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i.
It’s summer. The first day of summer break, to be exact, and TJ and Cyrus are swimming in TJ’s backyard. Well, TJ is swimming. Cyrus didn’t feel like getting his hair wet, so he’s lying on the edge of the pool, eyes closed and basking in the sun. TJ can already see the beginning of a sunburn start to bleed onto his cheeks.
“Did you put sunscreen on, Underdog?” He asks, shaking the water out of his hair.
“A little,” Cyrus responds. His voice is quiet and raspy.
“You’re gonna burn.”
Cyrus sighs. “I’d rather burn than move right now.”
“What if I splashed you?” TJ says.
Cyrus’ eyes snap open. He turns to glare at TJ.
“You wouldn’t.”
TJ smiles. “Wanna test that theory?”
Cyrus narrows his eyes. “Not particularly.”
TJ swims over to the edge of the pool to grab sunscreen and tosses it to Cyrus.
“Then put this on.” The sunscreen hits Cyrus in the stomach, and he groans. TJ laughs, because of course he does.
TJ, still set on swimming his heart out, ducks back underwater. Cyrus sits up and starts to slather sunscreen on the places he didn’t get earlier. TJ soon hops out of the water to sit next to him, and he throws an arm around the smaller boy’s shoulder with casualty.
“Did you get your face?” He asks, with a cheeky smile.
Cyrus rolls his eyes. “Who are you, my father?”
TJ laughs and shrugs his shoulders. Cyrus grabs the sunscreen again and starts to apply it to his cheeks, but TJ doesn’t remove his arm. Cyrus looks up at TJ and smiles.
TJ laughs. Cyrus’ face falls. “What?” He says.
“You didn’t rub it in all the way.”
“Oh, where?” Cyrus reaches a hand up to his cheek and starts to rub his face in the completely wrong spot. Without thinking about it, TJ brings his free hand up to the other boy’s cheek. He wipes away the small dab of sunscreen by his nose.
TJ only then notices how close their faces are, upon seeing a blush rise on Cyrus’ cheek. He doesn’t pull his hand away.
And just then, TJ is shaken. Because for a second, he gets an overwhelming urge to lean forward and press his lips to Cyrus’. He imagines what it would be like to leave small kisses on the faint burn on his cheeks. Or his eyelids when they’re closed. For just a moment, he gets distracted by the thought of dipping his head down and brushing his mouth against the soft skin, where Cyrus’ jaw meets his neck.
But the moment is as over as quickly as it came. TJ finally pulls his hand away, and jumps back into the pool without a word to Cyrus.
(Cyrus is as shaken as he is. Because, TJ didn’t know it, but Cyrus had those thoughts, too.)
ii.
TJ wouldn’t exactly call himself a morning person. He prefers to allow himself as many hours of sleep as possible, so waking up before the sun rises is not his favorite thing. Yet, if he happens to fall asleep early, or in this case, not at all, he quite appreciates watching the morning sun stream into his window.
Cyrus spent the night the evening before. They’re huddled up under TJ’s comforter, sides pressed up against each other but not quite cuddling. Cyrus himself fell asleep about 2 hours ago, and TJ, somehow not tired even at 4 in the morning, watched a movie. Dirty Dancing, if we’re getting specific.
Now, the sun is starting to rise, and, likely due to the loud credit music of the movie, Cyrus begins to stir.
TJ can’t help but feel his heart warmed at the sight.
“Sorry, did I wake you?” TJ asks, once the smaller boy’s eyes open.
He shakes his head. “No. How long was I asleep?”
TJ looks at the time on his phone. “Like, 2 hours.”
“Why the hell am I awake?” Cyrus mumbles, almost inaudibly. TJ just laughs, and slumps back down so he’s lying next to the other boy. Cyrus’ eyes close again, and the morning sunlight is hitting his face in the most perfect way.
TJ’s heart constricts a little bit, and he tries his best to ignore the feeling. He just looks so pretty. His skin looks so soft, and TJ wants to lift his hand up and touch it. But he doesn’t. Because that would be weird, right? So, instead, he looks back at his phone and keeps scrolling through Instagram. And he tries to stop thinking about the boy next to him.
A few minutes later, Cyrus sits back up.
“I can’t fall back asleep. Do you wanna watch a movie?” Cyrus asks. TJ agrees, and asks what Cyrus would like to watch.
“Mm, something romantic,” he says in response. His voice is so quiet and hoarse, it sounds like he’s still dreaming. TJ rolls his eyes, but smiles. After scrolling through Netflix for a few minutes, he decides on To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before.
Cyrus curls up so he’s still laying down, but facing the TV. This leaves his head almost resting on TJ’s leg, and he looks up a moment after adjusting.
“Sorry, am I in your space?” He asks.
TJ scoffs. “Nah, you can use me as a pillow if you need to.” Cyrus smiles and puts his head back down.
He’s not sure if the same thing happens to Cyrus, but TJ dozes in and out of sleep for pretty much the entire movie. When he finally comes to, and doesn’t fall back asleep, he looks down and can’t help from carding his fingers through the soft hair on Cyrus’ head. He doesn’t even know if Cyrus is awake. But, the boy doesn’t move or react at all. So he figures it’s alright.
Once his hand has stilled on his scalp, Cyrus turns around and rests his head on TJ’s leg again. His cheek becomes squished up by TJ’s lower thigh.
“I’m bored of this movie,” he says. TJ raises his hand to his chest in mock offense.
“This cinematic masterpiece? How very dare you!”
“Did you just say ‘how very dare you’?” Cyrus laughs.
“I said what I said,” TJ deadpans. “Okay, do you wanna go make pancakes?”
Cyrus sighs, deliberating. “Can we wait a little bit? I’m so comfy.”
“You’re the one who got bored of the movie!” TJ argues.
Cyrus’ voice goes quiet again. “I know, but I’m happy here.”
TJ smiles softly, nodding his head. And Cyrus just looks so soft and sleepy, and there it is again. That feeling. That thought of leaning down and pushing his lips against Cyrus’ soft, pink ones that he can’t escape. He has to fight the urge to physically shake his head in an attempt to get the thought out.
He settles for reaching his hand up and running his fingers through Cyrus’ hair again.
Cyrus, with his eyes closed, smiles.
iii.
He didn’t know Reed was gonna bring a gun. He never would have thought he’d do something so stupid, so reckless. But he should have. He should have known.
He shouldn’t have brought Cyrus. It’s just. He wanted his friends to like him. He wanted to be able to mesh his two worlds; his world of convenience, and his world of truth. He wanted to prove to himself that they were able to coexist, that he wasn’t living a double life. But, in reality, that’s exactly what he’s doing.
In one world, he’s TJ Kippen; captain of the basketball team. Smooth, popular, and scary (if he needs to be). In the other world, he is TJ. Boy who loves working with kids and blueberry muffins and is unexpectedly incapable of ignoring the warm feeling in his chest whenever he sees his best friend laugh.
It’s easy to think these things, but apologizing out loud has never been a strong suit of TJ’s.
These are the thoughts he mulls over as makes his way to the park. When he arrives, he’s shocked to see Cyrus actually on the swings. He’s been checking every day since it happened, to see if he could catch the boy alone. To apologize.
But he’d gotten so used to seeing him with Buffy and Andi (who were rightfully upset with him at the moment). Or a small child and their parents, or, possibly the most haunting of all, an empty swing.
Cyrus is actually here.
He feels his feet moving before he even makes the conscious decision to walk over there.
“Is that swing taken?” He asks. Cyrus looks over to him, and the look on his face makes TJ nauseous.
“How’d you know I’d be here?” Cyrus replies, with a furrowed brow.
TJ surprises himself by telling the truth.
“I’ve been stopping by,” he says. “Seeing if I could catch you without your bodyguards.” He can’t keep the scoff out of his voice, no matter how hard he tries.
Cyrus, looking away as if he’s checking for spectators, changes the subject. “I’m not supposed to hang out with you. I should go.”
TJ’s hand reaches out as he rolls his eyes. “No, stay. I’ll go. Can I at least say I’m sorry first?”
He refuses to let Cyrus walk away thinking he’d ever do anything to hurt him. The boy just shrugs.
“I didn’t know Reed was gonna bring a gun. I wouldn’t have gone, and I definitely wouldn’t have brought you.” As he feels Cyrus slip from his grasp, he lets the self-loathing he’s been wallowing in for days bleed into his words. “Now you hate me. Classic TJ! Anything good, I gotta ruin it.”
He’s walking away when he hears Cyrus’ voice call his name.
“You said you were gonna apologize,” he says.
“I just did.”
“Actually, you didn’t.”
“Yes, I did, I said I-”
Oh. Why did Cyrus always have to be so right?
With a shrug of his shoulders, TJ says “Well, sorry for not saying sorry.”
“So… you apologized for not apologizing, but you still haven’t apologized.” Cyrus says. And maybe it’s anger, because this is the best he can do. Or maybe it’s just too many emotions, because Cyrus is talking to him, even when he tries to turn away. But TJ can’t really stop his claws from coming out, just a little.
“You can be a little annoying, you know that?” He snaps, walking closer.
Cyrus stands up from the swing he was sitting on. “Well, you can be oblivious.”
“Well, you can be very judgy.”
“Well, you can be intimidating.” Ouch. That one stung.
“You know what else you are?” TJ bites.
“What?” Cyrus asks. His voice softened, almost like he was embracing for impact.
They’ve grown significantly closer as they argued, and TJ gulps. In his mind, he sees himself grab Cyrus’ jaw, and pull his face towards his own. He sees him leaning in, brushing their noses together and breathing in the shared air. He can feel himself press his lips to Cyrus’ firmly, almost harshly. He thinks about what it’d feel like to pull Cyrus’ bottom lip in between his teeth and let go to hear him gasp.
But he doesn’t do any of that.
“The only person I can talk to like this.”
And Cyrus smiles. And TJ, no matter how badly he wants to, doesn’t need to kiss him. Not like this.
iv.
There’s an 8th grade dance towards the end of the school year. TJ didn’t want to go, not at all. But Kira made it seem like he had to, so he did. Arguing with Kira was never really worth it, since she always got her way in the end no matter what.
So now TJ stands in front of a mirror, wearing a suit. Or, not a suit. But something of the sort. Black dress pants, a baby blue dress shirt, and a black vest. He doesn’t look horrible.
He probably wouldn’t have chosen baby blue if not for Kira’s insistence that they were matching when the day came.
His mom is absolutely gushing, talking about how handsome he looks and how Kira is such a lucky girl .
“Kira isn’t my girlfriend, though,” he says, as if he’d said it a million times before. (It felt like he had, to be honest.)
“I know, I know, I’m just saying…” his mom trailed off, and it took everything he had to not snap right there.
Just saying what, Mom? Just saying that a guy and a girl can't be friends without it being romantic because a guy has to like every girl he sees? Because a guy has to like girls , period? I don’t want Kira to be my girlfriend. So that’s why she isn’t.
But instead he just gives her a half smile and heads out the door.
He and Kira meet at the park. She’s there before him, wearing the perfect baby blue dress.
He smiles a little. “You look pretty,” he says. Because she does. Her hair is pulled back in some intricate way and she’s got a little bit of makeup on, making her cheeks flushed and her eyes brighter. She smiles back, and he starts to put the corsage on her wrist. And for just one moment, TJ thinks that maybe he could like a girl. Maybe he could be okay with going to dances with Kira. Maybe he’d be alright.
But they head in the direction of the school, and TJ still doesn’t hold her hand.
When they arrive at the dance, he is immediately dragged onto the dance floor with Kira’s argument being that she loves the song they’re playing. TJ obliges, mostly because he also loves the song. He wouldn’t admit it, but he’s genuinely having a lot of fun. Kira isn’t so bad when she’s not being mean.
But then, TJ thinks maybe someone who’s mean that often shouldn’t get a free pass because they aren’t bad all the time.
But still, they dance for a good 20 minutes before they’ve both gotten tired. Kira grabs TJ’s hand and pulls him to the outskirts of the room. They talk for a minute about nothing in particular, and he thinks she can tell he’s distracted.
Kira spots a group of her friends and goes to talk to them, but not before asking for TJ’s next dance.
He gives her a half smile. “I’ll save it for you.”
TJ pulls out his phone and scrolls for a while, and then Jonah Beck is in front of him, smiling.
“Hey man, what’s up, how are you?” He asks, pulling TJ in for a Bro Hug.
“I’m alright, you?”
“I’m okay. Have you seen Andi?”
“No, I haven’t, sorry.” TJ says.
“No problem. Cyrus is at the punch table, by the way.” Jonah says. He says it with some hint of a smile on his face, like he knows more than TJ. (One could say he does know more than TJ, however, the only “more” he knows is that Cyrus was looking for him. Which wouldn’t have surprised TJ even if he did know.)
TJ heads over to the punch table immediately. Cyrus spots him as he’s heading over, and gives him such a wide smile that TJ could cry.
“Teej! You look so sharp!” He says, almost laughing.
“Me?” TJ says. “Look at you!”
Cyrus waves his hand up and scoffs as if to say what? no, but he really does look great. Again, no suit, but Cyrus is wearing dress pants and a red and white button up shirt with some fancy pattern on it that TJ can’t discern. His hair is styled a little differently than how it normally is, almost like it was supposed to look effortless. And TJ supposes that it does. Look effortless.
The dim lights are making Cyrus’ skin look even more radiant than usual, and his eyes are piercing. His cheekbones look phenomenal, he can’t believe the boy wasn’t sculpted by the gods. Seriously, if TJ didn’t know any better he’d even say it looks like Cyrus was-
“Are you wearing makeup?” He asks, without realizing the thought was going to slip.
Cyrus, who had been mid-sip of punch, splutters on the drink. His entire face goes as abnormally red as his punch, and he won’t meet TJ’s eye.
“Um, a little?” He says. “Buffy and Andi were getting ready and asked if they could put some on me and I said yes and I was going to take it off but we had to leave and-“
“Cyrus!” TJ says, putting his hand on the boy’s arm. “Don’t worry about it. You look nice.”
He doesn’t know why he just said that. It was a dumb thing to say. And now his face is all red and they look like two awkward tomatoes trying to have a conversation.
“You. You like it?” Cyrus says, dumbfounded.
TJ shrugs. “I mean, yeah,” he says. He’s got a small, bashful smile on his face, and he can’t believe he’s having this conversation.
Cyrus looks down at the hand on his arm, and TJ knows he should pull it away. He really needs to pull it away. There’s a bunch of people around and he’s got his hand on the arm of a really cute boy who is wearing makeup and if Kira saw him he’d probably already be dead. But instead, he holds tighter.
“TJ?” Cyrus says, almost too quiet to hear over the roar of the music and chatter. TJ finally looks up to meet his eye again, and he’s basically stopped dead in his tracks. Because Cyrus’ eyes are always pretty, but it’s even worse when he’s got eye makeup on, defining his lashes and the color of his eyes in almost a painful way.
And he’s wearing lipstick. Some kind of shiny color that looks just like the natural color of Cyrus’ lips, but they look softer, and fuller, and TJ really wants to kiss them.
“I wanna kiss you,” he says. He doesn’t know if Cyrus heard him, because he furrows his brow a little bit, and says what? ever so quietly, and TJ has half a mind to repeat himself.
But instead, he moves just an inch closer. The tiniest bit, but enough so that Cyrus is sure he heard him correctly. He moves his head down, a minuscule change, but he’s getting closer. One step at a time.
He’s imagining what’s gonna happen when he makes it to Cyrus’ lips. Will Cyrus pull away? Will he just stand there, not responding at all? Will he kiss him back ?
But TJ doesn’t get to find out. Because suddenly, there’s a hand on his arm, yanking it away from Cyrus, and interlacing their fingers with his own. Kira.
He turns to her, and her face is somehow stoic while also being the angriest he’s ever seen it. Her jaw is set, and she’s gripping TJ’s hand unbelievably tight. She’s looking at Cyrus.
And Cyrus, god, he looks like a deer in the headlights if TJ has ever seen one. But he composes himself, and gives Kira a small smile.
“Kira,” he says.
“Cyrus,” she responds, pure venom dripping from that one word. “Nice highlight .”
And before Cyrus could say thank you, or smack her, or god forbid, look to TJ for help, Kira is dragging him away. Away from Cyrus. Closer to her.
When TJ looks back to see if Cyrus is okay, he isn’t there.
iv.
He never planned on telling anyone in the world what TJ stood for. Seriously, TJ was perfectly content with banishing the full name from his mind and living out his days as TJ Kippen, not T.J. Kippen, because the T and J don’t stand for anything. If he got married, the priest would refer to him as TJ and he’d say the words “I, TJ Kippen, take blah blah to be my blah blah” because not even his spouse needs to know his full name.
But then. Oh, then.
Then Cyrus asks him what it stands for. And he promises not to tell anyone or ever use it to refer to him by and he so clearly wants to know really, really bad. So, Thelonious Jagger, ever so putty in Cyrus’ hands, tells him his full name.
“ Thelonious Jagger? ” Cyrus says in disbelief. “Are you kidding?”
TJ knows it’s a ridiculous name, but the “are you kidding?” stings quite a bit.
But then Cyrus is smiling, and he says it’s a great name. He loves that name. And TJ’s heart is about to burst out of his chest.
“You do?” He asks.
And Cyrus says “yes” in a soft, smiley way and TJ thinks he would give this boy everything in the world if he could.
“My grandparents didn’t. They said ‘ that’s a ridiculous name, we’re calling him TJ! ’” He laughs. “So, I’ve been TJ since I was 3 days old.”
He looks over for just a second, and when he catches Cyrus’ eye, he melts. Because Cyrus looks so warm in the light of the fire and his hand is right there sitting on the bench and for the first time in his life TJ thinks this is an opening. This is a moment. One where you do the thing you’re supposed to do and you get what you want and you smile because you’re happy.
His heart is pounding out of his chest, but he does it anyway. He moves his hand forward just a little closer to Cyrus’, and he speaks up again.
“Is there… anything else you want to know?” He asks. The apprehension is most definitely plastered across his face, and he knows he doesn’t even need to say anything for Cyrus to understand what he’s trying to do. And he’s right.
Cyrus glances down at TJ’s wandering hand, and makes eye contact with him again. And he asks a question he already knows the answer to.
“Is there anything else you want to tell me?”
TJ is shaking, and seriously, his heart is beating so loudly he thinks the bench is vibrating. But he answers the question anyway, because he has finally learned that the only way you can get something is by asking for it.
“Yeah,” he breathes out. And the one word is like a giant weight that’s been lifted off of him. Like with that one word, he’s rid of all the rocks that have been residing in his lungs. And the look on Cyrus’ face gives him the courage to keep going.
“Is there anything you want to tell me ?”
The smile Cyrus gives him is answer enough, but TJ still really enjoys hearing “yes” come out of his mouth.
And finally, with bated breath and a shaky hand, TJ breaches the invisible wall between them so he can interlace their fingers.
Sitting there, staring so deep into Cyrus’ eyes, TJ gets the feeling again. The want, the urge, the wish to lean forward and connect their lips together. It is not an unfamiliar feeling by any means, in fact, it’s a feeling TJ has grown to live with over the past year or so. However, what is unfamiliar is that this time, he thinks he can genuinely act on it. There’s nothing keeping him from kissing Cyrus right now. No fear, no uncertainty, no Kira. Nothing.
And just as he decides that it will be right now, that here in this moment on this bench, TJ and Cyrus will share their first kiss, the back door swings open.
“Guys!” Jonah yells, startling the two enough for both of them to yank their hands apart. “Buffy and Marty got together!” He exclaims, too excited for his own good.
Cyrus smiles brightly at this news. “Aw, good for her!” He says.
TJ chuckles. “Good for him. ”
Cyrus laughs, and TJ’s heart stutters when he realizes that he’s the one who made him do that.
Jonah keeps talking. “Anyway, are you guys gonna come inside? They brought more cupcakes,” he wiggles his eyebrows.
Cyrus nods, and stand up. And for a second, TJ is disappointed that he wasn’t able to have his first kiss with Cyrus tonight, but then he realizes that it’s okay. Because he doesn’t need the kiss right now. There’s a promise of one in the future, and TJ thinks that’s more important than anything.
vi.
It’s been about a week since The Party, and TJ and Cyrus still haven’t really talked about it. Things have definitely changed between them, in a good way, but neither of them have gathered the courage to bring it up.
Cyrus is coming over tonight to sleep over at TJ’s house. Their first sleepover since The Party. So, that is a thing.
TJ is so much more nervous about tonight than he ever was about any of their sleepovers before. Before, they were just buds. Pals. Bros. Dudes Being Dudes That Aren’t Gay At All.
But now, they’re more like Dudes Being Dudes That Are Pretty Definitively Gay And Hold Hands A Lot. So TJ doesn’t really know how to adjust accordingly.
But eventually, Cyrus shows up to his house and it’s decided that he kind of has to adjust accordingly, or at least as accordingly as he can while not knowing what’s actually going on between them.
As soon as TJ opens the door, Cyrus steps in and wraps him in a hug. TJ’s heart flips and melts and explodes all at the same time, but it helps a lot . Because this is still Cyrus. He’s still with his best friend.
After he’s finished burrowing his head in Cyrus’ neck, he pulls away and starts listing all the movies he has on deck, as well as the menu he has prepared for their movie night. ( Original, cheese, and caramel popcorn, as well as assorted candies and sodas, of course. )
“Ok, from that list, I definitely vote either Alex Strangelove or Mary Poppins Returns. ”
“One after the other?” TJ suggests with a raise of an eyebrow. Cyrus smiles.
“Deal.”
-
They’ve just finished their second movie of the night. TJ sits in the corner of their couch with his arm draped across the top. He wouldn’t say he has his arm around Cyrus, but if his hand drifted low enough to play with the neckline of the boy’s shirt, well…
“I forgot how much I loved that movie,” Cyrus says. “Emily Blunt could rule America and I’d pay taxes to her.”
“You don’t pay taxes,” TJ says.
“Yeah, ever wonder why?” Cyrus says.
They both laugh softly, and TJ only now realizes that his arm is now fully, and officially around Cyrus’ shoulders. Their faces are most likely half a foot apart, and TJ just wants them to be closer.
Cyrus’ face is softened in the dim lighting of the room, yet his eyes are just as bright and expressive as ever. TJ knows he could stare into them for the rest of his life and never get bored.
But there’s something else he wants to do right now.
He goes to move his face towards Cyrus, but stops himself.
“Cyrus?” He whispers.
“Yeah?” Cyrus responds. His chest is heaving up and down, which TJ only just noticed.
TJ slips his fingers from the boy’s shoulder to the side of his neck. His arm is now wrapped around his neck, and he’s slowly caressing Cyrus’ neck and jawline.
“Can I kiss you?”
Cyrus’ brows raise just the tiniest bit, even though it’s extremely likely that he knew exactly what TJ was going to ask him. He nods, almost imperceptibly.
“Yes, please,” he breathes out.
So, TJ finally, finally leans forward, and swallows up Cyrus’ breath with his lips. Cyrus has soft lips, just like TJ knew he would. Their lips only stay connected for a moment, but in that moment, Cyrus lifts his hand up and rests it on TJ’s face, stroking his thumb against his cheekbone. When TJ pulls away, he keeps him as close as possible.
Their noses are still touching. Cyrus lets out a shaky breath with a smile, and presses his forehead against the taller boy’s.
“I cannot tell you how many times I have wanted to do that,” TJ whispers. Cyrus smiles even wider.
“Welcome to my world.”
TJ leans forward once more and presses a kiss to Cyrus’ nose, and then his cheek, then his forehead, and then he’s peppering kisses all over Cyrus’s face as he giggles. When they finally settle down, TJ clicks on another movie for them to watch, and Cyrus curls up into his side and rests his head on TJ’s chest.
And as TJ absentmindedly draws patterns into Cyrus’ shoulder with the tip of his finger, he has only one thought on his mind.
Yeah, he thinks. Totally worth it.