Work Text:
It was when Lonato died that Ashe felt truly alone. His brother and sister far gone from him. He stared up up the goddess statue in the cathedral for hours. His eyes blinked away stray tears that were too stubborn to fall in his room. All he could do was press his hands together, hoping for an entity to come over to him and make the dullness in his heart dissipate. He wanted anything, a touch, a word, a smile to reassure him that he wasn't alone. That the person whom he looked up to...handed died by his own hands.
Each night he sat in his bed, stared at his hands as visions of his father flashed before his eyes. The light leaving his eyes in front of his own son. What would he siblings tell him? Are they safe now that they're alone. Worry and guilt began to eat open inside of him. He felt sick, he felt weak, he felt wrong.
He went to class everyday, his studious nature waning. Lectures that had been invigorating now turned to nonsensical blather. The professor taught everyone, keeping an eye out to Ashe who took notes that were more scribbles than actual words. During lessons, Ashe could barely manage Ds, nearly failing most subjects. When asked if he needed help with studying, Ashe plastered on a smile and told his professor that everything was fine. He just needed more rest.
And that's what he decided to do. After classes and a meal, he would return to his dorm rather than the library or training grounds and especially the church; he would lay down in his bed and sleep away his worries. He felt at ease...his conscious at rest not having to deal with the feelings he felt in the real world. Dark circles appeared under his eyes, his classmates kept about their lives though. Training, cooking, planting, leaving him alone to mourn for someone they didn't care about.
"Why…" he moaned softly to himself as he sulked his way over to the dorms. He was prepared to sleep the rest of the evening, thoughts of skipping evening meal again forming in his mind.
A hand reached out, pulling him by the hood he wore. Ashe was shaken in surprise as he was yanked back from his door. Looking up, it was known other than Felix. The swordsman looked away from Ashe, not letting go of his hood. "You look terrible, come with me." Felix commanded, letting go of the hood.
Ashe had no reason to turn Felix down. He couldn't come up with an excuse even if he wanted to- he had no way and Felix knew that. So he followed behind the other silently, wondering where they were going. When he saw Felix heading toward the tall doors of the training grounds, he sighed with relief. Of course he would take him here.
Once inside, Felix went over to the warm up area, strapping on his sparring equipment. He glanced at Ashe, glaring a little and motioning for him to do the same. Ashe scrambled over to the bench, clasping on leather while Felix watched. The training grounds were empty for once, Ashe didn't realize how late it must've been. It was close to the final bell to be rung. "Is it really okay for us...to be here?" Ashe asked quietly, fingers gripping onto the wooden sword in his hands.
"It doesn't matter how late the day is, there isn't a time limit on training. Especially if we're studying to be in the military and help our houses and country." Felix stood up, sauntering over to the open ground. He took a stance, knees bending as his feet sifted into the dirt. "Come at me, I'll go easy on you." He tilted his head, navy hair falling over his eye.
Ashe gulped and followed suit, resuming the stance. Swords were never his strong suit, he preferred attacking from a distance- Ashe's lips quivered as he saw it. In front of him wasn't Felix- but Lonato- helpless to his ranged attacks. Felix's calculated eyes watched Ashe's grip change. The whitened knuckles went forward, taking a switch at his blade.
Fekix stepped to the side, dodging easily. Ashe came at him again, gritting out a noise through his teeth as he missed- each swing getting further and further from the target. Felix's bored eyes pained him, he didn't care. Nobody cared did they? They all wanted him to suffer in silence. Ashe could only fall to the ground, knees scraping into the dirt as he threw his sword to the ground.
"Just as I thought, pathetic." Felix circled around him, "What happened to your passion? What happened to that boy who desperately wanted to be a knight that he would stay up for hours immersed in strategies and a stupid heroic book?"
"I-I" he was stopped when Felix kneeled down in front of him, pressing his blade against Ashe's lips.
"People die. People die and you don't have control over it."
"Why are you telling me this?!" Anger seeped into his wavering voice as green eyes finally met his unloving gaze. "You think I don't know that people die?! Of course I know! Why did you bring me here? To pity me? To belittle me? To laugh at me for acting on my emotions rather than a stupid blade?! I'm only human, Felix! I'm only...human…and what pains me most is that...my friends have done nothing to comfort me all this time."
"...we just don't know how to approach you. We've all lost someone here Ashe." Felix sat down beside him, staring ahead in the distant armory. "I was alone when Glenn died… my own man didn't even care that he died. He was proud of him for how he died. Dimitri his parents, Ingrid her fiance, Annette her father, Mercedes her parents, Sylvain his brother, Dedue his whole fucking culture and family."
Ashe felt selfish as he looked down. His mind was so clouded with thoughts of Lonato that he had forgotten that everyone here had hardships. They all had someone they lost due to circumstances, some worse than others. While killing his own father made him want to throw up, he shouldn't forget about his friends as well.
"Byleth told us to give you some space...but as time went on, you became so distant. You weren't yourself and I hated it. You used to talk to me about knighhood and stupid tales of chivalery. But now all you do is sleep, your no better than that napping black eagle. We're all worried about you."
His shoulders shook, hands reaching over to cover his own head. Droplets of water fell down, soaking the earth just a bit as he sobbed into himself. He curled into a ball with each staggering breath. "I-I've been so alone Felix-...I..I thought- thought that nobody cared. I prayed everyday for a change, for time to go back, I can't act like everyone is fine!" He cried, "Each day, I craved someone to be by my side, to help me- but no one came…."
"I'm here right now." Felix said, settling a hand on his back. "...I'm… I'm sorry no one came sooner. Mercedes or Annette would've been much better at this than me."
The touch on his back made him cry harder as he felt warm in this cold space. "D-Don't say that- just having you listen to me is enough right now, Felix…"
"Okay good. Well, I brought you to spar because I hoped you would take your anger out on me. But I didn't think you would fall so easily, you need to take care of yourself more Ashe. You're getting skinnier, paler, you look like you're dying. I'm not about to let another person die on my watch who doesn't deserve it." He patted his head and stood up slowly. Felix extended his hands down, letting Ashe gently take them and rubbing circles into them. Ashe sniffled, button nose red and angry.
"You're not alone anymore Ashe. You have us to help you. Let us help you, you just need to ask."
"Felix...I can't believe you're the one comforting me." He smiled a little, the smile melting Felix's layer. His eyes softened as he patted his head again.
"Don't let it go to your head, you're someone I don't hate." He said.
"I don't hate you too, Felix."
Felix felt himself get embarrassed, but he pushed it down as he guided Ashe out of the area. He listened to the boy talk about Lonato, learning more about the father that had saved him and his siblings. Somewhere, he wondered why the noble would rebel in the first place, but that was for another time. He kept his hold on the hands as they walked around the monastery.
"You know Felix...you're the last person I'd expect to come to me." They had sat down by the fishing pond dock. They both looked out at the pond, the fish swimming slowly around. Felix rolled his eyes and leaned back, rest his head on his hands as he laid down.
"I would've been nagged if I hadn't" it was mostly by himself, he didn't want to admit it but he cared for Ashe. No matter how many times he tried to talk him down, he found a way to turn his words against him in a positive way. It took guts and skill to be able to do that. It didn't hurt that he liked his cooking as well.
"Ah, that makes sense I suppose. Still...do you think...we can do this again tomorrow?"
"I've had too many emotional talks for the next two months."
"Not that part, just...do you want to hang out just for old times sake?" Ashe knew it was time to let go of Lonato. He had a place here, fighting for everyone like Felix had told him once. He was going to be a knight that people would look up to in their times in need. Felix was exactly that, he looked up to him a lot, "you really are the knight in that tale.." he whispered but either Felix wasn't listening or didnt care.
"...we can hang out after another session, we need to get you back into health." He said, nudging Ashe's leg.
"Right I will…" his eyebrows drew close as he glanced at Felix. "I must've worried so many people with the state I was in. I truly am sorry-"
"None of that. If anything we should be apologizing for leaving you out so long. For now, let's just try to forget about it- we still have a future together even if it's just for a few months before we leave back to the Kingdom." Felix scolded him.
Ashe bit his lip and laid down beside Felix. The other looked so calm, his intimidating demeanor was gone. "....Felix, when we go back to the Kingdom...do you think I'll become a knight?" He asked.
Felix knew the other was vulnerable right now. Although his tears were gone, he knew the other was still suffering in silence again. Doubts must've plagued his mind. He hated it, he hated how one event could cause joy itself to turn somber. "Study harder, train more. You're nimble and quick, a house would definitely want to pick you up in the future. If…" he wet his lip in thought, "House Fraldarius would love you to serve them in the future."
"Wait, you mean it?" Felix glanced at him, those pale cheeks were rosy. His smile was back, a twinkle showing in his green eyes. "You want me as a knight in your guard?"
"Of course, I didn't stutter on my word. As future Duke, I appoint you first in command when the time comes." His lips stretched into a smile as he saw relief and happiness radiate from Ashe.
"I won't let you down! I'll protect your territory and most of all I'll protect you-"
Felix knew it was just normal to protect his superior, but for some reason hearing it from Ashe, he could feel the tips of his ears burn. He nodded a little, "I know." He said before finally sitting up again. "We should head back to our dorms, wouldn't want the professor to get on our backs for staying outside and not resting."
Ashe sat up the next moment with a sigh. He wiped at his tear stained cheeks and jolted when he felt a hand on his back. It tubbed a little bit before retracting then they Felix stood up. He took a moment to gaze at Ashe, "Don't be late tomorrow morning." and with that, Felix left off on his own.
Ashe stood up and looked up to the heavens, putting his hands together with a smile he closed his eyes. "Thank you…" he whispered to himself before going back to his dorm. For the first time that night, he would sleep in ease and free of blood. He was looking forward to the future and his future with Felix Hugo Fraldarius.