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He had chosen God. He loved me but he chose God. It’ll pass. That’s what he said. I knew in that look he gave me during his homily at the wedding that he hadn’t chosen me. I should’ve known that it wouldn’t work out. When had anything, ever? Mum died then what happened with Boo. When had I ever done anything to deserve something like love? I wish that I could hate him for making me believe that I deserved a happy ending with him but that was all bullshit and I love him. I fucking love him. I’ve tried to stop over the last year but it hasn’t worked. I hadn’t gone near the church since or anywhere that reminded me of him. I put all of my focus into the café. I tried to fuck him out of my system but it just made me miss him so much more. I pretended like it was all fine but then I would cry after they left because as much as I tried to pretend they were him, they never would be. He was gone and I was going to respect that he was gone because I loved him enough to give him some sense of peace. I stopped thinking about him as much as time went on. Claire and Klare were doing great in Finland, she came back less and less as most of her work kept her in Finland. Dad and stepmother didn’t call me round much without Claire around. I don’t hate to say it because it was lovely not having to deal with her. I started to make more friends and really start to move on with my life. Just me, Hilary, Stephanie, and the cafe. It was an alright existence, I still loved him but I was content being alone for the first time in my life. Then one Tuesday at a quarter to 4, he walked into the cafe. It was close to closing so no one was there. At the bell sound, I turned ‘round to welcome them in and I genuinely thought I was on drugs again. He stood there with his stupid shy smile and a wave.
“Hello.” My heart began to pound in my chest, whether it was anxiety or frustration, I genuinely don’t know.
“Hello. What can I get you?” I moved to behind the counter and forced myself to act as normally as possible.
“Fuck you for acting like you didn’t miss me as much as I missed you.” Christ I missed that voice.
“Well, fuck you for choosing God and showing up a year later.” I’m not smiling like he is. I want to hit him and kiss him. He takes a few steps towards me and I know how fucked I am right now.
“I left the cloth. It took me a bit but I did. It’s official this past Thursday.” I want to cry because that’s the best thing I could ever hear but I don’t know if it’s me that made that happen. As usual he knows exactly what I’m thinking. “For you because I fucking love you. I always have and always will, I get that for you, it’s probably past but I’m here because love is hope and I’m hoping you still love me too.” Yeah, I’m crying but I’m trying to keep it together. The tears are coming any way and I nod because whether or not this is real and I really want this to be real.
“I really fucking love you too.” We meet in the middle of the cafe. I’m shaking, I know pathetic, and I don’t know if I should just kiss the ever loving shit out of him or let him make that choice. He takes my face in his hands and it feels like that night in the confessional. He’s wiping my tears away.
“I’m sorry it took me so long. I’m a bit of a knob, huh?” I laugh and nod.
“Yes you are. Fuck, I missed you.” And he kisses me, it’s soft and there’s a plea behind it. Love me, forgive me. I lean into the kiss as his fingers tighten in my hair and the moan that escapes from his throat makes me instantly wet but I’m not who I once was so I pull away. “How do I know you won’t leave me again? You chose God before, what’s stopping you from choosing Him again?” His soft, love filled smile makes the knots in my stomach loosen.
“A year ago you wouldn’t have asked that, you would’ve just dove right in.” I start to pull away but he takes my hands in his. “You are it for me, this past year I have done nothing but think about you; and not just the sex. I missed being around you, how you make me laugh, and that weird thing you do when you just zone for a moment. I just missed you because I didn’t fall in love with you that night we had sex. I fell in love with you over time. I pushed it down but I kept spending time with you because I already loved you, I just didn’t admit it to myself. Please. I know I’ve done nothing to deserve another chance but I want to spend the rest of my life with you. My life wasn’t fucked because I fell in love with you, you made my life make sense: you gave me hope.” I lean in and kiss him once.
“Okay.” He presses our foreheads together and sighs out the breath he’d been holding.
“Okay. Do you want to…” I laugh and nod.
“But, fuck you for assuming.” He laughs now too and then helps me tidy up the cafe and close. “Where to?” He does that stupid head tilt thing he does when he has an idea.
“Let’s go to dinner, have a little date.” I smile as he links his fingers with mine and he leads me to a pub down the street. It’s the perfect level of casual for us. We find a booth towards the back and order, the whole time we’re just simply catching up and holding hands across the table. This is all that I wanted. I thought it was just going to be one fuck and I’d be out but he changed me. He made me want to try to figure out what the hell was going on with myself and I wanted to be better. We go through the catch up and then I get the feeling like I need to ask him some real things.
“When did you decide that you wanted to leave the church? You said it took you awhile but when?” He scratches the back of his neck.
“About twenty minutes after I walked away from the bus station.” I reach across the table and slap his arm which makes us both chuckle. “I knew I had made a mistake by leaving you but I fought it for months. That night I just walked around for hours and when I finally climbed into bed, I just cried myself to sleep because I’d broken not only my own heart but yours too and that almost killed me. I was really depressed for a bit and then, uh, Pam actually sat me down.” I know the shock on my face makes me look absolutely ridiculous. But, Pam?
“Pam? Weird, annoying, lives with you Pam?” He laughs.
“One in the very same. She sat me down about three months ago and made me talk about you. She said she didn’t like seeing me the way that I was now, that it wasn’t good for me. God, I will never forget what she said to me.”
“Father, do you love her? Like really love her? Because if you do, then you need to do what’s best for you. God doesn’t put people in our lives for no reason, especially people that we love. You were so happy when you were spending time together, I notice everything. You can stay here and be miserable or you can do what you need to. Go to her because I know she loved you too.”
“Pam said that?” He nods and smiles.
“Knocked me on my arse too. I thought about it for about a week then I sat down and realized that I was never going to be happy in the life I was leading because even if you didn’t love me anymore, I shouldn’t have gone back.” Our food comes and we eat in comfortable silence. I had forgotten how nice it was just being with him. Once we finish, we pay and start to head to my place. Once we’re inside I turn to offer him a drink but he just shakes his head then takes my hand and leads me to the bedroom. There’s no talking, nothing needs to be said right now. We undress ourselves barely breaking eye contact and once we’re fully nude, he steps forward and strokes my cheek. “I love you, Alex.”
“I love you too, Father.” We both laugh.
“Michael, just Michael now.” And he dives in for a real kiss. It’s the open mouthed kisses I’d thought about while touching myself so many times. We make it to the bed and his body just molds to mine. The sex is better than I remember. I cum so hard I see spots for a moment. He follows shortly behind and we end up cuddled together under the duvet. I wake up to him spooning behind me, I always want to wake up like this. He’s kissing my neck and roll over to face him. “I don’t ever want to wake up without you again…” It’s barely a whisper, like he’s frightened I’ll kick him out for it.
“You don’t have to. I imagine you need to find somewhere to live anyway.” His brows shoot up his forehead.
“Seriously? You want me to move in?” My face hurts from smiling so much yesterday but I smile again anyway.
“I never want to wake up without you again either. I just want you here, always. We’ll figure out the rest later.” He kisses me with a sigh and it feels like a promise. “Besides, imagine what my stepmother will do when I invite them ‘round for dinner and they see that you’re living here!”