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The rain pattered down on the steps of the home you tried to forget long ago. It held ill memories of past times, the years of your primary were now closed behind walls you never dared to open. It was difficult, yet worthwhile to both your mental state and your education that you left for America all those years ago, yet you always knew you were fated to return. This just happened to be the second year of your higher education, your high school years as it was called in America. But alas, those systems and standardized exams were behind you and now you were back in Japan, clutching at the suitcases you held at your sides.
Your bare feet sliding on the old wooden floorboards, home just as you left it but still you're shaken…
The key turned and you slowly stepped inside the all too familiar home. You took off your shoes that were barely soaked from the downpour outside, which left glistening drops in your hair and on your clothing where the umbrella hadn't covered. It was difficult to manage holding two suitcases and an umbrella at once... If only he had been there to help like he always used to be. Stepping onto the wooden floors, you feel the familiar temptation to slide across them onto the kitchen tiles in your fuzzy socks you had on all Winter, remembering the joy it used to bring you when no one was there to criticize you on your childlike tendencies.
Home just as you left it, but still you're shaken… Like walking into a museum somehow out of time…
Looking around, you found that nearly everything was the same since you left. However, the walls were bare of any family photos. It wasn't like there were many anyways, they were always overly conservative, especially when it came to their child. Now the few pictures that were there had vanished, as well as their presence. No longer would you feel the torment, the pressure of their expectations and disappointment when you couldn't possibly meet them. They were gone.
It's all the same except the [child] in the hallway… Where [they’ve] been and who [they] will ripen into…
Taking your bags upstairs, you walked into your room. They changed it, making it more modern than a child’s bedroom. You heard they were using it as a guest room while you were gone. It's not like you had family other than them, if you did, you wouldn't be here… alone. You couldn't decide if that was a good or bad thing.
Setting everything down at the foot of your bed, you see the mirror still nestled into the corner between the window and dresser. You look at your oversized hoodie and white-washed jeans, which were both damp with the rain that still pattered against your window. The worn pair of converse on your feet had sharpie covering the sides where you doodled on them whenever you got bored, and you wondered how they would react if they saw… Shoving away those thoughts, you ran a hand through your tousled hair and stepped away from the mirror, leaving the room.
Your childhood’s on the other side of a sprawling divide… Too wide…
Hearing the doorbell ring, confusion slipped across your features. Who would be here? You just got back to this horrible place, who would know you've returned? Unless they were still here…
Take a silent breath…
Walking to the door, you hesitated with your hand on the lock. Was this really a good idea? You just stepped food in a country you haven't been in for three years and someone rang the doorbell less than 20 minutes after you returned to this house. Being cautious, you slowly turned the lock and opened the door, looking up to see who was on your doorstep.
Hold in the change…
Your eyes met bright green ones. Recognition instantly hit as you scanned the features on the male’s face who was before you. You recognized the long eyelashes, the dark lash line, the thin yet perfectly tinted lips, the jet black hair that was barely curled but not considered wavy or coiled.
“Akaashi..?”
The name slipped from your lips before you could hold yourself back. Slow blinks came from him before he could let a small smile come to his lips. You felt yourself suddenly hold your breath, yet you couldn't find an explanation as to why.
“Three years feels like a long time, doesn't it?”
His voice filled your ears and you found yourself simply looking at him, taking in the change that has occurred. You've gotten older and more mature, sure, but so has he . He's more chiseled, clearly holding more muscle than when you last saw each other three years ago. His clothes were more fitted to his body, his jawline sharper and cheekbones higher. You could practically see his perfectly flat stomach, but you didn't let your eyes wander too far so you didn't make the situation any more awkward than it already was.
“Can I come in..?”
Blinking slowly, you quickly released the breath you forgot you had been holding and instantly stepped aside, letting him in.
Tell yourself you still live here…
“Sorry, it's just a lot to take in. The house hasn't changed much at all since they left…”, You said quietly, closing and locking the door after he stepped in and took off his shoes, neatly placing them beside yours. You looked at the size difference, remembering how you two would always compare shoe sizes to see who was getting bigger faster when you were children. He obviously won that race.
“I could understand that, it should feel like it's supposed to be harder than it actually is to walk these halls again, right?” Akaashi's voice travelled to your head like a melody. You never realized how soft, yet deep his voice was evolving to until now.
Take your bags upstairs… It's the only way you'll get through today…
“I guess you could say that,” You replies with a small, broken laugh leaving your lips as you carefully stepped past him into the living room. You slowly sat down on the couch and took a deep breath, looking up at the ceiling and letting your hands land in your lap. You had been biting your fingernails the entire time on the plane due to the stress and anxiety of being back and you were starting to feel those emotions emerge once more.
“I took my bags upstairs already… They changed my room. Took out all the stuff from my childhood and made it like they always hoped I'd turn out,” You muttered out, your voice barely loud enough to carry to the other end of the couch. Yet, Akaashi seemed to pick it up.
Count the hours…
He slowly sat down next to you, leaning back on the couch and looking up at the ceiling, identical to how you were. Glancing over at him, you took in his older features once more before looking back up. You could already feel the walls crumbling down like they always did whenever he was around. You bit your lip, holding everything back and trying desperately to rebuild those walls.
“How long have you been in Japan?” Akaashi asked after a few minutes of silence and you trying desperately to gather yourself and not let anything loose.
Glancing at your watch, you let out a sigh before letting your arm fall back to your lap and your gaze return to the ceiling. “3 hours… it feels so much longer.”
“It always has, especially when you're alone. You told me that once, when we were younger,” He slowly turned his emerald eyes onto you and you knew if you looked back he'd break the walls fully. You stared up at the ceiling desperately, trying to hide all emotion from surfacing. “Time always flies when we’re together, but apart it'd drag on for as long as it could.”
Take a shower… Wash yourself away…
The memory of that time resurfaced, when you told Akaashi that being with him was the only happiness and 'fun’ you were able to have and feel in those troubling times. Slowly, you let your gaze meet his and without realizing it initially, tears fell from your eyes. You saw the concern flash across his features before realization and understanding hit. Looking down, you let the tears hit your hands and wash away any dirt or dust that had appeared after touching doorknobs and switches of the empty house. Arms wrapped around you and the soothing hold brought forth more and more, causing soft sobs to quietly leave your lips. Wrapping your arms around him in return, you let yourself release all the rent up emotions into his chest, accidentally causing a section of his shirt to become damp. You'd lend him a hoodie later to cover it up when he went home if he decided not to stay the night with you.
The house is pulsing with an alien heartbeat… Was it always there but you never listened?
“I'm sorry…” You whispered as you calmed down. You had been pulled into his lap a while ago, you couldn't pinpoint exactly when. Your heart fell to his shoulder and you let your eyes stare at your hands, which were very carefully clutching at his shirt. It was like you were holding him there so he didn't disappear.
“Don't apologize, it's not your fault,” Akaashi whispered back just as quietly as you initially had. “I've always been there for you, haven't I? And I'm going to be here for you now… and remember, every time you apologize for these sorts of things, you owe me a cup of tea,” He teased as his hand made its way to your hair, gently playing with your soft locks.
It's calling you to be the [child] you were, way back then… Again.
“I remember,” You replied with a soft, weak laugh. You'd have to make him that cup of tea soon, but you were quite comfortable and comforted. You didn't want to move and ruin the moment. “I wonder what I would have told myself all those years ago when I left… If someone told me I'd be returning, I don't know what I'd say or do.”
Silence followed before his voice finally spoke, quieter than before. “This may be selfish, but I've always wished you'd come back… despite the letters, I missed you a lot.”
You looked up at him with surprise, to which he quickly turned his face away so you couldn't see what expression he had. “You missed me? After what I did?”
You remember how you announced to him that you were leaving. Your suitcases were in your hands and you suddenly showed up at his doorstep. You weren't there for more than 5 minutes and the hurt in his face never left your memory. You wanted to apologize, but you didn't know how.
“Of course I did, how could I not miss you?” Akaashi asked, finally turning his face back towards you. You felt his grip tighten ever so slightly and you felt one arm of his slip to your waist while the other stayed wrapped around your shoulders. “We were friends for so long, sure it was a shock when you suddenly told me you were leaving, but I missed you since you left my doorstep… My parents got pissed at how I stayed in my room for the days following and wouldn't put effort into my studies as much as they wanted me to.”
Take a silent breath…
Surprise flickered across your face again as you listened and the breath slowly left your lips. Your eyes blinked slowly as you processed everything, never realizing until now how hard it must have been for him. You always focused in yourself, did you? Yet, he was almost always the one you thought about.
“I-”
“Don't apologize,” He suddenly said, cutting you off. You simply blinked and closed your lips. It was like he could read your mind. You didn't know whether to me impressed or scared at his ability to do so after all these years.
Hold in the change…
“Sure, it hurt. But I couldn't stop thinking about how you were doing. America is so far away and I know you must have had the news suddenly sprung onto you as well, so I held my own emotions back as best as I could and focused on what I'd say once you came back.” Akaashi looked down at his lap and took a deep breath before closing his eyes, his eyelashes draping across his cheeks.
“What did you want to say to me..?” You finally asked after a minute or two of silence. Somehow, those silent moments were never awkward between the two of you. They never have been. Curiosity got the best of you, however, as did the hammering in your chest.
“I wanted to confess.”
Blinking slowly, you looked up at Akaashi with a mix of confusion and astonishment on your features. What else were you supposed to do?
“I’m-”
“Don't apologize.” It was your turn to cut Akaashi off, not letting him say the two words. It was habit between the two of you rather than something spontaneous.
“Don't apologize…” You slowly looked down at your hands again, feeling heat rise to your cheeks that you tried to conceal by hiding your face against his shoulder. “There's no need to apologize… I missed you too. More than you could imagine.”
A smile crossed Akaashi's lips and you slowly looked up at him, finding the reason why you missed him so much after all these years. You missed him for the same reason he missed you. Despite everything you had gone through, you both had each other.
Time passed, conversations struck that night. He stayed over, laying in the same bed as you wearing a t-shirt and sweatpants that were way too big for you that you had found in your dresser. Somehow they fit him almost perfectly. You laid in his arms as the starlight and the moon casted perfect shadows over his sleeping face. You wondered what you must have said or did in order to be this lucky. You thanked whoever helped you make this happen before you closed your eyes and left yourself drift off to sleep as well, staying as close to him as you could.