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“I like this song.” Yunho said.
Changmin turned to look at him. “Huh?”
“Before you go. I like this song a lot.”
They were just finished recording and would have a meeting about the concept of the music video this afternoon.
“Yeah. I like it too.”
*
The first time Yunho kissed him was when Changmin crying.
It was two years ago, during the break up, when the trio left them. Changmin was alone in his room, looked out through his opened window, watched the stars in the dark sky.
We had the same dream.
And his tears just fell.
He didn’t hear Yunho came in to his bedroom, sat next to him and put his arms around his shoulder.
“It will be okay, Min-ah.”
Changmin took a deep breath. “But I can’t stop crying… it’s so stupid.” He wiped his tears.
And Yunho touched his chin gently, turned Changmin’s head to face him, before leaned in slowly, gently touched Changmin’s lips with his.
It wasn’t unwelcomed. Changmin let Yunho kissed him. He could feel the soft texture of Yunho’s lips, before the other man’s tongue started to probe at his lower lip. Changmin opened his mouth slightly, and let their tongues touched.
He could taste something salty. Maybe his tears.
“There,” Yunho thumbed Changmin’s wet cheek gently. “You stopped.”
He fell asleep in Yunho’s arms that night.
*
“Go Ara-sshi will be Yunho-sshi’s girlfriend.”
“Okay.”
Changmin didn’t understand.
The song was love song. A song about how a guy let go of his lover. But their music video was about friendship. And in this friendship-themed music video, there would be a love story between Yunho and Ara. The story was even irrelevant to the story of the song.
But he didn’t complain though.
He’d just shut his mouth and be a good kid he was.
*
The first time they had sex was when they moved to their new apartment.
Yunho helped Changmin to do his room, put down the bed, arranged the furniture, and even cleaned his window. That made Yunho’s room abandoned.
Changmin tsked, but he let Yunho slept in his bed that night.
“Can you not face me?” Changmin said to Yunho’s face. “This feels so fucking awkward, Hyung.”
“I always sleep like this.” Yunho said calmly.
Changmin could feel Yunho’s toothpaste-breath on his face. “Well this is my bed. Face the other side.”
“Why can’t I face this side?” Yunho replied lazily.
“Hyung~” Changmin whined.
Yunho had his eyes closed. “Huh.”
Changmin sighed and kneed Yunho.
On the crotch.
He didn’t mean it.
Yunho groaned but then turned to the other direction.
What Changmin didn’t know was Yunho had the same blush on his face and suddenly didn’t feel sleepy anymore.
The next morning, Changmin felt a total hardness pressed on his ass.
Changmin didn’t know where he got this thought but he rubbed his ass against it. But Yunho was awake already and he let out a deep moan, and slowly, he put his arms around Changmin’s waist.
“Hyung…” Changmin whispered.
Yunho shifted closer, his front body in contact with Changmin’s back.
Changmin froze.
And Yunho could feel it. “It’s okay if you don’t-“
“Go lower.” Changmin pushed down Yunho’s hand towards his crotch.
Changmin didn’t regret being a needy slut that time because he received everything he needed and Yunho gave everything he got and the sex was more than satisfactory.
*
“Oppa! You left this…” Ara called them when they finished their lunch. She brought Yunho’s wallet with her.
“Ah! Thank you!” Yunho received the wallet. “How ignorant of me…”
Ara smiled. “Don’t forget it again next time, Oppa.”
“Yes, yes, of course.” Yunho smiled shyly.
“You must be in a hurry, right?” Ara said. “Where are you going now, Oppa?”
“Well, actually we already finished our schedule for today.”
“Oh, have a good rest then, you must be tired. See you later, Oppa!” Ara waved and smiled to Changmin before went back to the restaurant.
“Bye!” Yunho waved back. “She’s such a sweet girl, isn’t she?” they were walking to their van.
“Very pretty too.” Changmin added.
Yunho hummed in agreement.
“I’m not going home tonight. I have a date, Hyung.” Changmin said.
“Okay. Have fun then, Min.”
*
“No, Hyung. It’s okay. You don’t have to come.” Changmin said through the phone.
“Really?”
Actually Changmin wanted Yunho to come. He had no fucking clue what he did. It was the first time he starred in a drama. Well, beside the banjun drama. Or was those things even called drama? “What you’re gonna do here, anyway?”
“Jeju is such a beautiful place. Why can’t I go there?”
“Yeah well, I thought you were busy-“
Yunho laughed. “Are you kidding me, Min? I have all the time in the world! I’ll come tomorrow, okay?”
Changmin bit his lip, tried to hold his smile. “Okay.”
He couldn’t wait until the shooting finished that day so he could go back to the hotel, waiting impatiently for Yunho. His phone vibrated.
Are u miss me, min ah? ;P
From: Yunho
Changmin grinned and typed.
Miss u so much I almost die.
Send to: Yunho
He received the reply almost immediately.
I’ll come tonight then.
From: Yunho
Yunho came that night, Changmin literally pulled him inside the hotel room, slammed the door closed before pushed the leader against it and started to kiss him roughly, ripped Yunho’s shirt like animal.
*
Yunho went out with Ara last night.
“A date?” Changmin asked.
“Kind of.” Yunho replied, sat next to Changmin with his own coffee mug.
“Do you like her?”
“She’s pretty and sweet… and nice.”
Changmin hummed. “Good for you, then.”
*
“I love you.” Drunken Yunho hugged him. “I love you, Min. You’re all that I have.”
Changmin bit his lip to hold his tears. “I love you too, Hyung.” And me too Hyung, have nobody else but you.
He could feel Yunho’s body shivered with emotion. His shoulder where Yunho’s face pressed upon felt hot. Maybe it was Yunho’s breath. Or his tears. Changmin didn’t care. What he wanted to do was just to protect Yunho and go against the world.
Changmin woke up the next morning on Yunho’s bed. The older man was disappeared already. Changmin tried to ignore the hurt in his chest that reminded him what Yunho said last night wasn’t true. The alcohol did the talking.
He didn’t want to get up rightaway. But it was Yunho’s bed. So he sat on the bed, ready to leave but then the leader showed up on the door with two glasses of coffee.
“Good morning, Min-ah.” Yunho walked closer and handed him a glass of coffee.
“Morning,” Changmin mumbled and took a sip.
Yunho sat next to Changmin awkwardly. “So… uh, about last night…”
It’s here, Changmin thought. He should’ve left sooner! “It’s okay, Hyung. I understand that-“
“I mean it, you know.” Yunho cut him.
Changmin almost dropped his coffee.
“I do love you. I mean, how can’t I, when you’re the only one who always be there for me.” Yunho said quietly.
Changmin could feel his heart beating up fast and his body was hot.
“And you… I remember you said that you love me…”
“I mean it too.”
*
“So I will have a kissing scene with Ara.” Yunho repeated.
“Isn’t it a good idea? I think the audience will like it, too.” The MV director stated.
“Umm… so, what do you think, Ara?” Yunho looked at Ara.
“If that’s what the director wanted, then…” Ara tried to look professional.
“What do you think, Min?” Yunho asked Changmin.
“Does it have anything to do with the story?” Changmin raised his eyebrows.
*
Yunho saw Changmin talked to a girl in a corner.
She was pretty. Tall and slim, long brown hair with curls at the ends. Pale skin and big eyes.
Changmin’s girlfriends were always pretty.
Yunho knew what he had with Changmin was…
What was that?
He didn’t even know what it was. He cared a lot for the younger man, and he knew Changmin did too. But…
Changmin had this big grin when he walked to their van and didn’t complain when they had to skip lunch.
*
“Maybe we should see whether it suitable or not.” The director said. “Let’s make it first.”
“I’m sorry, but what do you mean by make it first?” Changmin tried to be polite as possible.
“The kissing scene, Changmin-sshi. Well, not just it, but there are some other scene which could be added to the music video.” He explained.
“Well, why don’t we make what we should make that will appear in the music video, and not waste our time on doing something that-“
Yunho put his hand on Changmin’s arm to stop the younger man.
The director stared at the spot where Yunho’s hand touch Changmin’s. “I understand. But you see, it’s the president order.”
*
Surprisingly, or not, Changmin was the one who ended it.
Or was it Yunho?
“So you like her?” Yunho asked.
Changmin did like her.
Yunho hummed. “It’s okay.”
“I’m sorry, Hyung.” He finally said.
“No. No… I mean… we’re not exclusive anyway.” Yunho muttered.
But why did what Yunho just said hurt his heart somehow? “We’re not exclusive?”
Yunho sighed. “Come on, Changmin. We both know our relationship isn’t healthy.”
“What do you mean isn’t healthy?”
Yunho took a deep breath. “What do you feel towards me, then? Can you think about it? Do you really love me? Do we make love or just fucking?”
Changmin’s fist tightened.
“Min, I just…” Yunho sighed. “It’s already late. Let’s talk about this tomorrow when we-“
“No Hyung.” Changmin said firmly. “Let’s talk about this now. Let’s talk about how you wonder if I really love you. If we’re actually fucking exclusive, or not. Do you really think I’m just playing with you?”
“I just want you to think about it, Min.” Yunho wasn’t wavering under Changmin’s gaze. “We only have each other. We always be with each other. Maybe we just like the idea of the togetherness between us. Maybe we’re just lonely and enjoy other’s companion a lot. It doesn’t mean we actually have feelings like that. Kind of love for lover.”
Changmin couldn’t think that time and he just wanted to slap Yunho hard for his accusing.
“Min-ah, please think about it.” Yunho said again, with softer voice. “I’ll be back, okay.”
Yunho left him alone and came back the next morning.
“I’ve think about it, Hyung.”
Yunho sat next to him on the couch. “Yeah?”
“I think you’re right.”
Changmin did date that girl in the end.
I can’t be that someone you’re dreaming of
You can’t find that kind of love
Even if you leave, just know this before u go
That I was a fool who loved you only
But didn’t know it was becoming an obsession
Yeah, let’s forget everything
Let’s forget
*
“I think you’re already a couple with Ara?” Changmin asked.
“We just go out several times.” Yunho explained.
“You two are dating each other.” Changmin stated.
“Well, not officially dating yet.” Yunho said.
“Ooookay…” Changmin didn’t know what type of guy Yunho was when it came to dating. “Do you want to officially date her, though?”
“Um, I’ve never thought about that actually.” Yunho shrugged.
Changmin furrowed his eyebrows. “Hyung, if you ask her out, isn’t that mean you want to date her?”
Yunho widened his eyes. “Well I thought so.”
Changmin wanted to take Yunho to a hospital to check his brain. Or his mental. “Hyung, you have to think about her feelings too, okay?”
“O- of course.”
*
Yunho caught Changmin kissing his girlfriend in their dorm one night.
Yunho might or might not receive the warning text from Changmin for not to come home that night or Changmin might or might not sent it.
So when Yunho opened the door, this girl was sitting on Changmin’s thighs, straddled him and Changmin had his hands on her waist and back, kissed her thoroughly.
Yunho could step back slowly and went out without a sound. But he was kinda forgot how to breath or blink.
The girl noticed Yunho and almost fell from Changmin’s lap.
“Hyung!” Changmin startled.
“I- I’m sorry!” Yunho quickly ran out from the dorm, and being a clumsy person he was, slipped on high heels on his way.
Yunho pulled down his hat and zipped up his jacket, tried to hide his face, tried to hide his tears he didn’t know rolled down his cheek.
You’re the one who did it. You cut him off. You sent him to be with other girl. You are to blame.
Fuck!
Yunho punched the nearest wall.
Fuck it!
Why did he try to act like a mature person when what he actually wanted was Changmin and Changmin only. Why he pushed him away when Yunho liked things the way it was? The way Changmin moaned under him for more. The way Changmin’s lips touched his. The way Changmin sleep peacefully in his arms in the morning after having sex the night before.
Why did he do that?
Yunho sighed.
He knew it would end anyway. Changmin and him. Of course Changmin needed someone.
A woman.
Changmin needed something his partner could give him; a family, a future... Yunho knew he himself needed it too. If they were still together, it would be no good for both of them. And what made it suck was, Changmin already found his special someone.
And Yunho knew that Changmin preferred her than him.
Congratulations, Jung Yunho. Now you just have to enjoy your lonely miserable life.
Changmin moved on. Yunho had to do exactly the same.
*
Changmin could see that they added a romantic dinner table on the set. All candles and wine and flowers.
And Yunho stupidly brought flowers though there was already some on the table.
And what was with the sunglasses, really?
“Okay, so Yunho-sshi, you can give the flower to Ara-sshi…” the director explained.
Changmin didn’t really pay attention. He was busy criticizing the surroundings.
“… and you can kiss.”
What?
“Okay.” Yunho took the flower and went back to his spot.
“Ara-sshi, you can start with the candles while waiting for your boyfriend.”
Your boyfriend?
“We will start in three… two… one, action!”
Yunho was walking closer to Ara, gave her the flowers, Ara leaned to him, and they kissed.
“Relax a bit, Yunho-sshi, Ara-sshi.”
Take two. Yunho walked again from his spot towards Ara, gave the flower, kissed her…
“Ara-sshi, please put down the lighter first? Okay.”
Take three. Yunho walked to Ara. Ara put down the lighter. They kissed.
For a good fucking fifteen seconds, dammit, Changmin counted.
“Can we repeat that again? Please go back to your spot, Yunho-sshi.”
Take six. Yunho walked with the flowers in his hand. He smiled and gave it to Ara. Ara smelt it (why women always smell flowers? So stupid.) while Yunho looked away shyly.
“Yunho-sshi? Don’t look to other direction. You have to kiss Ara-sshi.”
Great. That was the first time Yunho didn’t get to kiss Ara during the shooting.
After take twenty seven, they took a break.
They had fucking kissing for more than twenty times, shit.
“Your lips must be sore, Hyung.” Changmin commented.
Yunho laughed a little. Then he went to Ara.
Changmin couldn’t hear what they were talking about. But he could see that maybe Yunho apologized to her. And Ara was just nodding, and smiling. And Yunho too, smiling.
The flower and the kiss was just acting, Changmin knew.
But this.
How Yunho looked at Ara, and the way the girl looked back at him. How they exchanged smiles. And Yunho even opened the mineral bottle for Ara. She readjusted Yunho’s tie and Yunho’s hand brushed against hers.
Changmin knew Yunho could see his own reflection by how close they were standing to each other now.
He remembered when he was in that position.
He remembered when he was that close with Yunho, close enough to see himself in Yunho’s eyes. Only him in his eyes.
They made the perfect kissing scene right after the break.
Yunho walked from his spot while Ara was lighting the candles. He gave him the flower, leaned closer to the girl, touched her delicate face gently and kissed her.
Changmin’s mind was elsewhere that he forgot to count how long they were kissing.
*
I love you. I mean it.
I really do love you.
It wasn’t because I was lonely. Or drunk. Or frustrated.
I love you.
And I realize how stupid I was to let you go.
*
“Have I told you that I like this song so much?” Yunho said.
“You did, Hyung.” Changmin replied.
“Don’t you like it?”
“I love it.”
Yunho giggled. “Right. I love it too. This song is perfect for both of us. I mean, the way our voice blend, and the harmony.” He quickly added.
“Yes. I agree.” Changmin nodded. “You… look good with Ara.” He cleared his throat.
“Yeah, I hope the music video will be great.”
Changmin almost frustrated. “Are you dating her?”
“No.” Yunho answered.
“Why?” Changmin replied quickly.
“Well, you said I should think about her feelings.”
“She doesn’t like you?”
“I don’t know. But I don’t want to mislead her too.” Yunho said. “She’s a perfect girl. My heart is just not for her.”
Changmin stared at Yunho.
“Experience told me to make sure of my own feelings before make a decision. Whether it to start, or end a relationship.”
Changmin blinked.
Yunho was smiling but his gaze was empty. “I just want you to know that… when I said I love you, I mean it, Min.”
“I mean it too.” Changmin mumbled a reply.
Yunho exhaled. “You didn’t have to say it back, really.”
“Then you shouldn’t say it in the first place.”
“I said it because I really do, love you.” Yunho turned his gaze to Changmin.
“Well I said I mean it because I really do too, Hyung.” Changmin looked back to Yunho.
“And you love your girlfriend too.”
Changmin couldn’t answer.
“It’s alright, Min-ah. Saying it doesn’t change a thing. And it’s okay.” Yunho said. “We can love each other, we always love each other, and we can have our own lives separately. It’s perfectly fine.”
Changmin didn’t know what kind of feeling he had inside because he knew Yunho was right.
Thanks for giving me the happy memories
You’ll forget them and live, you forgot everything
Don’t look at me with a worried stare, I’m okay
The scars of this heart will heal one day
I will also meet a good person one day
Forget it! That’s right, block it all out and go quickly
Before I change my decision again and hold you back