Chapter Text
When Steve's son drops him off at the compound, he's worried and a little bit on edge. He hasn't heard anything back from Bucky, and Sam's been very vague about him and his whereabouts. Scott meets him at the gate and Steve can see right away something is off. He looks serious, not the usual smiling funny guy. He stands by the gate, his arms folded.
"Scott."
"Steve, welcome back. Had a great time?"
"Yes, thank you. It was good to get away. This is my son JJ," Steve introduces and Scott smiles back.
"Hey, nice to meet you. Nice car."
"Thank you. It's good to meet you too."
Steve looks at Scott, a heavy feeling in his stomach. "Scott, what's going on?"
"Why, should there be?" Scott tries but he knows he's bad at this, Steve sees right through him.
"Scott?"
Scott looks back to the compound, then at JJ, wiping his hands. "Uhm, it's, well... It's better if we talk inside."
"Where's Bucky?" Steve instantly asks, stepping forward.
"Steve, just.... Not here, okay? Not from me."
"Dad, go, we can talk later. I'll call you when we get home."
"Thanks, drive safe, please."
"Bye, JJ." Scott picks up two of Steve's bags and without waiting walks to the compound.
Dreading what's to come, Steve makes his way inside and that's where his first surprise is waiting - everyone's in the common room, with a new addition. A blonde young man.
"Pietro?!"
"Hi..."
"But... how..?" Looking around he turns to see everyone looking sad.
Sam walks up to him. "Steve, let's get you settled in. A few things happened while you were gone."
"Where's Bucky?"
"Steve... Come on-" Sam tries, but Steve stands still.
"No. Where's Bucky?"
"Steve, just go with him, it's easier if you see for yourself," Bruce explains and Steve could swear Bruce is looking heartbroken. Numbly he follows Sam to his room. Sam puts the bags on the bed and turns to him. There are two disks on his desk, next to his laptop.
"Sam, where is Bucky? You said 'see for yourself', but he's obviously not in my room."
"He's in Wakanda. He left five days ago, Shuri came to get him."
"Okay. In Wakanda. Why?"
Sam looks at him, takes a long breath. "He had a breakdown. He heard us the night before you left, when we talked about your holiday and how your kids, or JJ, used to worship him... How you told them bedtime stories of him."
"Oh God."
"He didn't take it well. And then he met JJ... Anyway, that night he went to the basement with the sole intention to destroy the machine, but he was in a bad place and he ended up using it instead."
Steve mouth falls open in shock. Bucky used the time machine... Pietro... "Oh God, Sam, what did he do?"
"First of all he went and saved Pietro, he knew Wanda was struggling and he decided to help her. He went to Sokovia, faked Pietro's death and sent him back here."
"And then..?"
"He went to the bunker they kept him in after the fall from the train. He went to kill himself, thinking he's a monster and not worth saving... He was under the impression that he would create a new timeline, that there could be a world where he never became the Winter Soldier, and all that followed never happened."
"But... I don't understand."
"Strange came and told us we must stop him that he wasn't creating a new timeline but altering this one, that should he succeed, he would erase himself, and he couldn't, he was too important in shaping it. So we went to get him, it was actually the morning you called... I lied. Anyway, these two disks will explain everything to you. Watch this one first, then that one. I'll come check on you in an hour." Without waiting for an answer Sam hands him the disks and leaves.
Steve stares at the disks, then finally moves to the desk and sits down. He puts the first one in and waits for it to open. It's a security feed, several videos, starting with Bucky running to the basement. Steve watches as he grabs the controls with his metal hand and freezes.
"No... Bucky..." he whispers softly and pauses the feed when Bucky disappears. It's so dangerous, what he did, no one to watch his back. When he presses play again, he sees them all go to the machine, switch it back on and then Pietro appears.
The next screen is all of them standing in the lab and Strange explaining what they're going to do. He listens as Sam picks up his call, right before they went to get him. Why didn't Sam tell him...? Why didn't he tell him?!
The screen changes to a dark bunker, and Steve knows it's Sam's cam. He can see Bucky standing there, he hears the screams in the background. Steve's fists clench as he watches, as he hears Bucky call for him.
Steve didn't come.
He never did.
His eyes widen with every second, filling with tears as he listens.
Oh. Steve gasps at hearing how Bucky talks about himself, about how he became a bedtime story.
His hands are shaking, his heart breaking. The first cramp comes like a steady pulse, painful, but nothing compared to what he's done to Bucky.
“No... no, Bucky, I'd never...” Steve croaks out between shallow breaths.
'Steve', he keeps calling for a man who never came, a man who hurt him more than anything ever could.
Steve presses 'pause' and lets out a loud sob as he covers his eyes. How did they get through it, how did Sam manage to just stand there while seeing this?
After some time Steve's finally able to breathe through his sobs and continue watching. There is a second cramp, a second vice gripping his heart. It feels like his heart is being slowly squeezed.
“Bucky... you were never a nobody... never, you were my... my... everything...”
Another squeeze to his heart, filling with pain for the years he was away. He can't stop the soft whispers falling from his lips as the tragedy unfolds.
“Please, stop him, Sam!”
“You are not a monster!”
“Your existence is important, so important, you're the one who made the future great... I started to live when I saw you alive!”
“No!”
“Breathe!”
“Breathe! Bucky! Breathe!”
“No... please... Bucky... come on... fight...”
Steve pauses the recording again as his shoulders shake with new sobs. His breathing's coming in bursts, his arm is aching, his chest so tight... Bucky succeeded, he died. He died. He's dead. Somewhere out there is a world with no Bucky, a world where Steve wakes up, truly a man out of time, the only one. Alone. Alone... no Bucky... no Bucky... no reminiscing... no fighting side by side, no laughing together in Wakanda watching the goats, no joking with Natasha under a full moon and dancing to Wakandan music... no... Bucky...
With some sort of detachment he watches the rest of the video. They come back and Bucky collapses, the piece of shrapnel... then the hospital. The video stops with Bucky still in the hospital, but fine, just resting.
He needs another minute to compose himself before he can watch the other video. His mind is still reeling with the fact that Bucky did what he set out to do, made sure a version of him is dead. What's worse is that he didn't even need to use weapons, he just told himself that Steve lived a full fucking life without him. He got it all... he got it fucking all... he didn't get Bucky, did he?
Pulling up his last strength, he puts the second disk in and presses play. The screen fills with Bucky's face, he's pale and looks so tired.
The third cramp comes the moment he sees Bucky on the screen.
“Hey Steve. Boss. Steve? Not sure. Anyway... when you get this, I’m gone. I hereby formally request a leave of absence, a hiatus, a sabbatical, what the fuck ever the term is. I'm not there anymore... I don't know for how long, but probably a while... not years, just... weeks, maybe? Anyway... I, uh... well, I messed up, or didn't, depends who you ask I guess. I should probably apologise, but I will take a rain check on that. I could, but it won't be... sincere. I used the machine. That god forbidden damnation of a contraption. I went to get Wanda's brother - shit, Steve, you guys fucked that town for good, no wonder they thought about... Anyway, Strange says he can stay, so yippee for that. She missed him, she missed him so much, and I know how that feels, missing family. All mine's dead, I think...
"I should probably tell you why I’m so angry, it's more than just my feelings for you.
"I told Sam that if I could go back, I would make sure that I never survived Azzano, or that fall. I think the fall was a better choice, you still needed to get into your Captain role, to lead the Howlies. What does it say about me, wanting to change that, instead of going back to Brooklyn, make sure I never got drafted? I never wanted that life, you did. I wanted you, it was enough fighting for you.
"Some days I want to yell at you, ask you if you are happy now. You wanted the war, the front lines, you got it. At what cost, though? At what cost? Then I think you got to go back, you got to live your life, and I think, maybe not so high a cost after all. You got it in the end, either way...
"Anyway. I think it's time I'm completely honest with you, why I find it so difficult to make peace with your decision. Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy for you, Stevie, you more than anyone else I know deserve to be happy. To have something good, something to make you smile on a bad day, to make it worth it. You sure as hell didn't have it when we were growing up, or working, you being sick, or any other time when we were together.
"I can only hope that that life's treated you well, since I wasn't there to look after you. But she was there, so it was okay. Better than okay. I only could give you a shitty apartment and double dates, she gave you so much more, she gave you everything you deserve, only the best.
"You know, there was one winter and you were so sick, I couldn't stop praying and bargaining with God to keep you alive. He could have me, if I was worthy, but not you. Not while I was alive. You were real close to dying, so I started talking to you about your life, about how one day you would meet a gal and she would be perfect, that I would watch over the two of you, make sure you're safe. And if you had children I vowed I would take care of them as my own. I would protect your children like I protected you. I vowed that I would show them how to fish, that I would teach them to dance, like I tried to teach you. That whenever they were sick, I would hold them like I held you, and buy them medicine like I did for you.
"I vowed that I would make sure they would always be better off than we were. I couldn't wait to be 'uncle Bucky'. Their dad's 'jerk' and their mom's friend, the family protector.
"I never thought that I would be so lucky and blessed to have you in my life, even if you never returned my feelings. And wasn't that a surprise, to find out I wasn't ill, that the serum couldn't fix that.
"I was never going to marry, not a girl anyway, I could never feel for them as I should, and it wouldn't be fair. I decided to spend my life in the army, perfect reason not to get married, don't you think?
"I know I'll be able to move on from you, given enough time. Haha, see that, time... fucking irony. But I need to heal first. Heal for myself, not for... Anyway, I should get this done, so I can finish packing.
"I'm angry, Steve, because I wasn't there for you and with you. Not once, not ever. I didn't fulfill the vows I made to God when I was begging for you to live. But if He is there, and He chose this path for you, He knew I wouldn't, so it's okay... I guess.
"I wasn't there to see my family grieve for me, live a life without me, but you were. Did you ever speak to them? Did you ever comfort my sisters? Little Becca thought you were her second brother, you know, that we somehow adopted you and forgot to tell the guys at the, whatever they are called, where you changed your surname... good thing you didn’t become a Barnes, the Winter Soldier kinda fucked that surname for years to come. Anyway, did you put flowers on my grave? You once said in Wakanda there is one for me somewhere, even though they never found a body. Flowers for an empty grave. Fitting. Did you tell my mom that I died quickly, instead of falling for an eternity before slamming into the ground? Did you tell them I loved them and would miss them every single day?
"I'm angry because I wasn't there when you told our friends you're getting married. I can only imagine Dum-Dum's face. I couldn't hug you and give you grief about finally settling down. I wasn't there to see your first dance as a married man, see you all dressed up saying 'I do'. I have been with you for so long, I thought I would be there for that too.
"I didn't see the tears of joy - and I'm sure they were there, even if you tried to hide them - when you found out you're going to be a dad. You, who always thought you'd die before you reach twenty, now a dad?
"I didn't see your face when you held that baby, named them, got overprotective when they first fell and scraped a knee, or fought for them when they got into a fight because they're yours, of course they were going to stand up to bullies too. I wasn't there when you celebrated birthdays and Thanksgivings with them and the Howlies. I wasn't there around the campfire telling 'do you remember' stories. I was being tortured, I was being ripped apart while you had a family.
"I keep thinking about how you lived your life and I was being ripped from mine. I keep thinking whether you even once thought of me, knowing what you know. Did you read in the newspaper about a death and know it was me?
"I'm angry because... I'm not angry at you, never at you, I'm angry at myself for feeling like this, feeling like I had any say in your life. Feeling like I had the right, like I was worth it.
"I'm angry because the Stevie I knew and loved somehow got left behind in Brooklyn. I'm angry and sad because I know now that when I saw you in Azzano it was a different Steve. You were still my Steve, but not my Stevie. Then again, you weren't really ever mine. But. I was always yours. Always.
"I promised you that I would be there for you always, and I wasn't. Wasn't worth much in the end. Remember how I told you that I didn't think I was worth all of this? Guess I got finally proven right.
"In allowing myself to die I hoped that I could have one life that would give me the hero's death I got back in the Smithsonian. That there is a reality out there that I got peace.
"I need to go now. I'm sorry I was mean to you, I'm sorry that I was too cowardly to tell you this in person. That it ended like this. Please don't dwell on this, look at that photo of you and your family and smile for the life you deserved. Not this one, that one. With her.
"I will contact you when I'm ready. Say sorry to your family, I know JJ wanted to meet me. I'm not ready, maybe I will be, one day. I'm sorry, Steve.”
The video feed cuts and Steve is left staring at the screen. His sobs have died down, but the tears didn't. The room is silent. He needs to get out. Standing up, he feels woozy, his vision swimming then refocusing. He leaves his room, his feet carrying him down the hallway. Bucky's room. Opening it, he walks in.
The fourth cramp causes his arm to spasm and as he clutches his chest. His breathing is shallow, short gasps of air. Opening his eyes he looks around. So... void, of life, of personal touches... except... the bedside table... a photo. Two Brooklyn boys, in uniform, smiling at the camera, one blonde, one brunette, both so happy.
The fifth cramp drags him to his knees, his chest constricting, his right arm clutching his left, his body falling to the side.
“Bucky....” His voice is soft, tears running down his face. “Please come home.” Struggling, he tries to get up, his hand pulls a pillow from the bed and he inhales. “What have I done?”
The world darkens. He almost welcomes it.
Thousands of miles away the sun comes up over the forest. A bird chirps loudly and Bucky turns around in bed. The curtains are open, kids are playing outside. It's a golden morning in Wakanda. Bucky feels a smile on his face.
A real one.
