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“Come on, Rafael, it will be fun.” Olivia attempted to persuade him for the dozenth time.
“It concerns me what your definition of fun is,” he said from across her, pretending to still read over the casefile she’d handed him even though he’d lost his place when she started bugging him again about the stupid trip.
Olivia rolled her eyes. “That would be believable if I didn’t already know that you go skiing all the time.” She was exaggerating of course, he’d been on exactly one ski trip in the entire time they’d known each other, but that wasn’t important right now.
“Yeah because Gstaad and the Poconos are the same thing. And it’s not the skiing part that I was talking about. I spend enough time with you people, we don’t need to start taking vacations together.” Rafael finally looked up from his file. “And Dodds is letting you all run off at the same time? You’re just giving New York’s sexual predators a free weekend?”
She gave him an annoyed look, but wasn’t going to let him insult his way out of this. “Quinn’s arrest,” she nodded toward the case file in his hand, “closed our last active and it’s only for three days. We’ll go up on Friday and come back on Sunday. Besides, Fin will be here to hold down the fort because, as he says, skiing is ‘white people nonsense.’”
Rafael huffed a laugh before he could stop himself, but immediately reset his mouth in a straight line. “Just because you don’t have cases, doesn’t mean I don’t.” He held up the file as an example. “When your part ends, I’m just getting started.”
“Thank you so much for explaining that to me. I’ve wondered for over two decades what happens to these guys after we arrest them.” She rolled her eyes again and Rafael wondered if he hadn’t been a terrible influence on her. “And I know for a fact that after you arraign Quinn tomorrow, you don’t have any trials starting until the new year.”
Rafael silently cursed Carmen, but even if she hadn’t ratted out his schedule to Liv, the Lieutenant was right, she’d been doing this a long time and she knew that the courts were pretty much dead in the month of December. Judges loved their long holiday vacations.
“Carisi will be there.” Olivia added casually when he didn’t respond.
He forced himself to remain unphased. “I’m not entirely sure why you think that’s going to help your case.”
Liv just tilted her head at him with a “please, I’m not an idiot” look on her face, and that’s how Rafael found himself in the Poconos, checking into a ski lodge with the SVU squad - sans Fin, the lucky bastard - plus Lucy, Jesse, and Noah.
The car ride alone had made him regret his decision with its horrible children’s music and Noah incessantly asking ridiculous question after ridiculous question. He was grateful that Rollins, Carisi, and Jesse had taken a separate car. If there had been two children prattling in the backseat he probably would have jumped from the moving vehicle.
After check in he managed to extricate himself from the group, going up to his room to drop off his bags and to enjoy a moment of silence. After neatly putting his clothes away and selecting a book - he’d brought a few from his ever growing To Be Read pile, happy to finally have a chance to crack them open - he made his way back down stairs. He stopped by the bar for a hot toddy (his way of getting into the vacation spirit) before settling into a large, overstuffed chair near the roaring fireplace in the lodge’s great room.
The room was gorgeous all on its own, but now, decorated for Christmas, it was like something out of a movie. Evergreen, lights, and holly covered nearly every surface but still managed to be tasteful. And in the corner, the tallest Christmas tree Rafael had ever seen outside of Rockefeller Center stood, beautifully covered in hundreds of lights. He wasn’t one to usually get caught up in the Christmas spirit, but even Rafael had to admit that it made the trip a little more magical.
He’d barely read a paragraph when a familiar shadow fell over the pages of his book. “You’re not skiing, Counselor?”
Rafael eyes rose to find Carisi leaning on a snowboard and wearing a bright blue parka and black ski pants. “No, I don’t ski.”
“But I thought skiing was your thing? Lieu said you go a lot,” Carisi said although, now that he thought about it, Barba hadn’t taken a vacation in the entire three and a half years Sonny had been on the squad.
“Why is Liv perpetuating this myth that I’m a ski bunny?” Rafael felt a little thrill when Carisi’s cheeks pinked up at the thought. “I’ve gone on a few ski vacations, but do you know what I do on those trips?”
Sonny shook his head and Rafael held up the book and his drink in response. “I like the atmosphere of the lodge. I do not like falling on my face in the snow.”
Sonny chuckled at the image. “You never did strike me as the athletic type.” Rafael figured he should be offended, but couldn’t manage it since it was completely true. “I think the others are out building a snowman if that’s more your speed.” The grin on his face told Rafael that he knew damn well that it absolutely was not.
“I think I’ll pass.” He said diplomatically, taking a sip of his drink that had cooled while they talked.
Sonny laughed again, picking up his snowboard. “Well, I’m going to make a few runs before it gets dark. Enjoy your book, Counselor.”
Rafael nodded, but he watched as Sonny walked across the room, only returning his eyes to the page once the detective was out of sight.
That evening at dinner in the lodge’s restaurant Rafael ended up seated next to Sonny, and if the not-so-subtle glances shared by the three women on the trip were any indication, it was planned that way. Maybe he should have joined them on their snowman building expedition if for no other reason than to prevent them from talking and conspiring about him.
But truthfully, other than being annoyed at Liv et al. for trying to play matchmaker, he didn’t mind. It placed the children at the opposite end of the table and, even though he’d never admit it, Carisi wasn’t the worst conversation partner.
“So, how was snowboarding?” Rafael asked Sonny after everyone had their drinks and had placed their orders.
Sonny looked surprised that Rafael would ask anything at all about his day, but answered just the same. “It was good. I haven’t been in awhile, so I was a bit rusty, but it all came back. Muscle memory I guess.”
Rafael took a sip of scotch, giving himself a moment to quit thinking about Carisi’s muscles. “Do you do any tricks?” God, he was so lame, but Carisi laughed and the sight of his dimples had Rafael’s cheeks feeling warm for a reason other than embarrassment.
“No, no. Strictly downhill. I mean, I screwed around on the halfpipe when I was teenager, but now I’d probably break every bone in my body.”
Rafael was starting to think he’d maybe had too much to drink because hearing the words ‘screwed,’ ‘bone,’ and ‘body,’ come out of Sonny’s mouth had a flush creeping up the back of his neck. He reached for his water glass instead of scotch this time, hoping it would somehow magically stop his body from behaving like that of a teenager.
He was saved from any further embarrassment by their food arriving and he appreciatively eyed the steak on his plate before stealing a glance at Sonny’s fettuccine. “Do you ever eat anything that isn’t a carb?” It was genuine curiosity and a little bit of jealousy that had him asking. It wasn’t fair that his entire diet was starch based and yet he stayed thin as a rail.
“There’s food that isn’t carbs?” Sonny asked around a mouthful of pasta and Rafael laughed, an honest genuine laugh, catching Olivia’s eye at the other end of the table. She grinned at him, tossing him a wink, and he rolled his eyes, but the smile stayed in place as he turned back to Sonny.
The next morning Rafael was back in his chair in the great room, book in hand, steaming coffee on the end table next to him, but he couldn’t say he was all that annoyed by the interruption when Carisi flopped down in the chair next him, paper coffee cup in hand.
“Mornin’, Counselor.”
Marking his place in the book before closing it, Rafael looked over at him and felt his pulse quicken at the sight of Sonny Carisi in dark jeans and a soft, navy blue sweater, hair pushed back loosely from his forehead with only the smallest amount of product. He knew his reaction couldn’t be blamed on alcohol this time, but thankfully he was able to find his voice before he stared too long. “I think, while we’re on this trip, you can call me Rafael.”
Carisi smiled over his coffee cup. “I will if you call me Sonny.”
“Counselor it is then.” Rafael said dryly, opening up his book again.
“Oh, hey, is that The Fifth Assailant?” Sonny asked enthusiastically. “Can’t believe I didn’t notice yesterday.”
“Yes, my curiosity was piqued during the trial, but I only really had time to skim it, and that was more for trial prep than actual enjoyment.” He decided to leave out the fact that Carisi’s enthusiasm over the book was part of what had drawn him to it.
Carisi leaned over the arm of his chair, trying to see where exactly Barba was in the book. “Have you gotten to the part yet where-”
“Carisi,” Barba cut him off, “I very rarely get to read for pleasure, so please don’t ruin this book for me. I promise we can discuss it once I’m finished.”
“Really?” Sonny looked surprised and a bit skeptical.
Rafael didn’t get a chance to answer because just then Liv and Amanda approached them dressed for a day on the slopes.
“Hey, guys!” Olivia greeted them brightly and Rafael thought it was the most rested and relaxed he’d seen her in a long time.
“Lucy has the kids this morning so we’re going to get in some skiing,” Amanda told them. “Barba, I know you’re probably out, but Sonny, want to join us?”
Sonny glanced at Barba, who seemed to be back to reading his novel, before looking back up at his colleagues. “Actually, I tweaked my ankle on my last run yesterday, so I should probably stay off the slopes.”
“Oh,” Olivia raised an eyebrow. “You didn’t mention it at dinner last night. Are you okay?”
“Oh, yeah, I’m fine.” Sonny assured them. “It’s nothing major, just wouldn’t want to make it any worse, ya know?”
“Of course.” Amanda agreed, a smile tugging at her lips. “Better to be safe.”
After they’d gone Rafael and Sonny sat in a comfortable silence, Rafael reading and Sonny playing on his phone while he sipped his coffee. Well, maybe comfortable wasn’t the right word, since Rafael was acutely aware of every move Sonny made, watching from the corner of his eye as he brought the cup to his lips, trailing his eyes down the column of his throat as he swallowed. He tried to force himself to pay attention to the words in front of him, but he only managed to read the same sentence over and over without ever actually processing it.
Finally, taking the final sip of his coffee, Sonny looked over at him. “You want to go for a walk? They’ve got some great trails here.”
“I thought you hurt your ankle?” Rafael asked, a knowing smile on his face, and Carisi just shot him a look. Rafael sighed. “I suppose I should go outdoors at least once on this trip.”
Sonny beamed. “Great.”
They made their way upstairs, ducking into their rooms to grab coats and scarves, before meeting in the hallway. Sonny was wearing the same parka as the day before and had paired it with a black scarf and beanie. He was surprised to see Rafael in a puffy black coat, having never seen him wear anything but trenches and peacoats.
“Your ears are going to fall off.” Sonny told him, slipping back into his room and returning with a dark gray beanie. “Here.” Before Rafael could protest he stepped forward and slipped the hat over Rafael’s hair, covering the tips of his ears.
“I’m certain I look ridiculous,” Rafael complained, adjusting the hat, but not taking it off, much to Sonny’s delight.
What he looked was completely adorable, but Sonny could never tell him that. “No, you look warm,” he said instead. “Ready?”
“I suppose,” Rafael replied unenthusiastically. “Just please don’t get us lost.”
Sonny stuck to the easier trails, the flatter ones carved through the woods for the purpose of simply enjoying nature rather than those meant to challenge one’s physical endurance. They passed a few families and couples, but for the most part it was as if they had the entire forest to themselves.
They took their time, chatting along the way, first about work, but then segueing into other things. Sonny had plenty of outrageous stories about his sisters and Rafael found that Bella, the only one whom he’d met, seemed to be the most normal of the three.
“So, wait, which fiance was this?” Rafael asked, cheeks and nose pink from the cold.
“Um,” Sonny had to think a minute, “I believe it was number four, the juggler.”
Rafael laughed, “I didn’t even think a person could make a living as juggler.”
“Trust me, he didn’t.”
They reached a small clearing and Sonny nodded his head toward their left. “This is what I wanted you to see.”
Rafael turned and his breath caught in his throat. They were above the resort now, the grade of the trail had been so slight he hadn’t even realized how high they were climbing, and beyond the skiers and snowboarders enjoying themselves they could see the rest of the mountain range, beautifully covered in snow and a groves of evergreens.
“This is beautiful. Thanks for-” He turned just in time to get pelted by a snowball.
Sonny was trying his best not to laugh. “I’m sorry, I just couldn’t resist.”
Once the initial shock at Carisi’s audacity wore off, Rafael’s need for revenge took over. He bent, scooping up a handful of snow and forming it into a ball before flinging it in Sonny’s direction. Given his aforementioned lack of athletic ability, the snowball sailed wide and this time Sonny wasn’t strong enough to keep in his laughter.
He was practically wheezing as Rafael approached him, working another snowball together in his hands, but he froze when Rafael stopped in front of him, nearly toe to toe. “Good thinking, you should be able to hit me from this close.” He tried for the joke, but it came out stilted.
Without a word Rafael rose up on his toes and Sonny swore he was going to kiss him, his eyes had even begun to flutter closed, but then they jerked back open when he felt the cold burn of snow on his neck and down his back from where Rafael had dropped the snowball inside the back of his coat. “What the fuck? Oh my God!”
It was Rafael’s turn to laugh as Sonny bounced around, trying to shake the snow from inside his parka. That was until Sonny tripped on a small limb that was on the ground and reached out for Rafael’s arm to steady himself, but only managed to pull them both down into the snow.
Rafael landed on Sonny’s chest with an “Oof,” as he felt the air escape from his lungs and they both lay still for a moment trying to get their breath back.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…” Sonny said once his lungs had reinflated.
“No, no, it’s fine. I should-” Rafael managed to prop himself up on one elbow, but that was as far as he got. Hovering this close, looking at Sonny’s blue eyes, darker now surrounded by the white of the snow, his cheeks reddened with more than just the cold, Rafael couldn’t seem to move away. Instead his face inched ever closer, until Sonny could feel the warmth of his breath ghosting over his lips. “Is this o-”
He didn’t get to finish because Sonny lifted his head, closing the distance between them and putting a gloved hand on the back of Rafael’s neck to hold him close as he pressed their lips together. It wasn’t perfect as far as first kisses go, their lips were dry from the frigid air and the cold snow was starting to seep through their clothing, but Rafael wouldn’t have changed it for anything.
Smiling, he pulled way then placed another quick peck on Sonny’s lips before speaking. “I am all for continuing this, but can we please do it somewhere warm ?”
“Here you go, hot apple cider.” Sonny handed him a steaming mug and kept one for himself as he took a seat facing Rafael, one long leg tucked up underneath him. They were back in the great room, but this time on a small sofa, tucked away in a alcove. It was somewhat private, but didn’t carry the pressure of being alone in one of their rooms.
“Thanks,” Rafael accepted the drink gratefully, wrapping his hands around the mug for warmth. His teeth had finally stopped chattering, but he was pretty sure he was destined to live the rest of his life as a block of ice.
“Here.” Sonny sat his mug down on the coffee table and reached for the afghan that was draped over the back of the couch, wrapping it around Rafael’s shoulders. “Better?” he asked, running his hands up and down Rafael’s arms over the blanket.
“Yes, thanks.” Rafael answered huskily and suddenly all he wanted more than anything was to kiss Sonny again.
Sonny must have read the look in his eyes or become compelled by an urge of his own because he did just that, leaning in to first place a soft kiss below his ear, working his way along his jaw before finally capturing his lips.
“Much better,” Rafael said with a smile, his eyelids slowly opening when Sonny pulled away.
“Good. We can’t have you freezing to death. Not when I’m finally getting to kiss you.” He picked up his mug again to avoid looking at Rafael, slightly embarrassed by the admission.
“Finally?” Rafael asked casually.
Sonny tilted his head at him. “You’re way too smart and observant not to know that I’ve wanted to kiss you practically since we met.”
“I knew no such thing.” He was being honest. There were times when he’d thought maybe Carisi had wanted him, but so often it seemed to be hero worship rather than attraction. The detective tripped all over himself anytime a professional he admired walked into the precinct and Rafael had just assumed he wasn’t any different.
That was until lately. Sonny still strove for Rafael’s approval, but they were more on equal ground. He was willing to disagree with Rafael, to argue when he felt that he was right, and even though he’d thought it was wishful thinking, the fire in Sonny’s eyes held a little bit something more than just passion for the subject matter.
“Well, I did,” Sonny said, taking a sip of his cider, and Rafael admired the way his cheeks flushed pink at the confession.
“So did I, so badly.” Rafael leaned forward, tasting the cider on Sonny’s lips. “So tell me more about this crush you’ve had on me for years.”
“Crush?” Sonny put on a look of confusion. “I don’t believe I ever said the word crush.”
And that’s how they spent their afternoon and the better part of their evening, talking, teasing, and laughing. And kissing. Sometimes kissing more than talking. They couldn’t help it. Sonny would be in the middle of telling Rafael a story about when he was still in uniform, and he’d stop mid sentence, unable to go any longer without pressing his lips against Rafael’s. It made all of their stories take twice as long, but neither of them cared.
They’d each received texts, Rafael from Olivia and Sonny from Amanda, inquiring about dinner plans, but they’d both made their excuses, neither wanting to burst the bubble that they were currently living in. But eventually Sonny’s stomach growled and they both found that they couldn’t remember the last time they’d eaten.
“We could get room service.” Rafael suggested casually even though his heart pounded nervously in his chest.
Sonny’s eyes widened and he swallowed before answering. “Uh, yeah, that sounds good.”
The ride up to their floor was silent, both of them excited and nervous about what was potentially about to happen, but when the doors opened Rafael took his hand, threading their fingers together and leading him to his room.
Once inside he gave Sonny a soft kiss before letting go of his hand and walking over to pull the room service menu off of the small table in the sitting area of his suite. “What are you in the mood for?”
“Oh, um.” Sonny was caught off guard, not expecting to actually order food. Maybe it hadn’t been a ruse, maybe Rafael was just hungry. He decided to take a chance. “You?”
Rafael closed the menu and looked up at him with a grin, surprised and amused by Sonny’s brazenness. “Well, I thought maybe you’d want something to get your strength up, but if you want to skip straight to dessert that’s fine by me.”
He tossed the menu back on the table just as Sonny crossed the room, taking his face in both hands and crashing their lips together in a way he’d wanted to do all afternoon, in a way that probably would have gotten them kicked out of the hotel if he’d done it in the middle of the great room.
Rafael moaned, parting his lips to allow Sonny to lick into his mouth and fisting his hands in the soft wool of Sonny’s sweater, and Sonny took it as encouragement, walking them back until Rafael’s legs hit the bed, both of them tumbling down onto the mattress.
The first time it was hurried and frantic, years of built up tension and desire manifesting itself, both of them finishing quickly with the slightest touches of hand and mouth. But not the second time. The second time they moved more slowly, building one another back up with languid kisses and the lightest of touches, and when Sonny moved inside of him, Rafael couldn’t remember ever feeling that good and was pretty sure he never would again.
He came with Sonny buried inside of him and Sonny’s name on his lips. Not detective, not Carisi, but “Sonny,” whispered low and rough almost as if a prayer, and the look in Sonny’s eyes, pupils blown with desire, when he said it was enough to make Rafael’s heart burst.
“Sonny,” he sighed again, happily, just so Sonny would keep looking at him that way, digging his fingers into pale hips, urging Sonny along. “Sonny, Sonny, Sonny…” He chanted, soft and low, feeling Sonny’s thrusts grow ever harder and deeper with every recitation.
Sonny cried out and Rafael could feel him pulsing inside of him as he came. Sonny dipped his head, drinking a kiss from Rafael’s lip as his body continued to shudder with his release, and Rafael found himself wanting this night to never end.
Rafael awoke to someone knocking on the door. He groaned, moving to get out of bed, but was distracted by the sight of Sonny’s silver streaked blonde hair on his pillow and his smooth, bare back on display where the sheet had come down. He felt an urge to place his lips there, between shoulder blades and across creamy skin and firm muscle, but the damn knocking continued.
“Rafael!”
“I’m coming.” He growled and envied Sonny’s ability to sleep through the noise as he belted the hotel robe around him.
He opened the door just wide enough to see who was on the other side, keeping the bed from view.. “What?”
“You’re not answering your phone.” Olivia told him.
“Because I was sleeping, like most people are at whatever ungodly hour it is.” And honestly he didn’t even know where his phone was at the moment.
“Eleven a.m.?” Olivia smirked.
Rafael tried to hide his surprise. He hadn’t slept that late since, well ever, but it had been after five by the time he and Sonny had finally gone to sleep, exhaustion finally winning over their desire for one another.
“Rough night?” Olivia continued when he said nothing, even though he didn’t look hungover, just tired.
“Something like that.” He scrubbed a hand over his face. “What do you want?”
“Oh,” she said like she’d just remembered the reason for her visit. “The weather is supposed to get bad in a few hours so we’re thinking we should head out sooner than we planned. Is an hour enough time for you?”
“Sure,” he agreed if for no other reason than to get her to leave.
“Great.” She turned to go and he started to close the door, but she spun back around, a glint in her eye. “You haven’t seen Carisi, have you? He’s not answering his phone either.”
“Why would I have seen him?” he asked just to avoid answering her question.
“I wouldn’t know,” Olivia responded innocently, “but if you do, let him know the change of plans, will you?”
“Fine, whatever.” Rafael closed the door before she could say anything else and when he turned back around Sonny was propped up on his elbows, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “Good morning.” Rafael smiled, rejoining him on the bed and placing a kiss at his temple.
“Who was that?” Sonny asked sleepily, obviously still not fully awake.
“Liv. It’s supposed to snow later so they want to leave in an hour.” Rafael leaned back against the headboard, pulling Sonny over to snuggle up against him, which he did without protest.
“I guess this is it then.” Sonny said quietly, his head resting on the soft terry cloth of Rafael’s robe.
“Yeah.” Rafael ran his fingers through Sonny’s mussed curls. “I guess so.” As much as he had resisted it in the beginning, he was disappointed to see this trip end.
Sonny took a deep breath, steeling himself before sitting up to face Rafael. “It was pretty great for a minute though, right?”
Rafael felt his stomach drop. “Wait, what?”
“I mean, the snow and the lodge and and the Christmas decorations and everything just kind of made things magical, but it’s not real life. Things can’t be like this when we get back to the city, can it?” Sonny looked at him hopefully.
Rafael thought for a moment. Sonny was right. They’d been dancing around each other for a long time now, but there were reasons they’d never acted on it. Reasons that he couldn’t think of at the moment, but they had to be there. They’d got swept up in the scenery and the romance of the weekend, but all of that would be gone soon. And then what?
“No,” he answered finally. “I suppose you’re right. It can’t.”
And of all the times that Sonny had been desperate for Rafael to tell him that he was right, this was not one of them.
An hour later they stared at each other from across the cars, both of them standing, doors open, but neither willing to be the first one to step inside. They knew as soon as the doors closed behind them, that was it. The weekend would be over and so would they.
“Hey, Rafa, we need to get going.” Olivia said gently from behind the steering wheel.
Rafael took a deep breath, nodding at Sonny who returned the gesture, before climbing into the passenger seat of Liv’s SUV, not watching as Sonny sat behind the wheel of his own car, Amanda in the passenger seat.
“Everything okay?” Olivia asked, starting the engine.
“Yeah, fine.” It didn’t even sound believable to his own ears, but luckily she knew better than to press him on it.
This time he was grateful for kiddie songs and Noah’s questions, even jumping in to answer a few if only for the distraction. It was dark when Olivia dropped him off at his apartment building and where once his apartment offered the solitude that he craved, he now dreaded the thought of the empty rooms. But he had no choice. Nodding at the doorman he pressed the button for the elevator, officially returning to his normal, lonely life.
Rafael was determined to finish the damn book. It had been his one goal for the trip and he hadn’t accomplished it, hadn’t even touched the thing since the morning before he and Sonny had gone on their hike. But now he was taking his Sunday evening to complete it. He wasn’t sure why it mattered so much, it just did.
It had been a week since they’d returned from the Poconos and he and Sonny had managed to keep things professional. They’d returned to calling each other Carisi and Counselor, having left Rafael and Sonny buried beneath the covers of Rafael’s hotel suite, and things had fallen pretty much back into place.
Well, most things. Now when they discussed a case Sonny only gave him the facts without any showboating of his legal knowledge and Rafael accepted the details without any commentary, snarky or otherwise. It was like they’d taken a step back into a place they had never been - strictly colleagues and nothing else.
It was all an act, at least on Rafael’s part, but he knew it was the role he had to play. Teasing and flirting with Sonny and knowing it couldn’t go anywhere would be too painful. At least before there’d always been the potential, the what if, but now he knew. Now he knew that no matter how great they were together, it didn’t matter. It would never work.
But why wouldn’t it work? For the life of him he couldn’t figure it out. The obvious was their jobs, but that could be worked out. Other than that he didn’t know. Unless Sonny had been trying to let him down gently. Maybe he’d only wanted a weekend fling and had found a convenient excuse to not let it go any further than that.
He thought of Sonny’s sad eyes this last week, the way he looked at him longingly across the conference table during briefings. No, those weren’t the looks of someone who had gotten what he wanted. So what were they doing?
Book still in hand, he grabbed his coat and hurried out the door.
It seemed like hours later when the cab finally pulled up in front of Sonny’s apartment building, New York traffic having been exacerbated by the influx of tourists wanting to see the city at Christmas time. But the time waiting hadn’t killed his nerve at all, if anything it had made him more determined.
He was able to avoid using the buzzer by following a food delivery guy into the building and he climbed the four flights to Carisi’s apartment. He’d never been here before, wasn’t even sure how he knew the address, probably having seen it on paperwork or something, and now he hesitated, hoping he wasn’t overstepping his bounds. But he was here and he might as well see it through.
He knocked on the door and the second Sonny opened it Rafael held up his copy of The Fifth Assailant. “All I want is to finish this frickin’ book.”
“What?” Whatever Sonny had been expecting it wasn’t that.
“That’s all,” Rafael continued. “I just want to sit in my apartment and finish a book that isn’t a legal text for the first time in over a year and I can’t. I can’t because every single time I open it, I think of you. Of you kissing me in the snow. Laughing with you in front of the fireplace. Of that night in my room. All of it. I can’t stop thinking about it, about you.
“And I can’t figure out why it had to end when we left. We’re the same people we were up there. Why does the setting get to determine if we’re together or not? My feelings for you didn’t go away when we left that mountain and I’m pretty sure they never will.”
“Damn,” a female voice said, clearly impressed with what she’d heard.
Rafael looked behind Sonny to see Bella standing there, Sonny’s niece on her hip, and it was only then that he noticed the Christmas music playing low, Elvis singing “Here Comes Santa Claus”, and the smell of cookies that wafted through the open doorway. He felt his face burn with embarrassment and was pretty sure the blush went all the way to his toes.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t- I shouldn’t have-” Rafael stuttered and Sonny smiled, enjoying seeing Rafael Barba flustered.
“Bella, go home,” Sonny said, never taking his eyes off of Rafael.
“What? But we’re in the middle of-” Bella protested.
“Go home,” he repeated, finally turning to face her.
Bella huffed and began gathering up her things and Rafael stood awkwardly to the side as Sonny kissed both of them goodbye.
“Nice speech,” she said to Rafael on her way by.
“So, uh, you want to come in?” Sonny asked with a grin once she was gone. Rafael stepped inside, finding a half decorated Christmas tree with boxes of ornaments and bulbs strewn about. “Bella was convinced that putting up a tree and making Christmas cookies would cheer me up.” Sonny explained.
“Cheer you up from what?” Rafael felt awkward and unsure now that Bella’s presence had drained him of his bravado.
Sonny tilted his head. “You have to know the answer to that question.”
Rafael had hoped as much, but he still needed to know for sure. “But you’re the one who said things couldn’t last past the weekend.”
“And you agreed with me.” Sonny said with a small smile.
“Only because I thought that was what you wanted,” he responded truthfully.
“That’s not what I want. At all.” Sonny stepped toward him, taking the book from him and tossing it onto the couch so that he could take both of Rafael’s hands in his, holding them against his chest. “I thought for sure that you’d regret our weekend together, that once we got back you’d remember that I was just that annoying detective that you worked with and I didn’t think I could take it. So I got out while I could.”
Rafael understood. He’d done the whole hurt-them-before-they-hurt-me thing more than his fair share of times.He pulled one of his hands from Sonny’s, reached up to cup his cheek. “I have a few regrets in my life, but know that I could never, and will never, regret being with you.”
Sonny beamed and Rafael ran his thumb over the dimple that appeared before rising up to press his lips against Sonny’s. It had only been a week, but he kissed him like it’d been forever since he’d last had Sonny’s mouth on his, desperate to get ever closer.
It took the sound of the smoke alarm going off to get them to pull apart. “The cookies!” Sonny’s eyes were wide and Rafael laughed as he took off running toward the smoke that was now starting to permeate the apartment.
Rafael made a mental note to get Liv an extra special present that year as a thank you before following his boyfriend into the kitchen.