Chapter Text
LAUNCH DAY
I sit on the grass and stare at the Soyuz rocket on the pad in the middle distance. I still can’t comprehend that in a few hours I will be inside it and headed away from the Earth forever. My fingers tighten reflexively, grabbing at a handful of grass. I feel Court’s hand rub along my arm soothingly.
”You’re OK, Ry,” he says.
I am anything but ok.
The last 24 hours have been a whirlwind of preparation, and Court has been there for every step, holding me together through more panic attacks and crying fits than I’ve had in the rest of my life put together. My heart started racing as we walked onto the base yesterday, and it hasn’t once slowed down. I’m getting concerned that I might go into cardiac arrest before the mission even starts.
The Taskforce doctors have offered me various sedatives to help, from ones that will just make me lightly woozy to ones that will put me to sleep completely, but I’ve refused them all. I want to remember these final hours on Earth, my final hours with Court.
Stratt came through, of course. Within four hours of our initial meeting and me laying out my demands, we were meeting with the head of the CIA, who was handing over all the paperwork I had asked for and more. Court assured me that it was all above board; he’ll never have to work another day in his life, and Claire’s medical issues will be covered in perpetuity. I asked him what he planned to do first once the mission launched. He told me he was going to take Claire to Disney World to do something obnoxiously normal and to take his mind off things, and because who knows how long it will stay open once the world starts going to hell.
I’ve never been to Florida. I’ll never go to Florida.
The thought makes me start crying again even though I’ve never once harboured any desire to visit the Sunshine State, and Court pulls me into his arms and holds me until this fit passes too. I still can’t face the reality of this, of what I’ve agreed to do. Terror is threatening to tear me apart.
”One step at a time,” Court reminds me, the same thing he’s said through every step so far. My current step is to sit outside and feel the breeze and the sun on my skin and the grass and dirt under me for the last time. Every second feels more precious than the last. I wish I could see the ocean one last time. When I was living on the Vat and surrounded by it every day for months, I didn’t appreciate it as much as I should have done. I didn’t realise how close the day was when I’d never see it again.
I see Court surreptitiously check his watch. For a secret agent, he can be very obvious at times. I’m not wearing my own watch because the urge to constantly check how much time I have left became overwhelming. With my phone still lost somewhere out in the woods, I'm running blind, and I prefer it this way.
”It’s time to get you suited up,” Court tells me gently.
I feel another wave of panic threaten to overwhelm me.
”I’m not ready,” I whimper.
”I know.”
Court gets to his feet and helps me up. He holds onto me as we walk to the Suit Up room. I feel like Bambi, my legs barely strong enough to keep me upright. These are my final moments outside, and I can feel my brain screaming and clawing at me, the urge to run almost overwhelming. I keep stopping, unable to put one foot in front of the other. Who’d have thought it would be this difficult to walk willingly to your own execution?
”You can still change your mind,” Court reminds me, and weirdly, it’s this knowledge that lets me step through the door. Knowing I have the choice to walk away is enough to remind me why I have to keep going.
Inside the Suit Up room, Yao and Ilyukhina are already there in their respective areas being attended to by their personal crew. I have a small crew too who’ll help me get into the flight suit and be ready for launch.
Launch.
The word echoes around my head, and I have to immediately bolt for the side of the room to throw up in a waste bucket. Court is behind me immediately, rubbing my back.
”You’re doing great,” he insists. I want to scream. I let myself scream; everyone in here understands.
Once I’ve emptied my stomach of what little was in there, I let Colt lead me back to my chair where everything is ready and waiting for me, including the special all-in-one undergarment that will monitor my vitals. Looking over, I can see Yao and Ilyukhina are already wearing theirs. Illy spots me looking and gives me a big thumbs up from across the room.
”It look good, no?” She calls over. “Sexy!” She does a little shimmy dance in her chair.
I can’t help but laugh even though I've got tears running down my face.
”Are you ready, Dr Grace?” One of my assistants asks. I see her name tag identifies her as Valentina. I shake my head but start stripping down anyway until I’m in my boxers and socks. These I’m allowed to keep on. The team gets to work fitting the special garment onto me; there are various electrode stickers to be attached, like I’m getting the world’s most thorough ECG, and each one needs to be connected to the correct wires inside my undergarment. It takes some time but eventually we get there. I look down and see myself encased in a skin-tight white all-in-one with wires running all over it. I feel numb. And cold.
“Here you go,” Valentina says, handing me my flight suit. It’s white and surprisingly comfortable looking. I step into it, and Valentina helps zip it up fully.
I turn to face Court, but in doing so, I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the glass of a full-length window. I look like an astronaut, fully kitted out in a gleaming white official NASA flight suit. It’s that image that breaks me.
”I can’t!” I shriek, crumpling to the floor in terror. “I can’t. I can’t do this. I’m not, not an astronaut. I don’t want to die! I can’t do this! I don’t want to die!”
I’m tearing at the flight suit, trying to rip it off me, but the zipper has been secured at the top and it won’t come loose. I feel trapped. I’m suffocating.
I feel arms wrap around me as Court fully envelops me, just like he did back in that parking garage years before. The force of his hug traps my arms against my chest, and I feel him running one hand up and down my back while another tangles in my hair, soothing me just the way he did when we were kids listening to our dad scream at mom in the other room. He doesn’t say anything yet, just holds me as tight as he can without actually crushing me until I have some control over my body again.
”You don’t have to go,” he reminds me quietly. “You say the word and we walk out of here.”
I just sniffle against him. I know what the consequences are if I walk out now. I think of my kids' faces and try to remind myself of why I’m doing this. It almost works.
Court has pulled back slightly to look at me. He runs his fingers over the various patches attached to my suit.
”I’m so proud of you, Ry,” he says, pulling slightly at one of the patches on my chest to look at it more closely. I look at it too, then frown.
“The wings on this are the wrong colour,” I say through my sniffles. “The wings are supposed to be silver until you’ve been to space. You don’t get gold ones until you get back home.”
“Having wings changed from silver to gold is honour,” Valentina says from nearby. I hadn’t realised she was listening. “You already do great honour by going on mission. Cannot change wings when you get back, so we grant honour of gold wings now.”
I look over to Yao and Ilyukhina and see their wings are gold too. We’re never coming home, any of us.
“Are you ready, Ry?” Court asks
”For what?” I hiccup.
”To go to sleep,” he says, and I realise he’s crying. Is it that time already?
I let him lead me over to the chair and watch him help Valentina tilt it slightly back. I can see my personal effects bag on the floor nearby and spot that someone has clipped my favourite fox keychain to the name tag.
Yao walks over to me, and I see he has someone with him, a young woman in a doctor’s coat.
”This is Dr Meir,” Yao introduces her. "She's going to put you to sleep if you still want to do that."
I nod, unable to form words.
”I’m going to pop a cannula into your wrist first, ok Ryland?” The doctor says with a kind smile. She’s nothing like the doctor Stratt sent after me, and I assume that’s intentional. “Nothing else will happen yet; I’ll talk you through every step.”
I look away while she prepares my skin; she warns me about the sharp scratch, and I hiss as I feel the needle go in and the uncomfortable sensation of tape holding it in place. I turn back to look at it and have to take some deep breaths to stop myself passing out. I never was good with needles.
The doctor pulls a vial of clear liquid out of her pocket and shows it to me.
”This is the sedative I will be using,” she tells me. “When you’re ready and have given me your verbal consent, I will use a needle to push it through the canula into your bloodstream. It won’t hurt, but it will probably feel a bit cold. Once I’ve started the process, it should only take around ten seconds for you to fall asleep. This sedative dose will last around eight hours, but I have already instructed both your crewmates on how to administer the continuing doses and the correct timescale to keep you fully unconscious. It’s a very safe and simple process. They will continue to keep you sedated until the coma process on board the ship takes over. I have also provided enough vials to account for a delay of several days between now and the coma process being initiated so there is no risk of the sedative running out early if there is a technical problem that delays the Hail Mary’s departure. Do you understand?”
"Yes", I manage. She smiles at me.
”I’m going to prepare the needle to administer the sedative now, but nothing else will happen until you tell me, ok?”
I nod and she turns away to do her preparations. Yao walks over to me and takes my hand with both of his.
“I know you’re not ready for this, Doctor Grace, and I understand that saying the words out loud will be very difficult for you, but I hope you understand, especially given the events of two days ago, why I am asking. Do you consent to boarding the Hail Mary mission?”
I start crying again, shaking and sobbing, but I stay in my chair.
"Yes", I manage, looking in his eyes as I say it.
Yao nods and squeezes my hand.
”Then let’s save the world together.” He walks away to let Court step up close.
“We’re ready when you are Dr Grace,” I hear the doctor say.
”You good, Ry?” Court asks. I shake my head frantically.
”No. I don’t…”
“I know. I know you don’t. But remember I’ll be here rooting for you; we all will. I’ll think of you every single day. They gave me a document with all the timelines on it so I’ll know exactly what’s happening. When you wake up, it’s gonna feel like this was just minutes ago. It’ll have been a very long time for me, but I promise you, on that day I’ll be outside looking up at Tau Ceti in the sky, and I’ll wave. Promise you’ll wave back, yeah?”
”Yeah, I promise.”
Court reaches down and draws me into a hug. I claw at him, needing him to help ground me through this terror. I don’t want him to let go, and then it occurs to me that he doesn't have to.
“Can you inject the sedative like this?” I ask the doctor through tears, "With my brother holding me?”
She smiles again. “Of course. Are you ready?”
”Yes.”
Court pulls back for a second.
”Just needed to see your face again,” he says. He leans down and kisses me on the forehead. “Sleep well, Ry.”
He draws me back into his arms tighter than ever. I feel a slight tug on my hand and a sensation of cold. Then nothing.
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Eye movement detected. What is two plus two?