'Home' and 'Hope' both start with the letter 'H' but mine starts with you

by tdystmr

Summary:

And Jinyoung will always be the one he ends up coming back to, will always be a safehouse for him to seek refuge and dry his tears. Because for years and years, he's always known it and will continue to even when they're old and grey.

Jinyoung is his hope, his love, his everything - Jinyoung is his home.

JINYOUNG, 10:57 AM

 

“Jinyoungie!” someone yells from behind him, loud and clear. He hunches his shoulders and squeezes his eyes shut in embarrassment, sighing as he awaits the inevitable. The footsteps get louder and soon, a bulky body crashes into his back and nearly topples him over. It’s followed by a loud laugh that he would recognise any day.

“Sseun-ah, do you have to shout so loud? Literally everyone can hear you," Jinyoung hisses, glancing around at the students who have turned and are looking at them with curious and amused eyes now. Jackson only swats him away, dragging him down the left hallway to the school's canteen. They've agreed to meet the rest of their friend group there to plan for the Christmas party they were going to hold at Jinyoung and Jackson's apartment.

Technically, the party was tonight . And if they were responsible, mature adults they would have done the planning at least a week ago. But that's a huge ‘if' when it comes to their group, especially when it comes to a certain Jackson Wang who had impulsively suggested the idea at midnight yesterday. Then it had been a good two-hour debate on where the party should be held and where they should meet to plan before Jaebeom had sent ( Read: threatened ) them all off to bed. They were, frankly, quite a mess when it came to planning group events. But Jinyoung loves his friends nonetheless.

“So, are you excited?” Jackson asks, linking his arms with Jinyoung’s as they stroll down the hallway. It isn’t about the party - it can’t possibly be, since the party didn’t exist till just yesterday. But Jinyoung doesn’t have to ask about what, because he’s been waiting for this day for a whole week now. He bites his lip and nods, cheeks flushing.

“Aw, you’re so shy,” Jackson coos and pinches his cheek, Jinyoung laughing and batting his hand away. Their legs carry them to their usual table, where their friends are already seated and talking. Jinyoung places himself in the middle of Youngjae and Yugyeom while Jackson takes his reserved seat next to Mark. As soon as Jinyoung’s ass touches the plastic chair, Yugyeom turns to him and asks one of the dumbest questions he’s ever heard.

“Jinyoung hyung, if I bought the Mona Lisa painting legally , do you think I could burn it? Because Bambam says I can’t but technically it is my property because I bought it, right?” The younger asks, genuinely curious.

“Why the fuck is this a topic?” Jinyoung blurts out. Yugyeom blinks at him like he doesn’t know himself and Jinyoung can’t believe he’s friends with such an idiot.

“But I make sense, don’t I? Like, it’s the Mona Lisa. It’s sacred ,” Bambam speaks up.

“You’re kidding me, right? Why does it even matter? You’re never gonna buy the goddamn Mona Lisa . Why would you even want to burn it?” Jinyoung asks, frowning. The two shrug, shooting Jinyoung innocent looks.

“Just let them be. They’ve been on this topic for about half an hour now,” Mark tells him without looking up from the game on his phone. Jinyoung peers over and notices he’s playing with Youngjae, both of their fingers darting over the screen as they press buttons at lightning speed.

“Jae-ah! Cover my back, cover my back!” Mark exclaims, eyes growing wide with alarm as some sword sound effects play loudly. Youngjae yelps next to him and chews on his bottom lip, the most concentrated Jinyoung has ever seen him. Jackson is pouting next to Mark, chin resting on his boyfriend’s shoulder as he watches Mark play. He knows better than to disturb the older though.

( Two years ago, when they’d just started dating and Jackson didn’t know about Mark’s temper yet, he’d unplugged Mark’s keyboard mid-game of Overwatch and caused the older a match. It had resulted in a huge argument and a whole week of ignoring each other and tears. In the end, their friends had locked them up in Jaebeom’s home studio for them to sort things out. It may or may not have ended up in them messily making out and Jaebeom banning them from his studio forever. But both of them have learnt their lesson and now Jackson just sits and waits, knowing if Mark wins it’ll be good for both of them in the end. )

“Jackson, wanna go get food?” Jinyoung asks, partly because he’s hungry and partly because he feels bad for his best friend. The Hong Kong native nods quickly, grabbing his wallet and walking to the other side to link pinkies with Jinyoung. It makes Jinyoung laugh, how childlike Jackson is and how he wears his heart on his sleeve for the whole world to see.

They make their way to the many stores in the canteen, the food ranging from classic Korean food to Western cuisine like burgers and fries to delicacies from Bambam’s hometown, Thailand. They don’t go to one of the best universities in Korea for nothing. Sungkyunkwan University’s canteen is usually bustling with students who grab a quick lunch before their next class, except that it’s Christmas week and the end of end-of-years so all students have been granted a one week break. Most students have taken the chance to either stay in the student apartments all day or go to their hometowns to visit, hence the unusually quiet and empty canteen.

Jinyoung, Yugyeom and Youngjae had spent the weekends at their respective homes while the Mark and Jackson had spent the time babysitting Coco and doing whatever they pleased. Bambam had gone all the way to Jeju with his fellow Thai friends, while Jaebeom had left way before on Monday for his week-long stay back home. His mother had recently suffered an injury and Jaebeom had requested for emergency leave and would only be back today . Which explains why Jinyoung had happily woken up at seven on Christmas Eve, even if he didn’t have any classes.  

“Jaebeom hyung knows what time dinner starts, right?” Jackson asks, knowing how long Jinyoung has been waiting for this day since Jaebeom left. The two have just started dating a month ago, after years and years ( Ten, to be exact ) of pining and living in denial. It was their friends who finally had enough and gotten the two to finally get their asses together, even though they were already acting like a couple way before.

But Jackson’s been in Jinyoung’s place before. He knows how scary yet exciting the first few months can be, so he’s been as supportive as possible. He knows they’ve only kissed once - when they’d confessed and it was just a quick peck, according to Jinyoung.

And Jinyoung and Jaebeom are different in the way Mark and Jackson are - both of them are more level-headed and careful around each other whereas Jackson’s overflowing energy overrides any common sense and decency Mark used to have. Hence, Jackson can’t really find it in himself to blame any of them for not doing anything more, even though he’s heard from Jinyoung on multiple occasions how much he wants to do more.

( And once or twice, when Jackson manages to get him before Jinyoung does, a very drunk Jaebeom. He doesn’t think of those times though - he would love to forget the image of Jaebeom squeezing Jinyoung’s imaginary ‘peach’ in the bar at two a.m, thank you very much. )

“He knows, I told him over the phone yesterday,” Jinyoung replies, not looking at Jackson and focusing on the menu in front of him instead. Jackson immediately knows he’s trying not to think about Jaebeom too much. One - they’ve been to the Ramyeon store tons of times and the menu hasn’t changed one bit in the years they’ve been here. Two - Jinyoung rarely ever talks to Jackson without looking him in the eye, unless they’re whispering to each other some gossip they’ve picked up on. Three - they’re best friends, goddamnit. Jackson just knows.

He chooses not to point it out though, since it would probably make Jinyoung feel worse. So he wraps an arm around Jinyoung’s shoulders and rests his chin there - a silent way of comforting his best friend. And Jinyoung gets the message, leaning his head back and reaching up to pinch Jackson’s cheek in thanks. Jackson does what he does best then - he lightens the mood with a joke.

"You guys called even after he told us to go to bed? What favouritism is this? I demand to lodge a complaint about bad parenting," Jackson is rewarded by Jinyoung's laughter and he grins in satisfaction.

“I still have no idea why we’re the parents. Didn’t you and Mark hyung get together way before we did?” Jinyoung points out.

“Yeah but you and Jaebeom hyung are like...soulmates. You guys basically grew up together. Plus, you act like parents all the time,” Jackson replies while Jinyoung orders and pays for both of them. Jackson is about to protest but Jinyoung shuts him up with a finger.

“See? Mother material,” Jackson teases and Jinyoung chuckles, a little shy at the prospect of having a family with Jaebeom.

"Alright, alright. Then won't you be a good son and get the utensils?" Jinyoung asks as the lady behind the counter pours steaming hot soup into both their bowls. Jackson nods and grabs two pairs of chopsticks and spoons for both of them, settling them on the tray. He also grabs a sesame seed shaker and chilli oil in case Jinyoung feels like adding some to his ramyeon later on. Jinyoung carefully settles the two bowls on the tray and they walk off after thanking the lady, who smiles and bids them a merry Christmas as they leave.

When they near the table, Mark and Youngjae have finished up their game and are talking with Yugyeom and Bambam. Jinyoung hopes they aren’t still stuck on that Mona Lisa topic. They’re loud enough to be heard two rows down and honestly, Jinyoung isn’t surprised to hear what they’re talking about.

"Yeah, but in my opinion, ” Bambam raises his voice to speak over Yugyeom, who glares at him. “Black Panther is the most eligible. Like the guy’s a king . What’s better than a king?”

"A God, that's why I pick Thor. He's like smart, hot and rich," Yugyeom folds his arms and looks triumph like he's won whatever stupid debate is going on.

“I’m with Yugyeommie. If I didn’t love Jackson so much, I’d be a sucker for Thor,” Mark declares and Jackson looks horrified next to Jinyoung.

“Markie! What is this betrayal?” Jackson asks and four heads snap to them. Jinyoung carefully sets the tray on the table and sits down, sighing as the appetising smell of ramyeon hits his nose. Jackson barely has his ass on the chair before he’s turning to Mark with his signature pout on his lips.

“I was kidding, Jacks. You know I love you and only you,” Mark pecks Jackson’s cheek and the younger grins, the rest of the table cringing and looking away. Yugyeom and Bambam are the loudest, going ‘Ew!’ and immediately mimicking them.

Jinyoung feels lonely then, getting reminded of how Jaebeom’s eyes would naturally travel to his in moments like these, how his own would do the exact same. And in those moments they’d end up sharing a smile, lips tucked together but curved up shyly. In those times, it felt like a promise of their own - that one day they’d eventually get to where Mark and Jackson were. Or maybe even more, in their own little way.

And he misses Jaebeom again, so fucking much . But he doesn’t dwell on it, not right now. Not when he’s with his friends and the atmosphere is so good and fun; not when it’s just a few more hours to go. You’ve gone a whole six days, a few more hours isn’t anything. There’s no point in feeling sad when hyung’s coming back soon, anyway, Jinyoung tells himself. He forces himself to pick up his chopsticks and shoves noodles into his mouth, the delicious taste and warmth of the food comforting him.

He spends a few minutes just eating and listening, trying not to think about anything else other than the conversation going on in front of him. It’s still the same topic, about who’s the most eligible avenger to marry and why. Jinyoung has no idea why six men in their twenties are talking about this, much less in a university’s canteen, but the conversation is fun and he joins in, anyway.

"I stand by my choice! T'Challa forever!" Bambam announces, doing the same Wakanda Forever sign across his chest. Youngjae wrinkles his nose next to Jinyoung, though he doesn't disagree.

“I think I’ll stick to Thor. What about you, Mark hyung? You gonna stick to Thor or?” Yugyeom asks. Mark hums and then casts a look to Jackson, who looks up and grins innocently at him.

“No, I’m not choosing any,” Mark replies. Jackson grins and nods, a way to say his answer was the same. The rest of the table doesn’t seem very surprised and Yugyeom moves on to his next target.

“Youngjae hyung?”

"Iron Man. He's rich, smart and has lots of cool techs," Youngjae, ever the Electrical and Computer Engineering major he is. Yugyeom seems fairly satisfied by the reasoning, although Jinyoung is pretty sure the younger would find a reason why Thor would be a better choice sooner or later.

“Jinyoung hyung?” Yugyeom asks, all of them turning to him.

"None. And aren't we here to discuss the party? Let's get to that, then we can spend the rest of the time talking about your favourite superheroes," Jinyoung claps twice like he's a teacher leading a group of kindergarteners. And he thinks that isn't too far from the truth since most of his friends have the mindset of a six-year-old.

Bambam grumbles something about him being too strict and ‘no fun’, but he lets the topic change, anyway.

"So, who's in charge of what? There are decorations to hang up, food to buy and prepare and then that log cake and desserts to buy," Jinyoung lists. Mark perks up at the mention of the cake and raises his hand, volunteering himself for the task. They let him, mostly because he's the oldest and he does have a good taste when it comes to desserts.

“Who’s gonna go with Mark hyung? Not you, Sseun. You two are just gonna end up making out and forgetting about the desserts,” Jinyoung says, Youngjae and Yugyeom snickering next to him while Bambam straight out laughs in Jackson’s face. Said man only shrugs, since he can’t really say it hasn’t happened before. At least Mark has the decency to look a little embarrassed.

“I’ll go. One of my friends, y’know Lisa, works at this bakery that sells really good cakes and stuff. I could get us a discount,” Bambam offers.

“Then decorating?” Jackson’s hand shoots up, waving it a little to get Jinyoung’s attention. “Yugyeommie! Help me! I need your height to hang up the lights,” Jackson says.

“Then what are you gonna do, hyung? You’ll push all the work to me!” Yugyeom accuses, pointing a finger at Jackson. The older gasps and puts his hands to his chest in fake hurt.

"Yugyeom and Jackson for decorating it is. Then Jae and I will go shopping for groceries, okay?" Jinyoung turns to Youngjae, who grins and high-fives him.

“No fair! We all know Youngjae’s your favourite child,” Bambam whines, Yugyeom and Jackson nodding along as the three of them shoot him fake glares.

"I love all of you equally. Now get going, be back to our apartment by three so we can all start preparing dinner. I'll just buy whatever feels good and then we'll deal with it later on, okay?" Jinyoung asks, the rest nodding along. He gets up and carries his tray to the return point, Youngjae following close behind. The other four are still lingering around, though Mark and Bambam have gotten up, too.

“Don’t get in trouble, especially you two,” Jinyoung points at Yugyeom and Jackson, who look fairly offended at being pinpointed. They protest and start an argument on how they’re more well behaved than Mark and Bambam are, but Jinyoung simply laughs and waves goodbye, leaving the canteen with Youngjae in tow.

They walk to the university’s carpark, where Jinyoung has parked the old second-hand car his father gave him when he went away for university. It’s more of a family car within their friend group now, since it’s the biggest and can comfortably fit all of them, unlike Jackson and Yugyeom’s Audis. Jinyoung unlocks it and climbs in, Youngjae doing the same on the passenger’s side.

The car has a nice heater function and it’s deliciously warm compared to the cold weather outside. It isn’t expected to snow today, though the weather forecast did say something about rain and slightly lower temperatures as compared to yesterday’s sun.

Youngjae connects his phone to the Bluetooth speaker ( which Jinyoung had asked Youngjae to install after Jaebeom had started letting Jinyoung listen to his demos in the car ) and selects a song. It's one of the songs by some idol group that always becomes popular around this time of the year. Youngjae belts out the lyrics as they drive, Jinyoung happily humming along while he listens.

The mart is a few streets down from their university since the campus and student apartment blocks take up so much space and leave little to cafes or bookstores. It's a ten-minute drive, though with the empty roads Jinyoung's sure they'll make it in a shorter time. He's just about to turn into the street where the mart is when his phone vibrates in his pocket, his ringtone sounding out and mixing with the music.

He quickly digs it out, one hand firmly gripping the steering wheel while the other fumbles around for his phone in his pants. He finally gets it out after a minute, handing it to Youngjae and wordlessly asking the other to answer it.

“Hello? Jaebeom hyung?” Youngjae greets. Jinyoung’s heart does a happy dance the moment he hears the older’s name, smile naturally coming to his lips. “Yeah, Jinyoung hyung is driving right now. Hang on, I’ll put you on speaker,”

"Nyoungie," comes Jaebeom's voice, sounding lower over the phone. Jinyoung hums in reply, turning into the carpark of the mart. But there's an unwilling sinking feeling in his chest because he knows Jaebeom like the back of his hand. He knows how the older sounds when he’s stressed and frustrated, especially when it comes to addressing Jinyoung. And this sounds awfully lot like one of those times where the older is in a bad mood.

"There's an...issue," And that's the exact moment Jinyoung's heart plummets down to his toes because it definitely can't be anything good now.

 

---

 

JAEBEOM, 12:42 PM

 

“Be careful, okay, Jaebeom-ah? Drive home safe and call when you reach! And let me talk to Jinyoung too, I haven’t seen him in ages,” Jaebeom’s mother says, winking at the end of her sentence. Jaebeom had told them about their relationship on the second day and his parents, despite being part of an older generation, had supported them.  Jaebeom nods, about to promise her that he will when her eyes light up and she holds up a finger. She’s forgotten something again, Jaebeom muses.

“ Yeobo! Bring me the sikhye and strawberry milk from the fridge when you come out!” she turns to yell into the house. There’s a loud sigh and Jaebeom can see his father trudge back to the kitchen to grab whatever his mother told him too. He comes over to the door, three bottles and a padded cooler bag in hand.

"I made some for you and your friends since Jackson likes my sikhye so much," his mother says, handing him two glass bottles filled to the brim with the rice beverage. "And of course, some strawberry milk for my favourite son," she pinches his cheek, smiling ever so fondly. And he lets her because he loves his mother more than anything in the world and seeing her is always good.

He’s returned home for a week because of his mother’s sudden injury to her knee. The tendon had torn due to age and her frequent long standing hours when she went out to sell her homemade food. His father wasn’t able to get a week’s leave while she recovered so Jaebeom, being the filial, good son he was had immediately requested to leave school.

He was a good student and had always volunteered for school events like the annual music festival so they let him. It was a valid reason anyway. So Jaebeom had packed his bags, said goodbye to all his friends and left on the three-hour drive back home. And it hurt to leave them, especially Jinyoung when the holidays were coming up and they'd finally have time to relax. But they've always been so supportive and Jaebeom couldn't be more grateful.

“Thank you, eomma. I’ll make sure we finish everything,” Jaebeom replies, taking the bag from his father and carefully arranging the bottles inside. He then zips it up and slings it over his shoulder, the strap overlapping his backpack’s. “I guess I should go, there’s a party I have to be back in time for,”

They pull into a group hug, Jaebeom’s father’s arms coming around his shoulders while his mother is at the other side. Jaebeom is tucked snuggly in the middle, surrounded by so much warmth and love and he feels like a child all over again, even though he’s taller than both his parents now. He feels them kiss his head, an action they always did when he was younger. And even now, his mother clings tight to his side and his father’s reassuring grip is on his shoulder.

“I love you both, take care and call me if anything happens okay? Appa ,” Jaebeom turns and looks his father in the eye, a silent message to watch over his mother. His father gets it immediately, nodding reassuringly and patting him on the back.

“Drive safe, Jaebeom-ah. And have fun at your party,” his father says. They share a final round of goodbyes and kisses before Jaebeom finally makes his way back to his car, where it’s parked down the street. He climbs in and a sigh leaves his lips, suddenly feeling so alone in the car.

He looks over to the passenger seat next to him and he can picture Jinyoung - round eyes and plump lips moving as he talks. He’ll probably wonder if they liked him and then go on about how nice they were, how much I look like eomma and everything, Jaebeom thinks, smiling despite the ache in his chest. He can imagine Jinyoung sitting right by his side, where he’s always been, and gushing about the whole week excitedly.

And Jaebeom misses him so much.

He snaps out of it, telling himself the faster he gets going, the sooner he’ll see Jinyoung in the flesh. It’s been a hard week - no matter how much love his parents shower on him, it always feels different from the love Jinyoung gives. Where Jaebeom’s parents feel like a pillar of support, Jinyoung is this whole entire place where he can seek refuge whenever he needs it.

Seeing the younger never fails to brighten his day and put him in a good mood. Even the mention of Jinyoung sends butterflies to his stomach and makes his heart rate pick up. They’re still in the honeymoon stage of their relationship but they’ve been best friends for a whole decade now - Jaebeom could have all his senses cut off and still know when Jinyoung’s around him. He thinks if he were to die, he’d want to be buried beside Jinyoung and they’d be connected even then.

So yeah, Jaebeom loves Jinyoung a whole fucking lot. And the thought of finally being able to see the younger makes him step on the gas, speeding up just to make the trip that much shorter. He knows the road well, considering he grew up here before he moved to Seoul for his studies.

He doesn’t live in the student apartments like the rest of them - he’s lucky enough to be able to earn some money doing photography and performing so he’s able to afford a nice apartment outside of campus. It’s about the same size as the school’s apartments and the five minute walk can get a little chilly and bothersome when all Jaebeom wants to do is crash in his bed after a day at school, but it’s his and his alone - save for his cats and Jinyoung, who has half of his belongings there.

( There were multiple times when Jinyoung had to stay over, even before they were dating, because of a very horny Jackson and Mark. Jinyoung had ended up in a fit and went on some sort of rebellion against Jackson by staying over at Jaebeom’s place for a whole entire week, resulting in most of his belongings ending up there. And they’ve both been too lazy to do anything about it. Besides, with Jaebeom’s classes being near Jinyoung’s and them basically seeing each other every day , there wasn’t really a need too. )

( Jaebeom also secretly likes having Jinyoung’s stuff over, since it shows how much the younger trusts him and he thinks he’s a tad bit possessive when it comes to the younger. )

So he's pretty excited to go back, no matter how much he loves his family. But he supposes, in some ways, his weird circle of friends have also become an extension of his family. From Mark always being there no matter how long it takes to coax something out of Jaebeom, to Youngjae's never-ending kindness and smiles and then Yugyeom, who's fiercely loyal no matter how big of a brat he may be. And then, of course, Jackson and his way of always getting a smile out of Jaebeom, despite his grumpiness at times. Finally, Bambam - who's frankness is always a good wake up call when Jaebeom needs one.

And of course, there's Jinyoung, who's been there for years and doesn't plan on leaving any time soon.

And because he’s excited, he’s pretty prone to mood swings when something bad happens. For example right now , when he’s forced to stop due to a long line of cars where he’s nowhere near a single traffic light. He’s barely driven fifteen minutes and there’s already a jam? Why the hell is there a jam? I mean yeah, it’s Christmas and stuff but fuck, it doesn’t usually get this crowded, he curses.

It seems he isn't the only one getting mad and impatient since the drivers around him are honking and yelling to get a move on. It only makes his temper flare up even more and he clenches his jaw so tight it begins to feel sore. The honking sounds like it’s right by his ear and beating a constant drum on his head, forming a steady rhythm that makes him want to tear his hair out. He grips the steering wheel tight till his knuckles flash white, eyes steely as he glares at the car in front of him.

Won’t you move? Why the hell are you like this? Why now, of all times? Jaebeom grumbles to himself. He peers outside the window and tries to look as far as his eyes will let him, but what he sees just makes his mood turn even worse. It’s an endless line that Jaebeom can’t even see the end of. It can stretch all the way to Seoul if I’m unlucky, he thinks miserably.

He pulls out his phone from his pocket, quickly searching the web for any news while simultaneously keeping an eye on the road, though it's not like he's moved any for the past few minutes. There are some news articles and tweets by popular radio stations and Jaebeom just turns the radio on, lazy to read through the long texts in his foul mood.

“...there’s a sudden change in the weather today and several, main roads all across South Korea have been blocked by the heavy snow. The authorities are working on clearing the areas out but meanwhile, bad traffic jams have already started. Drivers are advised to avoid these roads. The roads are…” Jaebeom can’t believe his luck. He doesn't bother listening to the rest of it, simply turning it off and trapping himself back into silence. He supposes the other drives around him have heard the news as well since there's a round of collective sighs and complaining.

He supposes he can relate because he has a goddamn party to attend to and a promise to keep. A promise to keep to his fucking boyfriend who he hasn’t seen in a week. And all of a sudden, his anger doesn’t matter anymore. Neither do the people cursing loudly in their cars or the goddamn ache he can already feel in his butt from sitting. None of it matters anymore - not when Jinyoung is the one waiting for him back in Seoul.

He thinks of how utterly heartbroken Jinyoung would feel, how the younger would try to hide the sadness and act like he was okay in front of the kids when he was breaking down inside. And the guilt crashes into him like waves, hitting him hard and squeezing the air out of his lungs. Without thinking, he picks up his phone from where he'd left it on the dashboard and dials the number he remembers by heart.

"Hello? Jaebeom hyung?" comes Youngjae's voice. Jaebeom isn't too surprised since he knows the group had met to plan for the party. But there's a sense of dread blooming in his chest now because he doesn't know how Jinyoung will react when there's someone around to listen in on their conversation. Worse, he doesn't know if he'll be able to say the whole thing out without breaking down himself. And it hurts, even more, to know that Jinyoung would probably be excited at hearing that he called, totally oblivious to the bad news he brings along with him.

“Youngjae-ah,” his voice threatens to crack but he swallows it down. “Is Jinyoungie with you?”

“Yeah, Jinyoung hyung is driving right now. Hang on, I’ll put you on speaker,” then there’s some rustling and then Jaebeom can hear the faint sound of Christmas music playing in Jinyoung’s car, followed by Jinyoung’s discernible humming.

“Nyoungie,” the nickname slips easily from his lips. Jinyoung hums, waiting for him to carry on. “There’s an...issue,” And it goes dead silent on the other side, the music paused and he can pinpoint the exact moment the mood shifts. To both their credit, Jinyoung’s voice is fairly steady as he replies.

“Yeah? What’s wrong, hyung?” Deep breaths. If you end up crying, Jinyoung’s gonna feel ten times worse.

“There’s a sudden change in the weather and there’s heavy snow in various different places, so the roads got blocked. The authorities are on it but I’m stuck in a jam right now and we’ve barely moved two cars in the past ten minutes and there’s just so many fucking people on the damn road and…” he’s rambling now, lump in his throat that refuses to go down no matter how hard he swallows. Here comes the hardest part .

“And I’m not sure if I’ll make it back in time for the party,” Knowing it is one thing but admitting it is a whole new other level of pain. It cuts through his heart like a dagger and hearing Jinyoung choke on his tears feels like salt on the wound. He can hear his heavy breathing over the phone and Youngjae’s quiet words of comfort, wishing none of this would happen.

“Jinyoung-ah, I’m so fucking sorry. I should have left earlier so I wouldn’t be caught in the jam. I’m so sorry and I know I promised I’d be there in time but I don’t even know if I’ll be back by tonight if the snow doesn’t let up and I’m just-” his words get caught in his throat again, eyes feeling hot with tears but he refuses to cry, not when it’ll just make Jinyoung feel worse. Plus, Youngjae does not need to deal with two of his hyungs crying at the same time, not on a day like Christmas Eve.

“Jaebeommie, it’s-”Jinyoung sniffles and Jaebeom’s heart clenches at the sound. “It’s okay. This isn’t your fault and you couldn’t have foretold this. Don’t- don’t blame yourself, okay?” Jinyoung hiccups through his words and fuck , if it doesn’t hurt Jaebeom. The tears have fallen now, slowly dripping down his cheeks in rivulets. He squeezes his eyes shut and just listens to Jinyoung’s voice, every crack and waver feeling like a stab to the chest.

“Just make it back safe. We’ll save a portion for you at dinner, I’m even cooking you your favourites today,” Jinyoung chuckles with wet, hollow sounding laughter.

“I’m so sorry, Nyoung-ah,” Jaebeom whispers, voice cracking on the last syllable. Jinyoung hiccups on the other end and it hurts so much, it feels like he’s in physical pain.

“It’s okay, hyung. This isn’t your fault. Just get back as soon as you can, okay?” Jinyoung takes a deep breath, his voice finally not cracking anymore. Jaebeom nods, though he knows Jinyoung can’t see the action. If Jinyoung’s gonna be strong, then so will he. He blinks his eyes open, stray tears blurring his eyesight but he wipes them away with the back of his hand. There’s some improvement and he eases the car forward, feeling slightly better now that he’s told Jinyoung and that they’re finally moving more than a few inches.

“I’ll try my best. I love you and I miss you so fucking much, ” the confession is easy on his lips, as the truth always has been.

“I love you too. Be safe, okay? And call me if anything happens,” Jinyoung replies with just as much sincerity, though his voice still shakes.

“I will,” Jaebeom gets caught between saying ‘see you later’ and ‘talk to you later’ because he doesn’t know which will hurt less. But Jinyoung makes it easy on him by asking Youngjae to hang up, his voice softer and weaker than usual. Even after the call cuts and Jaebeom’s left with his beeping phone clutched tightly in his hand, he replays Jinyoung’s words over and over again, the younger’s voice a small comfort. He inches the car forward again and lets out a slow breathe, feeling grim but still hoping.

Don’t lose hope just yet. At least you’re still moving. And Jinyoung’s waiting for you back in Seoul, so are the rest of them. Losing your temper isn’t gonna get you anywhere, so let’s just sit and be patient, okay? Jaebeom tells himself, nodding slowly as a way of self-assurance. And even though luck has given up on him, at least he still has Jinyoung who’s believing in him to get back in time. And that’s more than enough motivation for him to keep on hoping and waiting, too.

 

---

 

JINYOUNG, 1:22 PM

 

Jinyoung had barely managed to park the car safely before he breaks down, hand still tightly gripping the steering wheel while Youngjae holds his other. He feels broken and empty like his heart has been ripped out and thrown to the other side of South Korea. There's a hollow, deep ache that pulses in his chest and everything just sucks so much .

He’d been looking forward to finally seeing Jaebeom for a whole week and now this had to happen right on the day when they could finally be reunited again. Does the world hate us or something? Why now? Why us? he laments. Call him dramatic, but Jinyoung thinks he has every right to feel the way he feels right now.

Even when they were young, way back when Jaebeom used to be all gangly and hot-tempered while Jinyoung had been even more sharp-tongued than he is now, they’d always been together. There was hardly a time when you’d find one of them without seeing the other within a five feet radius. Like two opposite poles of a magnet, they’ve always stuck and clung to each other like superglue, never being apart for more than a few days at a time.

Jinyoung remembers the longest they had been apart then, a whole five-day period when he’d gotten a bad fever and Jaebeom wasn’t allowed to visit in case he caught it, too. Jaebeom had called every day and even tried sneaking into his bedroom through the window once, only to be caught with his broad shoulders stuck in the narrow metal grills.

Of course, they’ve grown up since then, but that doesn’t mean the attachment gets weaker.

In fact, now that they’re dating, it’s gotten stronger than ever. To make it worse, it’s only their second month of dating and Jinyoung really doesn’t want anything bad to happen. He’s heard stories of friends-turned-couples breaking up after a few months because they realised the romantic relationship wasn’t good for them. He and Jaebeom have argued before in the past, though they’ve always gotten through them together. He’s sure they’ll do the same even now but that isn’t what he’s mainly worried about.

Because at first, it felt like just a title change - from best friends to boyfriends. But there are things couples do that best friends do not. Like randomly saying I love you or pecking each other on the cheek, for example. Or to be blunt, making out and everything that follows after.

It’s not like Jinyoung is a virgin or anything - he’s in college, he would have to be a nun to keep his V-card up till now. But it’s Jaebeom. They’ve known each other since they were little kids running in the playground without a care for the world, it’s difficult to change from that to kissing your boyfriend. And they’ve only kissed once so far - just a shy, little peck when they’d gotten together that still felt like the best kiss Jinyoung has ever gotten in his life.

And they were fine with it, preferring to moving slowly because it’s kind of a big step in their years of knowing each other. While they've cuddled and spooned and held hands, lips and skin have never had the chance to meet, though they've come close to a full-on make-out session a few times on the couch. But distance makes everything worse and now he wants nothing more than to melt into Jaebeom and just feel the sensation of the older's lips against his all over again.

But of course, now there’s this whole issue. So yeah, Jinyoung’s pretty fucking sad and angry about it. Not at Jaebeom - never at him. At the world probably, or anything or one that would be willing to take the blame. Then he thinks of his friends - Jackson, who’d been so excited to throw this party and gone on and on about it last night. Bambam, the little brat, who would be spending his first Christmas away from home.

And he can’t be a wet blanket, not now.

“Youngjae-ah,” he mumbles, lifting his head from where it’s leaning against the steering wheel. Youngjae is immediately handing him tissues, worry etching a frown on his face. Jinyoung takes the tissues and wipes the half-dried tears off his cheeks and eyelashes, taking a fresh piece and blowing his nose after.

“You okay, hyung?” Youngjae asks, voice small and soft. It makes Jinyoung soften and guilt crashes over him. How long had he been crying while Youngjae had just sat there?

“Yeah, I’m sorry you had to see me cry,” he mumbles, voice sounding muted due to his crying. Youngjae reaches over and pulls him into a hug, the gear lever sticking out uncomfortably in between them. But it’s comforting and Jinyoung shuts his eyes, soaking up the warmth of another person and he can feel Youngjae’s sincerity.

“Don’t apologise, hyung. It’s normal to feel sad and angry after something like this happens. If I were you, I would have cried, too. Are you still up for the party? We understand if you aren’t, y’know. I texted the rest of them and they said so,” Youngjae says.

Jinyoung frowns and checks his phone. There are twelve new messages from Jackson and some from Mark. Even Bambam and Yugyeom have texted him. “You texted them individually? I didn’t receive anything in the group chat,” he says.

“Ah! I forgot to tell you. We created a group chat when we were trying to get you and Jaebeom hyung together and that’s where I told them. I didn’t want Jaebeom hyung to know you broke down, in case it makes him feel worse,” Youngjae says. It still surprises Jinyoung how considerate and smart his younger friend is, sometimes.

"Thank you, Jae-ah. I'll be fine though, I still want to have the party. You've all been looking forward to it and it'll still be fun with just you guys," Jinyoung says and he means it. He loves his friends so much and wants to do this for them, even if Jaebeom won't be here to complete the group of seven. Youngjae doesn't seem fully convinced but he nods anyway, deciding it'll be easier for Jinyoung if he doesn't push anything.

"Then let's go buy the groceries, hyung. Mark hyung and Bammie are coming to meet us after they finish since the cafe is a few streets down. Then we can go back together," Youngjae informs him, swinging the door open.

It suddenly looks so bright outside, warm sunlight streaming into the car and Jinyoung wishes it was like this everywhere. Dimly, he thinks how cold Jaebeom would be if the snow gets worse. But he grabs his wallet and phone, unbuckles his seatbelt and steps into the warmth, anyway.

The mart is less busy than Youngjae thought it would be. Considering it is Christmas Eve and people in Korea love to throw a damn good party, he sort of expected loads of housewives or even whole families here to do some last minute shopping. But he supposes it’s also a good thing the mart isn’t that crowded because the amount of food they buy would probably leave little to none for the other customers.

He’s pushing two trolleys while Jinyoung carries a half-full basket and his phone in his hand, reading off his list as they make their way down the aisles. So far, they’ve covered the processed food, spices, noodles and eggs - the items filling up one whole trolley and half of Jinyoung’s basket.

Their group eats really well for seven people, especially with Mark and Jaebeom around. He doesn’t mention that the latter might not even appear in time because he knows it’ll dampen the mood by ten-fold and probably make Jinyoung hate him for life. Besides, he has faith that Jaebeom would make it back in time - if not for them then for Jinyoung.

He's been an audience to their love multiple times, like the rest of their group. And he's seen many couples before, some more alike than others while some are totally special in their own ways. But he thinks he hasn't seen any two people more in love and in sync than his two hyungs. There were times when a simple look from Jaebeom and could send Jinyoung into a laughing fit while Jaebeom would grin like a fool, eyes looking like hearts and always so fond. Youngjae figures he wants a relationship like that someday - when he's found his soulmate like Jaebeom and Jinyoung have.

It's also why he understands and can sympathise with Jinyoung because he's always taken the idea of a significant other very seriously. And he knows Jinyoung's faking it till he makes it because his lips turn down subconsciously every five seconds and his shoulders are a permanent droop like he's about to curl in on himself any moment now.

It makes him want to somehow share Jinyoung's pain and take half of it away, or even more if he could.

“Hyung,” he calls out. Jinyoung’s wandered down the aisle in search of a packet of premade pajeon mix, since they’re too lazy to make their own. Jinyoung looks back, automatically curling his lips up a little so they don’t look as sad. “How about some cotton candy? I know you eat it when you’re feeling down so maybe it’ll cheer you up a little,” Youngjae doesn’t give Jinyoung a chance to reply before he rushes to the sweets section, looking for the biggest bag of cotton candy they have on sale. It’s a mass of pastel shades, ranging from blue to green to purple. He grabs it off the shelf and tucks it under his arm, before rushing back, happy to find Jinyoung standing there with a genuinely amused smile on his lips.

"You don't have to do this, Youngjae-ah. I'll be fine eventually, I'm not gonna die, y'know," Jinyoung make an attempt at joking as he walks over to the trolleys. Youngjae counts it as a huge improvement. Jinyoung has found the pajeon mix and tossed it into the first trolley, and Youngjae tosses the huge bag of cotton candy in along with it. The plastic packaging of the mix disappears under the big, puffed up bag which takes up half of the trolley.

“But I want to, hyung. You’re my friend, just because Jaebeom hyung is your boyfriend it doesn’t mean I can’t take care of you, too,” It earns him a laugh and Youngjae thinks maybe he’ll be able to make Jinyoung feel better, after all. “Besides,” Youngjae keeps his tone as light as possible. “Jaebeom hyung would kill me when he comes back and hears we didn’t manage to cheer you up,”

And thank God , the joke doesn’t backfire.

Jinyoung is laughing now, smile as wide as always with his eye wrinkles out in their full glory. Youngjae’s grin widens when Jinyoung pulls him over by the arm into a side hug, arm slung over his shoulder and holding him flush against his side. “I’m sure he wouldn’t kill you , but I can’t say the same for Bambam and Yugyeom,” Jinyoung says.

“Hyung! That’s being biased,” Youngjae remarks, happy that Jinyoung is actually joking with him again.

Jinyoung shrugs and says, “Can’t help it, the other two are brats. And speaking of brats, is Bambam on the way here with Mark hyung yet? We’re only left with the cold food and then we can get home,” He holds up his phone for Youngjae, the checklist he’d typed out almost all crossed out.

“Are you cooking sundubu jjigae ?” Youngjae asks as he notices the two boxes of tofu they have to buy. Jinyoung nods and leads them to the cold foods section, where various products are displayed in the freezer racks. They make their way down, picking up the dairy products ( cheese for Jackson and chocolate milk for Yugyeom ) and packets of various types of meats before they reach the vegetable section.

“Grab me some maneuljjong and mushrooms, please," Jinyoung tells Youngjae as he reaches for two boxes of tofu. He picks the softest type they have since it is sundubu jjigae he’s making. He also knows Jaebeom likes to have the tofu melt in his mouth and slurp the stew up in a go, especially when he’s hungry.

He’ll probably be really hungry after a whole day of driving. Should I get one more packet? But then Jackson won’t be eating it so maybe it’ll be too much, Jinyoung thinks. He doesn’t choose to think about the fact that Jaebeom might not even be back by dinner; choosing to cling on to the hope and faith he has in his boyfriend instead.

He ends up taking three packets of tofu, mostly because it gives him something new to hope for.

They go to pay, Jinyoung pulling out his card from his wallet before Youngjae can say anything. The younger pouts and says something Jinyoung ‘being too motherly when he’s as broke as the rest of them are’ but he lets Jinyoung pay, anyway. He repays him by pushing the trolley with the bagged-up items while Jinyoung hugs the bag of cotton candy to his chest, having to look by the side of it so he doesn’t trip over something.

He kind of succeeds, until he bumps into Bambam, who had been from the carpark.

“Yah! Watch it, chopsticks,” Jinyoung chides, hugging the cotton candy protectively. Bambam snorts and lightly taps the bag, just to tease Jinyoung and prove nothing bad had happened to his precious sweet treat. But then a look of realisation crosses Bambam’s face and he yelps, arms waving around wildly like he’s done something wrong but doesn’t know what to do about it.

“Why, why? What did you do now?” Jinyoung asks, frowning. Bambam’s eyes widen at him and immediately, the younger latches onto Jinyoung’s arm like a koala.

“Jinyoung hyung, I’m so sorry I totally forgot you were sad and we were supposed to comfort you because you’re going through a crisis right now. I didn’t mean to hit your comfort food, I love you,” Bambam gushes into Jinyoung’s shoulder, where his face is buried. ‘What is happening?’ Youngjae mouths to Jinyoung, who shrugs.

“It’s okay, Bambam-ah. I’ll be fine, see? I’m already feeling better, Youngjae made sure of that. But I appreciate your effort and you and Mark hyung coming over,” Jinyoung says, ruffling the younger’s brown hair. Bambam smiles up at him and Jinyoung still thinks of the kid he’d met two years ago - baby-like features and unbroken voice. He thinks he’ll always treat his younger friends like his own children, even when they’re all grey and old.

“That’s good. This idiot nearly dropped my phone when he tugged me all the way to the car earlier,” Mark speaks up as he reaches them. He glares at Bambam, who smiles sheepishly.

"Is that why Bambam was running from you?" Youngjae asks Mark, who nods in reply. Then his eyes travel to Jinyoung and his gaze softens, a soft smile growing on his lips as he walks over. He shoos Bambam away, who sticks his tongue out and goes to cling to Youngjae's side instead.

“You okay, Jinyoungie?” Mark mutters as he wraps thin, long arms around Jinyoung in a tight, warm hug. Jinyoung reciprocates immediately, letting his chin rest on Mark’s bony shoulder. “I miss Jaebeommie, too. But he’ll definitely do his best to be back on time, I know it. Because it’s for you,”

It's then that he realises he isn't the only one affected by the recent turn of events. Mark and Jaebeom might not have known each other for as long as he and Jaebeom have, but he knows the two have become close over the years they spent together in college. They have similar classes and hence their schedules match most days - which means they basically spend their free time together every day.

They’ve inevitably become good friends, both being the oldest in their friend group. And Jinyoung doesn’t mind - he’s found something like that in Jackson, too so he thinks it makes sense for Jaebeom to do the same. Especially now, he’s extra grateful because there’s someone who can relate to him - not that platonic relationships and romantic relationships are anywhere near the same thing, but you get the general idea.

“Thank you, hyung. How about you? You’re his best friend, too,” Jinyoung says as he pulls back from the hug.

“Eh, I’ll live,” they laugh, covering their mouths to hide it. “Besides, I have Jackson and if he hears about me being sad about another man not being here, he’ll have my head,”

“Jackson hyung would whine about it for the rest of his life,” Bambam comments. Jinyoung thinks that isn’t too far from the truth.

"We should get back. You guys bought the cake, right? We can't have that melting," Jinyoung turns them back toward the carpark and they get into their separate cars, though this time Youngjae goes with Bambam and Jinyoung with Mark. The two younger ones don't question it when Mark signals for them to take the other car and Jinyoung pretends not to notice, focusing on storing the numerous bags of groceries in the boot.

It’s only when they settle down in the car that Jinyoung says something.

“I’m fine, y’know. You really don’t have to do this, hyung. Youngjae might get lost and we both know Bambam is horrible with directions in Korea,” he says, strapping on his seatbelt as Mark starts up the engine.

“You don’t have to lie to me, Jinyoungie. I know you - even though we might not be best friends or anything, I think I’m pretty high up on your list of close friends. And I’m not blind, you know. None of us are. I’m just the only one who’s gonna say it because I’m honest like that,”

“But I don’t want to spoil the fun, not when it’s goddamn Christmas Eve. And I’d feel bad when my mood drags everyone else’s down,” Jinyoung confesses, always finding it easier to talk to Mark about this sort of thing.

While he's found a great friend in Jackson, Mark has always offered up comfort and reliable opinions. And they connect in some ways that he and Jackson didn't at first - the latter's boundless energy and flirtatious character throwing him off guard the first few months they moved in together. But with Mark, it's always been easy since they're both more on the quiet side; always knowing each other's boundaries and when to ask.

“We’re your friends , Jinyoungie. Family, even. We don’t care if you wanna spend your Christmas Eve crying and stuffing yourself with ice cream while a sad movie plays. Heck, we’d do it with you. Don’t feel like you have to hide your feelings from us, okay?” It makes Jinyoung laugh despite the seriousness of the conversation - the image that Mark paints in his head with his description of Jinyoung moping.

"Okay. I'm really grateful for you guys," Jinyoung wishes there were more words in the English vocabulary or even some way he could express how much he loves and appreciates his friends, especially in times like these.

“Just make sure you cook us all our favourite dishes next time. You’re too biased,” Mark teases.

“As if you’re not. When it came to Jackson’s birthday you pre-ordered him a crown-shaped cake but you bought Yugyeom chocolate for his birthday. Not even the shake, chocolate. From seven-eleven, ” Jinyoung deadpans. Mark shrugs as if playing favourites is a totally ‘okay’ thing to do.

“What can I say? I love one man and one man only,” Jinyoung stares at him, thinking for a second. “What?”

“Nothing, just-” Jinyoung makes some weird gestures with his hands like he can’t think of the right words to use. “You and Jackson are so open about your love for each other. Has it always been so easy? I can barely hold Jaebeom’s hand in public without blushing or feeling the need to tuck into my jacket pocket,”

“I guess it really differs with each couple so you shouldn’t think too much about it. Just find your own comfortable pace and move onto the next stage when you feel ready. You guys haven’t fucked, right?” Mark’s bluntness takes him off guard and he chokes on his spit, coughing madly into his fist as Mark bursts into laughter.

“No! We ‘ve just- it’s- it’s work in progress, okay? Oh God, I shouldn’t have asked you anything, you and Jackson are zero help when it comes to a topic like this,”

“Like what? Skinship and whatnot in relationships? ‘Cause I think we’re pretty knowledgeable on that-”

“No, stop. I don’t wanna hear about two of my closest friends having sex, I know and I’ve seen too much already. My innocent eyes have been tainted by you devils,” Jinyoung cuts Mark off, squeezing his eyes shut and wishing the image of Jackson’s bare ass on their kitchen counter out of his mind.

( He was especially tired from school that day and all he wanted was to crash into bed after finally finishing his term project. He had not expected to walk in on Jackson and Mark naked in their kitchen, lips basically sucking each other and the place reeking of sweat and other substances. That was kinda what triggered the whole camping over at Jaebeom's place arrangement so on hindsight, it wasn't such a bad thing, after all. But it definitely doesn’t mean Jinyoung needs to see it again. Not ever, thank you very much. )

“Oh, don’t act so innocent, Jinyoungie. I know your past deeds, you hoe,” Mark accuses, smirking at him as Jinyoung turns a beet red. Yes, he has had hookups before. And yes, Mark knows about them considering how the older one was the one he went to rant to because he obviously couldn’t tell Jaebeom he was sexually and romantically frustrated because of him, now could he? Telling Mark meant telling Jackson, so thankfully his best friend could keep his mouth shut after he had gotten over being petty that Jinyoung didn’t tell him first.

It felt like such a long time ago. Looking back at how much he’s pined and waited and wished, it makes Jinyoung smile seeing how far they’ve come since then.

“I am! In comparison to you two, at least. I’ve kept it in my pants and in the bedroom, ” Jinyoung hisses. Mark grins like he won the lottery, not a single ounce of shame on his face and Jinyoung can’t say he expected any more. Not when you’re boyfriends with Jackson Wang. Not in this universe, at least.

“We’ll see. But on a serious note, is that why you’re so anxious about him not being back on time? Because you guys haven’t done anything and you’re scared it’s a bad sign?” Mark asks as he turns into the university’s carpark. Jinyoung hesitates for a second before speaking.

"Kinda, yeah. It's just that, what if being boyfriends isn't right for us, after all? We've been best friends for so long and we haven't even done many couple-y things at all. I'm just worried Jaebeommie's gonna wake up one day and realise he doesn't want to be my boyfriend anymore and call it off and this trip sounds like such a good chance for something bad to happen and-" he's rambling now, voice getting higher and eyes growing wider with panic as he goes.

"Woah, woah, calm down, Jinyoung," Jinyoung stops, breathing heavily and hands balled up in tight fists on his thighs. "Jaebeom hyung loves you more than anyone in this world and everyone can see that,”

“You’re the only one who can calm him down when he’s mad, the only one he stopped getting into fights for. He used to hate being babied and taken care of, right?” Jinyoung nods, breathing evening out. “Then you came around and he literally let you touch his mullet. And only you,”

“You could call him at three a.m and tell him you’re hungry and he’d cook a full-course meal for you,” Jinyoung makes a sound, something between a snort and a chuckle. “He loves you so much and I can tell you love him as much, too. Don’t worry about skinship and things like that, that isn’t what a relationship is about. It’s about you two, not other couples. Okay?"

"Okay. I'm sorry, I've just been thinking so much the past week and everything just kind of came out," Jinyoung admits, rubbing the back of his neck. Mark doesn't deserve to be at the receiving end of his random outbursts, none of his friends does.

But Mark understands because he’s been afraid before, back when he first started dating Jackson. Jackson was like a magnet that attracted and charmed everyone he met while Mark was this enigma - closed-off and introverted. And he was so scared he’d never be good enough for someone like Jackson. Yet they’d somehow fallen in love and reached a good balance, their contrasting energies bouncing and feeding off each other. So he thinks if they could do it, then people who have been best friends for years would have no problem.

“No worries. I’m glad you told someone, at least. It’s good to talk out your feelings,” Mark tells him while he parks the car. Jinyoung smiles, softly humming as thanks. This is another reason why he likes talking to Mark - there’s never awkward silence between them and Mark never questions when Jinyoung lets a topic drop.

He looks around and spots Youngjae and Bambam stepping out of Jackson’s car, Youngjae carefully closing the door while Bambam straight-up slams it shut. “Does Jackson know Youngjae drove his car?” Jinyoung asks, eyeing Mark warily as the older parks.

“Nope and he won’t know. Besides, he loves Youngjae so even if he does find out, he’ll probably blame Bambam for any damage done to it,” Mark replies, smoothly putting the gear into park and unbuckling his seatbelt.

Jackson and Yugyeom are the only ones among them who can afford fancy cars - Jackson because he’s already signed to a record label and releases his own music sometimes. Yugyeom because he conducts loads of dancing classes outside and is in a professional dance troupe that wins competitions with at least a million won prize money for each person. Jinyoung thinks he should work harder when he sees them sometimes but then he thinks of how happy living the way he’s living now is and doesn’t want to change a thing.

“I wonder if they’ve made a mess of the apartment yet. I swear if Jackson’s put up those hideous lights in the living room again, I’m gonna burn them,” Jinyoung mutters.

“I’m surprised you haven’t done that already. I’m pretty sure he put it up though, he sent me some promising pictures earlier,” Mark says. Jinyoung groans and considers bolting all the way to the apartment so he can break those light bulbs in half.

“Is he bitching about those lights again?” comes Bambam’s voice next to him.

“I personally think they look okay, though? They’re traditional colours,” Youngjae - sweet, innocent, Youngjae says and Jinyoung feels like dying inside.

“They’re the ugliest shades of red and green I have ever seen. The red isn’t even red, it’s pink , for fucks’ sake. I have no idea why Jackson bought them . I think mixing them and just hanging up brown lights would look better,” Jinyoung states, throwing his hands up in frustration.

“Oh come on, don’t be so whiny and just let him be. Y’know it’ll be worse if you don’t let him hang them up," Mark says and they all go silent because they know Jackson better than anyone and are no strangers to his pettiness and fake-tantrums. The topic drops as easy as it comes and they spend time talking about the cake they bought instead, then about Bambam's friend who has a not-so-small crush on him that works at the cafe as they reach their block of apartments.

( Jokes on her, Bambam isn’t even straight. )

They all live in the same block - Mark and Youngjae a few apartments down from Jackson and Jinyoung while the two youngest live a few levels above them. It makes it easy for get-togethers and when one of them run out of salt or sugar, though it gets awfully tempting to just procrastinate at someone's apartment when it's exam period.

They go up to Jackson and Jinyoung’s apartment, all of them immediately spotting the dreaded lights Jinyoung was talking about messily hanging outside their door. Jinyoung groans and speedwalks over, glaring at the lights like they personally offend him before he pushes the door open.

“Jinyoungie!” Jackson squeals and he jumps off the ladder, scaring Yugyeom who’s steadying the ladder from below. Jackson doesn’t notice and runs straight to Jinyoung, wrapping him in a bone-crushing hug that squeezes his lungs flat.

"Ja-Jackson-ah. Can-can't breat-the," Jinyoung stutters out, tapping frantically on his shorter friend's muscular back. Yugyeom and Bambam snicker behind Jackson and Jinyoung glares daggers at them while he catches his breath. Jackson looks mildly guilty but he's quick to hug Jinyoung again - in a gentler, calmer hug this time.

“Are you okay? Jae told us and I got so worried, I was scared you were gonna do something stupid since y’know, you’re a literature major and you guys are all about those emotional, runaway love story they do. Like in Romeo and Juliet! Both of them die and so I was scared you were gonna die, too,” Jackson rambles on and on and it’s comforting how Jackson is always himself, no matter how different the scenarios might be.

“Jackson-ah, I’m okay, I’m not gonna die, ” Jinyoung says, firmly putting his hands on Jackson’s shoulders to get his attention.

“Oh good, I think we’d all get killed by hyung if you died in our watch. But are you sure you’re okay? Because we all know you and we know when you’re not,” Jackson’s using his serious tone now and Jinyoung gives up trying to hide anymore. Both Mark and Jackson know now, so what’s the point? Besides, if it’s his friends, he knows he can tell them.

“I’m getting there,” he chooses to say, figuring it’s also true since he feels much better now after the endless support and comfort. Jackson wordlessly nods and moves to hug him again, Jinyoung returning it. Then he feels another pair of arms encircle his waist and then sees Yugyeom’s tall frame towering over Jackson’s from behind. He sees Bambam’s tuff of brown hair somewhere to his right and knows Youngjae is huddled somewhere between Mark and Yugyeom.

Then he shuts his eyes and lets himself treasure this moment because he really fucking loves his friends.

“When have you all become so grown up? Stop it, I’m supposed to baby all of you, still,” Jinyoung mumbles into Jackson’s shoulder, feeling pure fondness burst in his heart like fireworks. And shit, he feels like crying again.

“You’re always welcome to baby us, hyung. But let us take care of you sometimes, too,” Yugyeom tells him, Youngjae humming in agreement.

"We're family, of course, we take care of each other," Bambam states and Jinyoung can't help it. Tears fall from his eyes and he lets out wet, happy laughter. There are coos of ‘Aw, Jinyoung hyung is such a softie,' and ‘Don't cry, Jinyoung-ah~' while he wipes his tears with his sleeves. Mark offers up tissues and he takes them, sniffling and laughing as Bambam goes to immediately re-enact his crying.

Damn, Jaebeommie. You’re missing out on loads now, our kids have all grown up and you’re not here to see it, Jinyoung thinks. The sorrow and forlornness are lesser now, though he misses Jaebeom just as much, still. But being surrounded by such amazing and loving people might just get him through the day without any more tears.

They start on dinner like that, four of them huddled in the kitchen while the remaining two work on the leftover decorations. Youngjae had gone back to bring Coco over and now, the little ball of white fur sits under the Christmas tree as it watches Yugyeom with curiosity, head tilting. Yugyeom copies the action and giggles when Coco looks even more confused as he works on hanging up the small jingle bells on the fake Christmas tree in the living room.

Jackson has disappeared into his room to look for the plastic star that belongs at the top, so he bends down and picks Coco up while he waits. She moves a little in his arms but quickly settles down in his forearm as he walks to the kitchen. The smell of frying garlic and spices hit his nose as soon as he reaches the doorway and he takes a huge, long whiff and sighs happily.

“ Samgyeopsal ?” He asks hopefully. Jinyoung, who’s today’s head chef, makes a sound of acknowledgement and Yugyeom does a small happy dance.

“Even Coco’s judging you, Gyeom-ah,” Bambam speaks up from where he’s hidden by Mark and Youngjae. The three of them are busy preparing the ingredients while Jinyoung mans a big pot and two frying pans at once, the four squeezed together by the small stove.

“Shut up, at least she lets me carry her. You reek of cat, that’s why she hates you,” Yugyeom retorts, cooing at Coco who looks away, uninterested.

“We live together, you idiot. I smell like exactly like you do,”

“Excuse you, I don’t sleep with four cats and I made sure to change before coming over today,” Yugyeom argues back, stepping into the kitchen and poking Bambam’s side. The brunette yelps and squirms, nearly dropping the carrot he’s shredding.

“Yah, stop it. I might cut myself and then you’ll regret it, Kim Yugyeom,” Bambam threatens, grabbing Yugyeom’s hand with a playful glint in his eye. He raises his leg and successfully hits Yugyeom in the shin, the younger pouting and lightly hitting him back.

“Kids, no playing in the kitchen. And get Coco out of here before she starts barking for food or something,” Jinyoung says without looking up from his frying.

"Yeah, and human food isn't good for my princess," Youngjae coos, looking up from his work to make baby faces at Coco. Yugyeom and Bambam share matching cringes and Yugyeom quickly leaves after that, not needing to see any more of Youngjae's baby faces.

“What’s up with you and Gyeommie? Huh? Fess up, Bambam,” Mark asks as soon as Yugyeom is out of earshot. He can see Bambam’s ears flush from his peripheral vision and smirks.

“Nothing! We’re fine, everything’s fine, nothing’s going on,” Bambam replies way too quickly.

“Something is definitely going on,” Youngjae teases and Jinyoung stifles a laugh while he carefully pours the fried meat onto a clean plate and moves it to another counter for later.

“So? What is it? That wasn’t your normal ‘we’re just best friends’ playfulness. Something happened, didn’t it?” Mark asks, leaning over slightly just to make Bambam crack under the peer pressure.

“Alright fine! You win, I hate you, hyungs,” Bambam whines.

“Me too? I didn’t do anything,” Jinyoung defends, though a playful grin makes it ways to his lips. Bambam fixes him a fake smile and Jinyoung laughs, opening up the bottle of kimchi and starting on frying it. He also opens up the pot lid to check on the stew, lightly prodding at the tofu to see if it’s cooked yet.

“What happened?” Youngjae enunciates each syllable with a poke to Bambam’s side with the blunt end of the spoon he’s using to scoop out the tuna for Jinyoung’s rice.

“We...uh...kissed. Like two nights ago?” Bambam shyly tells them. Mark nearly drops his knife and Jinyoung eyes grow as big as saucers.

"And you didn't tell any of us? We're your closest friends! How could you, Bambam-ah?" Youngjae accuses, trying his best to whisper-yell with his naturally loud voice.

"Yeah, you ass. You can't say you ‘had no time to' because we spent the whole morning together and you could have brought it up then but you didn't. Explain," Mark demands, putting down his knife and crossing his arms. Bambam audibly gulps.

“I just didn’t know how to, okay! I don’t even know what the hell we are because we don’t even talk about it. But he’s been so touchy ever since and I just, y’know, react naturally,” Bambam’s blushing now, cheeks tinted pink under the bright afternoon sunlight streaming in.

“And your ‘natural instinct’ is to be equally touchy? Sounds like someone’s in love,” Jinyoung comments as stirs in the rice and tuna with the kimchi. Mark and Youngjae snicker, all three of them waiting for Bambam to say something.

“Ah, I don’t know anymore. Can we just cook and talk about this later? Please?” Bambam whines, tugging on Mark’s arm.

“Alright but you owe us all the details, okay? This is important! Our two maknaes finally realising their feelings after pining for so long!” Mark says, rubbing away fake tears.

“You knew?” The three of them nod. “You all knew? And I didn’t?” Bambam asks, incredulous.

“You are kind of oblivious,” Youngjae tells him, shrugging and turning back to his chopping. Bambam’s shoulders droop and his jaw drops because he’d just realised a week ago that he loved Yugyeom and his friends have known all this time? How blind has he been?

“Youngjae-ah, try it,” Jinyoung says, carefully lifting a spoon of stew to Youngjae’s lips. The younger slowly blows on it before sipping it, smacking his lips together and humming in approval.

“It’s good, hyung. You should cook this more often,” Youngjae says, asking for another spoon. Jinyoung concedes and carefully scoops another one, a small piece of mushroom along with it this time.

“Do you think Jaebeom hyung will like it?” Jinyoung asks since it is Jaebeom’s favourite dish, after all.

“I think hyung will love it,” And Jinyoung finds himself believing Youngjae despite his earlier worries.

 

---

 

JAEBEOM, 5:43 PM

 

Fucking hell, how long more do I have to wait in this stupid jam? It's like five forty already and we're barely three-quarters of the way there, Jaebeom swears in his head. His butt aches and feels uncomfortably warm from sitting for so long; his mind already a huge mess from thinking of alternative routes to get home.

So far, he’s considered running out of his car and into the freezing cold weather to the nearest train station, looking for a bicycle somewhere so he can cycle all the way back to Seoul and his most recent amazing idea - simply running all the way back.

Okay so maybe they aren’t his best ideas but in his defence, he’s been food and water deprived ( save for the bottle of strawberry milk he’d downed earlier ) for a good six hours since lunch at home. He’s also stuck in traffic with a car honking loudly every few seconds and Jaebeom isn’t the most patient person in the world.

It kinda led to him wrestling with himself for the past hour, which led to more mental exhaustion than when he was prepping for his end-of-year examinations a few months back.

I’m sleep deprived, food deprived, Jinyoung deprived and stuck in a stupid car on fucking Christmas Eve. Isn’t life treating me just amazing, Jaebeom sulks in his head. He can’t even bring himself to listen to music anymore - the calming beats of his r&b would usually do wonders for his temper but after the first two hours of listening to it mixed with the continuous honking from neighbouring cars, Jaebeom had decided not to harm his ears anymore and just sit in silence.

He considers listening to a podcast or maybe an audiobook, pulling out his phone and scrolling through some of his old downloads. There’s one that Jinyoung had made for a school production once - the younger’s literature department doing a play of ‘The Little Prince’. Jinyoung had been chosen as the narrator for his soothing, rich voice that made people swoon every time he talked.

But the other people don’t know how nervous Jinyoung had been before and while he recorded the whole audio in Jaebeom’s mini studio in his apartment. Jaebeom had been there the whole time, letting Jinyoung wring his hands in his sweats while he read off his script. He’s been there when Jinyoung had hesitated for minutes before finally submitting the recording which he spent endless nights practising and memorising.

And when the play had been a big success, he’d been as proud as he’s always been of Jinyoung.

Hence, he skips over the recording, deciding not to submit himself to another round of wallowing in self-pity when he's gotten so far already. He finds one that's more to the comedic side and connects his phone to the Bluetooth function in his car. He hits play but the sound that comes out from the speakers isn't the person's voice, it's the sound of his phone ringing. He frowns and doesn't bother to look at the caller ID, hitting the answer button and waiting.

“ Adeul! " comes his mother's cheery voice. He lets out a breath, though he doesn't know why he had it held in the first place. “I just saw the news about the jam, are you back yet?”

“No, I’m about an hour away if the jam keeps at this pace. But I’m okay! I had the strawberry milk you made so I’m not that hungry,” Jaebeom quickly assures her. He knows how much of a worrywart she is and he doesn’t want more people waiting for him to get to Seoul safely.

“That’s good, then. But did you tell your friends? And Jinyoungie? How does he feel about it?” Jinyoungie. Ah, that’s why I was holding my breath. Aren’t I a mess?

“We had a call earlier and...Jinyoungie was really sad about it. But Youngjae was there to comfort him and he said he’ll keep me a portion, even if I don’t make it back in time,” Jaebeom says, albeit bitterly.

“And how do you feel about it?” his mother asks, patient as always.

“Me? Why?”

"Because you're my son and I know you. Your temper gets the better of you sometimes, especially when it comes to Jinyoung and when you're alone. I don't want you to do or think of something dumb because of it," his mother casually replies. Too late, Jaebeom thinks as he remembers his previous amazing ideas.

"I'm...mad. That's for sure. But I'm also really sad about it because I miss all of them a lot and I haven't seen them in a week. Then there's also disappointment in myself because I promised Jinyoung I'd be back in time and now I might not even be back today," his mother hums, waiting for him to go on.

“I’m also really...scared? I don’t- I don’t want anything bad to happen to our relationship because of this one, stupid thing that shouldn’t have happened. Eomma, we’re in our first few months of dating and I know, I’ve known Jinyoungie almost my whole life but it’s just so new to me, still,” Jaebeom admits, the words all tumbling out now that he’s started on the topic.

“But you love him, don’t you?” his mother asks, softly.

“Of course,” he replies in a space of a breath.

“And he loves you back, right?” Jaebeom hums. “Then there’s nothing to be afraid, Beom-ah. Love might be scary at first, but that doesn’t mean it always stays that way,”

“When I first met your father, I fell in love like it was nothing. And then we had you and I felt like I couldn’t be happier. But your father - he became a broken, lost man and I felt so afraid of the person I’d fallen in love with. Remember the day we left? I had vowed to myself never to fall in love again and only focus on taking care of you for the rest of my life,” his mother lets out a little laugh and Jaebeom can’t help but smile along with her.

“Then I’d met someone new - the man who now loves you like his own son. And when I saw you call him ‘appa’ for the first time with that smile I love so much, I realised that love isn’t so scary, after all. Love is an amazing thing that blooms and grows when it’s with the right people, and I know you and Jinyoung are right for each other,” Jaebeom would have felt embarrassed then, but he likes hearing that he and Jinyoung are a good couple every now and then, especially when it’s from another person he loves.

“I’ve seen you two grow up from children to men and every time Jinyoungie looks at you, it's like you put the stars in the sky for him. And you too if you think I haven't noticed. You look at him so fondly and you light up whenever he's around, Jaebeom-ah. I know you two will get through it together as you've always been. Don't be afraid just because of a new title - neither of you has changed and neither will your love for each other,"

“Thank you, eomma ,” Jaebeom says, feeling like a weight has been lifted from his chest. He’s been keeping it in for weeks now, not finding a good time or place or reason to tell any of his friends and it feels refreshing to get it off his chest once and for all.

“I can’t promise I won’t worry, though, because that’s what I do. But I’ll try,"

“That’s all I ever ask of you, adeul. Now get to Seoul as soon as you can and tell Jinyoung how much you love him, okay? Then call me right after because I miss all of your friends,” his mother tells him. He can hear the smile in her voice and he chuckles.

He feels like a child again - when he and his mother were still living alone, just the two of them in a rundown studio apartment that they rented for months. He’d crawl into his mother’s room when he couldn’t sleep and find her lying awake, too. Then they’d spend the night just talking and he would fall asleep in his mother’s embrace that felt much warmer than the half-broken heater in the room. They’ve moved on so much since then and Jaebeom feels hope bloom in his heart.

“Of course, they’d wanna thank you for the sikhye, anyway,”

“I expect nothing less,” his mother jokes. “Well, I better get going. Your appa is nagging about me being too active while I’m recovering again. Come visit soon, and bring your friends, too. I’ll cook lots of food once I’m recovered,”

“I will, rest well and call me if anything, okay? Bye, love you,” he greets before hanging up, letting out a slow breath. But it isn’t heavy or laced with dread anymore. It’s one of resolution and newfound hope. It may not be much, but if it’s all he can get right now then he sure as hell will cling onto it.

 

---

 

JINYOUNG, 6:19 PM

 

“Jinyoung hyung! Hurry up, the movie’s starting!” Bambam hollers from the living room where the loud introduction music is blaring from the small television. He makes a sound of acknowledgement and wipes his hands on the cloth hanging on one of the cupboard handles before he grabs a cup. He also puts some ice cubes into it for his drink.

They’ve already finished cooking and preparing all the drinks for later’s dinner and they have spare time left so Youngjae had suggested a movie while they waited for seven to arrive.

None of them brings up the fact that they should probably call Jaebeom and actually ask if he’ll make it in time instead of just sitting around and waiting when he might not even show up on time. It’s mostly for Jinyoung’s benefit and also because they all have faith and want Jaebeom to be back on time. It’s sometimes better to not know than to know too much.

"Is there a drink over there?" Jinyoung asks, hovering by the dining table where their drinks are all displayed in a row. There are various sodas and some alcohol that they had lying around, though most of them are too sweet for Jinyoung's taste.

"Green tea? Or you could make coffee if it's too sweet for you," Jackson says, turning to look at him.

“I’ll take the green tea, I’m lazy to go make some coffee,” Jinyoung says as he makes his way to the couch. He glances around and notices how they’re paired up - Yugyeom and Bambam side by side on the floor under Jackson’s huge blanket, Mark and Jackson as cuddly as always on the loveseat and even Youngjae has Coco hugged tightly to his chest on the couch. He sighs and plops down next to Youngjae, pouting as he pours some green tea into his cup.

“It’s okay hyung, I’ll cuddle with you,” Youngjae whispers to him and Jinyoung nods gratefully, resting his head on Youngjae’s puffy, white sweater and throwing an arm over his friend’s own. Coco sniffs at his pullover ( Read: Jaebeom’s old one that he outgrew when his shoulders became broader. ) for a second before deciding he’s not interesting enough, going back to Youngjae’s lap.

Even a dog doesn’t wanna cuddle with me, he thinks miserably. He knows Youngjae had offered and he’s thankful, he really is. But it’s nothing like Jaebeom’s warmth and solidness, his broad chest and strong arms that make Jinyoung feel so safe and protected. Then there are also times when Jaebeom wants to be babied and he turns into some sort of cat, rubbing his face into Jinyoung’s sweaters and letting Jinyoung play with his hair and poke at his cheeks.

I wonder if he’s in Seoul yet. Jinyoung thought he’d been doing so well the rest of the day, not even letting his mind wander to Jaebeom and focusing on cooking up a good dinner for his friends. But now that his mind isn’t occupied, not even by the Home Alone movie playing in front of him, it wanders back to Jaebeom all over again.

 

*

Ten Years ago

 

“Ah! That hurts, hyung,’ Jinyoung whines as he grimaces in pain. Jaebeom doesn’t seem to care - he applies more pressure on the wound and roughly swabs it with the Q-tip in his hand. The ointment drips off and stings Jinyoung’s wound on his knee, making him grip at the metal sides of the truck they’re sitting in.

It's sort of their secret hideout - an old pickup truck parked by a small road at the end of their row of houses. It's somewhere where most kids don't explore since there's always been some sort of ghost stories made up by older people to keep them safe. But Jaebeom and Jinyoung aren't quite like other kids - the two never fearing anything when they're together. Then they'd stumbled upon the truck one day - empty and the white and red paint already fading due to age. They've climbed in and sat there the whole day until the sunset above their heads and stars appeared.

Tonight’s no different, except that they’re twelve now instead of ten. There’s also the fact that Jinyoung had two matching wounds on his knees where he’s scraped them against the ground and bled all the way here.

“If you hadn’t been an idiot and told me in the first place that those jerks were bullying you, none of this would have happened, would it?” Jaebeom snaps, though Jinyoung knows it’s with good will. He feels laughter bubbling up in his chest and he can’t help it, covering his mouth to muffle the sound even though Jaebeom is glaring at him now.

“What an ungrateful brat. I’m helping you dress your wounds even after I got hit in the face for you and you laugh? Park Jinyoung, where has your good boy manners gone?” Jaebeom teases as he wraps up Jinyoung’s wounds. He’d gone home earlier and found some from when he’d gotten his knuckles injured in a fight a few weeks ago and ran all the way back to the truck where he’d made Jinyoung wait. He ties up the knot carefully, making sure to keep the cotton pads in place over Jinyoung’s wound so the blood clots. They don’t have bandages big enough for the wounds on Jinyoung’s knees so this will have to do.

"I'm not eight anymore, I don't have ‘good boy manners' like Ms Soon said I did," Jinyoung laughs. "But thank you, hyung,"

“Oh yeah? For what?” Jaebeom asks, even though he knows as well as Jinyoung what for. Jinyoung rolls his eyes but indulges him because it’s Jaebeom and he’d do anything to make his best friend happy.

“For finding me in that alley, for fighting off Hyunwoo and his friends, for getting hit in the face, for carrying me all the way here, for dressing my wounds...did I miss out on anything?” Jinyoung asks, gaze softening as he meets Jaebeom’s fond eyes.

“Nope. But could you dress my wound for me, too? My mom would freak out if I went home with another bleeding lip in a week,” Jaebeom says, tilting his face up for Jinyoung. Under the moonlight and the little lamp they always bring, Jinyoung can see the cut from Jaebeom’s bottom lip to where his top and bottom lips meet, some blood already dried up in the wound. He grimaces and feels guilt stab at his chest seeing Jaebeom get injured because of him again.

“You really need to control your temper, Jaebeom hyung,” Jinyoung chides. He grabs a fresh Q-tip and dips it in ointment before carefully grabbing Jaebeom’s chin and tilting it further to him, the older offering it up to him by leaning forward more. He can feel Jaebeom’s soft puff of breath against his hand as he lets out a soundless laugh and Jinyoung smiles despite himself.

“They deserved it for making fun of you again. You should have told me they moved on to bullying you, Nyoung-ah,” Jaebeom frowns as far as he can with his lips parted as Jinyoung cleans up the wound. He takes pain better than Jinyoung does - mostly because he’s used to it with all his previous fights and barely flinches when Jinyoung makes a particularly hard swipe where the dried blood is the most clumped up.

“If I told you, you would have gotten into another fight with them and go home with either bruised knuckles, a broken wrist or maybe even worse. And you know how much I hate seeing you get hurt because of me,” It’s his turn to frown now, eyes serious so Jaebeom knows he means it.

“But if they keep bullying you and you do nothing about it it’ll keep happening, won’t it? You’re my best friend, Jinyoungie. If I can’t at least try to protect you, what kind of a best friend am I?” Jaebeom asks, shutting his mouth now that Jinyoung has finally finished cleaning it. But he doesn’t move away, eyes still trained on Jinyoung’s. His gaze has always been something intimidating yet so magnetic and Jinyoung finds it hard to tear his eyes away.

“You’re the best best friend I could ever ask for, protector or not. But I don’t want you to keep getting in fights for something that isn’t even your-,”

"Don't say that you idiot," Jaebeom snaps. Jinyoung is bewildered for a second.

“You don’t even know what I was gonna say,” he protests.

“You were gonna say it wasn’t even my problem. But it is because you’re my best friend and I’ll always want to be part of your life and for you to tell me when something’s wrong. Or just for you to tell me anything that happens, whether it concerns me or not. I want to know because if it matters to you then it matters to me. So don’t say it wasn’t my problem anymore,” Jaebeom says. There’s no anger to his words - only genuine, sincere care and worry that makes Jinyoung soften.

“Do you mean it? Because I’m a very problematic person with lots of sarcasm and a big mouth that gets me in trouble,” Jinyoung says, grinning like an idiot. He feels giddy from happiness at hearing Jaebeom’s confession and he doesn’t know why but now, he wants nothing more than to have Jaebeom in his life forever.

“Of course. I’ll always come for you, Nyoung-ah. No matter how far away you are or how long it takes,” Jaebeom grins back at him, boyish charm and pearly white teeth seemingly brighter than the stars looking down on them. Then Jinyoung’s heart stutters a beat - just a mere, fluttering moment before it’s gone with the wind, but he knows what it is, anyway.

Because when it comes to Jaebeom, the easiest thing that Jinyoung has ever done for him is to love him.

 

*

 

‘I’ll always come for you’. He better keep his damn promise this time, Jinyoung thinks as tears prick at his eyes. He stubbornly blinks them away and takes a long sip of his green tea, shutting his eyes as he ends up downing the liquid in a few mouths. He opens his eyes to see Youngjae and Mark staring at him like he’s grown another head.

“What?” Jinyoung asks, suddenly feeling like he’s said his whole thought process out on accident.

“Are you okay, hyung? You’ve been awfully quiet and you kinda just chugged the whole cup,” Youngjae points at the empty cup he’s gripping in his hand. Jinyoung lightly places it on the table and makes a big show of pouring himself a new cup, which he takes a sip from.

“Yeah, I’m just thirsty from all that cooking earlier. What time is it, by the way?” he asks, feeling dread creep on his bones and under his skin.

"It's six forty-eight," Mark replies, still looking at him uncertainly. Jinyoung ignores the look and nods, leaning back into the couch and fixing his eyes on the movie. He doesn't even know which part they're at now but he rather stare blankly than deal with questions now.

He feels Mark and Youngjae’s gaze return to the television a few minutes later and he lets out a silent breath of relief. He glances at the clock again, 6:51 flashing at him in bright green numbers. Nine minutes more, he tells himself, chewing on his bottom lip and rubbing his hands up and down his thighs.

Nine minutes more and he’s starting to lose hope, already.

 

---

 

JAEBEOM, 6:40 PM

 

Jaebeom feels like kneeling down and kissing the floor in thanks when he can finally see the streets of Seoul in front of him. There’s still some traffic in front of him but at least they’re continuously moving now instead of him having to jerk the car forward every few seconds. His phone flashes 6:40 and he heaves a sigh, gritting his teeth as he thinks.

If I break a few traffic rules and speed all the way, I’ll make it just in time, I think, he tells himself. He glances around and sees the cars in the lanes next to him start to split off and then there’s a gap just big enough for his car to fit through. He imagines Jinyoung, sitting back in his dorm and waiting with food on the table and the other boys with him. Then he thinks, fuck it, and steps on the gas.

He swerves left and right into every gap he can find between cars and nearly, nearly, runs a red light a few times. He’s huffing now, impatient and adrenaline pumping in his veins as he taps his fingers repeatedly on the steering wheel. He glares at the red light stopping him, willing it to change. And when it does, he’s turning onto the next street and speeding off like his life depends on it.

Loads of drivers honk at him when he mindlessly cuts them but he doesn’t care, not anymore. He’s finally in Seoul - the closest he’s been to Jinyoung in a whole week. If people think he isn’t gonna speed all the way to keep a promise to his boyfriend then they must be dumber than he thought.

He’s driving so quickly that he nearly misses the entrance to the university’s carpark, having to make a sharp turn to get into the gantry. His cheap, second-hand car is registered for season parking since he usually drives over when he’s late for classes and he feels explicitly nervous as the gantry opens up for him.

He goes into the far end of the carpark where there’s always empty lots since it’s mostly parallel parking. But he’s a seasoned driver who honestly can’t give a fuck anymore and messily drives his car in, barely missing the empty trash can separating his car from the one in front of him. He grabs his phone and the bag of sikhye, his phone flashing 6:55 in thin black lines against his wallpaper of Jinyoung hugging Nora.

Run, you fucking idiot, a voice urges him and his legs move before he can process it, moving quickly across the wide expanse of green grass that connect the carpark to the main school building. Some of his classmates cast his weird looks as he rushes past them, some even greeting him a Merry Christmas. Jaebeom doesn’t get the time to reply, only doing what he hopes looks like a nod before he’s running off.

The student dorms are a building away and Jaebeom lets out a huff when he finally sees the top of the building appear behind the main one, the familiar white and blue cast in the evening sun.

He rushes in, forgoing the elevator and just running up the steps two at a time. The dorm is on the fourth floor and his legs ache like a bitch when he finally pushes the door to the stairwell open.

( He’s a film major who works on music part-time - he isn’t built for sports even though he looks like he is with his broad shoulders and strong arms. And it’s not much of a secret among his friends how much he sucks at anything sport-related. )

Jinyoung and Jackson’s apartment is all the way at the end, which would have been a lot nearer if Jaebeom had waited for the elevator. But Jinyoung is so close, all he has to do is make it to the door and he’ll be with him again. He can see the horrible green and red Christmas lights Jackson loves as he nears; he can hear the noise from inside followed by Youngjae’s loud, recognisable laughter and Yugyeom’s chicken-like squawking.

What’s wrong? Knock, the voice tells him as his hand hovers over the pale wood of the door, right under the metal plate engraved with the dorm number. Don’t be scared anymore. It’s Jinyoungie, there’s nothing to be afraid of.

There’s nothing to be afraid of. So he knocks - once, twice - breath catching in his lungs as the space on the other side of the door goes quiet all at once. And he waits.

 

---

 

7 PM

 

Jinyoung’s heart clenches in his chest as he grips the doorknob, gulping as he fumbles with the flimsy lock. Please be Jaebeom, please be him, please, please, please be him, he repeats like a mantra in his head. The logical side of his brain knows it can't be anyone else since they hadn't invited anyone. But the smaller, darker, paranoid part of him wants to curl up and never get the chance to know because what if Jaebeom isn’t on the other side of the door? What would he do then?

“Open it, hyung,” Bambam urges from his spot on the couch, voice barely a whisper. The other boys are all looking at him now, the movie paused and silence hangs in the air. All of them are hoping, too.

Jinyoung nods, shutting his eyes. He grips the knob and turns once, the metal clicking and he pulls the door open.

“Jinyoungie,” Jaebeom breathes as his eyes lock with Jinyoung’s immediately. They always have a way of finding each other and getting lost in each other’s gazes. Even after all these years of looking at Jaebeom, looking into his eyes - Jinyoung always finds himself falling in love a little more every time. Jaebeom is still panting from running, hair slightly sweaty and matted to his forehead but Jinyoung has never seen someone so beautiful.

“Hey, you made it,” his voice wavers and he lets out wet laughter, tears springing to his eyes in pure happiness. Jaebeom’s arms are around him as soon as he can squeeze into the small space between the door and the wooden frame. His wide shoulders bump against the wood and it must be uncomfortable as hell but he doesn’t let go, not when Jinyoung’s finally here with him again.

“I love you,” the older manages between chuckles against his neck.

In an instant, warmth explodes from where they’re touching, seeping through Jinyoung’s skin and travelling all the way to his heart which melts. He grips Jaebeom’s coat, hands wringing tightly in the material and refusing to let go.

“I love you, too,” Jinyoung whispers and it’s the truest thing he’s ever said. Because loving Jaebeom has always been second-nature to him and it’ll never change for as long as he lives. His tears are spilling down his cheeks in little drops and Jaebeom wipes them away with his thumb, eyes fond and so full of love.

"Kiss! Kiss, you cowards!" comes a yell from behind them and they jump, clearly forgetting other people were in the room with them. It's Jackson, cheeky grin on his lips as he points the top of the door frame. Jaebeom furrows his eyebrows and looks to Jinyoung, who shyly bites his lip and looks up.

Jaebeom moves them further into the dorm so that he can close the door and also see what the hell Jackson is pointing at. He looks up, hands still intertwined with Jinyoung’s and he can’t believe his friends.

It’s a mistletoe, red ribbon around fresh green leaves and all.

"You can always kiss my hand instead if you don't want to...y'know," Jinyoung mumbles to him, finger moving up to touch his lips. He had misinterpreted Jaebeom's confusion for hesitation and Jaebeom will have none of that, not anymore.

So he surges forward and grabs Jinyoung’s hand, pulling it away from his lips before replacing it with his own. Jinyoung gasps and he hears Bambam squeal behind them but he doesn’t care, only focusing on Jinyoung and his soft, pink lips. Then Jinyoung starts to kiss back and he melts into it, lips moulding against each other’s and it’s everything Jaebeom had hoped for and more.

Jinyoung's arms go to cradle the sides of his face and pull him even closer, smiling into the kiss and Jaebeom feels himself smiling, too. They part when their friends erupt into cheers and whooping, random squeals of ‘JJ!' and ‘My parents, bitch!' from Jackson, Yugyeom and Bambam adding to the noise.

“Would you have rathered I kissed your hand, Nyoung-ah?” Jaebeom asks, falling into his normal routine of teasing so easily.

“No, that’s why I won’t be accepting kisses on my hand from now on,” Jinyoung winks and Jaebeom falls just a little more in love. He takes Jinyoung’s hand and they move to the couch, where Jaebeom makes a round of hugging all of his friends who welcome him back.

Bambam makes kissy faces at him while Jackson imitates their romantic reunion with Youngjae, who’s playing Jinyoung and gets pulled into Jaebeom’s ( Jackson’s ) arms. Jaebeom lets them because he loves his friends and has missed them all, too. Plus, he knows they’ve all played their part in cheering Jinyoung up and for that, he’ll be eternally grateful.

When he and Mark finish up their hug, he plops back down on the couch where Jinyoung has saved him a seat. Jinyoung immediately lays his head on his chest and he wraps an arm around the younger's shoulder, hand going to play with the loose thread on his sweater. Even as Jinyoung jokes with Jackson and teases Yugyeom, he stays curled up against Jaebeom's side for the rest of the time they spend on the couch, hand sometimes laying against his thigh or intertwined with his own.

They don't say anything but it's comfortable and natural in a way he can't explain - like they're right where they belong. And he realises, while his parents have always been a pillar of support, Jinyoung has always been his home -the one person he keeps coming back to and will always find comfort and refuge in.

He’s not just in Seoul, not just in some university’s dorm with his friends and his boyfriend at his side. Not anymore.

He’s home.  

Notes:

So I kinda dove into this with better planning and much more consideration than I had for my first and ongoing book, though I did get lost in some parts of the whole flow of the thing. It's my first shot at heavier angst and then trying to make it into a happy ending so I hope you guys enjoy it :)

I also wanted something to do with a miracle in a way so I came up with this plot that hopefully ties up with the request. It's a Christmas special with lots of emotion put into writing it and yeah - hope it's enjoyable :)

Merry Christmas xx