Work Text:
I Need Help
“Severide: Um… I need help.
Gabby: You got it.”
Gabby knew that Kelly asking for help had not been easy but it was the first step of many to come, and none of the steps were going to be easy. She wondered how much it had to do with the fact that he had almost lost Shay, not just in the ambulance crash but the fact that she had packed a bag and was preparing to move out of their shared apartment. She also wondered how long it would have gone on, how further would he have spiralled if it weren’t for her calling him out on the fact he was high when he had visited Shay. They hadn’t been able to talk through everything given that the firehouse alarms had sounded after his admission. “Um...I need help.” He had said, she could see the fear in his eyes, his whole demeanour was so unlike his usual one, it was one of a broken man begging for help. “You got it.” It was three words but she had meant them and she was going to do everything she could to help because she knew who he was and what he meant to those around them.
Chicago Fire
Kelly had come home and collapsed on the couch with a ice pack firmly fixed to his neck as he stared up at the ceiling. The pain had only intensified since he had asked Gabby for help and had not taken another illegally procured prescription pain pill despite how much agony he was in. He needed help, he knew that but he didn’t know what to do. He had a broken neck, a potentially career ending injury, and then there was the question of how much worse had he made everything by self medicating. He was scared of everything, scared of never being able to work, scared of what his colleagues especially his Chief would say and think, scared of going without the pills, scared of getting surgery which could paralyse him, scared of losing Shay although a part of him felt he had already... he was scared and there was no more hiding. He knew he needed help and he’d asked for it.
Chicago Fire
Gabby raised her hand and knocked on the door then stepped back and waited. She heard his pained grunt as the door opened and he stepped aside allowing her in wordlessly before he closed the door behind her. She walked right in with the bags of groceries that she had stopped to get on her way, and made her way to the kitchen. She placed the bags on the bench then turned to look at him seeing he had made it halfway from the door to the kitchen with his hand clutched to the melted ice pack held against his neck and over his shoulder. She could see the slightly confused expression on his face.
“Go sit down, I’ll bring you a heat pack, it should be better than the ice." She ordered not answering his unasked questions. He didn’t say anything instead he obeyed her as he moved his weary pain ridden body to the couch and sat down, manoeuvring the pillows around so he could settle his arm on them helping to ease the pain. She quickly found the drawer with the Shay's extensive medical supplies including multiple heat packs filled with buckwheat and slid one of the larger ones into the microwave, setting the time and turning it on.
Kelly let his eyes close as he tried to focus on anything but the pain coursing through his neck, down his spine, through his shoulders and causing his hand to contract painfully as the pain went down his arm. He wondered how long it would be before the withdrawals would start but he didn’t want to think about that just yet either.
“Kelly.” Gabby spoke softly as she sat down on the coffee table in front of him making him open his eyes. She leaned forward and removed the melted ice pack before she slipped the heated heat pack under his shirt, moving it into place before she leaned back. She noticed his hand contracting uncontrolled and slipped her hand into his. “Squeeze my hand.” She wanted to test his strength and see if her thinking that he had no control of his hand at that moment was correct. He obliged her as best as he could but he knew it was weak and it only served to make his pain soar.
“I’m going to make us something to eat." She told him already figuring that he hadn’t eaten, and he needed to keep his strength up. He grimaced as he tried to give her a small nod in acknowledgment but it only served to send another violent shot of pain through his body. She gave him a sad smile before she stood up and headed to the kitchen having already decided to make a simple pasta dish that would only require one of his hands to hold a fork and that would be nutritious and filling, as she doubted he had been taking care of himself outside of the firehouse in regards to eating healthy especially without Shay around. She had picked up all the ingredients for her spaghetti with sautéed chicken and grape tomatoes.
Chicago Fire
Kelly glanced across at Gabby as she sat down having placed her bag on the floor. They’d had dinner early, and she had swapped the heat packs out twice but now he knew that things were about to get heavy, to get serious. He knew the time would come that they needed to talk, that he needed to be truthful. He was the one who reached out but he wasn’t sure he was prepared to be completely truthful and admit everything, admit how far he had fallen. He closed his eyes as he shifted in his seat trying to take more of the pressure off of his neck although it was of little success.
“In laments terms, my neck is broken. I broke it the day...the day Andy died." He spoke with his eyes still closed struggling with his final words. He figured saying it straight was the easiest but it wasn’t. Maybe saying it this time was finally making it sink it. His neck was broken. "My neck is broken." He murmured again as reality hit.
Gabby was stunned by his admission. She was shocked and then the pieces fell into place. She realised why he was so scared and why he was spiralling. Andy had died and the investigation partially blamed Squad's failure to vent, but not only did he lose his best friend, best friends if someone were to include Casey in that toll, but his career could very well be over. He was barely holding on and he was fighting. He didn’t need anything else reminding him of that fateful day. Maybe a part of it was guilt; maybe he was punishing himself without knowing he was. Maybe the pain was his way of punishing himself for his teams failure to vent, and maybe he was scared that there was nothing without being a firefighter, that he was nothing if he wasn’t a firefighter.
"Kelly... Kelly, look at me." She had moved in front of him, taking a seat on the coffee table. She placed her hands on his knees as she broke him out of his thoughts well aware that the reality was finally hitting him.
"I’ve really screwed up... I’ve screwed everything up. My necks broken. I’ve been abusing pain killers and who knows what they’ve done to my body... I’ve hurt, I’ve lost Shay... Pushed almost everyone else away… Lied… My best friend died, Andy died... And I don’t know who I am anymore. What happened to me? What have I done?" Everything was coming out, there was no filter, and he felt lost. The questions couldn’t be answered as he had already answered them.
"You reached out. You’ve asked for help. You’re going to get clean, and you’re going to heal." She spoke softly but firmly, he needed to believe her words. She had never seen him so vulnerable, so inconsolable, but she also knew he needed to break down, he needed to realise the gravity of the situation he was in and he needed to say everything he felt.
“But at what cost?" He asked pausing before he continued, "If I have the surgery, I could end up paralysed, end up on permanent disability, and then what do I do? I’ve been a firefighter my entire life. Squad was all I ever wanted. Squad's all I’ve known since I was twenty three. Firefighting is the only reason my Dad has ever been interested in me, and even then it’s not much. I never had a back up plan, I still don’t." He finished grimacing. He was angry, he was sad, he was in pain and he felt a vulnerability he had never felt.
"Getting you healthy is the most important thing right now. Being in constant debilitating pain is no way to live every day. And how much of a toll has hiding everything taken on you?... You’re in pain now, I can see the pain... Everything else will fall into place and you haven’t lost anyone. We are all still here. Shay loves you and she’ll be here with you." She told him struggling to see him this way. She knew how important being a firefighter was to him, and truthfully she couldn’t argue with him about the risks of neck surgery but he couldn’t continue living as he was barely making to from minute to minute, hour to hour. She also knew how hard it was for both Kelly and Shay to be fighting, and apart; they were each other’s rocks, and he was scared of losing her, not just in death.
“Shay moved out to stay with you. She hates me, hates who I’ve become. I’m supposed to protect her, I’m supposed to be her best friend, love her always... All I’ve done is take advantage, hurt her, push her away. Hell I turned up at the hospital high on pain meds. I don’t blame her for leaving, I don’t blame her for giving up on me, I’ve given up on me." He admitted giving her an insight into their friendship.
"She hasn’t given up on you Kelly. She just couldn’t watch you put yourself through this anymore. We’ll talk to her once we have a plan. You know she’ll be here with you, for you, every step of the way." She knew Shay, she knew how much she loved him.
"I’m going cold turkey, no more illegal pain medication. And I have to tell Boden, he should fire me on the spot... I want to tell Shay first, want her to know I’m trying to get better." He decided in that moment despite how scared he felt. He was already in agony but he couldn’t keep running away, couldn’t keep hiding.
"Okay. We can talk to Shay together. And I’m here. Going cold turkey isn’t going to be easy so I will help take care of you and Shay." She volunteered although she wasn’t going to let either of them go through this alone. She could see how exhausted he was now that he had let his facade fade. She could also see the pain. She glanced at the large wall clock and saw that there was still some time before they had to go pick up Shay from the hospital.
"I’m going to get you a new heat pack. We’ve still got some time before Shay is being discharged so why don't you try to get some sleep?" She suggested knowing he was exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally.
"Don’t think I can." He simply stated as he knew he would be unable to get comfortable as every little move caused more pain to course through his body.
"At least rest then." She compromised before she stood up heading to reheat another heat pack.
"Gabby, thank you." He spoke sincerely as he settled back down on the sofa.