Chapter Text
Humans have divided time into a million tiny segments. There are words for a year, 500 years, 2 weeks, a blink of an eye, 60 blinks of an eye, the time taken to film a movie. But as all important details are eventually forgotten, the world’s inhabitants have collectively forgotten that time itself is in continuum. It is not stopping for heartbreak or pausing to see the first glimmer of the sun after weeks of gloom. It just is, and then it’s not, and there’s not a thing anyone can do about it.
Yoongi watched the minute hand on the clock inch forward and every tick reminded him that he had a list of tasks to complete. The reminders were futile, it’s not like he’d just forget how there were hundreds, if not thousands, depending on him. But for once, all he wanted was to not be bound by the ever-present rotations. At closer to 30 than he’d ever been, and done with a good portion of his bucket list from his early 20s, Yoongi knew he couldn’t sit on his slightly old realizations anymore.
Taehyung had, in a rare moment of quietude, asked him if it wasn’t time the other day. And what made it the right time? Would they not face backlash if they braved the spotlight always there to unmask the smallest chink in their armour? Was it the relative establishment of them as artists? The foothold they clung onto, broken nails and bleeding knees ignored. Was it that Yoongi’s heart wasn’t even sure how many times it could leap in his chest when the jewel-like shine of Jeongguk's smile was directed at him?
Closing his eyes, he let himself sit in the dimmed studio on the third floor for a while longer. It was in the far left wing of the company building and he was secure in the knowledge that nobody would come knocking there.
If it was the time, shouldn’t he have gotten the words already?
*
Contrary to what his hyungs would have you believe, Jeongguk wasn’t good at everything. Just what he was really passionate about and spent hours mastering. One thing, however, that he couldn’t master despite years of trial and Namjoon’s unwavering support was a way with words. He knew he was more of a doer. He would always rather record a song and send it to you than tell you he intended to, but sometimes, he was coming to realize, actions did not speak loudly enough. They needed words to interpret them.
It had stopped mattering how long he’d been in love with Yoongi. The hooks that had clawed their way into his heart were still there, but time had worked its magic on them too, dulling their edges, bleeding rust onto the organ so it didn’t beat quite so frantically.
He was 24 now. He’d celebrated the birthday with Hoseok and Jimin, Taehyung dropping by just as the day was almost over. He’d gotten more hugs and kisses than he knew how to deal with and he was so thankful for them. So earnestly grateful for the support always a glance away. He’d found himself on the verge of telling them lots of times over the years.
Sometimes he was sure they knew; the ones who’d identified and fiercely loved the ugliest sides of him. They’d know when the stars in his eyes shone brighter. They’d know why.
Jeongguk wanted to tell them. He didn’t want to make this a thing where all 5 of them knew of his crush on Yoongi. It almost felt like they were excluding the silver-haired rapper, and like, technically they were, but Jeongguk didn’t want to think of it like that.
Although, if Jimin knew about it Namjoon would too. And there was no way he couldn’t tell Jin, his hyung would worry if he’d made Jeongguk feel uncomfortable about approaching him with this.
He sighed morosely.
Oh the curse of being loved by too many people. He’d tell them tonight; Yoongi was supposed to go out for dinner with a producer of this upcoming hiphop group. Jeongguk had felt this brief flare of jealousy when Yoongi had first announced he’d managed to get a hold of this guy’s number, but he hadn’t managed to hold onto that feeling. Not with the way Yoongi had sidled up to him later that night and booped his nose, saying that if he got any cuter he’d be forced to bite it.
Aish. The hyung said anything sometimes. It’s a wonder Jeongguk hadn’t had a meltdown yet. But maybe that was his secret. He was always having a meltdown. Embarrassed by the Marvel references that wouldn’t quit his brain, he finally got out of his room to assemble the hyungs.
It was time.
Jeongguk agonized over whether to create a new group and text them or just tell Jimin he wanted to talk to all of them minus Suga hyung and he’d spread the word. The former would let him control exactly what he wanted to say, but they’d also immediately spam the chat with questions and *shudders* suggestive smileys. He did NOT want that. On the other hand, with Jimin hyung passing the message he could just go back in and hide but Jimin was never one to pass up a chance to stir the pot and he wouldn’t start now. But if he was going to talk to them later anyway, he could do damage control then.
Striding into Jimin’s room, Jeongguk remembered too late that the nicer he was now, the nicer Jimin would likely to be later. The older vocalist watched with amusement and no little consternation how their maknae swallowed his words mid-snarky grin. His eyebrows climbed even higher on his forehead when Jeongguk adopted a contrite expression, stopping by his bed and shuffling his feet adorably.
“What do you want?” Jimin tried to go over a list of favours the maknae could desire but nothing was coming to mind. He heaved a long-suffering sigh and set his book aside, patting the bed. “Come sit and tell hyung what’s happened. You’ve come here anyway so you might as well share Kook-ah.” Jimin urged him as the seconds passed with no word from the other.
Jeongguk tucked his hair behind his ear, nerves finally catching up to him. “Er..that to say..um..” he tried again.. “I was thinking,” he broke off once more to gaze at his hyung desperately, hoping he’d telepathically just GET IT, damnit how many years did they have to live together for that to happen.
But Jimin just stared at him patiently, now with a slightly worried expression. “Iwanttotalktoallofyoutonight.”
Jimin waited for a beat — before — “Okaayy, now say it again. But sloowlyy…” he enunciated. Ah this hyung was no help. Jeongguk blew a gust of air out and closed his eyes. Not wanting to see Jimin when he actually understood him.
“I want to talk to the hyungs today, to all of you, but not Yoongi hyung. I have something to tell you.”
A chortle sounded out in the still room. He opened his eyes to see his hyung frantically stifle his laughter with his tiny fists, making a rush of exasperation flow through him. “Hyuuuunngggg. Hyung, hyung Jimin hyuuuunggg.” When aegyo didn’t work he climbed over onto the bed properly, tickling the other to make him stop laughing at him.
“Oh stop, stop stop stop hyung is sorry s..stop,” Jimin coughed out amidst bouts of laughter. Jeongguk dropped his weight on him fully, getting a loud oof in return. Jimin started carding his fingers through his hair as they just lay there tiredly, all the happier for the other’s presence. “I’ll let them know in a bit. As far as I’m aware, nobody has any plans for tonight, seems like you’re in luck Kookie.”
He booped his nose once. Twice. Before pushing the heavier boy off him and straightening his clothes. Jimin’s face broke into a wide smile on watching the maknae sprawl all over the bed instead of actually getting up. It’d been more years than fingers on one hand but he still hadn’t gauged exactly how much the other 6 loved him.
All the better for them though. He’d have too much power otherwise.
He returned to his novel, not bothering to move the doe-eyed boy who fell into a gentle snooze on his hyung’s extremely comfortable (and well-upholstered unlike his own) bed.
Before he knew it, he was being woken awake with soft nips to his ear. Hoseok. He licked his dry lips once, teeth poking out in a bunny smile. “Jeonggukkieeee,” the older trilled, lying half on the vocalist, half off the bed.
Even half asleep, Jeongguk took a second to admire his hyung’s core strength, before turning around and tugging him onto himself. They wiggled for a minute before Hoseok settled finally, head tucked into his chin. He smiled sleepily, feeling his hyung continue to press light kisses onto his collarbone. He laced his fingers with the other’s, quietly asking what’s up.
“Jiminie told us you wanted to talk later? It’s almost dinner time now. Namjoon and Jin were about to worry a bit but I think he calmed them down by insinuating it wasn’t something bad. It isn’t bad right?”
He rubbed a warm palm up and down Hoseok’s back, choosing his words carefully. “Um, no hyungie, it’s not bad. “Like not for me at least, and — and hopefully not for you or all us too.”
The rapper propped himself on his elbows to peer into his dongsaeng’s eyes and what he saw there must have reassured him for he plopped down again. “Okay then baby, I won’t push you to reveal more now.” Linking fingers again, “but we need to get up now, hyung said he’ll order chicken, and it’s going to be here soon.”
Jeongguk groggily dragged himself to the living room after a few minutes, taking in the scene before him.
The others had all crowded onto the sofa, legs spread onto each other’s laps, chowing down open boxes of fried chicken. He grabbed one of his own and threw a pillow off the couch before sitting in its place. Jeongguk made sure to sit close to Jin, he didn’t know exactly how well the other vocalist would react but he could count on comfort if he needed it. The others didn’t say anything at first, content to eat great food and guzzle down whatever beverage they’d picked out. He was mid-mouthful when Tae noisily crumped his soda can and turned to him expectantly.
“Well?”
“Well what?” he ground out with his mouth half open, making Jin smack him on the head. Tae twisted his nose in disdain and scooted closer, eyes gleaming in excitement. “Jiminie said you have something to tell us? Now if it’s about how you’ve lost your virginity I need to — mmf mffpphhh…HYUNG.”
“No teasing while the baby is so nervous Tae” Jin calmly said even as he removed the pillow he was using to smother him.
Jeongguk did a happy little wiggle on hearing that. HE was the baby alright. Playing up to his hyung’s tender graces, he opened his doe-eyes as wide as they could get before starting to speak. A quick glance at everyone told him that his slight stutter had caught everyone’s attention, and now all that was left was to just tell them.
Couldn’t be harder than telling thousands of people his pants had ripped right.
He drew his knees to his chest and started rocking gently. A nervous tick all the hyungs recognized, but no one had the heart to say anything, not when he was so obviously stressed. Namjoon broke the slightly tense silence, reaching out as if it went against his very grain to not comfort Jeongguk immediately. “You know you can tell us anything right Kook-ah? Even your worst thoughts about yourself have nothing on the faith we have in you,” he stressed, letting the maknae take courage from his words.
He raised his eyes from where they were trained firmly on someone’s slippers and just let it all out at once. “I’m in love with Yoongi hyung and I have been in love with him for about two years now.”
In the immediate hush that followed, you could hear someone’s breath hitch and someone else’s speed up. Nobody said a word for a while, before Jin crowded into Jeongguk’s space and drew him into his arms quietly.
Feeling the wetness on his cheeks, he was surprised to find himself tear up at what was not outright disapproval. But on second thoughts, was he really? He’d carried this mounting feeling for a long, long time in his heart, not being able to fan or suppress it, controlling it from colouring every interaction, letting it burden him more and more till his throat felt permanently clogged with emotion. He deserved to sob a little.
“Aish JK,” his hyung heaved a sigh and pulled him even closer, “let it out yeah? Then we’ll talk.” As his tears dried into sniffles, he felt Jimin press up against his back, soft, steady hands expressing his support.
He doesn’t know what he’d been so afraid of. It wasn’t disgust, or anger, or even callousness he thought they would accuse him of. But, selfishness. He’d been selfish before. He just didn’t want them to believe, even briefly he was being selfish again, putting his own happiness and needs above the band’s.
Slowly…bit by bit…the story came out. Sensations, thoughts tumbled out, words spoken and bitten back. He had to find words he didn’t know he knew to describe what Yoongi was to him. How the man, the idea of being with him was like coming back from a trip and putting on the light switch in your living room. You already know where everything is and how it will be, but that one second of waiting for the space to be seen makes its sight more precious.
He fumbled through his explanation to be met with even more silence. But this one was warm. Welcoming as the other one was oppressing. They knew and they still loved him.
They told him so. More hands on him, lips kissing his brows, his ears, his nape, his hair. He was reassured, made to believe that he’d done nothing wrong by falling in love with a bandmate and they were sad he had to keep it a secret for so long but they understood why.
They told him that it was Yoongi who had pointed out how much love he had to give, so it only made sense for so much of it to be his. It was nearing ten when they were finally convinced he’d never doubt himself again, not in this respect.
Namjoon straightened from their cuddle pile, clearing his throat. “Um..I just wanted to put this out there, even though you haven’t asked for permission to date him, I hope you’re aware that you don’t exactly need it. You and hyung are both mature, capable adults who deserve all the good coming your way, and if you do want to confess to him at any time, we’ve got your back.” He hunched back into himself after this speech, as if he was done being the hyung again, and allowed Jimin to coo at him before wrapping him back into their pile of too-long limbs.
It was sweet. It was everything. Almost everything.
*
Jeongguk had thought things would get easier after confessing to the other hyungs. He now had them to turn to when he got overwhelmed by the depth of his feelings or to just chat with for perspective. But it had all gone downhill sooner than he'd imagined.
Everytime he interacted with Yoongi, one of them would give him an encouraging smile, or they'd be ribbing him about his crush in a corner of the room, and he'd catch Yoongi looked at them in askance from another corner. He didn't know how to make it all stop. How to make everything go back to normal.
It had gotten so nerve-wracking for him to be in the same room as the elder for more than a while, that he started making lamer and increasingly hollow excuses to avoid his company.
So much so, that the man himself noticed and confronted Jeongguk about it himself.
The world happened to some people. Some people happened to the world. Of course Yoongi would deal with this head on.
He’d be a fool to not be in love, at this point.
That conversation had gone something like this.
“So I thought long and hard about this.” Rapid blinks belying a sense of unease Jeongguk could never detect in his tone, “and I think you’re avoiding me… but I cannot come up with any reason why.”
Gentler, “Did hyung hurt you accidentally?”
He reared back in shock, not realizing how his little game of hide and seek had been coming across to the man he usually sought out several times a day.
He scrambled for an excuse but found that he would hurt the man he loved a little less if he just cut the bullshit.
“I haven’t been avoiding you hyung, I mean…I have, but not because you did something. I’m just going over my stance on some things, rethinking certain ideas, and…”
“Being around me makes it harder?” Yoongi looks stricken. Jeongguk even moreso immediately. “NO NO NO hyung nothing like that.” Inhales once, searches for the right words. “Being around you makes me want to not try hard enough — not in the sense that you make me lazier — but I keep thinking of how I could just depend on you to make it all go away.” He bites his lip nervously, earnestly says “and I really want to do this by myself hyungie. It’s for me.”
Yoongi looks at him for a long moment after. Eyes searching his face for any sign of falsehood, any sign of grief being concealed. At finding none, he steps back with a sound of satisfaction.
“I will never stop you from being there for yourself Gguk, you and I both know that. I just hope you also know that I want to be there for you too, if you’d let me, when you’d let me.”
And God, falling in love in love with this man had been so easy, it makes sense that what followed was turning out to be a bit harder in comparison.
*
It was a few weeks into summer and they were busy with a bunch of tasks and this particular hip thrust from hell Hoseok had choreographed with Sung-deuk. It was late in the evening when they realized nobody had special plans for the night and no chore to complete. Someone suggested getting a hot meal together, someone else seconded it, and soon they were falling over each other like excitable puppies, the idea of an impromptu outing actually working out being too good to be true.
“Um guys?” Jin called out in a subdued tone. Six heads whipped around, hearing the guilt in his voice already. “Hyung?” Jimin walked to him and sat down where he was reclined. “Are you not okay?”
“No it’s not that. It’s only that I really wanted to rest today and I don’t feel up to going out after this…but I want to spend time with you and if you guys really want to go out…” he trailed off uncertainly.
Jungkook frowned at this, “yeah obviously it’s not like your wishes matter to us at all hyung, it’s not like you’re one of the most important persons in our lives, pfft of course we’re still going out.”
“Yah,” he cried out, swallowing the laugh that threatened his façade, “-yaah Jeon Jeongguk, I did not raise you on my back to sass me.”
“I have carried you on my back enough times to repay that debt 7 times over,” he argued back, watching Jin redden with put on anger and laughter he’d rather die than let out. He stuck his tongue out instead of replying, and asked the others “what should we do then?” Tae piped up from his corner of the room, “we could always have ramen.” A quick glance around the room showed that everyone was okay with this, making Jimin clap his hands lously, “okay who’s going to the store to get it?” Jeongguk and Namjoon had their hands extended even before he finished asking the question, leading to a chorus of 가위 바위 보 .
The wheels of the trolley didn’t roll properly and the handle creaked if you put too much pressure on it. 7/11 stores in their side of town lacked the charm the ones that were in the corner of the city had. More sodium. More soju. More stories.
They were the only ones in the store aside from the tired, college-going cashier, who’d raised a disinterested eyebrow at them. But she was tapping away furiously on her phone. Jeongguk wondered idly if there would be an article on this tomorrow. Or maybe by 10 pm tonight.
BTS SUGA and Jeongguk spotted buying ramen. Bighit in financial trouble?
Or maybe they’d grind their axe another day. Spin a story about how idols were just like your next-door neighbours; only half starved and with better eye-makeup. He stopped wondering. What mattered more was that Yoongi hyung picked up the right brand of ramen. He had.
Jeongguk walked off to the last aisle in the shop, looking for a bottle of kimchi and some other condiments. He’d left his hyung in the fried food aisle and from this point in the store, he couldn’t see him anymore. He was feeling slightly uneasy being here for too long. Maybe it was because the cashier gave him weird vibes. They were both bundled up in puffy jackets and beanies and masks that covered 75% of their faces so he hadn’t honestly been worried about being recognized…but the risk was always there. Or maybe it was because they had had to walk quite a bit from the company building to get here and he didn’t know the area at all.
As a male, and a young, attractive, rich one at that, there were very few instances where any of them felt threatened without any obvious trigger. It was just a strange feeling and all he knew was that he didn’t like it. With a sweeping glance at the entire section he was in, he turned to pick a bottle of mustard when the lights flickered once — twice — and then they were out.
Taking a panicked breath in, it was all he could do at that moment to not let the bottle in his hands crash to the floor when he heard a loud thus from the other side of the store.
They say your brain can either shut down due to adrenaline or be twice as focused. Jeongguk’s had apparently decided on the former route because even as he reminded himself that there was no reason for him to be terrified, and that it was just his fear at play magnifying occurrences, he could not shake off the fright.
Not being able to see Yoongi only made things worse. He couldn’t hear the cashier at all and had it only been a minute since the lights had gone out, why wasn’t hyung calling out to him? He hurriedly walked out of the corner he was in, glad that parts of the store were still lit by the street lamps across the road. He was about to call out for his hyung when a voice spoke instead.
“Gukk? You’re there?”
He’d never been so glad to hear his hyung’s deep baritone. He still couldn’t see Yoongi, but those three words served to calm his rapid heartbeat a little, reminded him that he still had an anchor here.
He couldn’t see Yoongi yet but he could see the abandoned till from where he stood and he was about to start imagining another conspiracy theory when the man came into view. Herringbone jacket taut over his shoulders, he couldn’t make out his features yet, but he didn’t need the light to know Yoongi had sussed out that he was afraid.
He claimed it was a hyung sense. But privately Jeongguk thought he got it because he paid attention to the little things. The hitches in breath, the sound of the silence, the coldness fear always brought with it. He reached out and grabbed a fistful of the younger’s puffy jacket, dragging him with him to the front of the store.
He came to a stop on realizing the kid wasn’t there anymore. “You think she’s scared of the dark too?”
“Shut up hyung”
Yoongi laughed lowly before abandoning his almost full basket at the side of the room. “I’m not taking anything but the ramen if I cannot know the exact prices and I don’t like the idea of leaving behind a random amount.”
Jeongguk nodded in agreement, before realizing he couldn’t be seen either, and verbalized his response.
They carried multiple packets of the noodles each, and one bottle of kimchi he couldn’t leave behind. They started walking towards a familiar street but the streetlights hadn’t come back on yet and their hands were too full of ramen to use a cell torch.
“Are you going to tell me why you were afraid?”
He thought about it for a second. He never liked to replay his moments of weakness in front of others, but in any case, there was no concrete reason to give this time.
He shrugged lightly, eyes shifting around everywhere but to those already staring at him.
“The vibes were weird I guess? I don’t know, I was already freaking myself out when the lights went and it just worsened things.” He was frustrated with himself for worrying the other. Tried to explain some more, “I am not judging the shop and I’m sure the cashier was perfectly decent too, but —“
He cut himself off again, unable to formulate his thoughts into coherent sentences. But how do you verbalize instincts you haven’t understood yourself? How do you rationalize something so primal it goes beyond logic, beyond the mind as it is.
“There was just a weird….” “vibe,” Yoongi finishes.
He whirls around to look at his hyung for the first time since they left the shop, not expecting to share an experience he believed existed solely due to his imagination and bingeing one show too many. “I get it bun, sometimes certain places don’t have the best aura to them, and neither do people; you don’t need to beat yourself up over not taking to all environments like a fish to water,” he urged.
There was no need to add to that so he kept quiet, digesting the words. He didn’t want to glance at Yoongi again, afraid to find him already looking back. So he parked his gaze on the concrete and the slim shafts of light that lit their way, eyeing Yoongi’s shadow from the corner of his eye.
It was if two shapeless blobs were walking down the road. Their jackets and hats and arms held at awkward angles not letting any proper shape be seen. But if he squinted a little bit and tilted his head to the left, Jeongguk swore he could make out the gentle slope of Yoongi’s shoulders, the lines around his eyes. He knew he was stronger but walking side by side with his hyung in complete silence and almost-darkness, he noticed even more clearly how the other’s shoulders were broader, much more suited to carry the weight he did. Not just the burden of being Min Yoongi and Agust D and beacon of hope to millions, but the weight of being for the six of them. Moving closer to gently nudge his shoulder, he reveled in the gummy smile he received in return. He didn’t need the light to see how Yoongi supported him. He just needed —
*
It was monsoon when he’d had to swallow his pride and enlist the help of Jimin and Taehyung, and after a lot of aegyo and one very expensive YSL necklace, they agreed to help him, but work at his pace. Jeongguk had had enough of this push and pull, and he thought he was ready to tell Yoongi he loved him. But he had to ease into this. He couldn’t just walk upto the man and blurt out his confessions — that might not be well received. But he also was fresh out of ideas on what to do. Almost tearing his hair in frustration as he conveyed that to the two older vocalists, he conveyed how frustrating the entire ordeal had gotten.
“Maybe don’t cosplay a sloth and we can do this at your pace?” Taehyung grimaced at him. Jeongguk threw a pillow at him with no remorse and took great pleasure in the resulting yelp.
He should have expected it. He cannot believe he hadn't seen this coming but
Jeongguk was currently stood in just a pair of fitted, black boxers and an old, ratty t-shirt in the middle of the kitchen in pitch black darkness, cursing to high heavens that he’d ever opened his mouth in front of Taehyung and Jimin. He was supposed to “just stand there casually” at 12:30 am (which is when Yoongi usually came back from the studio), pretending to be “thirsty” (Jimin got a kick out of the irony), and “normally greet the tired rapper and observe how he reacted to Jeongguk’s half naked state” (Tae believed that sleep deprived people were the most honest).
He couldn’t believe he’d been roped into what was obviously one of their absurd schemes they swore would help him catch Yoongi’s eye; and he’d have to stand there like an idiot for at least half an hour (or Jimin would know) and lose sleep himself before trudging back to bed and feeling thrice as worse for having tried this at all.
Sighing in muted frustration, he twisted around to the kitchen cabinets around him to get to the candy stash he knew Namjoon hid there. Their sweet, sweet leader always thought nobody would attempt to take it because it high up and they were generally lazy in pursuit of snacks, BUT, he hadn’t taken into account how upset Jeongguk was at this precise moment. He got onto the counter and kneeled on the cool marble, groping past an empty jar, plastic boxes of cereal, some weirdly shaped plastic bag, another jar and — shit did he drop something?
The lights flicked on and he paused with his hand closed around the candies, almost afraid to look down and see shards of shattered glass lying everywhere. He backed down slowly, butt gradually making its way to the back of his heels, and the minute he settled there was the sound of a breath hitching behind him. His eyes widened in response immediately and his first thought was that Jin had come up and seen him drop the jar and was about to shout at him, followed by the image of a sleepy, yet upset rapper hyung he never ever wanted to disappoint, followed by —
Holy shit.
His shoulders, if anything, tensed even more and he could heard an audible gulp coming from the other. He swiveled on his knees and turned around to the last person he’d have wanted to see in this situation.
“Guuk? I- wha- you’re – what?”
He reddened immediately, tugging the corner of his t-shirt below to hid his embarrassment, colouring further when he noted how Yoongi’s eyes followed the movement.
“I, um, I was thirsty.”
“So you climbed onto the counter to get to Joon-ah’s secret candy stash?”
“You know about this too?” Jeongguk’s eyebrows drew together in surprise.
Yoongi snorted and dragged out a chair, giving a bemused smile to the other when he still knelt there, mouth agape.
Jeongguk felt his age as he clambered down clumsily, trying to not let his thigh muscles strain, but going by the way Yoongi’s eyes darkened, he failed on that front. Huh. He’d unpack that later when alone or with the other two of the maknae line, he had a feeling he’d need someone to hold him.
“So, what were you really doing out here at this time, half-naked and a little too terrified to see me for it to be justifiable?”
Jeongguk pursed his lips and huffed, not wanting the other to see the extent to which he did NOT have an answer to any of those questions.
“This isn’t half naked. Did you think I was half naked ? Did you want me to be half naked?”
“Jeongguk.” Yoongi’s voice was strained. “Please don’t make me ask again.”
He trained his gaze onto the table between them, “Uhm, well, as you know I go to sleep in just boxers,” Yoongi choked at this, “and I couldn’t fall asleep too easily, so I figured I might as well get some sugar in me.”
He dared to look up. “That’s all hyung, I wasn’t worried or stressed about anything. It’s just one of those nights.”
“Just one of those nights huh baby?” It was Jeongguk’s turn to choke, ears questioning if he’d heard right, mind ringing half a dozen alarms and then some. In his attempt to not die at the kitchen table, he hadn’t realized when Yoongi had abandoned his chair and come to stand behind him, looming over the younger for once.
He placed his palm over the thin cotton on his back, rubbing it up and down, pressing his touch into Jeongguk’s skin. His eyes were watering as he coughed out the last of his surprise weakly, not knowing whether to wrench away from the touch or lean into it. With one last heaving breath he quietened finally, the heat of Yoongi’s palm still burning into his back in all the places it grazed upon.
The rapper broke into a low laughter and leaned his chin on his head, breathing in the scent of fresh linen and something slightly more floral.
“Go to bed Gukkie,” he breathed into his curls, “and try not to die on me next time.”
A kiss so gentle on his forehead he’d convince himself he imagined it later on, the elder went on his way into the rooms, not turning back even once.
The air between them changed after that night. Jeongguk had always been playful with Yoongi, but it’s like Yoongi became playful right back. He’d complain but he didn’t think he could go more than two hours without a gummy smile or a wink or a graze anymore. Jeongguk LOVED the development, but he couldn’t shake off a feeling that this was not how he wanted things to proceed.
If the others noticed this change, they thankfully said nothing. As it is, Jimin and Taehyung were now privy to every little development in what was code-named OMG, or Operation ManduGguk. Yes, they were funny; no, they would not entertain constructive criticism.
Tae had cornered him the next day after the kitchen incident, wanting to know if something happened. Putting his hand on his face, Jeongguk groaned at how he’d stuttered and stammered, thinking about the not-kiss and Yoongi’s eyes tracing his thighs. A gleeful Taehyung had gotten the story out of him, which had led to them meeting later that night in Jeongguk’s room again.
"So Yoongi hyung wants to bang you too.”
“Plf whdy how did you get THAT from that I said?” Jeongguk cried, horrified.
“I was wearing barely anything! You made me put on my tightest boxers! Of course he’d look at my thighs- they were right there,” Jeongguk finished weakly.
“Jeongguk,” the second youngest began patiently again. “You’re barely wearing anything right now. And not to say that Jiminie and I did not check out your collarbones, or that his hand on your calf is purely platonic, but I do not want to jump your bones just because you look like a 7-course meal.”
Scooching towards Jeongguk on the bed and tugging him closer by the waist, he dug his bony chin into the maknae’s shoulder. “I still just want to boop your nose and hold your face between my palms because I find you adorable at all times. Even when you’re hot you’re adorably so.”
Jeongguk turned a fiery shade of red immediately, trying to curl into himself with a squeak. Taehyung laughed lowly and piled upon him, hot breath at the shell of his ear. “Hyung will protect your virtue baby,” he squeaked again at that, “stop hiding from us.”
Jeongguk batted their hands away and sat back up, trying, and failing, to look put out by them trying to fluster him.
“Baby kink huh?” Jimin began slyly, prompting him to shove his head between his knees again. The other laughed and tugged him upwards, “oh no you don’t Ggukkie, we’re just teasing our baby , don’t be like this.”
He’d puffed his cheeks out at that and let them coo at him some more before leaving him alone, promising to help make OMG a success.
Part #2 of OMG began on a Thursday night in their dorm. The plan was this, as Jeongguk’s hyung, Yoongi naturally saw himself as the caretaker in the relationship. Not only did he have 4 years on the maknae, he’d spent way more time dealing with the shittiest of human beings and some extremely unsavoury circumstances. Jeongguk, on the contrary, had been fiercely sheltered — first by his family, and then by the six of them for as much as possible considering he was a K-pop idol.
Thus logic determined that for Yoongi to truly unlock how he felt about Jeongguk and see him as a worthy partner, he first had to understand that the younger, too, could provide for him. Sure it had been a while since they were early man and relied on instincts alone, but Taehyung wisely explained how appealing to one’s innermost self never hurt.
The maknae needed to prove to the elder rapper that while he may not be able to solve riddles given by the Sphinx, he could easily beat the everlasting shit out of it and get them out of the maze either way. The brains and the brawn, yin and yang, they both had parts of the other but only together they were whole.
Jeongguk was sold. He didn’t spend all that time getting swole to not use it when it counted. He was going to show some muscles and Yoongi was going to see it.
They started small. Jimin made sure to call out to him loudly whenever he needed help lifting something, and Taehyung kept joking about how Jeongguk picked him up immediately after a minor skirmish. Yoongi was sitting on the couch with Namjoon when the vocalist launched himself at them and landed on their leader. “—Oof Taehyung-ah! Don’t you think you’re getting too heavy for these kinds of things?” he asked with a frown, even as he ruffled the other’s hair and patted his cheeks absentmindedly.
Still in a sprawl, Taehyung turned over so he could see both his hyungs properly. “Jeongguk easily took my weight when I fell on him, I thought you were stronger than him hyung” he said innocently.
Namjoon barked out a laugh and denied the claim. “Maknae grew stronger than me a while back, and with thighs like his you could probably easily take the weight of half this band.” He grinned good naturedly, “did you just come here to take a dig at my strength?”
Taehyung looked sufficiently demure when he murmured a no and turned to his older hyung, who had been suspiciously quiet till then. “What do you think hyung?”
“Hmm?”
“What do you think one can do with thighs like Jeongguk’s?”
Yoongi stilled at the question as if held at gunpoint, and Taehyung watched as a pale flush started from behind his ears and extended to his neck.
“You don’t need to answer hyung,” he offered, “after all how much could you have thought about Jeongguk’s thighs anyway.” He patted the rapper on his uncovered knee. “I’m going now, I think I’ll go work out with Kookie.”
Yoongi let out a strangled sound once the last of the almost-maknae was seen, much to Namjoon’s increasing amusement. He snorted, unable to control himself. “What?” Yoongi asked sharply. “There’s obviously nothing hyung,” he glanced up slyly, “I couldn’t possibly be insinuating anything.”
He got an elbow to his stomach for his efforts, and he laughed outright at that.
“So,” the silver-tongued leader began again, deceptively casual, “funny how Jeongguk is the strongest in the group.”
“Hilarious.” Yoongi muttered.
Namjoon continued as if he hadn’t heard the other, “And it’s funnier that you continue to be in denial about how much you like him.” “Can’t stop laughi- what?” Yoongi’s eyes widened before he got his expression under control again. “What..what makes you think I like him?”
Joon had a pitying expression on his face when he turned to him. “Oh hyung, if you genuinely believe that all of us haven’t caught on, except Jeongguk, who can be incredibly dense about people crushing on him, then you have another thing coming.”
Yoongi spluttered for a minute, searching for the right words to express his righteous indignance before giving up with a sigh. He put his head in his hands as his best friend patted him gently on the back, offering silent comfort, no less solid for the lack of words.
“He’s just, he’s just so cute Namjoon-ah,” he finally looked up miserably. His little face was twisted in abject misery, as if nothing pained him more than their maknae’s cuteness. “He walks out with the worst bedhead every morning and I just want to ruffle it and make it worse…and the other day he scrunched his nose while laughing and it took more strength than I have to not get up and kiss him.”
“Why don’t you?”
There was a moment of silence as Yoongi digested what was just asked. Then there was another moment of silence where he fish-mouthed and stared at Namjoon as if he hadn’t seen the man ever before.
He gulped loudly, “Yes Joon, why /don’t/ I kiss my makn- our maknae?” Blinked rapidly; “it isn’t like I’ll be changing things between us irrevocably, or that I’d be jeopardizing the very thing I’m struggling to save, or even, here’s a thought, it isn’t like I’d be putting you out of a job since you’re the leader of BTS and if I kiss Kookie, as per your suggestion, there will be no BTS because he probably doesn’t return my feelings and he will run for the hills or to Jimin who would then forbid me from ever talking to his precious dongsaeng and then what huh Joon,” he ended aggressively, “then what .”
“Then you rewind time till you go back to this exact moment and realize your meltdown was unnecessary because anyone with eyes can see he will not run anywhere if you kiss him.” Namjoon said calmly. “And THEN you go kiss him.”
Yoongi groaned at his words. “Easy for you to say, Jimin makes you work for it, sure, but at least he makes it obvious enough that there’s something to work with.” He looked over, “ah ah no Joon-ah, anyone with eyes can see that if you don’t kiss him soon enough, he will run to the hills with you.”
He watched the man flush in satisfaction, job as both, hyung and troublemaker well done. Jin would be proud.
*
Once phase make Yoongi Notice Jeongguk had been completed, they’d managed to make sure Yoongi and Jeongguk were always together. This, was supposed to enable the elder to observe how their maknae had blossomed from a shy, stuttering boy to a confident young man with exquisite conversational skills. As a result, either they were the only ones in the practice room so the latter would have to help the other with warm ups, or they’d urge them to come out to eat with them and then ditch at the last minute.
Jimin would ask a question to Yoongi and find a way to bring Jeongguk into the discussion. Or Jeongguk got roped into discussing the merits of matte paint vs. glossy paint in the middle of his workout. It got so overwhelming that Jeongguk started feeling the tendrils of anxiety curl up in his chest once again. While he didn’t mind getting to spend time alone with his hyung, or even going on and on about tin roofs; the rapper wasn’t stupid, and would catch on if Jeongguk didn’t put a stop to this blatant manipulation.
So the next time the 95 liner sprung a dinner plan for the 5 of them; (Jin had been roped in for the plan too although he’d been strangely unwilling) Jeongguk put his foot down and said he’d made other plans instead.
Jimin made a face at him from behind the hyungs, but he was pretty sure he needed to take a step back. He was also worried about Yoongi getting tired of him. They already spent so much time together, and did he really want to push the envelope of that tolerance? What if Yoongi started to find him too loud, too exuberant, too needy?
His hyung always stressed how they had this shared love for quiet in interviews. But he knew that he tended to be whiney and screechy when with all of them. Did he find him annoying then? A shudder ran through him at the thought and he walked out of the room faster than they could ask any questions.
To get his mind off things, Jeongguk put on a movie on the TV and sat with his own lunch — delivery of tuna kimbap, honey butter chips, and pickled radish. He hadn’t been paying much attention while ordering, but the assortment wasn’t bad together luckily. Taking a big bite of the kimbap, he tried to lose himself in Kiki’s indignance and the sheer beauty of the animation on the screen.
That worked for a bit, but soon every time Jiji popped up on screen he was forced to think of another very similar person (cat?) in his life. He growled lightly, upset with himself for letting things get this bad. He sat through the rest of the movie distractedly before texting on all of the groupchats he was part of, barring the Bangtan one. He wanted the conversation equivalent of what Twitter Army called shitposting. He stalked them, he knew.
Yugyeom texted back that he was free and they spent a half hour discussing some celeb gossip Jackson had told the other. Jeongguk loved Jackson. The whole world did, but he was sure he loved him a little extra, and not just because the man wore as many hats as the parties he threw. Underneath all of joviality and the quick-wittedness, there was just this really cuddly, warm, bear of a human being and damn having a crush on someone like Jackson would have been so much easier.
He snorted at that. He was long past the crush stage and he had to start admitting that to himself if ever wanted to get anywhere with Yoongi. He was debating sharing his woes with the other maknae, knowing even if he might not fully get it, he’d be a good shoulder to cry on. But he’d just started searching for the perfect meme to ease into the conversation with when there was a knock on his closed bedroom door.
Jeongguk threw aside his phone after shooting a quick last text and opened the door to his hyung.
It was funny how after spending the last few hours in anxiety over a person, the only thing that could bring about any semblance of calm was that person themselves. The waves of his psyche were always in upheaval, flotsam on the surface and everything below murky, but no matter how terrible the torrent, the moon could get it to calm down by just being.
He could feel the tug in his chest right now.
He breathed in the aroma of lamb skewers, a question in his eyes. The rapper shuffled forward a bit, forcing him to take a step into his room. Yoongi hefted the bag in his hand and pushed it at him. “You…I, I wasn’t sure if you had lunch? You walked away really quickly and I don’t know… but Jin hyung said you looked tensed too. So I brought you some lamb skewers in case you were hungry.” He exhaled loudly and closed his eyes.
Jeongguk couldn’t help but notice the lines on his forehead, the way his shoulders had caved into himself. Had he done that?
“Hyung?” he said timidly. He looked into Yoongi’s eyes searchingly, feeling the elder’s tiredness as a palpable thing — and suddenly he felt so guilty, so angry at the distance he’d been forcing between them.
Despite taking so many steps back, Yoongi had met him at each and every stop along the way; keeping his distance but making his presence known. A home if he ever wanted to return.
He closed his eyes for a second in regret. He was done being stupid. Jeongguk reached out and to Yoongi’s surprise, grabbed his hand instead of the bag.
“I’ve already eaten hyung and I know you have too, but if you’d like, we could finish these together?”
Already tugging him slightly, Jeongguk caught sight of a slowly emerging smile on the latter’s face before turning around and feeling a little happier than he was earlier. A lot more settled.
*
Yoongi wouldn’t admit it, but Namjoon’s words got him thinking later on. Was he being wilfully obtuse to the younger’s feelings? Did he not understand what was going on? But Jeongguk had been the one pulling away from him. Yoongi was so confused.
Anxiety made it harder to see things clearly. He’d been so certain Jeongguk was upset the other day, but showing up at his door had allayed those concerns. The maknae seemed completely fine, and happy to see him. He was unused to having to examine every single action…thought…gesture, but his swirling doubts made him do just that. He knew how he felt for the other. But what if, what if Jeongguk wanted something purely casual? All that rapping about tongue technology and cracking innuendoes was coming back to bite him in the ass now.
Meanwhile the maknae line was becoming increasingly conspicuous with their plans and Yoongi’s goal was made a thousand times easier for Jeongguk appeared to be wherever he went, literally. He saw the younger bend down a little extra while lifting objects, perky ass pushed out. He observed him moaning indecently over hotteok, choked at how he lifted his shirt at every opportunity to wipe the sweat on his brow. But any overt attention from the other would make him look slightly nervous, or so he thought, and Yoongi was worried he was misreading all the signals and this would end up in one gigantic mess. He sat in his room and troubled his thumbnail as he gave this some more thought.
He had to approach this analytically. Jeongguk and he had shared a normal relationship (once upon a time), then, due to a sequence of events he was yet to understand, the younger had begun avoiding him for a bit. But that had ceased a few weeks, if not more than a month ago, and things had gone back to normal. –ish. Normalish, Yoongi corrected himself begrudgingly. Jeongguk still wasn’t fully himself around him and yesterday he’d squeaked when Yoongi had grabbed his arm while executing a dance move. But Jeongguk also roamed around the dorm wearing increasingly tight shirts these days. And he’d been moisturizing his glorious, tan legs right beside Yoongi last week when he’d suddenly swung them over to the other’s lap. So evidently touching, or skinship wasn’t an issue.
Jeongguk had gotten weird almost immediately after the trip to the dentist. Yoongi didn’t even notice that he’d drawn blood at how hard he’d tugged on his hangnail. Was that it? Did seeing Yoongi in a weak, embarrassing state make him want to stay away from his hyung?
Because if Jeongguk had upped the physical contact and glances and had become weirded out at the sight of Yoongi being vulnerable, and god he didn’t even know yet what all he’d said that day, was he…did he…
“DO you think Jeongguk is trying to seduce me?” he burst into Hoseok’s room, startling him enough to spit out the water in his mouth. The remnant weakly dribbled out as he spluttered at the room at large. Yoongi turned abruptly to Jin, who, why was it always the two of them, sat on the bed with his shoulders shaking silently. “WELL?” he demanded, “what do you think?”
Jin patted the duvet in front of him, a clear invitation to sit, but Yoongi was too wound up to do so and chose to pace in front of the bed instead. They let him do so for a bit before Hoseok gently tugged his elbow and made him settle on the bed, holding his hand in the process because Hoseok was the best friend anyone could ever ask for and he’d never doubt this.
He made himself as small as he could and may have even puffed his cheeks out in the beginning to ensure they were softened before beginning. “Don’t you think Gguk’s pecs are a little — ” Fuck. Fuck no that wasn’t what he was going to start with. “His gym shor-” “hesmiledatmetheotherdaywhiledoingrepsandiwantedtositonhimandcuddlehimatthesametime.”
Shit. That was definitely not what he was going for. Hoseok was red with the effort of trying not to laugh while Seokjin had no such compunctions and was teary eyed with hysterics. His loud, wheezy laughter was all they heard for a while as Yoongi reevaluated all his life choices. “This,” more laughter, “this sounds less like Gguk seducing you and you wanting to jump his bones as he goes about his day.”
Hoseok snorted in agreement, petting Yoongi’s head commiseratingly, “to be fair we’ve all been there at least once since he turned inconceivably hotter.” Yoongi whipped his head around to look at his once best friend, now business partner, “you whaat” he shouted before clamping his mouth shut, not wanting anyone to come investigate the noise.
“What do you mean you’ve all been there?”
“Nothing much, only that all of us have noticed him buffing up and it’s no secret that he’s gorgeous,” Seokjin said after a beat. “He’s all yours to woo though.”
Yoongi groaned in reply, much to their amusement. “Coming back to the topic,” Hoseok said, “what is all this about him seducing you? I wouldn’t think he had it in him…” he drifted off honestly.
Yoongi was almost tempted to tell them to leave it, not wanting to go over the “evidence” but he’d introduced this and they were like dogs with a bone when the desire struck. He explained, tersely, everything he’d been put through in the last few weeks, wringing his hands like a maiden in despair, which he almost was at the moment, only instead of an ankle he had the slimmest waist known to mankind in front of him all the time.
He huffed some more and they gazed into different directions, each lost in a different train of thought. “How bad will it be is he is actively seducing you,” Jin spoke up, exchanging a quick glance with Hoseok.
“Huh?”
The oldest licked his lips before starting again, “ If , and this is a hypothetical, if JK was to be seducing you, he was trying to, would it be a bad thing?” he finished delicately.
Yoongi trained his gaze onto the whorls on the duvet, surprised at how quickly the answer came to him. He just didn’t know how to put it. “It…it won’t necessarily be a bad thing, you’d know that, you know how I feel about him…” “But?” Jin interrupted eagerly and he could see Hoseok bend forward too out of the corner of his eye, “Why are you both being weird?” he asked abruptly, to see them rear back in shock, poker faces on immediately.
But he knew them too well by now. “What do you know?” Yoongi drew his eyebrows together and stared at them suspiciously. He watched them exchange another loaded glance, and Hoseok twisted his lips unhappily before Jin whooped and grabbed him by the shoulder.
He had a slightly maniacal on his face now, and Yoongi was automatically, understandably scared, but also intrigued. “Complete your sentence first, and then I’ll tell you what I know.” Jin commanded, and he knew there wouldn’t win this one.
“But that’s not all I want from him. However,” he rubbed his hand over his face tiredly, “It is Jeongguk, and I would be lying if I said I wouldn’t want to have his attention on me in anyway I can get it.”
He removed his hand to observe Jin and Hoseok looking at him with twin expressions of sympathy and something else that he couldn’t quite identify. In a rare moment of gravity, Jin straightened out his expression, “I will say this just once because I don’t like being emotionally expressive unless those emotions concern only me™ but for you I will make an exception. You’re a catch. That sentence doesn’t even begin to encompass all the ways in which you’re wonderful but I don’t have all day and neither does Seok. Which is why I really don’t think you need to believe, in any way, that your heart needs to be broken for you to gain the attention of anyone, regardless of how brilliant the other person is.”
“Also, I may have it on good authority that you have been called unbearably sexy, although I would like to think, as a 10 myself, the levels are quite bearable but what do I know about mortals and your tolerance levels. Do with that what you may.”
Hoseok’s eyes grew imperceptibly wider “HYUNG,” he hissed. But Yoongi was too far gone to care, the words “unbearably sexy” running in his head. He rounded upon them, eyes holding an unholy glee upon this discovery. Jin gazed at him for a long moment, and Hoseok kept opening his mouth as if to add to that tidbit, but eventually, he just shut his mouth tightly and heaved a sigh.
*
Yoongi was a man on a mission now. It had been two days since the conversation with Jin and Hoseok and not only had he not managed to make any progress but he’d been forced to sit through a long, explicit conversation about Jeongguk’s plush bottom lip by none other than Jimin and the brat himself.
He wondered for a second if everyone around them could see how there was a forcefield pushing them together, if they were the ones acting as such, and he needed to just go with the motion and he’d get where he needed to be. But Yoongi had never been okay with the idea of passivity. Especially not when making a move mattered this much, when it didn’t just concern him but also one of his favourite persons on this planet.
He had on good authority that Jeongguk might like him back. Jin had refused to state things explicitly but he was smart, he could connect the dots, he could- “What are you doing?” he blanched, jumping almost a foot up in the air.
Jeongguk was splayed on the floor a scant foot away, half hidden by the table Yoongi had just passed. His left leg lay at an awkward angle and his shorts were straining over the curve of his ass as he stretched the leg out at much as possible. Eyes trailing upwards, Yoongi noted how his cheeks had the faintest flush on them, eyes containing a barely-visible sheen.
His mouth dried as he thought of exactly how many times in the past few months had he thought of this exact scenario, only they were in a bedroom, on a bed, so Jeongguk’s knees wouldn’t hurt; speaking of which why was he — damn — “Gguk? Gguk baby? You’re hurt?”
He fell to the floor himself with a thud, covering the last step on his knees and putting a trembling palm on the maknae’s warm thigh, not knowing if the touch was welcome. Jeongguk whined out softly, and he immediately started untangling the strands of hair that were covering half his face, pushing them behind his ear with a tenderness that would have left a stranger feeling uncomfortable at the sheer intimacy witnessed.
“What happened?”
Jeongguk sniffled a bit, cute, adorable nose scrunched up, “I was walking to my room when I suddenly thought of that dance move Hobi-hyung showed us a few days ago, and…and I thought I could just try to do a more muted version right now but I slipped and bashed my ankle against this table leg,” Yoongi winced at this, “and now it’s throbbing so much I decided to give myself a minute to lie here and feel sorry for myself,” another sniffle, and nope, Yoongi was definitely not endeared.
He did not want to coo at the overlarge puppy he’d just found and he most definitely didn’t want to kiss that little nose till the flush on his skin came back with a vengeance.
“Hyung?” Jeongguk said uncertainly, when he’d said nothing for a while but just stared at the other, gaze fixed somewhere in the region of his waist/thighs/torso?
He shook himself out of the daze and murmured at the other younger one soothingly, rubbing his hand down his leg, he could feel the goosebumps he left in his wake and he had an idea.
Like sure, he was a hyung first and foremost and he really wanted to ease Jeongguk’s pain immediately and help him into a more comfortable position, but he was also opportunistic, and mildly in the chaotic evil territory, so he also really did want to give the maknae a taste of his own medicine.
He got up and walked around to the other side of the still-sprawled man and tapped his shoulder, gesturing at him to sit up. Once he did so, Yoongi squatted exactly behind him, and put his knees on either side of the other, effectively caging him between his body and the table. He then threw a silent prayer heavenward, hoping no one stepped into this part of the dorm just then.
“Hyungie- what-“ Jeongguk had realized their position by now and was trying to twist around to put some distance between the two but Yoongi couldn’t have that. He quickly shot his arms out and placed his hands lightly on Jeongguk’s waist, leading to the loose t-shirt he’d been wearing caving under the pressure, outlining exactly how tiny it was. He heard an intake of breath from the other and leaned closer, close enough that his mouth grazed the top of his ear’s shell, “if you can bring your legs together and fold them beneath you, I’ll hoist you up Jeongguk-ah.”
He felt the maknae tense in his hold, knowing he was trying to find a way to get out of this, but the rapper wouldn’t give up without a fight, not when now he knew, without a shred of doubt.
He leaned forward to manhandle Jeongguk’s legs the way he needed them to be, letting his fingers linger on his calves, beneath his knees, feeling the soft skin there, before gripping his waist again. He mumbled ready before he was hoisting the younger one, careful to not put pressure on the ankle slowly turning blue.
He knew Jeongguk could hobble to his room himself, but he was the hyung in this situation. He had to show he cared. And how much. So he bit back a smile at Jeongguk’s hands nervously hovering over his own at the other’s waist, before suggesting that he place one on his shoulder, for support, as he was helped into his room.
Slowly helping him down onto the mattress, he cursed his decision to skip more gym sessions than not. He wanted to jerk his arms a bit to get rid of the prickly sensation in them, but doing so would mean Jeongguk would tuck himself in or something, and so he had to move fast.
“Wait! Don’t just go to sleep like that.”
Jeongguk paused in the act of unfolding his blanket and looked at him, head tilted slightly.
Shit. He hadn’t thought this far ahead. “Um. I just meant, that if you neglect your ankle now it might worsen, especially since we need to dance the whole morning tomorrow. Um. So. You could…” Fuck he was a genius, “I could ice it for you right now.” He finished, with an overbright grin, pretty proud of himself for this. He wrenched the blanket out of his hands before he could say a word and was out of the room faster than he ever moved usually. There was an ice pack kept in the mini fridge in Jimin and Hoseok’s room and he walked, almost jogged, there in his rush.
Grabbing it, he also picked up a plush from Hoseok’s bed last minute, quickly on his way to winning best-not-yet-boyfriend award of the year. Pushing open the door to the maknae’s room, he surved how the other was bent over the swollen ankle, which looked ridiculously beat up for merely having lost a fight with their furniture. He hissed through his teeth as he tenderly moved Jeongguk’s fingers away and replaced it with his own, long fingers brushing over the heated skin.
Making a soft noise of warning, he placed the ice pack on the wound and Jeongguk immediately made himself taut, before blinking rapidly and relaxing himself again. He was tempted to comfort the other verbally but he didn’t know what to say, so he settled for carding his other hand through the long bangs that hung over his forehead.
Yoongi reached down to where he’d left the plush and handed it to Jeongguk silently, observing how his nose turned rosier and his bunny teeth peeked out from where they were biting his plush lower lip.
“Th..thank you hyungie.” Jeongguk met his eyes shyly and cuddled the toy closer, a stark difference from how he’d been recently, and Yoongi was reminded of everything good he wanted to protect.
The only light in the room came from a moon lamplight on the corner shelf in Jeongguk’s room, and yet Yoongi didn’t need to see to know how the little’s ones eyes were probably sparkling with the weight of a thousand emotions, held in a heart large enough to include the best parts of the universe, that somehow still made room for him again and again.
The vocalist had started to yawn now so Yoongi wrapped a handkerchief he found over the icepack, reminding himself to come check it in an hour so his skin wouldn’t freeze. He got up from his position at the end of the bed but Jeongguk quickly grabbed his hand again before he could move to far.
“I mean it hyung,” he whispered, squeezing his palm, fingers almost linked together, “I…sometimes it is easy to forget in the crazy lives we lead, but I hope you know how much you mean to me.”
Yoongi’s lips parted in response, but the words wouldn’t come once again. He desperately wanted to lay all his cards in the open but at the same time, the ugly tendril of doubt in his chest wouldn’t let him read too much into Jeongguk’s words now that they were directed at him.
He just squeezed his hand back tightly, linked their fingers together before raising it to his lips briefly. Jeongguk’s eyes widened impressively but he didn’t let that deter him for once, “I’m starting to get an idea Gguk-ah. Go to sleep now, hyung will wake you up before dinner.”
Saying so, he took his hand back and left the room. Fingers oddly bereft, as if now that they had finally found something they wanted to hold onto, leaving it rendered them incomplete.
*
Yoongi didn’t know that his actions had caused one sleepy maknae to sit up as soon as the door was closed. Hurried text shot off to two insanely meddlesome, insanely well-meaning hyungs, who promised to descend upon him within the hour, and he drifted off to sleep at last with the assurance that help was on its way.
Jeongguk woke up to hushed conversation and he smacked his lips loudly to the sound of a shutter going off. Squinted his eyes open, he saw Jimin by his feet, carefully unwrapping the makeshift bandage Yoongi had tied, while Taehyung played with his Jeongguk’s fingers with one hand and held Jimin with the other.
He gently tugged on the long fingers to indicate he was up, and Taehyung turned the astonishing brightness of his gaze upon him. “Gukkie!!!” he cooed, hand moving up to shuck the underside of his chin, “baby what happened?”
He flopped his upper body onto Taehyung’s lap, burrowing himself into the soft fabric of his trousers, taking a minute to just soak in the comfort. He could make a home here, surrounded by two of the loveliest men he’d had the privilege of knowing, the aroma of jiggae at a distance, muffled sounds of his other hyungs in the background.
“Yoongi hyung kissed me.”
“Ow, ow hyung ,”
“Sorry, sorry!!” Jimin exclaimed, removing his hands from Jeongguk’s ankles as if scalded, where he’d unconsciously gripped tightly at the revelation.
“Yoongi hyung did what?”
He looked at the two avid expressions with a frown, not really wanting to repeat /that/. But, “I mean…he helped me to my room, and he was being incredibly sweet, and openly doting in a way he usually isn’t, and IDK, maybe he thought I was almost asleep, or something, but- um. But he kinda, kissed the back of my hand?”
“Do you want us to go ask him what the kiss meant?” he asked, only half joking.
“What? No! I just.” Jeongguk sighed in defeat, “do you think he could like me back? Because his actions felt really playful and flirtatious, and now I’m worried he was just trying to fluster me because I’ve been trying to do the same with him.”
The abrupt silence made him feel even more nervous, it’s like all the signs were there but he suddenly didn’t know how to read, and needed someone else to interpret it for him.
“Do..” Taehyung began slowly, “do we think Yoongi hyung, the man who just kissed the back of your hand like a Victorian gentleman and treats you like a delicate crystal artifact even at the worst of times, likes you?”
“Hmm. Unlikely.”
“ Hyuuuuuungggg. ” He pouted. “I’m serious about this.”
Jimin abandoned his post and moved closer to where his pillows were to flick his forehead. “So are we dumbass. I cannot tell you if he is in love with you. I do not have a direct portal into his mind, but I do have fully functioning senses and the ability to perceive what I’m observing,” he spoke to him as if speaking to a child, “and I’m pretty sure hyung feels more for you than what one does for a friend/bandmate.”
“But he’s been copping a feel!!!”
“Huh? Wha-?”
Jeongguk hurriedly continued so that they couldn’t interrupt him more. He’s been. He’s been giving me these glances, and um, holding my waist a little differently. And he,” his voice lowered to a near whisper, “he also calls me baby.”
“What if he only thinks I’m doing this because I find him hot? Because I do. I do find him hot and attractive and I want him to hold my hands in one of his while…um…while you know . But I keep feeling like I’ve given him the wrong idea and so all of this is going to change.”
The duo went through a range of expressions throughout his monologue, finally stopping on vaguely cautious.
“What is going to change?”
“THIS” Jeongguk gestures avidly at his sprawled self. “I’m going to have to show him I’m actually serious about all this, which means some ground rules if you’re to do this,” he announced.
Jimin raised an eyebrow, “bun are you sure you want to spell out your rules to us?”
But Jeongguk was smarter now, wiser, and he blushed just once at Jimin’s casually dominating stance and tone. “If you want to take credit for Yoongi hyung and me getting together you will have to follow these rules otherwise you cannot.”
“….”
“Well then,” Jimin twisted his mouth, grudgingly impressed, “we’ll do it.”
After an aborted attempt at stifling his laughter, Taehyung spoke up, “if that’s all, Jiminie and I have somewhere to be in a bit, so if you’ll excuse us cutie,” he blew a kiss at the younger and jumped off the bed lightly.
He waved them goodbye and starfished back onto the bed, wondering if he made the right call.
His found himself slowly getting sleepy despite the ache in his foot and he gave in to the hazy headspace. He wished he had a hyung to cuddle right now.
*
Startling awake after a cat nap, he waited for a bit to see if he could hear someone outside, but the silence was complete and almost overwhelming, so he swung his legs off the bed himself, pushing himself up to an upright position. Hobbling to the door, he opened it to come across Yoongi right across from him, closed fist raised mid-air as if to knock.
“Oh you’re up,” he got a wide gummy smile, “Great, I just managed to convince Jin that you needed no more fussing. Can you walk by yourself?” he asked, eyebrows furrowed in thought. Jeongguk was still slightly disoriented by the conversation with Vmin and the gummy smile directed at him, so he took a moment to reply.
“Um…no hyung I think I’m good,” he said. Watched Yoongi’s forehead clear of all creases. His eyes softened as if looking at something precious. “I’m glad baby.”
Jeongguk reddened immediately and held his hands to his cheeks as if the elder couldn’t spot his blush that way. He jutted out his lower lip against the teasing, and was rewarded with a low raspy laugh that made his knees tremble a bit.
On second thought, maybe he did require some help walking.
The rest of them had gathered around the table already and Hoseok was ladling spoons of jiggae into bowls and he hobbled over to the counter to grab some spoons before taking his seat.
The meal was spent in an easy camaraderie and quips exchanged over several dishes. Despite the undercurrent of tension that had been in the dorm the past few weeks. Jeongguk was relieved to find that nothing had really changed between the seven of them when together. It gave him hope that should he ever decide to risk it, he’d always have this to fall back on.
Migrating to the couch, Jimin got out the wine and coke for Taehyung, and it was Yoongi’s turn to pick the movie while the rest of them got snacks or extra pillows. They’d done this for so long now they worked like a well-oiled machinery and by the time Namjoon, who was the last to arrive, took his seat, they’d all already settled with their knees tucked to their chest or head on each other’s laps. Jeongguk was cushioned by the two oldest on either side, and while he was comforted by Jin’s broad shoulder to his left, his right side was radiating heat wherever it touched Yoongi.
The whole point of movie night was never actually to watch a movie but to spend some time in each other’s company and do nothing but relax. However, Jeongguk had a feeling this movie night would be different. He had an inkling that Yoongi had caught on to what he’d been trying to do and if he knew the other man at all, he’d not waste a second in turning the tides.
Jeongguk wasn’t even sure when they’d gotten to this point. All the panicking over realizing his feelings and deciding to bury them seemed like such a long time ago. At the same time, this- this thing developing between Yoongi and him didn’t seem to be taking shape the way he wanted it to.
The rapper shifted slightly to the left, bringing his whole thigh up against Jeongguk’s, burning through his pyjamas. He didn’t know if he wanted to squirm or push into the touch, and going by Yoongi’s subtle smirk, he knew that. Jeongguk humphed at the teasing, almost petulant to be on the receiving end of it for once. Tilting a little bit, he switched the side he was favouring and leaned his head a bit more to his right instead. Yoongi stilled in response, having gotten a whiff of Jeongguk’s peach-scented shampoo.
Jeongguk knew he wasn’t supposed to fuel the fire, but he also literally did not have any other option. The movie went on around them but neither of them were really paying any attention anymore. Everyone kept calling Jeongguk competitive but no one realized that you couldn’t exactly compete if nobody was egging you on to try harder. Yoongi had always been that person for him.
Jin and Hoseok treated him too much like a younger sibling to not be nice to him as easily as possible, and Namjoon had always only needed one look of the doe eyes before he was giving in to anything the maknae asked. Jeongguk was, also, well aware of the power he held over Jimin and Taehyung. The two of them never slacking in their hyung duties but also being so ridiculously in love with him they forgave him the world.
It was only Yoongi who gave back twice as good as he got it, spurred him on to do better, get faster, learn quicker, keep up, maybe. Maybe surpass.
The ghosting of nails along the side of his thighs made him jolt up. He turned to where Yoongi was sitting impassively, still staring at the screen as if he’d not moved at all.
The multitude of colours on the screen only served to highlight how pale his hyung was, features thrown into sharp relief by the lack of Jeongguk’s ability to focus on anything but the subtle curve of his nose, the way his upper lip was almost stuck in a permanent pout.
He couldn’t do this. He’d made a mistake, trying to “seduce” Yoongi hyung was a mistake. He got up from his spot, disturbing both, Jin and Yoongi from their positions. “Ggguk? Jin questioned, as Taehyung and Hoseok turned around to see what had happened.
He took a step away from the couch, hands extended as if to forcefully stop any of the hyungs from following him. “I- I’m fine, I just…I’m also sleepy,” he spoke jerkily, “so I’ll just. Sleep. Yeah, bye.”
He didn’t hear Namjoon pause the movie behind him, nor did he realize that Jimin had called out his name too. But he wouldn’t have turned back anyway.
The others sat there in stunned silence for a bit before deciding to give him his space, and Yoongi stopped holding onto the edge of the couch in a death grip. The movie had started to play again on the TV but all he could see was the terror in Jeongguk’s face instantly after he’d grazed his thigh. He felt sick to his stomach.
This was supposed to be something fun. Instead, he’d twisted what had probably been happening, misread everything, and actually harassed their maknae. The guilt was almost choking him and he made an aborted sound in his throat but he didn’t dare get up. The others would ask questions if he left now.
Yoongi caught Jin’s worried gaze on him once or twice, and he looked up the third time to see Taehyung instead. Watching him intensely. He raised an eyebrow irritably, not in the mood to humour the younger. But even as he stared back, he noticed the other’s gaze turn contemplative, and then like whiplash, he turned to the TV and laughed at whatever was going on.
And it was as if the bubble they’d just been in was rudely popped, making Yoongi even more disoriented than a minute ago.
Less than an hour later, not that he’d been keeping track, the godawful movie finally ended. He wasn’t sure he would be able to tell anyone a single scene if asked. His mind had been completely focused on the person beside him in the first half hour, and his concentration had been shot dead for the remnant of the screen time. He wasn’t sure what to do now. He wanted to go and apologize to Jeongguk immediately for — he wasn’t even sure for what. For misreading the signs, making him uncomfortable, crossing the lines? He wasn’t certain that the younger had been teasing him, even though his brain was still screaming that that was the most plausible explanation for his behavior.
Stuck in his own looping thoughts, he didn’t realize the hall had mostly emptied out, with its only occupants being him, Jimin and Taehyung. He startled at the quiet “hyung?” coming somewhere from his left. He turned to see them facing him with unnaturally grave expressions.
Figures. They must have caught onto what had made Jeongguk uncomfortable.
God he couldn’t even think about it without a wave of repulsion passing through him. He’d. Shit. He’d sworn to himself to never make them feel anything but good. Safe. And shit. Fuck. Shit.
Before he could say anything, they crouched in front of him and held his wrists gently. Loosely enough that he could break away if he wanted to, but he didn’t. Even if he had broken their best friend’s heart, even though he may be a rotten person, he was selfish, Yoongi thought bitterly. He wanted them to tell him he wasn’t a bad person — that something could still be salvaged.
His breath came out in big, panting gasps, he could hear a mild ringing sound and was terrified to realize that it was in his head alone. Yoongi’s eyes were almost bloodshot with unshed tears and it was only the tightening of Jimin’s grip over his wrist, the very real pressure of Taehyung’s palm on his thighs that allowed him to come back to himself.
“hyung, hyung, hyung Yoongi hyung,” they chanted, crowding around him just enough to give the impression of warmth and comfort. It was years of intimate knowledge that let them know to not press too close, and he was so thankful, so grateful that despite them having every reason to dislike him right now, they were still there. Squaring his shoulders in a feeble attempt to recoup, he met them square in the eye, with a voice hoarser than he could have realized, asked why they were still with him and not with the other boy.
Jimin exchanged a look with Taehyung before biting his lip harshly. He turned a troubled gaze at Yoongi, “hyung…we. Could you tell us what happened? Because we aren’t sure why Jeonggukkie skittled away, and… and you obviously know something , and we do too”, he continued earnestly, “but…we also think there’s been a miscommunication of some sort somewhere.”
He scoffed in reply. He could only wish this was a simple miscommunication.
He looked up again to the sound of a throat being cleared, and Taehyung was looking at him with the same intensity as earlier. “No offence hyung but neither you not Gukkie are the best at communicating. So this might come across as pushy, but we really do think you should tell us what went on.”
“I harassed Jeongguk.”
“There. Are you happy now? I made him uncomfortable enough that he had to run away to his room and hide and he’s probably really repulsed by me and I’ve taken a good thing and shattered it. I’ve twisted it beyond belief.” He shouted. Unable to let it choke his throat anymore. The words were like poisonous vines coming out his mouth.
They seemed to make the two pale immediately, gripping them tightly in their hold, suffocating them.
He continued mercilessly. “Jeongguk had finally gotten comfortable with me. He…he started being the way he was with Hobi. With you guys. But then Joon-ah told me he might have feelings. But he’d clam up whenever I tried to approach him. Then I, I thought maybe they were all wrong. And I, I read too much into it. I thoug-got convinced it was just an invitation? He’s young. Maybe he wanted to make out? So I. Touched him a bit. Let my hands linger.”
Even retelling what happened made the contents in his stomach churn. He was unable to forget the maknae’s flinch. Shit, what an idiot.
Jimin looked deeply unhappy once he was done, but even in his state of self-loathing, Yoongi was able to realize that he wasn’t looking angry enough, for some reason. He knew, without a shred of doubt, that no one was protective of the maknae as his fellow Busan-born, the blonde just seemed to be agonizing over his internal thoughts.
Finally, after what felt like the most discomfiting, brutal rounds of the clock’s hands, and some very loud huffing, his dongsaengs sat down next to him.
“Hyung,” Jimin took the lead delicately, “Tae and I believe you need to know some things. We’d,” he splays his hands awkwardly, as if he’d rather do anything but continue, “we’d not wanted to actually say anything to you at all since this is between you and Jeonggukkie, but you’re both hurting, and we love you both so much, but please hear us out once, and then…and then you can decide how you want to proceed.”
*
It was the first week of November, winter was just around the corner but had already extended her arms wide open, leaving behind fingers of frost on every surface she touched. But for the first time in seemingly forever, Yoongi didn’t want to start preparing what the others had jokingly terms his version of hibernation. Things in the dorm had been strained to say the least. It wasn’t as if Jeongguk and Yoongi were avoiding each other, but they kinda tried to ensure they weren’t in the room for more than a few minutes as the other, which, well, was one way of terming avoidance. If you were being persnickety.
Only about 3 days had passed since the movie night, and Yoongi was constantly shifting between bouts of quiet, contained happiness, nerve-wracking worry, and abject sadness. The conversation with the 95-liners had put lots of things into perspective for him, and he had an idea of what to do, but putting things into place took time.
Time he didn’t have because on top of being an artist, producer, composer, hyung, part time chef, younger brother, decent son, okayish friend, basketball genius- huh, wait tangent.
But ON TOP of those things, he was ready to tell his bandmate he was in love with them. And he was sorry, for having inadvertently caused pain to the last person who deserved it, but if he…if he could be given a chance again, he’d spend the rest of his life proving he had earned it.
The words were always at the tip of his tongue.
Sorry. I love you. I’m sorry loving me has brought you this. I love you.
But there were a hundred details to coordinate before he thought he should be allowed to say it, and the very notion of half-assing an apology and a confession to the boy who carried within him the very essence of magic, would render him too tongue-tied to blurt out anything anyway.”
“You’re a mess” Hoseok observed from his spot on Yoongi’s bed, where he’d spread out while the other man got off the phone after a very frustrating call with the florist. He scrunched his face up angrily in response, “Tiger lilies won’t be available at this time.”
Putting on an affected accent, “we’re sorry sir but the flowers you want bloom only in the summer or early autumn, this is winter sir, you won’t get the flowers your beloved likes the most because you took too long to get your head out of your ass sir.”
He grits through his teeth; furious that all his plans were stupid and useless and nothing seemed to be working.
“What did you try so far?” Hoseok sat up in his curiosity, clutching the pillow to his torso.
He was the only one privy to the events of that night, Yoongi’s entire, uncensored version of it. He’d held him while he sobbed hot tears into his pillow, shoulders shaking with the sheer weight of the burden it had had to withhold. Yoongi was so, so grateful for him.
He ticked off his ideas on his fingers: There were failed tickets to the planetarium (they’re closed for maintenance), there was the abandoned amusement park plan (he didn’t want to puke on the boy who might already hate him), he had to ditch the picnic in the park (Jeongguk had gone out with the ’97 liner and he’d intended for it to be a surprise so he hadn’t confirmed if he was free beforehand ((rookie mistake but this was his first time confessing his love for someone please excuse him))), and now the flowers! he smacked the last finger violently.
“I thought I could fill his room with them, and then talk about how their meaning was really apt.” He looked at Hoseok through his eyelashes, blush high on the apples of his cheek, “you get me? Because he’s already so loved.”
He sniffled a bit before looking up just in time to be hit by a Hoseok-shaped blur. The younger one had launched himself at Yoongi and tackled him to the soft carpet on the ground, making kissy faces and nuzzling into his slightly cold neck.
“He’ll love it. He’ll love anything you do — yah, don’t make that face, Yoongi! Let me — Yoongi! AaAAH,” he shrieked in mock anger. “LET ME SPEAK.”
Hoseok sat on Yoongi’s stomach, legs spread on either side of his body and leaned back on his thighs. “These ideas were wonderful hyung,” he said sincerely, “but don’t you think you’re forgetting something?”
Getting nothing but an eyebrow raise, he huffed out. “I’m just pointing out that both you and he are introverts, and most of these involved you both being in public while doing the actual talking, and I cannot see that working out well. The flower one is just unfortunate, but maybe you could come up with something equally special.” He encouraged gently.
Yoongu hummed in consideration, realizing that he had forgotten to factor in that minor detail. He didn’t want something too extravagant for the conversation, since it might then feel like a spectacle, but putting in very little effort would imply he didn’t care enough, which was the opposite of the truth.
He promised he’d give it some more thought later and flung Hoseok off him.
Later on in that night, once dinner was done and cleared, he’d retired with his phone to a far corner in the dorm, hoping no one would disturb him. He had a few tabs open to different date ideas, he scoffed at how silly some of them seemed, scrolled past the more sexual ones hurriedly, and paused at a bunch that looked normal and doable, yet romantic.
There was rent-a-yatch, but that might jst remind them both of Seokjin and his love for fishing, there was also this “build a hometheatre/pillow fort” plan, which, hmm…
…..
“Naaaahh, these sound pretty silly if I’m being honest.”
Yoongi stiffened immediately, fingers skidding over the screen in an attempt to hide his activity, but longer, more slender fingers slid the phone deftly out of his grip and he turned to see Taehyung go through his carefully curated research, unamused expression writ large upon his sharp features.
“What?” he asked irritably, “I don’t see you planning the perfect date to confess when you’ve already fucked up.”
“That’s because you’re not lucky enough to experience my dates hyung,” Taehyung cooed, “but also; don’t think I’m letting you undermine yourself like that in front of me. It was an honest mistake.” He said firmly. “You both communicated poorly and it is not an action to martyr yourself over. He would never want that either.”
Yoongi let his head fall onto the other’s shoulder with a soft thunk, seeking out some comfort. “My head is so muddled Taehyungah, I wish I knew what gesture would be the best for him. And he’s a romantic at heart,” he whined, “it has to be perfect.”
Snorting softly, Taehyung leaned down and just hugged him tightly for a bit. Pressed back the displaced pieces that had bent a bit at the mistreatment received. Helped him feel a little more whole.
“These ideas are a bust hyung, why aren’t you just listening to your heart?”
“Um. Because it isn’t saying anything,” Yoongi actually stomped his foot. “Do you have an idea then if yours are usually so great?”
The slowly widening grin on Taehyung’s face made him realize that he had been baited into asking the very question the other desired. “Why my smol, precious, gremlin little hyung,” Yoongi pushed him away disgustedly, “I thought you’d never ask.”
*
The music rang out in the mirrored room, drops of sweat falling twice as fast, sinewy lines moving sharply to the beat, arms akimbo, legs bent, eyes fierce — suddenly the song stopped.
Chocolate brown eyes widened in surprise. “Hobi hyung? What happened?”
Jeongguk was puzzled by his hyung’s actions since he was well into the flow of the choreography and had picked it up quite well. “Was I making a mistake?” he asked worriedly.
They had enough time before the festa – which is what this was for, but if he didn’t perfect it now it would pile up on top of the other things he had scheduled for the upcoming months. As convenient as having a schedule was, Jeongguk often wished things didn’t have to be so regimented.
Hoseok demonstrated a particular high kick, which was followed by two powerful twirls and then he had to duck down before extended his left leg to complete a b-boy move. “In this move, your leg isn’t as straight as it needs to be, which is impacting the momentum you can use to turn.”
Why don’t you either skip this step for now and practice it later before incorporating it, or you can stay back an hour today instead of coming home with me now and get it right.
He ruffled Jeongguk’s hair, making sure the other knew he wasn’t doing badly. Tugging gently on the damp curls on his nape, he watched in fascination as the palest of pinks bloomed along his throat. Leaning in to press a quick, comforting kiss on his collarbone, Hoseok clapped his hands loudly, heart-smile in full force as he watched Jeongguk come out of his daze and smile bashfully at him.
“I think I’ll stay back hyungie, there isn’t anything I need to do or anywhere I need to be anyway.”
Having done his part in the scheme, Hoseok put the music on again and left the room, one maknae none the wiser. He had contacted a manager earlier today, asking them to ensure Jeongguk left the company building at a certain time, and then, instead of him just getting into a waiting car, one of them would ask him to first freshen up and get dressed for a short interview that was to be conducted in the dorm.
It wasn’t a flawless plan, but adhering to their regular routine would raise the least suspicion in Jeongguk, even though Jimin liked to joke that he was too in his own world to question all the going-ons.
Right on the dot of the hour hand, there was a knock on the door of their practice studio. A manager opened the door to see Jeongguk doing his stretches, “Ah, Jeongguk-ssi, there has been a slight change in schedule. The interview that was supposed to be held next week is now being conducted in your dorm since some unforeseen circumstances have cropped up on their side.”
Jeongguk furrowed his brow in confusion, before humming under his breath, a little upset he couldn’t relax immediately after getting home. The past week had been an emotional rollercoaster, and functioning normally was taking more out of him than he could admit, lest any of the hyungs worry.
He could admit to himself that he’d seen Yoongi try to approach him a couple of times the very next day after the fiasco, but he didn’t have the courage to listen to platitudes or excuses. It might not be the best course, but he was so tired, so so tired of aching with want.
Jeongguk knew he wouldn’t bounce back easily if this was all called a mistake and laughed off.
He dimmed the lights and walked out.
*
Yoongi was, by nature, a man who paid attention to the finer details. He took great pleasure in understanding how the slightest change in posture dictated a conversation’s future, how brass fittings looked better if they had a slightly distressed effect, how the cut of meat would effect a dish’s cook time.
But he also noticed the biggish changes. The new, relaxed aura around Namjoon, the confidence Taehyung exuded whenever he got to wear suede, the lack of eyebags on Sungdeuk because he had a family waiting back home.
The inward curl of Jeongguk’s shoulders as he walked around the dorm, the slightly disheveled look he always sported, the diminished glimmer in his eyes.
He’d done that. Not by himself, and not voluntarily; he knew that, but that didn’t mean he could escape the miasma of blame he piled on himself.
There were candles on every surface of the living room. All frames, paintings, and other paraphernalia had been moved from the tabletops to make space for them. Big, thick, lilac candles giving off the gentlest of aromas, to narrower cream and white candles. There were small tea-lights near the mirror and short, stout green candles near the full-length mirror in the corner. The space between them had smatterings of colourful petals, and the marbles of the walls shone due to the collective impact of what looked like hundreds of pinpricks of fire.
All Yoongi wanted to do was make things right. That didn’t mean it needed to go back to way things were, because had it been okay, neither of them would have tried to introduce a change.
But whatever new direction they moved in, as friends, partners, distant band members, he didn’t think he could bear it if Jeongguk continued to exist as if always on eggshells.
He was aware that the scene he’d set up didn’t make it seem like he was okay with a platonic relationship. But if the way to get him to stop treading on eggshells was to get him to step on his heart first; he had made his peace with it.
Words could be interpreted in several ways, actions rarely could. He didn’t know what permutation and combination would help him best, but he’d be damned if he didn’t try. Everything was in place, and then with one final sigh heavenward, because he needed all the help he could get, Yoongi sat down to wait.
He was so lost in thoughts that he almost didn’t hear the little click of the key turning in the lock. While nothing of the living room could be seen immediately from the entryway, Yoongi was immediately alert, and all the ideas he’d had were of no use to him because he couldn’t remember anything.
Before leaving the dorm for the night, Namjoon had looked at him straight in the eye.
“You know why we started rapping hyung?” he’d asked casually, leaning against the door for a chat, as if he wasn’t shouldering an overnight bag so that Yoongi could grovel and then confess to the love of his life.
Yoongi had gazed back blankly, waiting for the answer to the rhetoric. “We were terrified hyung. We were frightened out of our damn minds that our voices would be taken away from us, that we’d have to spend our lives settling, that everything we find beauty in would be taken and twisted to suit the narrative of a nameless, faceless entity already ruling the world.
All we had were our words and you, I, Seok-ah, we hid pieces of our hearts, bits of our soul, in every verse every time it mattered. I have known you for longer than I’ve known to tie laces,” he gave a watery laugh here, matching the moisture in Yoongi’s eyes, “and nothing or nobody has mattered to you the way Jeonggukie has.
You will find the right thing to say.”
Yoongi had been unable to, unwilling to stop the tears from rolling down his cheek, only capable of mustering an expression of pure gratitude as Namjoon clapped his shoulders loudly before turning away.
In the darkness, seconds away from either breaking down or witnessing a breakdown, he whispered out a “Sorry Joon-ah,” knowing full well that he’d also forgotten all the words he knew.
He thrust his hands into the pockets of his hoodie in a last-ditch attempt to feel a little less vulnerable. He’d worn an oversized black hoodie with velour forest green patches sewn in and grey skinny jeans. His hair had been carefully styled an hour ago, but now hung down his forehead in limp strands, the outcome of him running his hands through it every so often.
“Hyung?” A tiny voice sounded out in the room. And this was why he was doing this. This, this quiet whisper that meant his maknae was afraid of the world once more. Was afraid of him.
He observed Jeongguk look around the room in a daze. “Hyung —,” slightly more high pitched, “um..what, what’s all this?” He turned around in his spot, mouth slightly open as he took in the tiny details, artist’s eye missing nothing. Yoongi could see him beginning to panic a bit, and interrupted before he could form more sentences, “I thought we needed to talk,” he said firmly, albeit he couldn’t hide the shaky note that had slipped into his voice.
By the looks of it, Jeongguk caught it too. He nodded jerkily, coming to sit on the same sofa, on the other edge as Yoongi.
Neither spoke for a minute. It was as if the years spent building a relationship just didn’t matter, and they were merely two skittish people who unwittingly held immeasurable power of the other. It was both a terrifying and empowering thought. Terrifying because who in their right minds would give someone so much control over themselves, and empowering because it took a special kind of strength to do so despite knowing the risk.
“You look good,” he offered quietly, and the words range true despite being out of place. He did. He’d worn a loose pale pink shirt, top buttons open to show burnished collarbones and a hint of skin, tucked into blue jeans and paired with brown timberlands.
Jeongguk fidgeted with the rips in his jeans, mumbling a thanks. Another beat passed before the younger seemed to wilt right in front of him. He exhaled loudly, “did you have anything to say to me hyung? Because if not, then I think it’s best I leave. I…I’m not sure how you got everyone to leave or even roped in the management,” he gave a bitter chuckle, “but sitting here with roses and flower petals after last week is a mockery of what I’ve been dreaming of for so long.”
Surprisingly, or not so surprisingly since this was Jeongguk, Yoongi took courage from what he said.
“I have lots of things to say,” he began, noting how Jeongguk gave a little self-deprecating twist of his lips at that, and he frowned at his shoes before continuing.
“I just went so long without saying anything, that I began to believe words were superfluous. And that was a mistake on hyung’s part. I should not have assumed, I should not have acted out on an assumption, even if at that time they were justified in my head. I hurt you by being impulsive and I’m so sorry for that Jeongguk. I want to be confident that you’d know I would never wilfully do anything to shake the trust you’ve placed in me, and I understand if it has shattered right now, but…but I hope you know the extent to which I’d go to repair that.”
A whimper distracted him from what he was about to say next and he wrenched his gaze up to see Jeongguk’s face awash with tears that steadily dampened the fabric of his shirt. His nose was already ruddy, and his cherry lips looked raw from the way he’d been biting it.
“No..no no no Oh No Jeongguk-ah…can I…” he made an aborted action with his palms, hands flailing uselessly mid-air, not knowing if he had any right, but one teary nod and he crossed the length of the couch immediately, wiping Jeongguk’s cheeks with his sweater paws, wanting to absorb every trace of the other’s pain.
Cold, shaking fingers traced his cheeks, his nose, his chin, moved to caress his hair in the barest of touches, “ Yoongi hyung ,” Jeongguk cried, chest heaving with all the effort he had buried inside it. “ Y..oon..yoongi hyung, hyungie please, please I’m so sorry ,” he begged, voice trembling with the sheer force of his pleas.
He gathered the shivering maknae in his arms, sushing him frantically. “It’s not your fault little one, it is never your fault,” he soothed, letting Jeongguk bury his face in the crook of his neck, even as he stroked his back in long, steady movements. Helping them both feel grounded.
Jeongguk pushed him away gently, coming face-to-face with the man, face set mulishly, “it is as much my fault as it is yours hyung. You would have never assumed if I didn’t keep giving signals. I must have confused you so much, I must have hurt you so much by running away that night…” his eyes looked a little unfocused again; “I was just, so angry with myself for going forward with something I knew didn’t feel natural.”
Yoongi felt a pit open up in his stomach.
Jeongguk continued nervously, tripping over his words to make the other understand.
Sentences like “….foolish plan,” “got convinced even though I had misgivings,” “should have told them no…….from the start,” reached his ears, a hollow ringing accompanying them. He suddenly felt colder than he’d ever before, even with a hoodie on, hundreds of candles, and a human furnace on his lap.
Jeongguk noticed something was wrong as his ramblings weren’t reacted to, and the air around them grew very stale very quickly as Yoongi tried to get his breathing back under control, aghast at the extent to which he and everyone else had misunderstood, hyung….Yoongi hyung…
Jeongguk seemed to be saying something more, lightly calling his name as he grew more and more worried by the prolonged stillness.
“Is the idea of being with me so bad Gukk-ah?” he asked finally, raising his head to meet a bewildered expression.
“Is it so bad it felt unnatural?” he choked out the words. Wanting to curl up into a ball as soon as he said it, wanting to shield himself for whatever came next.
But he held on. Something made him hold on. Even though he didn’t think the tug in his chest had ever felt like someone had stuck a rusted knife through his ribs and twisted it at leisure.
Jeongguk was confused for a second while he replayed the question, which quickly turned into shock as he understood what had happened.
He hastened to rectify the error.
“Hyung, hyung you’re not listening to me. I never said being with you would be unnatural,” he looked shaken up by the accusation, “I just…”
He gave a desperate gasp, there really would be no going back after this, “I couldn’t be with you casually, I didn’t want to just kiss you and hug you in changing rooms, I didn’t want to feel your hand on my waist, in my hair if it was only to end in one night of fun hyung, I love you,” he burst out finally. “I love you, have been in love with you for years, and the idea of us beginning something without feelings, without attachments, of knowing what could have been but never would? Of lying there with you and listening to your low rasp in my ear, waiting for the words I’ve longed to hear but had no right to? I’d have died hyung,” he finished, head hung shamefully.
If the problem a while back was that Yoongi had run out of words, the issue now was that he had too many. In a way, he faintly thought of how this somehow wasn’t coming as a huge surprise.
Despite all the angsting, the questions, rants, and tears, he’d never fully doubted his feelings were returned in some capacity. But getting to hear them out loud like this, from the man himself, after only having the courage to whisper it to the petals, his piano, the stars, Yoongi could only gape at Jeongguk, letting the sense of security finally wash over him.
The younger had begun to grow increasingly nervous in the face of his silence, and he slowly leaned away from Yoongi, wishing he could run away somewhere. This is exactly why he had held off from confessing. Staring at Yoongi’s flabbergasted expression, he thought he could make out a hint of awe in them, but this was not a time for wishful thinking. Nope. He had to act. He’d just placed his leg, slowly of course, back on the ground, a few steps away from freedom (and a good cry), when…
“I’m hope you’re not trying to run away before I can tell you I’m in love with you.”
He stilled abruptly, heart beating so fast he could feel it in his fingertips. He blinked in a rapid manner, trying to clear the sudden cobwebs in his brain.
“Huh?” he asked dumbly, and for someone who almost always ran away from prolonged communication of any sort, it was astonishing how much he wanted to be read out an essay clarifying what he’d just heard.
His obvious confusion made the subtle smirk on Yoongi’s lips falter, turn into something softer, like the boy in front of him. “You really didn’t know that hyung loves you, even though all the signs were right there?” he questions incredulously. How could they both have been so blind to it. Both so wilfully unaware, so scared of believing they got back the love they gave out.
The stars bloomed in Jeongguk’s eyes right before him, tiny supernovas of affection, burning as bright as the boy’s soul was, the boy. The boy who was beginning to look the slightest bit teary, somewhat overwhelmed, and he had his suspicions proved right a second later with a lapful of Jeongguk, who’d flung himself at the other, trusting his hyung to catch him. To hold on tightly.
He gripped the little one’s waist more firmly, leaned into his embrace. The scent of clean fabric reached his nostrils, followed by something more floral, more grounding. Yoongi took in a deep breath, filled his lungs with it. Held on.
Jeongguk was trembling slightly with the force of his feelings and he pushed himself off the older man (oh no) to look him in the eyes, (oh okay, he thought fervently), “hung loves me,” he giggled, the tinkling sound sending Yoongi into near-raptures.
As it is, his face probably looked all kinds of weird, unable to decide precisely which expression of joy and incredulity would be the most apt.
Jeongguk was gazing at him like he was everything warm and beautiful in the world.
The momentousness of it all crashed over them at once, bursting their bubble and sending them cascading into the depth of lay between them.
“You, but…”
“Was it during that dance practice when I…?”
“Taehyungie was SO sure…”
“Jin hyung will….”
“But what about when…”
“That night in the studio…” twin faces of smugness…
“And what fin-“
“Those shorts Jeongguk-ah,” Yoongi groaned out, blind to anything but the pleased grin on Jeongguk’s face.
Yoongi hesitated for a minute before placing his palms on Jeongguk’s denim-clad thighs, the moment reminiscent of one he’d give anything to forget. He swallowed, “is, is this okay baby?”
Jeongguk squeaked loudly, hunching inwards for a minute and hiding his face.
Yoongi couldn’t stop the chuckle that he let out, regardless of his apprehension. His boy was so fucking cute.
Jeongguk looked up after a while, “was,” he cleared his throat, “was what okay hyungie?”
Shit. Hyungie. Shit. He’s going to have to bring the moon home now.
“Er..um..this?” he nervously exhaled, gesturing to where his palms still where. Jeongguk followed his eyes before jolting slightly, he looked puzzled for a minute, and then aghast as he hurried to reassure Yoongi. “No no Yoongi hyung, please this is always okay,” he said earnestly, hands cupping the older’s jaw, “I’m, I’m sorry for running away the last time.”
He looked down again, but this time his face was twisted in guilt. “I must have hurt you a lot.”
“Hey,” he nudged the other’s head with his chin, “hey, you’re allowed to feel what you do.”
He paused patiently for Jeongguk to gather his courage again before continuing. “You were upset too, and ideally hyung should have first asked you outright before touching you like that yeah? I’m glad you didn’t just sit on your hurt Gguk, I’m proud of you.”
He leaned forward to place a peck on the younger’s nose, watching him go cross-eyes trying to follow his lips. He laughed again, a quick scratchy sound that Jeongguk revelled in, if the blush on his cheeks was anything to go by.
So he leaned forward and pecked him again.
Jeongguk playfully whined, muttering, “in an ideal world, we’d both have been a lot more sensible hyung. Caught onto our feelings earlier, done this,” another peck, this time closer to his lips, “a lot more — ”
“Hyung,” he said breathlessly. Yoongi had to stop tracing his temple with his lips then, couldn’t stop from nipping his cheek gently, “hyung the others?” Jeongguk asked, all shining eyes and rosebud lips, and the fondest of pinks on his cheeks, his ears, the vee of his skin before his shirt started…
But Yoongi could wait. Yoongi had waited. And there was finally a light at the end of this absurdly long tunnel.
He tucked Jeongguk’s hair behind his ears fondly, let him chatter on about how the others would react, they were set to come back to the dorm in less than an hour, armed with wine (to celebrate thankfully).
Yoongi smiled his gummy smile as he tuned back into what the maknae had been saying, “…..and then we went out for a meal really late at night but there was this song stuck in my head and it was irritating me SO MUCH and —”
Yoongi hummed out a tune in response, to Jeongguk’s excited gasp. The vocalist clapped his hands twice, leaning back in for a (quick) kiss.
“That’s it, that’s the one Yoongi hyung! How did you know?”
“You play it all the time Gguk-ah,” he said fondly. “How do you expect me to not know it?”
He laughed out loudly at that. Thought back to all those years ago where he’d despaired all alone in his room.
Looked like the book had gotten it right after all.