Chapter Text
Jisung was alone, that much was normal anymore. A few months previously it seemed as if his friends and him were as tight as could be. Countless hours and days spent together, laughing to the point of crying until one day it became somber tears. It was a cycle, sick and gruesome cycle. They would be friends for a few months, as tight as can be until they got tired of Jisung and decided they didn’t need him. Everything would be okay between them until suddenly he wouldn’t get invited over. Then it would be less and less texts, no responses and radio silence until someone snapped. Usually it would be Hyunjin to go after Jisung first, as it always had been. 11 years of friendship gone, flushed down the toilet to never be brought up again. Following Hyunjin would always be Felix, the boy was so eager to seek Hyunjin’s approval. Jisung and Felix were close but if one of the others hated Jisung so did Felix. Jisung just braved it out, giving one last shy smile at Seungmin before they walked into Felix’s house. “You’re selfish”. “You’re annoying”. “I never wanted to be your friend”. The words hurt but they were all familiar at this point. Jisung braved the words and went home in silence, holed up in his room with soft songs playing in the background. That’s how this part of the cycle works for him, he lays in his room and stares off into space. He’ll end up breaking down at some point and crying but he’ll grow tired and crash. Hyunjin, Felix and Seungmin are all doing great, as per usual even in this part of the cycle. They’re still friends and spend every waking second with each other without even acknowledging that there was once a fourth member of the group, it’s like it has always been just the three of them. Jisung will reflect on their friendship and realize how badly he’s been treated but hey, what is he to do about it? They were his only friends ever and even though he says he won’t be friends with them again, it’ll happen again and again. He was there to talk them down when their mind couldn’t take anymore of the darkness it had, when one of them was hated by the other two, or even when the other two couldn’t hang and he became the last choice. He was used to being the one to help others with their problems when he himself turned a blind eye to his own issues. Every cry for help being responded with a “same”, “felt that” and “hope you feel better tomorrow”. The countless nights spent sobbing and trying to talk himself down from the darkness that lurked in his mind, the times he had to tell himself to suck it up because they needed him and the attempts where he would be released in three days and none of them would notice he was gone, the time where Jisung had to call the suicide hotline but ended up with no service and broke down even more. Jisung was lonely, he never thought he would live past his 13th birthday and he certainly didn’t expect himself to somehow get worse. He was excited for his 16th birthday, he couldn’t wait to celebrate it! At least that’s what he had thought half a year ago, however when his birthday came he arrived home to silence and spent it holed up in his room, alone. He wanted to go to prom and homecoming with his friends, he wanted to make dumb decisions he would regret monday and he wanted to be complaining that his stomach hurt with how much he was laughing. Jisung didn’t have that, he had his solitude and room to return to every day. It was the same routine wake up, go to school, come home and do homework and then lay there for the rest of the night. It was putting on smiles and helping others with their problems as he let himself wither away into a shell of what, of who, he once was. He was once happy and always hungry not he couldn’t be bother to eat and never went a day without crying. Seungmin agreed to being his friend even after everything happened but somehow Jisung still ended up being the back up plan. Never once being the first choice, only there when convenient for Seungmin. When the other had to rant about Hyunjin or Felix or when the other two were busy, Jisung just happened to be the go to. He’s tired, Jisung is oh so tired of being a rag doll for people to use when they need and then toss in some dark corner only to be never seen again. He’s tired of the pain and silent cries, perhaps in his next life he’ll get treated better but for now he just knows it’s getting harder. He’s not sure how much longer he can take of this treatment.