Work Text:
LANCE POV
Life was good, or let me say has gotten better. When we started this space journey I was not good, well that's kinda not really true. I was so freaking sad, I missed my family, my home. I also really hated that my parents thought I was dead. I really hated everything, I hated myself. I just couldn't help the thoughts that rushed through me head. "they don't need you lance" or my favorite "no one would care if you died lance". Those thoughts were going through my head daily. I was so emotionally exhausted, I really just wanted to end it. Then like a freaking miracle Keith noticed. He noticed how I barley ate and only left the room when there was an emergency.
He noticed, that's all I needed was someone to care. We became so freaking close, I showed him every part of myself, even the parts I didn't like. He was my best friend. But here I am looking at my "best friend" and I want to die all over again. I couldn't even cry, I was just in shock. He basically told me we couldn't be together anymore because he was going to be in the blade of mamora. He just broke it off and left. He didn't say that he loved me or that he'll miss me. He didn't even try cheesy stuff like it's not you it's me. He just left.
It seemed like my whole world was crashing apart. I didn't start crying until I got back to my room. Even then it was just silent tears. Then I proceeded to get mad at myself for not crying more. I was upset but I was still just shocked. I didn't really start crying until I layed down that night and put some music on. It's like the realization smacked me in the face. I started crying so hard that I couldn't even breathe, I was taking little gasp here and there but I really couldn't through my tears. I was hiccuping, I looked in the mirror and I couldn't believe how pathetic I looked. My hair was disheveled and my face was red splotchy from crying.
I didn't want to lay on the bed, that's where me and Keith made very happy memories. In fact just 2 days ago he held me there as I fell asleep. Knowing how much time we spent in this room made me break down more. I didn't want to be alive, I didn't want to be here. I couldn't be here, no matter where I went in the universe I would always be reminded of him. I suddenly felt anger in my blood. He didn't even say anything he just turned and left. I repeated that in my head as I threw my mirror on the floor, I threw everything on the shelves onto the floor. I flipped my nightstand and broke it. And then as I calmed down I just layed on the floor amongst the glass and various items and continued to cry until I couldn't anymore. I eventually fell asleep there. I don't really remember what happened I just know that i woke up surrounded my a big mess. I saw the way I looked in the broken mirror. It just made me want to die more.
I felt so ugly right now, not because I was physically ugly which I was, but just mentally ugly. I had fucked up hair, I had big dark circles under my eyes, my eyes were puffy from crying so much. And my cheeks were raw. But I hated how depressed I was, I hated how Keith did this to me. I was supposed to be strong, I didn't feel strong. I feel like someone just ripped the floor out from underneath me. What's worse is that nobody has come to check on me yet. I have physically been in this room for about 2days and nobody has bothered to even say"Lance are you okay". Nobody cared about me, heck how could I blame them, I didn't even care about me.
I was so close to just grabbing a piece of glass and just ending it. But I was too scared to really die. I kept picturing my mom's face and her beautiful eyes. I kept thinking how disappointed she would be in me. In the end I just managed to pull myself on the bed and just lay there and think about everything.
I really didn't want to be here anymore.