Comment on Chrysalis

  1. Zarah (Guest) on Chapter 1 Sun 02 Sep 2018 05:26AM UTC

    I have to be honest, I was surprised I enjoyed the story even if don't ship AmeCan. I'm really curious about what would happen next, and Maggie deserves to be treated like a queen! Damn you Steve!

    I was also wondering if Carlos would show up in the future. I like APH Cuba, and I kinda wish he can get some kind of redemption, since in your other fic, he was acting like a jerk, and I know he's a really fun and sweet guy. But that side of him wasn't shown. I also certainly wouldn't mind a little conflict with Alfred if Carlos shows up. Carlos doesn't have to have any romantic feelings for Maggie, but Alfred wouldn't know. Adding him would be fun. I mean, we've seen Maggie's inner turmoil about her feelings and her fear of the social consequences of being close to a popular guy like Alfred. It would be interesting to see Alfred go through something similar. How would he react when he realizes he has competition? Does he even realize what he really feels for Maggie!? Damn they have a lot of 'unspoken things'! I love it! *grins. But it's totally fine if Carlos doesn't appear in the future. Whatever's happening in the story is already interesting and I can't wait for the next chapter. I've already read this fic 2x, I'm shaking from the anticipation!

    Now for the critique:
    You are able to write the emotions and the way of thinking of the characters really well and in great detail. And that's great coz it helps readers empathize with the characters. However, I've noticed you have a tendency to repeat them in the next chapter, or even a couple of paragraphs later. It's the same with your other fics. I understand that some of these feelings are recurring, especially for someone with self esteem issues like Maggie. But you already did a good job explaining it in the first paragraph, there's no need to elaborate on another paragraph explaining the same thing. You risk making the characters seem like they're rambling or whining, and instead of gaining sympathy, it might just come off as annoying. Besides, at chapter 15, we are already familiar with the main character's emotions and thought processes. You can afford to be straight to the point. A short sentence or 1 short paragraph would be enough to explain these recurring situations. That way, you can just use the time you saved to write other things to add to the story or character development.

    That's pretty much my main issue with your writing style. There are others that I can add to the critique, but they are minor and can be easily attributed to the character's personality. So those are fine, really. I don't have anything more to add. I just hope I don't come off as arrogant or rude, but just in case, I apologize and assure you, that is not my intention.

    Anyway, good luck with writing your stories! I really had fun reading them, and I look forward to reading more from you. Thank you for taking the time to write them!

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    1. Feyna on Chapter 1 Sun 02 Sep 2018 11:12AM UTC

      Hi! First of all, thank you for the in-depth review, I truly appreciate the time you took to write it!
      Now I'll ramble a bit about it, hoping you don't mind, because there are a couple of points I would like to touch :)

      I have to admit that I don't ship AmeCan, either, but I had once read a fic I really loved with this pairing (always AmericaxNyo!Canada, though, because even in an AU I don't like seeing canon America and Canada paired up romantically as they're brothers in the source material) and since I couldn't find anything else and I was in a rare mood for cheesy romance I ended up writing this. I don't even know how it happened, but I'm glad I managed to draw other people into this :)

      As for Carlos, I'm sorry but I don't have plans for any further appearance in this story. I know that his portrayal in White Lies wasn't positive (I had initially planned to write a final confrontation between him and Canada, but cut it off because I had some deadlines and wanted to just finish that story), however, the way his abuse towards Canada gets dismissed in canon rubs me the wrong way. I know that Cuba is usually a good guy, but this is just... something that happened and was never addressed because Canada's low self-esteem made him dismiss everything, and this makes me very uncomfortable. Not saying that Cuba is a bad guy, but he has some issues that need to be addressed, in my opinion, and that's why I wrote him that way in White Lies. Sorry about this. I actually have other stories planned in which Cuba appears in a positive role, but as far as this one is concerned, his role is over. Alfred realizing he needs to get a move will be addressed next chapter though, just not in a way that involves a potential rival ;)

      I also thank you for leaving your critique. And it wasn't rude at all, don't worry! I'm guilty as charged haha. I know it's an issue I have, and I'm trying to correct it but it's not easy as this is something that I personally don't even mind reading - my writing tends to be very character-driven, I always feel like I'm excluding something if I don't linger on their emotions and thoughts. But, I was afraid I was going overboard and thank you for pointing it out. I don't know if I'll manage to fix this (as I said, it's something I have troubles detecting) but I'll definitely try. Thank you so much! (and I hope this doesn't feel like I'm dismissing your critique, I just... don't know if I'll be able to change my writing so radically)

      Lastly, I'm really sorry for the long wait between the chapters, I just have some stuff going on and I'm getting very slow at writing this as there's a lot I have to take into account. Anyway, thanks a lot for your review!

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