Chapter Text
The first day Killua wakes up and Gon is gone, it feels like the world's ended. It feels like someone blew a cannonball right through his middle and took out all his insides. It sucks.
He spends a few minutes blinking up at the ceiling feeling sorry for himself, and then he thinks, This is stupid. And, I thought I had a higher pain tolerance than this.
He's been without Gon for a long time now. Even before Gon was in a hospital bed, he was lost to his guilt about Kite and whatever else made his eyes shade over when he looked at Killua. Plus, Killua's been planning to leave for ages, and he even practiced with all those solo missions back in East Gorteau, and plus he's traveling with Alluka now. So to get hurt because Gon's off climbing a tree is just really, really dumb. He rolls over and buries his face in his pillow until tears stop leaking from it.
If it's his first day without Gon, it means it's his first day truly with Alluka. Killua sets to work hiding their tracks from the Zoldyck family. He may have shown that her powers are no threat to them, but there's no way he believes Illumi would give up on something he wants. Not Silva or Xeno either. Kurapika gets him the contact info of some underworld guy who can give them new documents and identities. They're just going to have to change locations a lot and try not to draw too much attention.
If Gon is the sun, then he lit everything around him. For those first few weeks, Killua is still blinded by his afterimage. If the rest of the world has always been secondary to Gon, then what kind of sick joke is it that Killua now has to live here?
He starts to get used to it. Then it gets bad again. Then better. Always forward and back, up and down, the whole experience messing with Killua's feelings so much he wishes Illumi had been right when he said Killua didn't have any. At the best time the pain is distant, not relevant to his life making daisy chains with Alluka and introducing her to his favorite snacks. Sometimes he misses Gon so much the absence suffocates him, the air in his lungs thin and insufficient. When it's bad it feels like the good times don't count, and when it's okay he gets mad at his past self for being so pointlessly sad.
He runs into Bisky in a town outside Yorknew. "We parted ways," he says when she asks.
She pats him on the head and says, "The first heartbreak is the worst." Killua groans loudly and wiggles out from under her affectionate hand.
"It's not like that," he says, crossing his arms. Bisky cackles knowingly. Killua reaches over and tries to pull her braid, but she flicks him away with her thumb and forefinger and tells him he better train more.
Is it like that, though? The phrase broken heart, if you ignore the gross sappy stuff, resonates. There are pieces of Killua that don't fit together like they used to. It's just that the whole, the person he was with Gon, hurt even worse. When he sees a couple of kids playing janken on the street, it sucker punches him in the gut. It's a type of pain the Zoldyck family training never prepared him for. It just makes him pissed off: at Gon, at himself, at the whole world for making this happen to him.
Gon calls Killua, infrequently at first, then more and more. Killua learns to hold the phone away from his ear when he picks up, when Gon inevitably yells KILLUUAAAAAAA!!! ("You're making me go deaf," he complains the first ten times, but Gon does it anyway.) Just the sound of his ringtone makes Killua's heartrate spike, bad enough that Alluka notices. "Which would you rather lose, nii-chan," she teases, "your phone or your Hunter License?" Killua's traitorous face goes hot.
At first it's a thrill every time. Gon's thinking of him! Then it becomes clear that Gon is just bored. Killua means adventure and fighting. Gon's old life. He always cared about that stuff more than he cared if Killua was beside him to do it. And talking to Gon makes Killua useless for the rest of the day: too sad to do anything, unable to resurface from his memories and furious with himself for not pulling it together. So he starts ignoring his phone, even leaving it behind or turning it off while he and Alluka explore. Sorry I've been really busy, he texts, and doesn't look at the response.
Time passes. Everything falls into the past. He stops expecting Gon by his side, so he stops noticing the absence so much. Some details of NGL and East Gorteau start to fade. (Other details are burned into the space behind his eyes permanently.)
Alluka turns twelve, the age Killua was when he took the Hunter Exam for the first time. It's one of his favorite memories: the leap of delight whenever Gon surprised him, the first thing that had interested him since he left home. Now he thinks about it and his heart is still. In his memory, Gon's insistence on persevering despite all odds seems less admirable than it did before. What were they even chasing with all that effort? Strength? Glory? Ging? None of it ever applied to Killua, and yet sometimes he can still feel his life draining from his body on the floor of an underwater cave in East Gorteau.
Sometimes the Hunter Association calls and asks him to take on projects, and he often accepts, as long as he can make arrangements for Alluka. At first he tried leaving her with Bisky, who he trusts the most, but she came back knowing how to put someone in a headlock. So he starts letting her stay with Kurapika and Leorio, who barely know him but clearly still feel loyalty under the bond that Gon forced them all to believe in. Just because Gon said we were friends doesn't mean we have to be friends, Killua wants to tell them, but he doesn't, because their dumb faces are always smiling when they see him.
Alluka makes friends everywhere they go. Not just adults who pat her on the head when she smiles, but kids her age. Sometimes he loses sight of her at a market and finds her in animated conversion with a group of kids, chatting about what's fun to do in town or getting herself invited to dinner. Killua is awkward with kids his age; he doesn't have much to talk about with anyone who doesn't have any combat experience.
He fights for money, which is boring but easy. Sometimes he runs up against a kid training in martial arts, like Zushi. (Another person Killua was friends with because Gon said he was.) Whenever it's a kid, Killua pretends to struggle so they feel better about losing. Sometimes he chats with them about training, and a few times they even pick up a traveling companion for the space of a few weeks or months. It never feels like the early days with Gon, like Killua is flying and they could do anything in the world. But it never goes bad the way things went bad with Gon either.
Time passes. Gon is still on Whale Island. Killua thinks about him less and less.
-
"Mito-san, plleeeaaaaaaassseeeeeee!!!!!"
Mito crosses her arms. "I said no, didn't I?" she says. "You're a healthy boy, so I know you heard me. Do you think it was an easy decision? Do you think a little word like ‘please' is going to change my mind?"
"But, Mito-san!" Gon falls to his knees and slams his hands on the floor, prostrating himself in front of her. "I'll do anything you want. I'll do double my chores for the whole year!"
Mito turns her face away, eyes defiantly closed. "And how will you do those chores if you're dead? You think I can trust that you'll come home after what happened last time?"
"Please," Gon says again, peeking up at her. If it were up to him, Mito wouldn't even know what happened last time. Morel and Knov visited a few months after he returned home, clapped him on the back and announced to Mito that her son was a hero. And then everything had to come out. Mito was so furious she barely spoke to him for weeks. The worst part is that even though she doesn't really get Nen, she understood that whatever power has been keeping Gon alive through his adventures has dried up. Now any chance he has of leaving the island with her blessing is gone. He isn't unkind enough to leave without it.
It's been two years of sitting around, doing homework and chores until his brain hurts. Two years of lying in the moss on the forest floor, so still the birds land on him and he can almost understand their conversations. Two years of fishing and hunting and swinging off tree branches, wrestling with wolf cubs, bumping noses with seals under the water. Stalking slithery little garter snakes, sprinting after startled hares. He is so. BORED!!!!
"Absolutely not, and that's that."
Gon fumes all the way through dinner, cramming forkfuls of roast fish sulkily into his mouth. If he can't leave the island he's going to die.
He doesn't speak to Mito for another whole day, and she doesn't speak to him either, although he can tell from the way she exhales sharply through her nose when she looks at him that she's annoyed.
Finally, she breaks. "Can't you at least understand why I don't want you to go?"
"Of course I do," Gon yelps, eager to jump back into the argument. "But it'll be safe, even without Nen. I'm only going to be around other Hunters!" And he's still a Hunter. They didn't take his license away, even if he's ruined.
Mito hadn't even planned to tell him. Gon had to find the letter himself, tucked away in a basket near the door. Gon Freecss is invited to a commendation ceremony honoring those who fought the Chimera Ants in East Gorteau.
He gets where Mito is coming from. It's not just what happened back then. She's watched him in the two years since, struggling with his newfound aimlessness, threatened by black waves of despair. It's nearly pulled him under more than once. She has good reasons to worry about him.
But her biggest weakness is that she loves him.
Mito's face creases into exhaustion. "I just don't want you to go thinking it'll be like it was before. You're vulnerable. If there's a threat, I'm worried you wouldn't let someone else handle it."
Gon lets this roll over him, concealing his shudder. Maybe he is vulnerable, but he despises it.
"I know it won't be the same," he says. Despite his best efforts, a tiny note of bitterness creeps in. "But it's something to show for... everything that happened." The bargain he made. Trading his future for one battle and almost dying anyway.
"Please," he says again. Mortifyingly, his voice almost cracks. "I won't ask to leave again. I have to go."
God can see from the way Mito's shoulders shift that she's wavering. He doesn't push it anymore, just watches her face change, her brow softening.
"You're not going alone," she says finally. "Find someone to take you, and you can go."
"Thank you!!! Thank you, Mito-san, thank you, thank you—"
"I don't want to hear it!" Mito glares him down, fists on her hips. "You can thank me by coming back safe. I don't want empty promises this time."
Gon settles, lowering his eyes and bowing his head in acknowledgement. "I won't do anything stupid."
"I can't ask for that. I just want you to come home."
-
Gon wakes up before daybreak on the day Killua is supposed to arrive. He'd wanted to sleep out on the rocks near the ocean, so he could see the ship the second it crested the horizon. But Mito insisted he stay in the house for the last night before he left. He races to the sea as soon as the sky begins to pinken and squints into the sunrise.
Gon hasn't even talked to Killua in forever. Killua is really bad at remembering to text back! It took him ages to even respond to Gon's emails asking if they could go together to the ceremony. His responses had been really boring, too. Sure. What time. Nothing of the zip that Gon remembers from when they used to fight side by side.
So he can't wait to see Killua in the flesh. If he can't get his Nen back, the crackling energy of being with his best friend has to be the second greatest thing.
First there are hours and hours of waiting around. After fishing for his breakfast and gorging himself on a plot of wild strawberries, there's nothing to do but pace in the growing sunlight, his heartrate climbing with the morning temperature. Finally, after nine million thousand years, the ship appears! Except it's coming towards them more slowly than anything Gon's ever seen, slower than the worms that squiggle across his path after it rains.
Gon has to wait another ten years before the ship docks and people start streaming down the gangway, and then finally, finally, there's a tuft of white fluff and angled blue eyes a shade halfway between the sky above and the ocean below. Killua is there, right in front of him, older and taller and a little broader in the shoulders (Gon touches his own self-consciously—could he still open the Testing Gate now?), but it's him.
"KILLUA!" Gon shrieks, waving with both arms. Killua's clear blue eyes meet his, and Gon's heart fills with golden light.
Killua's eyes widen, his face open and softly uncertain. Then his brows knit and he shakes his head. He doesn't smile.
Instead he folds in on himself, shoulders hunching inward. He shoves his hands in his pockets and slinks over to Gon. "Hi."
"Um." Gon wants to pull him into a big, bone-cracking hug, but something about the set of Killua's spine makes him hesitate. Hasn't Killua always looked happy to see him in the past, even if he was playing it cool? Like when Gon showed up at the Zoldyck mansion? "Mito-san wanted me to invite you to lunch while the boat re-stocks."
"Sure." Killua shrugs. He's always been hard to read. Maybe this is just what he's like, and Gon forgot. Despite the chill in his demeanor, he looks really good in his lilac shirt and khaki shorts, a gold pendant on a long chain around his neck. But Killua's always looked good—at least, Gon has always admired him and his unruffled self assurance. And maybe he's confusing Killua's looks with the way Gon feels when he looks at him. He's missed him so much.
Killua greets Mito politely, still as out of place in Gon's family home as he was at age twelve. Mito fawns over him anyway, pushing more food on him whenever he finishes a dish. Killua doesn't get along with his family. Maybe it's the aura of parentlessness that makes Mito feel like she has to be five mothers to him at once. She thanks him multiple times for "looking after Gon," which makes Gon want to burst into flames and fall into a pile of ashes.
Gon doesn't push Killua to talk during lunch. There's always been a side of him that comes out when they're away from adults (Mito, Killua's family, Bisky). It's the magic between the two of them—their ease in combat, their unspoken confidence in each other. Gon is itching to see the glint in Killua's eyes that he gets when they're attacking a goal together. Even if it's only an airship ride to Swaldani City.
When lunch is over, Mito loads them down with food for the trip. Her hands linger on Gon's shoulders before she squeezes, lets go and waves him off. They scramble back to the dock, feet light on the springy grass. For the first time in two years, things feel right.
-
"Killua, where's your sister?"
Killua is looking out at the ocean, his elbows on the ships railing and his face propped up by his hands. Gon sits astride the rail next to him, one foot kicking over the deck and one catching the occasional spray from the bouncing waves.
The boat's movement resonates with his energy, leaping up and down with dizzy joy. Everywhere the sea air brushes his skin, he feels activated and alive. He keeps wanting to touch Killua, his excess energy too big to keep to himself—maybe just to put a hand on Killua's shoulder or play with his hair while they talk. He's so happy to see him that he wants more, to look closer, to be closer.
But Killua's energy doesn't match Gon's. He's watching the waves like he's trying to break their code.
"With Leorio and Kurapika."
"Why didn't you bring her with you?"
The wind throws Killua's hair into his face no matter how often he pushes it away. He gives up, letting white wisps lash his cheeks and forehead.
"I'm going on a mission for the Hunter Association right after this. So I wanted her to be somewhere safe."
"Oh." Two years of almost no news washes over Gon and leaves him a little woozy. Killua works for the Hunter Association? Gon doesn't know what he was picturing. Killua traveling the world having adventures like Ging, maybe. "What kind of Hunter are you?"
"Dunno. Whatever they need, I guess."
"Oh." Gon kicks his feet a little harder, determined not to let Killua blow him off. He's been out of the loop for so long, and right now his fingertips are finally scratching at the outside of the glass. "Where do Leorio and Kurapika live?"
Killua sinks a little lower into his slouch. "It's some town in the mountains in Saherta, I guess it's close to where Leorio went to school. Kurapika doesn't really stay in one place anyway. I guess I should have said she's with Leorio."
"But they live together? When Kurapika's around?"
"Yeah."
"That's cool!"
"I guess."
"Killuaaaa." Gon swings one of his feet up onto the railing and nudges Killua's shoulder with his toe. "Why don't you want to tell me about it?"
"Mm."
Gon wasn't sure at first, but now he is. Killua is avoiding looking at him. He wants to make him look, like he made Netero use his right hand to defend himself years ago.
He gives up for now, slinging his hands around his knee and leaning back to look at the sky. "I wish I could visit them."
"It's not that great. They just argue all the time."
"Why do they live together, then?"
Killua looks at him then, a frank glance out of the corner of his eye. "Are you serious? You don't know this?"
Gon's stomach lurches, out of sync with the waves. He knows he's missed a lot, but Killua doesn't have to bring attention to it. For this trip especially, he just wants to feel like things are normal.
Instead of acting like Gon's dumb for not knowing things, Killua could have just talked to him months ago and caught him up. He doesn't want to say that.
"I guess not."
"They're together. Like, together. Romantically. It's annoying."
Gon almost falls sideways into the ocean. He swings both legs around to the inside of the boat, clutching the railing with his fingers. "Seriously??"
"Yeah. For ages now."
Gon's fingers tighten against the railing until his knuckles turn white. When he thinks back on Leorio and Kurapika, he remembers them always fighting—on this very boat, in an elevator, during the exam. He's not surprised that there was love behind it, but this kind?
Was it obvious? Killua seems to think it was. Gon remembers Killua asking him years ago if he'd ever been on a date. He'd felt so experienced then, but it's so dumb looking back. As if humoring some tourists was anything like real romance. He hasn't done anything like that since he and Killua parted. He wouldn't even know where to start.
"I didn't know you could do that," he blurts out.
Killua frowns at him sideways. "Do what?"
Date people. Gon doesn't say that. It's not what he means anyway, but he can't figure out what he means. He's never thought of his friends as people he could date. He wouldn't even know how to tell the difference, how to judge if you wanted something else other than friendship. Gon already loves his friends to what feels like the limit of his capacity. How can you tell if it means more than that?
"I'm just surprised, I guess!"
Killua's back to ignoring him anyway. He stares into the ocean, his eyes glassy, as if he's thinking about something else entirely. Some kind of urgency crawls up Gon's throat and squeezes tight. He didn't like how condescending Killua was being, but Killua not paying attention to Gon is worse. Look at me, he pleads silently, his eyes tracing Killua's profile.
Then Killua does turn, and for a moment Gon's muscles go weak and he almost falls off the ship again.
"I'm gonna go below deck. It's a long boat ride."
It's clear he's not inviting Gon to come with him.
"Okay."
Gon tries not to sound deflated. But it's not a long boat ride at all. They've done it together before, giddily sailing to Yorknew and scheming how to raise money for Greed Island. It flew by, then—Gon taught Killua about all the different kinds of seabirds, and Killua made up a game where they closed their eyes and tried to see who could stand on one foot the longest until the waves made them stumble.
And after the ceremony, Killua is going on some mission. So all they have is this boat ride, plus an overnight airship trip, plus a few days in a hotel, which they might not spend together. And then the trip back home. And then Gon might not see Killua again for another two years.
Gon's not always good at complicated situations. He wants it to be just his stupid misunderstanding. He doesn't want there to be anything wrong.
-
Killua reemerges when they reach the mainland. He's still weird on the way to the airship station, claiming he's too tired to chat. Like they don't both know that Killua barely needs sleep.
"Do you remember when we did this during the Hunter Exam?"
"What, rode an airship? Yeah, Gon, it was thrilling."
Killua's strides keep lengthening. Gon pushes forward to stay at his side.
"It was my first time on one ever."
"Mm."
It's not the airship he wants to talk about, though. He wants Killua to jump back into the memory with him. It was where Killua told Gon about his family, where they tried to get the ball from Netero, one of the first times they'd teamed up. Where Gon got to see Killua's assassin techniques. It was the heady beginning of their friendship, when Killua came into his life all tangled up with new experiences and the excitement of competition in a way that made Gon obsessed with him.
He just wants Killua to like him again.
They pick up their tickets and get on the ship. Gon keeps sneaking looks at Killua, hoping to catch him looking his way, but he never is.
Things are awkward on the ship, when they drop their stuff off in the plush private room the Hunter Association booked for them. They're awkward when they struggle through a quiet dinner delivered to their cabin, and awkward when Killua disappears to go for a walk, leaving Gon to wander on his own. Eventually he gets worn out and curls up in one of the small bunks to sleep. Killua slips into the room once it's dark, settling into the other bed.
Gon listens to him breathing in the dark.
Why is Killua mad at him? They haven't seen each other for two years, and things were fine then. What could Gon have done to offend Killua when he's been trapped on an island?
They've never had to have this kind of conversation before. Whenever Killua was mad at Gon, he'd just yell at him right away. Gon wishes he would.
"Killua," he says softly.
There's a rustling sound of Killua turning over in bed. "What?"
"Do you miss your sister?"
A measured silence. "Yeah."
"I'm sorry."
"It's not a big deal."
Gon stares at the ceiling, although it's too dark to actually see it. There's a thought that's been chasing its own tail around his head for hours.
"Hey, Killua? You know Leorio and Kurapika?"
"Mm."
"Did you know they liked each other? I mean, that way?"
Killua shifts again. Not seeing his face makes his reactions a mystery. It makes it easier for Gon to say what he wants.
"I kind of thought so."
"Oh. I really didn't know."
A soft exhalation in the still air. "You were paying attention to other stuff."
"Well, I was thinking." He takes a deep breath, opening his eyes wide into the dark. "Why didn't we ever date? Back then?"
The silence stretches so long Gon starts to worry that Killua fell asleep. No movement from Killua's side of the room, not even the sound of his breath.
Finally Killua says, "Why would you say that?" His voice is restrained, the sonic equivalent of the way he is at the beginning of a fight, keeping back his abilities so the other party won't know what they're dealing with.
"Just—we were much closer than Leorio and Kurapika. Did you ever think about it?"
Killua doesn't answer. Gon fidgets, tapping his fingers on the sheets.
"No."
"Me neither. But I was just wondering why not."
Killua shifts again. From his voice, it sounds like he's speaking partially into the pillow. "You have to have feelings for each other, Gon. You can't just want to compete with Leorio and Kurapika."
"I'm not! I'm being serious! We should have gone on a date. At least once."
"Go to sleep, Gon." Killua's voice is almost entirely muffled now.
"Killua—"
"I'm going to sleep. Leave me alone."
The sheets rustle again. Killua turning his back on him.
Gon stares into the darkness. There's more to say, and since Killua won't let him say it, it's bouncing around in the hollow of his chest, keeping him from settling down.
For the past two years, Gon's barely let himself miss Killua. Thinking of him—thinking of anything from his old life—is just too hard. It's only now that he's remembering what it used to be like to be near Killua, someone he's always trusted without question. Someone smart and capable and brave, who always understands what Gon means even when he can't explain himself. Except Killua isn't the same, and Gon misses him more agonizingly now than ever before.
The thing is, he's pretty sure he feels whatever Leorio and Kurapika felt. The more-ness that differentiates this friendship than others. The thing that makes Killua burn like white fire in his memories, brighter than anyone he's ever met. The best Gon's ever felt in his life was when they were together. No one has ever been as important. The only part of it he's never thought about before is kissing Killua, and as soon as he thinks about it at all, it's not even a question.
Of course he wants to kiss Killua. He wants everything with Killua. He wants to be closer in any way possible: talking, laughing, catching Killua's eye and watching him grin as he reads Gon's mind, snoozing back to back in a canyon on Greed Island. He wants to lie next to him on a cliff on Whale Island and talk about their futures. He wants to snake his hand down and thread his fingers through Killua's, press their palms together and feel Killua's pulse through the vein in the swell underneath his thumb. He wants to say Killua's name and watch Killua turn towards him, the connection between them humming to life as their gazes meet. Of course he wants to kiss Killua. Why hasn't he done it before?
He turns to the side, throwing his arm over his head. Whatever. If Killua doesn't want to talk, then Gon doesn't want to talk to him either. He's survived the past few years without Killua, and gone through much worse in his life than a dumb silent treatment, anyway.
His next breath trembles. He's been through worse than this, but not without consequences. Two years of darkness yawn underneath him. Killua doesn't understand what this trip means to him.
It takes him a long time to fall asleep.
-
Gon wakes up to the blare of a klaxon. He lifts his head, scrubbing his hands over his eyes. His head is stuffy and hot. The few hours of sleep he got were restless, full of stress dreams about Killua falling away from him, unable to be saved from the jaws of some giant monster. He wishes his subconscious would get the memo that he's not supposed to fight monsters anymore.
Killua's face swims into his vision now, looking aggravated. Gon's chest spasms at the sight of him, reminding him forcefully that he fell asleep last night thinking about them kissing. He blinks the bleariness out of his eyes.
"What's going on?"
"Emergency landing. Something went wrong with the ship's fuel supply."
"Seriously?"
Killua shrugs. Gon can see that he's getting his things together, getting ready to disembark. He turns his back toward Gon to change clothes, pulling his shirt over his head, and Gon quickly looks away, stomach clenching.
The siren pulses red into his skull. Pieces of the morning are falling together slowly, and he wonders, as he does a thousand times a day, if this would be easier if he still had Nen. Did it make his reflexes faster, his energy level higher, his muscles a little stronger? Or was he just happier back then?
"Can we get another ship?"
Killua shakes his head. "I don't know."
It takes a long time for the airship to lower itself, like a giant bird carefully situating itself atop its nest. By the time it alights, the siren has been turned off, and Killua has slipped away to figure out the situation with their transport. Just because he's the one who still has Nen doesn't mean he's the only one who can figure out an airship schedule. But fine. Whatever.
The big ship groans its way into the dirt. Gon streams out into the hallway with all the other confused, diverted travelers. A bewildered toddler catches his eye over her caregiver's shoulder, and he gives her a big grin and a thumbs up.
As he walks outside, a hand touches his shoulder, and he jumps back, raising his hands out of habit. But it's Killua.
He's wearing a new outfit, a gray tanktop and slouchy white pants, with a set of wooden beaded bracelets clacking against each other on one wrist. He looks so good, Gon can barely look at him. He's noticing things he never has before: the way the angles of Killua's body meet each other, the line from his narrow shoulders up his delicate neck.
"No luck," Killua says. "The next station isn't for a hundred kilometers, and they're not flying to Swaldani anyway. The airship company is providing trucks back to where we started."
"Oh." Gon glances around. They've descended into a big open space, a clearing with scraggly patches of brown grass doing their best to cover the ground. To Gon's left and right is sparse forest. "Well, we're not that far though, right? Can't we just go on foot?"
"It'll be a couple days' walk."
"So? We have time before the ceremony."
Killua looks at him properly then, making Gon's heart stumble, but the expression on his face is unreadable. There's tension in the line of his shoulders and the set of his jaw. He's making up his mind, probably, weighing the options, but it feels like he's weighing Gon.
"I guess we'll have to," he says.
"Come on, we used to travel around together all the time! It'll be fun!"
Killua's face darkens, his eyebrows drawing slightly inward in the slightest expression of distress. It somehow makes him look even prettier. He stares at a spot in the dirt.
"Okay."
He hikes his backpack up on one shoulder, turns, and starts to stalk away. Gon guesses he means for Gon to follow him, but it feels like being abandoned.
He stands there, arms hanging useless at his side, as Killua walks away from him. Something is burning in him. He opens his mouth without fully knowing what he's going to say.
"Hey! Killua! What did I do wrong?"
That stops Killua. He turns, startled, the sunlight catching in his pale hair. Gon glares at him, daring him to try and say he doesn't know what Gon is talking about.
"It's not..." Killua starts. He looks at the ground, then looks at the sky, then exhales. "You didn't. I mean, it's..."
"Just tell me!" Gon crosses his arms over his chest. "You've been acting so weird. It's not fair to punish me for something I don't know I did."
"It's not that!" Killua shoves his hands deep into his pockets, his shoulders hunching up near his ears. "I'm not mad. That's not what I... It's not anything you did, okay? I just..." His big blue eyes dart to the side, still avoidant. A little ember of righteous anger smolders under Gon's breastbone. "I don't want it to be like the old days."
The fire flares up. Gon blinks back the hurt. "What was wrong with the old days?"
"I don't wanna talk about it," Killua mumbles toward the dirt.
"Why did you agree to come with me at all, then?"
Killua's eyes snap upward to meet Gon's with a flash. "Because I didn't want anything bad to happen to you! I thought if I said no you'd go by yourself and do something stupid."
Shame washes over Gon, but he punches it back, beating it down with the ferocity he once reserved for bad guys. Yes, he's weak. No, he can't take care of himself. But he's living with it, and he never asked for Killua's pity or his help. If Killua cares about Gon, he could have visited at least once in two years. He could have called or written. Gon doesn't want to hear that Killua is trying to protect him now, not if it's out of some weird sense of obligation, not if Killua doesn't even like him anymore.
"If I do something stupid, that's not your responsibility. You can go home if you want. I'll go by myself."
Gon stares him down, squaring his shoulders. Killua glares back. Finally he shifts, shrinking a little more into himself. For someone as strong as Killua, he sometimes seems like he could disappear entirely in a patch of dappled sunlight. "I want to go with you, Gon."
"Okay. So stop treating me like I'm annoying you by being here."
Killua swallows. "I'll try."
"Thank you."
This time, when Killua turns, Gon follows after him.
-
They make their way through the forest, moving vaguely north. The shade is much needed once the sun climbs higher, beaming down hot rays that pull sweat down Gon's face.
It doesn't dampen his energy, though. Killua keeps darting glances at him when he thinks Gon isn't looking. Gon catches him once, on purpose, and the flustered look that crosses Killua's face before he looks away feels like a victory. Killua's body language is relaxing inch by inch, but when they step too close to each other he locks up again.
Gon thought he was just pissed off, but seeing the tension in him now that Killua said he wasn't mad, it looks more like nerves. What would Killua have to be nervous about? Gon is the one who's different. And Killua's always been perfect.
Gon asks about his work for the Hunter Association, and this time Killua actually answers.
"Nothing better to do, and they pay well."
"What do you mean, you have nothing better to do?" If Gon still had his Nen, he could think of a hundred million things more fun to do than quietly accept missions. The best Hunters are discoverers—of new animals, ancient ruins, new peoples, new magic, new countries! How can Killua discover anything if he only goes to places the Association already knows about? "What about finding rare artifacts, or fighting bad guys?"
Killua shrugs a shoulder, stepping over a big tree root with captivating grace. "I don't really care about that stuff. I just became a Hunter to piss off my family."
"Huh?? But we used to do all that fun stuff!"
Killua slants a look at him. Gon's breath jumps. What's that about, anyway? He never used to feel this hungry for Killua's attention, but then, he's never had to work for it before. Killua's always been just behind him, ready to do whatever Gon needs. Did he do the same for Killua? He can't remember. He skips over a puddle of mud, drying quickly in the sun.
"Was it fun?" Killua says.
"Yeah, of course!"
"Hm." Killua looks back ahead into the woods.
"And anyway, you can't get stronger if you're not out there on the frontier."
Killua seizes up with a frown. "I didn't ask what you thought about it."
But Gon wants to know what Killua thinks. It wasn't meant to be an insult. It just doesn't make sense, and he wants to understand. Is Killua okay? Gon wouldn't be happy accepting duties from the Asssication. In fact, he would be miserable, like he has been—but he tries not to think about that anymore.
Killua must sense Gon's dissatisfaction, because he aims a kick at a pebble and says, "If I was out running dangerous missions all the time, I wouldn't be able to look after Alluka. Working for the Association is just a way to get money so I can spend most of my time with her. That's my real life. Not being a Hunter."
Gon chews this over, looking away from Killua's beautiful face so he can think more clearly. He can't think of a single person in his life whose company he'd take over being a Hunter.
"Other people can get stronger than me, I don't care. What's the reward for being the strongest, Gon? Like Netero? Bickering with bureaucrats your whole life and then dying in a hole when you finally find someone stronger than you? What's the point?"
"But..." Gon's head is spinning. Does Killua think Netero died for no reason? He saved everyone, Gon wants to say, but he holds back, because that's not even the real reason this doesn't make sense. Gon wants to be strong to protect the people he loves and to do what's right. But Killua's right that if he's not the strongest, someone else will be. There will always be someone else to face the next wave of Ants, or whatever the threat is. But back when he was a real Hunter, Gon needed it to be him. Didn't Killua feel that?
"What, it's too complicated for you?" Killua says it sarcastically, and Gon knows he's being made fun of. But it is too complicated. He wants to sit down.
Netero gave his life to defeat the Ants, and never before has Gon thought that was a tragedy. Surely that's the point—dying in battle, dying for a reason. The thrill of using your whole strength, strategizing and maneuvering and striking, the purest exhilaration, even if in the end you're not good enough. Killua was a better fighter than Gon for so long. Gon never questioned if Killua liked it.
"It's just not what I'd do," Gon mutters finally. He doesn't like Killua sniping at him and he doesn't like sniping at Killua. It feels different from how they used to bicker, and it makes his head hurt.
-
They keep moving, following a burbling little stream out of the forest and into a rocky plain streaked with crevices. They chat occasionally, Killua telling Gon stories about his life and his sister, about Kurapika and Leorio and Knov and Morel and Bisky. He never asks Gon anything about his life, and Gon gets why, although he wishes he didn't. Killua—all of them, Leorio and Kurapika too—knew when Gon came back to Whale Island that his life was basically over, and they all left him to it. What more is there to say? Gon's not mad, really. He doesn't know what to do with himself either.
And what is he going to tell Killua about? That time he found a cool mushroom under a tree? The nauseating shock of ending up with a life you didn't plan to be alive for? The hours and days and weeks he's spent clawing his way back? To feel like it's old times again, Gon has to keep pretending the last two years never happened.
But something has changed. His gaze is drawn to Killua, and he doesn't want to drag it away. Did blood always rush to his head when their hands brushed? It's hard to say—he was always too busy with other things to notice. Now Killua is all he can think about.
"Killua," Gon says carefully. The kick of nerves thrums through his chest. "You know what I was saying last night? About us dating?"
The space between them fills with deliberate silence. Killua's eyes track his feet as he navigates the rocks.
"I was just thinking. We could still try it. Going on a date."
"Mm." Killua looks determinedly away from Gon, turning so that Gon mostly sees his back. Gon can't sense aura anymore, but the temperature between them drops into frostiness.
"What do you think?" Gon presses. He's not going to let Killua sidle away from this one. He wants to do for Killua what he did for Palm once upon a time—make his face light up and make him feel special. He wants to plan a whole day to make Killua happy.
"No thanks," Killua mumbles.
"Why not?"
"Not interested."
"It wouldn't have to be a big deal. I'd plan everything. You would just have to show up, and if you don't like it, I'll never ask again."
"I won't like it, so stop asking."
"How do you know that?"
Killua stops in his tracks, making Gon almost run into him. He turns, and the look on his face could crumble a mountain into dust.
"Gon. Stop talking about it."
"Why?"
"I said stop, okay?" Even though Killua's mad, Gon can't help but notice how beautiful he looks, the way the sun tips his eyelashes with gold. What is wrong with him??
He wants to keep pushing. What could be wrong with one little date? But he just got Killua to talk to him again, so he can back off for now.
"Fine."
"Fine." Killua turns and slams his open palm against a tree. Lightning skips from his fingertips and arcs upward, silencing a large pheasant that had been sitting on a branch. Killua stands motionless, breathing heavily, while the bird hits the ground with a soft thump.
"Dinner," Killua says dully. He drops his hands. Gon watches him, thinking hard.
-
Gon skins the pheasant while Killua builds a fire. They spent a lot of nights outside during their travels, but with the rocky terrain it reminds Gon the most of Greed Island. All those nights with Bisky dropping stuff on their heads until they learned to stay alert. Gon still wakes at the drop of a pin. Now it's just an annoyance.
Killua keeps a careful distance between them. He puts the fire between himself and Gon while they eat, and when they settle down to sleep, he curls up about ten feet away. It's like he's responding to Gon's desire to be close, shying away like a repelled magnet.
"Hey, Killua?" he says when they've stretched out on the rocks, the stars spread out above them like salt spilled across a tablecloth.
"Mm."
"After this, when I go back to Whale Island. Do you think we'll ever see each other again?"
No movement from Killua's patch of rock. Gon falls asleep waiting for him to answer.
-
The next day, the hostile surroundings melt away in patches to reveal little clusters of houses, huddled little towns. They even stop at an inn for breakfast, wolfing down fruit and porridge before moving on. Gon tries to keep the conversation light, but Killua still seems sore about yesterday. Reminiscing about their old adventures just makes him even moodier, so Gon gives up. Killua's not mad at him anymore, at least it doesn't seem like it—he doesn't pull back or get tense when Gon tries to talk to him about this stuff. He just doesn't respond like Gon wants him to. Killua used to be easy to pull into an argument or a competition. Now he just shrugs and sighs, lifeless.
Has Killua changed? Is he sadder, calmer, quieter? Or is he just like this with Gon?
In the years since they've parted, Gon's never had a friend like him. Has Killua found another best friend? Has he dated anyone in the past two years? Does he have someone he likes right now? These questions are too dangerous to ask, so they stir themselves into a froth in Gon's head. Despite the cloudless sky, the atmosphere is gloomy.
Around midday, Gon picks up on a change. Killua starts checking behind them every few minutes with quick glances, and jumps when Gon's boot crunches down on a patch of dried pine needles. Gon isn't surprised when he says, voice low, "We're being watched. Followed, I think."
He squashes a stab of bitterness at the senses he's lost but Killua still has. It's not quite fair, anyway. Gon may be an ineffective Hunter, but he's still a good hunter, with all the instincts that entails. Even without Nen, he can feel the telltale prickle on the back of his neck.
"Is there any reason someone would attack us?"
Killua shakes his head, then pauses. "I don't know. You're pretty famous, maybe you still have enemies. Or I do. Or it's just a couple lowlifes looking to mug some kids."
"Are you sure they mean us harm? Maybe they're just surprised to see us. Probably not too many travelers through here." Killua's eyes narrow. Gon knows what he's thinking: better to assume something's dangerous. He changes tack. "Do you want to go after them?"
"No," Killua decides. "Whether they attack us or we attack them, it'll be the same. Let's just keep going. Maybe we'll get to another town and lose them."
"Sure."
Gon keeps walking, a little sputter of sparks igniting in his veins. It's been so long since he's been in anything approaching danger. His thoughts start to move faster, his spine straightening, breath quickening. You can't fight, he tells himself firmly. But maybe he can, if whoever's tracking them isn't a Nen user. Maybe it's just ordinary thieves? Gon hasn't fought in years, but his body is still quick and powerful. His muscles itch with impatience.
"Killua," he whispers. "Should we come up with a plan?"
Killua scans the sides of the path. "Nah. The plan is just—Gon, stay back!"
Gon's body responds before his brain fully hears, jumping back just as a huge mass roars past him. When it lands he can see it's a large tiger, at least twice the size of any he's seen before, its haunches raised and huge teeth glistening in its snarling mouth. Something is off about it—a shimmering at the edges, or the way its paws don't seem to bear its full weight.
"Made of Nen," Killua gets out before he sprints forward, punching the tiger in the nose with a crackle of lightning. The big cat falls back with a growl, eyeing Killua warily. Killua does something Gon's never seen—electrifies himself or something—surrounding himself with white lightning, his hair standing on end.
Another shape stalks out from the trees, a large man in shabby clothes and a big wiry mustache, muscles bulging. "Are you Killua Zoldyck?"
Killua snorts. "Guess so."
The man grins. "I heard bringing you in would get me in good with the Zoldyck family."
"Don't you think if they wanted me, they'd come get me themselves?"
"Maybe. But they're up on a mountain, and you're right here, so I think I'll try it myself."
The tiger lunges from behind just as the man leaps forward. Killua kicks him in the stomach and twists in the air, catching the tiger with his yo-yo. In an instant he's back on the man again, knees on his shoulders and punching him hard in the face. He moves so fast Gon can barely track him, an arcing ball of light.
The man has no chance, Nen tiger or no. Killua is faster, stronger, and more experienced. But he has just enough tricks to draw the fight out, keeping Killua from defeating him outright.
Gon's hands clench and unclench at his sides. There's adrenaline coursing through him, pressure building inside his ribcage and behind his eyes, making his vision unsteady. This is it, a snapshot of what the last two years have been like: forced into a constrained, compressed version of his life, pretending to be okay with sitting out.
Killua spins and lashes out, his movements fluid and feline. He drives an elbow into the tiger's windpipe, zaps lightning into the man's sternum, blocks a kick and ducks around it to land another blow.
Something cuts through the buzzing in Gon's head. Killua keeps dropping his arm too low on his left side, creating an opening. Gon watches it, senses heightened, and watches the man notice it, and then he's lunging forward, shrieking "Killua!"
His body connects with Killua's, shoving him out of the way, and then there's a dull impact against his side and he's flying.
"Gon, what the hell! Just let me handle it, idiot!"
Gon hits the ground, rolling over once before immediately pushing himself back up to his feet. The left side of his body doesn't seem to come all the way up with him—it's crumpled somehow, and he doubles over, clutching at it. "You weren't handling it," he yells anyway, defiant.
More rough scuffling noises, and then the sound of a body dropping to the ground, too big of a thwump to be Killua's. Gon tries to look at the damage, but his vision is clouded by black spots. He lets himself fall to his knees, and then regrets it when it jolts the crushed part of his side.
"Gon!" Killua's voice comes from yards away, but he's at Gon's side within an instant. He's not electrified anymore, and his face is even paler than usual, a big swipe of dust across one cheek. "Dumbass, why did you do that? You can't even do Ten, a single blow could have killed you!"
"He would have hit you," Gon says. "You left an opening." The pain reaches a crescendo, and he closes his eyes until he can take in visual information again.
Killua looks like he's about to explode. "I meant to! Do you think I couldn't handle that oaf? I was just trying to get him in closer so I could finish it! I told you to stay back!"
Gon opens his mouth to speak, but breathing in causes a shock of pain that silences him. He closes his mouth and punches the ground in frustration, barely even disturbing the dirt with his weak, auraless fists. He tries to speak again, but this time he chokes as his throat restricts. Hot tears slide down his face, splashing into the dirt.
"Gon." Killua's voice is thin, his eyes wild. He's terrified. Gon's bruised heart squeezes tight—it's the most care Killua's shown for him yet. "Okay, it's okay, we'll fix this—"
"It's not that," Gon chokes out. He wipes his arm across his eyes furiously, blinking hard. "It's just a cracked rib, I've cracked ribs before, I don't care about that."
"Well, it's different now! You won't recover as quickly—"
"Stop saying that! I don't care about getting hurt. I wanted to fight."
Killua sits back on his heels, his expression lost. He looks younger, more like the Killua that Gon remembers. He speaks in a changed voice, softer. "Sorry, Gon. It must be hard."
"Shut up." Gon squeezes his eyes shut, and more stupid tears push their way out. "Shut up! Don't try to make me feel better! Why didn't you ever visit me?"
"What?"
"If you care then why didn't you visit me? Why didn't you ever answer the phone?" Gon doesn't want to be saying this, because he doesn't want Killua to pull back again. But it's spilling out of him like the tears did. "If you cared you would have been there! So don't pretend like you care if I get hurt now!"
Killua's eyes are wide, lips parted in shock. Gon watches him think, decide to speak, and then stop himself, struggling for words. Maybe Killua's silence in answer to all Gon's questions wasn't just poutiness, but difficulty finding what to say.
"I wanted to visit," he says finally. The skin between his eyebrows creases. "But it wouldn't have been good for me."
"Oh, and you think it was good for me? You think I liked spending all that time by myself?" Gon breaks off, panting, his breath too shallow to support yelling. He is bubbling over with anger at his useless ribcage.
"That's not what I mean!" Killua digs his fingertips into his knees, leaving dusty prints on his white pants.
"What do you mean, then?"
Killua makes a frustrated noise in the back of his throat. He runs a hand through his hair, already messed up from the fight, so it looks like a goosedown pillow erupted.
"Don't," Gon says. "Don't get mad. Because you keep getting mad at me when all I'm doing is trying to talk to you! You're supposed to be my best friend! I want to be with you—I want to be with you, like I asked you about—and you won't even talk to me. You won't even look at me!"
Killua draws back like he's been slapped. His eyes cloud over, and his face shuts down. He looks—Gon reaches back for his memories of Killua's reactions—badly shaken.
When he speaks, his voice is barely above a whisper.
"I didn't think you were serious."
"About what? Wanting to date you?"
"Yeah."
Gon wants to shake him. He would, if he could lift his arms that high without disturbing his fracture.
"Why would I say that if I wasn't serious!"
Killua swallows, his eyes meeting Gon's, steady and serious. "Don't. Don't joke. You really want to go on a date?"
"Yes," Gon says, "yes, I really like you but you're being a big jerk to me!" He was angling for an apology, and he hasn't heard one yet, and Killua is getting really distracted.
Killua jumps to his feet. "So you like me?"
"Yes!"
"So why didn't you say that years ago!" Killua is going the opposite way of apologizing. He's getting mad again, his shoulders hunching up and his hands clenching into fists.
"I told you I didn't think about it until now!"
"Well, then, you're stupid," Killua spits. He crosses his arms over his chest and glares down at Gon.
"That's not fair! You said you hadn't thought of it either."
"I lied. I thought about it a lot. You just couldn't see it, or didn't want to, so I left, so I don't want to go out with you now. You might think our friendship was fun, but it wasn't fun for me, it sucked."
The ground tilts under him. Gon catches himself on his hands.
Killua liked him? Gon casts his mind back, half expecting to suddenly remember signals—a glance or a touch—that will explain everything. But his memories stay stubbornly the same.
"How was I supposed to know about that? You never told me."
"You didn't pay any attention." Killua breathes in through his nose, rubbing his forehead with his fingers. "This is stupid! I can't talk to you about this right now. We need to get out of here."
"Okay," Gon says. He starts to rise to his feet, ignoring a starburst of pain, but Killua's hand on his shoulder pushes him back down.
"Gon! I didn't mean to get up. Sit down, you're just going to make it worse."
"It's fine, a cracked rib heals on its own."
"Not if you're walking around all day, idiot. I'm just going to do what we should have done all along and call the Association. They can send a private ship." He pulls out a cellphone—not the beetle-shaped one Gon remembers from that market in Yorknew—and steps away to make the call.
Gon watches him talk, not listening to the words. He can deal with pain, but it's a red haze in his mind, limiting what else he can pay attention to. With all the color drained out of his face, Killua looks tired, much more so than a ten-minute fight would cause. His fingers drum nervously on his thigh.
After a few minutes, Killua shuts the phone and turns back to Gon.
"Are they sending an airship?"
"No, they're sending a guy who can teleport. Should be like twenty minutes. Practically every Hunter is already in the city, and everyone loves you. I can't believe I didn't think to call earlier."
Gon thinks back to when they decided to go by foot. Killua had that awful look on his face, like he couldn't think of anything worse than walking with Gon for a couple days. But he could have said no. He didn't have to come in the first place, no matter what he says about not trusting Gon to get there safely on his own. He keeps saying he doesn't want to see Gon or talk to him, but he's here, and Gon saw the look on his face when Gon got hurt. It seems unlikely that Killua, who works for the Hunter Association, would have forgotten that they could arrange transport.
"Okay." He sits back in the dirt, gingerly crossing his legs in front of him, trying not to jar his torso too much. Killua hovers for a minute, awkwardly silent, before perching on a nearby rock.
Gon closes his eyes. The adrenaline is ebbing, leaving a wave of exhaustion in its wake. The pain in his side is an insistent throb, a blaring alarm telling him information he already knows. He suddenly misses Mito, more than he ever did back in the day. Back then, with Killua, he never felt lonely.
"Gon," Killua says in a low voice. When Gon looks at him, he has his arms around his knees, staring at the ground. "Do you really want to be together? How would that even work? We have completely separate lives now."
Gon's entire body aches. Thinking about this makes him too sad. "You said you don't want to, so why are you even asking?"
They don't speak again.