Work Text:
I'm gay.
I'm gay.
I'm gay.
The first time Taylor Swift said those words out loud she'd just turned 14 and she could hear her own heart beat in her ears, so loud that it drowned out her words.
Those scary, stigmatized words that she'd been planning to let pass over her lips for months by the time they actually did.
Now, all these years later all she can remember from around the time of her 14th birthday is the day after her the party. It was overwhelming nausea, it was shaking hands and then hugs, a lot of hugs, most of them from her mother who'd always been supportive and proud of Taylor for being herself; no matter what that had meant over the years.
Andrea is standing beside Taylor now as the 29-year old looks over her appearance in the mirror and presses her stubborn, unruly hair down for the fifth time in just over a minute. Her mom's smile is encouraging, "You look great, honey." She says placing a hand on her daughter's shoulder, "You look great and you can do this."
"Thanks mo-" Taylor begins only to be cut off by the sound of her phone ringing in the back of her jeans' pocket.
Fishing the phone out Taylor glances at the screen and smiles, "it's Austin." She announces, accepting the call and putting the device to her ear.
"Hi!"
"Hey! How are you doing so far?" Her little brother asks gently and Taylor's smile dies from her lips as if on command.
"I'm okay, I'm waiting for Karlie..."
"She's not there?"
"She and dad just took Joe for a walk..."
"Lousy timing!"
"No it's okay, I'm okay...And mom's here."
"Okay...Teffy?"
"Mhm?"
"I love you and I'm damn proud of you."
"Thanks," I love you too!"
The two have barely hung up when Karlie comes into the room in the company of Joe the dog and Scott Swift. Karlie immediately takes Joe's leash off and then makes her way right to Taylor who has now sat down at the piano.
As her girl walks over Taylor has the time to observe her own fingers on the piano keys and to will her hands (to only moderate success) to stop shaking.
She takes a deep breath and looks up at the clock, five minutes til midnight. Exhaling unevenly Taylor lets her finger dance over the piano keys without pressing them down, just to check she has it all memorized.
Just then Karlie is there, close, with her, wrapping her arms around her fiancée.
"How are you doing, Daisy?" She whispers softly and Taylor feels herself tense up at the uncomfortable question.
"I'm fine, I've got this..." She says and wishes she could've sounded more confident.
"Damn right you do," Karlie assures her, "but I'm gonna need you to talk to me because I can hear in your voice that you're not okay..." The younger woman pushed.
"...I'm...nervous." Taylor admits reluctantly, the statement sounds almost like a question and her voice is small.
"Awww," Karlie pulls her closer and brushes some hair away from Taylor's neck with her nose, kissing the now exposed skin almost teasingly, "My baby still gets nervous?"
"Extra, tonight..." Taylor leans her head back and into Karlie, wanting the embrace to protect her from the mounting anxiety.
"What if they figure it out, Karls?" She mumbles and feels her heart fall into her stomach once again as a new wave of nausea hits.
More kisses, "if they do they do." Karlie says simply and there is a trademark Sunshine smile in her tone. Taylor twists her engagement ring nervously and Karlie rubs her back in reassurance.
"Baby, you're being the bravest possible version of yourself and I'm so damn proud of you!"
"I hate to interrupt this supportive moment," Tree's voice, (filled with so much genuine empathy and care that Taylor wants to cry from the overwhelming love in the room) sounds from the couch, "But that's two minutes to midnight, T."
"Okay," Taylor agrees a little breathlessly, slipping her ring off and handing it to Karlie before she mounts her phone atop the piano, in the optimal angle to record her face and the keys as she plays. Karlie scurries away and collects Joe before joining the others on the couch.
"If this is too much, we can always take the backup." Tree reminds Taylor who only shakes her head.
They've been planning this for weeks now and she won't back out at the last second. There will be plenty of time to play In Your Eyes later after all, it will be the second single, but it shouldn't be the song played or released tonight.
"Okay, the post is up and it's midnight, go!" Tree says and Taylor presses record on her phone to officially start the Live video now streaming on her website where the countdown used to be only moments ago.
"Hi guys!" Taylor exclaims and waves at the camera, hoping her smile doesn't look as nervous as it feels.
To all the world it looks as if Taylor is sitting alone in the living room, at her piano, everyone watching her right now have no idea of the entire support system hidden from view. The support system of four of Taylor's favorite people on earth, only one of them secretly so.
She swallows, "So I figured before the new song goes up on all the streaming platforms I'd play it for you, just you and me, how does that sound?" She pauses for a moment as the comments pop up and she can't help but smile.
"Okay so the song is called Wedding Bells and it's off of my new album Proud that's gonna be out on July 13th, I am super excited for you to hear it!"
--
February 2017
"Karlie," Taylor said, exasperated and not even close to smiling. "Why are you trying to make this into a joke when I clearly don't find it fucking funny?"
These words were causing Karlie to seriously consider how much biting off her own tongue would actually hurt.
"Hey," she tried softly instead, "hey...I'm sorry, okay? I'm just trying to make this a little easier."
"But it's not easy baby, it's not!" Taylor protested and tears were running down her cheeks now.
"Believe me I know, but Taylor, please, I can't have you freak out like this, I-"
"I'm not freaking out," Taylor said, a little calmer now, wiping her tears and biting her lip to stop the new wave threatening to fall from her eyes.
"So what you're telling me," she asked slowly, seemingly fighting to keep her voice calm. "Is that you're going to pretend to marry him?"
At those absurd words being spoken aloud Karlie's already fragile, tired heart shattered into a million pieces, Taylor wasn't even looking at her anymore.
The singer had spun around and started aimlessly rearranging the dishes in the sink in an attempt to find something to do with her hands, probably.
"Okay, first of all," Karlie said as she walked over to her girlfriend, prepared to wrap her arms around the shorter woman. "The keyword here is pretend."
Karlie pulled Taylor close as she spoke and pressed her lips softly to the side of the singer's neck. Something that'd usually appease her, not this time though. Taylor (likely realizing what Karlie had in mind) jerked her head unceremoniously to the side, away from Karlie's approaching lips and causing a cup she'd been holding to fall back into the sink with a jarring crash.
The model hadn't noticed before, but now she could plainly both see and feel that Taylor was shaking and when she turned back towards Karlie the familiar blue eyes were flaring with...something. Anger? Hurt? Frustration?
Karlie caught herself lowering her own gaze at the sight; Taylor was clearly taking this badly. That had of course been expected, but Karlie was starting to get genuinely scared now, Taylor was even more upset than she'd feared.
"Well," She snapped, brusquely backing out of Karlie's attempted embrace and causing her arms to fall awkwardly to her sides, "We said it wouldn't go that far, we always said...." She seemed to lose her words, or her train of thought, or her sanity...
Karlie looked up to meet those eyes, dark with hurt now.
"Tay," She tried, but her girlfriend shook her head, her eyes almost overflowing with held back tears now.
"I just always thought-"
"I know..."
--
Taylor suppresses the rest of the unpleasant memory, she looks back up smiling at the camera again as she starts playing.
What if they figure it out? They won't though, not for another month and that's how she wants it, for tonight she's just proud of herself for taking the first step on this last bit of road.
It's been a long walk, but just like they promised each other that night in the back of a car, Karlie squeezing her hand, they've never stopped walking it together, not even for a second and soon everyone else will get to march with them too.
There may not be a pot of gold at the end of this rainbow, but there will be happiness. Happiness and freedom for her and for Karlie and that will be worth all of this, the tears and the fear. Maybe it's the fact that she took such a hefty doze of anxiety suppressors for this but Taylor isn't scared anymore, not one bit, instead she's proud!