Chapter Text
In the beginning, everyone expects a happy life. For me, there never was a happy life. For me, I wasn't raised with everything I wanted. I wasn't given toys or little books or attention. I was left to fend for myself at such a young age. But... It never bothered me. I found ways to live. I found ways to deal with what I was going through.
But I never got over seeing my parents playing with the little boy in the yard, laughing along with him or rushing to him if he even started to become sad. They would whisk him away to happy land while I watched from the roof, letting sadness wash over me.
I would, then, stare up at the cloudy sky and smile. Soon it would rain and I would be able to release my pain as the water ran down my face, soaking my skin. I laid down on my back, the rough shingles rubbing on my leather jacket, and sigh to myself. I would eventually come down and find something to eat. I would grab a warm blanket and go back on the roof to sleep.
The funny thing is that it seemed like no one noticed me. Like they didn't know I even existed. At first, it hurt. A lot. I remember waking up one morning and coming into the kitchen. I remember saying "Hi, Mommy. Hi, Daddy." And I remember that they never turned around to say their usual "Morning Honey. How'd you sleep?" as they place a plate of pancakes in front of me.
And it never happened. It was as if I never existed. They made their breakfast and walked right past me, to the living room. I stood there, silently begging for my mom or dad to come back in and see me. And they never did. I felt hot tears fall down my face and I quickly wiped them away. I ran into my bedroom and wrapped myself in my blanket, decided to cry into it. I remember groping for my elephant, finding it, and hugging it tightly to my chest.
I remember, as a little girl of 6, packing up my things in my small little suitcase and going outside, banging the door hoping my parents would notice. They never did.
I remember waking up one morning and my family wasn't home. I remember, hours later, their car coming into the driveway and Mom walking out holding a blue wrapped bundle, staring at it lovingly. I was confused and then there was a little cry. I instantly knew that the bundle was my replacement. A baby that was taking my place.
I remember crying so many nights, not being able to sleep cause 6-year-old me felt so alone and unloved. I remember cuddling with my elephant and fuzzy blanket at night, trying to stay warm. Ever since the baby was born, my old room was his. Since I guess I never existed.
I remember the nights I would sneak in through the window that never shut, into the house and into the kitchen. I remember trying to find something to eat the next morning. I remember my old mom coming into the kitchen and grabbing a glass of water. I remember me trying to desperately get her attention. But it was in vain.
She never noticed me. She just filled her glassed and left. Left me behind.
And the realization that my own parents forgot me, hit me hard. It knocked the breath out of me, making me fall to my knees. I remember crying on the kitchen floor. I remember getting up and grabbing a knife. I remember have of my brain telling me to stop, but I couldn't. It was too late.
I remember running out of the house and walking in the rain. I remember climbing up a tree and holding my arm out. I was 9. The little boy in my room was 2. I remember bringing the blade down, slicing open my own skin before I could stop myself. I remember the rainwater falling down on the cut, washing the blood away. I remember making 3 more cuts, 2 on each arm.
I remember. I remember. I remember.
I remember how the rain comforted me. How the rain washed the blood away and kissed my wounds. I remember how the rain sang me to sleep. How the rain cradled me when I broke. I remember rain.
I opened my eyes and looked down from the roof. I was 13 now, cuts covered my arms. I watched the 6-year-old boy run out of the house, laughing, with his parents running behind. I watched as the dad scooped up his boy and kissed his forehead, tickling the boys' sides. I felt my heart break for the millionth time at the sight.
I've watched the family grow up, always in the shadows. I watched the family that should have remembered me and never did. I watched with an aching heart as my own parents forgot about me ever existing and focus on the little boy.
I pulled up my blanket and held onto my elephant and I saw the boy look up with a confused look on his face. He looked at me. He watched me. He... Smiled at me. The little boy waved at me to come down and play with him. His parents looked over at the roof, smiles quizzical, seeing nothing.
I could hear them telling the boy that no one was there. No one. The really couldn't see me. They really forgot about me. I felt another knife stab my chest and I held back tears.
The boys' parents smiled at him when he tried to tell them there was somebody up there. They took his hand and brought him back into the house, saying it was time for lunch. They smiled at each other as the boy nodded his head and skipped back into the house.
I thought maybe my old mom or dad would look back up in confusion and shake their head, mumbling to themselves that I wasn't there. But they didn't. They went back into the house. And somehow, that action alone dug the knife deeper in my chest than anything else.
I guess some part of me still hoped the would remember me. That maybe, oh god maybe, they remembered me. But they don't. They really don't. My own parents forgot me.
I felt tears fall down my face. I looked up at the sky and felt the first drop of cold rain fall on my cheek and slowly make its' way down. I laid back, again, and let the rain fall, let it soak my hair, my skin, my clothes. I felt my own tears mix with the rain, hot mixed with cold.
I heard the soft whispers of the wind. I felt the rain almost gently caress my face. I felt my body, suddenly warm in the cold, curl up and begin to feel tired. I felt my blanket being pulled over my with help of the wind. I felt the wind move my elephant closer to me and I snuggled against it. I felt the cold water turn warm, keeping me comfortable. I heard soft lullabies being sung to me as I fall to sleep. I felt a cold hand brush across my cheek, mumbling softly to me.
"It'll be alright, Love. Soon, the ones with power will come and rescue you. You will be loved again. You will be remembered, Mio Angelo. You will be found, Regina Degli Angeli. You will be loved."
I felt my consciousness fade away as I was lulled to sleep. I felt reassured that someone would love me.
Part of my brain said that someone loving me was impossible. It told me that no one would love a person like me. A person that has no family. I felt on the brink of tears again.
"Shh... Mio Angelo... Va tutto bene, amore mio. Ti amo mio caro. I'll always be with you, whenever it rains, I will be with you..." The voice was soothing, speaking in Italian that, surprisingly, I understood.
"Ti amo anch'io," I said to the voice, sleepily.
"Shh..."
I felt my body drift to sleep. I felt myself fall into the clutches of sleep. Felt myself drop into dreamland.
I wasn't sure why the rain, the wind, was talking to me. I wasn't sure it was even true. I felt safe, though. I felt warm and cozy.
I smiled to myself and snuggled my elephant closer to my chest.
"Fa la ninna, fa la nanna Nella braccia della mamma
Fa la ninna bel bambin,
Fa la nanna bambin bel,
Fa la ninna, fa la nanna
Nella braccia della mamma."
I smiled at the soft singing, falling fully asleep as the last note was hanging in the air.