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It was early morning yet. They still had an hour or two before Chrissie would wake and be downstairs and ready to start the day. She had grown used to her husband to be’s need for a morning ride though and his persistent habit of being late for breakfast. It was partially her doing, Robert told himself as they rode, side by side and sharing knowing glances over their shoulders. He had felt a bit out of sorts when he had come to stay at the estate in lieu of his pending nuptials to Lady Christine and her father, Lord White, was desperate to get him to stay. He was of just high enough standing to be appropriate for Lord White’s daughter’s second marriage and Robert knew she didn't have many other prospects. He didn't either if he were honest with himself. His brother was already wed to Lady Katherine and he felt the pressure to do his family and his late father proud. He wanted, no needed, to make this work, but he was struggling. It was Chrissie’s idea to buy him a new horse and her father had only encouraged it.
They left the horses grazing in the field and continued on foot. The sun was just coming up over the horizon, bathing everything in a hazy golden glow, the edges of the world soft around them. His arm brushed lightly against Aaron’s, their hands touching briefly, fingers reaching toward one another. He wanted to reach out and take his hand and hold on for dear life, but something made him pause, settling, for the moment, for another gaze into his piercing blue eyes.
As the head groom, Aaron had been the one to help Chrissie pick out the new horse for him, had been the one to help him train it. He was just the hired help though, so she never gave the hours they spent together a second thought. Robert had always been fond of horses, even as a boy. It was a thoughtful gift and the horse was magnificent, but it was Aaron that ended up making him smile. It was Aaron that made him feel like he belonged there, or at least belonged with him. For Robert, who spent his whole life feeling like he had to prove himself just to fit in, with his family, with society, the sense of acceptance that Aaron provided him, was everything.
His upcoming wedding had seemed like just an abstract concept when he had first arrived here, something in the distance that gave him a sense of security at first but now filled him with dread. It wasn’t what he wanted anymore, but what he wanted, he couldn’t have. It wasn’t just the law that held him back, though that was part of it. It was the image of his father’s face, the anger and disappointment, when he had caught him with one of the stable boys when he was younger. It was always horses with him, he smiled at the stray thought and Aaron caught the expression, matching it with his own.
Aaron’s smile, though a rare occurrence, never failed to lift his spirits. Despite his best efforts not to, he knew he had fallen hard for this man beside him. He was almost certain Aaron felt the same but neither one of them were very good at talking about their feelings, not when it mattered. He told Chrissie he loved her all the time, but the words were empty. Every second he spent with Aaron was precious, they meant something, all of them and all of their words had weight. Robert just feared that if he spoke the words he really wanted to that the burden of them would drag them down into a reality they weren’t prepared for.
The pace they had set was leisurely, acting like they had all the time in the world when their time was running out. There were only two days left until the wedding and Robert was panicking because he didn't want this to end. When it started, just a kiss on the back of a lie about a potentially injured hoof, he had thought he could just have a taste of him and that would be it, but one taste had turned him into a starving, insatiable man who couldn’t get enough. In just two days he would be a married man, he would have a life that would have made his father proud, but he needed to find a way to keep Aaron as a part of that life.
Robert stopped in his tracks and turned to face Aaron, watching his face scrunch up with confusion. He finally reached out his hand and locked his fingers with Aaron’s, unable to stop himself any longer. The rising sun made the dewy morning fog around them so Robert inched himself closer, marveling at the way the damp made the ends of Aaron’s thick, dark hair curl. Reaching up his other hand, he dragged his fingers through the soft, curly fluff and Aaron melted under his touch.
“We shouldn’t do this here,” Aaron breathed out the words in a whisper like he didn’t want to disturb the peacefulness of the moment.
“No one’s around,” Robert tried to reassure him, though he knew he was right.
“Not much further to our spot though,” Aaron reminded him.
There was an old rundown cottage on the property that they had made their own these last couple of months. It was the one place on the whole estate that Robert felt comfortable truly being himself but even that was under threat. Lord White had remembered its existence just last week, bringing it up over their evening meal, talking about tearing it down. Robert had implored him to make use of it though, fix it up and rent it out. He had offered to oversee the project, anything to hold onto it for a bit longer, just like he wanted to hold onto Aaron a bit longer.
There was so much he wanted to say to him, but he couldn’t find the words. That wasn’t true. He knew perfectly well the words he wanted to say to him but he couldn’t bring himself to take that risk. Instead, he wrapped one hand around Aaron’s neck, finger’s twisting in the hair at the nape of his neck and pulled him close, meeting his lips with his own. He kissed the words he wanted to say into him as he tugged his body flush against his, the fingers of his other hand buried in the folds of Aaron’s loose white shirt.
I don’t want this to end, he kissed.
You’re everything to me, he conveyed through bruised lips.
I love you, he declared with the slip of his tongue into the sweetness of Aaron’s mouth.
He felt Aaron respond in kind, clutching at his arms, fingertips digging into flesh with the same sort of desperation that had possessed him as well. They held onto each other for as long as they could, neither one of them wanting to break the moment, the embrace. When they did part, the remained connected, hands stilling clinging tight to one another. Their foreheads rested against each other, their heavy breaths mingling with the morning mists. Robert knew for sure now he could never let him go.
“Robert,” Aaron exhaled his name, a question, an admission, and a plea all in one.
“Aaron,” he answered, hoping it was reassuring. He had some money; they could run off together, find some place where no one knew them, start a new life together and forget all about marriages and disappointed dead fathers and rules. Everything he wanted was right here in front of him, solid beneath his touch. The words still wouldn’t come, but they would, one day, when they were free of this place and on their own, just them. “You know…” he started, trailing off but meaning so much.
Aaron tilted his head slightly, eyes opening to look deep into his, “I know.”