Chapter Text
Chapter 19
Max sat on the side of the bed and tried to get control of himself.
Tried the fight down the urge to either cry bitterly at the unfairness of life or, rising as a possibility, explode charge back out and start screaming at Daniel like a lunatic.
Even possibly accuse him of not ever even wanting their child. Neither option was acceptable. Max sucking in frantic breaths told himself that.
He had to get a grip on reality here. There was nothing wrong.
Daniel’s comment about travelling and racing with Isaak in tow, were in fact valid. As much as Max hated hearing it, they were, if you looked at it from Daniel’s point of view.
After as far as he knew, Max himself did not want Isaak with him in paddock. A lie but Daniel wasn’t to know, he only knew what Max himself had said. If you looked at like that. Then finding suitable other care was the logical thing.
What else would they be able to do.
They had no family close by to help. Daniel’s entire family lived on the other side of the world.
Sophie,his mum would come he knew but she was currently in Germany helping an overwhelmed pregnant Victoria with baby Luka already. He couldn’t ask their mother to leave her.
No, ugh maybe he was overreacting.
Because course Daniel loved and wanted Isaak. That wasn’t even a question. Daniel adored Isaak utterly. He wasn’t getting bored with him. He loved being a Dad.
But then from everything he’d been told his own father had also totally adored Max as a baby. Playing and cuddling with him constantly. Until he didn’t. And hugs and cuddles turned into practicing and critiques. And being Max’s Manger was far more important that being Max’s dad.
No, that was completely fucking ridiculous. No.
Max felt low and mean for even letting the suspicion cross his mind.
Letting that horrible poisonous doubt in.
‘You’re fucking projecting your own shitty childhood on it.’ Max told himself firmly in a rare moment of clarity.
‘Stop it right now.’
Stop. Stop seeing Jos Verstappen everywhere. Stop letting him wreck things.
But even though he rejected the thought entirely, somehow a tiny seed of doubt remained in his mind. So much so that gathering himself together he felt compelled to return back into the main area. Just to…to just check on Isaak. With Daniel. Just to check.
Knowing fully what he was doing and hating he was letting the doubts win, Max nevertheless tiptoed out of the bedroom silently and peered around the corner into the main area. He just had to see. Even though if he had to say, he honestly wouldn’t have be able to say exactly what it was he was afraid of seeing. Or not seeing.
But he felt the weight of anxiety tightening as he looked at the scene before. Isaak was still playing with his bead maze. But with less enthusiasm, at table beside him Daniel was looking his phone, apparently totally focused on it. As Max watched Isaak seemingly seeking more attention, reached over with grabbing hands at the phone.
Daniel dodged it away from him, easily enough but he frowned, apparently annoyed.
Max saw if not completely red, at least a very thick veil of pink before his eyes.
Quickly he steamed out and snatched Isaak swiftly up and into his arms.
“Bath time. Thought you might have brought him in, if you’re not playing anymore!” He barked and holding Isaak close, huffily walked off.
Daniel startled looked up from the webpage he’d been frowning at crossly. Honestly there was no more of these weird bead toy contraptions to be found. At least nothing beyond the complexity of what Isaak already had, or even more basic. Daniel had wanted to get a Isaak a bigger and better one, as it was clear he’d mastered this one. And was no longer entertained as much by it. He needed a new challenge. Such a clever, clever boy. Fancy him and Max producing a gifted child.
Although maybe not, because even though he always spoke disparagingly about his school work abilities Max could break down and recalculate a timing sheet and track data faster than the engineers. He also, most impressively in Daniel’s eyes, spoke a handful of different languages.
No, there was no doubt about it Max was actually smart as fuck. Isaak clearly had inherited everything from his Dutch parent. Beauty and Brains.
Daniel searching around online for a new bead maze had been disappointed though.
He’d just thought to get one custom made, when Max apparently with a bee in his bonnet had charged out and rushed Isaak off for a bath.
Was it bath time? Daniel looked at the clock. Huh well maybe. Honestly he didn’t know. Max seemed to give Isaak baths at random times.
But Max coming out clearly in a bad mood…Daniel wondered what that meant.
His barbs from earlier had hit, he knew that. But just how deeply he wasn’t sure. Had he shaken Max up enough to make him realise? It seemed too easy at just that.
Daniel figure only time would tell, leaving it at that he got out his drawing tablet and began to sketch of a design for a decent sized bead maze for Isaak.
He was pleased by the amount of progress he’d made when Max eventually appeared again. Sans Isaak, who must have been settled down for his morning nap.
Max looked calm enough as he walked over to look out the window, absently fiddling with the curtains but there was a definite chill in his voice as he glanced over at Daniel, still using his tablet.
“Still on that thing. That must be engrossing. Work related?”
“What? Ah no, no it’s Isaak related I guess.” Daniel answered honestly looking up.
“Oh really? How so?” Max sounded as bored, if he was barely interested in the answer, apparently fascinated by the view out of window.
Watching him, Daniel wonder why the glass panes in front of him hadn’t frosted over so icy was the mood Max was broadcasting.
Huh…
Daniel wasn’t sure how to take this. This wasn’t the exact reaction he’d expected from Max from bring up the subject of getting a minder for Isaak.
On one hand he hadn’t seemed upset enough at first, but now he seemed almost coldly furious.
Almost too angry for the situation. Oh Daniel expected Max to get furious. That was a given but later on…they hadn’t even had a real discussion. Let alone a good argument over it yet. Max was acting like he’d been bested after waging bitter campaign.
Not a casual remark over breakfast.
It didn’t really add up.
Daniel thought Max must in reality actually be bothered and annoyed by something else. After all he’d been in the bedroom for ages. Maybe he’d had a phone call.
Something that upset him. Daniel was a terribly curious person, so he longed to ask but didn’t. Max was entitled to his privacy. He’d share if he wanted to.
Uncertainly he bit his lip, but answered normally enough.
“So yeah I’m just working on couple of drawings for a new bead maze for Isa. You know I was looking earlier to buy him another and there really isn’t anything decent. Other than like the one he has already and he’s mastered that. So I thought why not get one made up? Should work right?”
Daniel wasn’t really sure what he thought Max’s reply would be, the way the Dutch driver was frowning out of the window he wasn’t entirely sure he was even listening. But Max’s reaction surprised him.
Turning from the window immediately Max hurried over his whole expression changed as the worried distracted look fell away, replaced by a bright eyed interest.
“Oh that’s what you’ve been doing? Making a maze for him really? How are you doing that? What’s it going to look like? What a great idea, what made you think of it?”
Max peppered questions as he came close to peer at Daniel’s tablet screen.
He seemed so perked up Daniel blinked at him. Unlike Max to be so excited over a drawing. But then it was for Isaak and also maybe he needed a distraction from whatever bad news he’d had. If he’d had bad news.
“Um yeah, so I’ve just been copying a track layout, Spa actually,” he said with grin, then patting the chair beside him.
“Here take a seat, help me with it.”
But instead of sitting down next to him. Max leant down and wrapped his arms around him from behind. Daniel sensing that there was something more to this gesture than it appeared, turned into the embrace pulling Max down into his lap. Hugging Max as hard back as the Dutch driver was squeezing him. Eventually just when Daniel honestly was starting to feel breathless, Max loosened his hug and just sat with his head on Daniel’s shoulder.
“Everything good?” Daniel asked carefully. Uncertain how to read Max’s behaviour. He’d seemed distant and annoyed, but the hug had been pure connection.
“Maxie are you alright?” He repeated gently as the Dutch driver didn’t answer.
Max didn’t reply immediately, although he had a ready answer.
An answer which he was telling himself as over Daniel’s shoulder he stared at his own reflection, mirrored back at him by the now dark screen of his tablet.
The image of himself was slightly distorted and dark coloured.
Like your own twisted black mind Max told himself with loathing as he looked into his own eyes.
There you were, already had Daniel tried and convicted. Had it decided he was a bad father. Neglecting Isaak. Had him guilty of becoming Jos. When all the time he was actually only thinking of making something special Isaak and doing what’s best for him. That’s all Daniel ever does and that’s why he’s right. Right about not bringing Isaak to races. To keep him away from you!
Because you’re completely crazy, aren’t you? Fucking dreaming up lies and situations against Daniel when all the times it’s you who are the incompetent parent. Less time Isaak is with you the better for his own sake.
But none of this he could voice aloud. Daniel would dispute it and argue over it not understanding the reason, or worse feel hurt and betrayed that Max could ever compare him to his father.
So he just hugged Daniel one last time and stood up saying in a perfect normal voice.
“Yeah of course. I just wanted a hug.”
Daniel gave Max a careful look but there was nothing showing on his face. Daniel’s heart softened, his suspicions something was upsetting Max being replaced by a understanding affection.
“Sweet. Hugs are always okay anywhere, anytime.” He promised cheerfully.
“Ok let’s get down to business with this creation for Isaak.”
Get down to business they did, embarking of an ridiculous wonderful dream of a bead maze that in the end, even working with a specialist company took over a week to plan out and design to their complete satisfaction. The whole time to Daniel’s puzzlement Max never said a word about the subject of a minder or babysitter. Or rather to be more specific, he never said anything against the idea. Daniel wanting it not to slip his mind had been careful to make mention of it just often enough with stronger remarks on finding someone . But Max never demurred only nodding until it’s seems almost if the subject was all but settled that they would be getting a nanny or something to come and live.
Daniel lay awake one night thinking over the situation unhappily. It was not going how he had planned at all. He couldn’t believe Max hadn’t taken the bait. He hadn’t expected him to be so relaxed and calm about the situation. Max was so very over protective of Isaak. For him to just be okay with a minder coming in. Not that there was a thing wrong or even unusual about such an arrangement.
Thinking deeply over he came to the conclusion that was the problem. He’d made it to easy for Max. It was to comfortable for him the idea of Isaak being watched in the comfort and safety in their own home. Really, not even a worry wart like Max could feel super nervous. Yes that was the problem. And now he had the problem, the solution presented itself clearly before him. It was obvious. Ha. He’d light a fire under Max in the morning. He’d go ballistic. He’d also refuse point blank to let Isaak out of his sight and any idea of leaving him behind when they went away would be killed stone dead.
Come the preseason testing Daniel would be busy showing off Isaak to the paddock.
Smirking to himself Daniel fell asleep.
“Mwah good morning baby.”
Entering the living area next morning Max dropped a kiss on Isaak’s head. As the little boy sat again in his table chair, this time just holding Mup Mup instead any other more engaging toy.
Isaak trilled loudly back in greeting and then looking expectant pointedly smacked his small plump hand on his beloved toy.
Ugh. Why. Max steeled himself and with a shudder obediently pressed his lips on puppet’s head as well. Feeling slightly revolted at kissing the tatty old thing.
“Good morning Muppet.” He said feeling stupid but Isaak cooed approvingly.
Duty done Max wiped his mouth on his sleeve and settled into his own chair He straightened his cutlery, his nose twitching in anticipation as from kitchen tantalising aromas of frying bacon wafted as Daniel stood in front of a sizzling pan.
Delicious bacon. Also fried eggs, tomatoes, sausage, toast… Max thought he could start to drool on to his plate. He was ravenously hungry for this unexpected treat.
Although their diets were a lot less strict than in the old weight restriction days in Formula One, nevertheless a proper fry up was for both him and Daniel a very rare event.
“Hungry Max?” Called Daniel cheerfully in a tone that showed he knew the answer.
“Fuck yes. Hurry up I’m starving! Smells so good. You never said you were gonna be cooking bacon.” Max said happily, actually picking up his knife and fork and holding them ready like a small child.
Daniel laughed looked at him fondly.
“You’re such a dork.”
In answer Max just shrugged unrepentant and stuck out his tongue at him, his blue eyes shining brightly.
Shaking his head Daniel turned back to the bacon, unable to keep the broad smile breaking over his face. Daniel smiled a lot, it was his trademark pretty much, but the smile the sight of a happy silly Max always created was one he didn’t really have control over.
Giving the bacon one last turn, he nodded in satisfaction. More to himself than regarding the bacon, although it did look perfect, no this had definitely been the right call. Cooking Max a breakfast treat. He was so happy about it. And it certainly wouldn’t do him any harm either to indulge in a few extra calories, privately Daniel thought Max had been exercising a bit to much recently. But mostly he was just pleased he’d done it because Max was happy about it.
It would kinda reset the balance of him stirring Max up a bit later on. Only for a bit of course, they’d be laughing about it five minutes after most likely but yes it was good to do this for Max first.
Breakfast was had, bacon was enjoyed. Daniel making Isaak shrill with laughter by pretending to feed Mup Mup his toast. Watching them it crossed Max’s mind that maybe they should try Isaak with some baby food. He was about ready age wise, and he was teething. Yeah it was definitely time. Rusks and soft baby food. Max felt a mix of sadness at reaching this milestone of childhood but he was also excited at the prospect of Isaak tasting new food. It would be fun.
Purées and custards at first. Then rice cereal and other slightly more textured mushes. Introducing solids slowly. Max knew all about it. He’d spent ages browsing through his baby food cookery book. Studying the tiny portions of various coloured mucks presented attractively in cute brightly coloured bowls.
And honestly the recipes, especially the early ones didn’t even look that hard. Most seemed to be fruit or vegetables steamed to complete softness and then blended. Max felt really he could do that. Also having himself always provided Isaak with food from his own body, he felt he should as least try to be involved in personally making his other food too. He intended to try anyway and if it didn’t work out well then he buy some organic baby food. Simple.
All this he voiced aloud to Daniel slightly defensively, hoping he wouldn’t laugh since they both knew Max wasn’t exactly good in the kitchen. But to his relief there was no laughter from the other instead he was feeling reassured and supported when Daniel, now washing up in the kitchen, agreed without hesitation seeming to think it was a good idea.
Pleased Max was thinking about the best recipe to try first. Puréed pears? But then apparently it was a bad idea to start with sweet things. Vegetables where better… peas? Yuck. But then Isaak might like them. Lost in thought Max clicked to attention as Daniel’s words finally reached him.
“…Be good if he starts getting used taking a bit of different food too, other than just milk. For when we’re away I mean. Be easier for whoever is looking after him.”
Max blinked as his brain caught up and processed.
Oh right the babysitter… Right.
Max breathed steadily for a few seconds.
As much as he hated it at first over the past few days he’d slowly become open to the idea of getting Isaak a nanny or babysitter. Talking himself down from his first utter rejection of the idea.
He could see the benefits of it in a way. Most of all Max needed to not be so clingy. Also they probably should have somebody ready just incase anyway. He certainly didn’t want to be going away and leaving Isaak but occasionally for very short periods if they found somebody he felt could be trusted…
Max’s eyes flicked around the apartment at places he’d secretly decided to install spy cameras.
He’d already arranged the security company to come. He’d have the whole place under surveillance the entire time, live video stream linked to his phone. If whoever they got even breathed wrong near Isaak…
With precautions like this in place Max felt less anxiety. Well maybe. Maybe it would be okay.
He was proud of himself for how calm and normal he sounded as he nodded and said
“Oh yeah the nanny. Have-have you have a thoughts on deciding on one? Like what company we should use?”.
He asked lightly as if he hadn’t already been online looking up and vetting every nanny/ au pair company available. He had a short list he’d like to interview people from. Interview women. Older matrimonial looking women. Like the storybook nannies. No knock out bombshell part time models or god forbid a man!
Max frowned sourly. He’d been taken aback totally when clicking around the websites to see the amount of male child minders available. Old fashioned of him in this day and age but he just hadn’t thought about it. Beautiful Australian or Swedish girls looking to work and enjoy Europe yes, that cliche was actually still pretty normal to find. That he’d expected. Tall, tanned, fit, attractive males had not been.
Max was immediately panicked with insecurity. No, just fucking no.
He could see the danger. Some super hot, friendly, child taking of wizard guy lurking around the place laughing and joking with Daniel. Well anything could happen.
It wasn’t that Max didn’t trust Daniel like that. No. He believed him now that he wasn’t interested in anybody else. Daniel wouldn’t ever deliberately cheat on him.
But not wanting to cheat was one thing. Have some gorgeous male lurking about the house, highlighting everything Max wasn’t. Well Daniel might start looking and comparing.
Comparing some bronzed extrovert child minding Adonis hunk to pasty, moody, still overweight Max. Max wouldn’t stand a chance. No. The nanny would be a nice grandmotherly type lady.
Perhaps she would even help Max learn cooking better. His mood brightened at this idea.
And he gave Daniel a completely unforced smile as he looked over at him.
Daniel swished something around in the sink, afterwards Max remembered in the next moments that a part of his brain was hype focused on exactly what, why who knew. It certainly didn’t matter, probably a defensive mechanism of some kind. Concentrate of something completely inane and unimportant instead of dealing with the issue.
Daniel swished in the dishwater, and said baldly.
“Uh huh yeah but actually I’ve been thinking and I’ve decided I really don’t want to have somebody, some total stranger, coming here to our home all the time. I think we’d be better off sending Isaac off to somewhere instead.” He turned a looked straight at Max.
Max’s smile didn’t falter, it remained fixed frozen into place. The seconds ticked by. Silence broken by Isaak babbling away to Mup Mup. Then Max dimly heard somebody say calmly.
“Why? Why is it better?”
He didn’t even realise it was himself. He felt so removed from the situation. He looked at Daniel his face gently interested.
Daniel blinked.
“What- oh well just- Well it’s not safe is it. I mean I’ve got a lot of valuable stuff here. I don’t want it stolen.” He turned and started scrubbing in the sink again.
Max nodded. His eyes wandered around the apartment looking for what it could be that Daniel valued more than Isaak. Max couldn’t pin point anything but then he couldn’t see the entire apartment and everything in it being worth anything much…not compared to Isaak.
His glance fell on a collection of framed photographs, of Daniel’s family and friends. Those yes, they were very special, was it those…but Daniel sounded as if he meant valuable as in worth money. He looked uncertainly at the television and random objects. What was it but maybe it was everything Max just wasn’t sure. He realised Daniel had said something and he’d missed it completely but he nodded as if he’d been paying attention.
“Um okay then, I guess if you think so.” he heard the same voice say softly.
Why. What the fuck?
Daniel looked at Max his mind totally blank. Thrown he blurted out the first thing that came into his head. Something stupid about being robbed or something equally dumb.
Nonplussed he turned back and flicked away agitatedly at the dish water.
Why? What did Max mean why? Who cared why?! Max shouldn’t care why! Max shouldn’t care for the idea. Max should be up and shouting it would be over his dead body would Isaak be going anywhere at anytime!
Knowing what he had said was just to ridiculous for words he frantically cast about his mind for anything slightly more believable, and said quickly.
“It’s also safety too you know. Less people knowing where we live.”
He was badly rattled when showing barely any reaction Max nodded and then to his complete shock agreed with him.
Daniel turned his head and gave him a wide eyed look. Honestly half expecting to see Max looking either amused at calling his bluff or mad enough to kill him, or alternatively Max holding Isaak and half way out the door in disgust.
But he saw neither, instead Max sat at the table looking strangely normal. Although he wasn’t moving or speaking. Neither of them spoke and for a long moment the only sounds at all in the apartment were from Isaak trilling softly to Mup Mup as he flipped him about in some imaginary game.
Feeling like suddenly he’d gone to far Daniel abruptly didn’t want to continue the joke.
He said loudly, almost nervously.
“But actually it’s only a thought maybe it’d be better to have somebody come in. Be easier really, don’t you think? Reckon we just do that eh?”
There was a lot of things running through Max’s head. Lots of different thoughts but he couldn’t seem to focus on any of them clearly. He didn’t understand Daniel’s attitude at all and it worried him badly. Daniel was the normal parent so why was he saying such baffling mad things. Crippled with insecurity Max started to second guess himself. Maybe this was the best thing. After all hadn’t he, himself just been thinking Isaak needed to be away from him. He’d never imagined a scenario of Isaak going away though. But was it really such a big deal. Probably not…to him yes, to him it felt like the end of the world but Max wasn’t a good judge. Oh wait now Daniel was saying no…not to do that. Dazed as he was Max registered the odd tension in Daniel’s voice. Huh…must be worried he’s pushed poor unhinged Max to far. God forbid Isaak do something normal. Shit. Next he’d not want him to go to school. Max couldn’t let Isaak grow up like this. No.
Also absence makes the heart grow fonder. Isaak had seemed so very pleased to see him back when he went away last time. It might be the same with this.
Quickly he spoke
“No I think it’s a good idea. That’s what we should do.”
Daniel rinsing a plate dropped it with a clatter back into the now empty sink. Max watched wondering if it was broken. But it wasn’t, Daniel picked it up again and frowned heavily down at it, checking it over Max assumed.
“Really Max no, it’s alright. Probably a silly idea now I think about it. Let’s just forget it okay.”
But having decided to make the sacrifice Max wasn’t folding.
“No. It’s -we should do that”
“No- look Max because really-”
“I think it’s for best.”
“Oh …do you really?!”
“Yes,”
“Oh well if you think so I guess it’s all settled then!”
“Fine, yes.”
“FINE!”
This time the plate did break. Shattering as Daniel slammed it down into the sink.
Max jumped at the loud crash and quickly bent to Isaak as he let out an high alarmed chirp. He might have started to cry but finding himself hurriedly gathered up and held close Max he merely looked up at him with worried eyes.
“It’s okay. It’s okay. Don’t be scared nothing wrong. Daddy just dropped a slippery plate. Just an oopsie.” Max comfortingly.
Concerned he asked Daniel.
“You alright? You didn’t cut yourself. That gave me a fright. Too much soap?”
Daniel standing looking into the sink said in curt voice.
“Yeah I’m fine. Too much soap.”
Max nodded and since he was holding Isaak anyway decided he might as well take him and change him.
He carried him away leaving Daniel standing stone still in the kitchen.