Chapter Text
“N- no.” The words on Team’s lips before he can consciously register what’s going on. Hands are trying to grip something, he’s trying to fight his way out, but he’s already out. His hands only meet the cotton flesh of a blanket. Another hand, smaller and gentler clasps his wrist, holds him down, and soft words are spoken. Another is on his shoulder and it takes longer than it should but eventually he does open his eyes.
“Hey, Team, it’s okay.” Pharm whispers softly, fingers running through his hair, pushing it back. Manow’s hand is in his other and she smiles softly and sadly. So sad. Her makeup isn’t even on. She goes without and that’s the clearest indication that something is wrong. Something is terribly wrong. He doesn’t know why he’s here, doesn’t know why Win isn’t with him. Didn’t he say he loves him? Where is he? Where is he?
“W- Win.” He whispers brokenly.
Pharm looks confused, eyes flashing to Manow’s for a second before turning back to Team’s. Hand squeezing over his as he says, “Who? Team, you’ve been in an accident.”
Pharm is already starting to cry, there’s tears in his eyes, white hot and filled with grief that Team can’t understand, but he can feel. His heart is heavy in his chest, his own eyes starting to well up as the realization slowly fills him. Why kind of accident? Were they on Win’s bike? Is Win okay?
“Where’s Win, Pharm? Is he okay?”
Pharm looks even more concerned now, eyes a little panicked he looks to Manow, a question there that passes between them soaked in worry. In pain. They hold something above Team, something that Team doesn’t quite understand but he feels it. He feels the grief of death as close as it did the first time. Then Manow is looking back and she’s smiling again but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes. “Team, you were with your brother, don’t you remember?”
“P- Phi…?” Now Team is really confused. He hasn’t seen his brother in over two years. He’s been… He’s dead. He died in the pool when Team fought with him. He died because of Team. It was an accident, but it was awful and terrible, and where is Win? Where is Win?
Pharm nods. “Team, I’m sorry, we should wait for your parents. I’m sure they’ll be here soon.”
But they won’t be. Team knows it like he knows how to walk. His parents are angry, upset, and devastated with him. That’s what happened after his brother died, they couldn’t even look at him. He was nothing. He took away the star player, but Team has never seen it like that. He was his brother. He would give anything to have him here and alive. He’d give anything to be the one trapped in the darkness of the bottom of the pool.
“No, they won’t. Tell me Pharm, tell me, please.” His own voice cracks because that grief is so fresh. The tears of his own are on the cusp of spilling over. Suddenly it hasn’t been years, the memories of those years are floating. They’re unclear. The only thing clear about them are the emotions and the bleached blonde hair, the warm smile, and his light. His light that was never real. None of it was.
“Neven’s gone, Team.” Manow says it softly, her own tears falling down her cheeks as she hastily wipes them away, and Team always thought she would be sobbing. A mess. More broken than himself because that’s Manow. She wears her heart and feelings on her sleeve, but maybe Team never gave her enough credit for how strong she really is.
“We don’t even know how you made it out of there, Team, it was miracle. Your lungs were filled with water when the delivery guy got there. They don’t how you swam out already drowned.” Pharm tells him, grateful and confused all at once. “I’m so sorry.”
Then Manow, always curious even in the worst of times, “We’re so glad you did, but how did you get out of the bottom of the pool, Team?”
Win isn’t here, because Win never was.
Team never got out of the bottom of the pool, not until now.
His tears spill over his cheeks and onto his bed as Pharm brings him close, Manow on his other side holding him up. Holding him together as he remembers his brother’s eyes. As he remembers Win’s smile. A smile that he only saw once, everything else wasn’t real. Everything was nothing.
“It’s okay, Team, it’s going to be okay.” Manow lies kindly, and Team tries to believe her, but he’s not right now, this hole can never really be filled. It grows ever the more deeper because it felt so real. It all did.
Was Win ever real? Was any of it?
-
The funeral is on a Saturday, and Team laughs at the gentle irony of it all, but once he sees people staring at his odd behaviour he drops it. He lets it go and he continues pouring out drinks like his parents wanted. It’s been two weeks. They still don’t talk to him, not about anything important, only instructions. They’re better at keeping themselves together when people are around. When people are gone they become lifeless and Team doesn’t know how to make it better. He doesn’t know how to say he’s sorry. Because he is. Undeniably.
He’s sorry and he’s sad, and he’s a mess. But that guilt that dragged him down has abated. It doesn’t cling to him the way it used to. It stayed with his brother, at the bottom, in the darkness. He’s in the light, but he’s still heavy. He’s still feels a little like he’s being dragged down. He’s so confused but he’s so clear. All the memories were like looking into a water bowl, now, this here the glass is gone, and so is the water.
He pours out drinks, and Pharm and Manow come. They tell him how fucked up it is that he’s the one pouring drinks at his own brother’s funeral, but Team only laughs, again (more strange looks), and tells them that Neven would hate him if they didn’t have something to drink at his wake. Team can laugh about it, joke about it, and remember without fear. Sadness, grief, but no longer fear or blame. His friends think it’s both strange and odd, but also they’re somewhat happy. It might look like he’s uncaring to everyone else, but Team doesn’t care. He doesn’t care what people think anymore.
The swimming club comes and there’s Dean and Pruk, and Team successfully manages to get them all talking together with Pharm and Manow. He watches as they make them laugh. He smiles, gentle but sad as he himself slips out after his not so innocent question about the vice-club president was answered. How Win was outside. How Win is here. He doesn’t know Team, not really, and that hurts more than Team can say and it’s messed up too, because it wasn’t real, but it felt real. So Team grabs two more drinks, the leather jacket that’s already been dried out now on his back, and goes to find him.
He does, easily. Win leans on the back of the house, foot against it with a smoke between his fingers. His blonde hair is easily recognizable, and his earrings even more so. The flash of silver in the fading sun is unmistakable. It’s only when Team gets even closer that he sees more, the ink scattered up his arm and under his shirt. He looks… Devastated. Worn out. Drawn out. And Team can’t blame him, he’s pretty much the same.
“Here, hia.” He whispers it quietly but it still startles Win a little who looks over. He’s surprised but he does take the drink, a nod of his head.
“Thank you.” He tells Team, his eyes looking him up and down curiously, then the recognition hits. He throws the cigarette on the ground and looks to him almost panicked. “I’m sorry.” He tells him. “I’m sorry about your brother, I should have come in but I needed a smoke…”
He looks a little guilty and ashamed.
Team only smiles fondly, being this close to Win (again) feels warm. “Don’t be sorry, hia, Nev liked to smoke, too. He’d be offended if you didn’t.”
Team takes a sip of his drink as Win laughs. “Yeah, I suppose he would. He was like that- wait, did you just call me, ‘hia’?”
He’s looking at Team like he’s a puzzle that Win can’t quite put together. It makes Team smile, because in another life the roles were reversed. He looked at Win like he was a puzzle, and Win was the one looking him up and down, wanting. Needing. Lost in another in seconds. Their bodies moving to the dance floor, getting lost in it, and getting lost in each other.
Team decides to ignore his question, instead he says, “Neven and I had to go to a funeral once for our aunt, and do you want to know what Nev said?”
Win shakes his head, eyes still with a spark in them, interested and cautious, and fascinated. And Team knows it’s not just for what he’s saying, but for himself too, and he’s not afraid of it. He welcomes it with open arms, and an open heart.
“He said that it’s not a proper funeral until someone gets lucky.”
Team’s smiling and Win can’t help but burst out laughing, a little awkward, and little off kilter, but Team is soon joining him. There’s a hollow shared grief there, but it’s real. It’s them. It’s real.
“Are you trying to hit on me?” Win says like it’s the most outlandish thing he’s ever heard, but he also sounds interested, and Team doesn’t know for sure where this is going to go. But he does know that if Nev were around, or still is, that he’s be smiling. Laughing. Telling Team just to go live his life. That he has nothing to be guilty for. It was an accident, and he’ll miss him. He’ll love him. He’ll grieve for him. That will never end, but his own life is alive. He’s still living. He’s breathing. Finally.
He deserves to be happy.
“Maybe, would that bother you, hia?” Team looks up, hopeful, but also okay with however this turns out. Hooking up with someone at his brother’s funeral is reckless and stupid, and Win might never want to see him again, but that’s grief for you, isn’t it? It makes you do and see all kinds of strange things.
Win considers him before shaking his head and saying, “No, not really, but only if you’re sure.”
In way of an answer Team says, “Did you bring your bike?”
Win smiles and they put their drinks down, and they leave, together.
“Nice jacket by the way.” Win says as he hands him his helmet, still trying to take care of him.
“Thanks.” Team smiles, and with sadness, with grief but nothing more as he adds, “It was my brother’s.” It’s not weighed down with water anymore, it’s free from it.
As they ride off into the night, Team thinks maybe just maybe he’s finally done something right. He holds Win close and promises Neven that he’ll take care of his Del. That he’ll take care of his family. He’ll live his life for his brother, and for himself now. He’ll make him proud. He’ll make himself proud. He owes Neven and himself that much.
“Hold on tight.” Win whispers.
And he does.