Chapter Text
It was never supposed to end up like this, Lou thinks, blaming the tears in her eyes on the hazy smoke in her room. It’s the end of summer, and Debbie’s been gone maybe a month (it’s been three weeks and five days since her prison sentence started and even longer since she walked out on Lou, but really, who’s counting) and it’s entirely too hot and Lou can’t sleep. Lou flops onto her back, taking another hit of her blunt and feeling about as cliché as possible with Sarah McLachlan’s tortured soprano filling the air.
The sharp vibrations of her phone on her nightstand makes her jump. Sliding her thumb across the screen of her new iPhone (an impulse purchase the day she decided that she was done sending Debbie’s calls to voicemail), she clears her throat before she speaks.
“Hey,” she says. She sits up, scratching the back of her neck. “It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”
“Yeah, it has.” Tammy’s voice is hesitant through the tinny speaker. “Hey, Lou, I hope you’re good--or okay, I guess. Um, are you busy? I was calling because I kind of just stole a case of beer and a bunch of candy from the 7-11 by my office because… well, it doesn’t really matter why, but I guess I’d really like someone to share it with. So. Anyways. I’m kinda hoping you’re free tonight. If that’s okay.”
A moment passes and Lou can faintly hear Tammy’s fingers tapping out a nervous rhythm against the steering wheel of her SUV. Tammy has always been a good friend, always there for Lou but a little bit too far away because Debbie has always been between them, sucking in every breath of air in the room until all eyes are resting on her. Although Debbie is incredibly skilled at going unnoticed in a crowd, she hogs the spaces she shares with the people she knows and Lou has followed Debbie’s moves ever since the day they met. But Tammy never relented, never fully conceded to Debbie Ocean’s magnetic pull, keeping her in check with a sharp tongue and a dry sense of humor. It’s been a while since Lou has had something to think about other than Debbie, and the promise of sweets is as appealing as spending time with a friend, someone who knows her and Deb and almost everything that happened between them.
“I’d like that too,” Lou says finally. “Your place or mine?”
Tammy exhales. “Is yours okay?”
“Sure is.”
“Good. I’ll see you then. Soon. Bye. And Lou?”
“Yeah?”
“We’re gonna be okay.”
Tammy hangs up and Lou lets her phone drop onto her pillow, staring at the wreck she has created in her room. She swallows thickly and throws her sheets to the end of her bed. By the time Tammy arrives, Lou has straightened up the apartment. Empty liquor bottles are stacked in the recycling bin and Debbie’s clothes are shoved into boxes at the back of the closet. When Lou answers the door, she’s even managed to put on a shirt and find a clean pair of boxers. It takes Tammy one look at Lou’s smeared eyeliner and bloodshot eyes to drop the bags in her hands and wrap her friend in her arms. Lou crumbles into the embrace, her body shaking with renewed sobs.
“I know,” Tammy soothes her. “I know, hon.”
Eventually, they move away from the doorway. Lou dries her eyes and Tammy kicks off her shoes, snapping on a pair of rubber gloves to wash the dishes in Lou’s sink, handing Lou a towel and telling her to dry. Tammy’s quiet, dryly funny recap of her day as a temp in a law firm distracts Lou, easing laughs from her tired lungs.
They take a bag full of clothes that smell like booze and sweat down to the laundromat and sit silently on top of the thrumming machines with their fingers entwined. When Lou’s clothes are warm and smell like lavender sunshine or whatever Tammy bought when she couldn’t find any detergent in the apartment, they go back to Lou’s place and talk for hours. Lou rests her head in Tammy’s lap until she has no tears left to cry, her cheeks sticky with salt and Tammy brushing aside her bangs to press cool fingers to her forehead and rubbing gentle circles on her back.
It’s past midnight when Tammy, her blazer long since exchanged for one of Lou’s soft shirts, fumbles around on the floor for her purse, digging out her phone to text Hunter. (Hunter is a rich, successful software engineer, and he’s the man who Tammy’s parents would like her to marry. He doesn’t seem to mind that Tammy isn’t a very attentive girlfriend, but they’ve been living together for about eight months and he’s at least nice enough to worry if she doesn't make it home.)
Lou takes the phone out of Tammy’s half-asleep hand and charges it, readying Tammy’s things for the morning. She smoothes out Tammy’s hair and curls up behind her, pulling a thin cotton blanket over the two of them. Tammy snuggles back against her and Lou buries her face into the crook between Tammy’s neck and shoulder, craving closeness even as the intimacy sends a shiver down her spine, her nerves raw and tender after so many weeks alone.
They’d had sex before, but that had been over fifteen years ago when Debbie had left Lou to babysit Tammy in her dorm room, making sure some transactions finalized on Tammy’s hefty CPU while Debbie worked a mark on the other side of town. Lou had taken one look at Tammy’s preppy exterior and laid on the charm, wanting to see what would make her crack. Tammy gave as good as she got, unperturbed by Lou’s age and leather and grunge. They had gone at it hard and fast, Lou’s fingers inside Tammy and the bed frame creaking with each thrust as the girl in the room next door banged on the wall for them to stop.
But this feels different, somehow. Back then, Debbie had dragged Lou away, her voice high and tight when she yelled at her in the car. Now, there is nothing pulling Lou and Tammy apart.
Now, Tammy threads her fingers through Lou’s and squeezes tight.
***
Their night of drinking and talking leads to Tammy breezing into Lou’s apartment at eight in the morning on a Saturday with bags from an organic market and a bouquet of sunflowers for Lou. Although Lou would otherwise abhor the early hour and the bright sunlight, Tammy’s presence is warm and welcome like a long overdue hug. They’ve spent the past several weeks texting and talking and each notification makes Lou’s heart jump, Tammy’s irreverent jokes stirring something inside her the same way that the curtains flutter around the window Tammy has thrown open.
Lou tries to quiet her inner poet and she sips her coffee instead, leaning against the doorframe. Tammy is bustling around the small kitchen, cabinets clattering and bacon sizzling in her wake as she begins mixing up pancake batter.
“Can I help?” Lou offers, resting her mug on the counter. The habit of doing everything herself is hard to break, but it’s even harder to remember what needs to be done when it’s been way longer than three weeks and five days since she made food for anyone including herself, instead relying on Chinese takeout and a well-stocked bodega for her meals.
“No, I’ve got it,” Tammy insists, pushing past her to put the milk back in the fridge. “Relax, Lou.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. Now get out of my way and stay there,” Tammy says, swatting Lou’s hand away from the bag of chocolate chips on the counter. She pushes Lou into the corner between the stove and the sink, holding her there with a hand against Lou’s sternum as she pours beaten eggs into a skillet with the other.
Lou’s mouth hangs open for a moment before she tugs on Tammy’s belt loop and Tammy turns to face her. Lou studies her face for a moment with a serious expression, her bottom lip held between her teeth and brows knit together, her hand steadying Tammy’s waist. Tammy is smiling a little, pleasantly pink in the face.
“You’re adorable,” Lou says, breaking into a grin and kissing Tammy’s nose. “I like it when you try to act bossy.”
Tammy makes a soft sound in the back of her throat and Lou thinks she’s going to brush it off, but then Tammy’s hands press Lou’s hips against the counter and she kisses her, finding Lou’s mouth warm and wanting, a sweet hint of toothpaste on her tongue beneath the taste of coffee. Lou moans a little as Tammy tugs her lower lip between her teeth. Lou runs a hand up Tammy’s side, her fingers halting just below the curve of Tammy’s breast, and she deepens their kiss. Tammy arches into her touch and Lou widens her stance, making room for Tammy to settle between her legs. Her long fingers reach up for Tammy’s braid and she tugs, exposing the smooth skin of Tammy’s neck. She bites the exposed flesh gently, teeth scraping along a tendon. Tammy whimpers at the faint pain and presses against Lou’s center.
“You like that, huh,” Lou murmurs, her breath hot on Tammy’s ear. “Good to know.”
Tammy is too distracted by Lou’s tongue to respond and they’re both too distracted to care that the eggs are nearly burnt by the time Tammy remembers to try and scramble them, tugging her shirt down from where it has bunched up above the cup of her bra. Carefully studying the pan in front of her, she tells Lou, “Behave.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Lou replies.
A smile tugs on Tammy’s lips and she looks up again. Her gaze flicks over Lou for a moment before she says, “You’re so… I don’t know.”
“What? Irresistible?”
Tammy shakes her head. “Sweet.”
“Sometimes.” Lou lifts a shoulder in a half-shrug, reaching for her mug again.
“Deb liked your hard edges because she always wanted to be the bad girl,” Tammy says matter-of-factly, poking at the now-browning eggs.
Lou’s stomach drops and she downs the rest of her coffee.
“But that’s neither here nor there,” Tammy continues. “It really doesn’t matter now. I like you a lot like this--I like your gooey insides and I like you being the perfect gentleman.”
Tammy tucks her hair behind her ear, not meeting Lou’s eyes, and Lou melts, slipping behind Tammy to wrap her arms around Tammy’s waist.
“Stop being cute and let me cook,” Tammy protests quietly, no real resistance in her voice.
“I like your honesty and your humor,” Lou says, resting her chin on Tammy’s shoulder. “And the way your ass looks in these jeans.”
Tammy pulls away enough to give Lou an unamused look, but a smile creeps back onto her face after a moment. She wrinkles her nose at Lou. “Flirt.”
“Tease,” Lou retorts, tracing the line of soft skin that has appeared above Tammy’s waistband as her top twists under Lou’s arms.
“I’m the tease?”
“You’re the one keeping breakfast waiting...”
“Keep your hands to yourself for five minutes and you might get a pancake out of it.”
“As the lady wishes,” Lou laughs, hopping up on the counter to wait.
They do eat breakfast eventually, after Lou steals more kisses from Tammy when she’s opening the silverware drawer. They eat on the couch with Tammy’s legs in Lou’s lap and it feels familiar, so tender and easy. The morning light softens the blonde of Tammy’s hair, making her look positively angelic, and Lou props her head up on her hand to bask in Tammy’s radiance.
“I like this a lot,” Lou says, finishing off a bite of toast.
“Me too,” Tammy admits. She reaches over to wipe a smear of jam from Lou’s chin and her fingers linger on Lou’s jaw. Lou smiles beatifically and holds onto Tammy’s hand, kissing her palm.
“We should do this more often,” Lou says, pausing between each word to leave a feather-light kiss on each of Tammy’s fingertips.
Tammy puts her plate on the floor and takes Lou’s away, too, so she can kiss Lou sweetly, placing a steadying hand on the back of her neck. Lou sighs contentedly and Tammy smiles against her mouth, relishing in the warmth of Lou’s skin under her fingers. Lou’s hand wanders down to the curve of Tammy’s ass and squeezes, pulling her closer into her lap. Tammy’s eyes flutter shut as she deepens their kiss, getting lost in the sensation of Lou’s hands on her skin.
“I agree,” Tammy says sometime later, her forehead pressed against Lou’s, her breath quick and unsteady as she comes on Lou’s fingers, “We should definitely do this more often.”
***
They do “this” more often, per Tammy's request and their mutual desire, both I-T-it and other things, finding themselves in each another’s orbit more and more as fall descends upon New York. The morning air is crisp and bright when Lou walks Tammy to work in the mornings, holding a cup of coffee in one hand and Tammy’s mitten-clad hand in the other. Lou tucks Tammy’s scarf a little more snugly into the neck of her coat and kisses her cheek outside the subway station before waving and heading home again.
The golds and reds of the trees blaze in the sunlight on the day that Tammy drives Lou to a pumpkin patch near her parents’ house in the Jersey suburbs and brings her home for dinner. Lou charms Tammy’s parents, although they never quite grasp how or why Tammy knows her. They drink hard cider on the back porch, fitted together, Lou’s arm over Tammy’s shoulders, watching leaves fall onto the lake.
The first snowfall floats down on the city in mid-December and Tammy is excited about Christmas in a way that Lou has never seen anyone excited about anything before. (Tammy is supposed to go to Hunter’s family’s house in the Hamptons for New Year’s, but until then, she is all Lou’s.) Lou is a sucker for anything that will make Tammy’s eyes light up, which leads to all sorts of mischief, like pickpocketing overcrowded tourists skating at Rockefeller Center and giving outlandish gift suggestions to shoppers in Times Square. It’s been a long time since Lou has spent Christmas without Debbie, and she relishes in making new traditions.
One afternoon, they venture out for a Christmas tree, passing a flask of whiskey back and forth as they wander through the rows of fir and pine. Despite the chill in the air, Lou’s tongue is warm in Tammy’s mouth when she pulls her behind a hot chocolate stand. When they return home with the tree, Lou moves a sprig of mistletoe around the apartment, kissing Tammy in the doorway, then against the kitchen sink as she is placing a candle in the windowsill, and then under the hot stream of the shower before they go to bed.
The next day, they decorate Lou’s tiny apartment in full holiday cheer, draping multi-colored lights and tinsel on the tree as they work to the Jackson Five Christmas Album on vinyl. Cookies are baking in the oven, filling the apartment with the smells of sugar, butter, and cinnamon when Tammy shows Lou that her panties are printed with mistletoe. For tradition’s sake, Lou obliges, sweetly kissing Tammy over her underwear until her hips are bucking off the bed and she is pressing Lou’s face closer into her cunt, begging for release.