Chapter Text
When he'd been younger, Tatsuya had feared his own future.
But not in the way of fearing death, no. Not so much even in the way of fearing adult responsibilities, even if sometimes they could get daunting.
Rather, he had feared becoming dull.
Drowning in the day to day, doing menial task after menial task, doing so much paperwork to the point he would have absolutely no time to do anything else. Maybe trying to do something else and failing in the process because he'd gotten so used to the motions of what he was supposed to do.
In a way, he had feared becoming his father, who even after a suspension had remained the same.
But he had been so lost, even as graduation had loomed closer and closer, that in the end, he had turned into what he'd feared.
He'd been aimless.
Confused.
Limping with phantom bleeding.
Lost till the end.
And so, he hadn't broken the cycle of karma. He'd simply become another spin.
(Something that a small part of him was still violently resentful about, but he quickly shoved it down.
There was no reason to say it out loud, after all.)
Maybe that was why reconnecting with Eikichi was so refreshing. The man, despite having mellowed down in many ways from his violent past, was still unapologetically himself, something Tatsuya wasn't so sure he could say about his own life. He was outgoing, loud and kind, capable of making friends with people so fast it seemed impossible. He was also fully clad in edgy aesthetics, full of spikes and piercings, black hued clothing and skull motifs, playing music about death and destruction and banging his head along.
Almost a contradiction, if Tatsuya hadn't been witness to the way he'd been able to beat a guy who had been causing problems to a bloody pulp.
A good guy, just not to be messed with.
"Lisa said she's coming tomorrow too." His own voice competed against the pouring rain, having arrived early to Noriko's workplace and hiding under the usual marquise, the sounds of falling droplets heavy against the metal and plastic, forcing him to put the phone as close to his lips as possible for the sound to come out anywhere near clearly.
"Ah, awesome! Tell Ginko I said hi. Also tell her I'm still going to call her Ginko." Eikichi's voice was much clearer than his own, clearly in a closed space, the sound of tuning guitars in the background a clear tell of what he was up to. The jab at Lisa made him smile, as he was well aware it wasn't badly intentioned, mostly just born out of a relationship that while complicated as fuck for him, he knew it was friendly. At least according to Lisa, who, when he called to tell her about the plans, had attempted to explain her relationship with Eikichi only for it to be so confusing Tatsuya ended up knowing less than what he began with. But hey, at least he knew they didn't dislike each other.
That was good.
"Will do."
The glass door before him revealed darkness, the sounds of the outside world filtering in and making their presence known despite the permanently playing radio and the active machinery deep inside the store.
Behind him rested a red and gold calendar full of scribbled out notes from a time when he and those he loved were still bright eyed.
Between his hands sat a cup of coffee, made by a small machine held in the back.
Next to him he could hear the sound of approaching footsteps, soon revealing Noriko’s figure carrying a heavy looking basket between her arms.
“Sorry Tatsuya-san, uh, for the wait I mean. Getting the stains off of this batch was a little tougher than expected, but we'll be out of here as soon as possible,” She muttered from behind the basket, a thing so massive that it looked quite comical being carried by a woman her size, heavy looking to the point Tatsuya began the motions to leave the coffee aside and get up to help her, and yet she carried it well enough, years of practice on her side.
Still, he felt useless simply sitting there and watching her. Since he had arrived earlier it was only fair he helped somehow, she didn't need to rush thanks to him.
“Do you need help?”
Her eyes betrayed slight amusement when they shot towards him. “I don’t, but thank you anyways.”
He let himself take another sip of the coffee, letting the dull, watered down flavor take over his mouth.
“Just thought I’d offer.”
“You keeping me company is more than enough help.”
Noriko’s voice this time was a little more cheerful.
But despite that her melancholy was still palpable, drenched over her body, a shadow in pale yellow and denim blue that wandered through the light green room, arranging everything before closing just so the next morning could be somewhat more manageable. Her hands were diligent, used to the motions despite the faltering sensation of stress, setting the basket down and removing each article of clothing, classifying, smoothing and adding perfume onto it, the smell invading the area and making everything a little softer.
The same perfume that always remained in her hair.
The coffee tasted just a little less dull the more he sipped on it.
The rain outside kept pouring.
Noriko carefully prepared an embroidered wedding dress to be sent back to its owner.
And he watched her with appreciation, trying to ignore the permanently empty spot on the counter where she worked, wide enough for a person to sit on and talk.
“...Tatsuya-san?”
"Yeah?"
The iron made a slightly buzzing sound when it was plugged in, competing against the careful noise of moving fabric.
Against the clap of thunder.
Against the playing radio.
Against the raging silence of mourning.
"...Do you think tragedies can be prevented if you try hard enough?"
…Oh.
He didn't have to wonder where that had come from, nor did he want to, not when he could see the tremble in her fingers and the rush in her movements to shut down the iron, just in case her eyes unfocused even more and she ruined a dress that embodied a dream she had yelled excitedly about back when she was still young and hopeful about a rapidly changing world, where laws could change and things could look up.
So he tried to gather his thoughts even if his words weren't always the most intelligent.
"It.."
No matter the amount of distractions, what had happened with Anna- to Anna- still felt like a heavy weight.
A burden that Tatsuya wished he could've helped her carry. That he wished he could've prevented, somehow, anyhow, talked more often, seen her more often.
If maybe he could've noticed the signs that her burden was becoming too heavy to carry on her own, she wouldn't have felt the need to disappear the way she did. Maybe she had needed someone that wasn't Noriko to help, someone less intimately close, so it wouldn't have been so daunting to talk about darker things. He knew she had always worried about hurting Noriko with certain things, so maybe this had been the same.
Maybe he could've reached out before she disappeared the way she had.
But he knew,
Deep down,
That it had been her choice to leave her girlfriend and him behind. To close herself off from her support. To never truly explain what was going on inside her head.
But fuck. He wished he could've convinced her somehow, because he fucking missed her so much. Noriko missed her so fucking much.
Fuck.
He swallowed down the stabbing pain in his throat.
"It.. was an accident, Noriko. None of us saw it coming. If.. if you, or Anna, or I. If any of us had known, we would've done something to prevent it. It was an accident."
Her gaze landed on his face and yet it didn't, the shadow of pain still over her features, a guilt he'd been trying to snuff out since the first moment she had shown up crying at his door.
And her small smile faltered.
"I know."
She put too much perfume on the fabric, motions following an ingrained pattern, yet lacking the smallest spin of concentration.
"I know that. But I keep wondering if I could have.. If maybe, maybe I could have changed something."
She almost dropped the bottle when she tried to put it back.
"And Anna- She. She would still be pursuing her dreams. If that man hadn't destroyed her life in the first place, maybe she wouldn't have felt the need to join those people- And maybe then we could've been happy. Or. Or I should've joined her. Encouraged her. Even if I didn't understand it. Or maybe I should've grabbed that man and- Maybe I should- Maybe--"
She shook her head, took a shaky breath and never finished that thought out loud, no matter how much Tatsuya waited for her to go on.
When he found himself putting the empty coffee cup and reaching towards her, he knew he had been right in doing so, as he found himself in a tight embrace.
Thankfully, the iron had already turned cold.
"...Thank you."
"..What for?"
"For being here, even if I'm not the most… uh, stable right now."
When he was reminded of a raspier, sharper, voice telling him and Noriko that very same thing from a hospital bed, he didn't bring it up.
There was no need to open cauterized wounds after all.
No need, not really.
Not when his friend was still so broken. Not when he couldn't do anything at all, suspended by the thick ropes of red tape, when his fury was contained by a bureaucracy that had never cared, didn't care, and never would. Paperwork upon paperwork, all for the sake of protecting a reputation and not the people, barbed wire digging deep into those it had sworn to protect. Words over actions, meaningless platitudes good enough to show in a newspaper raging about how amazing the system was.
How unchangeable! How perfect. How fucking dull.
A system where Anna had fallen between the cracks, and no matter how much he and Noriko had tried their best to keep her afloat, she had slowly sunk until she vanished without a trace or explanation.
If he could've just given Anna a ride that day, maybe things would've been different. Maybe Noriko wouldn't be crying her heart out so often. Maybe he wouldn't have this anger deep in his bones, latent, low-key waiting for the day the system could actually be useful for once.
Even if he knew that last hope was completely in vain, no matter how much Katsuya told him otherwise. No matter how much his father told him otherwise. No matter how he told himself otherwise.
He unclenched his jaw only when the radio began acting up, startled back to reality by the noise of distorted announcements and weirdly interrupting music. It made Noriko look up as well, her eyebrows raising, looking back at the old thing with at first confusion, but then it turned into a surprised wheeze. Laced with almost.. relief.
"We.. should really change that thing. It's way past its prime."
The words on the radio, before rather clear, began sounding more like mush than anything else.
"Hm. How long have you had it?" His arms loosened from her waist, letting her walk towards the radio and turn it off.
"Since I was five. My father bought it in Akita, when we went to visit an uncle who used to live there. It was in this shop- one of those that sell all kinds of trinkets?" When Tatsuya nodded in acknowledgement of the type of shop she was referring to, she continued, "Yeah, one of those. My uncle worked there for a couple of years and could get us discounts. So my father- he had to buy as many things as he could. And one of those things was this radio right here. It still has a sticker I put on it when I was a kid, even, look."
When Tatsuya came closer he saw the sticker, a little smiling onigiri with remnants of a holographic coat on top, its edges worn off by years upon years of careless handling. It was dull now, dirty, a shell of what it used to be. Yet it still was proof that it had, indeed, been there. That a little girl in a tiny apartment had proudly decided that the radio was going to be decorated, and her family had appreciated the gesture enough for it to remain there for years to come.
He couldn't help a small smile.
"Cute."
There was.. something, on Noriko's expression when she heard him. Disbelief, he wanted to say, even if he wasn't completely sure.
"Not so much anymore. It's all faded and broken now."
"I think that gives it charm."
"...Yeah?"
"Mhm."
When he examined it a little better, he found the brand rather familiar, actually. He was sure at some point Kats had had one of the same brand, if not a very similar model, even, and if he was right, then it had been the one Tatsuya had been able to fix after it had ended up covered in cake batter. Maybe he could-
"I think it can be fixed, instead of buying a new one, even."
Noriko's head whipped towards him faster than he'd seen in a long while, hope blooming in her eyes. She said nothing for a bit, simply looking between the item and Tatsuya, a smile on her face beginning to settle. Enough to make him feel a little bit proud of himself.
"It can?"
"I.. I could try to. No promises, but it's worth at least a try. I can take it home and give it back next week, if that's alright with you."
She breathed out a laugh. "Of course! Of course, Tatsuya-san. I- how much would it be?"
He hadn't even thought of anything related to payment, really. He was doing it as a favor to a friend who deserved as much kindness as he could afford to give, and besides, he liked tinkering with mechanisms. It would be a fun thing to do after work, or during, if it got dull enough, something that was a given knowing the long hours he was subjected to every day without anything really happening outside of guiding tourists. So he just gave her a shrug.
"Nothing."
"Uh- Are you sure..?"
"Mhm."
"... I'll put it in a bag, then."
The rain had stopped for a while, leaving the streets dangerous yet manageable, crowds of hesitant faces leaving the safety of indoors to join those hiding under umbrellas. Shadows upon shadows, faces that blurred as he zoomed past, whole lives who didn't know about Tatsuya and he didn't know about. They moved rhythmically, parts of the permanently moving machine of Sumaru City, imperfect faces dwarfed by extensively edited faces framed in large billboards, going through doors upon doors that led to whole universes he was none the wiser about.
And he loved it.
The feeling of wind on his jacket, the rows and rows of lights that guided the way. The danger of wet pavement and the knowledge that his whole life could end with a bad choice. The trust in his own proficiency with machinery.
The freedom that brought.
When he stopped at a red light, he afforded himself time to wonder what he was going to do when he got home. Maybe he could try to find a manual as similar as possible to Noriko's radio online, maybe begin to take it apart if he had the necessary tools at hand, or at least write somewhere what he would need to get to do the job. A quiet night, most likely, spent probably dealing with the latest of Katsuya's culinary experimentation as he worked in a rather empty house, and looking forward to the following day for a bit of refreshment in an otherwise dull (quite painful, trying to forget old wounds-) life.
(At least it was good his brother had a little more free time lately, he had finally finished the paperwork surrounding a case that had been closed months before. All useless stuff, as the criminal had not only already been apprehended, but sentenced and begun said sentence, and Katsuya had still been doing paperwork.
It was almost a tradition at this point, to deal with endless amounts of legalese over and over in every case, as not only the two Suou brothers had to deal with it, but so did their father before and after his temporary suspension, and so had their mother when she had still been in the force.)
This time the culinary experimentation was different kinds of milk bread, something that on one hand was delicious, but on the other hand had been made by Katsuya, so on sheer principle he had to make a sour face at them.
Just to keep him on his toes a little bit.
However, when he got home he quickly found out Katsuya wasn't the only person already there. Next to his brother's dark red leather moccasins were a pair of heeled brown boots, which, upon examining further, couldn't be their mother's.
Oh?
His eyebrows shot up slightly, even more so when he heard from the kitchen what sounded like- laughter?
Huh.
…
Katsuya had friends?
Okay, no. He knew Katsuya had friends. It simply sat as a bit of a surprise to Tatsuya to see him actually inviting someone over though, as he usually went out instead.
He stepped carefully through the dark and towards the kitchen, at first to consider the best plan of action to avoid his brother and his guest, but when he glanced up he found himself staring at-
What..
What the fuck.
What the fuck!
That..
He knew that laugh had sounded familiar for some reason.
Sitting on the kitchen counter was someone he thought he would never see again in his entire life.
Older, taller, wiser, but still her.
Her, bright and beautiful, her smile so cheerful it lit up any room she was in, violet eyes still carrying that clever spark of long gone years, her gaze welcoming yet calculating, a deep well of knowledge and security, the assurance that everything would be alright no matter the circumstances.
Her, with her short jet black hair and red painted nails, with socked feet hitting the counter to the rhythm of a song only she could hear, with those arms that had held Tatsuya while he cried so many long nights before.
Maya Amano, woman of many talents, finder of lost toys and amateur matchmaker, giver of wild flowers to a very lost Katsuya and reader of poetry to a very cozy Tatsuya. Friend of his friends, beloved in the way only a genuinely nice person could be. A special someone to Kats, an older sister to him.
A friend who had moved out long ago, not having any way to contact the Suou brothers outside of a lonesome family email, and as thus having fallen between the cracks, having broken up with Katsuya through a message that had seemed less written by her and more by her mother.
(A witness of a part of the black hole labeled "things Tatsuya doesn't want to remember", yet still having remained hopeful and cheerful through it all.
But now wasn't the time to think about that.)
There she was! Sitting on the kitchen counter as if she hadn't disappeared for more than a decade, talking with a very flustered Katsuya as he worked on the milk bread about mundane things, all while Tatsuya stared at the both of them like an idiot.
..Fuck, he'd never been so happy to see somebody's ex in his entire life.
But hey, he was justified, he hadn't seen her in a long time, alright?
He wasn't noticed for a bit, the others too engrossed in their conversation about bread types, all until Maya looked in his direction, and she let out a rather loud gasp, making Katsuya whip around as well.
"...Tatsuya-kun? Is that you? I. I- Do you remember me?"
His heart was killing him.
"...Maya-nee?" Fuck, his voice sounded weird.
Her eyebrows raised slightly, smile fading for a second and making him second guess the familiarity he was using in his vocabulary, after all they hadn't seen each other in a long time, maybe he had overstepped- but then her face broke into a blindingly bright grin, and he knew everything was fine.
"Ah, Tatsuya, you're here earlier than I-" Katsuya began, but was soon overshadowed by Maya leaping off the counter and rushing towards him, a distance he himself completed, finding two firm hands on his shoulders and a very excited woman looking up at him.
"You do remember! Look at you! Katsuya-kun, you hadn't told me he had grown this tall! What are you feeding him? You look so handsome! Oh, I still remember when you were a little boy, look at you now!"
The feeling of fuzziness inside Tatsuya's chest was about to make his heart explode yet he didn't care, not when she was there, in the flesh. He made sure to gauge if she wanted a hug, and once it was obvious she did, he went all out, squeezing her tightly and raising her up slightly, making her let out a startled laugh.
She smelled like lavender and laundry detergent, and she was so light to him that he might as well be holding a pile of grapes, but he still felt his hands shaking. She squeezed him right back, all bright laughter and wonderful affection, grabbing his arm when he put her down.
"You're staying for dinner, right?"
He glanced away from Maya's puppy eyes and towards Katsuya, who had a small smile on his face and that look that let Tatsuya know he was two seconds from crying. What a baby.
No, he wasn't about to cry as well. Not at all.
No, he didn't need to swallow down a sob just now. Nope.
"...Yeah."
"Great! Great. I wanna hear everything you've been up to. And in detail, young man. Katsuya-kun has been telling me some things, but I wanna hear them from you."
"Am I not a reliable source, Amano-kun?" Asked the man who was two seconds from making salty milk bread instead of sweet.
Maya looked back at Katsuya, still with that beautiful grin. "No."
It turns out, Maya Amano had become a journalist. In between bites of still hot okonomiyaki, she put Tatsuya up to speed, from how she had ran into Katsuya (through being witness of a robbery the week before and exchanging phone numbers a few hours later, something Tatsuya would've known if he actually talked to his brother) to explaining her involvement in the media machine, writing at first fashion tips for teenage girls, then moving on to other topics as she went up the ranks in the business. A fascinating story of a hard working woman who had looked up to her father, and had managed to become someone Tatsuya was sure he would be proud of.
("And I told my partner, Yuuki- Oh, you guys, you should totally meet Yuuki, she's awesome. But uh, yeah, I told her that we should go for that story, even if it was a little risky. Reporting things a bit more serious than 'ten things all fashionable girls should wear' was something we really wanted to do, even if we could face backlash for it, so she agreed to go and ask around for the scoop. And what a scoop! It got us into a bit of trouble, even! 'Cause our boss wasn't very happy that we had gone out and chased that story. Buuuut, it was a good middle ground between what we really wanted to do and what we were already doing, and that helped us to be able to report other things. It's not that I hate fashion tips, by the way, but uh. I'm not really.. that much into clothing to spend my entire life working on stories like that. Yuuki isn't that much into that stuff either, hah! So we were two unfashionable women talking about fashion. Yeeeeah, we needed a change, and moving towards other types of content was very welcomed."
"Uh, it's great that you two could move on to things you were more comfortable with. But. Uh. Excuse me for this Amano-kun, but you mentioned you got in trouble for it?" There was serious concern on Katsuya's face, eyebrows knitting together, making visible a sudden worry in Tatsuya's mind as well.
However, Maya laughed it off, shaking her head. "Oh, don't worry about that! It got resolved. A friend got us out of it, he liked the story and wanted to see more stuff like that coming from Kismet, soooo, he fought for the story to stay up. And people actually loved it! They really did, and found it super refreshing. An unknown artist, making super complicated pieces and leaving them in impossible places? Narrated with a bit of flare? They ate it right up and asked for seconds!"
That eased up a little of Tatsuya's worries, but made Katsuya look a little taken aback at the mention of a "friend".
Oh? Was that Katsuya gauging if he could shoot his shot again?
He tried not to laugh as Katsuya asked, with a trembling voice, who that friend was. And Maya, beautiful Maya, seemed absolutely amused at that. "Oh, just someone in the business side of Kismet, nobody that relevant really. He just likes my style of reporting and wanted to see me grow in the profession."
The sheer relief in Katsuya's face made Tatsuya choke on his bite of okonomiyaki.)
In turn, Tatsuya explained what had gone on in his own life in all those years Maya had been gone, with extra commentary from his brother in the background. At the mention of him becoming a police officer, Maya was unsurprised yet still interested.
("So, Katsuya-kun told me that before you came. But still! What a turn of events!"
What a turn of events indeed.
"Yeah, I guess."
She tilted her head, shooting him a concerned look. Yet she said nothing, shaking her head and asking other questions, inquiring about his interest in motorcycles and other types of machinery, where Tatsuya was able to explain himself a lot better, even at one point bringing up the subject of Noriko's radio, confirming that indeed, Katsuya's had been the same brand. Maya clapped her hands quietly, smiling brightly, congratulating Tatsuya for helping a friend in such a selfless way, something that made him want to melt in shame.
"Ooh, look at you blushing. That's adorable, you're so cute."
"Right?" Added the betraying pest that was his brother, fueling Tatsuya's Cain instinct.
He ended up sinking in his chair even further, making Maya let out a loud laugh.)
Sadly, time went by flying. They talked, they laughed, they had a surprisingly good time. Even if he still didn't particularly like the tension in the Suou household, having Maya in the middle of it all felt like a soothing balm.
Loud, Bright, Nice.
Truly, a joy to have, having left his heart bleeding and his eyes two seconds from bursting in tears.
He really loved her.
However, Tatsuya wasn't stupid.
Maya's eyes had… something in them.
A cunning side, a bit of wit. Knowledge, and a bit too much of it. A smile that was wide and cheerful, "ooohing" and "aaahing" when Katsuya showed her his (unloaded and disassembled) secondary gun,
And yet.
Yet she really didn't seem the slightest bit threatened by the steel in front of her.
Or surprised to see a real gun, even.
She feigned it excellently, yes, and to that Tatsuya had to applaud her, but he wasn't his lovestruck brother, and while he loved her deeply as well, his glasses weren't so rose colored he couldn't see what was clearly in front of him: that this woman wasn't the child they had known, and that she had clearly seen a firearm up close before.
It.
It made him worry. Firearms were illegal in Japan except those used by the police, so unless she had been friendly with somebody else in the force, there was virtually no way she could've been in contact with a firearm. She had mentioned she had never left Japan so far, so it couldn't have been overseas. It couldn't be just being a fan of action movies or manga, either, as seeing a gun in real life was a completely different experience than in fiction, and Maya didn't seem like the type to blur the two.
When Katsuya showed her how it was harmless disassembled like this and not to worry, as he was very serious about gun safety and would never even try to risk her life, she simply nodded, as if that had been obvious from the beginning.
And when they made eye contact with Tatsuya, Maya simply smiled at him, shrugging her shoulders.
Almost shielded herself, before quickly looking back at Katsuya.
Was she.
…Was she okay?
Maybe the trouble she had mentioned before had been greater, and to not worry the two brothers, she had downplayed it. It made Tatsuya's head swim a little, a few scenarios playing in his mind, enough to make him tap Katsuya's shoulder and glare at him to put the gun away, something his brother luckily did catch notice of and nodded, putting it away and apologizing to Maya.
"Oh, guys, it's fine! Really! I know it's safe, don't worry about me!"
"It's still a rather violent sight, Amano-kun, Tatsuya's right in me putting it away. I'm truly sorry for that."
She dismissed him but didn't complain further, quickly changing subjects when the gun was put away.
It didn't stop Tatsuya from worrying any less, the feeling of a drop of poison deep inside of him, souring his stomach, to the point that he had to force himself to swallow down the last bites of his meal.
But he couldn't bring it up. Not yet. Having only recently picked back up contact with his brother, he didn't have any sort of weight or choice in Maya's life. She was, despite their shared history, only a stranger.
And so, he couldn't pry.
Couldn't really ask.
Even if he really, really wanted to.
When it was time for her to leave, Katsuya offered to give her a ride, and after a bit of insisting that it was going to be alright and no problem for him, she agreed to it. That left Tatsuya behind, giving her a last goodbye and going to turn back towards his room, but before he could,
"Tatsuya-kun?" Maya called back to him.
"Hm..?"
"Take care of yourself, yeah?"
"...Will do."
He was about to fall asleep when his phone rang, making him squint at the sudden brightness against the pitch black of his bedroom.
Who could it be at that h- Oh.
Michel-sama: yo tatsuya!! i know we said at eight but can you n ginko come by a bit earlier tomorrow? At like six or something. Idk when your shift ends tho so no problem if you can't, we can move it to another day!
Michel-sama: pops has to close earlier tomorrow to talk to some providers and boring shit like that
Michel-sama: culinary business amiright? boo!!
Huh. Was that big of a shipment that the whole restaurant had to close?
Well, he didn't know that much about the inner workings of sushi restaurants so, who was he to pass judgment on how Eikichi's father ran the business? At most he was going to ask his son to explain, mostly out of curiosity than anything else.
He was already going to meet up with Lisa a bit earlier, as his shift the next day covered from early morning to five pm, so, it would most likely be no problem. Lisa would understand.
You: yeah i'll tell lisa
Michel-sama: fuck yeah baby! see you tomorrow then!
You: see ya :3