Chapter Text
Bucky was tired.
He’d been able to doze for a little bit last night with Snow Fox, but then Natasha had come down in the early hours of the morning to wake him for dinner in the lab. While Bucky had been relieved that Nat had been able to walk off being thrown across the gym, he hadn’t enjoyed the argument they’d shared.
‘Is she really a liability for the team? Or for you? Look, just consider the idea that she might do better in a place where she can actually fulfill her purpose.’ Natasha’s words swirled around in his mind for the rest of the day. Bucky shook his head and tried to direct his focus back on Steve and T’Challa who were going over plans for the Wakanda Outreach facility in LA.
Was he holding her back?
All Bucky had wanted, from the moment they’d found the girl, was to make sure that she could have a chance at life. The same chance Steve had given him years ago when they met in the streets of DC. Someone to see the good beneath the surface. Someone to believe in you.
Bucky thought of how his time in Wakanda had saved his life. When the remembering got too hard and he felt like he would be crushed under the weight of everything he’d done, Shuri was there. She’d taken him in and the two of them struck up an unusual friendship. He didn’t realize how much he’d missed having a little sister until he got to the lab. Shuri, while obviously very different to Rebecca Barnes, had managed to fill a void created back in 1943. He’d been eternally grateful to be given his autonomy back and be able to start his life again, but he was especially grateful for the opportunity to be a big brother again. Even if all Shuri did was make fun of his terrible modern dancing and intolerance to spicy foods.
All he wanted was for you to have the same thing, freedom.
The bright eyed girl who on her first night fought so hard to keep her eyes open during ‘Sleeping Beauty’. The kind girl who’d taken weeks to keep eye contact during a full conversation. The brave girl, who agreed to go outside and spar with Natasha even though he could see the trepidation behind your eyes. His beautiful girl…
Bucky’s mouth twisted into a frown for the fourth(?) time that morning.
Somewhere along the way he’d grown incredibly protective of you. He knew that you could handle yourself in a fight, but selfishly he liked knowing you were safe here in Shuri’s lab where he could come take care of you. He didn’t know when he’d grown to fear the idea of you joining the Avengers. All he knew for certain was that the idea of you joining them in going up against Hydra made his palm sweat.
“Well I think that covers everything! Thank you again your highness for allowing us to stay another day.” Steve smiled as he shook hands with the king.
“It is no problem. I know my sister enjoys having a full lab from time to time. I’m just grateful that the White Wolf has returned to bear the brunt of her teasing.” T’Challa grinned, causing everyone in the room to snicker.
Bucky just rolled his eyes and strolled out of the conference room and began walking the familiar halls toward the lab. As he walked down the spiral he felt Steve come up behind him, Bucky slowing his own pace for his friend to catch up.
“So, anything you wanna talk about?” he asked gently, causing Bucky to huff. Steve let out a chuckle.
“Ok then just listen. Last night, the team discussed it, and we think that Snow Fox would be a good addition to the team once Shuri green lights her rehabilitation. She’s in good physical condition, and aside from her, uh... episode yesterday she’s been recovering very well. Shuri has been sending me weekly updates on her,” that caused Bucky to raise a brow as he’d been unaware Steve was checking in. “And in every update she’s getting better and better. I know that you’re worried about her being overwhelmed, but I think that being around a team would be good for her. She needs some socialization.”
Bucky grit his teeth.
“Did Nat put you up to this?” He ground out. Steve’s brow furrowed.
“No, I’ve just been keeping an eye on her too.” Steve said and Bucky could tell he was being honest. Steve had always been such a shit liar. Steve ran a hand through his hair, taking a deep breath before settling both hands on his hips and Bucky knew he was in for a bit of a speech.
“Look, you’ve been helping her and making sure she’s recovering okay now that she’s out and I’m really proud of you Buck. I know you both have a connection that I can’t understand being ex-Hydra, but I feel connected to her too. I can’t explain it, but she’s part of me in a way. We don’t know much about her other than she and I share a certain amount of genetic code. Not just the soldier serum but DNA. Tony and Shuri were able to find some matches between her and I. Hydra seems to have used what they had from me as some sort of genetic jumping off point before adding in different.. uh “materials” form the Red Room. I know that doesn’t obligate her to have some kind of relationship with me, but Bucky I can’t just not care about someone who’s kind of like my kid.” Bucky just blinked, trying to process the new information as Steve ran a nervous hand through his hair.
“She’s not and I know that, but c’mon Buck I can’t just walk away. I’ve tried to stay away because I thought that it was what was best for her but I’d really like to get to know her. They might not come out and say it but I know the rest of the team is curious about her too.” Steve admitted softly. Bucky exhaled deeply and looked at the floor.
Of course Steve was worried about you too.
Bucky had known that logically Steve was worried about you.
He’d asked about you often and the fact that he had Shuri sending him reports didn’t feel as surprising as Bucky thought it might. Steve had always had a borderline obnoxious sense of morality and hearing it phrased that way… No wonder Steve wanted you to come to America. He’d never be able to not see Snow Fox as some kind of surrogate kid. Estranged and barely related, sure, but Steve would never walk away from you if he considered you any kind of family. Bucky’s very presence was confirmation of that fact.
“I just can’t see her get hurt, Stevie. She’s doing so well here, and I can’t stand the idea of moving her to a new country right now. She’s finally getting adjusted here and settling in. Is it lonely here? Maybe. But Shuri is here and I’ve been here. She’s safe here and that’s my priority right now. If we move her to the compound and word gets out about her, or worse she joins the team and is out there dealing with Hydra’s bullshit in person… I can’t guarantee her safety anymore.” Bucky admitted. The more Bucky thought about you in America, the more Bucky’s stomach churned. The idea of actively putting you in harm's way made him want to vomit.
Steve clapped a hand on Bucky’s shoulder.
“I won’t ask her to move. Nat and I agreed we’d let you discuss it with her first to gauge how she’d feel about training with the team and then she can make the choice for herself. Getting to choose something like this might be good for her. More autonomy over her own life, right?” Steve smiled and Bucky returned it weakly.
“Look, let's head to the lab. We’re shipping out first thing tomorrow morning so today is kind of your last chance to spend time with Snow Fox and Shuri before we head back to the compound tomorrow.”
“I guess I’m expected to come back tomorrow aren’t I,” Bucky asked quietly. Steve just nodded in response. Bucky sighed deeply again as they entered the lab.
Nat and Clint had beaten them back, crowding around a table with Shuri to inspect some new gear. The last time they came, Shuri had begun developing some new tech for them. Fancier black widow bites for Nat and a vibranium bow with some fancier features for Clint. Sam’s wings were laying on the table but Bucky noticed the man himself wasn’t in the room. The five of them all hung out in the lab for maybe half an hour before Bucky heard footsteps making their way down into the lab.
Bucky looked up to see you enter the lab, arm in arm with Sam fucking Wilson.
The two of you had obviously been enjoying your conversation. You’d been laughing as you entered the lab, smiling wide and freely. Bucky didn’t want to think about why the sight of the two of you made his chest constrict.
As soon as his eyes met yours, you dropped your hand from Sam’s elbow as if you’d been caught somehow and Bucky couldn’t tell if that made him feel better or worse. Sam just waggled his eyebrows at Bucky, who felt the frown form on his face as Steve started speaking to you.
The rest of the afternoon passed in a bit of a blur.
Bucky ate the food put in front of him without really tasting it. He tried to listen to the jokes being made around the table and keep the frown off his face, completely oblivious to the concerned looks you and Shuri had been sharing as you ate. He barely acknowledged Okoye and T’Challa when they came to bring the team to the range, wanting everyone to test out Shuri’s modifications before they shipped out tomorrow.
Your eyes had met briefly as Shuri grabbed your hand and pulled you into your room off the lab. Bucky watched as a sadness he’d never seen before flashed in your eyes before you looked away and Shuri closed your door behind you. After he watched Shuri drag you to your room, Bucky made his way to the gym and started punching the closest bag.
All he could think about was you, what moving to America would mean for the both of you, and how everything would change.
If you moved to America, Bucky might not be your favourite person anymore.
Bucky clenched his fists so hard his knuckles went white and the vibranium screeched as he remembered the smile on your face when you were joking around with Sam. If you were exposed to the rest of the world, would you leave Bucky behind? You were young and obviously very beautiful (Bucky was old, not blind). Your smile lit up the room and Bucky was terrified of you going off and finding someone better than him.
The second he had that thought, an immediate wave of disgust rolled over him. You weren’t ‘his’ . He didn’t know where this sudden jealous streak was coming from. You could go out and spend time with whoever you liked. Steve, Shuri, even Sam fucking Wilson if you wanted. There was an entire world out there full of people better than James Buchanan Barnes, and Bucky couldn’t help but worry when you finally realized that you wouldn’t want him anymore.
Clenching his jaw, he slammed his fist into the bag so hard it split a knuckle. Bucky’s chest heaved as he stared at the tiny drops of blood left behind on the bag. He ran a hand through his hair, fishing a hair tie out of his pocket before tying up the brown strands into a small bun at the back of his head. Then he picked up where he left off, punching all of his insecurities into the bag.
Eventually, Bucky’s fists slowed. He had no idea how long he’d been in the gym taking out his frustrations on the bag with split knuckles. He grimaced as he pictured your reaction to his bloodied fists. After trying to wipe the blood off with a towel, Bucky made his way out of the gym and tried to decide if he should go to your room or not. He wanted to see you, to even just be near you but you’d been so quiet at lunch... Maybe it would be good to give you your space for a bit and come say goodbye tomorrow. Bucky frowned as he realized you’d only really gotten to spend a day or two together this visit. He knew you’d miss him while he was back stateside and he couldn’t help the bitterness that washed over him.
As he made his way into his room for a shower Bucky tried to figure out how to discuss moving you to America. Even if he was ready to move you stateside, he had no idea how to broach the subject with you. Would you be excited? Scared? Would you even want to leave the lab? You and Shuri had a very sweet friendship that had really bloomed over the weeks that Bucky was away again. Maybe you’d be too attached to her to want to move continents. He tried not to think about how your friendship with Shuri was just another excuse to keep you here and safe. Groaning at the hot water cascading down his back, Bucky considered it a blessing that Steve and Nat were leaving it to him to ask you to move.
‘ Next visit. Next visit I’ll ask for sure. ’ Bucky cowardly thought to himself, knowing there was no concrete date for him to return to Wakanda. You just needed a little more time here with Shuri, Bucky reasoned with himself. Maybe if he got to put it off this time, he’d find the courage to ask you to come train in America the next time he saw you.
___________________________
“I want to go to America for training.” you blurted.
Steve raised his eyebrows in surprise and opened the door a little wider to let you into his suite.
You and Shuri had decided that you were going to go to the Wakandan Outreach Center at the end of the week and spend some time in America together. Shuri did most of her work for the Center remotely, but as she wasn’t needed on any large projects for the next few weeks she’s offered to accompany you to America. She and T’Challa had hashed out the details of the trip over dinner and Ayo had volunteered to “chaperone” the two of you. Once you had transportation figured out and the support of T’Challa and Okoye, the next step was to ask Steve how he’d feel about letting you train with the team. You didn’t want to impose on their home, but you wanted to grow and learn as much as you possibly could. Shuri had promised you he would understand your desire to do the right thing so you’d made your way up to his room and knocked.
You looked around at the table with several files and a laptop set up. Steve himself was still in slacks and a button up and you suddenly felt a little juvenile in your black sweatpants and matching cropped sweater.
“Shuri, T’Challa, and Okoye said that they would vouch for me to travel safely. Shuri thinks I’ve made a lot of progress... in the last four weeks especially. I do too! Or I did until... um...I had hoped to be able to show you during this visit but… uh… anyways Shuri is going to be going to the Outreach Center at the end of the week anyways and she said she could bring me if that’s ok…” you started wringing your hands a bit as you tried to stammer out the plan before Steve raised a hand to stop you.
“Can I ask you something first?” he crossed his arms as he asked, giving you a picturesque Captain America pose. You nodded nervously.
“Why? I’ve never heard you express an interest in coming to the compound. So what changed?” you played with the hem of your sweater as you tried to find the right words.
“I don’t feel like I’ve changed necessarily, but Shuri and I have been so focused on making sure I wasn’t a threat to myself or others that in all the time I’ve been here I never stopped to think about what comes after. Natasha’s comment in the ring yesterday, about me being “Avenger quality”? I think that was the first time someone talked about my future outside of the lab. It’s never really been a consideration before now. It made me stop and consider what I was doing here and what I really wanted.” you answered. Steve just raised a brow.
“And what exactly are you doing here? What is it that you want?” he asked.
“I was made to be bad. I was created by Hydra, to hurt people and make the world worse… but I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to fulfill that purpose. If I can use what they did to me to make the world better, I think that would serve them right. Natasha’s comment really opened my eyes. That if I want to do good things, all I have to do is ask and maybe I can start. Sam told me that I didn’t need a purpose to be alive, but I want to help people the way Bucky does and I can’t do that when I'm stuck underground. I know what I could bring to the team. I bring strength and dexterity and… and solid hand to hand skills. I want to keep people safe and if I can train with your team I can start working towards making that happen… if that makes sense.” you spoke softly, feeling Steve’s piercing gaze as he considered your answer.
“Plus, Sam made the cinema sound very fun and I think I’d like to go see a movie on the big screen.” you tried to joke with a small smile. Steve let out a sudden burst of laughter.
“I’m sure he did.” he chuckled with an amused smile that dissolved any previous tension. You cautiously smiled back at him.
“I really do have a whole plan! Shuri and I spent the afternoon working out the details. If I’m allowed to come to the compound.” you added hastily but Steve just grinned.
“I would be really happy if helping people is what you wanted to do with your life. But being an Avenger? It’s not easy. It’s long hours and hard work and it’s dangerous. There are days where it feels like the evil in the world is never gonna stop. Not to mention the public scrutiny. We’d come up with an alias for you. Or figure out some kind of backstory since I’m assuming you don’t want the whole world to know about your… origins. The public can be just as ruthless as Hydra when it comes to their perception of who the Avengers really are in their day to day life. I just want to be honest with you and make sure you’re pursuing this for the right reasons. For yourself . If you change your mind about all this, if it gets to be too much or not what you want for yourself, I’m sure between Shuri and Tony we could come up with some sort of civilian life for you instead.” Steve said seriously, resting a gentle hand on your shoulder. You nodded as you bit your lip.
“I do think you’re right though. You, the supposed “Next Fist of Hydra”, becoming an Avenger? Talk about a comeuppance. We were already trying to think of a way to propose the idea to you so I’m really glad Bucky decided to talk to you about all this.” Steve smiled and you cocked your head.
“What do you mean?” you asked.
“I asked Bucky about this earlier today and didn’t see either of you. I assumed he talked to you about coming to train with the team. We talked about it earlier. I told him it might be good for you to get some different training and join the team if you wanted to.” Steve explained. You wiped your palms on your thighs before sliding them behind your back and balling your fists.
So Bucky was supposed to invite you to the team and decided not to. You’d gone to your room after lunch yeah, but Bucky didn’t even try to come talk to you about this. He was hiding things from you now?
Well screw him.
“Actually, I’ve been thinking about this on my own. As much as I love being here with Shuri, I’m limited with what I can experience of the world. I want to travel and explore but I know there’s a concern that I’m a liability. I promise I’m not. Shuri can show you all the reports if you need it.” you sharply explained and Steve just looked at you for a moment with a look you couldn’t decipher.
You worried you’d said something wrong before he spoke.
“That’s ok. I’ve already seen them.” he dismissed with a wave of his hand, moving back to lean against his desk with his arms crossed. That caused you to raise a brow. You weren’t aware Captain America had been checking in on you. You wondered briefly if he’d requested the updates himself or if Shuri had just been sending them automatically.
“I don’t think you’re a liability anymore than Bucky at this point. Especially if Shuri’s reports are anything to go by, which we both know they are. If coming to the compound and training to be an Avenger is really what you’d like to do, of course we’d be happy to have you. Have Shuri forward me the details for your trip and I’ll have a room ready for you.” Steve smiled. You smiled shyly back before a more negative thought crossed your mind.
“What about Stark? I was under the impression he did not like me very much… Not that I blame him,” you winced as you recalled the only two memories you had of the Iron Man. Steve just waved a hand.
“I’ll worry about Tony. I don’t think he hates anything, not really. He’s just… cautious is a good word for it. In any case I’ll take care of him and come get you when you and Shuri are done playing tourist. Sound good?” Steve asked, hand extended. You smiled and shyly slipped your hand into his, giving it a solid shake.
“Yes, that sounds very good Captain.” Steve just snorted at your response.
“Don’t even start. You can still call me Steve.” You smiled brightly, glad that your relationship with Steve was improving before your very eyes.
You nodded and made your way to exit his room before he called out to you, stopping you with your hand on the door knob.
“Wait a sec, you said Bucky didn’t talk to you about this. Have you seen him at all today?”
You bit your lip, frustrated because no you hadn't .
“No. After lunch I went to my room with Shuri and then had dinner with her family... I have one more favour to ask of you, Captain.” you turned, picking at your thumb nail. “Please don’t tell him that I’m coming to America.”
Steve’s eyes widened comically, his mouth parting in surprise but you held a hand up to stop him.
“I, uh… Well I haven’t talked about it with him yet. I decided this on my own, and I should be the one to tell him I think. I know he just wants what’s best for me… but I really am set on my decision and I should be the one to tell him.” you murmured. Steve blinked at you for a moment before nodding.
“We ship out tomorrow at 0800 tomorrow. I won’t bring it up if that’s really what you want, but honestly I’m a shit liar and he’ll know just by looking at my face. So do me a solid and tell him before I’m stuck on a jet with him for 15 hours will ya?” he asked with a crooked smile. You let out a deep sigh of relief and nodded.
“Of course. Thank you for understanding.” you smiled softly. The two of you wished the other a good night before you stepped out of his room.
You quickly glanced over at Bucky’s door before shaking your head and scurrying down to the lab.
Bucky didn’t want to see you. Bucky didn’t want you on his team. Angrily blinking back tears you made your way to your room and got ready for bed. It was still a little early but you had a feeling you wouldn't be sleeping very well tonight.
___________________________
Bucky startled awake sucking in a harsh breath. Running his flesh hand down his face he glanced over at the clock on the nightstand across from him.
6:47am.
He’d slept for at least five hours then. Not too bad. With a shake of his head, Bucky stood and made his way to the bathroom. Hoping that the scalding water of a shower would help rinse away the remnants of last night’s bad dreams.
Bucky had run round the corner, trying to follow you through the city streets.
Unable to scream as he watched his old self, the Winter Soldier, blew you to pieces. Sinking to his knees cradling your broken body in his arms, blood seeping out of the plates of his old silver arm.
“You said I was safe.” you’d whimpered before your eyes glazed over. You’d let out a shuddering breath leaving Bucky to wail over your corpse.
Bucky smacked his forehead against the tile of the shower.
With an irritated groan he quickly got dressed and grabbed his duffel bag and tossed it in front of Steve’s door before making his way down to Shuri’s lab.
When Bucky rounded the corner, you were already awake and dressed quietly talking with Shuri. Your head snapped up, words dying on your lips as Bucky approached.
“Good morning White Wolf! I-uh... parts! I just remembered I have some parts! Yeah I have stuff that I need to send home with your team so I’ll leave you to it.” Shuri said hurriedly with a look to you that Bucky couldn’t quite decipher. With a nod Shuri scurried out of the lab, leaving you to pick at your nails and scuff your toes against the lab floor.
As Shuri’s footsteps faded around the corner Bucky suddenly found himself with nothing to say.
“So…I have to leave with the rest of the team. I tried to stay, but they’ve pointedly reminded me that part of my reintegration with society means I need to be working out of the compound again. I’m not sure exactly when I’ll be back.” Bucky explained bitterly. He found himself disappointed that you wouldn’t meet his eye. You instead were choosing to look around the lab, at the floor, or at your own hands as you picked away at more and more of your nail polish.
“The last few bases we wiped out, Nat and Steve have a good feeling that those are the last few bases outside of North America. We’d been wiping out labs for a year before we found you so we’re pretty confident there’s no more hidden bunkers to uncover. We’ll begin the manhunt for individual agents next. I’ll be able to video call as often as you’d like when I’m not on missions.”
“Video calls?” you ask, your eyes finally snapping up to meet his own. Bucky nodded.
“I’m not sure how often I’ll be able to call or what time zone I’ll be in, but I’ll message you as often as I can so you can call me when you’re not training.” Bucky feels a frown tug the corners of his mouth as you clench your jaw and look back at the floor.
“You’re just going to leave me here?” you asked seemingly in disbelief. Bucky’s palm began to sweat as he watched the gears in your head start turning.
“It’s not like that Doll. I would stay if I could, but Steve and Nat need me to come back to the compound as part of my pardon.”
“I understand that…” you began slowly. Your tone raised the hairs on the back of Bucky’s neck.
“What I do not understand is why you don’t seem to consider bringing me to the compound with you. I could be useful on the team... I’ve been training every day and Shuri says that I’m doing well. I’ve been thinking a lot about it, and I think it’d be prudent for me to learn how to fight in a unit. I-I want to come train with the team… with you. In America.” your voice was soft and nervous. As you spoke, your eyes cautiously lifted to meet Bucky’s. He could see the hesitation in your gaze, your timid optimism, and he felt the floor fall out from under him.
‘ Why is the entire fucking universe out to get me right now? First Nat, then Steve, now Snow Fox herself? Doesn’t anyone consider the danger we could be putting her in? There’s no way Hydra’s just done with her.’ he thought bitterly to himself, trying to choose his next words carefully.
“I would love for you to come live in the compound, you know that, but it’s not safe yet. We still don’t know if the rest of Hydra is searching for you but we can only assume. Plus you’re not ready yet.” Bucky said evenly, trying to be firm but gentle.
“According to whom?” you snap, fists balled up in the fabric of your oversized sweater. Bucky inhaled deeply, trying to keep his cool. This was not how his goodbye was supposed to go.
“According to me. The former Fist of Hydra. Look, I’ve been in your shoes and as someone who’s had to walk this specific road before, please just trust me when I say you’re not ready yet. Just… please Doll. Please be patient a little while longer.” Bucky pleads gently.
He reached out to hold one of your hands in his, but your sharp flinch back into the table behind you tears Bucky’s heart right out of his chest. You’d never cringed away from his touch before, and Bucky was caught off guard by how much more it would hurt than when civilians or the rest of the team shy away from him.
“Why am I not ready? Okoye and Ayo have praised my fighting skills. I’ve spent hours working on my English, studying and doing the school work you’ve given me. Shuri says that she was able to disarm my chip and that I’ve been making incredible progress since arriving here. You can ask her! She trusts her own tech and I trust her! Why am I being locked away like some… some damsel when I can take care of myself!” you snapped. Bucky watched as bitter tears began to pool in your eyes, but with your fists clenched together you refused to let any of them fall.
Bucky lowered his gaze, trying to find the words.
“I’m not keeping you locked away! We’re trying to keep you safe. Look it’s incredibly overwhelming out there and you’re only just mastering wide spaces. I just don’t want something to be triggered that we don’t know about yet.” Bucky tried to reason. That only seemed to anger you more.
“What else is there to be triggered by? I never even saw combat! I’m never going to be ready if you keep me buried under this mountain.” you ground out.
“Just because you never saw combat doesn’t mean that there aren’t things out there that could still trigger you. PTSD, especially with the electroshock treatments make it incredibly difficult to pinpoint what exactly will activate the soldier. I’ve been triggered by basically nothing before. A static shock. The sudden change in temperature? Hell one of my worst episodes when I was first freed came from Steve asking me what I wanted for dinner that night! You have no idea what could flip the switch for you at this point and if you go out there unprepared you could get hurt. Not to mention what if there are still Hydra agents out there from your lab? There could be any number of subliminal triggers tucked away in your head and you’d never even know until it was too late!”
“That’s my point!” you argued back. “We probably will never know for certain about some hypothetical super secret subliminal code! But sitting here tucked away in this lab is going to drive me insane. At least if I’m at the compound I could be working towards actually being useful! Even if I’m triggered, an entire compound of agents and Avengers are available to put me down.” you snapped. Bucky’s heart seized at your words. How could you view yourself as so expendable? ‘Put her down’ , Bucky thought angrily to himself. As if you were some kind of animal.
“No one is going to put you down because you’re not going. You can wait a little longer until you’re officially ready and then we can discuss what coming to the compound would mean for you.” Bucky ground out, his concern for you slowly morphing into frustration.
‘I’ve lost too much. I can’t risk losing you too. C’mon Doll you’ve gotta at least try to understand.’
“I’m done waiting. If you wanted me to waste away in a lab for my entire existence, why bother waking me in the first place? It seems you could’ve saved yourself a lot of headache by leaving me there. Since I’m such a liability .” you petulantly shout, even going so far as to stamp your foot while you cross your arms over your chest. Something tugged at the back of Bucky’s mind at your word choice. ‘Liability .’ But Bucky had no time to dwell on your word choice when you were being such a brat.
“Oh! Well excuse the fuck out of me for thinking that freeing you would be kinder than leaving you to rot in a lab! I was trying to help you.” Bucky snapped back, running his flesh hand angrily through his hair.
“Oh yes! How kind and helpful of you to graciously dump me under a mountain in Africa with your friends while you get to galavant all over the world! Thank you Sergeant.” you sneered with an overexaggerated bow, the childish act causing Bucky to scoff and begin to angrily pace away from you.
“All I’ve done is trade one lab for another!” you shouted after him.
“I don’t know what else you want me to say! It’s only been 5 months. It took me a year to recover enough to be out in the real world and I’d been an actual person before! Had a life before Hydra took it all away from me!” Bucky turned to yell across the lab at you.
(He missed the pain in your eyes at his comment on being an actual person.)
Had Bucky been feeling more rational he might’ve remembered what a sore spot “being a real person” was for you. Tactless comment aside, you didn’t let that stop you from firing back at him.
“Exactly! You had a life! All I’ve known is testing and training! I want a life Bucky! A real one. This isn’t fair!” you screamed, tears finally cresting your cheeks and dripping onto the floor. Bucky’s heart clenched as he heard you cry and grumble in Russian under your breath. He began to move to comfort you.
“Snow Fox...”
“ -this is just like Hydra .” you muttered angrily as you swiped at your cheeks.
If not for Bucky’s enhanced hearing, he wouldn’t have heard that last barb.
If Bucky wasn’t a super soldier, maybe he could’ve missed that last insult. Maybe he wouldn’t have choked on his breath as he felt the red hot blade of betrayal slice through his back and into his own heart.
If Bucky hadn’t heard that last comment, he might’ve been able to control his temper. He would’ve held you and tried to reason with you. Maybe even begged the team to stay an extra day so that he could try and comfort you. He wanted to comfort you.
But since when has Bucky Barnes ever gotten what he wanted?
“ Enough . I’ve said you’re not ready so you’re not ready. You wanna sit here and throw yourself a fucking pity party because you’ve got to live in a castle with an actual princess? Be my fucking guest. This conversation alone shows how immature and unprepared you are for the real world! We can’t risk you being out there yet and if you go out there unprepared, you could get yourself killed . Or worse kill someone else on the team. You have no fucking clue how to live out there like a real human being. How could we even trust you out there?” Bucky heard himself snap. His eyes widened as you choked in a strangled gasp, hands flying up to cover your mouth. It felt like he was no longer in control of his own body, like when the soldier would take over. Bucky was helpless to watch his disgusting comment fall from his own lips.
He immediately wishes he could take the words back. He himself is all too familiar with being unable to trust your own mind, and to throw that back in your face…
Suddenly your posture straightens. You suck in a sharp breath and raise your chin so your eyes can meet his eye. There’s a steeliness in your gaze that Bucky recognizes and wishes was gone.
The cold focus of a Soldat .
“Then I suppose it’s lucky for me that it’s not your approval I need.” you spit coldy, wiping away any traces of tears from before.
“Doll I-”
“I have already made the preparations with Shuri. I wanted to tell you first, I thought it could be good news, but I suppose I was mistaken. Okoye and his Highness T’Challa himself have signed off on my leaving Wakanda. At the end of the week Captain Rogers has approved me to come and start training at the compound. Consider this “heads up” a courtesy. Have a safe flight Sergeant.” you grind out, fists clenched at your sides.
With that you spun on your heels and stormed off to your room, slamming the door behind yourself and leaving Bucky to gape in your absence. Bucky was at a loss for what to do in this situation. He barely realized he was gripping one of the tables so hard his vibranium hand shattered the glass top into a thousand pieces as the floor seemingly fell out from under him. The tight pain blooming in his chest, all the way down his arm and legs into his finger tips. The two of you had never had a fight before. Let alone one as ruthless as this had just been. There was a faint sound of muffled crying that even across the lab and behind your door, Bucky could hear because of some god damn serum he never fucking asked for.
Bucky can feel his throat closing and his vision begins to blur the longer he stands in the lab. He loses track of how long he stands there, hearing the painful sobs of the girl that had come to mean everything to him, but unable to move himself from his spot in the lab. Bucky doesn’t deserve to comfort you at this point. Eventually he hears Steve calling out his name, then his soft footsteps as he avoids the glass. He can feel Steve’s gentle hands on his shoulders, maneuvering him out of the lab and towards the Quinjet in a daze. Bucky’s fists clenched as the Quinjet took off, soaring through the force fields and across the grasslands.
There are no moments in Bucky’s life that he wishes he could forget.
To just leave behind and never consider again.
After years of his mind being pillaged and his memories robbed, even painful ones are now precious to him. Bucky has spent hours upon hours pouring over journals, desperately trying to remember everything and anything about his life. Sketching out details of the apartment he and Steve lived in before he was drafted. The curve of his baby sister Becca’s nose. The way his mother would pin her hair up on Sunday’s for church.
Every memory, no matter how small or painful, is precious. The way his sister cried when he told her he was leaving for the army. The painful wheeze of Steve’s fluid-filled lungs the last Christmas he caught pneumonia before Bucky was drafted. Coming across the dead bodies of a woman clutching her children, the stench of burning flesh heavy in the air while he was in the war. Everything needed to be remembered and cataloged.
But that moment…
‘At the end of the week Captain Rogers has approved me to come and start training at the compound.’
This moment makes Bucky wish for the mind wiping chair.