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Jensen scrubbed his hand over his face as he sat hunched on the couch in his trailer. He mentally ran through his conversation with Jeremy again. “I’m sorry Jensen, we can’t put it off any more. I know you didn’t want the show to go there, but we don’t have a choice at this point.”
Dean and Cas were going to happen. Jensen had been fighting it for years, begging the writers and Jeremy and Robert to leave the subtext as subtext. But the fan backlash and all the years of buildup had finally reached critical mass and they were going to do it. Jensen had no idea if he would survive this.
Unbidden, an image of Misha laughing leapt to mind. Then of Misha dancing. Misha smiling. Misha chasing him covered in pie. Misha petting his face. Misha hugging him. Misha, Misha, Misha.
Six years. He had built a wall very carefully over the course of six years. A wall behind which he buried whatever the hell it was that he felt for Mish. And now it was all going to come fucking crumbling down because there was no way he would be able to touch Misha like that and be ok. Being around the man was painful enough, it hurt him physically some times. Season 9 had been a relief, to be honest. Having fewer Dean and Cas scenes had allowed him to breathe, to reinforce his wall. Although being away from Misha was a double edged sword. That hurt too, maybe more than being with him. Jensen had just learned to manage the pain, to take what he was allowed to have, because what he wanted was something he couldn’t allow himself to think about, couldn’t allow himself to ask for.
Now he was going to have to do something that would damage all of what he had built. He would not be able to just be Dean kissing Castiel. It would be Jensen kissing Misha and if he crossed that line, actually tasted it, he wouldn’t be able to go back. Wouldn’t be able to not want that again. He didn’t think he had the strength. He let out a groan and grabbed his phone to call Jared.
“What’s up, Jen?” Jared’s perpetually upbeat tone answered.
“They’re going to do it, Jay.” Jensen whispered.
“Do what? What’s wrong? What’s the matter?”
“Dean and Cas. It’s going to happen.”
“Oh.” Jared grew quiet. “I’m sorry Jen, I know you didn’t want that.”
“Yeah. I don’t.”
“Look, Jensen, you are like a brother to me and you know I will back you up no matter what. Hell I have been backing you up on this for years even though I don’t totally get it, but really what’s the big deal? It isn’t like you haven’t kissed a dude on screen before, and you and Mish are friends. It’ll be fine.”
“No Jay, it won’t. It’s Misha.“
“Uh, yeah. It’s Misha. So? I think he might actually be a little offended that you don’t want to make out with him.”
“Fuck Jay, you don’t understand!”
“You’re right, I don’t. Explain it to me.”
Jensen struggled to find a way to make his friend understand without baring his shameful secret. Without breaking the wall. “It’s Misha.” was all that came out, in a small broken voice.
Jared is silent for a long moment. “Shit, Jen, are you serious?”
“What?” Jensen is suddenly defensive, and terrified.
“You don’t want Dean to kiss Cas because you want to kiss Misha?”
“No! I didn’t say that!” Jensen scrambles.
“You didn’t have to Jensen, I have known you way too long. Man, how the fuck did I not see this? I’m an idiot. You like him. Like him like him. Wow.”
“Of course I like him, we’re friends. You like him too. You can’t meet the guy and not fall in love with him.” Jensen retorts, then freezes. He just said out loud what he had been pushing down for at least three years. He was in love with Misha. Madly, desperately in love with another man. It really was impossible not to love him. He was such an amazing, generous, real person. He gives so much of himself, and always lives in such a full, joyous way. For someone like Jensen, who was shy and introverted and worried too much about what people though, Misha was like a beacon of light. He was everything Jensen wished he could be, and being near Misha was like being bathed in sunshine.
“In love with him, huh?” Jared’s words are quiet.
“Jay, I swear to God if you say ONE WORD…”
“You know I won’t do that Jen. But you gotta figure this out, somehow. It’s gonna happen and you need to get a handle on whatever you need to get a handle on. Maybe you can talk to Mish?”
“No Jared, just, no. I can’t do that. I can’t put this on him. It’s my problem, not his.”
“Maybe not, but it isn’t fair to keep him in the dark like this. He’s your friend and something like this has the potential to ruin that friendship. Would you be ok with that?”
Of course Jensen wouldn’t be ok with that. All he has is Misha’s friendship. He can’t have anything more, so losing the friendship would be unbearable. “No.” is his resigned reply.
“You might want to talk to Dani too.”
“No, no way Jared! She can’t know!!!”
“Jensen, she loves you. She isn’t going to want you to be miserable. This isn’t a random other woman. Just think about it.”
“Fine. I will. Gotta go man.”
“It will be ok, Jensen.”
“Sure.” Jensen doesn’t believe him. There is no way this can ever be ok. As soon as the call ends, his phone starts to ring. It’s Daneel. He sighs, but answers.
“Hey baby.” she responds to his greeting.
“How is JJ?”
“She’s great. How are you? Demon Dean treating you ok?”
“For now. Look, Dani, I gotta tell you something.”
“Sure babe, anything.”
“They are going through with the Dean and Cas thing.” Daneel is silent and Jensen starts to worry. “Dani?”
“Wow. Will you be able to handle that?” she asks.
“Umm, sure, why wouldn’t I?” Jensen’s voice trembles despite his efforts to keep it still.
“Because of how you feel about Mish.” she says softly.
“Wha…what!?”
“I’m married to you. I can read you like a book. I’ve known for probably longer than you have.”
“You’re not mad? How are you not mad?” Jensen is incredulous.
“Jensen, I can’t blame you for falling for him. The guy is pretty loveable. I do wish you would do something about it though. Six years has been a long ass time to watch you miserable and pining.”
Jensen is floored and unable to speak. His wife, his wonderful, amazing, understanding wife is telling him that he can have something he never in a hundred million years thought he could ever consider having.
“I can’t D, I can’t ask that of him. Of Vicki. It would be wrong.”
“I think that’s a decision you need to let him and Vicki make. Unless you think you can really kiss him for the show alone and walk away. Go back to just being friends like before.”
“I won’t be able to Dani. I know I won’t. That’s why I begged them not to do this. Touching him like that will break me.” Jensen confesses, ashamed and scared. “I want it too much.”
“Then tell him. He needs to know.”
Jensen knows she is right. He just needs to figure out how, how he can tell his good friend of six years that he loves him. “Ok, Dani. He’s on set this week. I’ll talk to him.”
Jensen is a jittery mess by the time Misha is back on set. Jared is there too, which usually helps calm him down, but now that Jared knows, his presence only adds to Jensen’s anxiety. As if Misha will know Jensen‘s secret, just by looking at Jared. This episode has more of Cas getting his ass kicked, which Jensen hates to watch. It makes his stomach churn, so when he doesn’t have to be there, he retreats to his trailer. He’s sprawled on the couch in his trailer, running his lines through his head and trying to ignore the fact that Misha is so near, just outside. He is like a compass and Misha is his absolute North. He feels the pull deep in his bones. Suddenly restless, he pops up and starts rummaging around for something to drink when he hears a knock on his trailer. Assuming it’s a PA telling him when to be back for his scene, he throws it open casually and promptly drops the can of soda in his hand when he sees Misha. The fake blood is gone and his make up has been retouched. He is still in full Castiel gear. Misha grins.
“Did I scare you, Jen?” Mischief twinkles in those blue eyes and Jensen feels his heart beat double time. Usually now would be the time he would stomp down all those feelings and carefully tuck it all behind the wall, but now, now his wall is cracked. Daneel knows. Jared knows. He has permission to see if this is something he can have. The sheer force of the emotion that has been growing so steadily over the years is battering at the barricade he built and leaking through. Jensen feels the urge to throw his arms around the other man, crush him close. He swallows hard and just smiles, weakly.
“Like you could scare me.” his response is lame, he knows, and his voice is thinner than it should be. The twinkling eyes darken into concern.
“You ok?” Misha asks, tilting his head in that signature Castiel confused pose the fan girls love.
“Yeah, yeah…fine. They need me?” Jensen tries to recover, reaching down to grab the can he dropped.
“No, not right now. They’re filming Jared in the bunker. I just, well, Jeremy told me where they are going with Dean and Cas and I thought maybe we should talk about it?”
Jensen feels the blood leave his face. As much as he may know he should have this conversation, that doesn’t make it something he feels ready for. Misha must read the terror in his face because he suddenly looks sad and shuffles his feet. “Can I come in at least?” he asks.
“What? Oh, yeah, sure.” Jensen steps back from the doorway and allows his costar inside. Misha shuts the door behind him. Jensen suddenly feels like his trailer is way too small and he can’t breathe. Misha has been in here before, it isn’t like this is new, but that was when he had his wall intact and was reminding himself every two minutes that this was his friend. Only his friend. That he couldn’t be more. Never could be anything more. Now things were all jumbled and his feelings were consuming him and he can’t get enough air into his lungs. Misha looks worried.
“Jensen? Are you alright? You look like you’re gonna pass out.”
Jensen shakes his head, and sits down, putting his head between his knees to try and slow his inhalations. He feels the couch sink beside as Misha sits down and starts rubbing circles on his back. Jensen wants to tell him to stop, to go away, because if they start to touch Jensen won’t want to stop but he can’t slow his breath enough. Misha heaves a sigh.
“Look Jen, I know that you really, really didn’t want the show to go this direction, and I’m sorry. I hate that you feel so strongly that you don’t want to do this with me, and I want to assure you that I will behave. It will be totally professional. We’re friends, we can do this. I mean, I’m not so bad looking that you can’t pretend I’m Dani for a few minutes, right?” Misha’s laugh is weak, and sounds self conscious which is so not Misha, and Jensen hates it. Hates that he has made his friend feel like this is his fault when it’s Jensen’s. Jensen swallows hard and finally gets a handle on his lungs. He sits up and meets the other man’s sad blue eyes.
“It isn’t you, Mish.” he manages. “It’s me. It’s always been me.”
“I mean, I get that you never saw Dean as being in love with Cas and didn’t see his character that way, but would it really be so terrible? It would make so many fans happy, ya know? “ Misha continues talking earnestly as if trying to sell Jensen on the idea. Totally not comprehending the real problem. Jensen can’t help but laugh.
“Misha, I get it. I know Dean and Cas are in love. That isn’t the issue.”
Misha’s squinty perplexed face is adorable. In that expression, Misha and Cas kind of become one. “Then why….” he trails off, gesturing with one hand as if he could continue the sentence with the motion.
“I don’t think I can kiss you, Mish.” Jensen manages. Misha’s shoulders slump and Jensen hurries to finish the sentence before his brain can kick in a tell him to shut the fuck up. “I can’t kiss you for the show and not want to do it again.”
Misha takes a moment to process before his blue eyes go wide. He searches Jensen’s face, and suddenly tears well up. Jensen feels as if he’s been punched in the gut. “I’m sorry, Mish. I should never have said anything, but I felt like you had the right to know. I’m so sorry. Please don’t let this ruin our friendship. I can’t lose that.”
Suddenly Misha starts to laugh, a broken, hysterical thing that is almost eerie. Jensen is scared for a moment. “Mish? Say something.”
“Jensen Ackles are you fucking kidding me?” Misha swipes at a tear that has escaped as he speaks.
“Uh, no?” Jensen is frightened and very confused.
“Do you know how fucking long I have wanted you, you asshole?” Misha has stopped laughing, but there are still tears glistening in his eyes. “I told Vicki during season 5 that if you ever showed any sign of interest that I was going to go for it. All these fucking years and you tell me NOW!?”
Jensen opens his mouth, but no words come out. Nothing seems adequate. Misha wanted him? Had already talked to Vicki? Jensen had suffered all these years when he maybe hadn’t needed to? He struggles to make all his thoughts come together then finally gives up and does the one thing that his entire being is screaming for. He kisses Misha Collins. Misha startles before pressing back.
It isn’t coordinated. It’s sloppy, it’s rushed. It’s also glorious and amazing and Jensen feels dizzy with it. With Misha. He pulls back, but not far. Their noses are almost close enough to brush. “I talked to Dani. She knows. She told me I needed to tell you. You have no idea how hard it’s been to be around you and not do this. God, I’ve been in love with you for years, Mish.”
They kiss again and this time it’s slower, neater, and softer. Misha’s lips are as delicious as they look and Jensen can’t help himself from nipping at them. Misha opens and Jensen greedily licks inside the other man’s mouth. Tracing and memorizing every nook in case he never has this opportunity again. Only when his lungs start crying for air does he break apart.
“You are a complete and total moron, Jensen.” Misha murmurs. Jensen laughs.
“You’re probably right.”
“So think you can handle the Dean and Cas kiss now?”
“Only if Jensen gets to keep kissing Misha offscreen. No way I'm giving this up. ”
Misha’s endless ocean eyes start to glimmer in that way that Jensen knows means trouble. “Deal.”