then you just have to stop. There is no point in smoking if you don't enjoy it. I mean I guess…
She stared, silent first, then : -I am not talking about smoking, Derek. But you have a point. Why should I keep fighting for your love when you don't even love me anymore? Maybe you were right. Maybe I am just the adulterous wife to you.
-Meredith wasn't a fling. Was the only thing Derek could say, he blamed himself for that.
-I know. And I wasn't the love of your life, and I don't do smoking. See? Sometimes, things happen. Most of the time, shit happens.
Derek moved closer: -Addie …
- Don't Addie me. She stood up. The night was so calm Derek. No rush, no worries. But we're both tired of fighting for something that is pointless."
And tears rolled down her perfect white cheeks. But she didn't seem to notice them. Addison Montgomery was brilliant. Addison Montgomery was beautiful. Addison Montgomery was a lot of things and among all, she cared about her dignity. Not because she cared about what people might think – she had learnt not to – but because she couldn't handle being broken. Addison Montgomery couldn't handle her sorrow. She was strong. She was proud. And she didn't want to face her sadness. So the tears kept rolling down and she kept ignoring them. Maybe she was going to miss this trailer after all. She weakly smiled at the thought.
" Are we over, Addison? She just nodded. Is this really going to be how we end? She kept nodding. I thought it would have been different.
She stopped him: - Don't make it any harder than it already is. Addison fired her last cigarette of the night. At least now, we get to be friends.
-Friends, right. He sighed. I am sorry, Addison. I should have been completely honest with you.
-You have been honest, Derek. You told me you wanted to try. It didn't work. I just don't want us to be miserable trying to fix something which is too broken to be fixed. Her free hand rested on his shoulder. Don't break her, Derek. She's worth fighting for. "
Those were her final words. And then she left. She left him, she left Seattle. She moved to LA. She needed a fresh start. She deserved a fresh start.
***
On se blesserait même avec zéro mot
Pourtant aucun mur sur cette terre
Ne pourrait étouffer le cri de nos phéromones/
We would still hurt each other even without talking
but there's no wall on this ground that could muffle
the noises of our pheromones.
Every single person of this hospital knew they didn't need words to hurt each other. They didn't even need to act. No really, staring at each other was enough for them: they could be standing in the very opposite of the hallway but it didn't matter, their looks were so intense and so furious they could both feel the burning sensation on their skin. " Why is Addison Montgomery back to Seattle Grace? " asked Derek to his chief. He stared at her, standing in the corner of the secretaries desk, talking with Bailey. Her eyes were looking over the little woman, her eyes were burning him and he could feel his violent desire for the redhead. " Why is Mchot not in LA anymore? " Asked Cristina to her worried best friend as they got down the stairs. She just raised her shoulders not knowing what to say. And it happened again, their love triangle.
Derek had seen Meredith coming. She stopped as she got down of the last step, staring at his ex wife. Derek had seen Meredith getting silent as she realised Addison Montgomery was standing in the same room than her. And Derek started to wonder why his girlfriend wasn't even looking at him. Derek started to wonder why Meredith couldn't take her eyes off of the very beautiful Ob-gyn. Maybe she was worried he would be tempted to go to her again. Maybe she was wondering why could have brought her back to Seattle. He was just wondering the same.
They didn't need words to hurt each other. And Derek was miles away from the truth. Meredith was staring because Meredith was feeling something she had tried very hard to push away. Addison was standing there and Meredith couldn't stop thinking about what she would like to tell her. It was strange feeling this way for her boyfriend's ex-wife. But something had happened between them when they were working together. Something had happened when Addison had told her she didn't hate her. Addison had thought she wouldn't remember all of this. Well, at first she didn't. But then, bribes of conversation started to resurface and Meredith finally came to remember this moment they shared. Addison didn't hate her, she hadn't be lying, that was purely sincere: Addison didn't hate her. And Meredith couldn't have hated her either, how could have she?
It was well-known and it was true. They didn't need words to hurt each other. Addison herself was very well aware of that. And maybe it was the reason why she wasn't listening to Miranda anymore. " Addie! You're back! " Said Callie as she saw her good friend. And Addie nodded mentally wondering why on earth she accepted to come back. Derek was staring at her. And Meredith was staring at her. And literally everyone was staring at her. And she knew she wasn't feeling quite well at the moment. Addison turned pale and people noticed. She was lost. Derek was staring, wondering why she was there. And Meredith was staring and that was very disturbing, it was all Addison could think. Meredith's eyes were stuck on her and she didn't know why. Derek was staring at her and then stared at Meredith. God… they really didn't need words to hurt each other.
Later in the day, the three of them were reunited in the same room, silently looking at their patient's scan. The door was closed, no one was staring anymore. They didn't need words to hurt each other. Addison was standing between Meredith and Derek. She was standing in the way of their full happiness. Derek could feel his burning desire for Addison. But Addison's desire for her ex-husband was off. And Meredith was confused. Cristina entered the room. No one said a word. No greeting, no look. She stood by her best friend who kept staring at the scans. " You, people, are so weird. " But they didn't mind and she had no answer. So she looked at the scans feeling this odd tension in the room. And she realised. A flash of understanding lightened her usually emotionless face: the atmosphere was weird because something was happening. Derek was consumed by desire for a woman who didn't see him anymore. And this woman was confusing her best friend. " Holly crap, Mer… that is new! " And she left the room thinking that it was so true, Addison Montgomery and Derek Shepherd really didn't need words to hurt each other. They just needed a Meredith Grey.
***
On risque pas de tenir longtemps
Tu m'as même comparé à Lucifer
Maintenant tu bois et tu veux bien de moi
Nan mais j'hallucine hein /
There's no way we could last long.
You even compared me to Satan
and now that you're drinking you finally want me.
You must be kidding, right?
The first time it happened they both blamed alcohol. The second time, they just kept accusing alcohol. Even on their third time, it was a very convenient excuse. And this excuse kept working for many other times they shared together. But Addison finally realised it wasn't all alcohol. Her burning desire for his ex-husband's new girlfriend wasn't due to alcohol. And that it wasn't fair. They couldn't keep kissing after three drinks. They couldn't keep making love after two more drinks. They could, but it was bad. Addison felt guilty and she didn't like the feeling. Sitting in the attendings room she remembered the first time it happened. She had just came back to Seattle for a quick consult. The day had been weird, working with her ex-husband and her ex-husband's new girlfriend had been quite awkward. Mostly because something was happening with Meredith Grey and there was nothing she could do to prevent it from happening because she wanted it to happen. And it happened. She had been sitting at the bar when Meredith came to join her. The first drink of many had lead to hands on thigh, hands touching soft skin, shy lips brushing, hungry tongs fighting and naked bodies having rough sex.
One time, then another and it kept happening this way. And both of them kept blaming alcohol. But Addison couldn't take it anymore. She drank straight her cup of coffee and threw it into the sink: she was going to clean up this big mess. " Meredith? She asked as she saw her on a gurney talking to Cristina and Alex. A word? " And Grey stood up to follow her, she looked uncomfortable. Protected by the tiny intimacy of the on-call room, Addison fall on the closest bed. " Don't you dare acting like you were uncomfortable being around me. " Her voice broke. She didn't really know what was happening to her but that hurt. Very much. Meredith's back was lying against the door at a very decent distance from Addison. " Why do you only want me when you're drunk? " And Meredith remained silent. And a tear started to roll down the ob-gyn's cheek. Why did this woman needed alcohol to desire her? " Am I not desirable enough? " Was the last sentence she managed to say without losing all control over her now shaking body. Meredith didn't say a word but she couldn't bare the vision of this woman crying because of her. So she left. Because Meredith Grey was good at running away.
" How were things with Satan? " Asked Alex while they were all sitting at the bar. His tone may have been joking but it was a real question. Meredith had joined them after her talk with Montgomery and had remained silent all day long. " You shouldn't keep calling her Satan. I mean… we shouldn't call her Satan anymore. I don't call her Satan anymore. " And later in the night she just came knocking at Addison's hotel room door. She was sober. " You are so more than just desirable, Addison. I don't need alcohol to want you. I need alcohol because I'm scared of what I feel for you." And Addison didn't need another word, her lips were crashing on the blond's ones. They really couldn't last long without kissing each other.
***
Je sais déjà ce que la distance entraîne
Soit c'est la guerre pendant 10 ans sans trêve
Soit je la quitte en lui disant
Garde le sourire plus rien est grave
Tant qu'il nous reste une seconde de souvenir dans le crâne.
Nos deux corps pourraient mourir j'ai déjà fait le deuil
Maintenant pars loin de moi une larme cachée dans l'œil. /
I already know what distance leads to.
Either it's constantly war for 10 years,
either I leave her and tell her:
keep smiling, nothing's important anymore.
Both our bodies could die my grief is over.
So now, go away from me, a tear hiding in your eye.
" You can't leave. She obtained no answer. You can't leave me behind. Still nothing. You left me in the past and then you came back. You turned my all world into a big mess, you made me fall in love with you and now you think you're free to leave again. You just can't leave Addison. This is non-sens. " Meredith was sitting on the hotel bed where they were used to meet. Addison had to go back to LA and this time she wasn't able to tell Meredith when she would come back to her. The blond started to cry. She had told Addison she loved her. And they had kept secret their share love. And Derek was sad. Addison had left for Los Angeles after she signed the divorce papers because he wanted to pick Meredith but wasn't brave enough to make it clear. And after she left, he tried to make things working with Meredith, he didn't want another failure. But then it just happened anyway. Addison was back for a quick consult and things changed. Meredith became distant. And Derek kept thinking it was just a coincidence because coincidences happened, right? But everytime Addison would be back in Seattle, Meredith would push him farther. And it didn't work. He told her she wasn't ready to give him what he wanted. And in this hotel room, Meredith though Addison Montgomery wasn't ready to give her what she wanted. But then, she realised the redhead was crying, her hands shaking. " I don't want to leave you. " But it happened, anyway.
Meredith drove her to the airport. She stayed with her until Addison really had to go. They were sitting in the only calm corner of the airport they had been able to find, sharing their last embrace. Addison could hear her lover's sobbings. There was nothing she could tell her that would make her feel better, she was too well aware of that. Because she just felt as broken as the woman she was in love with. She tried anyway. "It doesn't matter we don't know when we’ll see each other again. Because every moment I'll spend without you will be filled by memories of you." And Meredith smiled a little. Of course, it was a sad one, and those tears in her eyes weren't helping to lighten up her face. But still, it was a smile, because Addison knew her so well, she knew what to tell her and her words went straight to her aching heart.
But the saddest part happened later, when the speaker taught them Addison needed to go. They were holding hands, as if they did that until the very last moment they could have, nothing would ever tore them apart. Meredith didn't think it was strange, this deep kiss Addison gave her. It wasn't unexpected, that she kissed her with so much passion and love. They were about to be apart and they had no idea how long it would last. So it wasn't weird that Addison kept telling her how much she was in love with her. Meredith finally realised something was wrong. Addison wasn't frankly crying as it had been before. She was fighting not to cry and that was strange. Meredith could see there were tears hiding behind the glasses. " Don't wait for me. I mean it, Meredith. Get over me. I won't make you happy. Don't forget me. Just forget we love each other. " While she was talking she had let go Meredith's hand. Tears were no longer hidden and pure pain was visible on her face. And Addison left her, making her promise she would keep smiling no matter what.
***
Bébé serre moi fort que j'oublie que c'est le chaos
Autour c'est le chaos
Regarde-nous le destin n'a pas honte
Les dieux n'ont pas honte /
Hold me tight babe, so I forget this is chaotic,
around us it's chaotic.
Look at us, fate has no shame, gods have no shame.
Marc Sloan died. Addison's best friend died. Addison's ex lover died. Lexie died. Meredith's sister died. Both of them were broken. Everything around them was broken. And they couldn't find any comfort while they were apart. They didn't know it but both of them were tossing and turning in their respective bed, in two different states. And one morning Addison jumped into a plane without thinking it twice. It was Marc's funeral after all. She had to be there.
As she entered the living room she saw Meredith silently sitting on the sofa. Everyone was talking around her and she seemed to be miles away from them. It hurt Addison even more to see the woman her heart was still beating for in such a pain. Derek was the first to come to her:
" I didn't see you at the funeral. It wasn't a reproach. At least the reproach wasn't addressed to her. No, Derek was reproaching himself he hadn't seen his ex-wife even though it had been obvious she would be there. How are you doing?
- I could ask you the same.
-I still don't realise he's gone. And that Lexie's gone. This is a lot to process. For everyone. Addison saw his eyes looking for Meredith. I have no idea how to help her. "
Their talk was interrupted by Owen who needed to say something to Derek. He apologized to her and left her alone. He may have no idea how to help her. But she did. And she made her way right to Meredith. They didn't share a word, they just hugged each other. They held onto each other because they knew without a word. Addison moved closer to the woman she hadn't seen for too long, the woman she had dreamt of every single night. She didn't say a word when she laid her cheek on her shoulder but Addison knew Meredith was glad she came to her. So she kept her close, a strong grip around her shaking body because all around them was chaotic. Derek came back to see his ex-wife hugging his girlfriend. He wasn't as surprised as everyone thought… even if he tried not to think about it, he knew there was something going on. He knew there were some secrets he didn't know about. And Derek was a good man, so he didn't care if only Addison could make Meredith felt better. It was just a little bit weird when he thought about it. That was the reason why he hadn't been surprised when Meredith didn't join him in their shared bed. But his kindness wasn't limitless and he just thought the two women he had loved and currently loved had spend the night talking about their loss. It couldn't be something more than a weird close friendship, right?
" Look at us… " whispered Meredith as she was cuddling against her lover's naked body. " This is very ironic that we could be happy to be together again just when my sister and your best friend died. Fate sucks. " Addison softly giggled: what could she say? The younger woman was right. There was no other explanation possible to their love story than a very naughty god enjoying itself torturing them. But they didn't care, all that mattered at the present moment was that they were there for each other. And they tightened their embrace because their love was the only thing they could hold on to.
NA: This is the end of the first chapter, next one's coming soon (I just have to write two parts and then it's done). I really hope you enjoyed reading this one!